1. Myth: Your true love will automatically know what to say and do to make you happy.

Fact: “There is a fear that if you have to ask for something then it doesn’t ‘count’ or it’s not as
meaningful,” said Moral. However, since our partners can’t read our minds, it’s important for each of us
to communicate our needs in a marriage.

Communication also is key when couples experience conflict or disconnection. After a

misunderstanding, many partners will let their “resentment build while quietly hoping that their loved
one will figure out what they did wrong or think it’s so obvious that they shouldn’t have to spell it out.”

Again, couples must learn to express their feelings and be honest. In general, it’s essential to put your
relationship first, because “it doesn’t happen magically. You have to make it a priority and have
vulnerable conversations with each other,” Moral said.

Myth: Differences will ruin your marriage.

Fact: It isn’t the differences in a marriage that potentially destroy it, Miller said. It’s the way we respond
to those differences that’s the key, he said. “We fall in love feeling that we are one with our partner …
We minimize our differences and forget that we are two totally separate people.”

However, after the honeymoon phase ends, and we realize that we’re actually two distinct individuals
with a slew of differences, we freak out. But it’s important to realize that differences are natural and
normal. You don’t have to agree with everything your partner says, Miller said. “But you can find
something worthwhile about where they’re coming from.”

If you can’t, get curious, he said. For instance, you might say, “I don’t get this. Can you help me
understand? Can you take me where you are?”

These kinds of conversations give couples the opportunity to connect and get to know each other, he
said. When we’re falling in love, we’re constantly sharing our stories, he said. Keep doing the same after
you’re married. Because once you can set aside your ideas for the moment to fully listen to your spouse,
in the details of their story, you’ll find something you can relate to, he said.

5. Myth: Happy couples don’t argue.

Fact: According to Moral, each of us enters into marriage with different expectations, needs, fears and
experiences from our families or past relationships. Naturally, “miscommunication is bound to happen.”

In fact, said O’Neal, “a lack of arguing indicates a lack of truthfulness and emotional intimacy.” When
couples don’t argue, they make all kinds of emotional compromises — everything from how they
communicate to how they approach time with their extended families, she said.

This also erodes trust and triggers feelings of contempt, she said. “Each person in the relationship —
children included — will feel the unclear tension, or a sense of ‘walking on eggshells’ in the home but
feel unable or afraid to acknowledge it discuss it.” This makes the marriage and household “feel tenuous
and unstable.”
Healthy couples do argue. But they don’t “explode, hit below the belt, or use arguing as a tool to gain
power in the relationship,” O’Neal said. “The healthiest couples also seek to resolve arguments, are able
adjust to the resolutions, and then can to forgive and move on.”

1.If I marry the “right person” we’ll always FEEL in love.

Our culture has fed us the myth that we all have a perfect “soulmate” out there and if we find him/her,
our passionate feelings will never fade, our disagreements will be rare or nonexistent, we’ll both want to
make love with each other constantly and every day in marriage will have fairy tale bliss. When we wake
up one morning and don’t have those feelings, we start to assume we must have married the wrong
person and need to get out and find our real “soulmate.” The truth is that strong marriages are built on
COMMITMENT not COMPATIBILITY.
2. If my spouse really loves me, he/she will be willing to CHANGE

Some of the most frustrated people on earth are the ones who are in a marriage where they’re trying to
“change” their spouse OR they’re in a marriage where their spouse is trying to change them! It’s
exhausting and unnatural. It reduces the marriage to manipulation instead of love. Yes, both spouses
will certainly have to make selfless adjustments for the marriage to thrive BUT neither should do it at
the expense of losing his or her identity in the process. Love brings out the best in us, but doesn’t
change who we are. Remember, it’s never your job to “fix” or to “change” your spouse. It’s your job to
love you spouse. Love is what truly changes us all.
3. My friends know me, so they are the best place to get marriage ADVICE.

Nearly everyone in your life is going to offer you advice and share their opinions with you. We trust our
friends, so we naturally assume their marriage advice is going to be solid, BUT the best advice is usually
going to come from outside your peer group BECAUSE your peers are dealing with the same stuff you’re
dealing with. You need a mentor; not just a friend. You need to find advice and wisdom from someone
is ahead of you and probably older than you. Find someone with the kind of marriage you hope to have
twenty years from now and ask them for advice.
5. My parents raised me, so my LOYALTY to them should be stronger than my loyalty to my spouse.

We should always honor our parents, but when we do it at the expense of our marriage, we’ve created a
toxic and dysfunctional dynamic. Your first loyalty must always be to your spouse. Practically speaking,
this means you shouldn’t talk disrespectfully about your spouse and you shouldn’t allow anyone in your
family to talk disrespectfully about him/her either.
9. Our KIDS, need us so they should always come before our marriage.

If you’re a parent, I’m sure you’d be willing to give your life for your kids. Parenthood takes that kind of
selfless concern for our kids, BUT I’ve seen too many couples be “marriage martyrs” by sacrificing their
marriage on the altar of parenthood. The parents wrongly assume that total devotion to the kids
requires putting the marriage on autopilot. Those parents wake up one day to realize they have an
“empty nest” AND an empty marriage! One of the greatest gifts you can give your children is the
security that comes from seeing their parents in a loving, committed marriage. Have the kind of
marriage that makes you kids actually want to get married someday!

10. If things aren’t working out in my marriage, I would probably be better off with SOMEONE ELSE.

When you face struggles, don’t look for an exit strategy. Don’t fantasize about a life with someone else.
Work through your challenges together and you’ll come out stronger on the other side. Remember that
a “perfect marriage” is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other!

Myth #1 – Married People Know What They’re Doing

In my single days, I’d go to a wedding and think, “Wow, there’s two people who have it all figured it
out.”

Then I got married and realized pretty quickly that I didn’t have a clue.

For a while, marriage will feel like you’re playing “House”.

There’s no textbook for husband and wife, no matter what new bestselling book tries to convince you
otherwise.

Marriage doesn’t just define you, you also define it.

If it feels like you’re playing House, it’s because there should be healthy amounts of exploration,
creativity, and unknowns in marriage. That’s normal.

You grow into growing up as your roots grow deeper together.

Marriage doesn’t happen at your wedding. Marriage develops slowly during the thousands of days
thereafter.

Anyone can have a great wedding. It takes commitment, character, faithfulness, and humility to make a
great marriage.
 MYTH: The Loneliness Myth that marriage will end your loneliness.

 REALITY: Many married people are still very lonely.

 MYTH: The Fulfillment Fallacy which makes you believe that being married makes you complete
human beings.

 REALITY: A couple complements one another, not completes one another. (Sorry, Jerry
MaGuire!)

 MYTH: Marriage is for everyone.

 REALITY: There are a lot of unmarried people who are extremely happy.

 MYTH: The Monogamy Myth makes you believe that you are the only couple who is dealing with
infidelity or that it only happens to bad or weak people.

 REALITY: Infidelity happens to many couples.

 MYTH: Romance will always be alive in a good marriage.

 REALITY: Nearly all relationships experience peaks and valleys. The everyday problems and
challenges of married life can often cloud over romantic feelings. This is when making the
decision to love is important.

 MYTH: Marriage makes people happy.

 REALITY: You can't expect your spouse to be your one source of happiness. Your personal
happiness must come from within yourself. Marriage can complement your own individual
happiness but it can't be the primary source.

 MYTH: You won't have major problems if you truly love one another.

 REALITY: A good marriage doesn't just happen. It takes nurturing, openness, and commitment
and lots of communication.
  MYTH: My spouse should know my needs without my saying anything.

 REALITY: Just because you're married doesn't mean you can read minds. You still have to tell
your spouses what your needs are.

 MYTH: Conflict means a lack of love.

 REALITY: Conflict happens in every marriage. Fighting fair and for the relationship, and not just
to "win" is healthy in a marriage.

Mitos: Punya anak bakal mendekatkan kamu dan pasangan

Fakta: Memiliki anak-anak memang bisa memperdalam pemahaman "bekerja sama" dengan pasangan.
Eits, tapi sebenarnya anak juga bisa membuat "gempa" yang membuat ketegangan dalam hubungan.
Hah kok bisa? Misalnya, setelah bayi lahir, bisa saja suami terlalu sibuk bekerja atau sebaliknya, sehingga
pasangan harus menghadapi tantangan perdana jadi orang tua sendirian.

3. MARRIAGE UNREALISTIC EXPECTATION

 “Love means never having to say you’re sorry”.

 “You shouldn’t have to work at marriage.”

 “Personal happiness is more important than staying in a ‘love-less’ marriage.”

 “Arguing always destroys a relationship. You should never argue in a marriage.”

 “All problems can be solved in a marriage.”

 “Your partner should always ‘get you’. You should be able to finish each other’s
sentences. Your partner is your soul-mate.”

UNREALISTIC EXAMPLES OF EXPECTATIONS

• Expect your partner to be to make you happy all the time.

• Expect your partner to rescue you from a boring life.

• Expect that everything will fall in place after the honeymoon.

• Expect him/her to be the same person in the marriage or expect that he/she will change his
habits and ways after the marriage.
• Expect him/her will know what you need without having to say anything and will meet your
needs emotionally.

• Expect your spouse will make up for all the people who did not love you, and was not there for
me and understand you like no other.

• Expect to look into each other’s eyes and make love all the time.

• Expect him/her to always agree with every decision, input and view, likes and dislikes, and with
everything you want and the way you think it should be done.

• Expect that there will be no conflicts or disagreements and always get along with each other.

• Expect that you should not have to discuss anything or talk through things

• Expect your life not to change. I can still go on, live and do the things I did as a single adult- same
hobbies and interests. My partner will not mine.

MARRIAGE MYTHS

After looking at your Couple Checkup results on Marriage Expectations and hearing the

teaching on the DVD concerning the “Five Faulty Myths of Marriage,” which myth(s)

have you fallen for the most?

Myth No.1: Marriage will help improve our relationship or will motivate

my fiancé(e) to change.

Myth No.2: Marriage will make me feel complete.

Myth No.3: Perfect marriages happen for perfect people.

Myth No.4: Happily married couples never have serious problems.

Myth No.5: Happy marriages are filled with romantic love and unwavering trust.