Salt Lake Community College

Children and Grief

David Austin Timpson

Funeral Service Psychology and Counseling MORT 2330

Jeff Zealley

December 2, 2019
Abstract

The following paper is intended for furthering the public understanding of the issues

facing children who are grieving. This includes methods of recognizing how a child is grieving,

descriptions of issues that a child may be facing while grieving, and an analysis of children

facing grief and the unique challenges that arise in that situation.

Introduction

The study of children and grief is a relatively new field, with psychologists before this

last century widely believing that children do not have the ability to feel grief, let alone express

it. However, that theory has been proven false and in recent years a large body of academic

material has accumulated studying how children experience grief. The purpose of this paper is do

introduce to general society the basics of childhood grief by examining three dynamics related to

the subject. First, this paper will explain how to recognize normal and complicated reactions that

a child may have to grief. Secondly, this paper will go into further depth describing the

psychological phenomena behind those reactions. Lastly, this paper will delve into analyzing

childhood grief so as to be an aid to the general public when deciding which actions toward a

grieving child will be the most helpful. As a side note, the definition of childhood in relation to

this paper will include all developmental phases, from birth until late adolescence.

Main Body

When recognizing childhood grief, the first important thing to observe is the relationship

of the child to the deceased. In an important way this aspect will determine to a large extent the

amount of grief that the child will experience. For example, a child may display small amounts

of empathetic grief when hearing about a strange who has died, especially if the incident is told

with enough emotion to capture the child’s emotions. However, a much more severe grief
reaction can be expected if someone close to the child dies. Naturally, the social dynamics of the

child’s life will determine what “close” consists of, however in traditional Western society the

largest grief reaction can be expected from the death of a parent. The death of a sibling, a

grandparent, a friend, or even a pet can also cause a child of any age a substantial amount of

grief.

Besides the nature of the relationship, another aspect that can play a role in determining

the likeliness of grief is the nature of the death. A violent and unexpected death is much more

likely to produce an intense grief reaction than a death that is peaceful and expected. Therefore,

if a child is experiencing grief due to a sudden death it is advised that the child be more closely

monitored for grief reactions so that the individual may act in a manner that is supportive as well

as preventative to complicated grief.

Preceding are a couple of the largest factors that are determinates of grief, however

besides these items there is also a broad array of circumstances that may affect how the child

experiences grief. The quality of the relationship that the child has with the deceased will play a

large role in determining grief, be it a positive relationship of a relationship that is ambivalent.

Also the relationship that the child has with his surviving family is an important factor as that

largely determines how much support the child will receive. Another factor likely to cause

exaggerated or complicated grief reactions is the number of losses in a short amount of time.

There are a large number of contributors to the degree of grief that the child will feel, as

someone who would like the help the most valuable tool is to be observant and empathetic so

that more helpful services may be given to the child.

As far as further differentiating the different reactions of different age groups goes, there

are general guild lines. However, it should be understood that although there are psychological
trends, exceptions are possible for any of the following age groups. The following is a general

guide to be extrapolated upon.

From birth until age two, it is very difficult to determine whether the difference in

behavior is due to grief reactions or a mirroring of the mothers reactions. If it is the infant’s

mother who has died, strong reactions will be displayed by the infant however may subside in a

relatively short amount of time if another person is brought into the infant’s life who is able to

provide the infant comfort and nourishment.

From ages two until age five the child may not understand the finality of death, which in

turn may lead them to expect that the deceased will eventually return. Also a renewed sense of

separation anxiety may occur, causing the child to cling to adults more than usual and also may

disrupt their sleep patterns. Lastly, children in this age group will likely seem to be unaffected by

the loss while playing though the grief still affects them on an internal level, due to the fact that

the intensity of grief is often excessive for the child to cope with for long periods at a time.

As with children ages two through five, children age five through nine may seems as

though the death hasn’t happened. Children at this age will also struggle to understand death as a

concrete event. This phenomenon mixed with the child’s desire to conform to their peers may

lead the child to imagine or pretend that the deceased is simply on a trip or at work so as to

achieve some semblance of normality.

Children in the age group of ten to thirteen are able to understand that death is a

permanent event, however, this may lead them to be more reclusive or withdrawn as a coping

mechanism with the harsh reality.

As the child enters adolescence (ages fourteen to eighteen) it is common for the child to

further their disassociation from their parents as they attempt to develop their own identity. This
may even lead to them leaving old friend groups to explore their identity, and oven this sense of

exploration linked with the stress of grief will lead the adolescent to experiment with substances

and/or drugs. Therefore, it is vital that those close to the child be conscious and watchful for

risky behaviors.

Since there is such a diverse reaction to grief in children, it can often be difficult for the

general public to arrive at a decision about how to aid the child during their journey. This often

leads to the public making the worst decision, which is taking no action at all. Listed below are

general considerations when interacting with a child who is experiencing grief.

First of all, it is of vital importance to be there to listen to the child if the child feels the

desire to express emotions. However, this does not mean that the child is doing anything

unhealthy if they decide that now is not the time to be vulnerable. As children are small, death is

very big and can only be comprehended in small doses at a time. While listening to the child’s

emotions it is important to mainly ask questions that clarify what the child is saying rather than

place any judgement upon the feelings. Death can bring about many negative emotions such as

sadness, guilt, anger, and fear. It is a common reaction in adults to attempt to invalidate these

emotions to sooth their own worries, however what would best benefit the child is to be

understood honestly for whatever emotions they are feeling at the time.

Also, it is important for any adults attempting to help a grieving child to understand their

own scope of practice. Basic emotional support may be provided by family members, members

of a congregation, or neighbors. However, children are especially prone to experience grief that

is more intense and long lasting than adults, which may require professional help. A licensed

counselor could prove helpful for any child who is experiencing grief, however it is important for

the public to realize that there are certain behaviors that illuminate the fact that a child should be
talking to a professional who is specially trained in communicating with children experiencing

grief.

The first signs that a child should be seeing a licensed counselor are that the child is

experiencing grief for a prolonged amount of time or at a seemingly heightened level. However,

this may be difficult for the general public to discern due to the fact that most individuals are

unaccustomed to being around grieving children. This is one of the reasons that speaking to a

councilor is a good idea to consider in every case. Other behaviors that would merit seeking

professional help are risky behavior, apathy and reclusion, and a heightened preoccupation with

death. Just because an individual is a provider for a child or close to a child does not mean that

that individual needs to bear the weight of helping the child cope with grief alone. It is important

for the care giver to recognize that the child may benefit from a more specialized professional.

Conclusion

Helping a child who is experiencing grief begins with recognizing that a child may be

experiencing grief. This requires the public to be observant of children and the events that may

be happening in their daily lives, as well as being aware of factors that may influence grief, such

as the nature of the relationship and the manner of death. At the point when it is known that the

death had happened, further support may be provided by taking the time to become familiar with

the child’s developmental level and provide support that will be especially helpful for the child’s

age group. It is also of vital importance that anyone attempting to provide comfort for a grieving

child do so with an open mind and heart, lest their reaction to the child’s emotion does more

harm than good. Lastly, it is important for the general public to understand that assisting a

grieving child is a monumental task that often times cannot be undertaken alone. The use of a

licensed counselor does not signify failure on the part of adults who are closest to the child and
may prove to be especially helpful if the child is experiencing signs of complicated grief. By

understanding these basic tenants of children and grief the public can better provide support to

children, who are the future.

 Works Cited

Cupit, Illene N. “Developmental Crises and Global Crises: Helping Bereaved Children and

Adolescents.” TPM, vol. 24, no. 3, Sept. 2019.

Dresser, Norine, and Fredda Wasserman. Saying Goodbye to Someone You Love: Your

Emotional Journey Through End of Life and Grief. Demos Medical Publishing, 2010.

Salloum, Alison, et al. “The Associations of Complicated Grief, Depression, Posttraumatic

Growth, and Hope Among Bereaved Youth.” OMEGA-Journal of Death and Dying, vol.

79, no. 2, June 2019, pp. 157–173.