DELHI BIRYANI QUEST

a play in two acts by Maximillian Gill

©BY MAXIMILLIAN GILL. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

 The Characters

Priya thirties, female, Indian-

American, no accent

Jeremy thirties, male, Priya’s

American fiancé

Manoj thirties, male, Indian-

American, no accent, Priya’s
brother

Susan thirties, female, Manoj’s

American wife

Father fifties, male, Indian with an

accent, Priya and Manoj’s
father

Mother fifties, female, Indian with

an accent, Priya and Manoj’s
mother

SETTING: Act 1: New York, Act 2: New Delhi.

TIME: Present day.

 1

ACT ONE

Scene 1.

A bistro. PRIYA and JEREMY

are seated at a table looking
at menus. Jeremy looks for
the waiter.

JEREMY
Is he bringing bread?

PRIYA
If you order it.

JEREMY
(looking at the menu)
All they have is bruschetta. Tomato on toast for nine
dollars.

PRIYA
It’s a nice place.

JEREMY
I’m not used to joints like this.

PRIYA
Let’s get used to it.

JEREMY
Not if I can’t get bread.

PRIYA
We’re stable. We can do this kind of thing.

JEREMY
You want to talk stable?

PRIYA
Never mind.

JEREMY
You know what I think is stable, Priya?

Priya puts her head deep in

the menu.
 2

PRIYA
Appetizers.

JEREMY
A ring on your finger. That’s stability.

PRIYA
Not the marriage thing again.

JEREMY
Yeah, that thing.

PRIYA
My parents got married. I don’t do what my parents did.

JEREMY
They probably want you with an Indian guy anyway.

PRIYA
They’ll take what they can get.

JEREMY
Way to make a guy feel special.

PRIYA
Just order something.

JEREMY
I bet you the plates are small.

Priya’s phone BEEPS.

PRIYA
Who’s texting me now?

She checks the phone.

PRIYA
It’s my asshole brother.

She reads the text while he

peruses the menu.

JEREMY
Anything with meat will be like three bites.

PRIYA
 3

Fuck him!

JEREMY
What’s wrong?

PRIYA
Manoj is being honored by some major Indian magazine.

JEREMY
Cool.

PRIYA
For his entrepreneurial achievements or some bullshit.

JEREMY
Your blood sugar’s low.

PRIYA
He tells me these things like I’m supposed to care.

JEREMY
(signaling)
Waiter.

PRIYA
He does it just to piss me off.

JEREMY
Yeah, I’m sure that’s why.

Jeremy gestures again for the

waiter. Priya waves the
waiter off.

PRIYA
No, we have to talk about this.

JEREMY
Over appetizers.

PRIYA
He always does amazing stuff and rubs it in my face.

JEREMY
He’s sharing good news with his sister.

PRIYA
 4

I love your innocent nature, Jeremy, except for right now.

JEREMY
He seems like a good guy.

PRIYA
Since I was a kid he’s always been outdoing me, making sure
he’s the favorite.

JEREMY
I thought you don’t care what your parents think?

PRIYA
That’s just a pose.

JEREMY
You’re old enough to get over it.

PRIYA
They’re holding a reception for him at some top hotel. You
can just imagine it.

JEREMY
I don’t want to.

PRIYA
He and that sleaze he married are going to get all dressed
up.

MANOJ and SUSAN enter, as

imagined by Priya. Characters
in these imagined sequences
should be played in an over-
exaggerated manner. MUSIC
comes on and they start
dancing as if at the
reception.

PRIYA
She can dance. The bitch.

JEREMY
How dare she.

SUSAN
Manoj, you just can’t stop inspiring me, can you?
 5

PRIYA
You hear how she gushes over him?

JEREMY
I wouldn’t know what that’s like.

SUSAN
India loves you.

MANOJ
I’ve always known it. But the validation is truly
fulfilling.

JEREMY
They’ve got groove.

Jeremy starts clapping along

to the music. Priya grabs his
hands and forces him to stop.

PRIYA
Shh, listen to this.

Music stops. Manoj and Susan

stop dancing.

SUSAN
Such resplendent surroundings. Most people could never get
in here.

MANOJ
Especially not my sister Priya.

SUSAN
And the food is a gourmand’s delight.

MANOJ
They’re probably in some horrible greasy diner eating bad
American food.

Both laugh.

JEREMY
He’s wrong. We’re in a nice place and we’re not even
eating.
 6

Manoj and Susan exit in an

ecstatic mood.

JEREMY
You need to get over it. And we need to order.

He starts pointing out items

on her menu.

JEREMY
I found some things I can pronounce so I don’t look like an
idiot.

PRIYA
I can’t believe that Manoj.

JEREMY
So he got some award or whatever. What did he do that’s so
big?

PRIYA
Started his own software company, just like everybody else.
He’s just better with self-promotion.

Jeremy puts down the menu

suddenly.

JEREMY
A software company?

PRIYA
Something like that.

JEREMY
You couldn’t tell me sooner?

PRIYA
He’s a tech guy like every other Indian male. You want a
cliché, just look at Manoj.

JEREMY
You know I want a new job.

PRIYA
You wouldn’t want to work with him.

JEREMY
 7

I can decide for myself.

PRIYA
I won’t let you work for him.

JEREMY
But this could be a major break for me.

PRIYA
You ready to order or what?

JEREMY
I’m stagnating at my job.

PRIYA
I have no pull with my brother.

Priya gestures for waiter.

JEREMY
We need to talk about this later.

Priya’s phone BEEPS. She

reads the text.

JEREMY
He’s coming over. We’re ordering.

PRIYA
Damn it!

JEREMY
What now?

PRIYA
(to invisible waiter)
A couple of minutes.

Jeremy tries to stop waiter

but it is too late.

PRIYA
It’s my mother.
(reading)
“Wonderful news from Manoj.” Three smiley faces. How did
she figure out emojis?
 8

JEREMY
So she’s happy.

PRIYA
He wins again.

JEREMY
It doesn’t need to be a competition.

PRIYA
It is one. Always.

JEREMY
So let him win.

PRIYA
I can just picture my parents now.

FATHER and MOTHER enter.

JEREMY
Please don’t.

MOTHER
I could not be prouder of Manoj.

FATHER
Do not suggest that you are prouder than I am.

JEREMY
Your parents don’t talk like that.

MOTHER
All of India has honored him. I wrote a text to Priya.

FATHER
She is very lucky she can share in her brother’s
achievements. Sadly, she has none of her own.

MOTHER
She’s just a teacher. Just think, a teacher.

FATHER
Why would we come here all the way from India just to raise
a teacher?

MOTHER
 9

We have no daughter.

Mother starts to weep. Father

comforts her. They exit.

JEREMY
An Indian magazine? What’s the big deal?

PRIYA
So India doesn’t matter? Only a billion people live there.

JEREMY
You’re always dissing India.

PRIYA
I can. I’m Indian.

JEREMY
You were born here. Nothing about you is Indian.

PRIYA
That’s the problem.

JEREMY
And?

During the following, Jeremy

discreetly calls over the
waiter and starts pointing
out items on the menu.

PRIYA
It’s a big deal to my parents. They’re immigrants. When
“Slumdog Millionaire” won the Oscar they put the flag of
India in their window for a week. They still feel tied to
the home country. And Manoj keeps proving he is too. What
am I? I’m not connected. I’m not Indian. Not really.
(noticing him ordering)
Wait, what are you doing?

JEREMY
Ordering dinner.

PRIYA
Why are we eating this fusion-y whatever shit? We should be
eating Indian food.
 10

She waves off the waiter.

Jeremy watches him leave,
disheartened. Priya stands
up, prompting Jeremy to
follow.

JEREMY
But we were so close.

PRIYA
We’re going to the Indian neighborhood, where Indians eat
Indian food.

JEREMY
But you always say it’s dirty and crowded over there.

PRIYA
Why don’t you repeat the positive things I say about
Indians?

JEREMY
You never do.

Priya walks. Jeremy follows.

PRIYA
I’m tired of being the second child. I back down and let
Manoj win. Not anymore.

He struggles to keep up as
she walks around the stage.

JEREMY
Would you slow down?

PRIYA
Damn Manoj did everything perfectly. He got the right
degree and became a perfect Indian son.

JEREMY
You’re pretty perfect yourself.

PRIYA
That’s what you think, but you don’t count.

JEREMY
Thanks.
 11

PRIYA
I’m saying I already won you over. My parents are another
issue.

JEREMY
You can’t please them.

PRIYA
There’s only one thing Manoj didn’t get right. He didn’t
get married in India like my mother wanted.

Priya stops. Manoj runs into

her.

PRIYA
Wait, that’s it.

JEREMY
What?

PRIYA
What if I got married in India?

JEREMY
To who?

PRIYA
To you, idiot.

JEREMY
But we’re not even engaged.

PRIYA
You can change that.

JEREMY
This is really, really sudden.

PRIYA
I have one chance to win my parents over, something I can
finally have over Manoj.

JEREMY
That’s a great reason to make a lifetime, legally binding
commitment.
 12

PRIYA
You said you wanted to.

JEREMY
Not like this.

PRIYA
You got me in the right mood. Will you man up or what?

JEREMY
You’re serious.

PRIYA
Does it look like I’m messing around?

Jeremy gets on bended knee

before her. He bows his head
and delivers the following
proposal sincerely, during
which she distractedly checks
her phone.

JEREMY
Priya, I’ve never met a woman quite like you. You challenge
me, you inspire me, usually you embarrass me, but I can get
over it. Yes, I know I shouldn’t dwell, but I didn’t have
time to write this in advance. In short, would you, my
darling, my sweetheart, consent to be my wife?

PRIYA
We’re good, I’ll marry you.

He goes in for a kiss but she

is already walking away.

PRIYA
Let’s move.

JEREMY
I thought we were going to Little India?

PRIYA
We need to get home and strategize.

JEREMY
Food?
 13

PRIYA
Take-out. I just got another text from my mom. They want
everyone over to celebrate Manoj.

JEREMY
Oh no.

PRIYA
Think about it. We can make our announcement and completely
undercut the celebration.

JEREMY
Can’t you just go alone?

PRIYA
We need to show unity. I know she’ll serve dinner.

JEREMY
I remember when we used to have dinner.

PRIYA
Who’s got time for dinner? Think. We wait until everyone’s
finished eating and they’re all content and vulnerable, and
then we spring the news on them.

He points.

JEREMY
Take-out. Chinese. Right there.

PRIYA
No time. Microwave popcorn.

They exit.

Scene 2.

Dining room of the family

home. Mother and Father
enter. Father sits at table
while Mother runs around
busily.

MOTHER
Get ready. They are almost here.

FATHER
 14

What more must I do?

MOTHER
It is a special day for Manoj.

FATHER
I need to put on a suit every time my son makes you hop
with delight?

MOTHER
Be happy everyone is coming. The children should be used to
visiting us.

FATHER
Let them be less accustomed.

MOTHER
What else will you do when you retire? Write those silly
books?

FATHER
Precisely.

MOTHER
Take more patients. Save more money.

FATHER
Will you ask me the subject of the book I am writing now?

MOTHER
I have no interest.

FATHER
I am tracing the history of biryani in Indian cuisine.

MOTHER
I will check on dinner.

FATHER
Listen to me more and you could learn something.

MOTHER
You could learn something from silence.

DOORBELL rings.

MOTHER
 15

It’s them. At least look less comfortable while you sit.

He shifts his position

slightly. Mother opens door.
Manoj and Susan enter. She
throws her arms around Manoj.

MOTHER
My talented boy.

FATHER
So it begins.

MANOJ
You are too much, mother.

Susan places her hands

together and bows slightly.

SUSAN
Namaste, mummy-ji.

MOTHER
Look at this, Manoj, sometimes she is more Indian than you
are.

FATHER
Sometimes?

Father stands up and shakes

Manoj’s hand.

MANOJ
Hi, papa.

FATHER
Like a conquering hero from the epics of old.

MOTHER
Will you please stop?

MANOJ
When do we eat?

SUSAN
I can’t wait. I’ve been craving your chana masala.
 16

MOTHER
Today lasagna.

SUSAN
Oh.

MANOJ
Lasagna would be delightful, mother. Shall we get to
eating?

SUSAN
Manoj, that’s rude.

MOTHER
My son needs to eat.

FATHER
Our other guests are not here.

MANOJ
You invited Priya.

SUSAN
That explains the lasagna.

MOTHER
We wanted to celebrate together.

MANOJ
I was just thinking of how much you have to cook for
everyone.

FATHER
Think of me and how much I need to socialize.

MOTHER
You four live in the same city and you hardly see each
other.

SUSAN
We’re in different boroughs.

MANOJ
Not by design, naturally.
 17

DOORBELL rings. Mother goes

to the door. Priya and Jeremy
enter.

FATHER
Now the lost time can be made up.

Priya and Jeremy eye Manoj

and Susan awkwardly.

JEREMY
Hey guys.

Manoj shakes Jeremy’s hand

vigorously.

MANOJ
Jeremy, my friend. Such a pleasure.

JEREMY
Yeah, man. Awesome.

Even more awkward greetings

between the others.

FATHER
Family warmth in full bloom.

SUSAN
It’s great you’re both here, but it turns out we’re not
having Indian food.

PRIYA
Really? How disappointing.

MANOJ
You don’t need to be sarcastic.

JEREMY
No, that’s not her sarcastic voice. Trust me.

MOTHER
But I made your favorite lasagna.

PRIYA
No, mom, I love Indian food. Lentils and chickpeas and
curries and all that stuff.
 18

MANOJ
Since when?

PRIYA
Since always.

FATHER
Since always. You hear her? Just as Orwell wrote.

MOTHER
Nobody cares about these writers.

FATHER
Orwell is from India, you know?

MANOJ
Please, papa, you don’t need to tell us about all the
things nobody knows are actually from India.

PRIYA
I’m interested.

MANOJ
You have no idea where this will go.

PRIYA
It’s our heritage.

FATHER
Chess, our numerical system, pajamas, sitdown toilets.
Wait, why would I say that? I will get the complete list.

He starts to exit. Mother

stops him.

PRIYA
No, I want to hear this.

SUSAN
I want to hear it more. And I’m still unhappy about the
lasagna.

PRIYA
I’m even more unhappy.

FATHER
 19

You will both have to agree to be equally disappointed.

SUSAN
Oh, mummy-ji, I saw that new Bollywood movie, “Call Center,
a Love Story.”

MOTHER
Such a happy film.

FATHER
Extravagantly overlong and tiresome.

SUSAN
Priya, have you seen it?

MOTHER
Priya has not even heard of it.

PRIYA
I’m not into movies.

JEREMY
Even I’ve heard of “Call Center, a Love Story.”

Priya flashes Jeremy a nasty

look.

MOTHER
Susie can do the Bollywood dances even.

MANOJ
Demonstrate, Sue, please.

SUSAN
Come on, Manoj, not here.

MOTHER
But it would give me such delight.

SUSAN
I can’t turn down my host. Priya, will you join me? Oh, I’m
sorry, I forgot you’re not into this kind of thing, or even
really coordinated, at all. I guess I’ll just have to take
all the attention for a moment.

She starts to dance. Mother

claps the beat.
 20

PRIYA
(blurting out)
Jeremy and I are getting married.

Susan stops dancing. All look

at Priya.

PRIYA
It’s true.

Mother looks at Jeremy.

JEREMY
But we were going to announce it after dinner.

PRIYA
And we’re getting married in India.

Mother looks at them both,

shocked, then starts to weep
and embraces both of them
warmly. All look at Father.

FATHER
If this is what you want, then it is pleasing news.

MOTHER
A wedding in India is a wonderful idea.

MANOJ
Do you know what you’re getting into? India can be a tough
place.

SUSAN
She’s never been there, right, Priya?

PRIYA
No, but I can’t wait to be among my people.

FATHER
Yes, but do your people necessarily want to be among you?

SUSAN
Of course, Manoj and I try to get out there as much as we
can.
 21

MANOJ
Are you ready for the heat, Jeremy? It’s worse than you can
imagine.

JEREMY
I’ll deal.

MANOJ
Are you sure?

JEREMY
Um, no, probably not.

MOTHER
It is a dream come true for me to have one of my children
married in India. Can we finally visit the Taj Mahal as a
family?

MANOJ
We were always willing. Only Priya resisted.

PRIYA
I’m definitely into that.

FATHER
The father of course is irrelevant in these matters.

MANOJ
I’ve decided something.

FATHER
Please be so kind as to keep it to yourself.

MANOJ
My dear sister is getting married, and I am going to pay
for the costs of the wedding in India.

SUSAN
Manoj, are you sure we can afford this?

MANOJ
The company’s doing well and will only do better. The
important thing is my sister’s happiness.

MOTHER
Priya, what do you say?
 22

PRIYA
Thank you, dear brother, we are honored.

JEREMY
Yes, most definitely.

MOTHER
Manoj, you are again the example for everybody.

PRIYA
But I’m the one getting married. In India.

FATHER
You are the least important one in the situation. You,
Jeremy, even less.

PRIYA
I have another announcement to make.

Everyone looks at Priya,

except for Father, who looks
at Jeremy.

JEREMY
Don’t look at me.

PRIYA
I feel like we’re losing touch with spirituality in our
modern world.
(she looks at Manoj)
Everyone’s more into making money.
(she looks at Susan)
We care more about the movies than real life. So we’re
getting married in a very traditional religious ceremony.

FATHER
I assumed you would want something much less formal.

JEREMY
So did I.

PRIYA
No, the full deal.

SUSAN
She just made that up right now. I can tell.
 23

MOTHER
I would be extremely pleased.

FATHER
In that case, I need to give Priya a father’s blessings.
Alone.

MOTHER
Now?

FATHER
I am composing the blessing inside my head as we are
talking so please nobody interrupt. Priya, come.

He puts his arm around Priya

and starts to walk. All
others exit.

Scene 3.

Back porch of the residence.

Father and Priya stop
walking. She bows before him.

PRIYA
I’m ready to receive your blessing.

He gestures offstage.

FATHER
First, look at the rows of your mother’s flowers.

She looks.

PRIYA
Okay.

FATHER
Any thoughts?

PRIYA
They seem nice.

FATHER
They are marigolds because many grow in India. She is a
sentimentalist, your mother.
 24

PRIYA
I kind of knew that.

FATHER
What else do you notice?

PRIYA
Blessing anytime soon?

FATHER
Do the rows seem misaligned to you?

PRIYA
Like not straight?

FATHER
That is the most common type of misalignment.

PRIYA
They seem fine.

FATHER
How you would you know?

PRIYA
I have eyes?

FATHER
And your eyes are connected with other perceptive skills.
But tell me, how can you tell if something is unaligned if
you do not realize that your sudden attraction to the
spiritual is out of all alignment with everything known?

PRIYA
I thought it would make you happy.

FATHER
I concede no happiness.

PRIYA
Mother’s happy.

FATHER
Yes, but these flowers also fill your mother with
incredible and nonsensical happiness. That pleasure seems
as hollow as your attraction to religion.
 25

PRIYA
I need your blessing.

FATHER
For what purpose?

PRIYA
Or I should get back inside. I’m worried mother is going to
force-feed Jeremy Indian sweets.

FATHER
You want a blessing? Come closer.

PRIYA
She does so.

He blows on her.

PRIYA
That’s it?

FATHER
Do you see any worth in that?

PRIYA
None at all.

FATHER
Any blessing I could bestow upon you would have equal
worth.

PRIYA
I want to connect with something.

FATHER
What is this hypothetical thing?

PRIYA
I don’t know. If it means so much for mom for us all to go
see the Taj Mahal together maybe it will mean something to
me too.

FATHER
Very doubtful.

PRIYA
Why is it so important for her?
 26

FATHER
We went to the Taj Mahal on our honeymoon.

PRIYA
That’s special.

FATHER
As special as it can be when millions of other couples do
it every year.

PRIYA
Okay, dad, I need to get back and check on Jeremy. He’s not
good with sugar rushes.

FATHER
I have a very specific reason for going to India right now.

PRIYA
Yes?

FATHER
I am looking for the restaurant in the oldest part of Delhi
that makes the world’s finest biryani.

PRIYA
That sounds totally worth it.

FATHER
Let me tell you about biryani. Nobody agrees on the history
of the dish.

PRIYA
We’re going inside now.

Both start to exit. Jeremy

enters. Father exits.

PRIYA
I was worried about you.

JEREMY
I need air. I’m really wired on sugar right now.

PRIYA
Relax. I’ll be inside.
 27

Priya exits. Jeremy breathes

heavily. Susan enters. Jeremy
doesn’t see her at first and
jumps.

SUSAN
Easy. Just your future sister-in-law.

JEREMY
Oh, right, that’s how it’s going to work out.

SUSAN
Getting tired of all that celebrating?

JEREMY
Had to escape those sweets.

SUSAN
You should’ve been to our wedding.

JEREMY
Priya didn’t want to expose me to her family just yet. Or
vice versa, I was never sure.

SUSAN
No rescue for you now.

She walks closer to him.

SUSAN
Now that you’re going to be part of the family, we’ll need
to get to know each other better. We have something in
common.

JEREMY
What would that be?

She puts her arm next to his.

He jumps.

SUSAN
Easy.

JEREMY
Sorry, all that sugar made me kind of jumpy.

SUSAN
 28

You see that skin tone? We’re the only two white people in
the family.

JEREMY
Right.
(with forced laughter)
Imagine that.

He backs away from her. She

gets closer.

SUSAN
I think we could help each other out.

He squirms away from her.

SUSAN
What’s wrong?

JEREMY
I just got engaged.

SUSAN
What, you don’t think I was . . .

JEREMY
No, I don’t.

SUSAN
You do.

She laughs.

SUSAN
Seriously?

JEREMY
It’s really that crazy?

SUSAN
You see who I’m married to, don’t you? Like I’d cheat on
him with, well, you.

She laughs again.

JEREMY
No, I didn’t think that at all.
 29

SUSAN
Good.

JEREMY
And now I’m just going to try to break the awkwardness.

SUSAN
Good luck with that.

JEREMY
Yeah, right? We were talking about your husband, Manoj.
Let’s keep doing that and divert the whole conversation.

SUSAN
Good idea.

JEREMY
I’d like to get a job with his company. I just don’t want
Priya to know and maybe you could put in a word for me, let
him know I’m interested?

SUSAN
That’s possible. But I need something from you too.

JEREMY
Not the thing that I thought you were asking about, right?

SUSAN
Not even close. No, I want to know what Priya is up to.

JEREMY
Nothing. Believe me.

SUSAN
I’m not convinced.

JEREMY
What do you care?

SUSAN
You know what I had to put up with to get in good with this
family? This is Manoj’s mother the first time we met.

Mother enters.

MOTHER
 30

You are Manoj’s girlfriend, ah? If I know this word, you

are only temporary, yes? Like a prostitute?

SUSAN
And then a year later.

MOTHER
Susan, you are charming, and very pretty. I would feel
about you like my very own daughter if only you were
Indian. But as my mother said, a monkey may think it is a
tiger but it is still a chattering monkey.

SUSAN
And then a year after that.

MOTHER
You are Manoj’s fiancée now? Thank you for informing. I am
now informing you that I feel several years closer to a
painful death.

Mother exits.

JEREMY
Rough.

SUSAN
The only thing that worked for me was Priya being so bad at
being Indian. And now she’s stepping up and making her
mother happy.

JEREMY
So that’s a bad thing?

SUSAN
I’m the favorite daughter in this family. What’s her game
plan?

JEREMY
Nothing. Believe me.

SUSAN
I paved the way and made it easier for you to get in. You
owe me. Tell me what she’s trying to pull.

JEREMY
I’m serious. Nothing.
 31

SUSAN
You think Manoj is cool?

JEREMY
A little. I guess.

SUSAN
You’ve got a man crush, don’t you?

JEREMY
It’s totally non-sexual.

SUSAN
That’s all me.

JEREMY
What?

SUSAN
This was Manoj when I met him.

Manoj enters. He has glasses

and an overall nerdy
demeanor.

MANOJ
I’m sorry, I’m not looking at your breasts. I’m just afraid
to look at your eyes. They sure are pretty. I mean your
eyes, um, I mean, I’ll just turn around and look at
something else now.

He turns around.

JEREMY
That’s Manoj?

SUSAN
And then when I was done with him.

Manoj removes glasses, spins

around, and adopts a more
confident posture.

MANOJ
Darling, I just got another promotion today, though they’re
coming so quickly I can hardly keep track. I say drinks and
 32

dinner are mandatory, dancing optional. But my, what a

splendid option.

Manoj exits, dancing out in a

flashy way.

JEREMY
Man, I wish I could grow up to be like him.

SUSAN
I made him who he is.

JEREMY
Why did you bother with him in the first place?

SUSAN
I was into all that Indian stuff, I was a yoga teacher, I
was doing the ayurvedic thing, you know. I needed an Indian
guy to complete the set, and then I guess I fell for him.

JEREMY
You’re not Indian. You get that, right?

SUSAN
I’m close enough.

JEREMY
No, you’re really far away.

SUSAN
And what are you, Jeremy?

JEREMY
I know what I am.

SUSAN
What’s your ethnicity?

JEREMY
Oh, I don’t know. I’m typical English, German, Scottish,
Irish, something. What does it matter?

SUSAN
Exactly. We’re typical white people. But those people in
there are Indian and that matters a lot to them, except for
Priya. They’re in with something that goes back thousands
 33

of years, except for Priya. What’s wrong with wanting some

of that?

JEREMY
Don’t you think Priya wants it too?

SUSAN
She doesn’t get to replace me in her mother’s heart. I
carved out my castle in there and she’s not getting in.

JEREMY
There’s enough for two.

SUSAN
It’s a really small castle.

JEREMY
Fine. Now you know what Priya wants. Will you help me get a
job with Manoj?

SUSAN
You want to be our man on the inside, Jeremy? You sleep
with Priya, but you work for us?

JEREMY
You make it sound kind of sinister.

SUSAN
It’s as sinister as you want it.

JEREMY
I want it to be really not sinister at all.

SUSAN
Too bad.

JEREMY
I just want a job. I’m a good programmer.

SUSAN
We’ll see. But if that happens, you be nice to us.

JEREMY
I am nice to you.

SUSAN
Nicer. A lot nicer.
 34

Susan approaches Jeremy

almost menacingly. Manoj
enters.

MANOJ
What’s going on here?

JEREMY
Nothing, Manoj, your wife and I aren’t getting up to
anything.

MANOJ
(laughing)
Like that would ever happen.

Susan laughs. Priya enters.

PRIYA
Jeremy, my mother’s looking for you.

JEREMY
Oh no.

PRIYA
She’s going to stuff you with more sweets. So do a little
bulimia thing in the bathroom first.
(indicating Susan)
Ask her if you need any tips.

Jeremy exits.

MANOJ
Sue, you should go distract mother.

SUSAN
Why?

Manoj gives her a look. Susan

exits.

MANOJ
Sis, we need to talk.

PRIYA
We never need to talk.
 35

MANOJ
I’m paying for your wedding, remember?

PRIYA
You’ll keep holding that over me, won’t you? Forget it, I
don’t want it.

MANOJ
You can’t afford the wedding you want on your own.

PRIYA
It’s not the wedding I want. It’s the wedding mom wants.

MANOJ
Yeah, that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it?

PRIYA
You’ve made a career of kissing up to mom.

MANOJ
Yeah, and I’m really good at it.

PRIYA
She’s getting what she wants. That’s the important thing.

MANOJ
Agreed.

PRIYA
I don’t believe for one second that you plan to pay for
this wedding.

MANOJ
It depends on what you want.

PRIYA
I dream big.

MANOJ
Go smaller.

PRIYA
Jeremy comes in riding on an elephant.

MANOJ
No fucking way.
 36

PRIYA
I’m telling mom you swore.

MANOJ
Like that scares me. But don’t tell her. And no elephants.

PRIYA
A really nice horse then.

MANOJ
He leads a dog on a leash.

PRIYA
Put the leash on a horse and we’re good.

MANOJ
A pony. Deal.

PRIYA
This is how it’s going to be?

MANOJ
What’s this about a full religious ceremony?

PRIYA
I’m really in touch with our spiritual heritage.

MANOJ
Fine, tell me about Lord Ram.

PRIYA
Um, is he the elephant one or the monkey one?

MANOJ
This is pathetic.

PRIYA
Mom’s into the idea. And dad’s . . . being dad.

MANOJ
This isn’t over, Priya.

PRIYA
It never is.

MANOJ
Better check your fiancé. He can’t handle his sweets.
 37

PRIYA
Is that supposed to be some kind of a threat?

MANOJ
Does it sound like one?

PRIYA
Not really.

MANOJ
Well, don’t you forget it.

Manoj exits. Priya exits.

Scene 4.

Two months later. The street

in a remote part of the city.
Priya and Jeremy enter. She
is looking at a smart phone.

PRIYA
This place has to be just around the corner.

JEREMY
Are you sure you got the address right?

PRIYA
It’s the address he gave me.

JEREMY
Maybe he gave you the wrong address.

PRIYA
Yes, I can see that.

Manoj enters.

MANOJ
If I wished I could hold her fate in my hands, manipulate
every aspect of her miserable existence and drive her to
madness, but no, why bother? I’ll just mis-direct her, send
her off some place with no clear destination and let her
wander herself into oblivion.
 38

He cackles maniacally and

exits.

PRIYA
(shaking her head)
No, that’s just not plausible. What am I doing? Why do I
always think the worst of people?

JEREMY
Maybe because they think the worst of you?

PRIYA
They do?

JEREMY
Um, no.

PRIYA
Actually, he’s been good with all the wedding planning,
though I know it’s just for mom’s sake.

JEREMY
I really don’t have time for this.

PRIYA
The wedding’s in two months, so whatever needs to be worked
out, we need to work it out now.

She stops.

PRIYA
This looks like the place.

JEREMY
Are you sure?

PRIYA
The address is right.

JEREMY
(reading a sign)
“Holistic Algorithmic and Intuitional Network.” Some kind
of a new age joint?

PRIYA
Let’s go in.
 39

They enter the building,

signified by INDIAN MUSIC
coming on, something mellow
and spiritual sounding with
sitars.

PRIYA
What’s that weird music?

JEREMY
It’s a sitar. You know, Indian music? You’ve heard it
before, right?

PRIYA
Don’t ask me these things.

JEREMY
This looks like the main room.

PRIYA
There’s got to be a hundred people in here.

JEREMY
What are they doing?

PRIYA
They’ve got that weird blissed-out look.

JEREMY
Like they’re meditating.

PRIYA
What is it about white people getting all into Indian
spirituality? So lame.

JEREMY
So only Indian people can be lame enough to get into Indian
spirituality?

PRIYA
Something like that.

Jeremy peers into distance.

JEREMY
Wait, is that Manoj and Susan on the stage?
 40

PRIYA
That’s them all right. I couldn’t tell with the outfits.

JEREMY
What are they doing?

PRIYA
It looks like they’re leading this whole nonsense.

JEREMY
Maybe this place has kind of an open-mike policy?

PRIYA
Knowing Manoj, it’s a scam.

JEREMY
I thought you were going to think better of people.

PRIYA
Why would you think that?

Priya quickly turns around.

PRIYA
Don’t let him see us.

JEREMY
Why? We came here to meet him.

Manoj enters, wearing some

kind of a robe or other get-
up.

MANOJ
Greetings, gentle seekers.

PRIYA
What the fuck is this, Manoj?

Manoj puts his hand on

Priya’s forehead.

MANOJ
Lovely sister, within you is a heart of purity.

PRIYA
 41

Within me is a raging bitch and you’re about to see her if

you don’t tell me why you brought us here.

MANOJ
These people are here to follow me on a path to wisdom.

PRIYA
The path to your bank account, I bet.

MANOJ
The material world is no longer my focus.

PRIYA
Bullshit.

MANOJ
Sister, your mouth is a sacred orifice.

PRIYA
I’ll show you an orifice.

She turns around as if to

flash her backside but Jeremy
stops her.

MANOJ
I am now funneling all of the profits from my business into
spiritual ventures.

PRIYA
What is going on here?

MANOJ
I have been transformed.

PRIYA
From what into what exactly?

MANOJ
From what I was into what I am.

PRIYA
And what are you now?

MANOJ
I am reduced to only that which you see.
 42

PRIYA
Which is what?

Mother and Father enter.

PRIYA
You’re here too?

MOTHER
Manoj asked us to come.

MANOJ
Mother, father, I have something to reveal.

PRIYA
Wait until you hear this, dad.

MANOJ
When I agreed to put together Priya’s wedding and she
wanted a very traditional religious ceremony, I realized I
had to study the right rituals to make everything correct.

FATHER
Perfectionism is a virtue.

MANOJ
But I found them too superficial.

MOTHER
They were good enough for our wedding.

MANOJ
I understand, mother. But it occurred to me that what Priya
wanted was only scraping the surface.

PRIYA
So you’re calling me superficial?

JEREMY
That’s pretty much the through line here, yeah.

MANOJ
So I dipped into the ancient texts.

FATHER
Impressive.
 43

PRIYA
You scored an easy point.

MANOJ
And suddenly it came to me. A vision of the cosmos and how
it interacts and enfolds and unfolds and folds again. When
you think about it, what else is the universe but a vast
example of a perfect programming model?

PRIYA
What else is it? It’s the universe, that’s what.

MANOJ
All we are, all our thoughts, all of our lives, are merely
ones and zeroes in this architecture. Together, we flow
with the universe.

PRIYA
You’re up to something.

MOTHER
Priya, please, why do you reject?

PRIYA
Because it’s completely phony.

MOTHER
Right now, only you sound phony.

PRIYA
Jeremy, tell her.

JEREMY
Well, some of what he says kind of makes sense.

PRIYA
You’ve got to be kidding.

JEREMY
I’ve always wanted to integrate my programming lifestyle
with my spiritual life.

PRIYA
You don’t have a spiritual life. You don’t even know what
religion your family is.

JEREMY
 44

Yes I do. We’re methodists. Or is it baptists? I always get

those two mixed up.

PRIYA
Dad, please set everyone straight.

FATHER
Priya, I have not always found your brother’s goals
exemplary.

PRIYA
Yes, exactly.

FATHER
But I admire his commitment now.

PRIYA
Of course you do. Wait, what?

MANOJ
I gratefully accept your blessing, father.

PRIYA
First you were happy that he was a big time entrepreneur,
and now you’re pleased that he’s throwing it all away to be
some sort of guru or whatever.

MOTHER
Priya, stop doubting your brother.

FATHER
It is becoming quite embarrassing.

MANOJ
Mother, father, she is just confused and immature.

PRIYA
I don’t need you to defend me.

JEREMY
You just might.

PRIYA
Stay out of this.

MOTHER
Such disrespect to your fiancé.
 45

FATHER
You would be best to relax.

PRIYA
I’m getting out of here.

MANOJ
Priya, I can transform your ire into something beautiful. I
welcome it.

PRIYA
Here it comes.

She approaches him

threateningly. Jeremy
restrains her.

JEREMY
Hey, come on, you need to chill.

PRIYA
What world am I living in? I’m the one getting married. I
suggested all this, going to India, the ceremony,
everything. Don’t you remember how happy we all were about
that? Now he puts on a cheap robe, chants a couple of Hare
Krishnas and suddenly he’s your favorite again? How is this
fair?

MANOJ
Priya, I can only respond with great humility and love . .
.

PRIYA
I’m out of here.

Priya exits.

JEREMY
I should probably see what’s going on with her.

MANOJ
Yes, Jeremy, you should. But when you have a moment, I
wanted to discuss a little opportunity with you.

JEREMY
Really?
 46

MANOJ
I have less time for the business end of things now, and I
was hoping to keep things in the family.

JEREMY
Um, sure, you know, she’ll probably be fine. I want to know
more about your operation here.

All exit.

ACT TWO

Scene 1.

Two months later. A street in

New Delhi, India. ROAR of
traffic and other STREET
NOISE. Priya enters with
Jeremy in reluctant tow.

PRIYA
Come on, we have to get going.

JEREMY
Can’t we just stop for lunch first?

PRIYA
Not yet.

JEREMY
Then when?

PRIYA
Look at all these hungry people around you. Most Indians
barely have one meal a day.

JEREMY
Let’s take them to lunch too.

He starts wandering off.

JEREMY
That guy’s selling something that looks good.

Priya stops him forcefully.

 47

PRIYA
No, no, do not go anywhere near the street food.

JEREMY
It looks grilled, grilled and marinated with appetizing
spices.

He starts to drift off as if

in a trance. She has to
physically restrain him.

PRIYA
I will not let you do this. You touch anything on the
street and you’ll have the shits for days.

JEREMY
I really want to risk it.

PRIYA
Two days to the wedding. Two days. You are not getting out
of this by compromising your digestive system.

JEREMY
I’m really hungry.

PRIYA
The hotel is our only green zone in New Delhi. Everything
we do that involves something entering or leaving a body
cavity, we do in that hotel. Is that clear?

JEREMY
Can we go there now?

PRIYA
Yes. In a couple of hours.

JEREMY
Why not now?

PRIYA
We have to arrange the fireworks.

JEREMY
Fireworks?

PRIYA
When you get married in India, you need fireworks.
 48

JEREMY
Do we have to take care of that now?

PRIYA
If I could trust you to handle any of this yourself, we
could split the work, but I can’t.

JEREMY
So instead of letting me relax at the hotel you’re making
me come with you?

PRIYA
You got it.

She starts hailing a vehicle.

JEREMY
We’re not riding in one of those flimsy motor rickshaws
again?

PRIYA
They’re cheaper than a taxi.

JEREMY
They’re death traps.

She succeeds in hailing one.

PRIYA
Come on, get in.

He shakes his head.

PRIYA
The guy’s waiting.

JEREMY
No way I’m getting in another one of those things unless
the hotel is on the other end of this ride.

PRIYA
Now you play the tough guy?

JEREMY
No, just the tired, hungry guy.
 49

PRIYA
Fine. Fireworks can wait.

They sit down in two chairs,

signifying a vehicle.

PRIYA
(to invisible driver)
Imperial Hotel.

Jeremy holds on as they get

going.

JEREMY
Why do they let pretty much anything on the street in
India?

PRIYA
Where do you expect everything to go?

JEREMY
That was a cow lumbering down the middle of the street.

PRIYA
It’s rush hour.

JEREMY
I don’t know why the rest of your family can’t help with
all these wedding arrangements.

PRIYA
Mom and dad disappeared this morning.

JEREMY
You can’t call them?

PRIYA
It’s not that easy.

JEREMY
It sounds pretty easy.

He reacts to a close call.

JEREMY
Ah, this guy just sideswiped a bus.
 50

PRIYA
When my parents are in India they get a lot more, well,
Indian. And not like Indian now, Indian like thirty years
ago.

JEREMY
I don’t get it.

PRIYA
They forget how to use technology. My dad does this weird
thing where he’ll just pick up the phone and not say
anything.

JEREMY
It can’t be that bad.

PRIYA
Fine. I’ll try him.

She calls on her phone.

Father enters. He answers his
phone but does not say
anything.

PRIYA
Hello?

FATHER
Hello, who is speaking?

PRIYA
Dad?

FATHER
Hello?

PRIYA
Dad, it’s Priya.

FATHER
Priya, is that you, beti?

PRIYA
Yes, Dad, can you hear me?

FATHER
You want to speak to me, Priya? I am talking now.
 51

PRIYA
Dad, where are you?

FATHER
I am in Delhi, Priya.

PRIYA
Where in Delhi?

FATHER
At a very fine restaurant. Bilkul pukka place, but not very
good biryani.

PRIYA
I need some help with the wedding stuff.

FATHER
But the wedding is in two days, Priya, what can anyone do?

PRIYA
Can you meet me back at the hotel so we can plan?

FATHER
Okay, I will be coming, Priya. After a few more
restaurants.

PRIYA
Bye, dad.

FATHER
Are you saying good-bye now, Priya?

She hangs up the phone.

Father exits.

PRIYA
Yeah, we won’t be seeing him anytime today.

Jeremy stares intently ahead.

PRIYA
Did you hear me?

JEREMY
Please tell me this guy’s stopping for this red. Wait,
whoa, hey. He didn’t stop at the light?
 52

PRIYA
I’m pretty sure a red light’s just a suggestion here.

JEREMY
I’m surprised more people don’t die on these streets.

PRIYA
Yeah, the fatality rate’s really high. I looked it up.

JEREMY
Please, distract me. Try your mother.

Priya makes a call. Mother

enters and answers her phone.
She says nothing.

PRIYA
Mom?

MOTHER
Is that you speaking, Priya?

PRIYA
Okay, I don’t need any more of this. Mom, can you meet me
back at the hotel?

MOTHER
But I am just here at your auntie Lakshmi’s house.

PRIYA
Yes, I’m sure you are.

MOTHER
You remember when she visited us in the States?

PRIYA
Let me guess, something like twenty years ago?

MOTHER
You were very young then but surely you remember?

PRIYA
Every detail. Mom, can you meet me back at the hotel so we
can plan?

MOTHER
 53

But you must come over to your auntie’s house.

PRIYA
That’s not a thing that’s going to happen.

MOTHER
But she is standing right here listening.

PRIYA
Tell her namaste for me and I’ll see her at the wedding.

Priya shuts off the phone.

Mother exits. Priya looks at
Jeremy.

JEREMY
Try Manoj.

She phones again. Manoj

enters on his phone.

MANOJ
Priya, darling sister.

PRIYA
Save it, I just need your help with some wedding stuff.

MANOJ
Oh, of course, your wedding, how could I forget? But I’ve
been enveloped in so much enlightenment that it’s hard to
keep track of such trivialities.

PRIYA
Can you just tell me how much of this nonsense I have to
listen to before we can get to the point?

MANOJ
All paths lead to the point for those who are patient.

PRIYA
Yeah, well I’m not fucking patient.

She shuts down the phone.

Manoj exits.

PRIYA
What a dick.
 54

JEREMY
I’m sure he can be reasonable.

PRIYA
That’s not what he can be ever.

JEREMY
He probably really wants to help.

PRIYA
Why are you standing up for him?

JEREMY
Just giving the benefit of the doubt.

PRIYA
Fine, I’ll try him again.

Priya calls again. Manoj and

Susan enter. He looks at the
phone, sees that it’s Priya
calling again and looks
annoyed. He shows the phone
to Susan, who takes it from
him and picks it up. He
mouths “thank you” and exits.

SUSAN
Hello?

PRIYA
Susan? I was trying to reach Manoj.

SUSAN
Yeah, he’s not available right now.

PRIYA
But I just talked to him like twenty seconds ago.

SUSAN
That was the last twenty seconds he’s going to be free
today.

PRIYA
What is he so busy with?
 55

SUSAN
I don’t know, Priya, why don’t you ask your fiancé.

PRIYA
What’s that supposed to mean?

SUSAN
He’d know better than I would. Bye, Priya.

She hangs up the phone and

exits.

PRIYA
That was weird.

JEREMY
What?

PRIYA
Susan said something about asking you what Manoj would be
up to.

JEREMY
How would I know?

PRIYA
That’s what I thought.

JEREMY
Good thing we straightened that out.

Priya looks at Jeremy,

suddenly suspicious.

PRIYA
(to invisible driver)
Stop here.

Priya gets out of the chair

and mimes giving money to
driver. Jeremy gets out of
the chair and looks around.

JEREMY
I don’t see the hotel.

PRIYA
 56

How would you know what Manoj is doing?

JEREMY
I wouldn’t.

PRIYA
You’re sure?

JEREMY
Of course.

PRIYA
Okay, I’m getting into the next motor rickshaw I see.
You’re not.

JEREMY
What am I doing?

PRIYA
Getting back to the hotel on your own.

JEREMY
How?

PRIYA
I don’t know. Hail a cab, I guess. Oh, but you don’t have
any rupees on you, do you?

JEREMY
No, I’ve been counting on you for all that.

PRIYA
Then it might take you a while. And you’ll get pretty
hungry. You might want to borrow that guy’s begging bowl.

She starts to walk away.

JEREMY
Wait, why are you doing this?

PRIYA
What did Susan mean about you knowing what Manoj is up to?

JEREMY
I’m doing a little work for Manoj.

PRIYA
 57

What kind of work?

JEREMY
Systems work. What I do.

PRIYA
You didn’t tell me?

JEREMY
You act like he’s your mortal enemy.

PRIYA
He is.

JEREMY
Having his name on my resume could be really good for my
career.

PRIYA
You’re somehow playing into his hands.

JEREMY
I’m not that dumb.

PRIYA
You can be manipulated. I should know.

JEREMY
So what do you want me to do, Priya? I’m sorry I didn’t
tell you.

PRIYA
You’re going to make this right. I know Manoj is a fraud
and you’re going to get the proof I need.

JEREMY
You want me to spy?

PRIYA
Exactly.

JEREMY
I’d be betraying his trust.

PRIYA
You just betrayed my trust. This is one of the worst things
you could do to me, Jeremy. Honestly, I would’ve been
 58

happier if you were sleeping with Susan. Wait, that’s a

great idea.

JEREMY
Sleeping with Susan?

PRIYA
To get information on Manoj.

JEREMY
You’d really want me to do that?

PRIYA
No, there’s no way she’d go for you.

JEREMY
Hey, come on.

PRIYA
No, let’s stick to the original plan. You get info on him
somehow.

JEREMY
He’s been so good to me.

PRIYA
But Jeremy, I’m worried that I’m losing you. With all this
going on, I just feel like we’re so distant.

JEREMY
It’s okay. You’re not losing me, really.

PRIYA
Prove it.

JEREMY
Were you manipulating me just then?

PRIYA
I told you it’s easy.

JEREMY
Can you just consider for one second that maybe Manoj means
well?

PRIYA
Sure.
 59

She thinks.

PRIYA
The second’s up. No, I’m right. He’s a bad guy, and you’re
going to prove it.

They exit.

Scene 2.

A New Delhi hotel lobby.

Father, Mother, Susan, and
Manoj enter. They look
around.

MOTHER
Where is she?

MANOJ
She got us down here early for what? She’s not even here.

Priya enters behind them.

PRIYA
Ha, I was behind you guys all the time.

SUSAN
Yeah, that was fiendish.

PRIYA
Okay, everyone, this is it.

Jeremy enters, yawning.

JEREMY
What did I miss?

PRIYA
The wedding’s tomorrow. We just have one more day to get
everything done. Now that I have you all here together in
the lobby, I’m going to ask for volunteers. Who’s up for
arranging the fireworks?

Father starts to exit.

PRIYA
 60

Dad, where are you going?

FATHER
To do the things that are required.

PRIYA
You’re not signed up for anything yet.

FATHER
I will listen with attention.

PRIYA
Mom, you’re going sari shopping, right?

MOTHER
This is my specialty.

PRIYA
Good. Now, Manoj and Susan.

MANOJ
(with an Indian accent)
Sorry, Priya.

PRIYA
What do you mean sorry? Wait, is that an Indian accent?

MANOJ
How else do Indians speak?

PRIYA
Yeah, well I can do that too.
(with a bad Indian accent)
Listen to my very Indian accent.

JEREMY
Um, no.

PRIYA
Whatever, so what are you sorry about? I mean, besides the
obvious.

SUSAN
We have other obligations today.

PRIYA
The wedding’s tomorrow.
 61

MANOJ
We have people to meet.

Father tries to slip away

again.

PRIYA
Dad, I see you. Come back.

Father stops.

PRIYA
Manoj, you can’t pull this on me today.

MANOJ
All will be okay, Priya. Just trust.

SUSAN
Or it won’t, but either way, it’s not our problem.

Susan exits. Manoj starts to

but stops and looks at
Jeremy.

PRIYA
Fine, now Jeremy, I’ll really need your help.

She sees Manoj.

PRIYA
You’re still here?

MANOJ
Just waiting for Jeremy.

She confronts Jeremy.

PRIYA
What does he mean waiting for you?

JEREMY
Well, it’s just . . .

MANOJ
Someone needs to handle business matters while Sue and I
are occupied.
 62

PRIYA
(to Jeremy)
You’re pulling out on me the day before our wedding?

MANOJ
I’ll just leave you two.

Manoj exits. Father starts to

follow him.

PRIYA
Dad, I see you. Fine, just go.

Father follows Manoj to exit.

PRIYA
Really, Jeremy?

JEREMY
You’re so much better at this kind of thing.

PRIYA
Just get out.

Jeremy leaves.

PRIYA
I’ll take care of it myself.

MOTHER
I had better leave now.

Priya watches her mother and

reconsiders.

PRIYA
Wait, mom, I can’t let you go out there alone.

MOTHER
I have been many times shopping in Delhi alone.

PRIYA
Maybe twenty years ago.

MOTHER
I will be fine.
 63

PRIYA
I’ll go with you.

MOTHER
But you have no eye for these things.

PRIYA
I offer my help and that’s what you say?
(sighs)
No, you’re right, I don’t have the eye. But maybe I want to
learn.

MOTHER
That is simply silly.

PRIYA
Let’s just go.

Priya and Mother exit.

Scene 3.

A sari shop. Priya and Mother

enter. Mother looks at
various fabrics.

MOTHER
And this one. So lovely.

PRIYA
Kind of looks the same as the other one.

MOTHER
Look at the trim.

PRIYA
Nice trim. Looks like the other trim.

MOTHER
Very special trim.

PRIYA
I can’t tell the difference.

MOTHER
You need to pay attention.
 64

PRIYA
I’m watching.

MOTHER
This one also would look very nice on Susie.

PRIYA
She’s really white, I mean pasty white, risen from the
grave white.

MOTHER
But she has nice tones for these colors.

PRIYA
Okay, so it would look great on her.

MOTHER
She is so pretty.

PRIYA
Mom, why won’t you tell me I would look nice in any of
these?

MOTHER
Why would a mother say such a thing to her daughter?

PRIYA
Is this generational or what?

MOTHER
Your wedding clothes are already chosen.

PRIYA
I’m getting married tomorrow, mom. Married, for real.

MOTHER
I am quite aware.

PRIYA
Okay, what about your future son-in-law. What do you think
of him?

MOTHER
He seems very adequate.

PRIYA
 65

He should be better than adequate. He should be the love of

my life. And he is, though sometimes I’m not sure why.

MOTHER
He is a fine boy.

PRIYA
Mom, what was your wedding like? And please don’t say very
adequate.

MOTHER
It . . . served its purpose.

PRIYA
Did dad look handsome?

MOTHER
He seemed to not fully understand what was happening around
him.

PRIYA
Were you happy?

MOTHER
It was a good match.

PRIYA
Right. You had an arranged marriage.

MOTHER
We knew each other at university, so it was not so
arranged. He was going to be a doctor, so my parents were
pleased.

PRIYA
Was it at least romantic in any way?

MOTHER
Priya, your father is a raja of romance. Here he is when we
were first engaged.

Father enters.

FATHER
(to Mother)
I have analyzed the subject and we are compatible on many
significant points.
 66

PRIYA
Touching.

MOTHER
And on our wedding night, yes, a master.

FATHER
You are wearing several layers of clothing and many items
of jewelry that will take very long to remove. I will wait
in the next room. You call me when you are finished.

PRIYA
Yeah, I didn’t really want to know about your wedding
night, but that’s just sad.

MOTHER
And when we were married for ten years.

FATHER
It has been ten years now. Let us hope the next ten are as
uneventful.

Father exits.

PRIYA
But all of these Bollywood love stories you watch. You
never wanted any of that in your life?

MOTHER
Those are just fantasies. Is Jeremy very romantic?

PRIYA
He tries to be, but I kind of shoot him down. I guess I see
where I get that.

MOTHER
Very sensible.

PRIYA
But we’re here now, mom, I’m getting married in India just
like you wanted.

MOTHER
We will take many pictures and when my friends come over
for tea I will show them and they will be envious.
 67

PRIYA
So that’s what all this is about, making your friends
jealous?

MOTHER
We must do something in life.

PRIYA
You don’t care about anything else, working for anything,
trying to achieve something?

MOTHER
I have had a good, simple job and everything else is fine.
And after tomorrow all of my children will be married. All
that remains is to be at the Taj Mahal together.

PRIYA
Fine, we’ll get you to the Taj Mahal. Is there really
nothing else you want from me?

MOTHER
Priya, I really need you very much.

PRIYA
You do?

MOTHER
Please hold the many saris I will purchase.

PRIYA
That shop girl over there will take care of it for you. I’m
going to track down dad and get his help.

Priya gets out her phone.

PRIYA
Dad, is that you? Tell me where you are. No, wait, I’m
finding a driver. You tell him where you are.

Priya and Mother exit.

Scene 4.

The streets of Old Delhi.

Father enters, Priya trailing
behind.
 68

FATHER
The previous establishment had a very nice recipe but too
much salt.

PRIYA
Dad, how long have you been going around trying biryani?

FATHER
It will take much time.

PRIYA
But I need you to help me take care of some things for the
wedding.

FATHER
This will happen too, but first the biryani.

He changes direction. She

tries to keep up.

PRIYA
This narrow alley looks just like the last one.

FATHER
They are all very similar.

PRIYA
What crazy area is this?

FATHER
This is the crazy area of Old Delhi.

PRIYA
We’re completely lost.

FATHER
They have been making biryani here for centuries.

PRIYA
You think they’d get it right.

FATHER
The standards are not the same. Wait, incorrect way.

He changes direction again.

PRIYA
 69

I don’t think we should be lost around here. A lot of these

people look shady.

FATHER
They live and work here. We are the interlopers.

PRIYA
Dad, what’s going on here?

FATHER
You cannot tell?

PRIYA
You won’t talk to me about my wedding.

FATHER
These tiny passageways have been here since the time an
empire ruled India. They are an established fact. Tomorrow
a wedding will happen and will change nothing.

PRIYA
That’s all you’ve got? This is a big deal to me.

FATHER
Is it?

PRIYA
Of course.

He stops and examines a

restaurant.

FATHER
Ah, and here we are. The place I have been searching for.

PRIYA
We’re talking here.

FATHER
Keep discussing.

He exits.

PRIYA
Honestly, the whole thing’s been nothing but a hassle. I
thought it was at least important to mom, but even she’s
hardly into it.
 70

He enters with a take-out

container.

FATHER
I imagined her initial enthusiasm would wane. She is this
way with so many things.

PRIYA
Why does she bother, then? Why do I?

FATHER
You decide.

PRIYA
I wanted to do something right, in her eyes, in yours.

FATHER
Surely you did not bring us all to India for my sake?

PRIYA
All this heritage is important to you. So if it’s important
to me it brings us closer together, right?

FATHER
Here, taste this.

She tastes the food.

PRIYA
Not bad.

FATHER
That is a very peculiar blend of fried onions, marinated
chicken, ginger, and garlic fried in ghee and baked with
rice gently coated with cumin, coriander, cardamom,
turmeric, and other spices that they keep a close secret.

PRIYA
I was going to say cardamom.

FATHER
Do you know there is much controversy about the history of
biryani. Some say . . .

PRIYA
Dad, no lectures now.
 71

FATHER
You used to enjoy them.

PRIYA
When I was really young.

FATHER
Maybe you cannot listen because you are a teacher yourself
now.

PRIYA
I stuff math into the heads of very bored freshmen.

FATHER
A profession without purpose.

PRIYA
I always thought you’d be a little proud that I decided to
do something kind of noble with my life.

FATHER
When did I ever ask you to?

PRIYA
This was probably a bad idea, dad. I wanted to connect with
this insane quest of yours, try to figure out why it meant
so much to you, but I’m getting nothing right now.

FATHER
This biryani is delicately spiced and the chicken and rice
both benefit from deep layers of flavors, but it is not the
best. I will continue searching.

PRIYA
Fine. You do that.

FATHER
Happy we are in agreement.

Priya starts to walk away in

a huff, then stops.

PRIYA
Wait, which way did we come?
 72

He points in the other

direction. She reverses
direction and exits in a
huff. Father takes another
bite from his container.
Mother enters, making a call.
Father’s phone RINGS. He
answers it.

MOTHER
Hello?

FATHER
Ah, hello.

MOTHER
Are you with our daughter?

FATHER
I was lately but no longer.

MOTHER
Hopefully she is okay.

FATHER
I see no issues.

MOTHER
I am here in Connaught Place shopping.

FATHER
I simply cannot feign interest.

MOTHER
I passed a very good restaurant.

FATHER
Yes, they have them.

MOTHER
You and I ate there one time very long ago.

FATHER
Yes?

MOTHER
 73

We could not afford much, so we had pakoras and chai. You

remember?

FATHER
I think so.

MOTHER
You could come meet me here again.

FATHER
I recall you were very unhappy that I could not pay for a
full lunch. But I was a mere student.

MOTHER
I don’t remember unhappiness.

FATHER
I have already eaten much today.

MOTHER
Theek hai. See you at our daughter’s wedding.

FATHER
Yes, I noted the date in my calendar.

He shuts off his phone. She

exits.

Scene 5.

A hotel room. The evening

after the wedding. Jeremy and
Priya enter. They are either
still wearing wedding outfits
or working on removing them.

JEREMY
I really want to be back in my civvies, don’t you?

PRIYA
I guess so.

JEREMY
But you sure rocked that outfit. Whoa.

PRIYA
Yeah, that won’t work.
 74

JEREMY
It wasn’t perfect, but all the important stuff went well.
Except, you know, I wish we had fireworks.

She flashes him a dirty look.

JEREMY
Just trying to lighten things up.

She points to her face.

PRIYA
This thing is not lightening.

JEREMY
It was a good wedding.

PRIYA
Manoj just had to lead everyone in meditation before the
ceremony and of course my parents were totally into it.

JEREMY
Priya, this is our wedding night. I know things didn’t work
out how you expected, but maybe we can try to salvage it a
little? You’re looking hot, I look awesome, this room’s got
great AC and a firm mattress. What do you say?

PRIYA
I’m tired and we need to get up early for that fucking trip
to the Taj Mahal.

JEREMY
Another one of your ideas.

PRIYA
To please my mother. It was all for them, and they didn’t
even give a shit.

JEREMY
I think they were happy.

PRIYA
Where are they now? At this temple thing with Manoj and
Susan.

JEREMY
 75

Maybe we should’ve gone.

PRIYA
I can imagine what they’re saying about us right now.

JEREMY
Do we really have to?

PRIYA
Yes. Come on, imagine it.

Mother, Father, Manoj, and Susan enter.

MANOJ
What a fulfilling experience.

FATHER
Fine statuary in that temple.

SUSAN
I feel so blessed.

JEREMY
See? We could’ve had some of that.

PRIYA
Shh. Listen.

MANOJ
Aren’t we all glad we came to Delhi?

MOTHER
Wonderful idea, Manoj.

PRIYA
It was my idea.

MANOJ
I can’t take the credit, mother.

SUSAN
It was a collective effort.

FATHER
But there was some reason for us to come here now, yes?

SUSAN
 76

Priya’s wedding, right?

FATHER
Utter nonsense.

MANOJ
Thank goodness we got that out of the way.

SUSAN
Have you ever seen a glummer bride and groom?

MANOJ
And their dancing, ugh.

SUSAN
What was that move Jeremy did?

MANOJ
I don’t know, something like this?

He does some bad dance move.

JEREMY
Hey, that’s not cool.

All four laugh at Manoj’s

antics and exit.

JEREMY
I’m pretty sure that’s not what they’re talking about.

PRIYA
I hear what Manoj says to my face, so I bet it’s worse when
I’m not around.

JEREMY
He’s not that bad a guy.

PRIYA
You don’t have to kiss up to your boss when he’s not here.

JEREMY
He’s been good to me.

PRIYA
I wasn’t asking for a lot, just wanted to please my parents
for once.
 77

JEREMY
They congratulated us, told us we looked good together.

PRIYA
In the stiffest way possible. And it was all about Manoj
again, always Manoj.

JEREMY
Could you focus on the positive?

PRIYA
I thought I could connect with something missing from my
life, but now it’s the same old shit again. I got nothing
out of this.

JEREMY
You got a husband.

PRIYA
Like I needed one.

JEREMY
You committed to it and so did I.

PRIYA
Jeremy, we already live together. Now we have a piece of
paper and a couple of rings.

JEREMY
We made vows, remember? There was one part I kind of liked:
“You are thought and I am sound. May the night be honey-
sweet for us.” I think that’s kind of beautiful.

PRIYA
It’s a Vedic hymn or something.

JEREMY
You wanted to have all those rituals and hymns.

PRIYA
Just to one up Manoj, but then he one-upped me.

JEREMY
Would it help if I told you his whole spiritual thing is
just a scam?
 78

PRIYA
So you finally agree with me. Thanks.

JEREMY
No, I’m saying I know for sure that it’s a scam.

PRIYA
What are you talking about?

JEREMY
I did what you wanted. While Manoj was out doing his thing
I rooted around in his personal folders.

PRIYA
Just tell me.

JEREMY
Manoj and Sue are starting a yoga business.

PRIYA
Yeah, she’s always been into that.

JEREMY
She’s going to run it, but he’s going to brand her studio
with his name now that he has all these followers and
spiritual cred.

PRIYA
So that was their plan all along?

JEREMY
It seems like it.

PRIYA
I was right.

JEREMY
Exactly.

She smacks him.

PRIYA
Why didn’t you tell me this earlier?

JEREMY
Ow. I was afraid you’d ruin the wedding. Come on, everyone
was so happy. No reason to spoil things.
 79

PRIYA
You’re underestimating my need to spoil things.

MANOJ
What do you mean?

PRIYA
I’m telling everyone.

JEREMY
Don’t ruin the good feelings now.

PRIYA
I have no kind of good feeling about any of this. Do you
get that?

JEREMY
Your folks are so happy.

PRIYA
They’re happy about something phony.

JEREMY
If you’re going to do something, don’t do it now. We’re
seeing the Taj Mahal tomorrow like your mom wanted. Think
about her.

PRIYA
This is what I’ve been waiting for all along.

JEREMY
Wait until we get back home at least.

PRIYA
Fine.

JEREMY
So now we know your brother’s not so great after all,
right?

PRIYA
As I suspected.

JEREMY
And you’re in a better mood?
 80

PRIYA
Look at me glowing.

He tries to pull a move on

her.

PRIYA
Not that much better. I’m going to sleep.

Priya exits. Jeremy exits,

exasperated.

Scene 6.

The hotel lobby the next

morning. Susan, Manoj,
Mother, and Father enter.

SUSAN
Okay, the van for the Taj Mahal should be here in ten
minutes. Do we have everyone?

FATHER
We are missing the newly wedded.

SUSAN
Figures. It’s a three-hour ride, we need to get rolling.

Priya and Jeremy enter.

JEREMY
Good morning, family-in-law.

MOTHER
Ah, my new son.

She takes his hands in hers.

She nods to Priya.

MOTHER
And my old daughter.

PRIYA
Yup, Taj Mahal, let’s do this.

MOTHER
So sad you two could not join us last night.
 81

MANOJ
You really missed something.

PRIYA
I’m sure.

MANOJ
And here I thought I couldn’t feel any more enlightened.

PRIYA
Enlightenment, great thing.

MOTHER
Manoj, thank you for making this trip possible.

FATHER
You have enriched us in untold ways.

PRIYA
It’s a scam.

FATHER
What?

PRIYA
Total scam.

JEREMY
Priya, we talked about this.

PRIYA
Changed my mind.

MANOJ
Really, Priya, this is low even for you.

SUSAN
Very low.

PRIYA
That’s your defense, Manoj?

MANOJ
Against a dishonest attack, yes.

PRIYA
 82

Think about what you’re going to say next.

MANOJ
Oh, I am.

PRIYA
Are you squirming?

MANOJ
Why would I?

PRIYA
I have something on you and you know it.

SUSAN
I don’t know what you’re going on about, but our ride will
be here soon.

PRIYA
Manoj’s whole spirituality thing is totally phony. He
doesn’t believe any of it. He’s just doing it to help
promote Susan’s yoga business.

MANOJ
Shut up, Priya.

PRIYA
You see?

SUSAN
I don’t buy it.

PRIYA
Ask Jeremy, he found the evidence. He started up his guru
thing so he can brand your yoga business with his name.
It’s a cheap marketing ploy.

MOTHER
This cannot be true.

MANOJ
This is how you repay me, Jeremy?

JEREMY
I love all of you, but she’s the one I married.

SUSAN
 83

I don’t get it, Manoj.

MANOJ
Susie, it’s true.

SUSAN
So it didn’t mean anything?

MANOJ
I didn’t want to tell you all my plans just yet. I just
really wanted your yoga business to do well, so I thought a
little cross-promotion might help.

SUSAN
It could, but I thought it was a real thing for you.

MANOJ
It was. Well, okay, maybe at first it was kind of just for
show, but then it changed. I saw what it meant to all of
you and the people who came to see me. There’s something to
it, something rich and ancient, and it can ennoble us if we
let it.

MOTHER
I understand, Manoj.

PRIYA
So you’re saying you did it for her?

MANOJ
Susie, I don’t know who I was before I met you, but I know
who I am now, and it’s all due to you. You’ve made me who I
am, and I wanted to do something to help your dreams
happen. This was my little way of paying you back. I know
it’s no Taj Mahal.

SUSAN
But it’s a great gesture.

MOTHER
A beautiful and romantic gesture.

Manoj and Susan embrace.

PRIYA
So you’ve done it again, Manoj. You’ve managed to make me
feel bad about myself.
 84

MANOJ
Please, Priya.

PRIYA
You did it in a sneaky, underhanded way, but that is a nice
thing to do for someone. And I actually kind of believe
you’re sincere about finding something meaningful. I just
don’t belong in it. And I don’t belong here. I dragged you
all here, and I hope you got something out of it because I
didn’t.

FATHER
Priya, I have a sermon on biryani that I have to finish.

MOTHER
Please, not right now.

FATHER
Sometimes a teacher is required.

PRIYA
Just say what you want to say, dad.

FATHER
The history of biryani is difficult to trace. Many contend
that it originated in India, but I have scrupulously
checked the sources and concluded that it definitely came
into India from Persia where a very similar dish was
conceived. But only in India did it achieve a very specific
balance of flavors and spices.

MANOJ
Ah, yes, I understand, papa. I may have been born in
America but we have been anointed with Indian spice.

FATHER
And cherished like biryani.

MANOJ
Such a poignant, simple parable.

FATHER
(to Priya)
See, even the boy understands. You too are constituted of a
special blend.
 85

PRIYA
Yes, I get it, but I missed out on the cherishing part.

FATHER
Why would you think that?

PRIYA
Oh, I don’t know, the way my entire life has played out?
The way you never accepted me because I wasn’t Indian
enough for you or whatever.

FATHER
The fact that you are overly concerned about parental
approval makes you as Indian as you can possibly be.

SUSAN
I’m worried about parental approval too.

MOTHER
No, not the same.

SUSAN
Why?

FATHER
Only we have suffered the pain of perpetually disappointing
our parents. You can speak all the Hindi you like and dance
as in Bollywood, but you can never truly understand like we
do.

PRIYA
So you accept me as I am?

FATHER
We always have.

PRIYA
You could’ve said so.

MOTHER
You are so much smarter. Why do you need my approval?

FATHER
The boy, he needs constant vindication. You thrived without
it.

MANOJ
 86

Right. Wait, what do I need?

MOTHER
My dear, simple boy.

MANOJ
I feel like you’re patronizing me.

FATHER
Some biryanis require more cooking time than others.

Father and Mother both laugh.

MANOJ
Now you’re both laughing at me.

PRIYA
Manoj, take it from me, it’s not worth it.

JEREMY
Everyone, the bus is here.

All exit.

Scene 7.

Later that day at the Taj

Mahal. All enter and stare
out as if they are regarding
the monument.

JEREMY
I’ll say the obvious. It’s awesome.

MANOJ
A true gem.

JEREMY
Like a model. It doesn’t have a bad angle.

SUSAN
As beautiful as I remember.

MANOJ
Emperor Shah Jahan had it built it as a tomb for his wife.
After he was imprisoned, he gazed on the Taj Mahal from his
window.
 87

MOTHER
It was his comfort.

FATHER
Yes, the view and his many concubines.

MOTHER
Still, his love was true.

SUSAN
I prefer to think of it like that too.

PRIYA
Yeah, this was worth it. And we’re all here together, mom.

MOTHER
Yes, and now that we have taken the selfie we can leave.

PRIYA
Really, mom?

MOTHER
All have seen it.

MANOJ
We just barely got here.

MOTHER
Take your time if you want, but I am very finished.

PRIYA
I thought this was a special place for you.

MOTHER
Sometimes, a mother just wants to be listened to. Besides,
I saw it on my honeymoon.
(to Father)
You remember, yes?

FATHER
Very well. Okay, let’s go.

Mother and Father exit.

SUSAN
We should head off too. We have a business to get back to.
 88

Manoj seems hesitant.

SUSAN
That means both us, Manoj.

MANOJ
Right.

Susan and Manoj exit.

JEREMY
I guess we’re back on the bus too, Priya.

PRIYA
Wait.

JEREMY
For what?

PRIYA
I suddenly realized we just got married.

JEREMY
Like right now you figured that out?

PRIYA
Standing here kind of brings it home.

JEREMY
Did you really want it?

PRIYA
Or did I just go through with it like my parents did, and
their parents, and everyone before?

JEREMY
Good question.

PRIYA
I may have wanted something else earlier, but right now all
I want is to be married to you.

JEREMY
Good thing we just took care of that.

PRIYA
 89

Who else would stick by me through all that insanity?

JEREMY
You did take it pretty far this time. We better get back
before they leave without us.

PRIYA
Maybe we need to have a honeymoon here.

JEREMY
Really?

PRIYA
Seems kind of romantic, huh?

JEREMY
This is not you.

PRIYA
I should loosen up a bit, not be so much like my parents.

JEREMY
I bet we could find a hotel in town.

PRIYA
You still owe me a proper wedding night.

JEREMY
Um, sure.

PRIYA
What’s wrong? Can’t handle a little spicy biryani?

JEREMY
Now you’re talking.

They exit hand-in-hand.