An idiots guide to not getting

arrested, comedy.

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 Chapter 1 – Don't break the
speed limit,

Don't break the speed limit. It

may seem fun to go faster. Those
signs with numbers on, aren't
targets. You don't double them
by a thousand, and it's 3 points
per traffc infringement.

Keep to the speed limit,

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Chapter 2 – Don't argue with
The Police

Just don't do it, no need for it, if

a cop is making your life hard

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work. Just take the ticket and
leave. Cops have discretion and
if you piss them off, they are just
going to throw the book at you.

Chapter 3 – Don't sue The

Police,

Again, takes away their

discretion. If you were being
sued, would you let people off
all of the dumb shit they were
doing?

Chapter 4 – Don't drink and

drive,

Even yet, don't drink

whatsoever, and if you do, do is
responsibly. Alcohol is there in
moderation, and binge drinking.
Causes so many problems.

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Including taxi drivers having to
wipe up sick after wards when
they reach depot. Because you
are a lightweight and can't
handle your drink.

Chapter 5 – Comply with your

solicitor

Don't argue with your lawyer,

who cares who they are? Just
make sure you answer
questions.

Chapter 6 – Don't lie to The

Police

They don't have a polygraph in

all places, yet if you are honest,
then they can give you an early
guilty plea deal.

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Chapter 7 – Don't act like an
idiot

Don't run around acting like an

idiot, and if you do, expect
people to cite you up for it.

Chapter 8 – Don't become a

terrorist,

Because armed police are there

within 5 minutes. Even when
there is traffc. That 5 minutes of
fame is drastically ended when
they turn up. Give you no
sympathy, and make sure you
are dealt with.

Chapter 9 – Don't take or deal

illegal drugs,

Because it's so cool to be on

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these things man. Just cut it out.
The Police know who they are.

Chapter 10 – Don't act like an

asshole,

If you act like an asshole, people

are going to notice, and take
heed of it. If you want to be a
jerk, do it in the privacy of your
own home. And quietly. Don't
go out on the streets acting like
an asshole.

Chapter 11 – Don't call The

Police pigs, or dickheads, or any
other name,

This most likely won't get you

nicked at the time, but they will
come back later. Park outside.
Then issue you a warrant if you

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don't talk. Either that or they
may make you watch the
England game behind bars.
When you were due to go on
your annual holiday trip to
Mexico. With your estranged
wife.

I mean in fction it's different,

but don't directly call them ''a
pig''. Like, whatever, fction is
different.

Chapter 12 – Don't chant, ''you

are going IOPCC.''

Because IOPCC are just there to

pick up the pieces of
professional standards.

Chapter 13 – Don't beat on your

partner,

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Because that shit is taken
seriously nowadays, domestic
abuse also.

Chapter 14 – Don't carry

weapons or knives,

Even if it's concealed, you are

likely to get thrown in the
slammer.

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Chapter 15 – If you are stupid
enough to actually end up in jail,
don't commit offences whilst in
the jail.

Jail offences add up. Like

holding people hostage. Having
a joke with the lunch lady, and
then taking a knife to your cell
mate. Is not cool.

Chapter 16 – Don't take drugs

and drive,

It's the same thing as drink

driving and is an arrestable
offence.

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Chapter 17 – If you owe money,
don't obstruct the bailiffs,

The bailiffs can call Police, and if

you assault bailiffs, you can get
done.

Chapter 18 – Don't assault

supermarket staff,

Even a friendly touch on the

arm is just fucking weird, and
besides. Supermarket staff
nowadays don't tolerate any
nonsense.

Chapter 19 – Don't attend a

football game to cause trouble,
The amount of people banned

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from city centres, then when
breached arrested Just for acting
like dickheads at football games
is beyond me.

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Chapter – 20 – If you are given a

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dispersal notice, direction to
leave, or a temporary city ban.
Don't be a big enough jerk to go
back prior to when the ban
expires.

That ban is there for a reason.

Get a taxi out of the city upon
getting issued a dispersal notice.
Go home, and look in the
mirror. You will see an idiot.
Then wait until the time is up.
Look in the mirror again. You
still may see an idiot.

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Chapter 21 – Don't boast on the
internet about your criminal
activity.

Anyone stupid enough to boast

online about how much stupid
illegal stuff they have done. This
is beyond me.

Chapter 22 – Know your law,

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Don't have to be Saul Goodman,
but you have to know the basics
of criminal law. The Police will
usually let you off minor
violations but if you show an
attitude. You are going in the
slammer.

Chapter 23 – Don't act like a

dickhead in court,

People held in contempt of court

will be behind bars.

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Chapter 24 – Don't breach a
restraining order,

Pretty self explanatory,

Chapter 25 – Don't be an idiot,

Mind you, if you are reading

this, you probably have been
given this book by the desk duty
sergeant He has had enough of
your crap and is fed up of
talking to you. So he has just
handed you this to shut you up.

Chapter 26 – Don't moan like a

victorian school girl if you are
refused bail.

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Letting dangerous people out
into society is like letting
dangerous animals out into the
zoo.

Chapter 27 – Actually obey the

law,

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Chapter 28 – Don't moan like a
dickhead and say your cannabis
power plant factory in your
basement is your medicinal use.
Because you have a made up
lung condition.

Pretty self explanatory, or any

made up fctitious condition. If
you do have drugs in the
basement. They are not going to
magically go away. Once the
cannabis is seized. The Police
may claim some mice have ate
some of it once it goes into
custody. Yet, they will just say,
''oops, sorry, my bad.''

Chapter 29 – Don't shoplift

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Even a paperclip or a small fruit
roll up. It's not based on the
price. Then don't moan that
your non existent, made up
benefts are cut. I mean they do
have food banks.

Chapter 30 – Comply

Comply with requests, even

though how unreasonable. If it
goes to court, and you were
compliant. Any force used
against you post compliance.
Will be unlawful. Don't hand
The Police that golden nugget of
satisfaction. Besides, which
police offcer wants to waste
their time wrestling a scum bag
to the foor. Just because the said
scumbag doesn't want to do a
two bit year sentence for

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robbery. Even though they
scaled the roof of a 90 year old
woman's house. Stole her
money, and legged it. Hit their
bollocks on the fence, and had to
have it stitched up. Later fnding
out they are infertile.

Chapter 31- Don't impersonate a

police offcer,

Just don't do it, even if your

motive is genuine. It won't hold
up in court.

Chapter 32 – Keep all of your

fake ''prescription medications''
in their genuine boxes.

The amount of times someone

has been nicked for possession
of cocaine. Later turns out it was

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some kind of rare herbal
prescription Given to them by
some fake doctor on licence for
stabbing a bear in the woods.

Chapter 33 – Don't assault

camera man or/and put your
middle fnger up,

Again, it's about discretion. If

you are rude, that discretion
goes away.

Chapter 34 – Ask for a voluntary

interview at police station under
caution.

Under PACE, a voluntary

interview for non indictable
offences. Are probably for the
best. You can clear up any
misunderstandings, and it won't

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be on record you have been
arrested Comply with The
Police.

Answer their questions, be

reasonable, and if they are good
cops. Which I hope they are.
They are most likely to pity you,
and let you off whatever it was.
Usually they will give you a
verbal warning and give you
instructions on what to do in
future. Take this seriously.

Chapter 35 – Don't moan like a

victorian school girl when
spoken to,

Nobody cares how much you

can cry and kick up a fuss. Take
the caution or the dispersal
notice and walk away. Don't

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record on your phone.

Chapter 36 – Don't record on

your phone,

Takes away discretion and

besides. You don't need
evidence against The Police.
They are not the enemy. You are
just going to look like a tool with
a hand held device. Shouting,
''you are going IOPCC piggy.''
It's not going to work.

Chapter 37 – Don't break the

law,

This is the last chapter. This is

what I am telling you. Don't
break the law, and the police
will have no reason to arrest
your sorry ass. Ignorance isn't

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an excuse for evading arrest Not
knowing you were breaking the
law isn't a get out of jail free
card.

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If someone has framed you, then
hire a good attorney. Counter

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sue and maybe fle charges. Yet
again, don't be stupid enough to
get framed. Keep records. Don't
date losers, and don't do drugs.
It's bad.

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