Text from my initial WP A comment or The changes I made to what I How this change

submission: WP1 question I initially wrote: impacts my paper:

received(from
whom/where?)

Grammar problem Grammar change,

Thus, in my opinion, a from the peer- Thus, in my opinion, a which can make
reviwed the essay
specific rhetorical situation is used specific rhetorical situation is used better!(grammatical
ly)
by an author who wants to by an author who wants to

influenced influence a specific influence influence a specific group

group of people. of people.

Professor Rachel Overhead world game is a kind of change the

Overhead world game, which is a Feldman: sturcture
genre of video game that change
everything in the game’s world is
fictitious and realistic world game,
which is totally opposite to
overhead world game because the
world inside is unbelievably
similar to the real world, are two
genres that I used as an example.
video game that includes a structure of part of
completely fictitious world in it. the paragraph in
Oppositely, realistic world game is order to make it
another kind of video game that clear.
makes everything inside the game
unbelievably similar with the real
world. Moreover, these two kinds
of video games are the genres
that I would like to talk about.

Delete the whole second
paragraph and move it into the
analysis paragraph
Professor Rachel I reorganize the the essay by Make the structure
Feldman: structure, using four body paragraph with better
a big major change two body introducing the video
game and two paragraph
analyzing the relationship between
genre, cnovention and rhetorical
situation

Professor Rachel Grammar fixed,

Overhead world game, Feldman:grammar Overhead world game, delete some
and concision unnecessary
which is a genre of video game that which is a game includes a words.

everything in the game’s world is fictitious world in it, and realistic

fictitious and realistic world game, world game, which includes a

which is totally opposite to world that is similar with the real

overhead world game because the world, are two genres that I will

world inside is unbelievably talk about.

similar to the real world, are two

genres that I used as an example.

Professor Rachel add the missing

Then, based on the Feldman: grammar Then, based on the “and”

background, which is built by the background, which is built by the

context of introduction, the context of introduction, and the

character, which is a medium of character, which is a medium of

context in the game, we can context in the game, we can

understand the connection between understand the connection between

genre and rhetorical situation and genre and rhetorical situation and

identify the overhead world game identify the overhead world game

and realistic world game easily. and realistic world game easily.

Professor Rachel Concision will be

Thus, when the context of Feldman:concision Thus, when the context better.

the introduction appears at the appears at the beginning of the

beginning of the game and it is game and it is describing the

describing the background of the background of the game

game
 Me:concision Concision and try
In fact, both of the In fact, there are some not to mention
rhetorical situation
background’s context that I have conventions in context of video while this
paragraph is
mentioned are the rhetorical game’s background. explaining the
connection
between genre and
situation and they includes the convention.
genre’s conventions.

Me: concision Make the

As mention before, As mention before, explanation easier
to understand
fictitious content is the symbol of fictitious content is the convention

the overhead world game. of the overhead world game.

Me:Add a better Using a more

While technology
developing nowadays, people are
creating software on the computer
is hook As Miyamoto Shigeru said, interesting hook
which is a phrase
“When I'm making video games from the father of
Mario, Miyamoto
today, I want people to be Shigeru

in order to make computer more entertained. I am always thinking,

and more convenient as a tool to How are people going to enjoy

help people. playing the games we are making

today? And as long as I can enjoy

something other people can enjoy

it, too.”
 Me: After the class, I Concision and less
My friend always say I am am confident My friend always say I am unnecessary
enough now so I sentence.
a deep thinker, so my logic delete the a deep thinker, because my logic
unnecessary part
sometime is complex. However, I sometime is complex. However, I

always want to write my complex want to write my complex thought

thought into the essay and share into the essay and share them.

them. Thus, my writing skill may

not be good enough to support

such complex content. If the

context of the essay is not clear,

please teach me how to write it in

a way that is easier to understand.

Me: Clearer esaier to

background and character conclusion to background and character understand the
explain idea.
are two elements of video game includes some rhetorical situations

that can directly show the that carry the convention, so people

convention of genre, and help us to are able to identify the genre while

identify overhead world game and they see these conventions.

realistic world game.

 Me: Add a sentence
The character of these two at the end of third
body paragraph in
games are not only interesting, but order to connect it
with fourth body
also able to help us to explain paragraph better.
Flow is better .
The character of these two Paragraph is
connected better.
games are not only interesting, but
also able to help us to explain

rhetorical situation. rhetorical situation.

MeL Add a sentence better connection.

After understanding the at the end of first After understanding the
body paragraph in
background of game, it is time to order to connect background of game, it is time to
with second body
use it to explain the connection paragraph better. use it to explain the connection

between genre and convention. between genre and convention.

Text from my initial WP A comment or The changes I made How this change impacts my paper
submission: WP2 question I to what I initially
received(from wrote:
whom/where?)

Professor Rachel Grammar correct

Nowadays, video game is one of the Feldman: grammar Nowadays, video

most popular entertainments. Not games are one of the

only teenagers but also adults spend most popular

part of their spare time on playing entertainments. Not

video game. only teenagers but

also adults spend part

 of their spare time on

playing video game.

Almost every “video game” I Professor Rachel correct sentence

change them to “video games” Feldman: grammar

Professor Rachel consicion and grammar will be

It is fair enough to say that the Feldman: concision It is fair enough to better
and grammar
phenomenon of addiction exists, but say that the

it is not appropriate to deny video phenomenon of

games because part of the video addiction exists, but

game players is addicted to it it is not appropriate

to deny video games

because some video

game players are

addicted to it

Professor Rachel use the correct spelling

If they do not, I can say that they Feldman:typo If they do not, I can

spend most of their time making say that they spend

care of the children. most of their time

taking care of the

children.

Professor Rachel Grammar and concision will be

Therefore, compare to a scientific Feldman: grammar Therefore, compare better.

magazine, tweet will be the genre to a scientific

magazine, tweet is a
that parents are likely to read genre that parents are

because of its special conventions. more likely to read

because of its special

conventions.

Professor Rachel Concision, delete the unnecessary

In my opinion, a paragraph of short Feldman:consicion A paragraph of short word.

text is obviously one of the best text is obviously one

ways for people who are busy to of the best ways for

gain information. people who are busy

to gain information.

Professor Rachel word choice, make more sense

it is still difficult for me to translate Feldman: word it is still difficult for
choce
the whole article because I usually me to translate the

have to deal with the angle of view. whole article

because I usually

have to deal with the

pointof view.

Add a better hook in the Me: add a intereting Better hook, better introduction to
introduction and better hook Shigeru Miyamoto attract people to read.

said, “The obvious

objective of video

games is to entertain

people by surprising

them with new

 experiences.”(Shiger

u)

Add a quote to prove that parents Professor Rachel Make my explaination stronger.
are more likely to use mobile Feldman: add In the article “85%
device to gain information evidence
of U.S. Adults Read

the News on a

Mobile Device”,

David Z. Morris

mentioned that

“Ninety-four percent

of Americans aged

18-49 now read news

on mobile

devices.”(Morris)

Me: make the thesis Make change on the thesis

Therefore, I think it a good choice statement clearer Therefore, Although statement so it state the content of
essay better.
translate this source material into it is difficult to

tweet, which is one of the most translate a academic

popular social media, because of article into a

parents’ reading habit can fit Twitter informal genre, I

perfectly. think it a good choice

translate this source

material into tweet,

which is one of the

 most popular social

media, because of

parents’ reading

habit can fit Twitter

perfectly.

Professor Rachel Mention the author of the source

I choose the source article, which is Feldman: add the I choose the source article.
author of the article
called “That Dragon, Cancer: Video article, which is

Game as Art Form [Leading Edge]” called “That Dragon,

Cancer: Video Game

as Art Form

[Leading Edge]” by

Eilon Shoshana