MY

“SPEC-
TACULAR”
GIRL.
“Good afternoon passengers, this is an announcement for all those travelling by flight AI0034 to Mumbai,
due to rough weather, the flight has to be delayed, the rescheduled boarding time will be informed soon,
and we apologize for the inconvenience.” This was the third time since morning that my flight had been
delayed, just as I was leaving Goa, my second love, for good. Never thought I would be actually leaving
forever, having sold everything I had. This place had seen it all, from the time I came as a baby until now,
as I stand at the brink of my midlife. This place isn’t the same as it was in the 38-odd years I’ve seen. The
airport has shifted, places renovated and so have the people. There was a time when I thought that people
still had a heart in here, unlike the brats from the North, where my roots were, unfortunately. But that’s
not the case anymore; it has all boiled down to how much you earn, how hot a chick do you have, and all such
material things. But it’s not that all this did not exist back in the day; it was only that I was never into it.
It was not that I was any lesser capable to achieve it, but I found all this temporary, small things made me
happy instead. Like how I sold my estate, all at once, just like that; nothing stays forever. All this I
thought as I lazily sat, waiting endlessly for my flight. I just wanted to be done with this. “Your attention
please!” and here they go again, one more delay; I grinned as I waited for the announcement to complete.
“Our passenger Miss Janice Gonsalves, please report to the lobby, your mother is waiting for you,”
continued the voice. I returned to my couch, from which I had briefly gotten up for a stretch. Another
reason for my restlessness was that I were to deliver my 1 st lecture the following day, wherein I was
expected to address a good number of people. I had to keep my nerves. Hence, I took out my diary and
started jotting down notes. Just then, a girl came and sat next to me. I didn’t quite like that, random
people being around; what was the point of paying extra to the attendant if I could get privacy? “Could you
please sit elsewhere, I am doing some serious work”, I requested the girl. “Could you please make me sit
next to you for some time?” replied the girl, requesting even more politely than me. “There are so many
empty seats around, why don’t you sit there?” this time my tone was rude. “Well, if somebody catches me
sitting all alone, they will take me to my Mumma, so if I sit by your side, they’re gonna think that I’m with
my Dada”, she innocently replied. “Oh, I see, so all these announcements are for you.” “Yes sir”, she replied
with a wink. All this while I was immersed in my work, hence I didn’t bother to pay attention to her; but
after I got to know that she was being searched for, I had a look at her. She looked to be in her early
teens, dressed as modern as any other girl of her age today, there was one thing about her which was
unique; her spectacles. Given the fact that most girls today don’t wear them anymore, spectacles have
become quite a thing of the past; everyone wears contacts these days. But it wasn’t just the specs that
made the difference. The frame, the design on the frame was a unique one. “Ok, you can sit for some time,
provided people don’t mistake me for a kidnapper; but after some time, you have to go back to your mom.” I
got lenient on her, probably because I didn’t have children, I don’t know how to behave strictly. “Thanks a
lot sir, and don’t worry about my Mumma, the flight isn’t gonna leave anytime soon, let her search for me
till then”, she said, her tone full of naughtiness. She took out a pair of headphones and turned on some
EDM music. It was so loud that I could feel the bass, even though I was at quite a distance from her. I
could never develop a taste for such violent music; was pretty much happy with classic Hindi tunes. I could
see her gently nodding her head to match up with the beats. She had strikingly unique features, her face,
hair, chin; something suddenly got me hooked. There was something very familiar about her looks. “Hey!”
she interrupted my thoughts; I didn’t realize when she had kept her headphones aside and was trying to
have a conversation. “My name’s Janice, naam toh suna hoga?” she introduced herself, pointing at the
speaker where the announcements were coming from. This time she laughed, probably at her own joke, but
I didn’t. Because I noticed something else, her dimples. They were not the regular dimples on cheeks, but
the ones below her lips; very few people have them. And now her dimples brought me to her chin. That
cleft!! This left me startled. How was it possible? So many similarities? All this while I was quietly
observing her, but this was enough. I quickly excused myself from her and ran to the washroom. “Chappp!”
for the eighth time I splashed water on my face. I never felt so helpless before. My eyes were flickering,
forehead sweating; I couldn’t help all of this. For the longest time I had held myself together, how I could
let this girl screw it all up for me, I couldn’t. “But she looks exactly like her”, I said to myself. So does it
mean that I would have to revisit the last chapter, the one which I promised myself never to? Before my
inner mind could even answer, I locked myself in a cubicle and sat, diving down the gulf of memory….
 Five minutes; that’s how long it took me. After seventeen years also, it was all so fresh in my mind; as if
it just happened. That girl: her charm-my love, her denial-my heartbreak, her exit-my wait. That summed
up the entire saga, which would take me ages to write about in detail. But everything was intact, moment-
by-moment, in my mind. I spent half of my life looking for true love, and when I finally found it, the rest
half of my life I spent in her memories. In my dictionary, words like “Moving On” and “Getting Over” were
non-existent. It’s not that I didn’t feel for a girl ever before her, but Elyssia was something else. Ah! Each
time I think of her, time stops. The biggest irony is that when she was in front of me, I did not want that
moment to ever get over and now when she is not in front of me, I want this time to get over as soon as
possible. To just be done with this. No, I’m not depressed, I haven’t been drinking all these years neither
have I been idle. I tried my best to put my mind and body to the best use possible. Worked hard in the
corporate world, earned praise, pay and property; there was ample of that; something which every person
would dream of. But I never wanted all that, “Who was I to spend all that money on? What would I do alone
living in that plush house? Why even that MNC job?” these questions always troubled me. I could never fall
in love with anyone else after her; spent all of my time alone, denounced my family and kept working, just
to keep myself occupied. People around me knew that all this because of a girl, and they would come up to
me and swear on her name to have gotten me into this state. That would be the last time I would see them.
Nobody really knows what exactly happened; all they know is that a heartless woman ruined my life. But for
me, she is everything, till date. She knew how much I loved her, but for some reason, never felt the same
for me. At first I was disheartened, but then I was very sure that she is “the one” who was worth waiting
for, for life. Fearing the same, one day she disappeared from my life, without even seeing me one last time.
I did not try to contact her, as it was her choice to go. But I did not stop loving her; in fact, I decided
that if I was destined to live alone, so be it. And I dedicated my life to my love, named all my properties
after her, got baptized and assumed that she was still with me. I was proud of my love, I gave everything
to it and so, there were no regrets.

What I did not realize all this while was that my love and obsession had slowly made me ill over the years.
Until one day, 4 years ago I had a nervous breakdown. “You are suffering from Paranoid Schizophrenia”,
concluded the psychologist after a few sessions. It was a rare condition, wherein I had lost touch with
reality. I could not do away the thought of loving her. “You’ve got to be very careful, it’s going to be very
difficult for you to deal with it”, he warned. I never realized until I actually had to deal with it. Several
sleepless nights, severe headache, followed by hallucinations. It became very difficult for me to face
people, as they observed it all. I quit my job, sold all what I had and locked myself up in an old 8*10 room. I
avoided facing people as much as possible, as each time I did, I could hear them saying, “Poor fellow, went
mad for a girl.” But my love for her didn’t reduce even then. Not a single moment passed without her
thought. For me, she was always with me. But soon, my mental illness triggered physical illness as well. I
barely ate, slept or spoke to anyone; all that showed on my health. I was glad all that was happening to me,
as I was getting close to the end. Very soon, I would be free from all this pain, and finally, it would bring
down curtains on this final chapter of my life.

I was living, waiting for the end; then one day a good old soul came in. A psychiatrist retired from practice,
he was my neighbour and would watch on me every day. He said that all was not lost for me and that he
would help me to recover and live the rest of my life in a better way. Although I was not keen to get cured,
but he persuaded me. Over the next few months, he was completely into it. He counselled me, made me eat,
sleep normally, taught me to talk to people, how to calm myself down when I was hallucinating. Soon, he
became a father figure to me and to my disbelief, did the impossible. Within a year, he made me capable
enough to walk around and interact normally with people. He gave me a new lease of life and I could never
thank him enough. “Don’t let your love weaken you son, make it your strength. You feel she’s always with
you, isn’t it? Then you should take care of yourself for her sake.” He would very patiently explain to me. It
was him, who suggested me to write about be experiences and feelings; I did so and he helped me publish
all of that. To my surprise, my work struck a chord with the readers and I got an overwhelming response.
This encouraged me to keep writing and I kept getting appreciated for my work. I could feel a sense of
confidence and tried my hand at public speaking, which I was highly sceptical about.
People connected with my thoughts and soon I was motivational lectures. I would speak about mental
health, how to deal with it, ambitions, relationships, love, and most importantly, unrequited love. All this
while I believed that my love, my Elyssia was by my side, motivating me. Neither did my love for her
reduce, nor did my illness; it was always there, only thing I had been able to deal with it and present myself
normally in public. One day, the old man found me a job in Mumbai, with which I could earn my livelihood. I
am not naming him as he was not from this world; he had descended straight from heaven. Such people do
not have names. Most importantly, he always prayed that I get my love, my Elyssia for real one day. I was
hence, leaving Goa, my second love (you know the first by now), to start a new life.

But what had it all got to do with that girl in the waiting room? What was it with her specs?

All these years, I had Elyssias image transfixed in my mind, so much so that I was shocked by the extent
of resemblance of this girl with her. Same features, same facial expressions, and most uniquely, the same
spectacles. It all had gotten me affected. I was sure that there was a connection between the two. I had
to find out. I got myself back to senses, walked outside the washroom and got back to the girl. “It’s been
long Janice, I think you should get back to your Mumma, she must be worried”, I said. “Nonsense! She
wouldn’t have shouted at me in front of everyone had she cared for me”, she said angrily. “Don’t say like
that, she loves you”, I tried to calm her down. “How do you know she loves me? What do you know about
me? Do you have any idea of how painful it is to grow up without your father! And to live with the fact that
he never existed?” tears rolled down her eyes; she took off her specs, wiped it and put it back on. I put my
hand over her head to comfort her; I still had not learnt to figure out how to express my affection to
people. “Yes my Mumma raised me alone, takes good care of me and loves me a lot, but each time I ask her
about my dad, she keeps quiet. I miss having a father”, she still had a lump in her throat while she said this.
“What happened to your father?” I asked curiously. “I came to know of all this today. Like every year we
had come to goa for vacations and I was as usual feeling incomplete without a father figure, so for the
millionth time, I asked her that Mumma, where is my dad? To which she finally answered.” She said. “And
her answer was?” I asked, couldn’t hold my curiosity anymore. “That no dad exists, she was all I always
had.” She revealed. “Thank you Miss Elyssia Gonsalves, thank you for getting me into this world!! I cannot
be any more grateful to you, but now, I cannot take this anymore; I dearly miss a person called father in
my life, even if I’m not naturally blessed with one, please Mumma, please.” She couldn’t stop weeping. I was
too stunned to react; that name, I knew it!! She is her Mumma!! It was not sinking in!! So was she adopted
if her dad never existed? How could that be? She’s a complete replica? How’s that possible? All these
questions were cropping up. I could see my pulse building, mind numbing, I was not able to take in all this
excitement. Yet, I was trying my best to look normal. “So were you adopted then?” I asked. Her revelations
startled me completely. Janice really did not have a dad. But she was not adopted either. “Mumma said that
she could never fall in love with any man ever; but she did feel very lonely. Hence she decided to have me,
through surrogacy!!”

What!!?? Was this for real? The girl I loved forever, the girl who vanished in thin air, in the memories of
whom I dedicated my entire life, been through hell and back; she also spent all her life alone!!! Lord, have
some mercy on me, for once! What more was left for me to see now? This was it, now I had to meet her,
tell her everything what happened with me all these years and that after all this struggle at least I
deserved my love. She has to come to me now. “Look girl, what happened with you is unfortunate, but this is
the truth and you’ll have to live with it; come lets go to your Mumma now”, I’d lost all my sympathy in my
excitement to meet her. “I said I won’t go, she lied to me all the time, I feel so cheated”, she said,
sobbing. “Janice, you have no choice, I’m taking you right now!” I was harsh this time, couldn’t hold it any
longer. “Who the hell are you to take me??I’ll do what pleases me” she yelled. “Yeah right, who am I; come
along with me, I’ll tell you everything”, I said as I held her hand tightly and walked towards the lobby,
amidst the announcements of her name. On our way, narrated to her everything in the shortest way I could
and she could do nothing but stare at me blankly. Perhaps it was too much for to digest for the little girl. I
was least bothered, as I were to confront “The One”, who was the sole culprit of all this, my life, and the
life of this poor girl.
It was getting more and more difficult to keep my adrenaline levels in check. I could feel my eyes
flickering. “Breathe Tanmay, breathe”, I was trying to calm myself down as I did not want to get fits in
front of her. Those few minutes seemed like ages to me, I could not understand what would it like meeting
her? How will I start the conversation? And then we arrived. The stage was set, the mother was waiting
and I had her daughter. No, I was not going to ask her for ransom, but beg of her to accept me now at last.
I wanted her, and her daughter wanted a father; together we three mad creatures can live the rest of
their life in peace. All the wait, all the pain, and all the struggle will be completely worth it if she said yes.
From a distance I saw her. If I go to describe her appearance, which would’ve been the most predictable
thing to do, the description will run into several pages. All I can say is that I couldn’t really notice her,
such was the state of my mind. She was actually in front of me, it was not sinking in only. I was wondering
if this was for real or it was all my illusion. So blurred was my vision that all I could see was her specs, the
same brown, leopard print frame. Tears were rolling down her eyes. Since I was not able to see her clearly,
I imagined her face, which was in my mind and then looked at her from that filter.

“Jenny!! Where were you? Jesus! We looked everywhere for you. I’m so sorry baby, I’ll never get mad on
you, I promise.” She hugged the girl as tight as she could. “I’m sorry Mamma, I love you. I don’t want
anyone else now.” Said Jenny, wiping her mom’s tears. I stood there blankly, not quite in my senses, still
trying to gulp down what was going on in front of my eyes. What a turnaround it all had been. I had lost all
the words I was supposed to recite now. “Mumma, I wanna show you something, do you know him?” said the
girl pointing at me. Elyssia was staring at me, trying to figure out who I was. Clearly, she had not
recognized me; obviously how could she? I looked not even close to how I used to look before.

Suddenly something got into me. I felt I couldn’t face her; I didn’t want her to come to know who I was. If
she turned me down this time as well, I will never recover. But hiding was useless now; I had told
everything to her daughter in my excitement. Soon, I were to be exposed, and left to die, yet again. I
turned behind and started walking, as fast as I could, my eyes continuously flickering. I could sense my fits
reappearing. I had to get back to my doctor, do hell with the flight. As I walked, I could hear two female
voices, following me, calling out to me by my name. That meant that Janice has told her mom about me. Now
I wanted to get out of there even faster. I started running, amongst shocked passengers. Panting, I
reached for the escalators. As I looked down, I could see the entire lobby, full of only girls; hundreds of
girls, wearing spectacles. My head was losing balance, my feet trembling. My hallucinations had returned.
As I looked up, I could see two pairs of spectacles running down the escalator calling out my name. I
couldn’t take in anymore. I tripped off, and rolled down the electronic stairs like a carpet roll and passed
out.

After some time, I don’t know how much, I forced my eyelids wide open, just to see a pair of spectacles
looking at me, tears in her eyes. “Tanmay, what have you done to yourself? What has happened to you?”
These words were echoing in my ears. I was not in a state to even reply to her. I looked around to see
Doctor Uncle rushing towards me. I looked once more at that spectacular girl and let out a smile, before
closing my eyes….