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In today's world, the term "narcissistic" has come to mean little more than vain. But
narcissism is far more complex than that. It exists in many shades along a continuum from
extra-healthy ego to pathological grandiosity. A large 2009 study estimated that 6% of people
in the U.S. suffer from full-blown narcissistic personality disorder. But it's likely that many
more fall short of the strict diagnostic criteria.
So how can you tell if you lie somewhere on the spectrum? Read on to learn about 10
common narcissistic traits—and see how many feel familiar. If you find that you share more
than a few, you may want to seek help from a therapist. At its core, narcissism is a disguise for
a deep-seated sense of shame that you may not even realize is there.
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"Narcissists dominate conversations," says psychotherapist Joseph Burgo, PhD, the author of
The Narcissist You Know ($25; amazon.com). "They feel compelled to talk about themselves,
and they exaggerate their accomplishments." You might find yourself embellishing your
stories, spinning them to impress your audience. You paint yourself as the boss's most
trusted advisor, the most flexibly yogi in your class, the most popular neighbor on the block.
These fabrications are easy to excuse as little white lies that help you tell a better tale. But
really they serve a riskier purpose: to shore up an idealized version of yourself that distracts
you from the intolerable fear that you are actually not good enough.
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And you get frustrated if someone doesn't respond to your voicemail right away. On some
level, you feel you deserve special treatment, whether you're among friends or at the DMV.
"Whatever a narcissist's needs are, they need to be met now," says marriage and family
therapist Karyl McBride, PhD, who has written two books about dealing with narcissists, Will I
Ever Be Good Enough? ($16; amazon.com) and Will I Ever Be Free of You? ($25; amazon.com).
"They want automatic compliance because they are that important." Whether you are
conscious of it or not, you live your life with a sense of entitlement, and for better or worse,
expect the world to revolve around you.
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Your ambition knows no bounds
It's one thing to shoot for the stars, and then work your butt off to get there. It's quite another
to believe you are destined for greatness. That type of grandiose assumption is a classic
symptom of narcissists. They tend to believe they are naturally special, and part of an elite
class that deserves only the best. "They fantasize about how much more powerful they will
be, how much more beautiful, how much richer," explains McBride.
They also prefer to associate with other "high-status" people, and may obsess over status
symbols (from the right shoes to the right stroller)—and even belittle anyone who they don't
perceive to be part of the same exclusive club.
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You've got a knack for making other people feel important. Your relationships probably move
quickly, like the intoxicating, whirlwind romances of storybooks. But all the admiration you
shower on that person is part of an unspoken deal: You expect him to make you feel just as
attractive and intelligent. The minute he questions or criticizes you, the gig is up, and he is
sent swiftly "from the pedestal to the trash heap," as Burgo puts it.
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In a narcissist's worldview, there are winners and losers, says Burgo, and the narcissist needs
to win in virtually every domain—on the tennis court, at the office, heck, even in the
community garden. "They have to make themselves out to be superior to somebody else," he
explains, in a relentless quest to prove their dominance. The opponent could be a stranger or
someone you love. That compulsive drive to come out on top (no matter who ends up on
bottom) makes it difficult to celebrate other people's successes, like, say, your college pal's
beautiful new house—because in that moment, someone else is the "winner."
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To everyone else you probably seem highly confident—the kind of person who doesn't give a
crap what other people think. But for narcissists, that couldn't be farther from the truth. They
care deeply about maintaining their idealized image of themselves, and have trouble
tolerating any sort of disapproval or insult, explains Burgo. No matter how small a criticism,
"it feels like a huge assault, a personal attack," and one they're unlikely to forget. "If they feel
slighted, or abandoned, they don't get over it," adds McBride. Rather than deal with their hurt
feelings, they get angry and seek revenge, in one form or another.
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Think about how people feel when they are high: untouchable, bulletproof, on top of the
world. In essence, it's that same sense of grandiosity that narcissists crave. "When I finally
made this connection, it made so much sense within my practice," says Burgo. Your high
might come from alcohol, plastic surgery, shopping—it doesn't matter. "The addicted
narcissist keeps turning to the drug again and again to get that incredible on-top-of-the-
world feeling. When the drug wears off, they are often filled with shame. And when the shame
becomes unbearable, they turn to the drug again."