Salt Lake Community College

Forgiveness

Alyssa Schoenwald

Communications 1080

Professor Jones

8 December 2019
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Alyssa Schoenwald

Professor Jones

Communications 1080

8 December 2019

Forgiveness

One unit that really hit me hard this semester was the apology and forgiveness unit. I

have had a lot of experience with this the past couple of years and so it was interesting to see it in

a textbook and online classroom.

According to the dictionary, an apology can be defined as a regretful acknowledgement

of an offense or failure. No true apology will ever have the word “but” within it because when a

person includes “but”, there is either criticism or an excuse that follows. The “but” cancels out

the entire apology. (Lerner 2014) Also when you apologize, the point of an apology is to try and

correct wrong doing. Recognizing that “I’m sorry” is not enough is the hardest, and yet most

crucial part of an apology.

“Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release

feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of

whether they actually deserve your forgiveness” (Forgiveness Definition). Forgiving is not

forgetting. It is simply allowing your feelings to be set aside and moving past a mistake.

An apology is one of the most important social skills to learn. Apologies can either go

really good or really bad. “Even though it’s such a powerful social skill, we give precious little
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thought to teaching our children how to apologize” (Lazare 1995). A proper apology has the

power to mend broken relationships. It has a healing nature.

Though there are many reasons for an apology, the most common is because of a

personal offense or mistake. According to Lazare, there are four reasons for an apology. The first

reason is to save a relationship. Then there is reason for empathy, needing the feeling of empathy

to feel better about an action that a person has done. After that is to escape punishment. Finally

to relieve oneself of a guilty conscience. (Lazare 1995)

There is a basic strategy for how to build an apology. First you must acknowledge what

you have done. Second you must give an explanation as to why you did what you did. To make

an apology sincere, you must be sure to explain that your action was not your intention. In order

to have a good apology, you also have to suffer a little bit. There must be empathy behind the

apology and it must be meaningful. In order to have a successful apology, there must be an

“exchange of shame and power between the offender and the offended. By apologizing, you take

the shame of your offense and redirect it to yourself” (Lazare 1995).

The other end of the apology is forgiveness. There are five steps to forgiveness. First is

listening to the apology and giving the offender an opportunity to explain their actions. The

second step is the acceptance of the apology. Step three is deciding whether or not the offender is

forgiven and the communication between the two parties. Step four is, if wanted, to transform the

relationship. This means that the two parties will decide if they want to pursue the relationship or

if they want to put an end to it. Finally, actions show whether or not the offender is forgiven.

Forgiveness is an option. It is not required every time an apology is made. Those who

seek forgiveness must take the necessary actions to get there. “An unfortunate side effect of the
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recent surge of research on forgiveness is its tendency to focus on the person doing the forgiving

instead of the person seeking forgiveness” (Cahn 2014). You don’t have to move on completely

is someone has hurt you. But if you wish to forgive, you have to be able to trust that the other

person will change their habits to correct their mistake.

One way to forgive someone is to not go to bed angry. If you go to bed angry, you may

build up the situation worse in your head. Another way is to avoid telling people what to do.

“Remember that you do not own anyone” (Dyer 2017). If you are telling someone what to do,

you are not making any situation any better. To forgive we must learn to “let go and be like

water”.

Learning to apologize is a basic form of communication. Not everyone teaches their kids

to apologize, and it is become a problem in today’s society. We must learn to empathize so that

we can forgive. Forgiving someone that hurt you can be very difficult, but it is possible.

Sometimes we have to be the bigger person in order to forgive, and that can be hard. Forgiveness

is not for everyone, but there are times where it is required if you want a relationship to continue.

Apologies are one of the most important things to learn. We as humans must learnt to be

empathetic. Apologies have the power to mend relationships if they are done properly. Taking

responsibility for what you have done is another part of an apology. If you cannot take

responsibility for what you have done, there is no point in making an apology.

Learning to forgive is also very important because we learn how to move on and be the

bigger person. If you put forgiveness and apologies together, you can make a strong relationship

stronger and in the end, both parties benefit.

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Works Cited

Cahn, Dudley D, and Ruth Anna Abigail. “Managing Conflict through Forgiveness.” Managing

Conflict Through Commuication, 5th ed., Pearson, 2014, pp. 203–220.

Dyer, Wayne W. “How To Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You: In 15 Steps.” Dr. Wayne W.

Dyer, 13 Mar. 2017, https://www.drwaynedyer.com/blog/how-to-forgive-someone-in-15-

steps/.

“Forgiveness Definition: What Is Forgiveness.” Greater Good,

https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/forgiveness/definition.

Lazare, Aaron. Go Ahead, Say You're Sorry. 1 Jan. 1995.

Lerner, Harriet. “The 9 Rules for True Apologies.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, 14

Sept. 2014, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-dance-connection/201409/the-

9-rules-true-apologies.