Revision matrix

Text from my initial A comment or question The change(s) I made How this change
WP submission: (Note I received (from to what I initially impacts my paper?
which WP) whom/where?) wrote:

WP 1: For example, Allison: The I deleted the sentence This makes my

most presidential or introduction is more of because it added no real introduction feel more
congressional an analysis. From the substance to the like an introduction
campaign flyers simply professor introductory paragraph. instead of an analysis.
demonstrate a picture It also makes my paper
of the candidate and a come across more clear
“vote fro whomever for and concise.
the U.S. Senate 2020”
and so forth.

WP 1:One of the flyers Allison: The word One of the flyers posted This makes my paper
is posted around the “advocation” felt odd. around the hall flow better and makes
hall is in advocation for advocates Athena the sentence less
Athena Wang. Wang for hall awkward.
president.

WP 1: Nicole’s flyer Tessa: unnecessary info I deleted the sentence The deletion of the
also showcases her maybe? because it was sentence helped create a
goals and credibility; unrelated to the topic of more organized
however, her photo the paragraph and paragraph that doesn’t
takes up about half of threw off the flow of flop between topics and
the flyer, limiting her ideas. ideas.
background info and
goals to a smaller font,
and consequently,
making it less visible.

WP 1: (none) Gem: Maybe make This added evidence I tried to connect the
your arguments a bit helps the candidates evidence to the claim to
stronger? look more credible and make the argument
reliable, and adds to the stronger within that
formal aspect of the paragraph. I also ended
flyer, showcasing that that paragraph with a
she should be taken quote before so the
seriously. extra sentence at the
end helps with that as
well.

WP 1: “​Bond within Allison: few issues with “​Bond within each I made a lot of mistakes
each floor-Floor punctuation floor-Floor Battle/ when it came to
Battle/ ​each floor each floor forms its punctuation and
 forms its own team and own team and competes commas, so I fixed
competes with other with other floors in most of them to make
floors in many fun many fun games,” my paper look more
games”, formal and
professional.

WP 1: (none) Gem: Maybe make So, the candidates tend I incorporated a new
your argument a bit to prioritize the name sentence to the end of
stronger? recognition aspect of this paragraph to tie in
voting and limit the the claim and evidence,
information aspect to creating a warrant,
half a page, in order to which makes my
gain the most votes. argument stronger.

WP 1: Because of this, Allison: The Because of this, I tried to take the

candidates tend to introduction is more of candidates tend to information about
solely rely on campaign an analysis. solely rely on campaign bigger elections out of
flyers to promote flyers to promote the sentence so it can
themselves, which can themselves, which can sound less like an
explain why most explain why these analysis, and change it
examples of student campaign flyers, in into something that
hall council campaign particular, are answers one of the
flyers have more structured and formed guiding questions for
information on them to carry a relatively vast the WP.
than campaign flyers amount of information.
for bigger elections.

WP 2: For example, is Allison: Footnotes ...for example, is a bar For most of the
a bar graph that shows follow punctuation. graph that shows the footnotes of my WP 2, I
the growth of cannabis growth of cannabis formatted the in-text
sales over time1,... sales over time,2... citations wrong, so I
correctly cited them.

WP 2: Wen, Hefei, Allison: Citation done Hefei Wen, Jason M. I cited the articles
Jason M. Hockenberry, incorrectly Hockenberry, and wrong, using the
and Benjamin G. Benjamin G. Druss, bibliography format for
Druss. “The Effect of “The Effect of Medical the footnotes, so I
Medical Marijuana Marijuana Laws on changed them so my
Laws on Marijuana-Related paper could be
Marijuana-Related Attitude and Perception correctly cited.
Attitude and Perception Among US Adolescents
Among US and Young Adults,”
Adolescents and Young Prevention Science​ 20,
Adults.” ​Prevention no. 2 (February 2019),
Science​ 20, no. 2 220

1
2
(February 2019), 220

WP 2: (none) Allison: Your points Unlike the The addition of this

kind of blur together economic-based article, sentence creates a
the evidence in the warrant and helps the
psychology article paper and the paragraph
serves more of a become more
purpose and use for organized.
setting up and
supporting the main
argument, and is
incorporated into the
argument more
thoroughly.

WP 2: ​The structure of Tessa: You should In addition, the The addition of a

the economic-based maybe use techniques structure of the transitional phrase
article is very intricate that help your paper’s economic-based article makes the paper flow
and detailed. flow. is very intricate and better.
detailed.

WP 2: Despite the fact Allison: Your points The economic article I incorporated tone into
that the jargon used in kind of blur together maintains a a paragraph where it
the article isn’t very professional, focused didn’t belong. To fix it,
difficult to understand, tone when commenting I created a separate
it is very specific to its on the state of paragraph dedicated to
genre and its marijuana in the real tone to make the paper
community due to the estate market. It doesn’t better structured and
heavy focus on the real really intentionally… also to make the points
estate market and the and arguments come
economy. The article across more clearly.
maintains a
professional, focused
tone...

WP 2: ​Consequently, Anjani: It’d be helpful Consequently, the I tried to make the

the article concerning to elaborate on certain article concerning the sentence summarize the
the marijuana market ideas. marijuana market uses main point of the
uses more sources than more sources than the paragraph better, to get
the psychology-influenced my thought process out
psychology-influenced one, which uses more more clearly.
one. self-derived evidence.

WP 2: For example, Gem: Use a variety of One of the important I changed the structure
one of the pieces of different vocab. (Be pieces of evidence of the sentence so
evidence used is a bar less repetetive) used, for example, is a begininng a sentence
graph that shows the bar graph that shows with “For example”
growth of cannabis the growth of cannabis doesn’t become
sales over time. sales over time... repetitive.

WP 2: (none) Allison: Your point The level of I added this sentence to

kind of blur together thoroughness create a stronger
compensates for the argument that
lack of already proven
credible sources and
adds to the study’s
argument and validity.