Emotional Intelligence and

Interpersonal
SS Communication
Prof. Rahul K Shukla
E: rahul.shukla@xlri.ac.in
 Your Thinking

Your Thinking

Controls You

Your
Your Emotions
Communication

Can you control your thinking?

 Three Levels of Thought

Highest- Explicitly
Level 1 Order Reflective.
Consistently Fair
Thinking

Higher- Selectively
Reflective.
Level 2 Order Inconsistently
Thinking Fair

Unreflective.
Lower- Frequently relies
on gut intuition.
Level 3 Order Largely Self
Thinking serving/Self-
deceived
 Fair-minded CT

• They deeply question their own views.

• They reconstruct empathically the strongest versions of
viewpoints and perspectives opposed to their own.
• They reason dialectically (multilogically) in such a way as
to determine when their own point of view is at its weakest
and when an opposing point of view is at its strongest.
• They change their thinking when the evidence requires it
without regard to their own selfish or vested interests.
• They do not place their own rights and needs above the
rights and needs of others.
Pathos and Communication
 Pathos

This is about emotions and feelings. Do you appeal to

their heart and imagination? People buy people and this
is where you will win them over. Do they like you? Are
you showing a genuine interest in them and their
company? Are you tapping into their emotional
intelligence?
 Why is understanding of pathos needed?

• I panic when I have to face someone who is angry.

• When I have a major personal problem, I cannot think of
anything else?
• No matter how much I accomplish, I feel like I should be
doing more.
• I get distressed without really knowing who and what exactly
is bothering me.
• Even when I do my best, I feel guilty about the things that
were not done perfectly.
• I feel uneasy in situations where I am expected to display
affection.
 Emotions

• State of conscious in which joy, sorrow, fear etc., is

experienced as distinguished from cognitive and volitional
state of consciousness.

• In Western culture, emotion has traditionally been set in

opposition to reason and has been regarded as the culprit
in sloppy reasoning and irrational life choices.

• And, scientists dismiss emotion as a relic from our

evolutionary past and unreliable guide to action in the
present.
 Communication & Emotions

• Although emotions such as anger and fear can act as

barriers to effective communication, emotions can also
enhance communication by predisposing us or motivating
us to be self-aware and being aware of others.

• As leaders, we need to be attentive not only in what is

going on around us but also to our own feelings.
 Contd.

• Emotion alerts us to problems and to other people’s

perspective.

• It motivates us to take action and resolve and

communicate solutions accurately.

• To be complete and well-adjusted person is to

acknowledge our feelings and to use those emotions in
conjunction with reason to make better informed
decisions.
 EI & Communication

• EI is the ability to perceive accurately, appraise and express ourselves.

• The ability to access and generate feelings when they facilitate

communication.

• The ability to understand and regulate emotions to promote emotional

and intellectual growth.

• Emotional like empathy, love, happiness and even guilt can have
positive effect on out reasoning by influencing us to communicate
effectively.

• Deal with strong emotions and control your impulses

• Be aware and understand and relate to others.

 EI in Organizations

• It helps in running powerful meetings

• Giving difficult feedback

• Making smart decisions

• An emotional strategy for negotiations

Mayer-Salovey Model of Emotional
Intelligence
Daniel Goleman’s EI
 Goleman’s EI’s Competencies

• Self-Awareness: It is about knowing one’s emotions, strengths,

weakness, drives, values and goals—and their impact on others.

• It extends to a person’s understanding of his or her own values

and goals.

• People with high self awareness are able to speak accurately and
openly.

• Self-aware people are comfortable talking about their

limitations and strengths and they demonstrate thirst for
constructive criticism.

• They are recognized by self-confidence.

 Contd.

• Self-Regulation: It frees us from being prisoners of our

feelings. It helps in channelizing the emotional impulses
in useful things.

• Self-regulated person will pick his words carefully, which

helps him to create the environment of trust and fairness.

• They don’t panic; instead they are able to suspend

judgment and seek-out information.

• However, sometime, they are seen as cold fish– their

considered responses are taken as a lack of passion.
 Contd.

• Motivation: This trait is that virtually all leaders have.

• Motivated people are driven to “achieve” beyond

expectations—their own and everyone else’s.

• They are persistent with their questions about why things

are done one way rather than another. They are eager to
explore new approaches to their work.

• They are optimistic even when the score is against them.

 Contd.

• Empathy: It is about considering other’s feelings

especially about making decisions. The ability to
understand the perspective of others.

• Empathy doesn’t mean a kind of “I’m OK, you’re OK”

mushiness. It means thoughtfully considering employees’
feelings—along with other factors—in the process of
making intelligent decisions.
• It takes into consideration the reasons and logic behind
another’s feelings or point of view. Therefore, it is both
cognitive and emotional.
 Contd.

• Social Skill: Socially skilled people tend to have a wide

circle of acquaintances, and they have a knack for finding
common ground with people of all kinds—a knack for
building rapport. That doesn’t mean they socialize
continually; it means they work according to the
assumption that nothing important gets done alone.

• They built genuine relationships and bonds an know to

express care, concerns and worries in healthy way.

.
 A few other…

• Personal Influence: It is ability to inspire others through

example, words and deeds.
• The ability to positively lead others as well as oneself.

• Mastery of Vision: The ability to communicate and

articulate with passion regarding direction and vision.
• They know how to handle relationships and move
people in desired direction.
• Cognitive skills such as big-picture thinking and long-
term vision were particularly important
Five Components of Emotional Intelligence
at Work
 Emotional Hijacking

• We feel before we think; everything that we sense has

already been filtered through our emotional brain.

• When danger is sensed, we react emotionally first before

the information has reached any part of the cerebral cortex
that allows us to process and think rationally

• When what we sense reminds us of a past threat, we react

with the same intense emotions; we may not even be aware
of the memory that has been triggered.
 Withstanding the Hijacking

• In order to think rationally and respond rather than react

emotionally, we can need to allow the information to reach
the rest of the brain.

• We can do this by becoming aware of our emotional

triggers and learning to take a moment before reacting
 Personality Orientation

• Carl Gustav Jung gave the theory of psychological types.

• It helps to understand the basic personality differences.

• By becoming aware of these types , we can better

understand others’ behavior and motivation
Personality Attitudes!
 Please Comment

• Is s/he friendly and easy to know?

• Does s/he thinks aloud?
• Does s/he expresses emotions openly?
• Does s/he act and reflect later?
• Does s/he need outside motivation?

• Is s/he less self revealing?

• Does s/he seem secretive?
• Does s/he open-up only when you are alone with them?
• Does s/he withdraw to quiet spaces away from external
activities?
Red is extrovert

& Blue is Introvert

Modes of Orientation
 Please Comment

• Is s/he drawn to ideas, patterns, theories, fantasies, hypotheticals, and/ or

possibilities?
• Does s/he get readily bored by the day-to-day, concrete activities of life?
• Does s/he look beneath the surface in order to understand how things (or
people) work, as well as how things are connected and interrelated.
• Does s/he often enjoy discussing abstract matters like theology, philosophy,
political theory, psychology, etc.?

• Is s/he generally more practical and “down-to-earth?

• Is s/he more at home discussing and partaking in everyday affairs?
• Is s/he more task oriented, doing what they need to do without over-
analyzing things?
Red is intuitive

Blue is Sensing
 Please Comment

• Is s/he doing what her/his need to do without over-

analyzing things?
• Are they less immediately concerned with the needs of
others, focusing more on pursuing their own interests
and objectives?

• Is s/he more in touch with his/her feelings and emotions?

• Is s/he generally more caring and compassionate with
respect to other people?
Red is Thinkers

Blue is Feelers
 Please Comment

• Is s/he orderly and well planned?

• Does s/he prefer a decided settled path and tends to be
neat and orderly?

• Is s/he living life in an open, fluid, and spontaneous

fashion?
• Does s/he see possibilities in everything and is always
ready for the unexpected?
• Is s/he open to sudden changes and is comfortable with
letting things happen to chance?
• Does s/he adapt well to the changing environment?
Red is judgers

Blue is perceivers
How to be self-aware?
 Self-Awareness Forces Me to Know My
Personality
• You often feel like others don’t get the point and it makes you
impatient and frustrated.
• You’re surprised when others are sensitive to your comments or jokes
and you think they’re overreacting.
• You think being liked at work is overrated.
• You weigh in early with your assertions and defend them with rigor.
• You hold others to the same high expectations you hold for yourself.
• You find others are to blame for most of the issues on your team.
• You find it annoying when others expect you to know how they feel.
 Understanding Your Personality DNA

• Developing broader emotional appeal hinges, in part, on

personality self-awareness.

• Each of our personality styles has predictable strengths and

challenges of communication

• Each individual possesses quirks of personality that can

become relational liabilities.
 Awareness Is Needed in Three Specific
Areas
1. Who we are

2. Whom are we surrounded with (Those who get affected)

3. The adjustments we need to make in our communication

to build better connections
 I agree with the most of them

• I do not want to make people angry

• I feel guilty when people get hurt
• I do not like to go against consensus
• I do not argue with people who are loud
• I go ahead with my decision only when my peers agree to
it
With in organization!
 The Togetherness Personality

• They have feeling-oriented mode of relating

• They are always striving to keep consensus, harmony and

teamwork

• When conflict arises they play a role of peace-maker

• Kind and caring

• Keep everyone involved

 Challenges

• People-pleasing tendencies
• Procrastination
• Aversion to candor and straightforwardness
• Oversensitivity
• Fear of rocking the boat
• Propensity for following the crowd
• Lack of assertiveness
• Need for constant affirmation
 Self-Improvement

• Stop apologizing for opinions/ideas

• Take events in stride
• Focus on handling criticism with more emotional
detachment
• Make feelings clear
• Ask for clear directions
 I agree with the most of them

• I am impatient with incompetent people

• I like to take lead roles
• I try to do things on my own than to delegate them to
others
• When I am under pressure, I do my best
• When I work in a team, I want my bit to be better than
others
• I hate those who steal time from their work
 The Enterpriser Personality

• Competitive in nature and they like to win

• They want to get as much done as they can in a given time

• They are good at juggling and multitasking

• They are risk takers and agents for change

• They thrive under pressure

• They are practical, resourceful and industrious

 Challenges

• Bluntness/Insensitivity
• Impatience
• Autocratic manner/Condescending
• Lack of affirmative input
• Propensity for giving ultimatums
• Overly confrontational
• Misguided competitiveness
• Poor listening skills
• Compulsion for quick completion
• Frustrated with risk-averse personalities
• Sarcasm
 Areas of Improvement

• Show more patience with people/processes

• Articulate more encouragement and support
• Make sure others see ideas before moving
• Listen
• Get help for detailed work
• Get others involved
• Treat people with respect
 I agree with the most of them

• I do not like opinionated people

• I like to question the beliefs of people
• I do not like people who are not well read
• When people lie, I easily catch them by my tricky
questions
• I never claim without evidence
• I like the things to be done in a standard way
• I do fact check if somebody throws unknown facts on me
 The Analyzer Personality

• Analyzers are accuracy-oriented—they want to get things

right
• They are sticklers for proof, data, and evaluation.
• They are quality-conscious and have very high standards.
• They have a hard time understanding people who don’t do
their best to do things right
• Analyzers ask good questions, plan things out carefully, and
are conscientious about following procedures.
• They are generally industrious and tenacious and try to stay
logical in their approach.
 Challenges

• Resistant to change/Slow to change view

• Pessimistic views
• Defensive
• Self-justifying
• Propensity for criticizing and judging
• Tension and loss of composure under pressure
• Intellectual arrogance
• Values processes over people
• Impersonal approach/appearance
 Self Improvement

• Open up to new ideas and ways of doing things

• Accept people for who they are
• Display more warmth and affection
• Restrain judgment
• Work on stress management
• Streamline communications
 I agree with the most of them

• I believe that anything can be achieved

• I get over excited about things quickly
• I like to be surrounded with people
• I like to encourage people when they are down
• I want to help people even when I am constrained
• I do not like people who get critical with me
• I do not get in conflict with people
 The Motivator Personality

• Motivators are energy oriented

• They like to take a playful and random approach to life and
projects
• Motivators enjoy conversing, mixing with people, persuading
others, and inspiring others toward their goals
• They tend to see the possibilities more than the obstacles in
every situation.
• They are quickly repelled by criticism, skepticism, and cynicism.
• They are naturally charismatic, articulate, and charming in
their approach
 Challenges

• Easily bored
• Impulsiveness
• Lack of follow-through
• Empty promises and shallow commitments
• Disorganization
• Flattery
• Aversion to confronting conflict
• Inappropriate speech/Obnoxious behavior
• Dominating conversations
• Overzealous appetite for attention and recognition
• Persuasive manipulation to achieve objectives
• Lack of discipline and self-restraint
• Taking credit for the work of others
 Self-Improvement

• Plan and see projects to the end

• Be careful in making commitments
• Get organizational support
• Listen and restrain commentary
• Don’t take credit where it is not due
 So the Standard Personality Styles are…

• The Togetherness Personality

• The Enterpriser Personality

• The Analyzer Personality

• The Motivator Personality

#: There can be overlapping of personalities

You Should Know Your MO
You Should Know Your MO
You Should Know Your MO
You Should Know Your MO
 Next Task

• Combining M.O.S With Triggers

• When you are capable of quickly determining what

triggers cause what type of emotional reaction in you, you
will be on your way to greater emotional intelligence.

• So you’re interpreting not only what triggers hijack you,

but also how you react when you’re hijacked.
 Seven Habits of People with High EQ
Seven Habits
1. Label your feelings rather than labeling
people or situations.
2. Consider the feelings of others when you are sharing your
thoughts.
3. Take responsibility for your own feelings.
4. Show respect for other people’s feelings, thoughts, and
opinions.
5. Validate other people’s feelings and fears.
6. Practice getting a positive value from
their negative emotions.
7. Don’t advise, command, control, criticize, judge, or
lecture others (rule of thumb: ask, don’t tell).
Examples
Instead of “This is ridiculous,” you could say, “I get
impatient in these situations.”
Instead of “I don’t think you know what you’re doing,” you
could say, “Have you thought about doing this?” or “I feel
like we may be missing the mark here” or “This is a good
start, what else can we do?”
Instead of “You make me mad,” you could say, “I’m feeling
angry, upset, etc.”
Instead of “This is great, isn’t it?” you could say, “How do
you feel about this?”
Instead of “Don’t worry about it” or “You shouldn’t be
upset,” you could say, “Why are you so upset?” or “What
are you afraid will happen?”
Instead of “Get over it” or “Get control of yourself,” you
could say, “What can you do to feel better about this?” or
“How do we move forward from here?”
Instead of “You need to _________,” you could say, “Do you
think _________ would be helpful?” or “How do you feel
about
___________ as a solution?”
 How will you handle this?

When the Manager, Rita ask, Roma how she felt about
the issue they had been discussing the board room, Roma
never expressed an opinion. Later, Roma would complain
or express disagreement about the same issues to another
staff members.

What is a problem?
 What about this?

Veronica and Helen work together on a project. Each

time they met for strategic planning sessions, Helen felt
that nothing of value had been accomplished. However,
Veronica, felt satisfied that the sessions had unveiled
many possibilities—but she sensed Helen’s discomfort.
Read and Answer
Read and Answer
Read and Answer
 Good v/s Effective Communication

• Good communication is when a message is understood

my the receiver.

• Effective communication is when the sender achieves the

desired goal.
 A Framework to Avoid Miscommunication
in Interpersonal Relationships
• Assumption is based on beliefs, values and experience of
a person

• Perception is what the person actually sees, hears, or

otherwise senses as taking place in a situation

• Feelings are the emotive and affective responses of a

person in reaction to a given situation

• And, their conflicts and combinations show-up in the

behavior
 A few generic ones…

• Understand the connection between your behavior and

emotions
• Quit judging
• Understand the pattern in your behavior
• Tame your reactions
• Deal with the facts
• Take other persons emotions in to account
• Journal your emotions
 How to avoid misunderstanding?

• Master small talk

• Ask questions
• Take away the distractions
• Increase your empathy
• Listen
• Express negative thoughts in a positive way
• Start with face-to-face conversation
• Show appreciation
• Connect
• Don’t try to read their minds
• Read the Body Language
Listening
Thank You!