52 IO-MINUTE PLAYS: VOLUME 6

talking about a party and thought ['d check it out.

ANNE. So you know no one here'
HOOVER* No one.
ANNE. @eat.) So you're basically trespassing?
HOOVER. I wouldn't call it that.
ANNE. What would You call it?
HOOVER. I don't know, hanging out.
ANNE. No, it's not even hanging out. It's hovering. You're un'
dermining the whole purpose of the parly. You're the anti-party'
You're like a one-man wrecking crew. I mean parties are supposed to
be social events, right? Wetl what do you do exactlf You sit here by
yoursetf, completely isolated, (She picks up hß cooler') protecting
your cooler ofbeer-
HOOVER. (Interrupß') I offered you a beer'
ANNE. make up stories in your head about these people
Jerry Springer Is God
-You
you don't know, and you eavesdrop on people's conversations ' (Beat'
She resß her case.) Am f rigbt?
HOOVER. I don't know. BasicallY.

(She opens a beer and siß back on the couch consi'dering this, trying
MATT PELFREY
it-for herse$ She nods her head and looks at him, then back øt
the partY.)

ANNE. I could see thal

(She tal<es a swig. He smiles.

Blacløut.)

END OF THE PLAY

 Jerry SPringer Is God
by
MattPelfreY
premiered inJannry, 2001 at
Actors Theatre of Loußville
Jery Springer Is God
Direeted åy Sullivan Canaday White
Dramaturg: TanYa Palmer
(Afunlry livingroom.
Cast
Fíve unmatched chairs are in the center of the room. Sitting in these
Viv Star Xavier Little chàirs are yly, LAURA, D,LNA, RC and JIM. TEX stønds of to
Laura Emera Felice Krauss the side watching them.)
Dana LiaAPrile
RC Peter Stone VIV. She's been sleeping with my man!
Jim AIex Finch LAURA. I have not!
Tex Nehal Joshi VfV. Oh yes you have!
LAURA. I don't kr¡ow what this bitch is trippin' about!
Scenic Designer: Brenda Ellis YIV. Bullshit! I see how you check bim out! You call my place
Hall
Costume Designer : Karen when you þ,now damn welll'm at work!
Light@ Designer: Andrew Vance LAURA. Oh, stop your lying! And don't evenpretendthat's your
Sound Designer: Køte DuceY real hair!
PraPerties Designer: Dan TracY VTV. Excuseme?
Stage Managen Erin Tatge LAURA. Did I stutter? You're bald, ass-ugly and there is no way
,4.ssixtant Stage Manager: Sarah Hodges in hell I would go snifning around some piece of tailer park tube-
Fight Director: Brent Langdon steak like him!
-
(VIY gets up ønd rushes st LAURA. LAURA meets her half way and
they start to struggle with each other. Their Jìght is rather pa-
CHARACTERS thetic. Afier a minute of this they bolh start to laugh and turn to
TEX: male, late teens, earlY 20's TEX,)
RC: male, late teens. earlY 20's
JfM: male, late teens, earlY 20's VIV. This is so stupid.
teens, earlY 20's
VIV: female, late LAURA. It really is.
LAURA: female, late teens, earlY 20's TEX. No, come on! You're doing great!
DANA: female, late teens, earlY 20's RC. Nice try, but this is not gonna work.
TEX. You guys, don't do this to me....
TIMpAI{D PLACE JIM. We've humored you long enough. Slap that video in. Move
these chairs back.
Near the end of the 20th Century. An aparnnent'
55
56 I0-MINUTE PLAYS: VOLUME 6
TEX. Come onl Hold uP'...
JIM. Who wants more grog?
VIV. Right here. Grab me an Anchor Steam.
LAtlRA. (Raising her han^d.) Rolling Rock.
RC. See, Tex, we can't go on that show for one basic reason; we
aren't freaks. we aren't mutånts. we are nonnal. we're real. we have
all our teeth. we aren't humping our brother¡ and sisters and living in
trailers.
LAURA. He's right, Tex. Everyone they parade on that show is a
cockroach.
Vry. ... Trailer park monstosities.
DANA. One guy w¿ts so inbred, I could swear I sawgil/s on hin:'
JIM. Iggy the PorPoise BoY.
TEX. So you do admit watching?
JIM, Of cãurse. Human cockfighting is quatity television'
RC. I think they should expand the premise of the show "' make
it life or death . . . tike gladiator combat, search through all these small
towns for human odditþs and make them fight e¿ch other. Like they
do with pit bulls. Not only would it clean out the gene pool but it
gives us another spect¿tor sport.
DANA. What a little Nazi You are.
JIM. That would be humongous entertainment' I wouldpcy to see
that.
DANA. Coming from a guy who's paid to see rm armless strip'
per, tbat is not saYing much.
JIM. first otr, thæ *"s in Mexico. Second I've always supported
the rights ofthe handicappe4 and third, she was a skilled dancer. It
*^ å intensely erotic ãxperience that I shall cherish into ripe old
age. I swear, how many times are you going ùo bring that up?
RC. Why woutd we want to go on national television and humili-
ate ourselvei white a studio fult of sociopaths chant "Jerry! Jerry!
Jerry!"
TEX. It's about the quest for interesting, human experiences' If s
about taking offall your óloth". and doing a big cannon ball dive
into
the cultural zeitgeist.
VTV. Morslike diving into the cultural sewage of late 20th Cen-
tüy television.
TEX. We cannot pass this up. I've got it aLt set' I've got one of
the producers hooked and I'm ready to reel the bastard in. He just
**L to meet with the rest of yot¡ conduct a pre-show interview "'
JERRY SPRINGERIS GOD 57
we are in there.
VIV. You mean this guy is already interested in us?
TEX. After the shit I slung at him, bet your ass he is.
LAURA. I'm conñlsed ... what in the hell would we go on the
show and say?
TEX. That's what I was hoping we could hash-out tonight. That's
what our little improv was about...
JIM. So your concept is we lie? That's your plan?
TEX. I prefer to think of it as role-playing, but bæically, yeah.
We'll lie our asses off.
LAURA. Tbis is so inane.
JIM. Really Tex, uo oflense, I want you to feel like you can come
to us with anything. I think as ftiends it's important to be a sanctuary
where you can be comfortable sharing any idea, thought or feeling ...
but this is one of the most utterly stupid ideas I have ever wasted my
time listening to, and if you ever try to foist anotler idea this pathetic
on us again, I'll stand on a chair and pee on you.
TEX. You guys have no vision. Like it or not, "Springer" is a
tademark of our times. And think about it ... wouldn't it be cool to
be able to say we rvere a part of it? The boomers had their marches
and protests....
VIV. Did you know úree out of five claim they wsre at 'Wood-
stock-
DANA. A mathematical impossibility.
TEX. Right, but listen ... "Springef is not long for this world.
Powerfi¡l forces a¡e already sunounding him ... pressuring him to
clean up his act, to sanitiee his wacky hijinks. But mark my words:
the "Springet'' show is going to go down in TV history as a legend.
Twenty years from now, some Oliver Stone warurabe is going to make
a three hour biopic of this cat's life ... and we'll be able to say we
were on the show. It's gonna be a classic. Think of it like being on
o'American
Bandstand," except with bitch-slapping, hair-pulling and
an occasional thrown shoe.
RC. I have to disagree with Jimbo. I think Tex is making a pro-
vocative, eompelling case.
LAURA. The hell he is. They're already touchy about those fäke
fight accusations. tüe can't pull this off even if we all agreed to your
little scheme.
TEX. You don't think you're smart enough to fool the producen
of "The Jerry Springef' show? Is that what you're saying? (Beat.) We
 59
JERRY SPRTNGERIS GOD
58 10-MINUTE PLAYS: VOLUME 6
DANA. Let's not and say we did' Throw in the video'
could toøtty putl this om It'll be epic! JIM. I want to know what he fucking means'
JIM. So what woutd our Yarn be? flC. gt" loohc at JIM for ø beat or two b3fore speaking) Who's
"' ttl
rEi. w.tt, this is just ihæ I'ut kinda throwngotogether say gonna believe you could get somewhere with Dana? I mean'
I'm
will o" Ag sfe
free to mix and match' but oka¡ here it is: Viv up'
*
*uno confront her boyftienå with a dark secret' okay? I'll come.in - 'óeNe.
sorry, but the issue had to be brought
"having will come in, Ray, why do you always have to do shit like this?
RC. Like what? ffwe're gonna go on this show we have to-
anJsne,[ tel me she's an affair with Jim. Jim
iii;úe. Jim and we'l[ chorágraph a linle fight. ThenJimwill say
with DANA. (Frustrated, anCry') We're not going on the goddamn
;;;s ;;; ..cr.t or his own. ¡i¿ tre'u say he's been sleepingat her show! Let's just drop this aná iran" a nice little time watching
this
Oäa-*fto *itt ,uy she was supposed to be Viv's maid of honor movie!
;pcJ.ú we.dding. Then RC, you come in and rush Jim' saying '
TEX. Ray, what are you trying to do here, mân--
We
you're Dana's boYfriend. RC. You can't go ón tfre tube with science fiction' okay?
JIM. That's a craPPY sc€narlo'
... it's not writren in have to be able to suspord disbelief or-
TEX. Well, with something else
"o."'úp JIM. You don't think I could .'.'
stone. LAURA. Time out!Time fuckingout!
DANA. I'm ûot doing it' JIM. Wait-
go-
JIM. Me neither.
What is it we LAURA. No! We are forgetting this crap right now! I'm.not
LAURA. Good. That's settled' Let's watch a video' iog to hav" you gtlys in here t;kintabout who could score with who'
--
rented? mle we're just .'.-appliances or sómething, not even in
the room!!
VfV. "Bring me the Head of Alfredo Garcia'" Peckenpah'
Fuck that!
---Itr'4.(Ignoringl'/|URl)Holdon!Idon,thaveashotwithDana?
TEX. You guys suck. I can't believe you won't rise to the occa'
sion. Is that Your statement?
RC. I dunno ... it almost sounds fun, except
I think you'd need to
flÔ. $rtockingly pretends to think it over') Um '' ' yep'
work on the scenario a little more' JIM. And whY is that?
TEX. Let's hear Your critique' TEX.W.'r.geuingofftrackhere'Noneofthisisserious'okay?
RC. Well, you've kinda got a credibilþ problem"" predator "' any ìryoman
Jim... Jimbo '.. you're a studley, sexual
TEX. Where? in a heartbeat' Okay? Are egos
would gratefirlly accept your manhood
RC. The Jim-Dana thing'
healed now? Can we move on?
TEX. Yeah, so? JIM. Tex?
RC. It's just not .. ' øedible' TEX. Yo?
JIM. Shut up and sit down' (To RC') Why couldn't I
TEX. WhYnot? get any-
RC. C'món ... I mean ... "come on"' (Inolu around') Someone
where with someone like Dana?
DANA. Ladies, ar€ we gonna let shit go on? Viv? You've
help me out here. been
JIM. No. \Mhat exactlY do You mean?
try@ to be as diplomat\ ean') I quiet over there ....
RC. (Iåin,ts o
^o*uit, ^ !" VrV. I'd kinda like to know RCos answer'
¡*tmiotirtu"planistogoooo"tionuttelevisionandperformwhat
itselfto the sus- DANA. This is so stuPid'
îs basically a hoax" we shõutd have a ptot that lends RC. You rilanna know?
pension of disbelief a tad nØre' TEX. No, she doesn't, let's-
an affair?
JlM. What's not believable about me and Dana having nC. fn.i. are leagues in everything' Take baseball'
You've got
RC. [sn't it obvious?
p"..*..t*gu,.Little-league.Highschool.Theprofessionalminors
JIM. No, it's not. Educate me'
 IO-MINUTE PLAYS: VOLUMB 6 JERRY SPRINGERIS GOD 61
60

RC. Come here....

and of course, major league baseball. You follow so far?
DANA. Fuck off.
TEX. Just g"i to th" point so we can move past this, please""
RC. rù/hat the hell is this? Get over here!
DANA. I'm outta here!
JIM. Easy....
RC, Fuck you. (Shoves JIM.) Say what you have to say! you got
(DANA exits down a hallwaY')
advice for me ¡lnk? (Shoves him again.) Say itl
IlM. (Shoves RC awøy.) Forget it....
TEX. You guys are reatly fucking up my plans' I could get some
RC. (Moves closè to JIM.) Say itt (Shoves JIM.) Spill your guts!
tasty exposure being on that show and-
(Shoves JIM.) Tell me! What is behind that shit eating grin yõu,re
Ifll. Qo ÀC./ [ said, go on. always wearing?
RC. Think oi Oan then took in the mirror' She's the majors, so
" DANA. Stop ir, Ray!
to spealq and yot¡ this pairs me to say, are stilt running around in the
pee-wee league,
(RC tries to shove JIM again. JIM grabs RC's arms, loolcs him in the
JIM. ۈ the others.) Can you guys believe this?
LAURÄ. Ray, you are being so goddamn stupid its not even
eyes.)

funny.
JIM. You want me to spill my guts? That what you want Mr. Ma-
RC. I'm just giving it to you straight.
jor League?
TEX. I tt"t to Urãaf tne news to yoq RC, but ['ve seen Alec
you sir, RC. Yeah, ülat's what I want....
Baldwin on the movie screen, I've seen him on televisiorl and
JIM. Then take one guess who's been groovin' on my stick....
are no Alec Batdwin.
TEX. Aw, crap....
RC. \ryhat the fuck sre you talking about?
RC. øo DANA.) You sleptwithhim?
JIM. I guess you don't talk to Dana much'
JIM. Fucking is really a more appropriate word there, Ray. Looks
RC. What's that suPPosed to mean?
like I just took a step up to the majors-
JIM. I mean, thereii not a lot of sharing between the two of you'
Maybe you should spend some time talking' You might learn some-
(RC dives on JIM. They go sprawling înto the couch,
thing. fighting each
"RC.fit"what?Whatshouldlbeleamingaboutmygirtfriend? other.)
Educate me.
TEX. Aldght, fuck this. Fuck Jerry Springer' You guys are- LAURA. (Loaking over at DANA, her voice quivering with rage.)
The two of you...?
VIV. What's uP with Dana?
DANA,. I can explain-
JIM. Viv' shutuP.
LAURA. YOU FUCKING BITCH!!
TEX. HeY, heY, heY-
VIV. I'm on Your side here-
AURA takes olf her shoe and throws it at DAN,4, missing. LAURA
JIM. I don't need helP with-
charges DANA, they start /ìghting. TEX and WV try to pull the
RC. Wait, wait, wait." what is this?
TEX. ['m getting some brews. díferent combatants apatr but sre themselves pulled into lhe
ìnsane tangle ofpunches, bites, kicking, and hair pullíng.
(DAN'4 enters wearing heriaclcet. She headsfor thefront daar')
As the chqos continues, the sound of "The Jerry Springer Show"
rises. A TI/ audience chants "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!" oyer and wer
going*? as lights føde.)
RC. Whoa, where are You
DANA. Home. END OFTHEPLAY