Revision Matrix

Text from my initial A comment or The change(s) I made How this change
WP submission question I received to what I initially impacts my paper
wrote:

WP 1: The entire “Good thesis but the Added “The appeal to Clarifies exactly what I
introduction paragraph argument really authority, organization, am going to argue in
becomes clear in the tone, and diction all my body paragraphs.
conclusion” - Allison play an important role
Bocchino in convincing their
intended audience to
buy the company’s
products”

WP 1: “The cereal “It takes several Deleted “The cereal This makes the
boxes that you take out sentences to find out boxes that you take out argument and thesis
of the cupboard...they which genre will be of the cupboard… they more clear in the
all belong to their own examined” -Allison all belong to their own introduction paragraph.
genres” Bocchino genres”

WP 1: “In addition all I reread my writing “In addition, all of them This change makes the
of them have a printed project have a printed label on sentence grammatically
label on them to convey them to convey correct.
information…” information…”

WP 1: “These four “Some of the intro [in Deleted and instead This change relates to
bottles of lotion contain your 1st body added “The the argument and
lotion which is a smooth paragraph] is useful… differentiation in the explains why different
and silky liquid which is while I’m not sure how visual aspects creates a brands have different
used to moisturize the other parts connect.” ‘brand look’ that an packaging.
skin. They are also in -Allison Bocchino audience can recognize
containers… that is easily.” after “... some
exactly what they have of the information on
in common” the labels differentiate
from bottle to bottle.”

WP 1: “For example, Revision Strategies: Changed to “ For This change explicitly

they all have their Rearrange example, they all have describes the labeling
designated company their designated differences that each
names like Jergens… company names like lotion company has and
and Gold Bond, and Jergens… and Gold why they are different.
each company uses Bond; because each
different ingredients in company uses different
their product meaning ingredients, the items
the list would not be the listed on their labels
same would not be the same.
WP 1: “This can be “Disparity in Deleted “This can be This change was made
explained through the length/detail” - Allison explained through the because it narrows my
apparent ​appeal to Bocchino apparent ​appeal to argument down to one
nature… t​ he lotion will nature… ​the lotion will convention, which
most likely help in most likely help in makes it easier to
healing dry skin by healing dry skin by pinpoint my evidence
nature.” nature.” and have a stronger
argument.

WP 1: Entire format of Bocchino said to Added footnotes to This change makes it

the paper change to Chicago each citing from any easier for the audience
Style website used. to recognize what style
of writing it is and how
the paper is organized

WP 1: “it is clear to see Revision Strategies: “It is clear to see that This truncates the
that the creators use the Delete the creators use sentence and makes it
logical strategy argumentum ad more succinct because
argumentum ad verecundiam…” my point is still made
verecundiam” without it.

WP 1: “Anyone looking Revision Strategies: “Anyone planning to Flows better, and uses
to buy skincare products Substitute purchase skincare stronger vocabulary.
sees and perhaps buys products sees and
the healing lotion, but it contemplates buying
is mostly targeted the healing lotion, but it
towards people with dry mostly targets
or flaky skin.” individuals with dry or
flaky skin.”
WP 1: This is most Allison Bocchino “This is most likely Fixes a run on sentence
likely targeted towards during class targeted towards them and changes to the
them because the because companies tense so that the essay
companies claim that claim that their product is in one tense.
their product soothes soothes and keeps the
and heals the skin and skin healthy.”
keeps it healthy

WP 2: Mason “In paragraph on Mason automatically Through this change in

automatically assumes jargon, could have assumes that the my essay, I add more
that the audience is provided more audience is credibility to my
knowledgeable of examples” -Allison knowledgeable of argument by adding
different countries and Bocchino different countries and more evidence to
mentions many mentions many support my claims.
countries. countries, such as the
“Largo Campo in the
centre of Salvador da
Bahia” that he mentions
at the beginning of his
article.

WP 2: There is no “An example from Added “For example, By adding an example,

jargon related to dance theater/dance would’ve as Pauka explains the I have more evidence to
specifically, but it was been nice to see” plot of the play, she strengthen my
informational to the -Allison Bocchino mentions that the argument.
point where every deep performers include “a
analysis of the dances jurusan, a sequence of
talked about the culture attack-and-defense
through dance movements” which was
interpretation. a “lively sequence” that
“sets the appropriate
martial mood.”
Although there is no
specific jargon that is
hard to understanded,
the information solely
 analyzes the dance and
the mood that it creates
for the entirety of the
play.

WP 2: “The Allison Bocchino “The ethnomusicology This changes the way in

Ethnomusicology article article uses first which I properly
uses first person…” person...” capitalize nouns

WP 2: “Direct Started Lines pamphlet “Direct Fixes my punctuation

Correspondences,” Correspondences,” errors.
“Oblique “Oblique
Correspondences,” Correspondences,” and
and“Self-accompanied “Self-accompanied Tari
Tari Piring” Piring”

WP 2: “The manner in Revision Strategies: “The manner in which Changes the structure
which an author creates Rearrange an author creates an and organization of my
an article is important article is important essay to make it flow
because it demonstrates because it demonstrates better.
how they use genre how they use genre
conventions depending conventions depending
on… the given on… the given
discipline. The discipline. The
methods…” discipline and its
evidence is organized
and portrayed through
the author’s tone and
evidence. In this way,
The authors in each
discipline emphasize a
certain message.”

WP 2: Pauka, Kirstin. “Don’t italicize these”” Kirstin Pauka, I use Chicago Style
“Umbuik Mudo and the -Allison Bocchino “Umbuik Mudo and the formatting correctly
Magic Flute” ​Asian “Footnotes aren’t Magic Flute” ​Asian after making this
Theatre Journal: ATJ completely formatted Theatre Journal: ATJ change..
20, no. 2 (2003): 1​ 13-46 correctly” -Allison 20, no. 2 (2003):
Bocchino 113-46
WP 2: Mason, Paul H., “Footnotes aren’t Paul H. Mason, Through this change, I
“Tapping the Plate or completely formatted “Tapping the Plate or correctly use Chicago
Hitting the Bottle: correctly” -Allison Hitting the Bottle: Style formatting.
Sound and Movement in Bocchino Sound and Movement
Self-accompanied and in Self-accompanied
Musician-accompanied and
Dance,” Musician-accompanied
Ethnomusicology Dance,”
Forum 23, no. 2 (2014):​ Ethnomusicology
208-28 Forum 23, no. 2 (2014):​
208-28