tr

.l
trr RITI' A IS I\ I A \4II II S \\D IA\4II
\l.lro , l, . | .. ap. .1i , a Pmrr C to, qri,rtTeLl orc.-,n on tr
r. tl . ooo d J. rrd \P. .1.\, '. t L n. .- t o1,._. t ,
I,ILRAP\
$t9
a\\ a
r, r.. l,l .n,l' '.\4. fr,.o'o. t .e!. & p,i" u., t ,.ei. pr r,. , ,
N,r \,n t: rrior ArcnsoD.
),1,,. lrtr'.,. , t',t,t,. J r./...,,- /,ri, crdnop.ar...! ,. ,.tr
,l, r ,'a,r.t, J\i-tr: to. o i l,e!.d,. .,.!ot ).rer,i. ii..t.
"l [' rtr' ly jlrrrp!. Fdrllr pr..rr, _22a4). .169,4?6
1.... \ r i.,.-.FqL g: pr I \Lr.p .,1-, i. : i ,n. _u o.t ne ,. tr . r.
r, /i/dil, /r!, ,r 7.rlr l-.rs
l\ r rcrv! iye inrcrvidwnrg: prn IL ]meidnrS ro ask lineat, .ncutar. {6reaic lnd
Ri.tual Themes in Families
r,rr.rr,)[$)
\l\r,tL'.\tiotrs. F,rr! Prdrs 27nt I ti
I r l|rr/t ( ,,r,!J .,rr)nJ. Nc* yo r lltufron! pre(
\ t nrtt th(f. e! at \)mbats: As?{s alNt;nbr tuuaj.Ithaca. Ny: Corne trnivc(nv and Family Therapy
\ | t | I trhts, fdtls. altd
| SrmbatiL nctiot h h,rd, r,. ie, trha.., Nl:
" 'nctapha^:
\ I r/\) R hrniN .onnnmurion and torency: An Ndenrbu clse stndy. JI C. Hiu (En.t.
\ rl, , ltt h)q.k)tital Saci?tr pr.c.etli,a!: No. 9. srnbol! u,a c*"y" _ iii"1
r,,L ,r d,,n,, ipp.58 8t). Arhons: Univcsiry ofCoorgjr prc*.-,i,i,,
t

" tt.-.. httr.it -..a.L..-._ t,.l-,n_t.,"t, ii \,\ \o1 t,,i,t,4

l,l'1.t,
rr ,. EVAN IMBER.BLACK

A r\'rAN. MR. KoRNER, called requesting thempy for himself. He stated th'?t
he was separated lrom his wife and childrcn and had just lost his job'
He said hJ feit veiy depressed and wasn'f sure that life was worth living'
I asked whether he fh;ught his separalion was pernanent, and since he
was unsure. I asked hirn to invite his wife to the fiIst session. During
this filst session. Mrs- Korner said she had tried for many years to get
her husband to work or their problems, vrhich included conflicts between
them and hetwcen Mr. Korner and his l2_year old sor, Billy, but that
Mr. Korner had always refused. They werc now separaied and had been
for a ye and a half, dudng which tjme MIs. Komer had moved into a
new bouse with Bil1y and their daughter, Sally, 10. Mrs. Komer had
lone back to.chuol "nd hrd iu'l been hired l,'r a good i"b. During
ili' ri',,.. Vt. Kurncr had losr hi. iob.rnd uas ',rnrinuing r,' hare rerl
orirblemaric relarion. \ ilh his.on. Shc raid \he hxd trieil lo gel him lo
so ro lherat'r e:trlier, uhen lhejr m:rrriage ua' collaptinS. blrt lh'l hc
had refused, and she had gone by herself Mrs. Korner said she did not
\\,ant to come to therapy with her husband at this time, but that she might
bc uilling to.on e in lrom lime lo lirn..'
Wori iommenced with Mr. Komer, focusing on his generally trou_
blcd rcl.rtionships u'ith his wife, his soll, and his fellow workers. He
allo$cd lhat he htd bcen a very critical pe$on and that he saw himself
ils vcry hir(l lo livc with. ts hc always plrt his wife down, often in front
50 RITUALS IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY THERAPY
of other people. He said that during recent yeals his wife just refused to
have company, and even family dinners had dwindled. He described
himself as an unimaginative and uncreative person. Explomtion of his
own family of origil revealed that both of his parents drank a]cohol to
excess and that they \rr'ere extremely critical ofhim and had often humili-
ated him in front of others. During therapy which focused ol1 intergener-
ational pattems and Mr. Komer's place in those patterns, both as a child
and now as an adult, Mr. Komer began to change his behavior, espe
cially towards his wife. He was able to get a new job. He and his wife
began to date, and she rcturned to the therapy, as they decided to recon-
cile. Here the therapy began to work on "new wedding vows," a ritual-
ized process that allowed the couple to air past differcnces and set a tone
for their future relationship. The couple's fiIst wedding had been marred
by the death of the wife's adored father Iwo days after the wedding.
Mr. Korner said he had felt he could never measure up to the memory
of his wife's father. Their cunent effofi was framed as a "new beginning,
While Mr. and Mrs. Komer were working on their new vows, they
appeared for a therapy session looking very upset. They began to de-
scribe the children's, especially Billy's, unhappiness with the prcspect
ot father's rcjoining the family. Mr- Komer said that when he went to
(he house, Billy would say, "who wants you here go away!" Most
Billy S{llY
trl(ilJIiti: I 'I'hr K(ntrI lrrrril! A lirrlly ll' lrlrllr
RITUAI IHEMES IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY THERAPY 5I
recently, both childrcn rcfused to go on a family outing that the parents
had planned. Mr. and Mrs. Korner, who had set a date for Mr. Komer
to move back home in three weeks. now felt uncertain. I asked them to
bring the children to a session the following Dight.
Billy and Saily were very articulate and in our conversation they were
able to state that, while they loved their father and really liked this "new"
man who was coming over all the time, they were also very frightened
that the changes would not last. Bi1ly said, "We've become used to living
just with oDr mother. It took a long time. What if we have to go through
this again?" At tlis point, both children appeared more friBhtened than
angry. Billy also described old fights between him and his father, which
used to lead to fights belween husband and wife, and expressed wory
thal these would occur again. He also described that in these fights Sally
would side with 6eir father, and that only recently were he iurd Sal1y able
to get along. DDring the session, Mr. Komer apologized to Billy for all
the old hurts, and both parents promised the children that the old way
would not rcturn. They described their new wedding vows to tle chil_
dren. They spoke about the sort of parents they planned to be for both
children, and as they did so, the children visibly rclaxed.
At the end of the session, I requested that Billy and Sally get together
without their parents and plan a sulprise for their parents on the occasion
of their fkher rejoining the family. I lhen asked Mr. and Mrs. Komer to
get together lo play a surprise for Billy and Sally on the occasion of
Mr. Korner rejoining the family. A11 agreed to my rcquest.
When I next saw the family a month later, Mr'- Korner had, lndeed,
moved home. I asked about the surprises and heard Ihe following;
Billy: We made a wedding cakel We baked four angel food cakes and
stacked them up. lt took us all day!
Therapisti were your parents surpised?
Sally: Yeahl!! And we got frosting all over ourselvesl
Mr. Korner: 0aughingl And all over the kitchen!
MIs. Korner said she couldn't fathom how they had done it, since
they told her they hadn't greased the pans belween each baking! She
also said they had put a piece in the fieezer for next year's annivenary,
as the date of the father's rejoining the family was now their "new anni
versary." Billy, previously labeled "unimaginative, like his fatber,"
proudly told me that the cake had been his idea.
I thcn asked about the parents' surprise for the children. Mr. and
Mn. Korner had rented two adioinjng hotel rooms and had taken the
childrcn out fbr a spccial night. When they afived at the rooms the
 RITUALS IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY THER{PY
5r
childrcn found small gold-colored glasses with each one's name on a
glass and the date. The parents split a large bottle of champagne and the
ahildren split a tiny bottle ofchampagne. While both parents had worked
on most of ihe jdeas fol the surprise, the glasses were Mr' Korner's idea
and he had made all of the arangements, something which he would not
have done previously. Before dinner, the parents had planned to ex_
change new wedding dngs. At the last moment, they decided to include
the children in this ring ceremony. Mr. Komer gave Sal1y the ing to
hand to her mother, and Mrs. Korner gave Billy the ring to hand to his
father, in a ceremony that meiaphorically expressed the new rclationship
options available in the family.
I saw the family again in six months. They were doing well, and were
able to artjculate many differences ftom their prior intemctional paftems.
Mr, and Mrs. Komer were able to discuss issues between them.
Mr. Komer no longer criticized his wife or his son. Father and son were
going out and doing things together, which they had never done before.
They told me that they used the little gold glasses on special family
occasions. At this session, I asked about whether they had always beefl
a family that planned such nice celebrations as they had described to me
and where they had leamed to do such lhings. Mrs. Komer said she came
from a family that always had lovely family events Mr' Komer said that
on holidays in his famjly, his parents would drink and fighl and be ver-
bally abusive to him. He had decided that. when he had his own family,
they would not have frmily celebratiofls and would thereby avoid a lot
of problems. For 14 years, the family lbllowed Mr. Komer's plan, and
remained underritualized, with no markers for family events or develop
mental change. Only when tle family reunited with many new assump
tions were they able to celebrate themselves with rituals.
The rituals designed by the family in response to my insftuctions to
"make a surprise" functioned to reincorporate the husband and father as
a member of the family, effectively mark the llealrng process between
husband and wife and between father and son, highlight the father's new
identity as caring. rather than critical, establish a new ide tit fot the
family as a family able to have special family events together in which
rll participated, punctuab the belief egotiatior process iDvolvcd in the
new wedding vows, and serve as n celebrution of thcir nrt[ly Pcrsooal
and interpersonal changes. They chose symbols thal dclirt((l lhcrll tls be_
ing both like other families (e.g., a wedding crrkc :rrxl wultling rings)
and as uniquc (e.g., special glasses with lhcir nntllcs llrr(l rrr'\! ilrrrrivcrsirry
clalc on them). The symbols and sy,nh)lic nrlirrrs hillhli8hl( (l ( il( lr in(li
vidual nrcrnbcr (c.g., li)ur crkes, linrr llIr|in\), rlvrrriir rlIrlirn'shiPs
(c.8.. lhc Lrrgc chunrp gne bolllL! Iin'llx l)lrrrrrlN rlrrrl Iln !lllrlll olr( lin'
RITIIAI, THEMES IN FAMILTES AND FAMILY THERAPY 53
the children), the shift in available alliances (e.9., the ring ceremony),
and the family as a whole. Finally, the entire ritual connected past, pres-
ent. anal future for the family via a process that did not deny fhe hurts of
the past, that marked the new rclationships in the present, and that in
volved symbols to be used by the family in the future.
FIVE RITUAL THEMES
ln designing and implementing therapeutic ritDals with individuals, cou-
ples, famili;s, or families and larger systems, five themes sene to orient
the therapist's decision making:
(1) nembershipi
(2) healine;
(3) idenlityl
(,1) belief expression and negotiationi and
(5) celebration.
These themes may also be seen in any family's nomative rituals,
whether lhese are daily rituals, family traditions, family and cultural cel
ebmtions, or life cycle transition rituals Any given ritual may include
one or more than one theme.
AII human systems must deal with the issue of membership, including
the questions of who is jn and who is out, who belongs to the system,
who defines membelship, and how one gains or loses membership Such
membership issues are often difficult for families. as they require com_
plex reworkiflg of family pattems, rules, available relationship options,
rnd pre\ iously agreed upon role\.
Vember.hip rirurl. occur drrrll in lamilie\ durinp r'anxly meal'. Jur'
rne,,rhich seoting !rrangemenl.. allo''\ahle lopic( and allouable a[fecl
mil,phoricalll Jehne and .edellne lhe lamll) s \iew' oj il\ell. Discu'-
sion in therapy of the family's dinner time can infbnn the therapist about
membership issues. Thus, in one divorced family, the three sons com_
plained thtt the family had not had a meal together "since father left."
instead, the mother cooked and ate in het room alone, while the oldest
and youngest son ate in front of the television at sepamte times and the
middle son stayed out on the sfeets during dinner. This daily ritual rc
placed thc one ol thc family eating together and served as a painful
metaphor for the lamily's cufcnt fragmentation. Dnily ritua]s of partiog
5.1 R]TUAIS IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY TI{ERAPY RITUAL THEMES lN FAMILIES AND FAMILY TIIERAPY 55

and reenlry arc also membenhip dtuals, defining issues of closeness and
distance,
The membership theme attends to many family life cycle transitions
that are marked by nomative ritDals, such as weddings, in which the
membership in two families of oigin and in a new couple unit is poten-
tially redefined, baby-naming ceremonies in which a new child is wel-
comed into the family and extended family and often into a particular
ethnic community, Bar Mitzvah, which redefines membership in both the
family and the Jewish community, or graduation ceremonies, in which a
young adult's relationship to the family, parents'rclationship to the
young adult and to each other, and the family's relationship to the school
system may be redefined. Such nomative rituals may mark changes that
have been in process, or facilitate needed changes in relationship de6ni_
tions, or point the way to changes yet to come.
Families with more idiosyncratic life cycle transitions often have no
rituals to mark or facilitate membership changes (Imber-B1ack, 1988).
For instance, there arc no agreed upon dfuals to mark families formed
by adoption or for families whose membership is changed by divorce.
There arc no wedding rituals for homosexual couples to mark the crc_
atjon of their unit or to connect them with extended family. There are
no leaving home rituals for families wiih handicapped members who are
leaving to live in a grcup home. There are no special dtuals to facilitate
the complex membeiship changes required in stepfamily fomation; rather,
such fannlies most often begin with a wedding dtual which enoneously
suggests they are identical to a new nucle:tl couple. An extreme example
of this may be seen in a stepfamily who came for therapy due to step_
parenlslepchild conflict that was rapidly leading to the extrusion of a
child. This couple's wedding was celebmted with extended family and
friends, but their five children from their pior marriage, ages six to
twelve, were barred from attending. The wedding ritual had publicly af_
firmed the new couple, but not the new stepfamily.
or to mark more temporary changes, such as the entry oI the therapist
into the family system.
The membeNhip theme is palticularly poignant in ihe issues brought
to thempy by stepfamilies, divorced families, families fomed by adoption,
families whire membership is ambiguous, and families intensely involved
without orltside helping iystems. Conversations between iherapist and
family can prcductively focus on nomative membership ituals, both as
infonnarion for the therapist and as a catalyst to rcvitalizing old or in
venting new membership dtuals
BREF EXAMPLE THE THERAPIST COMES TO DINNER A family was referred
for thenpy due to an "ealing disorder" in the older daughter' The family
consisted;f a father, Bob Wharton, 33, a mother' Sue Wharton, 30' and
two daughters, Sandra, 12, and Ellen, 8. During the lirst session, which
focused;n understandiog the presenting problem in the context of fam_
ily, exteniled family, and helpi[g system relationships, the family mem-
birs were extremely tense. They answered queslions briefly and with
much nervous iaughtei. As therapist, I felt ljke an extreme outsider to
the family.
During a discussion of Sandm's problem, which involved unusual
food preferences, to wit, licnch fries, bread and milk, which she ate to
the eiclusion of all other foods, I discovered that the only time this

MEMRERSHTP t{truAl-s AND THE THERAPEUTIC ?RocEss. Therapeutic mem

bership rituals may be designed to facilitate the expansion or contraction
of membership, to rcdefine the meanings of membershiP. to fitcilitate
entrances and exits, and to delineate boundaies both within lhc lilmily
and between the family and the outside world. Thc rilullls tlcscribcd in
the Korner family allowed for the reentry oI thc hushtrr(i rrtxl lrllhcr in a
new way, while also redefining allianccs. Mcnrhcll\llil) rilrrlrls rrrily bc
desigDed 1() mark definitive membcrshif chirrgcs. sl( ll lls lll( r'rrlry ol a
stcplalhor inlo a preexistiDg Iamily unil ol rrlollr(l llrrrl rIiIIr'rr, Io rrltcr
lhc nrcani0gs ol'mcDlbcr-ship, srrch irs wlrt ll n Yinrllll llrllrll l( rrvrs lx,rrrc. FTGIJRE 2,2 The Wharton Fanily: Thc Therapist Comes to Dinner
ri0 RITUALS IN FAMIL]ES AND FAM]LY THERA.PY
provoked conllict was ai the family's daily dinner. At breakfast ard
lunch, which Sandra had with her sister while their mother stood nearby,
Sandra ate bread and milk. but did not get i[to any struggles. However,
al dinner, when both parents were piesent, Sandra and her mother would
fight over Sandra's eating. Falher would listen silently fbr a while, eat
his meal. and then leave the table, wherc Sandra and her mother would
remain for upwards of an hour, locked in a conflict in which Sandm's
way prcvailed.
Thus, tbe family's dinner had became a daily dtual whose central
relationai metaphor was triadic. As the family discussed it wit}l me, it
was clcar that food had come to symbolize covert power and contlol to
the members, rather than many of the other things which food may sym-
bolize in a family, such as nurtumnce, giving and receiving, and expres-
sion of ethnicily. In addition, few individual dilferences seemed available
fbr expression in the family, with the dramatic excepdon of Sandra's
fi)od prefercnccs.
I concluded the first session by asking the family to bdng dinner to
the next clinic ,rppointment. I rclabeled Sandra's "eating disordei' as
"having favorites" and, among other instructions, asked thai she and her
father shop fbr the dinner and select some of her "favodteJ' for the
fhDlily and for me to eat.
The family arived for the next session with their dinner. Mother
asked Ellen to "set the table" just as lhey sit at home. Sandra's place
was bel\{een her pa{ents. As Ellen sel the table, her mother remilded
hcr that "We have a guest fbr dinner," and asked, "where does ow com
pany usually sit?" Thus, in the opening moments of the second session,
held at the clinic and not at the family's home, the daily dinner ritual
had begun to transfonn my rclationship to the family. I was lheir "guest."
I was "company-" ln sho . I was allowed access to the family through
their daily itual of dinner together. The environment was much more
relaxed than dudng lhe firct session, and the family began to show ac-
ceptance of the reframe "favoites," which, I suggested through ques-
tions, applied to all members and not just Sandm. rcplacing their prior
view of "three normal eaters and one with an eating disordcr" (lmber'
Black, 1986a).
ln this case and other similar ones in which the hnrily is invilcd to
bring dinner to the clinic, the family's daily memhcrship rituirl ol meal
is utilizcd to facilitate thc therapist's access inlo llx lhrily systcln in
order to linm a lcmporary family-thcr.rpisl sysl(rrr lln ttstrrrl r'ornplc
nrentarily ol clicnl and thclilpisl is lcDlportrrily (r)rrli)rrrxl.,l lrrllr Ihrough
(hc unusuirl cor)rplcnrcr)liuily ol l Iurlrily p|tPIrrirrlt rrrr,l I'llllllrrur linxl lo
lhc thcrupisl nrl(l lh11,uSh lhc syrrrrrrctlirrrl Il{lr,l ilrnrlrr,'rr lrnrrl l(,11(lllcr'
RITUAL THEMES IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY THERAPY 57
Thus, a vadety of temporary membership options become available for
the theraDist and the family.
Other member.hip theme riruals uill be illuttrared beloq m the 'haplers
on adoption (Chaptir 8), couples' issues (Chapfer 4), and remaried fam-
ilies (Chapter 12).
Healing
In everv human life. there are times when personal and relationship heal-
ins is needed. Rituals to effect healing can be found in every culture's
fuieral rites, which simultaneously mark the loss of a member, facilitate
rhe e\ore\.ion ol griel, dnd poinl lo i direclion lor ongoing lile Such
rirualr frequenll] riquire.hared meal' or \i'iling lhe bereaved for ' pre_
scnbed Deriod ol lime in ordel lo prevenl d) 'funclional r\oldlion during
rhe period of immediale griel and to'\. Spccitic stcps l"r reincorPiration
of survivors into the larger community may be included (Van Gennep,
1960).
Man\ relisrou\ and cullural group' ha\e 'pecilic ritudl\ l'or remem
bering ind h-onoring a member \{ho hd\ dierl Fo' insrance rn Catholi
cism,-survivom ma, request that a mass be said to commemomte the
anni;ersary of a loved one's death. In Judaism, a specidl ceremony is
held to place the heaalstone on a grave a year following a death,-and
familv members recite the Kaddish prayer both on annive$aries of the
death and on certain holialays. Such rituals are lime-bounded and space-
boundeal. allowing for the expression of grief and loss in a manner lhat
simulfaneously facilitates ongoing life
Nations or communities may create healing rituals to deal wjth the
Iosses sustained by war' A contemporary example is the vietnam war
memorial in Washington, D.C., which provides an ongoing healing riF
jn the war
ual as family members and friends who lost men and women
come, final their person's name on the wall, and n'nke rubbings to carry
back home. thu; affirming their owfl personal loss while connecting
with a larger community Such ffips to the wal1 are often referred to as
-pilgrimages.'
' More ricentlv. in thc Amencan gay communit). a healing nlual betsan
with the creation of a quilt consisting of individually made patches -to
commemorate penons;ho have died of AIDS. Each patch is made by
, ner\on who ir. losr..,meone and conlarn' personal qho eipression: de
rrlrned ro capture some e\<enlial aspecl ol the person died' Here'
rhi ch,'rcc oia quill. radler rhan. lor rn'lance. x paintinS. ma] be 'een
ro s\mbolize lhe po"ibililie. ol \tarmrh a\ailable throuBh 'urvi!or\'
.onne.rion with eaih,,thcr. lhu. allirming lile e\en in lhe lace ollerrible
58 RITUALS IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY THERAPY
death. This painfully unfidshed ritual funcrions on multiple levels to
memorialize each person who has died, to connect a community that is
grieving together, and to serve as a stark and visual reminder to the
broader community of the magnitude of loss.
HEALTNG RTTUALS AND TEE THERAPEUTTC PROCESS while prescribed heal-
ing rituals to deal with the loss of a person th$ugh death do exist, the
connection of these ituals to the needs of a particular penon or family
may be missing. For example, in contemporary society, a eulogy may be
given by a clergy person who barely knew the deceased, and the funeral
ritual, per se, may be a hollow ritual. Since most people now die in
hospitals rather than at home, the ea.lier proximity with death and loss
as part of the human life cycle has all but disappeared, making healing
more difficult to accomplish. Thus, a therapist may find that the healing
process rcgarding the loss of member through death has been blocked
and replaced by symptoms that function to odent attention away from
the need for healing. Here symploms may also connect to unacknowl-
edged and unhealed losses in previous generations (Walsh, 1983). Them-
peutic healing dtuals may be designed to begin to deal with such losses,
particularly if normative healing d[a1s have either not occurred or have
been insufficient to deal with the complex personal and inteipefional pro-
cesses connected to death. Losses in a family, including pregnancy loss,
suicide, sudden, violent or unexpected death, may especially call for
therapeutic healing dtuals. Such rituals must rcspect the magnitude of
the loss, and should sensitively involve the client in their cocreation.
BRIEF EXAMPLE RETURNTNC HO\4E. A young woman, Carolyn Bell, 28,
came for therapy, complaining of "never being able to finish anything."
She had dropped out of college after two years, and had since had a
series ofjobs at which she felt unsuccessful. She lived alone, having left
two rclationships since college. ln the first session, she said, "everywherc
I look in my life, things are incomplete." When we did her genogram
together, I found out that her mother had died unexpectedly when Car-
olyn was 14 and about to gmduate from junior high school.
She told me that she had been so distraught that fhe family doctor
recommended that she not be allowed to attend her mother's ftrncral. as
it would be "too upsetting," and that her father followcd lhis irdvice.
Shortly after her mother's death, her father sold the horrc lh(.y livcd in
to ncighbors and moved the family 1() be near his r)w!l llx)lh(r so that
she could help him with childrearing. Carolyn (li(l rr)l nllcrxl lrt r irni{)
high graduation. and the entire evcnl wils losl, \ llx llrrily wr\ (rughl
up in gricl'and in lhc dclails of nrovin!1. (lIr)lyrr w1l,., sIrl,l! rr11rllr(l iD
RITUAL THEMES IN FAM]LIES AND FAMILY TIIERAPY
the new high school and expected to funciion. Very quickly, teachers
began to complain that she was not finishing her homework, bul she was
given a lot of understanding due to her mother's deat}l. She began to
think of herself as "a person who doesn't finish things " During high
school, Carolyn asked her falher twice if she could go visit their old
house. Both times he declined, saying it would be "too upsetting for
her." After that she stopped asking. Seemingly, thc past was to be scaled
off. During our conversation, Carolyn said she believed that her inability
to finish lhings was connected to her mother's death and all that hap-
pened affer, but that since this was all in the past she did not know what
to do about it. I asked her to consider what she lelt most "unfinished"
about from that period of her life and sajd that we would discuss this the
next session. I said that she could do this consideration in any way that
seemed appropriate for her, but that I would suggest thai she carcfully
rcview each aspect of that tin,Ic, including her mother's death, the funeral
she missed, the graduation she missed, leaving her house, moving to a
new area, and not being able to rett}m lo the old house She soriled and
said she wasn't sure she could complete lhe task, bu1 that she would tly
Carclyn retumed and told me that she had decided to carefully sludy
each aspect ofthat time on a different day, teeling that she would at lcast
complete a po ion each day. She said the task had been very Painful and
that she had beell tempted to stop but didn'i. She told me that she had
decided IhaI she felt most unfinished aboul the house she had lived in
and no{ been allowed to lrturn to as a teenager. This disconnecijon liom
her home seemed to be a very vivid melaphor for disconnection in other
areas of her life. ln a very moving discussion, she said that she knew a
lot of people visited cemeteries, but that she felt more of hel mother's
prcsence and of her relationslip to her rnoiher was in that housc We
began to talk of what it would mean for her 10 relurn there lor a visit.
Between the second and third sessions, Carolyn did a 1ot of work. She
spoke to a friend about the old house and discovered lhal it had been
sold again to people she did not kno$,. She managed to get their name
and phone numher, but had not called them yet- She wondered iI hcr
father would be anBry wjlh her if she went back to see the house. As we
talked, it seemed as if Carolyn still related to her father as if she were a
teen, and thal, indeed. their relationship had nol matured aller hcl moth_
er's death, but rather had become frozen in 1ime. She decided that she
wanied to tell her father that she planned to visit tbe old house and to
invile him to come if he wished.
Between the third and fou(h sessions, Carolyn contacted the people
who owned the house, explained why she wanled lo visit the house, and
seclrrcd their conscnt to do so. She still fell scared about her faiher's

RITUALS ]N FAMILIES AND F,{MILY THERA?Y
rcsponse. I coached her to thank her father for his protectiol ofher when
she was younger. mther than to exprcss anger at him, which a former
therapist had encouraged. Carolyn ther said that perhaps she had been
prctecting him, too, since not finishing her schoolwork and other chores
had distracted him fiom the pain of his loss. I suggested that, sirce she
was an adult now and since 14 years had passed, perhaps neither needed
so much protection now.
By the fiflh scssion, Carolyn had spoken 1() her fatler and had inviled
him to see the old house with her. He declined, but said he undentood
that she would want to do so. He also gave her several photogmphs that
had been taken in the house and which they had not looked at since her
molher's death. She brought the photographs to the session and we
looked at them together. Several were of her mother obviously enjoying
this home. Carolyn cded ancl said she had seen no photographs of her
molher for so many years. Towards the end of lhe session, she said she
was ready to go see the house by herself. I suggested that she might
want to take some new photographs of the house.
Crrolyn rcturned in a monlh. She had been to the house and walked
thrcugh each room- She drew a piciure for me of the floor plaD of the
house. and we talked about what she rcmembered- The memodes were
bolh happy ones and painful ones. replacing her earlier sense that the
past only contained pajnfut memories. She had also taken a photograph
of the outside of lhe house. 11 looked quite different ftom when she had
lived there, as the owners had done some remodeling. She said lhis upset
her at lirsl. but that she rcalized that, oI course, things must change. She
felt prcud of herself for going and for talking to her father about it after-
wards. She said she wanted to take some time to consider all that had
happened and that she would call me. I was left wondering if therapy
was not "unfinished." but decided to wait and see.
Carolyn called me in four months. During thal time, she had made
one nrcre tdp lo see the house with her father accompanying her. They
cried togelher for the firsl time. She had decided to reenter college and
had made application and been accepted- She had never before been able
to lbcus on what she wanted to do with her life. but had decided since I
had scen her last to follow a strong interest in anthrcpology. Shs said
hcr scnse of herself as a person who "cou]d not finish things hrl(l 'lilded
In this casc. Carolyn and I cocreated lhc hcrling ritorrl ()l Ix r rclrrrDing
hoDrc. Rithcr thaD assumc that whal was |ctlrrir'ul wrrs. li)r irrslrrrrcc. .I
ccnlclcry visil, I carclirlly lbllowed hcr (li1111i(xr nrrrl srrv( (l In irrrntily ns
r c()nch rlD(l ls u pcr|ton lo whonr sllc (rnrkl r( ltr)ll lr,1 I'wrr rlrvrlt'l)rrnrlts.
.lusl ls t)lliI flr(l loss trrc intcrrs('ly lxrnnrrrl rrrxl IIIIII!IIIIIIIL v' is lhc
I
RITIIAI, THEMES ]N FAMILIES AND FAMILY THERAPY
healing of pain and loss. Thus, while lherc are cetain symbolic actions
that appear common to many healing dtuals, such as lisiting a grave,
burying, buming, etc., the particulars must be highly indivjdualized to
suit the rcquirements of the person or the family. In this therapy. I dis
tinctly chose to underylay Carolyn's view of hoself as a "person who
doesn't finish things" and rcfocus on an opportunity for her to choose to
finish a very ciucial iime of her life and lo move on with a sensc that
she no longer fleeded to seal off the past, but could carry aspects of the
past with her in a new way. Since unresolved loss frequenlly functions
in ways that keep people anchored in the past, even when they are work-
ing very hard to deny the past, and prcvent a sense of present and future
development, healing rituals are often designed to provide a iemporal
connection of past, present. and future.
THERAPEUTTC ITEALING RrrU,{LS FOR OTHER LOSSES. Healing may alSO be
needed for losses rcsulting from the incparable break in a rclationship,
such as separation and divorce or the end of nonmarried relatioDships.
In Westem culrurc, there are no agreed Lrpon riluals to mark the end of
a mar.iage and to facilitate the healing that is needed to reestablish one_
self or to promote a new kind of relatjonship between spoLrses after the
end of a madage, especiaily necessary when they will remain as parents
to children. One clienl cynically commented that going to court rras her
divorce ritual, and that the couit experience left her feeling bitter and
empty. There are also no dtuals to ease the way lor extended family
relatronships in cases of divorce,
Cetain religions do have rcligious divorce rituals, as, for instance, Ihe
Jewish 8sr. Granted by rabbinic authority, and marking the end of a
mariage as that which occurs within tbe context of a larger community.
the ser involves the actual tearing of the mariage confac( or tetu&d,
which is usudlly a very beauiiful document decorated with hand_drawn
Therapeutic healing rituals are cspecially efticacious for the end of
relationships that are not conlimsd by the wider conmuniiy. The end
of a nonmarried relationship not only has no healing ritual, but also often
is not acknowledged as a loss by family and fliends, or is considered
"less serious" than a divorce. This very lack of confirmation of loss
makes healing more difficult, as there is no context for the exprcssion of
pain and sadness.
For both divorce and the end of nonmaried rcladonships, therapeutic
healirg iluals frequently begin with an afTirmation of loss and then lead
to a gradual process of letting go that carelully lespects the clienl's pace.
Very ollcn, pcriods ol holding on are symbolically alternated with pcri
 'p

RITUAL THEMES IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY THERAPY 03

69 RIIUALS IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY THERAPY

ods of letting go, enabling the client to examine both aspects and to
determine thJpace. Symbolic action, such as burying or buming metaphors
for the old reiationship may be utilized to symbolize finality when the
client indicates a readiness fo{ such finality.
Therapeutic healing rituals may be efficacious for losses of bodily
pafis and funclions due to illness and the often attendant loss of roles' life
ixpectations, and drearns. The lack of any such rituals that can acknowl-
edge the losses and beBin to facilitate altematives has been hypothesized
as a contributory factor in the rapid deterioration of older people who
suffer multiple unmoumed losses. Here healing rituals should involve
aspects that mourn the loss while simultaneously pointing to what is
possible in the future.
Therapentic healing dtuals may be designed for deep cultuml losses,
such as the losses due to migration. Here the healing rituals may be
designed both to jncoryomte unrecovemble aspects of life, such as when
a p"ison or family cannot return to the country of birth, and to make
oruoing cross-cultuml connections possible through affiming memories,
tnditions, stories.

tsI'IEF EXAMPLE EL SA]-VADOR AND THE BRONX, A fAMilY, CONSiStiNg Of A

single mofher, Ms. Tores, and two adolescent children, a boy, Manuel,
15, and a girl, Maria, 13, were rcfeffed for therapy due lo the so['s
problems in school. In recent weeks he had begun cutting school and
iranging out on the streets. The family was from El Salvador, which they
had fled fbur years earlier following the impdsonment and subsequent
death of the father for political activities The children spoke English,
while the mother spoke primarily Spanish. They werc living in the Bronx.
sessron, the mother said that they had been very close,
In the first
both in E1 Salvador and during the firsl two years in the Bron-\, but that
now they werc distant. She said she could not understand her children
aDymore. and that she was very afraid of losing them, especially her son.
Th; children both stated that they could no longer understand their
mothcr. They said they wanted to be American and that she wanted them
lo be S.rlvadoran. They were angry that she had not learned morc En-
glish, and the son said, "My mother lives in the past!" While the children
;poke, the mother cried. When they finished, she said thal thcy refused
t; listen 10 her when she wanted to talk about homc Tho sorr irrmedi-
tely said, "Home is in the Bronx now!"
Thcy described a daily patlern in which lhc nx)lhcr wr)lll(l lry lo spcak
rhort El Salvador. and bolh childrcn w(rLlld l(xlvc, Wl['ll llxf children
t c(l t() trlk irhout whirl wlls haPponinF to lll.lll rvrlyrilly, lll(f lnothcr
woukl Bcl ulscl. Mothcr rtnd chil(l11'll wrlc h('rl,lllllrg rrrrrlr'lln(l nn)re
FIGURE 2,3 The Tore! Fahillr El Salvador and the Bronx
separate. At the same time, the chilalrcn's carc and conoem fbr their mother
became evident when the coDversation shifted to their dend father. as
both children moved swilily to protect their mother, changing the subject
to issues that would upset her in more manageable ways! Thus, the chil-
dren's seeming refusal to affirm their connection to El Salvador not only
exFessed faidy typical adolescent rebelUon in situations of migration, but
also served a protective function, albeit misguided, to keep their mother
angry rather than sad.
At lhe end of the session. I asked them all to bdng iaems to the next
session that would rcpresent El Salvador and the Bronx, in order to begin
a process that would affirm the connection oI all firee members to both
places. In the second session. time was spent with each member sharing
thei items. The mother was surprised that both children brought items
from El Sah,ador that represented very tender memoies, including pho-
tographs and toys. She said thnt she had no idea thar they had kept any-
thin& Their items tom the Bronx were a rock and roll tape and a poster
from a concert. The son e{prcssed surprise thai this did not upset lis
molher. since ai homc thcy frequenlly lbught about the music the chil
 RIII AL5 IN |AMIL]] 5 C\D I A\4]I Y
dren wanled to hear. The mother broughl Salvadoran food she had made.
She also brought a small pizza that she had bought to Iepresent the
Bronx, and said that lately the childrcn were always eating pizza instead
of the fbod she prepared. We sat and ate both the Salvadoran food and
the pizza together.
At the end of this session in whjch bolh cultures were alfirmed by all
family members, I asked thcm to pick a lime once a week for "storytelling,"
when the children would listen to their mother's stories about El Salvador,
foltowed hy the mother's listening to the children's stories about the
Bronx. This storytelling ritual was designed to intcrdict the previous pat-
tern of distance and struggle, to affirm both culturcs, to connect mother
rnd adolescent children. and to allow fbr continuity of pasi and present.
The family continued this storytelling dtual beyond the thlee weeks I
had asked them to try it, and it became a pal1 of thei family life. Over
ime, the stories allowed for the exprcssion of 111 of the members' loss
and sadness and fear involved in lheir fbrced migration, while at the
same lime anchoring them in a new life thal could include many ele_
menls of their heritage. Also, stories which the children told about the
Bronx enabled the son to begin to discuss his school problems, which he
hnd been afraid to raise with his mother earlier.
Thjs two-part dtual began wilh the family members' bringing the
items that represented El Salvador and the Bronx to the session. Duing
this insession portion, the mother was able to discern that her childrcn
werc still connccted to El Salvador and the children were able to realize
that their mother was nol closed to their new experiences in thc Bronx.
A small dose of symmetry was able to interdict the previously escalating
complementary pattem. The at-home storytelling ritual continued this
patlern shift. while allowing for the healing process needed in a faDily
that had been forced to flee their own home.
Therapeutic healing rituals 1() assisl families who have experienced
political terror will be discussed and illustrated in Chapter 15.
III]RAPEUTIC HEALING RITUALS I'OR RELATIONSHIP RECONCII-IATON, OVET
the course of adult couple relatioNhjps, parent child relalionships. and
close fiiendships. issues offorgiveness and reconciliation mry bc salient.
Extmmarital affairs, maniages or parent.child relalionships in which
yeaN of resentments have built up, and lhc cmcrSuncc (n 11)n8_hcld se_
crcls all may be limes when theripclrtic hcrrling riltrrlls irr'( lrselirl l_lcre
srch rituals tnay bcgin a px)ccss ol linSivrn(ss llnrl rrrr)rl(ilixli( or
rnily mark thc ccoorplishnlcnl ol rcc(nrt ililliorr' rr\ ill Ilx (rrst ol'lhe
Korlrcr hInily. in which thc riltulls rrrrtr{t rl tlrr' rr'r ,rrtr ilirrti, rrr ol lltrshrtnrl
iI)(l wilc. llD(l lnlhcr nrxl sorr.
THTRAPW RITLTAL THEMES JN FAMIL]ES AND FAMII-Y THFRAPY 65
BRrEF EXAMPLLT PARENT-CHrLD RricoNcrlrATroN. The Simpson iamily.
consisting of two elderly parcnts, George. 74, and Carrie, 73, and two
grown daughters, Catherine, 48. and El]en, 47, who lived separately from
the parents, came io therapy due to the mother's compulsive handwashing.
The relafionship between parents and daughters seemed stiff and frozen.
The mother's handwashing was the only topic family members would
discuss with each olher. Members werc distant from one another. Duinc
the course ofthe thempy with the older couple, a 4o-year secret emergedl
Before the couple had manied, the woman had become pregnant, and
they were sent away by their families of origin. After lhe first daughter
was born, the couple ma.ried. No family came to their wedding, and
they felt they hd maffied in shame. They had no wedding celebration
and no cclebration for the biflh of their daughter. They decided it would
be best to keep the origins of Iheir marriage a secret from tlreir children.
They avoided anything that would touch on this secret- Thus. they never
celebrated their anniversary. Morc and more topics became off 1imi1s,
until only the mother's handwashing was snfe for discussion. The couple
was increasingly cut olT from extended family and the outside world_
Until discussing this secret in therapy, they had told no one, although
they believed that, in tact, their daughters knew and were pretending nor
to know in order to protect them.
An in-session healing dtual of reconciliation was cocrcated by the
i
couple and me. fhe) invired lheir ddughler\ ro .e..ion and broughr
Irt(;liRlt 2.,+ rhe Sinrpson Fnnrily: Pa.cnt Chikl Re.onciliutbn
 RITUAL THEMES ]N FAMILIES AND FAM]LY THERAPY ii7
R]TUALS IN FAMIL]ES AND FAMILY THERAPY

MaDy faDily traditions and celebmtions touch on issues of identity.

,\ rnboL oi rheir weJJrna, including lhe 'ndniage licen'e u hrch the) had
Biflhday pades involve the identity theme, as they include aspecls that
Leur hidden in lhe bollo-m ol xn ol; llunk lor rrearly h,ll a cenltrr] ' The
symbolically allude to the change in age and development of a person.
.eisior ua. compri.cJ ol crch pdrenr'' lelling Ihe daughler( lherr 'l"r).
In my own family, we celebrate my daughter's adoption every year with
As the parcnts spoke, the daughters cried and said they had known this
an adoption day whose specific contenl varies year to year, enab]ing tbe
lor ve.r^ i'nd h,d irlwa\ s lell \o lcrrihle lhJl lhe) could nol dlsctr"
'c.ret aftmation ofher growth and development to be an element in the ritual.
ir uirh rhi prrtnts. bur lclr Lhrr il wotrld be urong lo bring rl up Al'ler
For instance, when she was very young, her adoption day was marked
rhc prrenl. lold lheir .lory rnd li.lened lo lheir duughtet' tetp^n\es.
by a family paty at home. As she has grown into a young woman, she
m.Iri rssue- rhat hu.l n<\er been discu\'cJ begrn ro pour "ur' The shole
has selected special ways to mark this celebration, such as going to din-
fimiiy's reconciliation of relationships was fufihel marked by the parents'
ner and a show with family members. Unlike a birthday pafty, this tual
nrh'couent (elebrJlion ol lheir dnni\er'ir\ lor lhr lirtl rrmc in olmo\l
is attended only by family members. This ritual. which also contains the
5u yelr.. lScc lmber Black. lq8ob. lor " complcle de\cnplion ui lhi'
membership theme, celebrates her identity as an adopted person and as
case.)
a daughter and a sister in our family.
In this case. the bcginnings of reconciljation between parents and chil
Family religious and ethnic celebrations may contribute to a sense of
dren occurred iD an in-session siorytelling rirual, in which symbols of a
identity. Here specific foods, dress and ceremonies may serve to syrnbol-
formerly forbidden past were brought out into the open. After this oc_
ize the identity theme. Such celebrations define an individual's identity
curred, other lialden issues were able to emerge as well, replacing the
ds pan of l] larger cullural gmup. ln lhe mulli elhnrc .ocrel) ol Lhe I nired
pattern of distance with one of involvemenl. The parents' reclamation of
States, pafticipation in such rituals as the Chinese New year or Greek
iheir own annivenary ritual may be seeD as a punctuation of the reconcil_
Orthodox Easter allow even highly assimilated persons to stay connecled
iation process-
to thejr ethnic and religious identity.
Cultural rituals, such as Veteran's Day, Mother's Day, and Fatheas
lrlentit,\' Delinition dnd Reddinilion Day, all involve the identity theme, as rhese mark and celebrate particu-
lar aspects of people's identities. Alcoholics ADonymous meetirgs in-
Individuals, families, and larger systems are known to themselves and
volve a ritualized pmcess that may conrribule ro a person's identity as a
olhers through particular identities. Such identities may be positive,
"recovering alcoholic." Such aclivities as adopted persons' searching lor
broad, nnd fGxible, or they may be negative, nanow, and constraining
their biological parenrs, or historical genealogy searches to discover
Normati\'e rituals in families facilitale shifts in identities for both indi
one's origins, or making distant lrips to countries where one s ancestors
viduals and families. Thus, a wedding operates not only [o rcdeiine fiem
came ftom frequently take on identity definition and redetinition ritual
bcrship, buI also to redefine identities, as two individuals become husband
qualities, as prescribed sleps are followed, including rcclairning one's
rnd r:ife and several family members becone in_laws. A rite of passage
"rcots" and reunions.
ritlral. such as a bar or bas mitzvah, is intended to change the identity of
r peNon from child to young adult with new responsibilities wilhin the IDENTITY RITUAIS AND THE THERAPEUTIC PROCESS FAMiIiCS MAV TCifV the
Jcwish community. A colleague told me a story of matking this change
rdenliry ol lheir members. Thu.. d paniculrr memberlnal te Ln"tin in
in i.lcntity by having her children pick ncw bedroom furniture on $e
a family as "the stubbom one" or "the sick child" or "the one with a
occrsion af their bar mitzvah in order to nctaphorically exPrcss the shift
temper" or 'lust like father." Children may be labeled with compiementary
l'r)n child 1() young duft. The children were told lo Pick lhu llrnilure rcles, such as "bad" child and "good" child. Mernbers may strive for
lhrt lhcy thought they would like to take with thc whcD llrcy lcli home, particular identities and become unhappy when these prove impossible
thus connectin=g the current lit'e cycle rnd idcDlily cl)nrrI( l(' rr lilrrrc one
to reach.
in which thcirldentily wotrld rgaiD shili, lhis lirrr( tr) irr(lrlxrr(l(rrl irdull.
whcn the children lcli honrc Lrn(l l(n)li lhc lir rilrrrc $'illr llr(rrr. tlrt prr RRrErr EXAMpLE BEcoMtNo 'lMpFRFEcT" pARENls A family consisting of
cnts wore lhcD visihly clnrli(ntlfil willl Ilx rllllrrl'( ill Ilrr'ir rrwrr i(l(rrlitics
two parcnts, Mr. and Ms. Ellis, and two adopted childrcn, Andy, I I and
lionr pillcrrls ol (hil(lrcn ilt llrnrr( l() ll corrl)lt'witlr l'rrnvrr r'lriIltctr who Calhy, 11, crDrc to l{lmily fierapy due 10 problems with Andy. The par.-
rx) l(nrgcr'livr(l nl h{)rnr.
 RI NJAI S IN I AMILIL! A"JD I AT'I II Y THER APY
ents saial they found him hard to manage, that he misbehaved at home
and at school. Ofter Andy would not tbllow rules. He frequently got into
fights with other children, iflcluding Cathy. The parents felt that Andy
w;s fie "instigalor" of these fights, and they described how Cathy would
come and teli them when Andy was "picking on her." They did noi
attribute the problems to Andy's adoption, since Cathy was also adopted
and she waia "very good girl." During this discussion' the team ob-
served that Cathy was smiling, while quietly kicking Andy under tablel
The parents wire rcligious and felt that they had a special responsibility
to be 'lerfect parents" to these children whom they had adopted. This
pressur; of being "perfect parents" seemed to be contributing to their
iunent upset, since they felr that Andy's behavior was a sffong indica-
tion that ihey were far from "pedect parents." Thus, they felt bad about
themselves ;nd about Andy. Their confidence seemed to be eroding ev-
ery dme Andy misbehaved, and they felt less and less able to handle him.
'During
fie second session, the team suBgested that perhaps Andy,
-his
through misbehavior, was trying to teach the parents that theydid
nol n;ed to be "pe ect parents " During this discussion, Andy smiled'
The parcnts were asked io stage a mock fight between the children, in
whicir they were io instxct Andy to start and Cathy to come and tell
them that he was picking on her. At this point, the parents were to say
to both children.
;Tlank you lbr leaching us that we don't need to be
perfect parentsl"
I rt( it t{|:.5 lh.lllli\ lir(lilv lnrrrrrlrI lrrrtrrlr,r" l'fr]1rli
zuTUAL THEMES IN FAMIL]ES AND FAMILY THERAPY
The family returned in a month. They began by rcporting that Andy
was doing much better in school, that he had made several friends. and
that the children were fightjng less. The mother said rhey had decided
against the mock fight, but that every time Andy did something that
upset her, she simply said to herself, "Thank yolr fbr teaching me that I
don't have to be a perlect parent," and then went about her business.
The father then described an arnazing dtual, planned and executed by
the childrcn, under Andy's leadenhip. The parents had come home from
their church lwo weeks earlier to find their house filled with neighbors.
The children had made snacks for everyone. On the wall as they walked
into the house was a huge sign that read, "Happy Parents' Day To Our
Imperfect Parentsl" The father got tears in his eyes and said, "I just had
no idea. I had no idea he was so creative," and both parcnts went on to
describe aspects of Andy they had been noticing that they had not noticed
before-
This therapeutic jdentity ritual was originally designed to offer a new
identity to the parents, and in so doing to interdict the escalating patterns
belueen parenr. and \on and amonEl brolher. .i.ter and prrent.. uhich
frequently culminated jn Andy's misbehaving, the parcnts' feeling increas
ingly bad about themselves as parents, and Cathy's owning the position
of "good child." Andy's own creativity and sense of humor and plav,
which became available as pattems shifted, added a depth and richness
to the ritual that continued the expansion of membels' idenities with
self and others.
Child€n born following a significant loss in a family may be expecled
to follow a parlicular identity and embody qualities of the dead relative.
Often behavior that does not fit Ihe role goes unobserved or unnoticed.
Therapeutic identity rituals may be designed in order to help differentiate
the individual from the dead relative. Such riruals. which ofteD involve
specific affirmation of qualities rhat are no, associated with the dead
relative, affect both individual and family functioning.
A similar issue frequently arises in divorced families when a parent
insists that a particular child is'Just like the other parent," usually in
negative ways. Unfinished aspects of the old marital contlict begin to
emerge between parent and child, freezing the individuals and the system
in its development. Aspects of the child that differ from this definition
go unseen. Here a therapeutic identity ritual may be designed that high
lights holh the child's uniqueness and ways that the child shares traits of
both pilrents.
Larger systems may contribute to nanow and consffaining identities,
as when schools describe children as "just like his brother" or "children
fioln .r broken homc." Relerrals fbr therapy may identify a family as a
 R]TI]AL THEMES IN FAM]]-IES AND FAMTI,Y THFRAPY
RI'II]ALS IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY THERAPY
The thempy team decided that a more symbolic and dramatic ap-
''l,onelesscir.e. An rndirrdu.rl s or famil)'' iJentil) is'ub'umed rnd proach was needed. The family was asked to come to a session and to
lolrji/ed b\ a phrd.e lhal carrie' \tilh il implicalions lbr 'ub'equenl
rn_
bring the remaining medication. The session began as the thempist gave
'"tirr' end expectationslamrlies :rre limircd in therr 'en'e ol idenrir) bv
rcrxctions out to each member index cards titled, "Old Roles." These included "hy
,"ai' -Ll pemctive girl," "busy mother of a hyperactive girl," and "distant father
ri-'ili". Ul .iigrlri/ing l"bels Physical anJ meqral illne"e' dnd
'Jiirr.
of a hyperactive girl." The family members agreed that these indeed
iiroi'r*,,,", J".tiroels lh'al liequenrl) runction to deline a per'on '
possibilities borh Jor the were their roles. The therapist asked if they felt ready to give these up,
i,i""lit"'i, ,"r." ,ri^t limit ratber than expand be use- even though it was not yet clear what might take thei place, and the
,nJ'rot ,.tn,ion'hip'. while diagno'lrc caretorie'rrtay
ind tre) members agrced that they werc more than ready to tly something new.
'iri;' 'irut
i,ri ri.' ..,rain rreatment plonning and implementdlron $hrle
e\labll\nment ln our The therapist then invited the girl to burn the index cards. She did so
hd\e becurne a required c'pecr ol lhe lherapeutic very carefully and put the fire out. The ashes werc then mixed with the
cullurc. lherapi.l. mu'l irl$a)' rcmembel lhdl label' become lo\lc when
rcmainder of the futalin and put into a Iarge envelope, which the family
,f,.i .,* ,na""r",'a lo 'aplu;e lhe es-ence ol a per'on or a lami,ly
\ligmalr/rng Iabel\ ano then buried, while the therapist witnessed their ceremony.
it identjl\ nlurl' lunclion lo remo\e
",.,n.ur,. b) Lhe vlilan leam Six weeks later the girl had to have minor surgery. The mother re-
.nJt. ni* 'a.n,i,i".io
emerge. Ihe nrual Lle'igned
ported that she was an excellent patient, both in the hospital and at home.
i" *f,i.l'r rrrlfr ur- in'rrLritea to lhro\ a\ a) lheir 'on ' melli'alion The school was Eeating her as a nolmal child and disciplining her like
"
$,hilr rellinq hrrn lh.l he wa' r nomrl boy i' un e\xmple ol cn loenlrt)
rcdelinilion-rirurl \Seltinr Palx//oli Bo'colo Ceechin & Prala
lc//'' other childrcn when necessary. Mother was looking for work outside the
and famjly-larger system home and father was more involved with both his wife and daughter.
i,"l iit operaie at an individual, tumily, The parents agreed that theh daughter was simply a nonnal child who
lcvel. "rt
sometimes did naughty thinSs (Imber Coppersmith, 1982).
Therapeutic identity definition and redefinition rituals are especially
Rr{lEF Ex.\MpLE HYPERACTJVE To NoRMAL BUT NAUGHTY' The Wel1s
-FLoM per useful for families and individuals with severe or chrcnic illness or other
i",i,iri."." i",r,"rlv pre\enrrng rheir Il-year-old
'laughrer -a"hl disabilities. In such instances, the person's whole identity may become
.^,rire. ftecirl hrd been 'o labeled loreightyear' lheliunll) consr(r qho fused with the illness or disability, such as "cancer patient" and "AIDS
rnc ol l\ o D;renlc and lhe chilLl. \ a\ relercd by her pedialncran vicdm." Other aspects of the person may become lost. In a television
hid bcen oie'noing Rirlrlin lor lhe !irl bul felt ir vr'd' lime lo e\plore movie about Down syndrcme, "Kids Like These," the boy, 11, with
;;;;;;;;' in ,r.! t,,u '.";on ir became clear rhar all inreracrion\
"i,r,,f" *ii',."f'"a ter label of 'hyperccti\e 5he \ta\peraclivil)
no( Jrsciplined
II
i.r'ri'iit a, i", .i,r,"t ,l home or 'ihool due to her h) ' The
*,,,fi.r.0.r, d l,,l ol lrme going lo ippoinlmenr' wilh her ddughler'
* t ,i. t"tire, remr,ncd di'tdnl lrorn bolh molher Jnd child
i*ii"e-iL"r \llriou. oprion' $ilh rhe Pirl \tere nor berng lried,lhe
,..,,,,.uc-se'lcd in e\periment-lhe pdrenl\ \ ele lo drop lhe laDel or
:i,",,"ruii'" l,r rhree ueek. and lo tredl heras Ihey \"'^uld rre'I d nor
rnore invol\cd
,;,it'.;;u. A, it,i. ;rn.tu,". the rdlher began ro become
fhc ocdi:rtrici"n Jgrecd Io a lrial !tilhout Rilrlin' Th( Frrcnl\ qent Corcerned lar8er sy3tcmsr

,,'',,,i'",lrr...fr*i lhe e{nerimcnlrrr'l l. ir\l li'r rh( rc:rch-

l'.'f J,,.,r"r",1"" lhi.'".\plain .lirccr xnfn'xrlr' \\lri(lr rrrt.l\t'l (\llrining
'er1 t'' lr'xl brr'l\rx\l ' l"lh'$ed
,,, ,t ,it"ri'-,r,. r"*iUtc "i t 't" "htptuctire"
"
l,' '' "lr'"*' l:lt irn'rh(r "ttc'''
rlll('l \(r) rrl\rr' \rr\i'rl rh'rr Il. r\ltrirrr'rrr
,,l",rti"r. rhr'1ill u.rs rrri*1":ir:'rirrJl rltl rln lrrln r w'r' r'errl1 t" FIGURE 2,6 Tho wells Family: Frcm Hyperactive to Normal.
"'.,.,'"i
givc np.
 RTTUAL THEMES IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY THERAPY
RITUALS IN FAM]LIES AN'D FAMILY T}IERAPY

gr!e5 lectures for the girl by designjng and implementing a plan for her to ''broaden
Doun .\rrJrome. $ho appear\ frequenll) \thite hi\ molher her food repefioire." As the parents redefined their own identity as "ex-
;;".';aren'.. tlinxll\'sn)' ru he; l m sicl' and Ired ol all rhi' Doun
i' more rhan hi' perts on their daughter,' they fired the dietician when she criticized their
..r rir"r! .irir:. .-oi.*rirg hi' own ronr icrron rhat he
plan and tried to put Sandra on a differcnt plan. This was the first time
l;bel.
"ihe that the parents saw themselves as people who could challenge outside
in
L'Arche Commllnity, an inteDtional community with chapte$ authority. In the final session, a second family and therapis! dinner was
persons wjth hafldicaps and persons without
-r;;;il;
';-1;rii6i"r. involving
rwi"giogerher. utilizet'ereral riruals u hose principdl
held. DuriDg this meal ritual, a discussion of the future resulted jn the
or humcn beinE rJther family's redefinition of Sandru as a girl who would become a woman
;;; i'-,;;;" i# "iirriiciianr' 'r irn rhe iaenrrr) lg84l' and a lawyer- rather than a girl who would sooD die (Imber-Black. 1986a).
itun crn,irrinine lrbel' llmber-Copper5milh
" "of"rl The idemity definition and redefinition theme is furlher exemplilied
i,rifi *.rber rccover' lrom a 'enou\ illnesc rhe member
ln addi- in the chapten on adoption (Chapter 8), illness (Chapter 9), and families
J'i;;;,;; i;r,lv . idenrir) mav rlso need ro be re'lefined
require redefi- and political oppression (Chapter 15).
i.r,'ir,"'i^. v;. i"ir,ionship io laiger systems may also
nition.
BelieJ Expression and Negotidtion
BRIIJIJ EXAN{PLE TTIE THERAPIST COMES
I'O DINNER (CON'I']NUT]D)' IN thE
Normative rituals ftequently function 1() express beliefs and lo shape and
*;.;.;;;;r;lt a.*ris"a i, rhe membcr\hip theme 'ection abote $irh negotiate new beliefs. Religious and culiural rituals, in partjcular, allow
rhe liltle oirl who likeLl lrench lrres. bread 5nd milk ir 'xlrenl
r\sue In_
for the expression of a group's beliefs. Those rituals that rcmain alive
l';';';;;rr:';".ition in the fsmil) a' a chrld $ho nr' bom uith a
rhe lomil) rnterccr wirh man) and meaningful have space fol variations that express changing norms
-""".r;iJ rr.r,i ionditron. requirrng ihal and beliefs while affirming a connection to the past (see Davis. Chapter 7).
.,"i'"ii'i' i,". 't',",',' o'i'
,,i.1+ man) )exrs Her hean condirron'
The Passover Seder is an example of such a ritual. variations in the
, lherxp) en'ued conlnbuleo lo ner
ore.ted a \ear an.l a hcll belore Seder, among the three bmnches ofJudaism as well as in paticular fami
no'iLron a> a .hil.l in rhe lamil) f\en al-ler \rcce\\lul problem'
special -urgeD'
lies, allow fol the expression of both general and specil'ic beliefs. For
l'". i,["i"f ir't"]ti.r, rrrember (onli;ued due ro her ealing example, in a recent reform Judaism Haggadah (the book containing the
,,.a * b\ her molher. malemal Srandmolher' and dielician order of the Passover Seder), a fifth cup of wine has bccn added to the
.r\
"J.lrl"f.O
":rnore{ic.' In lhe fir.l se"ion. bolh patenls fredicled thal
\he \oulo
traditional four cups. This cup, called the "Cup of Redemption." is set
.' "'t,r"ri." and nould die in c couple ol year'' Here il ma). aside for the future, connecting those who celebrate the Passover with
ar rt . girl ' idenlitl a' a 'ick child \ ilh a conBenrral
"f'""nf,"t '
te oornltired-rt those who are still not free, thereby expressing lhe belief that the Seder
;.",i[;;;;,;;, Lr,,"ir.n"a r'' 'honen her lle had nerer been rede- per se is not simply a commemoration of a past event, but a Iiving cele-
out-
i'*a i,.ii""'"t r,"r.'rrger). l-unher' rhe lamil) s in\olvemenr.wilh lhe bration of preseDt and future as well (Bronstein, 1974). In many families,
\rLlc heloer. .onrinued. uilh ne$ helper' lacLllng eaung
including my own. following that pofijon of the Seder when the ten
']mplt hean condrlion' lhus lhe lrmrl) c oun oerlnr_
or.rblcm rorher rhin lhe plagues are recited, a time has been added for participants 1() e{press
ii,,",,i i,..ii". irrirl requiring "utsiLle help remained unchallengeJ'
as irn their beliefs about contemporary "plagues," such as racism, seism, pov-
I$o ritual, "
$ere u\ed rniliill) ro challenge lhe glrl s rdentll)
efiy, and war.
,,..",c. ,colocing rhi' qith c comm"n i'tmrl) idenlily (lrrrr( Ul Pr"ple $ho
As beliefs are expanded, altered, or challenged, new rituals may
h.vr'rirroiirer. the'e riluol' included lhe dinncr !l lh( \rullng
emerge or signif-icant aspects of existing rituals may chanSe. A vital ex-
irrrrlit *"rnners "lrtorires" cnd riirlrk(J li'\i' !v(rrrli{u'\cd ample may be seen in the Roman Catholic Mass following Vatican IL
,, i."rir,.,*J.i r, ht'rne Jinner riruJl u hr(h l"'1r{\l l'inr "rr rl(rrrcrnl'hor
"n"ft,ir '\nre\- While the Mass per se rcmained unchanged, the change fiom LaiiD to
.,,,",1i ,,.rr'.t ' di'likcd l"\l\ r\ ir prrrrrr\\rrtr fr\rru the vemacular and the change in the priest's position frcm one where
",^r,
lorlhL Ji:.u..i,,n,'l.rlh.r,lil'l(11r(ct irrlrl tlntrrrr rlx'Ir'rrr'lUrrrrrlt"rr "l
his back was to the congrcgation to one where the piest faces the con
ii,i.t'.iirit"J rr,,,.r to s(nnorlrirts nxnc I)nhrnl)lr Ilrrrrrr)rh rlx i('irrr oili)rrs
lnllr'' rrr('rrr''r(J gregalion cxcmplifics a change of belief regarding the parlicipalion of
,"',,",';l' rlrr.rrrrril tr'lr'rrli'r'rr"rrr"r'l' lhc lrity liorn passive rc active.
,r'r,,',,rj,], '".rr,r'.^.
i'i ,'"1r,",r r".."rli'lrr'l' rln ' " ' ' "
l
r r r r r r r r rr rr!"'rl.rrl'i'r''
74 RITUAIS IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY THERAPY
Certain cultures have riluals that are designed to negotiate beliefs be-
tween parties who cannot come to agreement. A colleague, John Rolland,
related such a ritual to me that clients had imparted to him. In an Aftican
tribe, the covers of cooking pots are used to negotiate conflicting beliefs
between a wife and husband. On occasions when a wife is angry wirh
her husband over differences between them, she will replace the usual
cover on the cooking pot with one upon which pictures have been en-
graved that express proverbs applicable to their conflict. The wjfe will
have a variety of such covers given to her by her mother when she mar-
des. When the husband sees the new cover, he understands the meaning
of the parlicular proverb and the issue being mised by his wife. At this
juncture, the husband has two choices. He can affiIm his wife's posilion
and apologize, or he can tum down her position by replacing the cover
his wife has placed with one of his own ftom a collection given to him
by his falher at his wedding. If the available covers are not sufficient to
se1t1e the differences or if they do not quite fit the situation, then the
couple may go to a specialist, a sculptor of new covers, and have one
made to order to addrcss the differences! In our own culture, many cou-
ples and families tum to therapists when they have run out of "available
pot covers" to deal with their conflicting beliefs.
BELIEF EXPRESSION AND NEGOTIATION RITUAIS AND TI{E THERAPEUTIC PROCESS,
Therapeutic belief expression and negotiation dtuals are especially use-
ful when clients present conflicting beliefs about a particular issue. They
may be manifesting such conflicting beliels through behavior, as when
one parent disciplines a child and the other parent protects a child, or the
conflict may be largely verbal, as when one member of a couple ex-
presses a wish to separate while the other exprcsses a wish to remain
together. Often family members ascribe badness or blzme to certain be-
liefs of members and goodness or conectness to other beliefs, usually
their own. Therapeutic belief expression and negotiation dtuals provide
an oppo unity for family membeN to hear and experience each other's
positions without blame, thereby creating a new conlext for relationships.
One example of the belief expression and negotiation theme may be
seen in the Milan team's rjtual "odd days and even days" (Selvini Palaz-
zoli, Boscolo, Ceechin, & Prata, 1978). In dris ritual, the Milan team used
time to draw a distinction between one parenCs approrch to a child's
behavior and the other parent's approach to the srrmo hohlvior, in fami-
lies where it appeared that the parents worr undcrlllining c ch other
while sending conflicling messagcs 1() thc child. l[ Nnah symmeffical
conuicts, each parent's way 01'hrndling lho .hll(l wls givon implicit
RITUAL THEMES IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY IHERAPY 75
credence by a ritual that gave each parent an equal number of days to
"be in charge," lvhile the other parent was to observe.
BRIEF EXAMPLE-TIIE THERAPIST coMEs ro DINNER (CoNTINUED). In the case
of the Wharton family, in which Sandm ate ftench fries, bread, and milk,
the mother believed that Sandm had a "big" problem, while the father
believed she had a "smal]" problem. These beliefs were expressed in
action by the mother's remaining at the dinner table every night, uging
Sandm to eat, while the father left to watch television. An early inteflen-
tion utilized was the "odd days-even days" ritual. When the family re-
tumed, they reported that "Sandra ate better on the nights when Dad was
in charge." The mother stated that she believed this was because it was
so different to have him involved and that she was glad for his involve-
ment. This dtual ultimately led to negotiations between the parents re-
garding the whole issue of parcnting, resulting in the emergence of a
new belief that two parents working togethe. were needed to solve the
problem.
Variations on this ritual ma) be creared ro expre(( and negotiate be-
Iiels in man) circumctancec. Urilizing time and acrion a( ley !ariables.
family members may be asked to behave and believe accordiflg to one
set of beliefs for a particular time pedod and another set of beliefs for a
different time period. This process intenupts endless symmefiical strug-
gles, allows members to listen to each other, promotes empathy, and
communicates fte therapist's belief that there is medt in both positions.
BRrEF EXAMPLE ENABLTNG a NEw coN\,aERsATroN. A couple, Mr. and Ms.
CollinB, came to therapy regarding a single issue. For four yeais they
had been split regarding whether or not to have a third child. The couple,
in their late thirties, had two children, ages seven and rline. Ms. Colling
wanted another child, while Mr. Colling did not. The spouses were very
committed to each other and felt that most areas of their mariage and
family Iife were sound.
They described the following pattem: Every few months, Ms. Colling
would raise the issue of having another child. She would present all of
the reasons why this was a good idea and what it meant to her. Mr.
Colling would respond with all of the reasons why having another child
was not a good idea and why he did not want another child. Ms. Colling
would then present answers to all of his objections. Each would become
I Naot to expres my appEcialion lo Karl Tomn. M.D., sidi whom I worked in collabondon on
vliiations of the Odd Doys Eren Drys" n$al
76 RITUAIS IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY TIIER{PY
more adamant and defensive as the conversation continued. Mr. Colling
would then withdraw and there would be distance and quiet anger be-
tween them that would last for several weeks. Each felt unheard by the
other on this crucial issue.
At the end of the first session. I asked them to have two conveNations
at home. Dudng one convenation they were each to discuss all of the
reasons why it would be a good idea ro have another child. Mr. Colling
was asked to suspend his usual position and to fully enter on his wife's
side of the issue- During the other conversation, they were each to dis-
cuss all of the reasons why it would be best to not have another child.
Ms. Colling was asked to suspend her usual position and to fully join
her husband's side of the issue. They were asked to choose a particular
time and place for fhese convemations, in order to highljght them as
special and unique. Such utilization of time as an element in belief ex-
pression and negotiation dtuals provides safety for the padcipants to
explore new territory, knowing such exploration will be for a limited
time.
When they rctumed, each expressed that they felt understood by the
other in a way that they had not previously felt. Ms. Colling said she
was extremely moved by what her husband had expressed regarding hav-
Mi. Colli^e "w@tt a 3d child"
FICItRU2T TheCollhS lhnrily:lrrrhllnl r Nfw (\rV(r'
RITUAL THEMES IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY THER{PY 71
ing another child and what his children and family meant to him. She
said she felt closer to him than she had in a Iong while. Mr. Colling
expressed surprise at how €learly his wife understood hjs present career
issDes, which he felt she had dismissed in their previous discussions of
the issue. Ms. Colling had also been able 10 express her own concems
about her aging and ill mother, a subject she had not previously raised
for fear it would be used by her husband as another reason not to have
a third child. They were able to begin to examine this very important
issue for the first time. While tbey had not reached a mutual decision
regading a third child, both husband and wife saw new qualities in the
other, parlicularly empathy and sensitivity, that were hidden by the pre-
vious pattem. The usual end to their discussion of the issue, distance and
anger, was rcplaced by a sense of connection. This conversation ritual
allowed each to present his or her own views without defensiveness, to
hear the other's views without distancing, ard to feel understood.
Variations on such a conversation ritual may be developed for situa-
tions where competing beliefs are deadlocked, whether between spouses,
other family members, a family and outside helpe$, or within an individ-
ual. Specilic action' ma) al\o be pan of lhe rilual. For inslanie. a sinBle
parent mother exprcssed her feeling of being caught between a school
system that was pushinB her to hospitalize her school-refusing adolescent
son and a family therapy prcgram which was counseling her to "go
slow." The school's belief was ftat he was a psychiatric patient, while
the family therapist's belief was that his behavior was related to family
issues. Unable to choose between the competing beliefs, she felt para-
lyzed and less and less capable. She was asked to divide up the week.
On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, she was to behave and believe
as if hospitalization were the best course of action. This was to involve
her calling people, getting infomation about the hospital, and relating to
her son as a patient. On Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays, she was to
take the position that no more treatment was needed. On these days she
was to review all of the treatrnent failures, which r\,ere considerable, to
cease convemations with those urging hospitalization, and to relate to her
son as a nornal boy who needed some time to think. She did the d1ual
as insEucted and decided not to hospitalize her son. (See Imber-Black,
1985, for a complete case description.) Perhaps even more important
than the content of the mother's irffnediate decision was the reemer-
gence of her ability to be active in a family-larger system configuration
in which she previously felt paralyzed and unable to express her own
beliefs.
When people become locked into seeing only their own belief as cor-
rect and other beliefs as wrong or blameful, humor usually disappears.
78 RITI]ALS IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY IHERAPY RITUAL THEMES IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY THERAPY 19

Belief expression and negotiation dtuals often ulilize humor in order to parent lamily and helpers all believe "single-parent families cannot func-
inlervene iD rigidities and facilitate problem-solving. tion well." Such rituals may follow family-multiple helper consultations,
or may emerge when a therapist discovers that a family is currently seeing
BRrEr ExaMpLE "MourHy" aND "EvrL," A young couple, Mavis and Ken multiple helpers or has seen many helpers in a serial fashion.
Sutter, came for couples thempy. Marded for fou. years, they felt unable
to discuss differcnces of opinion without getting into heated, prctracted, BRIEF EXAMPLE-A THrRD OprNrON. A Single-parent family, MS. MOnterO
and unfinished arguments. Regardless of topic, the process between them and her two children, Ida, 11 alld Joseph, 8. werc seeing multiple helpem
would deteriorate to name-calling. Mavis's most common word for Ken due to problems identified in Joseph, such as temper tantums and refusal
was eril, while Ken refered to Mavis as /,?orrr]. Once these terms were
to listen to adults. The helpen included a family thenpist, a pediatrician,
hauled out by either, their fights deteriomted fwther. They stated that a psychologist who tested Joseph, and a Big Brother for Joseph.
they thought they argued about ten percent of the time, that their mar- The psychological testing of Joseph resulted in a very pessimistic re-
riage was satisfying in many ways, and that they both felt concemed that po which stated that Joseph would likely need residential treament.
the fights could destroy a positive relationship. Markedly different beliefs among the helpels towards Ms. Montero were
I asked them to go on a shopping tdp together to a nearby mall. There visible in the dissemination of the rcport, as the psychologist refused to
lhe] \ ere lo go to lhe slore lhat made f-.hin\ qirh \ ord' and picrures show her the results directly, stating that, "she would nof be able to handle
on them.' Togelher. the) were to pick out a .hin rhar .) mboli,,ed mor y seeing the report," while the pediatrician did show her the \uiteup. At
and a shirt that symbolized evil. They both began laughing. I asked them
this juncture, conflicting beliefs rcgarding Joseph's luture emerged both
if they would agee that during the next fight, mther fhan calling names, among the helpers and jn Ms. Montero's extended family, various mem-
they would put on their shi(s and continue the fight. They aFeed.
bers of which insisted that Joseph go for a "second opinion."
At the next session, Mavis and Ken entered carrying a bag in which In a coNultation, Ms. Montero expressed great confusion rcga-rding
they had brought their shirts to show me. Together they had picked a the advice she was receivinB from the various helpers. She said she felt
shirt for Ken that had a huge viper on it, symbolizing eril, and a shirt
for Mavis that had giant red lips on it, symbolizing mouthJ. They had
used the shirts in two fights. In the fint, they had handed the shits to
each other,just short of their usual name-calling. In the second, each had
Bone and rctrieved his or her own shirt and put it on! They described
laughing and then settling the issue in a new way. Name-calling had
ceased. and each felt better about the other.
Belief expression and negotiatjon rituals may be particularly useful
for families involved with multiple helpers from several larger systems,
each with its own beliefs about the nature of a problem and the appro-
priate treatment. In such circumstances it is not unusual for an individual
or family to deteriomte in its own capacity to solve problems or to ex-
press paralyzing confusion rcgarding a couNe of action. Simultaneously,
the multiple helpers may become locked in a struggle with each other
regading the "correct" belief. Here dtuals may be designed 10 clarify
and draw distinctions among the beliefs of various helpols, while reem-
powering the client to make decisions and to take ltoti()ll, l ho rituals may
function to challenge ri8id beliels about a llmily, suoh trs whcu a single-

' I wnr m cxprus my rpprtcir(n ro RichtrftlWhitlrt iil hll l [rrlllll lrrLN lLn wll['l-shin_
FICI'RIi 2 8 Thc Montero Family: A Third Opinion
80 RITUALS IN I,AMILIES AND FAMILY THERAPY
comlelled to follow her family's suggestion regarding a ,.second opin-
ion," although she rcally did not want to put Joseph through more iest,
ing. She also infomed the consultant that, in fact, Joseph haal been
improving, both at home and at school, but that therc htd been little
oppofiunity to discuss this with any of the helpers.
Ms. Montero was asked by the consultant to collect information about
her childrcn and hemelf, the transitions and changes they had undergone
and to consfuct a wdtten "third opinion" to be used to guide her work
with helpers and her interactions with her family of odgin. This docu-
ment ritual was designed to reempower Ms. Montero as the expefl on
her family, to inform all of the helperc about noted changes in Joseph,
and to place Joseph's behavior in the context ofhis lanity (Imber-Blaak,
ts88i
Other belief expression and negotiation druals will be illus[ated in
the chapters on couples' issues (Chapter 4), the Bar Mitzvah (Chapter 7),
rcmanied families (Chapter 12), and women's issues (Chaprer 14).
Celebrution
The theme of celebmtion attends to many nomative rituals. While the
telm "celebmtion" generally conjures up festivities, it also may refer to
more solemn and sacred rituals. Thtrs, all of the rituals attendant to life
cycle transitions, such as weddings, birth of children, adolescent rites of
passage, and funerals, involve celebration as one theme. The celebration
theme is also attendanl upon religious and cultural holidays and many
family traditions. such as bithdays and anniversaries. The celebration
theme involves that aspect of dtuals connected to affiming, honoring,
commemorating, and demarcating rcgDlar time from special time. Rituals
of celebralion frequently involve ethnic expression, special food and
drinks reserved for certain celebrations, unique music, gifts, and particu-
lar clothinB. The celebration aspect of dtuals is often the most visible
and dramatic marker of individDal, family and community definition and
change, although the celebration, per se, is usually only the culmination
of a much longer process.
Riruals involving celebration often have familiar and cxpected as-
pects, existing both in the culturc at large and in onc's pulicular family.
These expected and familiar processes function ts Abhrcvilltc(l mclaphors
for family and cultural rules and roles. As su(h, llt(ry nty cxplcss the
warmth, comfort, suppon, and huntitn co nodr(lllcRr ltvlil hlc in cele-
bralions. They may fi)r lhc cxpllsnirnl (rl kay rltltlt tl itn(l lrnily
^lbw thoy tn{ty poignlutlly [ r]lll(,r.n s(rrsc olloss,
development. Conversely,
such as during holidLty cclcbtltti()nr l()llt)wl t l ln tll, |lrDthcr's dcalh,
or sign lcutollls thlt)Ugh lltck ol lltvllllll0l 0t trllt tl t0 l)l[.ticipalc in.r
RITUAL THEMES ]N FAMILIES AND FAMILY THERAPY 8I
celebmtion, or silendy express relational stagnation and hypocrisy, as
when the folm of the celebration remains unchanged despite yital, though
often unspoken, relationship changes.
CELEBRAIToN RTTLIALS AND THE TI{ERAPEUTTC pRocEss. Similar to the mem-
be$hip theme, the celebration theme is readily available for conversa-
tions between thempists and families. As one gathers genogmm and life
cycle issues from a family, discussion ofpafiicular life cycle celebrations
can begin io inform both therapist and fanily about pafticipation, decision-
making, relationship connections and cutoffs. For instance, one couple
who were plarning to many, but whose plans were put off due to a high
level of conflict, responded lo a question about their potential guest list
by telling me that the man's grown daughten would not be invited and
thai the woman's mother would be invited "out of sheer politeness." This
information led to a broader discussion of family-of-origin issues and the
ways in which the couple's cuffent conflicts could be viewed as exisling
in this wider context, of which the couple had not been aware.
Discussion of specific holiday celebrations, such as Thanksgiving or
Christmas, can be rclevant grist for the therapeutic mill, both infoming
about conflicts and leading to new ituals capable of transforming rela
tionships. Such discussion easily bdngs family-of odgin issues into the
open. During my graduate student days, I sold Christrnas trees one winter
and listened to eDdless variations oi "We have to have a scotch pine,
dear, because that's what my family always had," answered by, "Scotch
pines are nice. honey, but we have to have a douglas fir, because that's
what my family always had!" Clearly, such arguments over apprcpriate
symbols of the celebration are fraught with issues of loyalty, power, and
"colrect" beliefs, and can be usefully examined and reworked in therapy.
Ethnjcally and religiously intermarded couples face panicular chal-
lenges during celebration rituals. In therapy, religiously inlemaried cou-
ples may describe how they get along well until December, when they
are laced with issues of ditTerence, or how they could "ignore" the issue
until children were born. Some families attempt to rcsolve ihe struggle
by optinS out of celebrations allogether, but find they must then deal
wilh a sense of emptiness and cutoffs. Celebration dtuals in ethnically
inlermaried couples may highlight differences that are not usually dis-
cussed. Here the therapist can effectively assist the partners in a key
developmental task ofbeing able to affiIm their differences through cele-
bration rituals that respect the heritage of each and facilitate the creation
of new ituals, symbolic of their unique family system.
Therapeutic celebration rituals may be designed with couples to mark
a new beginniig lo their marriage, such as witb the Korner family. Gay
couplcs, lor whorn legal mariage is not possible, may wish lo design n
82 RTUALS IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY THERAPY RITUAI, THEMES IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY THERAPY 8C

celebration dtual that publicly proclaims their rclatiol1ship. The celebm- to the thempist that each had gdeved the loss of Michael alone. Mother
tion theme may attend to therapeutic dtuals to mark particular achieve- went to church to grieve, father went to the cemetery frequently, and
ments, normative or idiosyncratic life cycle transitions, or may be used Alan, who became intensely depressed after his brother's death, went to
to reframe as a cause for celebration that which a family has previously individual therapy! Mrs. Franco remarked that her previous encounters
hidden, such as the couple ihat had not celebmred their annivenary for with thempists had made her feel like a bad mother. Sensitive to each
nearly 50 years. Since therapy is often about painful issues, the therapist other's grief, they did not discuss the subject ofMichael's death together.
must take care to watch for moments when celebmtion dtuals are appro- Rather, the family became distmcted by Alan's increasirgly bizarre be-
pdate and not Ieave celebration outside the therapy rcom. Since a thera- havior, which seemed to function to posq)one mouming and to obviate
peutic celebration ritual often punctuates a key tuming point for an individual and family development.
individual, couple or family, and may be likely to become a parl of fami- In eady sessions, regardless of topic, Alan would insist, "The story
Iy's ongoing tradition, such as the Komer family's gold glasses used for of Michael! The storl, of Michael! We have to discuss the story of
subsequent family celebrations, these rituals tend to rcly heavily on fam- Michaell" Gradually, many painful aspects regarding Michael's death
ily input for their design and implementation. were discussed, including the cutoff from Michael's wife and child, who
was now a teenager, Then, in a session focused on current family rcIa-
CELEBRATToN aND Loss. A discussion of holiday celebrations with fami- tionships, Alan insisted, "Christmas! Wlat about Christmas? We have to
lies in therapy may reveal issues of loss. The loss of members through talk about Chdstmas!" What emerged was a description of a very bleak
death or through sepamtion and divorce is often experienced acutely at
times of celebmtion. Families' attempts to deal with such losses at times
of celebmtion may inadvertently prevent both an affirmation of the loss
and an opportunity to experience the support and connection available
in celebration. Thirs, some families establish an unspoken rule to not
acknowledge the loss or, as one mother described, "to pretend that we're
happy." Here, pandoxically, the sense of loss and bereavement often floods
and overcomes any sense of celebration. Other individuals or families
place a momtorium on celebration and exist in a pemanent state of gdef.
Family memben may be out of sync with one another regarding a sense di.d 15 t@ aqo at qse 20
of resolution of a loss, rcsulting in celebrations that are ftaught with ten-
sion. In all of these situations, a well-designed therapeutic .itual incorpo-
mting both loss and celebration may open the family to new possibilities.

BRrEF EXAMPLE "WHAT ABOUr CHRTSTMAS?" A family, Consisting Of Mr.

altd Mrs. Franco, 58 and 57, and their son, Alan, 33, came to the crisis
unit of a community hospital in early December. Alan lived at home and
did not work or go out of fhe house. He had a Iong history of seeing thera-
pists with no chanEle in his behavior. Over the previous week, A]an's
negative behavior towards his mother had been increasing, resulting in
the family's coming to the hospital.
As the therapist gathered the genogram, thc prrcnls rol lcd thal they
had had another son, Michael, who dicd suddcnly l5 yo rs carlier of
virulent cancer. Two years oldc, th n Allln, l\4ich rl wns n stilr student
and athlele. He had manicd in l)cccrnhcr, iurt h(,i(nc ('hrislmas, and
died in Fchnnry, lcaviD8 n prlgnlrnl wih,'l'h(, lirrrrily rrcrrhcl1\ related FICURE 2.9 The Franco Family: "What Abour Christmas?"
8.1 RITUALS IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY THERAPY
Christmas, fol while the family decorated the house and Mrs. Franco
made a special dinner, the specter of Michael's death pemeated the holi
day, but was not discussed. Alan always dismpted dre dinner and would
act up in ways that made rhe parents feel that they could not have com-
pany over, nor could they leave to visit others. During ihe discussion of
decorations, Mru. Franco described childhood decorations that Michael
had made and that she always put up. Then she said, "They really aren't
made well, and if he were alive, I think I would have stopped putting
them up yeam ago. I don't think I'm going to put them out this year."
This was the first indication that this Christmas might somehow be dif
ferent and might be a vehicle for expressing that the family was not
stuck 15 yea$ in the past.
The therapist then discussed with the family the possibility of a ritual
that would allow for the joint discussion of Michael ard their celebm-
tion of Christmas. She asked if each would be willing to bring a symbol
of Michael to the next session, which was scheduled thrce days before
Christmas. They agreed. During the next session, the therapist asked
each to bdng out his or her symbols. Father brought a ring beloflging to
Michael, Mother brought a poem, and Alan brought a photogmph. She
asked them to exchange their symbols with one another, thus connecting
ihem in their prcviously solitary grief. She then asked each to relate a
favorite memory of Michael. Alan, who was often tangential and dis-
tracting, sat quietly arrd altentively while his parents talked. Discussion
of favodte memories led 10 a spontaneous sharing of formerly hidden
guilt of each member rcgarding Michael's death. The family members
cied together for the fimt time. Mrs. Fmnco hugged the therapist with
appreciation.
Following this very moving ritual, the family began to discuss ChisF
mas. A1a[ agreed that he would not disrupt the holiday and that he would
not tyto stop his parents from going visiting, as he had for many years.
He then beBan to discuss his own future.l
This ritual, combining the human needs for healing and celebration,
offercd the family a way to share its profound loss of a son and a brother
together and openly, enabling the possibility of reconnection and cele-
bration at Christmas for the fi.st time in 15 years. The case illustrates
more generally the ofte[ hidden, but exquisite, interplay belween loss
and celebration and demonstrates that celebration ritLrals may become
viable for some families when losses can be all'irnrcd,
' I unt to exprcss m] +prccidior ro Dontrr woLl, lhun| rl, rrrl llll{r I wlnr, nr|uvi$,
w.rked in c.lldh.htb, wirh .tr this cn\c.
'hr
RITIIAI, THF,MF,S TN FAMII,IES AND FAMTI,Y'IHERAPY 85
CELEBRATToN AND crFrs Many normative celebration rituals involve the
Bivin8 of gifts. Birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays such as Christmas,
Hanukkah, or Valentine's Day all involve gift-giving. Many families de-
velop their own traditions for such gift exchanges ihat heighten elements
of suryrise or creativity. Often, the prccess of such gift-giving alters as
childrcn grow, serving as a melaphor for developmental change. In other
families, the gift-giving aspect of celebration serves, mther, as a symbol
for disappointrnent and resentment, as, for example, the wife whose hus-
band gave her an intercom set for Christmas so "she could hear better
whel the childrcn needed her," or the couple who told me sadly that
their gifts to each other were never appreciated, as he always retumed
what she gave him, and she always lefl whatever he gave her to hang in
the closet, unseen alld unwom. Discussion of gifts wiih families in ther-
apy near appropriate holidays can be a useful thempeutic topic, rcvealing
family rules regarding giving and receiving, and often opening pre-
viously taboo areas for discussion,
IIr our work with families, we have found that gifts may be an impor-
tant element in therapeutic celebration rituals. In pafticular, a itual that
we have used repeatedly called "the giying of gifts" has proven to be
effective to reframe precipitous or angry leavings, such as when a child
leaves to go live with another parent, or to ease difficult transitions, such
as when a young adult child with handicaps leaves home to live in a
group home. For this ritual, family members are asked to bring gifts to
the next session. Each member is asked to bdng a gift for the member
who is leaving. The member who is leaving is asked to bring a gift for
each other member. Family members are told not to buy the gifts, but 10
either make something or bring something of their own that they wish
to give. The ritual is conducted wilh the suggestion by the therapist that
t}le gifts be exchanged with litde conveNarion, except for any explana
tion of the Bift, per se, that might be necessary. This is done to interdict
usual pattems, especially where anger has been high, and to provide a
tone of rcceptivity for the family.
BRIEF EXAMpLE "THE GlvrNG OF GrFrS." In a recenl CaSe Utilizing this it-
ual with a family whose daughter was leaving home to go to a group
home, and in which the parents were very worried about her well-being,
the father gave the young woman his favorite frying pan, which she
always wanted to use but had not been allowed to, and the rnother gave
her perfume, which she had also not been allowed to use, and earrings
who
belonging to the mother's mother. In short, the gif}s from the parents
were signals of pennission to grow up and leave home, while still main-
IJ6 RITUAIS IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY THEPdPY
taining an importalt connection to the family. The daughter, in turn,
gave her father a photograph taken ofher at the grcup home, surounaled
by young men and women, and gave her mother her favorite stuffed
animal, which she had slept with since childhood, signaling in her own
way that she was, indeed, growing up (Imber-Black, 1988).
CELEBRATION RITUAIS TO END THERAPY, CEICbTAtiON ritUAIS InAV bC USEfU]
to mark lhe end of rherap) or lhe end of a famjly c prolrdclid relalio0-
ships with larger systems in general. Such dtuals may be cocreated by
the therapist and family, and./or may involve actions of the therapist in
some kind of surprise.
BRIEF EXAMPLE THE THERAPIST COME.S TO DINNER (CONCLUSION), IN thc
work with the Wharton family, a second in-session dinner was held as a
marker of the changes that had occured in San&a and in the familv. In
keeping uiLh the lheme of 'fa\orites u\ed $roughout r]le therapl. rhe
family ageed that each would bdng a "favodte" item for this celebration
dinner, thercby communicating in action the now more symmetdcal na-
lure of relalionshipc in rhe tamill. replacing rhe pre\ ious e\calating com-
plemenrariry. Following rhe meal. I brcughl out two irems tor the fanill a
potato (Sandra's all-time favorite) and a kiwi fruit (Sandra's nemesis.
pushed on her by a dierjcianr-represenring Lhe rhemes of Iil,e( and di\-
Iikes, favorite and disfavore.d items, and the capacity to state preferences
directly. The potato and the kiwi fruit brought laughter fromthe family
members, and father joked that these were two things that Sandra lovedl
Linking the potato and the kiwi fruit to a variety of normal family devel-
opmental issues, I then told the family members that I wanted them to
freeze these items with the understanding that, in the futue, when any
memb-er of the family felt a family discussion was needed, the thawing
out of the potato and the kiwi fruit would signal the call for such ;
meeting. The family thanled me and left therapy with both a celebmtion
and the .,mbols of rhe uorl in their possession.
CONCLUSIONS
The five ritual themes discussed in this chapter, including ,rrmrz,.sft,p,
healin?, ide tit! dertnition, belief erpression and negoticuion arul ceie-
bration, rre key aspects of normative rituals and as such p()virle direc-
tion for the therapist both for the discussio[ ol'ritullr with l1u)]ilies and
for the design of thempeutic rituals. Th()ullhout n givc tllcrnpy, one or
morc of these themes may bc atddrossc(|, I'ho lhc l$ nlty llso interact
in any particular ritunl. Fi,lally, whilc nx tllcfltl)lNli wr. xt] llltvo a (heme
RITUAL THEMES IN FAMILIES AND FAMTLY TIIERAPY 87
we are seeking to addrcss in our work with a family, the family, through
its own unique implementation of a ritual, will ultimately detemine the
theme's meanings.
REFERENCES
Bronsrein,ll. (Ed.) (r9r4). A PasDwt Eassadah: The Ne|| Uni,n sasgala, (Re!. Ed.). New
\orl.: flr. Le.r al Lonleren.! o' Ane'.t R.Dbts
lmbeFBlack. E. (1985). Wonen. ramilies md ldxer systens.In M. Ault Ri.he (Ed). wa ?,,,1
lanilr theron (pp.2s-33). Rackviue, MD: Aspen Sysrems Publhhen.
Imbe, Blacl, E. (1986a). Towad a Esource model in sy enic family lheEpy. In M A, Karpel
\'-tt-). Fdnil| rTaurces: The hi.lden ?a het ih ldnib thera\ (pp. 148 174) New YorL
Inber Bracr., E. ( r986b) Odysseys of ! r.amer. ln D. Elron (En.), Jounels: hpansioas af ttategit
antl sJstenic rherapies l.pp.3 29). New York Brun.er/Mazel
Inber-Blact. E. (1983).IdiosyncEtic life cycle trassitions rnd thenpeDdc ntuah. rn E. A. Caner &
M. Mccoldrick (Erls.), ft? .lldnsias fMilr tlb ctcle lpp. 119-163). New York Cardner
lmbeFcoppersmirh, E. (1932). Frcm hyperactive to nomrl but nrlghtyr A nu]tisysten pdneEhip
in detab.tiag. Ihtemarianal ,launat .t Fahili Ps\.hiatr|, 3(.2). 131 141.
ImbeFcoppesnilh, E. (198.1), A special "lanily *ith handicapped menbe^r One lamily them-
pist,s leamings rrom &c L'Arche connunity. In E. ItubetsCoppesmilh (Ed ), Fa,ili.s
a han.licapped henbet I,W. 150 159). Rockville, MD: Aspen Srstens Publishe$.
Sellini Palazzoli. M., Boscolo, L., Cecchin, G. & Prata. C. (197?).Ianily dtuals: A po*errul rool
in rAn ,')
'llapr ranil. P \'. 16'1-.lt< 45)
Selvini Palazzoli, M., Boscolo, L., Cecchl., G.. & Prala, C. (1978). A ritualized piescriPti.n in
lamily rherapy: Odd days and e\en da!s. Journdl al Matriase and Fanilr C.m\eti e. 41.3),
3-9.
Van Cennep, A. (1960). TAu /ir,s,Jpasasc. Chicagor Unilesil, of Chicago PEss.
walsh. F. {1983). The linins of syiplons Md critical evenh in the famil} life cycle. h E. A.
Liddle lE .), Clian:at ihpticatiD"t ol th. lahib life crde l.pp, 120 133). Rockville, MDI
Aspen Systens Publicalions