S T U P I D

CYBER
B U Z Z W O R D S
 "BEYOND NEXT GENERATION"

Use this phrase if you want to make a cyber sec solution

that’s pretty ordinary sound like it’s from the future.

I mean, let’s be honest, the ‘Beyond Next Generation Breach

Blocker 7000’ sounds miles more appealing than ‘Security
Information and Event Management Software’.
 "ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE"

Every cyber sec company seems to list AI as a feature

of their product nowadays.

What they basically mean is, their software just has a

long list of ‘if, then, else’ conditions, which makes it
about as intelligent as a brain damaged sloth.
 "MACHINE LEARNING"

Oh, your solution uses machine learning?

It doesn’t though, does it?

Because machines aren’t actually at the stage

when they can actually ‘learn’.
 "DATA DRIVEN"

Oh, you’re driven by data.

Well thank god for that.

And there’s me thinking your entire security solution

was finger-in-the-air-this-is-all-guess-work-and-I-do-
not-have-a-clue-what-I-am-doing driven.
 "REAL TIME"

Oooo a cyber security solution that’s real time.

That’s not a benefit.

If your customers aren’t finding out about

threats in real time, it’s probably too late.

You’re not going to sell security tools if they

alert you 3 weeks after a breach.
 "VIRTUAL REALITY"

I’m sure in a few decades, VR will be brilliant.

But, at the moment it’s that clunky, that if

you’re providing cyber security training to your
staff via a VR headset that sits them in a virtual
office at a virtual computer, you might as well
bin the headset off and sit them in an
actual office, at an actual computer.
 "CHAT BOTS"

I don’t really know what else to say other than they’re

a load of crap. Yeah, that’s all I’ve got on this one.
 "VOICE RECOGNITION"

Listen, Alexa can barely recognise my request for

Cliff Richard’s Greatest Hits on Spotify, never mind
deal with security threats and keep my data safe.

And if you label your solution as having voice

recognition, nowadays that just tells people that you
listen into their conversations. Creep.
 "ACTIVE DEFENCE"

Brilliant.

Oh no, that solution with active defence is

too expensive. Do you do one with inactive
defence? I’ll never get hacked anyway.
And if you wanna see a bit more of that,
follow our company page on LinkedIn.