My Teen and The Internet

Introduction

Ever feel like you’ve talked to someone and there was a transfer of
information, lips were moving, your ears were working, but there really wasn’t any
connection? Ever been the recipient of a one-way conversation where you know that
the purpose of the other person’s talking was not to engage and “connect”, but rather
to use you to “display their wares?” You know the feeling. It’s one where you just
watch the other person talk and wonder what is motivating the continuous clatter and
chatter? I was in one of those one-way conversations last week. I walked into the
kitchen at our Conference Center and one of our new girl residents had just returned
from Christmas break. She was standing there with her mother. Not really knowing
her, I asked her casually how she was doing. A simple question that opened a
Pandora’s Box of response.

She proceeded, in the next 15 minutes, to tell me everything about her,

everything she’s ever done, everything she’s thought, everything she’s ever eaten,
everything she’s ever felt.

She told me how she had traveled the world, how many instruments she had
played, what a great musician she was, and how she was so cool. She said that she
could play the guitar, the cello, the violin, the piano, the harp, the drums, the
trumpet, the bass guitar, the flute, the clarinet, and the tuba. She told me about all
the things she liked to do, and all the things she didn’t like to do. She shared every
feeling she’s ever had and tossed in a dissertation about every thought that she’s had
as well. She told me about her family. She told me how she was a swimmer, a
gymnast, a dancer, an equestrian, a pianist, a volleyball queen, and a lacrosse player.

She shared how she had been homecoming queen, the “most likely to succeed”
in her class, winter ball queen, spring fling queen, and strawberry festival queen. She
told me what she wanted to be, and what she didn’t want to be. She shared all her
hopes and dreams, and all her disappointments and failures.

You get the picture, right? And all I did was ask how she was doing.

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 I just kept looking at her thinking to myself amidst this verbal barrage, “My
goodness, who pulled her chain?” She was like a Chatty Cathy on steroids. An
energizer bunny with no drum and just a mouth. I stood amazed at how, in this one
way conversation, she was desperately trying to “engage” in the best way that she
knew how.….to show her “stuff” in hopes that someone might respond.

She wanted me to know that she was valuable. She wanted me to know that
she was worth something. She wanted me to know that “I’m something!” She
wanted to be wanted. And I was saddened. Saddened because here was a young
lady that really wanted to relate and have a discussion, and all she’s learned is that
the more she talks about herself, the bigger chance that she’ll “catch” someone’s
attention. She’s been fooled.

Just because there was a whole lot of communication, doesn’t mean there was
a whole lot of connection. Matter of fact there was none. She was like a salesman
that didn’t “close the deal.”

The Scripture that kept ringing in my head was the one from Proverbs that
states “A fool finds no pleasure in understanding, but delights in airing his own
opinions (18:2 NIV). Is this young lady a fool? No. But this young lady is foolish to
believe that her style of “one-way communication” would cause others to “connect”
with her. Quite honestly, her style of engagement has more of a tendency to push
people away. I found myself feeling like I wanted to be somewhere else while she
was talking….I just wanted to be somewhere else where my ears could take a break.

All of us have more ways of communicating than ever before. This statement
will always hold true as there will always be newer ways to communicate with others.
My concern is that amidst all the communication devices we have access to, that we
fail to either learn how to connect ourselves, or fail at passing on some tools to our
kids that would help them “connect” in their communication.

The Internet is a good thing. I have always looked at its use to compliment
how I already communicate. I use it as a resource to find more information. But I
don’t use it as my “only way” to communicate, and look at the Internet as “the”
source of all information. So many young people rely so heavily on texting, IM’ing, e-

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mail, one-line web chats, and web pages to communicate, that they sometimes miss
the face-to-face interaction and one-on-one live communication skills that are so
needed in personal relationships. Allow me to use this example to share what I’m
talking about.

Watching movies is a pretty normal activity. And when many people get
together, they watch movies. And during movies, people usually remain quiet.
There’s very little interaction. They don’t converse. There’s very little exchange of
words. Nothing wrong with that. But when watching movies becomes the main focus
of interaction between people, and there is very little engagement and dialogue, then
relationships aren’t as deep as they could be if more time was spent talking,
communicating, sharing thoughts and ideas, and having discussion.

So, in a world that is so visually stimulating and full of communication devices

that don’t require face-to-face communication, teens fall into style of communication
that is different from that of teens in the past, where the ready access to movies
(once only a Friday night event) and digital communication were limited or didn’t
exist. My point is that while there is value to all these new creative toys, devices,
procedures, and habits, it precludes the development of some valuable old habits that
might be useful to teens today.

And when you couple a reliance on devices and habits of one-way

communication with a culture that nurture’s self expression to unimaginable limits,
that setting fuels selfishness and self-centeredness through the encouragement of one
to proclaim one’s opinions, fantasy, ideas, and false images.

Obviously this young lady hasn’t quite developed good communication skills.
She thinks that she has. But what she is finding is that she’s giving her
communication skills a “run for their money”, and they’re not working. And when they
haven’t worked, she’s ventured into areas of behavior that are inappropriate ways of
communicating, getting value, and developing deeper relationships. What she has
found is that the ways she’s learned to communicate aren’t really filling her needs,
and the newer ways of behavior are only complicating her life.

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 This young lady is a great kid. She’s going to learn some great things that will
shape her life. Her life will change because attention and instruction will be given to
help her in her weaknesses in her communication style. As a result, she will learn
more effective ways of communication that will give her the messages of value, love,
truth, and selflessness that in her “heart of hearts”, she truly desires.

I finally got a chance to wedge in a question from “out of the blue” that I hoped
would stop this girl’s long running ongoing answer. Our dialogue changed direction
when I asked, “What’s been the most difficult thing that

has happened in your life?” Her chattering stopped, her eyes whelped up with tears,
and she quickly said, “When my Dad died and I felt all alone.” Suddenly, there was
silence. I stood looking at her for a few seconds and instead of trying to come up with
the right words to say, I just gave her a hug. She quickly wanted to talk, but I
encouraged her, “Hey, hey, hey….you don’t need to say anything.” Her mother tried
to start talking as I was hugging her daughter who was crying as if to change the
awkwardness of the situation. Awkward to her, but not to me. I motioned and said to
her….”Shhhhh….we’re communicating.”

A connection was made.

I’m Cooler Online

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 I’ve never met a young person who hasn’t wanted to “be cool” in the eyes of
their peers. Wanting to “be somebody”, wanting to “be accepted”, and wanting to “be
loved” are pretty normal longings. Wanting to “catch someone’s eye”. Hoping for
value among friends and acceptance amidst peers is paramount for teens. Teens want
others to know that they have it all together. They want others to know that they’ve
accomplished something. They want others to “sing their praises.” They want to be
known. They want to be revered by others. They want to be liked. They want to be
successful. They want a sense of significance.

They want…………...nothing more than what I want.

Yet, I have a way to show that. I can show those things through the
possessions that I own, through the work that I do, and the house that I have. I can
show it through years of relationships and work. I can display worth and value
through the toys that I play with, and the places that I travel. I can show my
success through my family, my grand kids, and my pets. I can show value through
my associations, my pro-creations, my collections, my bank account, and my
vocations. I can show a life’s purpose fulfilled and my years of intent that I’m happy
with and it can stand for itself. Why, my GPS systems tells me daily, that “I have
arrived.”

How’s a teen supposed to show the world that they’re “worthy in their eyes of
their peers?” They didn’t purchase their own car, and they don’t have jobs. They don’t
have years of relationships, and they don’t have kids and grandkids. They don’t really
have that many toys (they play with their family’s stuff) and they can’t really travel
without Mom and Dad. They haven’t collected much, they haven’t done much, and
the teen years really aren’t “the best years of their life.” They’ve earned very little
and what they do have, has been given to them (most, in excess). Most aren’t happy
with where they are in life, and haven’t a clue about what their purpose is. But they
do have longings in their life for the same things that I long for. And until they learn a
little, live a little, and blow out a few more candles, the Internet gives them the
opportunity to express those longings. Every teen expresses their deep longings in
some way. Most teens don’t have a house. They don’t have a spouse. But they do
have a mouse.

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 My college degree in finance and real estate investments tells me that
“location, location, location” is paramount to value. My minor in marketing tells me
that “presentation” sells. And my common sense tells me that if I put the two
together with a little “networking,” I might just get people to pay attention.

Whoever has put together the maze of social networking through the Internet
has given a landing place for teens where location and presentation merge with
opportunities for networking and interaction. Whether it’s MySpace, Bebo, Facebook,
Friendster, MyPraize.com, Tribe, Hi5, Orkut, YouChristianSpace, or one of the other
300 social networking sites on the Internet, it is a perfect place for the “have-nots”
who want something.

Jason Illian, author of “MySpace, My Kids”, likens a teen’s homepage on

MySpace to a home that they can decorate any way they want, show off what they
have, and display who they are. They can place videos, music, images, comments,
thoughts, and wallpaper in any form they want to express whatever they want to
whomever they want. They get to invite people to their “home”, they have the
opportunity to limit who comes to their “home”, and they can present themselves as
they want to be presented. They can form groups, develop a base of friends, and find
things in common with people they don’t know.

Do teens exaggerate things about themselves? Is the pope, Catholic? Yes,

they exaggerate. They’re teens. And does this exaggeration cause problems?
Sometimes. Should parents be concerned? Perhaps. Should we eliminate the
Internet in the lives of our kids because of potential dangers and the not so truthful
presentations? At times.
Instructor 7/20/13 9:54 AM
Comment [1]: Greg,  is  lying  wrong  only  
I had a young man (one of our teens at Heartlight) at a small group meeting I when  it  causes  a  problem?  Isn’t  this  a  point  of  
discussion  with  the  teen?  Lying  is  wrong.  It  
lead, tell me that he has over 4,000 “friends” (other people who agree to be listed on seems  to  me  that  you  are  referring  to  
distortions  that  go  way  beyond  a  little  
one’s page) on his MySpace page. He boasted of this number in front of the rest of the
exaggeration.  
group for affect. Was he exaggerating? Yes. I looked on his MySpace page and he
had 6 “friends”. Was I then supposed to go to him and correct him? No. But his
comments coupled with what I see on his Internet interaction, gives me a clearer
picture about who he is and what issues he might be struggling with.

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 This past Christmas I was reading through all the cards that were sent to my
Instructor 7/20/13 9:50 AM
wife and me. I love reading Christmas cards. One in particular stands out. It was a
Comment [2]: Greg,  this  is  a  common  error  
picture of a family that looked picture perfect. Everyone looked great, were all that  is  avoidable  if  we  stop  to  say,  “to  my  
wife”  (correct)  or  “to  I”  (incorrect).  When  the  
smiling, and not a blemish in site (amazing what Photo-Shop will do). The other  person  is  removed  from  the  
construction  it  is  easier  to  see  whether  we  use  
accompanying letter stated how great everyone was doing, how it had been a great
“I”  or  “me”.  
year for their family, and how God had blessed them beyond their wildest imagination. Instructor 7/20/13 9:48 AM
I knew of other things in their life this past year. Deleted: I

The truth be known, one child in the picture had just completed a long stint in
a drug rehab program. One of the other kids had announced to the family earlier in
the year that she was gay. And the Mother had a nervous breakdown amidst the
process of watching her family fall apart. Were they exaggerating or distorting?
That’s not my call. It truly may have really been a blessed year for them. It’s not my
“business” how people present themselves. But I do know that it’s just not kids,
teens, and young men and women accessing the Internet that dabble in a little
distorted projection of image and “cover-up”. Capiche?

The bigger issue for me about teens projecting false or exaggerated images to
others on the Internet is the fact that one day their friends will see that “space” and
there will then be an integrity issue. Perhaps that is a better way to approach your
child about their projections on the Internet; to share your concern about what friends
will think when they realize there is a real fakeness to your child’s presentation.

The question that parents have to be concerned about is whether or not the
image that that their kids is projecting is going to cause some problems or will
damage relationships. I would encourage parents to not correct everything
understanding that teens exaggerate and do want to “look cool,” not only on-line, but
in every aspect of their life. You know, there’s some strike balls thrown that it’s
better to just not take a swing. Learn to let some things go, and not swing.

But there are some things that need to be corrected. And the reason for the
correction is that the presentation a child distributes to his/her friends, in person and
on-line, might move them in a negative and inappropriate direction. Some of their
actions or projections cannot be taken back.

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 Even as I wrote this piece for this booklet, Brad Paisley, a country artist known
by many, sang a song called “I’m Cooler Online,” thus the title of this chapter. In the
video that was shown on CMT (Country Music Television), an actress named Maureen
McCormick, who played Marcia Brady from the Brady Bunch Television series a few
decades ago, had a starring role. The video is funny, captures the concept of being
cooler online, and is a spoof that will make you laugh. Go to www.YouTube.com and
watch it, you’ll understand what I mean. As I watched the video, I recognized her
(we’re the same age) and “Googled” her to find out what she’s doing now, where she
is etc. The first description that came up that I clicked on pictured her nude from 30
years ago. Kids don’t quite understand this lesson. Most times, the Internet is like
Las Vegas; what gets on the Internet, sometimes stays on the Internet. And pictures
on the Internet are like tattoos: you can’t always get rid of something that you
thought was a good idea 10 years ago.

Pictures that girls post on the Internet to “strut their stuff” and be cool, will
remain on the Internet should someone capture the picture and reproduce it on other
sites. Employers will look at potential employee’s pages about themselves and use it
to judge their character. The display of “partying pictures” has a tendency to move
your child into a different party of people. Comments, thoughts, statements, and
ramblings exposed to strangers are not always good things to share. Loose lips, sink
ships.

If you as a parent, youth minister or a good friend, feel like what you see
pictured of a young person you know could be potentially damaging, I would suggest
that you intervene. A young lady who used to be in our residential program called me
and asked if she come visit with my wife and I and stay for a weekend. I told her that
I would get back with her. I got online and looked at her personal website and felt a
little uncomfortable as what I found was sexually aggressive pictures, music depicting
sexual acts, a background screen of half-clad women and the word “Playboy” written
all over the page. The comments from friends were a full of expletives and sexual
innuendo. I felt uncomfortable. And even more important, I felt like this page was
not descriptive of the girl I knew, nor was it going to be beneficial for her in her
interaction with people. I didn’t e-mail her a message letting her know of my difficulty
with how she was projecting herself, I called her. I made a connection, not just a
“communication.”

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 My comments to her were this. “Sweetheart, this is not who you are, and it’s
not what you’re about…is it? It’s okay to look attractive, but not provocative. It’s
okay to share some things, but not all things. It’s okay to show some things, but not
all things. It’s okay to say some things, and damaging to say some others. What do
you think?” She melted a little, and heard what I was saying, which could have never
been communicated in an e-mail , letter, or voice mail. She just said, “I hear you.” I
think she heard what I said, but she understood that I was valuing her.

Teens will try to be cool. They have always tried to be cool. They will always
try to be cool. And social networking on the Internet will always be here. It’s not
going to change. But what might change is the way that we approach this medium
and format of our teens expressing themselves to people. Now, I’ll give you some
rules and suggestions about the Internet and your teen’s use of it later in this booklet.
But its important to not be afraid of all these new opportunities of communication, but
familiarize yourself with the upside and the downside of your child’s involvement on
the Internet. And don’t trust that they won’t fall into some areas of concern. So stay
engaged with your child and keep a weather eye to any changes in the climate of your
child’s attempt to be cooler on line.

Being Porn Again.

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 The positive side of the Internet is that it has opened the world to new
information, new communication, and new ways purchasing items. Sadly, the
negative side of the Internet is the availability of pornography at the click of a button.
The porn industry has become a billion dollar industry and provides many ways for
anyone to find nude and erotic pictures of men and women without much
investigation. The porn industry has been around since the beginning of painting and
photography. The Internet has magnified this industry because of the immediate
access to everyone. In particular, our curious teens that are growing up in a world
where, in the time they’ve spent on this planet, it’s always been readily available. It’s
affecting our teens. And I’m not just talking about a group of guys looking at “porn”
(which has also been around since the beginning of time), but the affects that it has
on a guy’s image of girls and what they expect from those that they interact with.

Your Son

Let me focus on the guys first. Bottom line; if you have a teenage son and
he’s on the Internet that does not block porn sites, he’s already looked at sites that
are inappropriate. I don’t know of a guy that hasn’t. I’m convinced that most guys
would “take a peek” if given the chance. You know why? They’re wired that way.
God has made men to be visual people. And God has put in the heart of every man a
longing to look at the nakedness of the most beautiful of his creation, woman. It’s a
great desire that I applaud and thankful for. I’m happy for those young men that
want to see a naked woman. In the same breath, I would add that I want those
desires that young men experience to be limited to the context of marriage with their
wife. All my comments don’t justify a teen’s actions of searching the web for pictures
of naked women or videos of sex acts. Nor do they give license for a young man to
pursue such curiosities. But it does help one understand why guys search and look.

Instructor 7/20/13 9:56 AM

So the problem is not that there is a desire to look…the problem is the
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availability of porn. Even the best of computer filters, spam guards, and Internet
security systems don’t keep all images from coming to your child when they search
the Internet.

If your son has a computer in his room, I’ll tell you what he’s more than likely
looked at or searched for. You wouldn’t put a Playboy magazine in your son’s room

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and really believe that he won’t ever look at it would you? Want to know my answer
to the question of putting a private computer in your son’s room? Absolutely not! Put
the computer where the screen faces a direction where others can see what he is
looking at (I’ll mention other monitoring devices and procedures later). Perhaps take
it out of the bedroom and put in a family room where accountability is in the form of
the presence of other people. This new way of thinking may bring about changes in
the placement of computers within your home and how you monitor wireless Internet
access.

So what if you do catch your son on the Internet looking at porn? Let me
suggest a few things that I’ve found to be true.

An understanding of your son’s raging hormones, the sexual nature of today’s

culture, and the availability of pornographic material online will cause you think
through whether your child will ever view porn online, and hopefully calm your
response when you find that he has.

Mom, let Dad handle it. They’re wired the same and it’s just one of those
things that I think that Moms don’t understand too well. Dad, let your son know that
it’s inappropriate and it’s got to stop, and if not, they’re going to lose the computer if
they can’t be responsible and honor your request. Of course your son is going to ask
you if you ever looked at any Playboy when you were his age. You can tell him that
you did, but it doesn’t make it right and it isn’t any more right now. Matter of fact,
because it was harder to “get” in the past, there were much less issues with porn
“back then.” The greater problem now is that porn is so readily acceptable, so
explicit, and in unlimited abundance. The porn issue today does indeed pose a greater
threat of addiction, dependency, and influence that it has in the past. Ask any man.
Reuters (10/18/06) reported that Internet addiction has now become a quantifiable
problem affecting one in eight U.S. adults finds a Stanford University of Medicine
study.

Teens are curious, aren’t they? And many times their experimentations are
nothing more than temporary musings. Usually their experimentations, as with most
things, will pass. Finding a son looking at the porn on the Internet is not the end of
the world, nor is it the end of their innocence. So please don’t treat it as such. Just

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treat the first-time offenses as that; just first-time offenses. I’ve seen too many
young people dead set on violating their parent’s directives, not because don’t agree
with their parent’s observations and beliefs, but because of the way the parents
handle their mole hill and turn it into a mountain.

If your son continues his actions and those actions move quickly into a habit,
further action on the parents must be taken. Get rid of the computer. Poke his eyes
our (just kidding). Take something else away; the car, the insurance to the car; take
one wheel and tire; take away a cell phone. Do something. Don’t just sit back and
allow your child to dive headfirst into a very deep “shallow place” on the Internet. Not
all people who look at porn are addicted; but those who are, started with a “peek”.

Your Daughter

Now, let me address the girls and the affect that the Internet is having on
them. They’re not usually on sites looking at pictures of nude women, but the fact
that the male species views these pics creates a harder world for teen girls to live.

Today’s teen girls live in a world of sexual innuendo and an atmosphere

seduction where presentation is important and their definition of modesty has
changed. It’s changed not so much because of the lack of values taught by parents,
but because of the overwhelming amount of exposure given to various and different
lifestyles. The Internet, coupled with television and movies, has overwhelmed girls
with images and suggestions that what once was taboo, is now acceptable. Quite
honestly, we’ve all been affected by this.

Girls Gone Wild videos gives new definition to what is acceptable not
acceptable on the beach and at parties. Flashing breasts at Mardi Gras to say “throw
me something mister” to krewes of men has moved from unacceptable to normal.
Victoria’s Secret, where there are no secrets, displays things that used to never be
displayed. The chatter among teens about menstrual cycles, body parts, erectile
dysfunction and the newest type of tampons is now acceptable discussion, when once
socially unacceptable. It’s changed. And it’s not because of the Internet. It’s just
that the Internet is a part of this way of exposing new ideas, thoughts, images, and
lifestyles. The Internet has brought a new medium of communication to bear on the

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life of our kids, exposing them to the once unexposed. And our daughters and
granddaughters get stuck in the middle of trying to live in a way that parents have
Instructor 7/20/13 10:01 AM
taught and those ways that are acceptable in social settings. It’s a tough spot to be
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in.

Girls are given messages throughout the electronic and digital world that if you
don’t present yourself as being sexy in some way, then you won’t get noticed. It’s a
culture of fear that is fueled by messages of permission that say that it is okay to
present yourself in a way that might be against what our young ladies have been
taught. I don’t think parents quite understand the tremendous amount of pressure
that this emphasis causes a child. Girls that I have been associated with are torn
between doing what is socially acceptable and what is required by their families and
church. Unless people can sit down and discuss this issue, more times than not, the
social pressure will win out. Thus girls that have grown up in the church and have
great parents then present themselves in ways that are not in line with the values
they have learned, because of their deep longing to be noticed, to be valued, and to
Instructor 7/20/13 10:01 AM
socially “fit.” We see it when we look at their pictures on their social networking
Deleted: because of
pages.

I’m amazed how I see some girls present themselves on the Internet social
network. I’m equally amazed at how girls talk to one another on the Internet. I
would call it “digital courage”. Kids get on line and say things that they would never
say face-to-face with one another. As a result, the presentation online fuels feuds in
relationships, misinterpretations by guys, and false expectations to those around
them. This process of interaction keeps young girls operating on the level of the
pettiness of 7th grade. And that’s okay if you’re in the 7th grade. It’s not if you’re
older.

Porn does affect girls. But it doesn’t affect them because they look at it. Most
girls that I have talked with it know that guys look at porn sites on the Internet, but
don’t look themselves. I always thought that the images that they saw would
encourage them to behave in the same way, but laws just don’t permit that. How
porn affects our girls is that it fuels young men around them that begin to see them as
those they have seen on porn sites. Couple that image with a teen girl’s desire to
want to get noticed and have people pay attention to her, and I think you have the

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beginnings of a perfect storm. Expectations from guys coupled with longings to “be
noticed” usually brings about a sense of reality that can only be found through
experience. Guys learn that a vast majority of girls are not like that which they view
through Internet porn, and girls learn that the end result of their sexual presentation
when people do pay attention is not always what is expected.

How Private Should Your Teen’s Internet Activity Be?

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 I don’t have to spin tales about how things in the modern world are far
different from when we were teenagers; we already know they are. But what some
parents don’t know is how to effectively balance their teen’s privacy and protection.
Do you have a tough time balancing “need to know” with providing your teen “some
private space?”

For instance, some parents feel unease, as if they are being sneaky or are in
violation of their child’s trust, to investigate their child’s activities on the Internet. As
Instructor 7/20/13 10:03 AM
one who daily sees the outcome of some of these cultural influences, let me set your
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mind at ease about monitoring your teen’s activities, on or off the Internet.
Instructor 7/20/13 10:03 AM
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First and foremost, I believe that a child needs and deserves privacy, but he
also needs to know that you as a parent will go to no end to find out what he’s into if
it begins affecting his attitudes and behaviors. After all, what he’s into, or the hold an
outsider may have on your teen through the Internet, may ultimately harm both him
Instructor 7/20/13 10:03 AM
and your family. He may be too embarrassed to reveal it, or he could actually be
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afraid or feel threatened.

Follow your instincts. If you feel there is something wrong, there probably is. If
you sense there are secrets abounding around you, there probably are. If something
tells you your child is hiding something, you’re probably right. But when it comes to
the Internet, more care must be taken even if there is no outright cause for concern.
Instructor 7/20/13 10:04 AM
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Get a Handle on the Internet…Even if Your Teen Shows No Signs of Trouble

The Internet can pose some dangers for teens. And while all rules for use of
the Internet in your home must be adapted to the age of your child and their
responsibility level. Here are some tips for parents to get the Internet under control:
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1. Make it a home policy that parents must know all electronic passwords. This gives
access if needed. Have access to their social networking account for your monthly
monitoring (or don’t allow them on any network site if they can’t be responsible).
Add yourself to their “friend” list to be able to roam around on their site. Make their
profile private, so that only approved “friends” can communicate with them. A little

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monitoring goes a long way. If they refuse, disconnect or don’t pay for their Internet
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access.
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2. Put a high-quality Internet screening/blocking software on the computer. Maintain
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appropriate blocking levels on the browser software (blocking access to certain web
content, links or photos) and let the software do its work.

3. Take the computer out of the bedroom and put it out in an open area with the
monitor visible from various angles. Don’t allow access unless you are in the room.
After all, would you let just anyone, even a registered sex offender, into your house to
talk to your teen? Of course not. That portal to the outside world needs monitoring.

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4. Periodically view their Internet “browser history” and follow the trail. You’ll be
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amazed. Software is available to secretly record their every move, if needed,
especially if you think they are accessing the internet overnight or when you aren’t
home.

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5. If you feel there is a good reason to do so, read their email. And find out whom it
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is they are chatting with. Watch where they go to “chat”.

6. Get on their social networking home page and look around. Look at their friends.
See what they’re saying. Look at what is being said to them. Go visit their friend’s
pages. Listen to their music. Read their blogs. Read their description of themselves.
You might just find out something about your child that would be a perfect intro into
some great conversations.

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7. If you find something inappropriate; talk to your child. Don’t assume the worst. All
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kids and teens are curious. Don’t mistake a one-time look as a life-long habit. Be
quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger. You’ll be amazed how your child will
respond when you speak with a gentle spirit, not one of condemnation.

This is not a license to be over-controlling to the point where it pushes your

child away. I’m encouraging you to be proactive and not have to face the regrets that
come with “not knowing.”

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 I often say to teens, “Violation of my policy means violation of your privacy.” If
they violate my set house rules, including internet usage rules, it should also change
their expectation of privacy. If they are dishonest and lie to me, I will seek, search,
and look in areas I don’t normally look in order to find answers. If they are deceptive,
I will investigate. If they lie, I will pry. If they hide something, I will seek relevant
information. Why? Because, as a parent, I am concerned about the life of my child,
and I am responsible maintaining a sound and safe environment in the home until my
child becomes an adult.

If your children are young, implement rules now to help keep you “in the
know.” As your kids approach the teen years, update or add some new rules. Unless
something in your teen’s life is out of control or there has been a recent change in the
behavior, mood, or school grades, then a parent should keep in the know by just
“looking around” and keeping an eye on things.

Tell Them You Are Watching

All parents must “keep a vigilant eye” on teenagers today. Call it an “alert
mom or dad,” or an “involved parent,” if you will. Be a parent who says, “I will
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continue to be someone who has your back, even when you don’t realize the serious
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nature of what you’re getting in to.” Let your teens know it is your job as a parent to
keep your eyes wide open to look for anything going wrong. Not so you can “catch
them doing wrong,” but so that you can help them from falling into that trap.

If things are really spinning out of control, then it is time to have a “change of
rules” discussion with your child. This means you’ll be even more vigilant about
monitoring. The teen’s response will be,”YOU JUST DON’T TRUST ME!” And your
response can be, ”It’s not that I don’t trust you…It’s that I hope to trust you more.”
This statement tells your child, “I don’t want to control you, I want to be able to trust
you, so use this opportunity to show me that I can trust you more than I ever have.”

I believe in privacy. I believe in trust. But I also believe in “being

there” to be the parent God has called me to be. If I see anything that concerns
me, then it must be brought out into the open, shared, and discussed. I tell kids that I
sleep with one eye open. I’m always looking for something that has the potential to

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destroy a relationship with them. I tell them that I’m looking out for them because I
don’t want any unwelcome thing to intrude into their life.

Making a Connection with your Teens

Many parents spend way too much time correcting, and too little time
connecting. As a parent, you can choose to spend all your time looking for ways to
correct your teen, and you’ll quickly find out that you just won’t have any extra time
to give them what they really want. I see kids all the time who can’t stand to be in
the presence of their parents because all their parents do is tell them how they are
wrong, why they should have done something another way, or point out every flaw,

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mistake, or inappropriate action shown. You might say, “Well, all my child is doing is
wrong…..I can’t ignore it!” I’m not asking you to ignore it. But I am asking you to
offer something more to your child than just being another “back seat driver” in their
life. No wonder some teens can’t wait to get away from home and find some rest
from the nagging, correcting, and constant running of “the faucet.”

Pledge to dive into you teen’s life with a positive comment for every negative
correction. Quit talking so much and look for new ways to listen. Ask questions
rather than sharing your opinion. See what they want rather than pushing what you
want. Don’t give your opinion unless asked. And quit being a know-it-all for your
arrogance is not exactly a welcome mat for relationships.

There was a young man on our staff a few years ago that always came across
like he knew it all. Really. If there were a discussion somewhere on our hundred
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acres, he’d find a way to enter that conversation and dominate it with his perspective,
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opinions, and musings about everything. A “know it all” that no one cared to be
around. He was really a quite personable guy….when his mouth was shut. His actions
drove me away. I would see him coming and I would act like I’m busy and couldn’t
talk. I did so because he made me feel like I was being used. He made me feel like
he didn’t need me. He made me feel like nothing I said was good enough. He made
me feel like I was just a “thing” to express his opinions to. All the time he would talk
to me, I kept thinking about how I would like to go do something fun like having tooth
pulled or something.

You know that kinds of person I’m talking about.

Teens don’t want a know-it-all in their life. They want people who would desire
to get to know them, to value them, and desire to listen to them.

Many might ask, why would I put this chapter at the end of this booklet on
your teen and the Internet? It is because the world of the Internet is very impersonal.
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And because it is dominating communication, along with other new widgets and
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gadgets that connect people with people, teens feel like they’re connecting…and I fear
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that they really aren’t. It just like the person who talks all the time and says nothing.
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 I learned a number of things about communicating with teens many years ago
through my involvement with Young Life as I did “contact work” with teens in the high
schools where I led the weekly meetings. I made contact, so that I could find areas
to connect, so that I could communicate. I’ll break down each one and give some
thoughts.

Contact

The mere fact that we as parents are to make contact with our teens implies
that we are to go to them. I’ve always said that working with teens is a “contact
sport”. One has to go to them, and not wait for them to come to you (isn’t that what
Jesus did?). For there is something about the initial contact that is so important.
When you as a parent or youth worker take the first step in making contact with a
teen, it tells them that they are important, they mean something to you, and they are
well worth spending time with. So many times teens have asked me, “Why are you
wanting to spend time with me?” I always ask them, “Why do you think I want to
spend time with you?” It gets them thinking. I tell them I want to because they are
worth spending time with.

Parents all too often loose contact with their child because of the busyness of
everyone’s schedule. We’re all busy. But we all have 24 hours in which to do what
we need to do. You get to choose how you spend your time. The issue becomes more
about priority. And if your teen is not a priority, then no wonder they are headed
elsewhere for their value and friendships.

There is truly something about acting first and moving toward something that
conveys value. Ask your teen out to breakfast. Ask them to go watch a movie. Let
them teach you how to play video or computer games. Ask if you could just hang out.
Take them on one of your trips. Plan a special trip. Watch T.V. with them, even if you
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don’t like it. Just ask! You don’t have the time with your teen because you don’t ask
Comment [3]: Usually  television  is  just  TV.  
for it. Even though they won’t say it at times, they do want to spend time with you.
So work diligently to create that atmosphere of relationships where communication
can happen.

Communication

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 Once you’ve made contact and the engine begins to turn, start communicating.
But don’t communicate the way that you think would be best. Communicate in a way
that is best for your child and a way that your child will hear your heart. This may
mean that you have to shift your style of talking, your style of listening, and your tone
of your voice. The key word to remember is “inviting”. Let your child know that you
are there for them, inviting them to enter into your world, in hopes that they would
invite you into theirs.

Turn off your cell phone. Ask that they not text while you’re sitting there. Go
to a quiet place that is conducive to talking.

When you share your hurts, they’ll share theirs. When you ask them
questions, they’ll start to ask you questions. When you share your struggles and
thoughts, they might just share theirs. When you tell them of your hopes and
dreams, they might just tell you what their plans are. When you show that they are a
priority, they might make you a priority. When you admit your wrongdoings, they
could admit theirs. And when you ask their forgiveness, they just might as for yours.
Remember the Scripture “Don’t grow weary in doing good, for in due time, you will
reap if you surely sow” (I bought my son’s dinners out for over 20 years until he
finally bought mine).

Now you’re communicating.

Connecting

You’ll know when this happens. It is a feeling in your heart where you feel a
connection that might be new, rekindled, or restored. It never happens because of
the Internet, IM’ing, texting and all the other “stuff”. It happens in relationships that
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are intentional and don’t rely on digital devices to build relationships.
Comment [4]: Here  you  have  capitalized  
“Internet.”  Please  see  capitalization  changes  
of  internet  above.    
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