Do your emotions

control you? How to

handle your feelings.

David Leasure
Nov 15, 2017 · 10 min read

Have you ever been surprised by an

emotional reaction you didn’t expect? Did
it interfere with what you wanted to
accomplish? Don’t let your emotions
control you. You cannot stop them, but
you can choose from several strategies to
reduce their impact, once you understand
what’s happening.

This post addresses everyday emotional

situations but is not intended to help with
severe or crisis conditions and is not a
substitute for medical or psychological
treatment. Please, if you have an immediate
or serious psychological condition, seek help
from a trained professional.

Do your emotions control

you?
One can be the master of what one does,
but never of what one feels. ― Gustave
Flaubert

Life is 10% what happens to you and 90%

how you react to it. — Charles R. Swindoll

You cannot master your feelings, but you

can learn to regulate them.

You can think of all the activity going on in

your brain as being in one of four
cognitive states1:

1. A State of Fear resulting in the 4F

behaviors of Ight, Jight, freeze, or
fawn reactions. True fear creates a
non-thinking reaction that takes over
our brain. The physiological reaction
is elevated heart rate & blood
pressure, adrenaline release, and
rapid breathing. You may experience
tunnel vision, temperature changes,
and trembling. Your thinking will be
disrupted.

2. The Emotional State not quite as

severe as fear, but still strongly felt.
You may appear calm, not in a 4F
behavior, but still be feeling intense
emotions such as love, hate, revulsion,
embarrassment, joy, futility, or
negativity. The emotional state can be
overtaken by the raw fear state. A run-
away emotional state takes over the
rational state.

3. The Rational State is achieved when

thought and thinking are involved
without much emotional disquiet.

4. The State of Being Wise is achieved

when we’re able to think rationally,
informed, but not taken over by, our
emotions and fears. Mindfulness, that
ability to observe the many
simultaneous thoughts and feelings,
provides the skill to observe, and let’s
our higher brain determine the best
response.

The state of being wise is the desired

state as it allows us to feel strongly
while not sacri=cing our rationality.

As with any advice, your situation is

unique and you must experiment and
adapt the methods here to meet your
needs.

Timeline of Emotional
Regulation
Your emotional response goes through
multiple stages. Whether your emotions
run-away with you or you have a wise-
mind response, depends on your
preparation. As much as possible, you will
want to prepare for the response ahead of
the situation, as strong emotions are more
likely to spiral out of control the later you
intervene.

1. Well-before an emotional situation do

all the following

2. Build Your Emotional Resiliency.

3. Practice Physical and Mental Recovery

Skills.

4. Strengthen your mindfulness and

cognitive distancing.

5. Reduce the frequency or avoid speciIc

emotional situations altogether.

6. Identify your most common and

di^cult situations you cannot avoid,
and for each one, develop and practice
wise responses.

7. Situation Begins: an emotional

situation begins, triggered by a real,
remembered or imagined situation.
Your body may begin to respond
without your awareness. Mindfulness
enhances awareness earlier and helps
reduce the physical response.
Reduction of vulnerabilities and/or a
positively charged emotional state will
slow or avoid the reaction.

8. Attention: your attention is focused

towards the situation. Your emotions
may get out of hand faster than you
can respond with your wise mind. You
can retool existing emotional reactions
to respond more productively through
practice, including more quickly
getting your attention. Physical
recovery techniques will help you de-
escalate from adrenaline or other
physical responses.

9. Appraisal: you evaluate and interpret

the emotional situation. Pre-planning
scenario allows you to classify your
emotional situation. Once classiIed, a
pre-planned solution is more quickly
implemented.

10. Response: you respond with either the

emotional mind or the wise mind,
depending on your preparation. The
emotional mind does not regulate
your response systems (mental,
behavioral, physiological, emotional).
Leave the situation and practice
physical recovery. Mindfulness creates
awareness and emotional distance as
an observer rather than participant,
allowing your wise mind to observe
emotions and think rationally.

In the rest of the article we focus on each

of the strategies in stage 1, above.

Build Your Emotional

Resiliency.
I will be calm. I will be mistress of myself.
― Jane Austen

Vulnerabilities make you less emotionally

resilient. Vulnerabilities and strategies for
reducing them appear in the table
below[2]:

Emotionally run-down.

Accumulate positive emotions. Have

positive thoughts, a^rmations, and
experiences that help balance any harsh
experiences. Avoid anger-causing
situations and learn to recognize anger as
an unproductive emotion.

Lacking con=dence.

Build mastery. Engage in activities that

help you feel competent and egective. This
combats helplessness and hopelessness
and cultivates self-e^cacy.

Physical well being.

Keep your body and mind healthy,

through regular doctor’s visits, diet, and
exercise.Low immunity and vulnerable to
diseases.Make regular visits to the
appropriate health care professionals, get
all immunizations, and avoid getting run-
down. Practice good physical and dental
hygiene.

Anger or Stress.

Don’t go into a new situation with

heightened emotions. Avoid or delay, if
possible. Practice other interventions,
including relaxation or meditation.

Loneliness.

Surround yourself with friends and be

friendly and helpful to others as much as
possible.

Tired or Fatigued.

Plan ahead to get 7–9 hours of sleep per

night. Exercise regularly to have the
emotional egects of physical activity.

Malnourished or hungry.

Eat healthily. Good nutrition helps

physical and mental well-being and
immunity.

Under the eEects of drugs or alcohol.

Avoid mind-altering substances to be your

best. If you can, avoid or delay potential
emotionally-charged situations until
you’re physically better. Seek help from a
reputable organization or counselor.

General worry.

One cause of worry is what Psychologist

Pete Walker (2013) calls “catastrophizing”
or seeing the worst in every situation. Al
Anon has an acronym for this: FEAR. False
Evidence Appearing Real. There are many
causes of worry, and regardless, it may be
helpful to meditate and brush your
worries away as unproductive, delve into
the worry to ask what positive steps you
can take to resolve, and to think of
multiple explanations before reacting. You
can develop this as a mental habit
associated with the wise mind.

Practice Physical and

Mental Recovery Skills.
When angry count to ten before you
speak. If very angry, count to one
hundred. — Thomas JeDerson

Once in the grip of run-away emotions,

you need to break free. The following
strategies can help:

1. Physically remove yourself from a

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situation; use the “taking a bio-break”
An app designed for readers.

(going to the bathroom) as the excuse.

Get started
2. Take ten deep, slow breaths.

3. Practice relaxing with a trigger image;

use the trigger image to relax during a
situation.

4. Disarm a situation using humor. Focus

on the absurdity of the situation or
simply Ind your “funny place.”

Strengthen your
mindfulness
Meditation is not evasion; it is a serene
encounter with reality. — Thích Nhất
Hạnh.

Mindfulness is the increased awareness of

self in the moment-to-moment, without
judgment. Mindfulness is achieved
through meditation practice. Such
practice also sharpens the ability to lightly
brush thoughts out of mind by noting a
feeling but not reacting to it.

The following beneIts are reported in the

research on mindfulness.3

Reduced rumination (worry)

Decreased negative emotions

Reduced stress

Improved working memory

Enhanced focus

Lower emotional reactivity

More cognitive Jexibility

Able to self-observe

Higher relationship satisfaction

I personally started mindfulness for

dealing with back pain, and also gained
may of the beneIts above. Langer (2014)
is a good starter reference.

Reduce the frequency or

avoid speciBc emotional
situations altogether
ConJict often leads to run-away
emotional situations. An abusive spouse or
boss must be avoided. But avoiding all
conJict or all situations does not lead to
long-term growth.

As in the case of an abusive boss, a run-

away emotional situation may cost you
more than you gain, and should be
avoided while you continue to strengthen
your other skills. If you can’t avoid a
situation, Ind ways to reduce the
frequency.

Continue working on the situations that

you can and keep strengthening your
emotional abilities.

Develop a Response for your

most Common, DiEcult,
and Unavoidable Situations
A structured approach helps you
prioritize:

1. Make a list of the situations where

your emotions got the better of you. If
you’re journaling, review the last few
months

2. For each situation rank the severity

from 1–3, or green, yellow, red;

3. For each of the three most severe

situations, identify the trigger or
context in which it occurs

4. Use the techniques listed in this post

to determine what you can do before,
during, and after each situation; avoid
the worst, if you must, but identify
some situations where you will engage
to test your techniques; be a “scientist”
and discover what works for you

5. Ask someone you trust both in terms

of conIdentiality and wisdom to
assess your solutions

6. Roleplay your solutions with your

trusted person and explore digerent
unfoldings until you’re comfortable.

7. Assess each trial for strengths,

opportunities, and insights.

Reappraise Common
Situations Leading to
Strong Emotional Reactions
Remember, it is not enough to be hit or
insulted to be harmed, you must believe
that you are being harmed. If someone
succeeds in provoking you, realize that
your mind is complicit in the provocation.
Which is why it is essential that we not
respond impulsively to impressions; take a
moment before reacting, and you will Ind
it easier to maintain control. — Epictetus,
The Art of Living: The Classical Manual on
Virtue, Happiness and EDectiveness

Five common emotional triggers in people

are captured in the acronym SCARF
(Social Status, Certainty, Autonomy,
Relationships, and Fairness). If you feel a
threat to any one of these, you may Ind
yourself dealing with an emotional
reaction. You may also feel that another
person intentionally threatened one of
your SCARF elements, yet more likely is
an instance of FEAR — False Evidence
Appearing Real. Always be sure of your
facts before acting on any of the following.

1. Social Status. It’s natural to have a

sense of place and belonging within a
social group. Any threat to your status,
such as embarrassment, public
failures, or rivalry, may trigger a mild
to strong emotional reaction. A strong
belief in self, positive friendships, and
a habit of serving others will help
avoid threats to your status.

2. Certainty. A decrease in certainty

threatens many people. Develop your
sense of control and ability to adapt to
any situation. These activities will help
create self-conIdence which helps
cope with uncertainty. Instead of
worrying, you may also plan to take
action based on any likely, possible
outcomes..

3. Autonomy. Any threat to our current

level of autonomy may provoke a
serious reaction. Find work that suits
your need for autonomy. Many jobs
have little or no autonomy built into
them. Make as many choices for
yourself, such as in goal management,
and you’ll build your “autonomy” bank
account. The more you plan ahead,
the more autonomy you’ll have.

4. Relationships. Making friends, being

with loved ones, and being able to
count on people is a survival skill.
Strengthen relationships through
communication and service. Taking
care of others will help them want to
take care of you and build a stronger
relationship that is resilient in the face
of situations. Recognize jealousy or
fears as False-Evidence-Appearing-
Real.

5. Fairness. Many social animals value

fairness, and people are no exception.
Take a longer view on fair. Look
objectively, as many situations may
seem unfair, but may be very digerent
when all facts are known. Assert your
voice if you have good reason to
believe someone’s being unfair, but do
it in a calm, rational manner.

Next Steps
1. Assess and then act to reduce your
vulnerabilities.

2. Keep a log of any situation in which

you feel su^ciently uncomfortable,
what triggers it, and your desired
strategy or response. You want enough
detail to decide which strategy to try.

3. Adapt a strategy from above, try it out,

and record the result.

4. Assess the result for what works and

what needs to change.

5. Keep trying until you are getting the

results you need.

6. Engage a friend or mentor to help you.

If the situation is serious enough,
engage a mental health professional.

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Footnotes
Information for this post came from the
following:

1. Strazar (2009) describes the three

minds of emotional, rational, and
wise. When raw takes over and causes
mayhem, it seems like there’s no mind
at all, but I count it as a fourth “mind”.

2. The HALT list (hungry, angry, lonely,

& tired) of Alcoholics Anonymous
described in Willpower’s Not Enough
(Washton 1990) sparked my interest
in adressing vulnerabilities. I modiIed
the PLEASE list of Dialectic-
Behavioral-Therapy (Strazar 2009) for
non-clinical use and combined it with
HALT.

3. Daphne M. Davis, & Jegrey A. Hayes.

(2012, August). What are the beneIts
of mindfulness? Monitor on
Psychology, 43(7), 64.