PAPER 3 - ARGUMENT

Letter 2

Dear Andrea,

While the beginning of your paper did an effective job of grabbing the reader’s
attention, the title was not very creative and did not have the same effect. In order
to gain attention from readers and make your paper seem more interesting, try
coming up with a title that encompasses the argument being made by your paper to
give readers a general understanding of the topic before they begin reading. You
have done a very good job of introducing the topic and providing insight into both
sides of the issue. However, there is no defined introduction or thesis statement, so
it is difficult to tell which side is being argued. In order to clarify this a little more, try
including your thesis/claim at the end of paragraph 3, before you introduce the
sides of the argument. In addition, if you were to provide a more clear separation
between your introduction and your first body paragraph it would help to set up
your argument in a more clear, and focused way, and help readers identify your
stance on the issue easily. Your body paragraphs follow a clear outline, moving from
one argument and its counter argument to the next piece of evidence. However, it
would be easier to follow this flow if the paragraphs weren’t so broken up, and were
instead divided by the argument being discussed. For example, instead of having
several paragraphs discussing the argument of hunting and how it benefits or does
not benefit the economy, try grouping all of those points into one cohesive
paragraph. Aside from the organization, your points do a very effective job at
conveying your argument and providing sound evidence for both sides. However, a
lot of your positions are very weak and you do not take a clear/defined stance for
either side. You state that you can see the arguments for both sides, but in this style
of writing you need to argue why one side is more correct than the other, and there
is no defined sense of a central claim throughout your body paragraphs. To improve
the flow and the effectiveness of your arguments you should state your claim at the
end of each paragraph and explain why your argument is the best one. You do not
make any assumptions regarding your counterarguments, however, you do tend to
go off topic when discussing the other sides argument. For example, in paragraph
15 you discuss the issue of animal exploitation in slaughterhouses and farms, such
as using steroids in cattle and livestock, which is not relevant to the issue of hunting
and trophy hunting that is being discussed. Sections such as this should be
removed from your paper so as not to obstruct the flow and focus of the essay. In
your conclusion you introduce your claim to the argument and make a sound
closure to the points you have made throughout your paper. In addition, by bringing
in the point of the animals role in the issue of hunting, you effectively draw on

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pathos to bring your argument to a close and show that your argument is the better
one. However your conclusion could be made clearer if you followed the structure
of your introduction and included some points that were discussed in your paper to
further back up your claim. Your conclusion will also be made more effective with
the presence of a central claim throughout your paper, not just at the close.

Sincerely, Madison Richardson

Madison Richardson, 24 de oct en 13:06