Laws of Human Nature Habit Check List - Expanded

Master Your Emotional Self (The Law of Irrationality)

1. Feel Emotion

2. See People as Facts & Step Back

3. Interpret Emotion Root

4. Think then Act

1. Feel Emotion: as it happens

2. See People as Facts & Step Back:

1. See people as facts - don’t take them personally, see as phenomena like a plant that comes in
varieties, make it a fun game or puzzle; each person no matter how twisted has a reason for what
they’ve become and a logic that makes sense them

2. Resistance Training - If feeling a sudden emotion, don’t communicate or react, physically

remove self from situation if possible, sleep on it for a day because perspective comes with time and
there is more mental space for reflection

3. See it from a neutral perspective detached and with humor

3. Interpret Emotion Root: Identify Root Generic Source (low or high grade emotion or law) and Specific
reaction -> identify any Patterns

1. Low Grade Emotional Bias

i. Confirmation Bias - with evidence and statistics and studies that confirms desired
beliefs

ii. Conviction Bias with heated words and gestures - but deep inside have some doubts
and so go the extra mile to convince

iii. Appearance Bias with failure to see the front people were presenting or the halo
effect

iv. Group Bias - taking up ideas of the group because it brings relief; or opinions always
following the same political direction

v. Blame Bias where others were blamed instead of learning

vi. Superiority Bias where faults were only seen in others reasoning

2. High Grade Emotions

 i. Trigger Points - event or person triggering a memory of a positive or negative
experience from early childhood) where an unusually primal and uncontrollable emotion resulted in
childish and out of character behavior

ii. Sudden Gains or Losses where it would have been better to step back and
counterbalance with pessimism or optimism

iii. Rising Pressure that revealed flaws, unusual brittleness, sensitivity, sudden suspicions
or fears disproportionate to the circumstances

iv. Inflaming Individuals sparking love, hatred, confidence or mistrust and projecting a
larger than life image

v. Group Effect where negative emotions (hatred of other or aggression) of a large

group like a sporting event, religious or political gathering or even a social media group

4. Think then Act: Proper balance of thinking and emotion - bring as much thinking as possible before
making a decision and taking action. Then loosen the reins and be bold with emotion.

Appreciate the Pleasure, Effectiveness, and Love the Rational: When challenged - be rational to see
more clearly and make better decisions and actions and momentum; also to be more calm in the face of
pettiness

Transform Self-Love into Empathy (The Law of Narcissism)

1. Observe Narcissism

2. Empathetic Attitude

3. Visceral Empathy

4. Analytic Empathy

5. Validate Empathy & Assess the Empathetic Skill

1. Observe Narcissism - as it's happening and determine overall level

1. Observe Narcissistic behavior - if insulted or challenged then reacts with great rage,
vengeance; wounded victim for sympathy; prickly and over sensitive; impatient or distant look on face
when conversation not directly about them, immediately turn conversation back to themselves; prone
to vicious envy; displays extreme self confidence to gain attention and cover inner emptiness; controls
people like it’s their own arm; continually worrying about what others think of them; make us feel guilty
if not continually paying them attention; everything must revolve them; if leader then stirs up drama to
show they are the only ones who can solve the problem; always center of attention; everything must
flow through and be controlled by them, may connect with others but eventually an insecurity will be
triggered; champing at bit to talk; tell their story and give their opinion

2. Determine Narcissistic Level - We all have a need for attention from others in order to feel
validated (recognized and appreciated)...But can’t always get attention from others to feel validated,
which is the problem for Deep Narcissists. Functional Narcissists get attention and validation from their
unique qualities and values, a coherent self-image they can love; they don't feel continually insecure or
wounded, not always needing to fish for attention, and can turn their attention outward into work and
relationships but still somewhat self-absorbed. Healthy Narcissists have a strong, more resilient sense of
self; recover more quickly from wounds or insults; they do not need as much validation from others;
realize they have limits and flaws and can laugh at them, not taking slights so personally; strong inner
position of self-love, and can turn attention outward intensely into their work and complete absorption
in relationships

2. Empathetic Attitude - Know Nothing, Clear Mind, Give Benefit of Doubt, Self-Love

1. Know Nothing - a state of mind and a way of relating to others; begin with assumption that
you are ignorant - that you have biases that will make you judge people incorrectly; let go of tendency to
make snap judgement of people; don't mistake the mask for reality; open mind to seeing people in a
new light; don't assume they are similar or share my values; each person is like an undiscovered country
with a particular psychological chemistry to carefully explore and ready to be surprised what is
discovered

2. Reverse normal impulse to talk and give opinion, desire instead to hear other persons point of
view; cut of my incessant interior monologue; give full attention on the other; what matters is quality of
my listening, so that I can mirror back things that were said or left unsaid but I sensed;

3. Attribution Bias - when we make mistake, we attribute to circumstances that pushed us to

doing it; but when others make a mistake, we see it as a character flaw and don't give benefit of the
doubt of circumstance

4. High degree of self-love, acceptance and laughter and even love of own flaws, knowing I'm
not perfect; from position of inner strength, can more easily direct attention outward

3. Visceral Empathy- Begin with ignorance, Interpret emotions from body language, Determine emotion
behind intention, Mirror people, Maintain Distance

1. Hard to read thoughts of another person, but feelings and moods are much easier to pickup;
we are prone to catching emotions of another person; turn this physiological response into knowledge;
determine feeling before paying attention to what they are saying; the feeling will register in you
viscerally, in own physical response; defensive tone on their part will create a like felling in you;
 2. Pay deep attention to moods of people as indicated through their body language, gestures,
posture, and tone of voice, determine if feeling is in sync with words;

3. Determine peoples intentions, almost always an emotion behind any intention/goals, will
register physically in me

4. Mirroring people will draw out empathetic response from them, people who are connecting
physically and emotionally will tend to mirror each others gestures and posture; deliberately mimic
someone to consciously induce this connection; enter deeply the spirit and mood of the other person
and reflect it back to them to create a feeling of rapport

5. Maintain a degree of distance; not becoming completely enmeshed in the emotions of others;
will make it hard to analyze what I am picking it up, leading to a loss of control that is not healthy

4. Analytic Empathy- understand values and beliefs

1. Gather information through conversation on persons tastes, values, and family background;
especially if someone is very different from us or something about them repels us and we judge into
categories; see as challenge to improve our skills; read peoples values or concepts of what people
consider strong or weak; much of values come from early life and so must gather as much information
about early years and relationships to parents and siblings; tastes in partners; how people react to
authority figures; look for trigger points in early childhood; find out what makes you unique; look for
what is different from yourself

5. Validate Empathy & Assess the Empathetic Skill - Get feedback, Build Skill, Maintain Flow and Elevate
their Moods

1. Get feedback to assess progress; 1 of 2 forms: Direct - guess, ask people about their thoughts
and feelings and see if correct; must be discreet based off a level of trust; Indirect - a sense of greater
rapport

2. Build and build the skill - interact with more people and great variety and will get better

3. Keep a sense of flow; keep attention active to see how the other person changes over the
course of a conversation and effect you are having on them; be alive in the moment; focus on the
shifting moods that people evoke in you; find indirect ways to elevate their moods

4. Continually mix the visceral with the analytic

See Through People's Masks (The Law of Role-playing)

1. Observe

2. Decode
 3. Emit

1. Observe – myself and others nonverbal like face, voice, body and deviations from norm

a. Recognize my own self-absorption and how little I actually observe; don’t mistake people's
appearances for reality; don't be blinded by people's acting skills

b. Nonverbal Cues:

i. Facial Expressions – that go against what the person is saying or mixed signals loving
idea in words but faces and tone is strained; or indicates some additional information; correlate
emotions with facial expressions

ii. Voice – note changes in pitch or pace, says a lot about level of confidence; silences,
breathing patterns

iii. Body Language – posture, hand gestures, leg positioning, tension in neck and other
muscles

c. Pay attention to any deviations from a person's usual demeanor; observe how the person
changes when talking to a spouse/boss/employee; how they look when excited; be aware that a greater
part of nonverbal communication involves the leakage of negative emotions and so must give greater
weight to the negative cue

d. Know that everything people do is a sign; no such thing as a gesture that does not
communicate; but remember nonverbal cues are much more ambiguous and indirect – easy to make
mistake from own bias

e. With practice, will become increasingly sensitive to people's shifting moods and even
anticipate them as you feel inside something of what they're feeling

2. Decode – see beyond the mask, Dislike/Like, Microexpression, Dominance/Submission, Deception

a. See beyond the mask

i. People try to present the best possible front, concealing real motives and play on
peoples verbal fixation;

ii. register from within and physically feel in my the senses, subtext of message, what
people actively are hiding, real desires, emotions and moods; re-discover our natural childhood ability

b. Dislike/Like

i. Dislike - Hostility or resistance never comes out of blue; always signs like sudden
squinting, glare, pursing of lips until they disappear, stiff neck, torso or feet turn away while still talking,
folding of arms, overall tenseness in body; sudden silence and smile while fuming; positive comment but
negative body language; saving something strong about a general topic but with subtle looks they point
at you; people tend to leak out true feelings when drunk, sleepy, frustrated, anger, or under stress; the
value of detecting hostility is it increases your strategic options and room to maneuver like laying a trap,
intentionally stirring their hostility, win them over, or refuse to interact

ii. Microexpression – hard to notice feeling like dislike without it; lasts for a less than a
second; negative feeling shows quickly and then people suppress it; quick flashes in the face or body,
momentary glare, tensing of facial muscles, pursing of lips, beginnings of a frown or sneer or look up
contempt, eyes looking down; sneak up on someone and look for signs of displeasure; if suspect
someone of feeling envy then talk about latest good news and look for microexpression of
disappointment

iii. Like – generally less of a need to hide positive emotions but does happen; value in
being able to detect signs that people are falling under your spell; noticeable signs of relations in facial
muscles, in lines of the forehead and area around mouth, lips more fully exposed and whole area
around eyes widens; if love then blood rushes to face, animating all features, pupils dilate so eyes let in
more light, a sign people like what they are seeing; eyebrows will rise making eyes look bigger; stands
closer and leans in, arms not folded or revealing tension, frequent head nods, attentive gazes, exchange
more looks; synchrony when other person unconsciously mirrors you, including breathing patterns

• Smile – genuine smile will affect muscles around the eyes and widen them,
revealing crow's feet on the side of eyes, pulls cheeks upward; vs fake broad smile, not coming from any
action or words, unrelated to circumstances or not warranted

• Voice – very difficult to modulate; when excited and engaged, pitch rises
indicating emotional arousal; almost purring quality to voice like a vocal smile; absence of tension and
hesitation; in conversation there is an equal level of banter with pace quickening to indicate increasing
rapport

c. Dominance/Submission Cues

i. Confidence – relaxed especially in the face, greater freedom of movement, feel

allowed to look around more at others, choosing to make eye contact with whomever they please;
eyelids more closed as sign of seriousness and competence; if feeling bored or annoyed will show it
more freely and openly; often smiles less with frequent smiling being a sign of overall insecurity; feel
more entitled to touch people like a friendly pat on back or arm; in meeting may take up more space
and create more distance around themselves; stands taller; gestures are relaxed and comfortable

1. Alpha male – speak faster than others, feels entitled to interrupt and control
flow of conversation, handshake is extra vigorous and almost crushing, purposeful stride, making
inferiors walk behind them

ii. Insecure – displays tension and hesitation in nonverbal cues, talk in a more halting
manner with long pauses, voice will rise in pitch and stay there, averts their gaze and control eye
movements but blink more; put on more forced smiles and emit nervous laughs; won't touch others but
instead touch themselves in pacifying behavior such as in hair, neck, forehead; may hide insecurities by
asserting themselves a little too loudly with voice rising, looking around nervously with eyes wide open;
talk in animated way but hands and bodies very still as a sign of anxiety; gives off mixed signals
 iii. Superiority - May show up late to a meeting late, talk more and interrupt frequently,
find an action on other side that started it and finds someone to blame, has a tight smile in response to
something someone said, tightens facial muscles and indicates irony and concept for the person they
see as inferior; may use sickness sympathy to gain power

d. Deception Cues – plays on peoples propensity to believe people are mostly good and can be
trusted; better to be less gullible – look for contrived impressions and emphasis through voice and
gestures and eyes

i. Extra-animated front, smile a lot, seem more than friendly, even entertaining, may be
extra vehement, righteous, and chatty; playing on the conviction bias; one part of face or body may be
more expressive such as area around mouth with smiles and changing expressions, easiest to
manipulate; could be exaggerated gestures with hands and arms; may smile big but little movement in
body;

ii. if covering up may hide guilt behind an extremely serious and competent exterior, the
face becoming unusually still, not loud denial but instead offers highly plausible explanation of chain of
events with evidence; may even be slightly boring and use statistics;

iii. Remember reality is messy, has sudden random intrusions, pieces rarely fit so
perfectly; if explanation or come-on is just a little too slick or professional; missing rare and bizarre
element

3. Emit – appear sincere like a good actor; accept the theatrical quality of life; shape appearance for
maximum effect; master nonverbal cues, method actor, adapt to audience, create proper first
impression, use dramatic effects, saintly qualities

1. if act the same way towards everyone then you will be despised and ridiculed; people with
strong acting skills can better navigate social environments and get ahead; can lay guard down with
friends and intimate relationships; have more freedom to bring person qualities into role they place
once established as competent

2. Pickup peoples moods and mirror back to them in a relax manner, getting them to relax

i. Can induce positive cues by slowly standing or leaning closer, nod head and smile as
others talk, mirror their behavior and breathing; as you do this, watch for signs of emotional infection,
going further only when you detect the slow crumbling of resistance

3. Master the nonverbal cues – control cues and emit signs that are suitable and positive; seem
likable by flashing genuine smiles, welcoming body language, mirroring people; show dominance and
confidence cues; know that certain looks are more expressive than words in conveying disdain and
attraction; be aware of your nonverbal style so you can consciously alter certain aspects for better effect

4. Be a Method Actor – display proper emotions on command, feel sad when part calls for it by
recalling own experiences that caused such emotions or imagining it; point is to have control and not
show weakness by continually emoting whatever comes to you in the moment; put yourself in right
mood by imagining why I should feel an emotion suitable to the occasion or performance; surrender to
the feeling for a moment so the face is naturally animated; train self to return to a more neutral
expression at a natural moment

5. Adapt to your Audience – shape nonverbal cues to their style and taste

6. Create the proper first impression – people judge based on first impressions and have
difficulty in reassessing these judgements; best to tone down nonverbal cues and present a more
neutral front; too much excitement will signal insecurity or make people suspicious; relaxed smile and
look people in the eyes

7. Use Dramatic Effects – master presence/absence, selectively absent yourself, make people
want to see more of you and not less; cloak yourself in some mystery, displaying subtle contradictory
qualities; people don't need to know everything about you, learn to withhold information; make
appearances and behavior less predictable

8. Project Saintly qualities – embody what is considered good like progressive, supremely
tolerant and open-minded; give generously to certain causes; project sincerity and honesty; be
authentic by showing signs of humility; learn how to occasionally lower head and appear humble; get
others to do dirty work; use dominance cues to seem like you were destined for success, a mystical
effect

Determine the Strength of People's Character (The Law of Compulsive Behavior)

1. Observe Character in Action

2. Assess Character Strength and Toxic Patterns

3. Assess Character Source from Past

4. Build Character

1. Observe Character in Action - past or present situations and actions, see beyond the mask of myself
and others

a. Be aware and see through the illusions and facades - Give more value to character than
charm, intelligence or reputation or position; know people tend to cover up their weakness with
something positive; don't believe that a successful person is generous, intelligent or good - instead know
they have just as many character flaws as anyone else; people bring the character to the position they
occupy or the religion they practice

i. Ignore the front people display and instead plumb their depths for signs of their
character, patterns they reveal from their past, quality of decisions, how they have chosen to solve
problems, how they delegate authority and work with others

b. Actions Over Time - most significant indicator of character (e.g. disappearing when stress, not
completing work, turning belligerent when challenged or rising to occasion);
 i. Compulsive Actions - acting and operating under a compulsion beyond control, mainly
negative patterns that repeat and not isolated, prone to repeat the same decisions and methods,
engraved neurological pathway; people never do something just once, never just lose their head in the
moment…

c. Signs from Everyday Affairs - late with small work then late work large project; irritated by
small inconveniences then crumble under larger ones; forgetful of details then more so on important
ones; treatment of underlings vs superiors

d. Stress or Crisis - when people lose normal self-control and reveal insecurities, fear of failure,
lack of inner resilience; rise to the occasion and reveal strength under fire

e. Power or Responsibility - power simply reveals more of who we are; but when on top there
are fewer restraints and they will reveal something not seen before; or will stay true to their values like
empathy and respect before power

f. Choice of Spouse - someone they can dominate or control, less intelligent or successful, or
someone they can rescue; someone to fill the mommy/daddy role

g. Behavior away from work - competitive nature in game or sport; fear of being overtaken
when driving; must always be out in front; how people lose games

h. Test the above situations by a good natured joke; pass on a rumor; criticize them - to see how
they respond

2. Assess Character Strength and Toxic Patterns

a. Assess Strong vs weak Characters

i. Strong - overall resilience and adaptability; strength comes from self-worth; take
criticism and learn; persistent and does not give up easily; open to new ideas and ways of doing things
without compromising basic principles they adhere to; retain presence of mind in adversity; handle
chaos and unpredictable without anxiety; keep their patience and can organize a lot of materials;
complete what they start; subsume personal interests to good of group

ii. Weak - easily overwhelmed by circumstances, hard to rely upon; slippery and evasive;
cannot be taught because learning from others implies criticism; may appear to listen but will revert
back to what they think

b. Assess Toxic Types and avoid

i. Hyper-perfectionist (work hard, explode at people b/c of high standards, unable to

delegate tasks, must oversee and micromanage everything, and more about control and power than
high standards, fear of feeling dependent or trust someone, never satisfied by what others do)

ii. Relentless rebel (hate authority and love underdog, don't recognize rules or
precedents or conventions, need to deflate everyone but all stemming from a compulsion to feel
superior and powerful, not some higher moral quality)
 iii. Personalizer (seeming sensitive and thoughtful and maybe even a little sad,
appearing intelligent and considerate - but only sensitive inward, prone to take everything personally,
brood over things for days, irritable and touchy, inevitably pushing people away)

iv. Drama Magnet (high energy and stories to tell, animated features, witty, enmesh
others with their problems, positioning as victim)

v. Big Talker (impressive ideas and need backers but no real past achievements and
never finishes anything, wastes everyone's time, secretly afraid of effort and responsibility but crave
attention and power, blaming others for not realizing their vision)

vi. Sexualizer (seem unrepressed but really compulsive and coming from a dark place,
maybe abused by others or subtle touching and looks, sex becomes means of self-validation)

vii. Pleaser (seeming nice, considerate, accommodating, charming but then stop
showing up, doing job well, sabotaging - as a defense mechanism, smiling and deferential front to
deflect hostility, but greatly resenting role, yearning to harm or steal

viii. Pampered prince/princess (regal air, calm and slightly superiority, confident, but do
favors for them, working extra hard for no pay, expressing subtle need to be taken care of)

ix. A pleaser (seeming nice, considerate, accommodating, charming but then stop
showing up, doing job well, sabotaging - as a defense mechanism, smiling and deferential front to
deflect hostility, but greatly resenting role, yearning to harm or steal.

x. Savior (giving books, help, strategies to employ, right foods to eat but really about
power and control)

xi. Easy Moralizer (outrage at injustice, eloquent, conviction - but really lack of nuance,
no middle ground between good and evil, incapable of coming to terms with less than perfect people,
where morality is as easy and compulsive as drinking or gambling, requires no sacrifices on their part,
thriving in political correct culture - but really secretly drawn toward what they condemn)

3. Assess Character Source from Past

a. Assess genetics (predisposed toward certain moods and preferences, introvert/extrovert,

depression, anxiety)

i. Extroverts - governed by external criteria; what others think of them; what others like
and groups they belong to; open to ideas but only if popular in culture; value external things like clothes,
meals

ii. Introverts - more easily exhausted by outward activity; conserve energy; spend time
alone or with 1 or 2 people; interested in own opinions vs stats; love to theorize and come up with own
ideas; like to keep part of their life separate and have secrets

b. Parents (free/autonomous, dismissing, enmeshed-ambivalent, disorganized, and the resultant

particular to - hostile and aggressive, secure and confident, anxious and avoidant, needy and
enmeshing)
 c. Childhood and other sources as we get older (friends, teachers, romantic partners)

d. Later in Life - what we do to cover up character flaws (eg if anxious then appear outgoing and
carefree)

4. Build Character - mitigate or stop certain negative patterns, transform negative and weak aspects into
strengths, try to create new habit, actively shaping character and the destiny that goes with it

a. For others, determine a strategy for dealing with them such as avoiding them; if strong
character then associate with them

b. No Denial - denial by not taking notice in patterns or accept idea that earliest years left a deep
and lasting imprint that compels you to behave in certain ways; imagine that character is completely
plastic and can re-create yourself at will; or what you can follow the same path to power as someone
else even though they came from different circumstances; concept of a set character may seem like a
prison and so people resort to drugs or alcohol;

i. Cannot move against the grain of your character or wish it away; it's too powerful

c. True Character Formation -

i. Examine sources from past that form character, primal inclinations, mistakes that
continually hold you back, know your limitations and situations when you don't do your best, become
aware of your strengths in character that survived past adolescence

ii. As you see yourself falling into one of your usual patterns, you can catch yourself in
time and step back; may not eliminate such patterns but can mitigate their effects; knowing limitations
you will not try your hand at things for which you have no capacity or inclination; choose career path
that mesh with your character;

1) Accept and embrace character; desire to not become someone else but to be
more of yourself, realizing your true potential

iii. Redirect a toxic tendency or action into productive work - See character as clay to
work with, slowly transforming weakness into strength; don't run away from flaws but see as source of
power;

1) for each weakness, there is a corresponding strength

iv. Start Habits that Cultivate a Strong Character - slow formation of character; eg train
self to not react in moment by putting yourself in stressful situations; in boring tasks, cultivate attention
to detail; take on tasks slightly above your level; generous, open, empathetic, resilient under pressure -
strong and more flexible qualities

1) Require awareness and practice to truly become habits; This means the
weakest parts of our character are the ones that create habits and compulsive behavior b/c they don't
require effort or practice to maintain
Become an Elusive Object of Desire (The law Covetousness)

1. Identify Desire

2. Cultivate Desire Mindset

3. Use Desire Strategies

4. Covet Reality

1. Identify Desire – Identify person, behavior, object

2. Cultivate Desire Mindset - Grass-is-always-greener syndrome, Objectify

a. Grass-is-always-greener syndrome - It is not possession but desire that secretly impels people;
to possess something brings some disappointment and sparks desire for something new to pursue; prey
upon the human need for desire and the pleasure of chasing after them

i. Must continually renew efforts – once people get what they want or possess you, your
value and their respect begin to lower; keep withdrawing, surprising, and stimulating the chase

ii. Induction - opposite thought, forbidden or taboo, predisposing one to think about and
desire what they do not have

iii. Negative Bias from evolutionary traits – often expressed through complaining

iv. Imagination – what is real and what is imagined are both experienced similarly in the
brain; prone to continually imagine something better than present circumstances;
advertisers/movies/politicians bludgeon us over the head and attacks our senses hardening our
imaginations; in relationships we expose all likes/dislikes and blast out messages out of self-absorption
and laziness, leaving no room for imagination or fantasy

b. Objectify - Yourself and your work; just a person among others; sparks either
curiosity/excitement, indifference or even hostility; to the degree that you can see yourself and what
you produce as objects that people perceive in their own manner, you have the power to alter their
perception and create objects of desire; manipulate people’s perception

3. Use Desire Strategies – Withdraw, Rivalry, Induction

a. Withdraw – know how and when; coldness like could do without others and heighten value,
blankness and ambiguity of opinions/values/tastes so people can read into you what they want, physical
absence a for a day or week to create feeling of emptiness, and prompts several interpretations of an
open-ended presentation, and an active imagination/interpretation
 b. Rivalries – create rivalries of desire; when what we want reflects what other people want,
other people making money through some new gimmick then we want the same, creating a desire that
others desire me or my work, making object seen everywhere or even pirated, feeding rumors, negative
comments, or controversy through various media, getting important people or tastemakers to talk
about it and fan the flames, being indirect where people hear your stories without saying a word,
bringing a 3rd or 4th party to vie for you when negotiating

c. Induction - ever so slightly beyond limits, slightly illicit, unconventional, politically advanced,
voyeurism or peaking in private lives of others like watching a movie, revealing secrets about oneself or
how something was accomplished or others, and new, unfamiliar, exotic, or grasping for the
unattainable like quick wealth, success, lost youth, becoming a new person

i. Focus on what the other wants; unmet fantasies and repressed desires

4. Covet Reality

1. Although positive aspects of restless desire, must keep it under conscious control; make sure
desire for change is not vague and a reflection of boredom

2. My reality – is in environment of people you know and places you frequent; my mind is being
continually drawn far away from this reality because of human nature; try to escape through
travel/books but ceaseless desire for what is most distance never leads to anything fulfilling

i. Absorb mind in what is nearest instead of most distant; connect with people around
me on a deeper level, there is much you will never know about the people you deal with and can be a
source of endless fascination; connect more deeply to environment, its history and the many
opportunities for power; as for yourself, you have mysterious corners you can never fully understand,
get to know yourself better so you can take charge; work has endless possibilities for improvement and
innovation and imagination

a. Be careful about huge changes in your work and opt for more gentle change, choosing
a line of work related to previous one but requiring an adaption of skills; in relationships come to terms
with flaws, accept them or even find charm in their weaknesses, learn art of compromise and how to
make a relationship work; instead of chasing latest trends or what others find exciting, spend time
getting to know our own tastes and desires better so we can distinguish a true want vs. Manufactured
by advertisers;

3. Do not wait and hope for things to get better, but rather make the most of what you have

Elevate Your Perspective (The Law of Shortsightedness)

1. Observe & Avoid Shortsightedness

2. Farsighted Mindset

3. Farsighted Perspective Strategy

1. Observe & Avoid Shortsightedness

a. Avoid: vague goals and lack of deep thinking; feeling overwhelmed by the rush of immediate
events; improvising and reacting to events with insufficient information; battle against that short-term
thinking is wired into our system; makes us take notice mostly of what stimulates our senses and
emotions, missing the larger picture; grab for things that offer immediate pleasure without thinking
about long-term negative consequences, giving in to our animal nature, to what is most primitive and
potentially destructive

b. Unintended Consequences - alarmed by something in present, grab for solution without

thinking deeply about context, roots of the problem, the possible unintended consequences, basing
actions on insufficient information; cobra effect of noble intention but did not consider complex and
malevolent motivation of others

c. Tactical Hell - defensive, petty, reacting to moves of another person, embroiled in their
dramas and emotions, going in circles, wasting time by trying to win an argument through words instead
of actions, losing site of long-term goals, ladder of values and priorities in life

d. Ticker Tape Fever - caught up in a trend that may have distorted my thinking and is really
embedded in a larger trend that may play out over many months revealing the weaknesses of an
investment, strategic idea, sports team, or political candidate; microtrends of the moment; overreact to
any negative or positive change in the present

e. Lost In Trivia - information overload, losing sense of priorities, which facts are more
important, focusing on details that seem immediately important but ignore real risks, where everything
seems equally important; hard to see the forest from the trees

2. Farsighted Mindset

a. In present moment we lack perspective, with passage of time, we gain more information and
see the truth; what was invisible to us in the present now becomes visible in retrospect; time is the
greatest teacher of them all, the revealer of reality

i. At mountain base only see what is in front of eyes; go higher and realize what we
thought was not quite accurate and based off slightly distorted perspective; at top is panoramic view
with perfect clarity; passage of time is slow ascent up the mountain; what we saw 3 months after the
fact is not quite as accurate as one year later; can manufacture this through the farsighted perspective

b. See Passage of Time as a great ally, not an enemy – must widen relationship to time as much
as possible; each stage of life has advantages from youth to aging; death is equally your friend,
motivating you to make the most of each moment; time is a great teacher and master; lower anxiety
from awareness that a year from now the current problem will hardly seem so important; know that
time will reveal the weaknesses of your plans, you will become more careful and deliberative with them

i. Maintain a strong relationship with time – for future have clear goals; for past have
deep connection to childhood, know that most change is surface level and your character was set in
earliest years, along with inclinations, likes/dislikes; feeling organically connected to who you are gives a
strong sense of identity, which helps you maintain self-love and avoid deep narcissism and develop
empathy

3. Farsighted Perspective Strategy

a. Detach – distance from present; when facing a problem, conflict or exciting opportunity, must
detach from heat of the moment; calm down our excitement or fear; get some distance

i. Develop Patience – like muscle; use it to slow things down and step back, wait a day
before taking action; important to have faith that time will eventually prove us right and to maintain
resolve

b. Deepen & Widen Perspective – deeper look at source of problems and a wider perspective on
overall context; strategic thinking and calculating several moves in advance toward our goals

i. Context - don't grab for immediate explanation but instead dig deeper and consider
other possibilities and motivations for the people involved; look at overall context of event, not just
what immediately grabs our attention

c. Imagine Future - look further into the future and consequences of actions

i. Permutations & Think Deeply - Any action sets off a limitless chain of reactions; A
leads to B to C to D, pulling in other unpredictable actors, cannot possibly map out everything but at
least the more obvious negative consequences between success and failure; consider how the problem
or opportunity might play out over time; and how other problems not apparent in the moment might
suddenly loom larger than what we are immediately dealing with

ii. Think about Goals & Values

1. Think again about long-term goals; not vague dreams but concrete objectives,
along with a path mapped out to reach them; relative strengths/weaknesses of parties involved

a. Create a ladder of values and priorities in life, reminding yourself

what really matters; if you determine a particular battle is important, with a greater sense of
detachment can now plot a more strategic response; time, energy, and spirit must be important values

b. Use a mental filtering system based on a scale of priorities and long-

term goal; knowing what you want will help weed out the essential from non-essential; remember,
greater control will come from realistic assessment of situation; think about own lessons learned from
own patterns of behavior

d. Choose Best Action

i. As we go through this process, certain options and explanations will begin to seem
more logical and realistic than others that grabbed us in the moment;

1. Going through this process may convince you of wisdom of doing nothing or
waiting

ii. Pick Battles Very Carefully - Win through Actions, Not Words; calm ego down, winning
and argument or proving your point really gets you nowhere in the long run; more often than not
certain battles are not worth it in the end, a waste of valuable energy and time; always better to walk
away from a circular battle, no matter how deeply you feel personally invested in it

Soften People's Resistance by Confirming Their Self-opinion (The Law of Defensiveness)

1. Observe and Avoid Influence Mistakes

2. Use Influence Strategies

3. Be Open but Vigilant

1. Observe and Avoid Influence Mistakes

1. Continually find ourselves in situations in which we need to move people from their resistant
positions, and want to avoid the following:

2. Focused on yourself - don't try to charm with your own ideas, showing yourself in the best
light; hyping past accomplishments; this only has the effect of making others turn inward and think
more of their self-interest

3. Improvising in the moment, flailing about, plead, cajole, even make people feel guilty - more
than likely to just make them feel defensive; trying too hard to please

4. Disconfirm Self-Opinion

a. Challenge - Don't Challenge any aspect of their self opinion; in a discussion that might
turn into an argument, you make them feel stupid or brainwashed or less than good; don't even do this
in a subtle way; don't imply that you know better; this only makes people more defensive and resistant;
walls go up that never come down

i. Neutral - neither challenged nor confirmed; often happens if you try to be

reasonable and calm in approach, avoiding any emotional extremes; but people remain resistant and
dubious but you have at least not tightened them up and have room to maneuver them with rational
arguments

b. I am Acting in my own Free Will - but we feel consciously coerced like having to obey
a boss

c. I am Intelligent - but we make people feel gullible and less than intelligent;
disagreeing and imposing contrary opinion, implying you know better

d. I am a Good Person - but we tell them they are bad

e. I am Superior (e.g. tough, self-reliant, rebel) but we make them feel less so

5. Not Making the Effort - being overly honest; not thinking about others and figuring out a
strategic entry past their defenses; being lazy; speak honestly or do nothing as a moral choice; thinking
they can avoid the game - but in the end, being good at influence is actually more socially beneficial than
the moral stance; can influence people who have dangerous ideas

2. Use Influence Strategies

1. Reciprocation - assume inferior position; be subtle and ask for advice; then initiate a cycle of
favors by doing something small for them that saves them time or effort; then they will instantly want to
reciprocate and return the favor without feeling manipulated; once people do favors for you they will
continue b/c to stop helping you would call into question their intelligence for helping in the first place

a. Group - work this way in a group; will slowly expand your influence without it seeming
aggressive or even purposeful, the ultimate disguise

2. Transform Yourself into a Deep Listener - talk only 20% of time/listen 80% but still have lively
exchange, be motivated and see each person as undiscovered country full of surprises and an amazing
journey, paying attention the nonverbal cues and when their eyes light up when certain topics are
mentioned and guiding the conversation in that direction, with an occasional question or comment that
plays off something they have said or mirroring something said but in own words filtered through own
experience, where the other can feel good and be the star of the show, bringing out their wittier and
fun-loving side

3. Infect People with the Proper Mood - such as complete acceptance/non-judgmental,

unconditional love expressed via body language and looks, warm feeling of rapport through laugher and
shared pleasures, excitement, seeing someone in the best light

a. If relaxed and anticipate a positive experience, this will communicate itself and have a
mirror like effect

4. Actively Confirm and Validate Self Opinion

a. Lowers Defenses and Loosens Up - Validation helps the other feel inwardly secure,
not judged but accepted; we can relax; not needing to turn inward and defensive, we can direct our
minds outward - to a cause, new idea or happiness of the other; the golden key to unlocking people's
defenses - susceptible to suggestion and insinuation

i. Fulfills one people's greatest need; only other people can truly confirm that
we are independent, intelligent, decent and self-reliant; in a harsh world, we are prone to self-doubt
and so people almost never get this; creates a magical effect as if feeling drunk, at a rally or in love;
makes people relax

b. Instill a Feeling of Inner Security through Empathy - mirror their values; show that
you like and respect them; make them feel you appreciate their wisdom and experience; generate a
feeling of mutual warmed; get them to laugh with you; works better if not completely faked; should be
default position

c. Autonomy - free will and not feeling coerced or manipulated; experienced as their
choice, they perceive the favor you want as their desire and something pleasurable or rare opportunity,
as something other people want, small gifts spread out over time
 d. Intelligence - don't disagree but be more neutral and avoid challenging their ideas, if
opposing idea than say could be wrong, see their point of view and agree with it (winning arguments is
rarely worth the effort), disagree with vehemence and then slowly come to their point of view, flatter
their intelligence and then have some room to gently alter their opinion or lower their defenses

e. Goodness - supporting the right causes, not just buying x but supporting the
environment or keeping jobs local, putting myself in an inferior, one down position and commit
relatively harmless faux pas or even offend people and then ask for forgiveness, implying their moral
superiority, remind people what they have done for me in the past

5. Alley their Insecurities - identify their insecurities and be extra careful not to trigger them;
praise and flatter (about looks, creativity, masculinity, power status, uniqueness, popularity) what
people are most insecure and uncertain about and offer reassurance; praise people for their effort, not
their talent; with superiors, it is best to simply agree with their opinions and validate their wisdom;
multiple times over a period of time and then ask for help, don't appear to ingratiating in early
appearances and even show up cold; must appear as sincere as possible;

6. Use Peoples Resistance and Stubbornness - using judo to encourage aggressive energy and
resistances in order to make them fall on their own

a. Use their Emotions - channeling peoples emotions into a productive direction

b. Use their Language - use peoples words back at them; creates hypnotic effect

c. Use their rigidity so they came up with the idea on their own; they discover something
new on their own; if you agree with their rebellion and they are rebellious, it now means they are
following your advice, which is distasteful to them

3. Be Open but Vigilant

1. Acknowledge Stubbornness - You are largely unaware own stubbornness and how it limits
creative powers; just as body tightens with age, so does the mind; just as sense of weakness and
vulnerability motivated desire to learn, so does our creeping sense of superiority close us off new ideas
and influences

2. Open Mind - Ideal mind retains flexibility of youth but with reasoning powers of adult; be
open to influence of others; use influence strategies on yourself to soften up rigid mental patterns

a. Assume Ignorance - like Socrates, take the weaker and vulnerable position of an
ignorant child, always asking questions; be wiser than others by being aware of own ignorance; when
talking about something that is not your expertise, be careful not to just spout conventional wisdom and
not think through ideas

b. Humility - Imagine how people of 25th century will scoff at ideas like we do at the
17th century - our ideas are conditioned by prejudices of parents, culture, and the historical period we
live in, limited by the rigidity of the mind; more humility will make us more curious and interested in a
wider range of ideas
 c. Flexible and Playful Spirit - see own ideas and opinions as toys or building blocks;
some you will keep you, others know down - but your spirit remains flexible and playful

d. Temporality Suspend Disbelief and get to Soul of Thing - avert eyes from everything
that looks false or repellant; allow the other a long start; penetrate to the heart and soul of a new thing;
after getting this far, then reason can make its reservations;

e. Let go of Deepest Rules and Restrictions - upon occasion; such rules are merely
guidelines; to demonstrate our freedom, we must violate them from time to time

3. Don't Feel the Need to be Validated by Others - Admit you have a Self-Opinion but don't feel
the need to be validated, instead work at making yourself truly independent and concerned with the
welfare of others

1. Have some ironic distance from self-opinion; make yourself aware of its existence and
how it operates within you; come to terms that you are not as free and autonomous as you like to
believe; you do conform to the opinions of the groups you belong to; you buy products because of
subliminal influence; you can be manipulated; you are not as good as the idealized image of your self-
opinion

Change Your Circumstances by Changing Your Attitude (The Law of Self-Sabotage)

1. Observe Attitude & Sources

2. Attitude Mindset

3. Avoid Negative Constrictive Attitudes

4. Choose Positive Expansive Attitude

1. Observe Attitude & Sources

a. Become aware of own attitude and how it slants your perceptions

i. Catch Glimpses - Hard to observe because so close to you but can catch glimpses; see
how you judge people when out of your presence; quick to focus on negative qualities and bad opinions
or more generous and forgiving in their flaws; quick to forget or gloss over details when adversity; blame
others when bad things happen to you; dread change; keep to routines to avoid anything unexpected or
unusual; how people respond to you nonverbally like being defensive or the type of people I tend to
attract

1. Once you have good feel for makeup of own attitude, negative or positive
bent, you have much greater power to alter it and move in positive direction
 ii. We add color or subtract it from things and people; focus on the beautiful
architecture or annoying tourists, but Notre Dame Cathedral is merely carved pieces of stone; each of us
sees the world through a particular lens that shapes our perception;

iii. Attitude Readiness and Anticipation - of the psyche to act or react in a certain way;
we receive thousands of stimuli per day, but depending on our brain, certain stimuli lead to stronger
firings and responses; some of us are more responsible to stimuli that others ignore

1. Adds up to an Overall Mood – emotional background like depression,

hostility, insecurity, enthusiasm, or adventurousness; we experience many moods but in overall sense
we have a particular way of seeing and interpreting the world; dominated by one emotion or a blend of
several; people with a largely depressive attitude can feel moments of joy but they are more disposed
towards sadness; they anticipate it in their day to day encounters

iv. Positive or Negative

1. Although attitude comes in many varieties, can categorize my positive or

negative

a. Negative – operates from basic position of fear toward life; limit what
they see and experience to give more control; has self-fulling dynamic; such people make others feel the
negative emotion and do not see the role their actions play; how they are often instigators of a negative
response

b. Positive – less fearful; open to new ideas, experiences and emotions

b. Consider Attitude Sources

i. Genetics – born inclined towards hostility, greed, empathy, kindness

ii. Earliest Experiences and Parents – if mother or father was authoritarian or

judgmental, we will tend to be harsher on ourselves and have a more critical bent toward everything we
see

iii. Experiences as we get older – e.g. someone we love, we internalize their presence
and it shapes how we see the world; teachers/mentors/peers;

1. Our attitude is constantly being shaped by what happens to us, but vestiges
of earliest attitude always live on

2. Attitude Mindset

a. Believe in supreme power of attitude to alter your circumstances

i. Not a pawn controlled by others; but active player who can move pieces at will and
even rewrite the rules; feeling excited and adventurous, you can tap into energy reserves; mind and
body are one, and thoughts affect physical responses; can recover quicker from illness through desire;
not born with fixed intelligence but brain is able to continuously learn; can get through anything with
persistent
 1. View the way people treat you as largely flowing from your own attitude,
something you can control; do not be afraid to exaggerate the role of willpower, it leads to positive self-
fulfilling dynamic

2. See Shaping of attitude as most important creation in life; don't leave it to

chance

3. Attitude actively determines what happens to us – our health, relations with

people, and our success

b. Have Deep Soul – Openness

i. Soul is not the mind or body but rather the overall spirit we embody, our way of
experiencing the world; in modern times, replace soul with life force, which is complex and
unpredictable with power far beyond anything we can completely comprehend or control

1. On one side – people try to control this force; leads to destructive strategies;
limiting thoughts and actions and adaptability; everything is about them and their petty problems; may
become obsessed with money or attention; renders them dead inside; closes them off to richness of life
and variety of human experience

2. Deep Soul - have curiosity of a child, everything and everyone is source of

fascination, keep learning and expanding what I know and experience, feel generous and tolerant with
people including enemies, not blaming others or circumstances and instead taking responsibility for my
own role and actions, adapting to circumstances, accepting and embracing uncertainty and the
unexpected, expanding to the contours of life itself and fills itself with the life force

3. Avoid Negative Constrictive Attitudes

a. Hostile - stimulating anger and frustration in others, proving people are against them, reading
their own hostile feelings onto other people

b. Anxious - anticipate obstacles and difficulties in any situation, expect people to criticize or
betray them, stimulating unusual amounts of anxiety before the fact, limiting where one goes and
attempts, perhaps micromanaging, may be the "Pleaser" character

c. Avoidant - see world through lens of insecurities, generally doubts about competence and
intelligence, avoiding responsibility or challenge in which self-esteem might be at stake and judged, not
trying hard so can't fail, seek escape routes like a reason for leaving a job or relationship, or have
psychosomatic disease to blame, secretly afraid of the responsibility of success, lack of accomplishments
or great projects never stared

d. Depressive - feeling of worthless, ashamed of who I am, anticipating abandonment, loss,

sadness, seeing depressing things in the world around them, drawn to what is gloomy, may manufacture
depression to feel in control and temporarily withdraw, secret need to wound others and encourage
criticism, sabotaging themselves if any success feeling deep down it is undeserved
 e. Resentful - scanning people's faces for disrespect or disdain, scrutinizes you for insults; sees
everything in relation to themselves. seeing someone with more as personal injustice, holds in anger
and shrewdly takes revenge, the hurt incubates in them; seeing oppressors everywhere, air of
superiority

4. Choose Positive Expansive Attitude

a. General

i. Positive Thoughts (vs. Hostility) – approach people with positive thoughts, "I like
them", "They seem smart", feel such emotions

ii. Focus on Productive Work (vs. Anxiety and Depression)

iii. Be Open to People – their habits and pace of doing things; shows you have nothing to
fear from loosening control

iv. Take on Small Project (vs. Avoidant) - all the way to completion, embrace prospect of
failure

v. Listen to Depression – be aware of their necessity, body and mind's way of compelling
us to slow down, lower energies, and withdraw; solution is realize their usefulness and temporary
quality; depression today will go away in a week

vi. Let go of Hurts and Disappointment (vs. Resentment) – better to explode in anger,
even if irrational; people are generally indifferent to your fate so don't take things personally; respect is
earned not given for being human

b. How to View the World - see as explorer, not clinging to ideas and principles that were
adopted early in life, not afraid, leaving all certainty behind and searching for new ideas and ways of
thinking, seeing no limits where mind can roam, not concerned with appearing inconsistent or
developing ideas that contract with beliefs, seeing ideas as things to play with, returning to childlike
spirit, exploring all forms of knowledge across cultures and time periods, exploring insight from dreams
or when tired or from repressed desire

c. How to View Adversity - not restricting what one sees/experience/does, and instead embrace
all obstacles/pain/frustrations as learning experiences to get stronger; you have the power to determine
your response

d. How to View Yourself - not limiting how far I can go, not internalizing doubts of others, not
accepting what I think to be limits of my intelligence and creative powers, creating a self-fulfilling
dynamic - instead not being so humble, knowing whatever I am doing now that I am capable of much
more, believing I am descended from gods or at least destined for something great or important,
enterprising spirit of trying new things, taking risks, and confidence in ability to bounce back from
failures

i. Peak Experience - exerting yourself past what you thought were limits, overcoming
great obstacles, taking a trip to a different culture, deep bonding from love - when you are lifted out of
daily grind, expanding what you think about possibilities and life itself, sensing something larger and
more sublime

1. Deliberately go search of Peak moments – has effect of altering attitude for

good; expands what you think about possibilities and about life itself

e. How to View your Energy and Health - recognize the role that will power plays in health,
feeling ill when depressed or stressed, feeling love and excitement and so have more energy to recover
from illness; pushing myself past what I think are my physical limits by feeling excited and challenged,
not prematurely age by accepting physical limits

f. How to View Other People - not take what people say personally, knowing it stems from
earlier pain and I became convenient target, not reacting or getting upset by some petty battle; staying
interested - seeing people as facts of nature like flowers or rocks, all playing a part in social ecosystem

i. Does not mean we cannot struggle to change harmful behavior of those close to us or
in sphere of influence; but we cannot reengineer human nature; must accept diversity

Confront Your Dark Side (The Law of Repression)

1. See the Shadow

2. Integrate the Shadow Mindset

3. Embrace the Shadow

4. Explore the Shadow

5. Show the Shadow

1. See the Shadow

a. Recognize and Examine the Dark Side; once subjected to conscious scrutiny, it loses its
destructive power; be a detective in piecing together the shadow through the various signs; loosen up
tense muscles of repression

i. Dark Side Leakage – repressed less socially acceptable traits you naturally possessed as a child;
qualities people try to deny about themselves; so deeply repressed that people are generally unaware of
their shadow; operates unconsciously; voice and body language is altered almost as if another person or
a child; The more civilized and moral we outwardly become, the more potentially dangerous the shadow

i. Dark side behavior - contains deepest insecurities, secret desires to hurt people, even
those close to you, fantasies for revenge, suspicions about others, hunger for more power and
attention, haunts your dreams
 ii. Dark side triggers - Leaks out in moments of depression, anxiety, touchy moods,
sudden neediness, suspicious thoughts, off-hand comments you later regret; comes from always playing
a role and not being complete self; but at times unpleasant behavior comes out to release the inner
tension

ii. Childhood – look at traits in childhood that were drummed out of you by parents and peers;
certain weaknesses or vulnerabilities or forms of behavior or traits you were ashamed of

iii. Dreams – most direct and clear view of shadow; will find kinds of behavior you have avoided;
pay attention to the emotional tone and overall feelings they inspire, holding on to them throughout the
day; unexpected bold behavior or intense anxiety from certain situations; or sensations of being
physically trapped or soaring above it all as sign for hidden desires; or exploring a place that is forbidden
and beyond boundaries; anxieties from insecurities not confronting; write dreams down

a. Emotional Outbursts - losing self-control and sharply expresses deep resentment or says
something hurtful

b. Vehement denial - expressing opposite of what is buried within such as a person against
homosexuality

c. Accidental Behavior - falling into behavior one is trying to avoid, behavior when drunk

d. Over-idealization - powerful conviction, glossing over faults, inconsistencies, or downsides,

seeing a cause as black or white, moral…but then feel sanctioned to lie, cheat, manipulate, spy, falsify
data, get revenge, taking a great risk, bully, using statistics and anecdotes

e. Projection - cannot admit desires for sex, money, power, superiority in some where and so
project onto others, a person defends themselves but we project authoritarianism, looking for those
who are more assertive and ambitious but we despise them and give vent to what we cannot admit
ourselves, behind any vehement hatred is a secret envy

f. Contradictory Behavior – most eloquent sign of the shadow; emphatic traits that set them
apart and seem to be a source of strength like unusual confidence, exceptional niceness, moral or saintly
or tough; slightly exaggerated; the emphatic trait generally rests on top of the opposite trait, concealing
it; be extra wary

i. Tough guy - rough masculinity intended to intimate, concealing underlying softness,

emotional vulnerability from deep within, on occasion may cry, have a tantrum or show compassion,
touchy, thin-skinned

ii. Saint - support best causes or spiritual or above corruption - perhaps with great
power, leading a political party, but also shows shadow and become intolerant, failing at the impure,
punishing people, secretly drawn to sex, money, fame, and taboo, gurus who sleep with students, saint
in public but demonic to family

iii. Passive-Aggressive charmer - amazingly nice at first impression, let you in their life
quickly, smile, and helpful - but may show critical comment out of the blue, talk behind your back, ugly
blow up through some act of sabotage or betrayal, niceness has an aggressive edge, secretly resent
having to be so nice and can't maintain it
 iv. Fanatic - conviction for cause, speaks forcefully, radiate strength, gains followers but
becomes indecisive at wrong moment, burns out and falls ill, lost belief b/c of a massive insecurities and
doubt about self-worth, covering up with a mask of great belief like a drug, where I was taken by the
strength of peoples convictions

v. Rigid rationalist - experience primitive thinking as softness, mysticism, contrary to

science and technology, logical but really faith in science as a religious air, argue with extra intellectual
heft and touch a anger, revealing the stirring primitive within, and hidden need to bully, may be
professor running off with young model, or make bad career choice or fall for a financial scheme or
conspiracy theory

vi. Snob - need to be different, refined tastes in art, film, wine, food, music, more
alternative where really one is insecure about mediocrity, being ordinary

vii. Extreme Entrepreneur - high standards, attention to detail, does much of work
themselves leading to early success but doesn't listen, mistrust others with low standards, unable to
delegate and control the higher level, outward show of self-reliance disguised as desire to have other
take care of them

2. Integrate the Shadow Mindset

a. Don't Repress – solution is not more repression and correctness; can't alter human behavior
through enforced niceness; don't seek release of shadow in a group which can be dangerous

b. Integrated Human – especially comfortable with themselves; traits like they can laugh at
themselves; admit to shortcomings in their character, mistakes they made, playful or impish edge like a
child; can play role with a little distance

i. Authentic – have the natural traits most lost in becoming adults; not so touchy,
hypersensitive to any perceived slight, not uncomfortable with themselves;

1. can feel it in nonverbal behavior like relaxed or tense body language; flowing
or halting tone of voice; genuine smile or lack of it

2. We are completely drawn to the authentic types b/c we secretly mourn for
the child part of our character we have lost – the wildness, intensity of experience, open mind

3. Must Integrate child and adult, dark and the light, unconscious and conscious

3. Embrace the Shadow

a. Embrace and Integrate Opposing Qualities - with personality or goal or task, channel
aggressive and competitive energy into my work or empathy of people, showing authenticity; like
Lincoln channeling aggressiveness into debates

4. Explore the Shadow – has depths of creativity, primitive forms of thinking, dark impulses, fluid and
open, making surprising and creative free-associations between ideas, images from dreams, hunches,
intuitions - like Einstein, hunches that come out of nowhere, intuitions when my mind can roam freely;
we all have dreams/intuitions/ideas but we often refuse to pay attention to them or take seriously
 a. Unstructured Time - After prolonged research or work on a problem, can now allow my
unconscious to go to work and associate random ideas, where interesting ones bubble to the surface
and can take seriously; allow for unstructured time in which you can play with ideas, widen options you
consider, and pay serious attention to what comes to you in less conscious states of mind

b. Explore Dark Impulses – even criminal, and find a way to express them in your work or
externalize them like in a journal; watch movies or TV shows of dark side

5. Show the Shadow - respect my own opinion more and those of others less particularly in my area of
expertise, trust my native genius, assert myself more and compromise less but under control and in
opportune moments, start caring less what people think of to feel tremendous liberation, realize at
times must offend or even hurt people who block your path, have ugly values or unjustly criticize me, be
disrespectful child who mocks stupidity and hypocrisy of others, flout conventions that others follow so
scrupulously - and integrate my shadow today as a form of exorcism to release my demons and be
confident, decisive, and authentic

a. Being so nice becomes a habit, which easily turns into timidity, lack of confidence, and
indecision; at the same time, our shadow will show itself in explosive fits and starts, often to our
detriment

i. Many successful people are not so nice; more assertive and overly ambitious; care
much less what others think of them; flout conventions openly and proudly and rewarded for it; like
Steve Jobs whose dark side was inextricably interwoven with his power and creativity; didn't listen, went
his own way; the shadow is key for creative people

Beware the Fragile Ego (The Law of Envy)

1. Observe Envy Trigger

2. Detect Envy Signs

3. Detect Envy Types

4. Go Beyond Envy

1. Observe Envy Triggers

1. Triggers – circumstances that tend to trigger envy in almost everyone

a. Sudden change in status of friends or coworkers in same profession, occurs most

commonly among friends, getting older, natural gift and talents in physiology, better looks, athletic,
vivid imagination, open and generous nature

2. Social Media – envy is more prevalent than ever before; highly idealized image, most exciting
images from vacation, happy faces of friends and children, accounts of self-improvement, fascinating
people they are meeting, great causes and projects
2. Detect Envy Signs

a. Master Decoder – be ruthless in your analysis and get to the root of what motivates people;
the signs are of envy are hard to discern, but they exist, and the language can be mastered; think of it as
an intellectual challenge; by being able to decode it, you will not feel so confused; will understand in
hindsight that you suffered an envy attack; you might be able to see in advance the warning signs of
such an attack and either defuse it or deflect it; can weed out the false and fatal friends and colleagues
from the real ones who you can really trust

b. Microexpressions - evil eye, cheated face including corners of mouth turned down, nose
sneering, chin jutting out - that only last second or two, following by a strained fake smile

c. Poisonous Praise - little envy bites, offhand comments to get under skin, paradoxical praise,
underlying hostility

d. Backbiting - gossip as a cover for envy, sharing malicious rumors and stories, where people
started acting cold toward another

e. Push and Pull - praise too much early on, use of closeness to find weak points, followed by
criticism and then warmth, repeating a pattern

3. Detect Envy Types

a. Prone – Most alternative between wanting more and feeling satisfied; those prone to envy
rarely if ever have moments of satisfaction and gratitude; they transfer their initial envy to others they
see as disappointing or hurting them

i. Enact lifelong strategies to mitigate or repress these feelings;

ii. Literally looking for people to envy so they can reexperience the primal emotion;

iii. Active Envy – these types are most likely to turn into active envy; let passive go as it's
a part of life; they may involve sabotage our work, ruin a relationship, sully our reputation, torment our
criticism; see through the hostility into the underlying envy

b. Leveler - cannot appreciate excellence in anyone, those who achieve make them feel
insecure, highly sensitive to feelings of inferiority, rail at high achievers for gaming the system, often
celebrates lower culture and mediocrity, brings everyone down to their own mediocre level

c. Self-entitled Slacker - feel they deserve attention and rewards as if these are naturally due to
them, narcissistic, in work environment maintains position through charm and being political rather
than getting things done

d. Status Fiend - sensitive to rank and position in a group, measure status by attention and
respect received, most important determinant of self-worth, asks about how much money you make,
what kind of neighborhood, business class, and other petty things

e. Attacher - draw to successful or powerful not out of admiration but envy, may be an assistant,
but deep believed they are entitled to receive attention the other is getting without all the hard work,
may lack a clear sense of purpose
 f. Insecure master was - high position but insecure, secretly doubts whether they are worthy of
responsibility, sees others below them with more talent with envy, if work hard to impress, they will fire
you, secretly envies youth, energy, promise, justify the firing with some narrative or strange reason

4. Beyond Envy

a. Avoid Envy

i. Avoid Triggers - Strategically reveal some flaws to avoid setting off a trigger

ii. If under an Envy attack – control emotions; the envier feeds upon overreaction to
criticize you, justify their actions, and entangle you in further drama; get physical distance – fire them or
cut them off; do not imagine you can repair the relationship; defend yourself against public attacks or
gossip but do not harbor revenge feelings; best strategy is to let them stew in their cold poison from a
distance

b. Observe Envy as it happens – most of the time, you are only conscious of the resentment or
indignation you feel that covers up the pangs up envy; must overcome the natural resistance to seeing
the emotion as it first stirs within you;

i. We all compare ourselves with others; we all feel unsettled by those who are superior
in some area we esteem; and we react by feeling envy; wired into our nature

ii. Next time you hear or read about sudden success or someone in your field, notice the
inevitable feeling of wanting the same and the sudden hostility, however vague, toward the person you
envy; happens quickly and can easily miss the transition, but try to catch it; natural to go through this
and should be no guilt attached

1. Notice the transition from envy to unfairness/resentment/anger; seeing the

other person has lucky, ambitious, unscrupulous

iii. Monitoring yourself and seeing more such instances will help you in the slow process
of moving beyond envy;

iv. But impossible to rid oud ourselves of the compulsion to compare ourselves; too
ingrained in our nature; instead must aspire to slowly transform our comparing inclination into
something positive, productive and prosocial

c. Move Closer to what you Envy - see quarrels that go on behind closed door, horrible boss of
job, nothing is ever so perfect as it seems, wealthy people often miserable, imagine the disadvantages to
mitigate my envy

d. Engage in Downward Comparison - focus on those who have less than me instead of more,
harsher environment, dealing with more threats to their life, deeper levels of insecurity about future,
friends who have it worse, my health; stimulates empathy for those who have less and gratitude

e. Practice mitfreude - imagine and rejoice at the joy of others, actively feel their joy as a form of
empathy, creating rapport

f. Transmute Envy into Emulation - raise ourselves up to their level, spur to excellence, be
around people slightly above us in skill level, confidence and belief in our ability to learn and improve,
feel urge to get same for ourselves, develop a solid work ethic, persistency, having a sense of purpose
for calling in life, where what gives me satisfaction is realizing potential and therefore less need to
compare

g. Admire Human Greatness - opposite of envy, acknowledging peoples achievements,

celebrating them without feeling insecure, admitting their superiority in arts, science or business,
celebrating the highest potential of our species

h. Cultivate Moments of immense satisfaction divorced from own success - beautiful landscape -
mountains, see, forest, in awe of what we see, contemplate the immensity of the universe,
circumstances to be born, vast reaches of time before or after us - the sublime

Know Your Limits (The Law of Grandiosity)

1. Observe Grandiose Behavior

2. Observe Source of Grandiose Behavior

3. Use Practical Grandiosity

1. Observe Grandiose Behavior

a. Common Grandiose Behavior

i. Attributing Success to Superior self - instead of good luck, timing, contributions of

others, teachers who helped us, whims of the public in need of something new

1) Becoming more attuned to fantasies than to the people we work with; grow
distant from those who are helping us

ii. Career change - not realizing grandiosity is at root; present work is not confirming
your greatness and superiority; better to quit and entertain fantasies; but in this way never quite master
anything

iii. Career Disappointment - yet still believe they are great; may turn to various
compensations like drugs, alcohol, sex with many partners, shopping, a superior mocking attitude, a
manic attitude between big plans and being depressed

iv. Social Prestige - common way to satisfy their grandiose needs;

v. Idealize Leaders - worship them; by believing someone else will make everything
great, followers will feel something of this greatness; can feel superior to non-believers; may idealize
those they love, elevating them to god status, and by extension feeling some of this power reflected
back on them

vi. Showing negative Grandiosity - make a show of their humility, they are not interested
in power or feeling important; don't own a car or have much possessions; but must display this humility
in a public manner; grandiose humility - their way of getting attention and to feel morally superior
 vii. Grandiose Victim - often puts themselves in circumstances in which they are certain
to fail and suffer; compelled to create the drama that will turn them into a victim; suffered too much to
attend to your needs; they are the center of the universe; feeling and expressing their misfortune gives
them their sense of importance, of being superior in suffering

viii. Becoming Hysterical and Enraged when criticized; but normal for us to feel
defensive and a bit upset;

ix. Can't let go of mask in private moments - can't laugh at themselves, relax,
overidentified with public image that it carries over into private life; believing in their own myth

x. Big Talkers - take credit for anything that is even tangential to their work; even past
successes; talk about how they foresaw certain trends and predicted certain events, none of which can
be verified

xi. Low Levels of Empathy - not good listeners; when attention is not on them, they have
a faraway look in their eyes and their fingers twitch; only when the spotlight is on them do they become
animated

xii. Grandiose Nonverbal behavior - big and dramatic; take up a lot personal space; voice
is louder than others; speak at fast space, giving no one else time to interrupt

xiii. Moderate Grandiosity - alternating between periods in which we feel superior and
great and others in which we come back down to earth; signs of normalcy

b. Grandiose Leader Behavior

i. General - people with high levels of grandiosity, along with some talent and a lot of
assertive energy, can rise to positions of power; boldness and confidence attracts attention and gives
them a larger than life presence; must see through their tricks, demythologize them and scale them back
down to human size

ii. Destined for greatness - highlighting events from early on showing their creativity, in
gestation at a young age

iii. Common Man/Woman - presenting as highly representative of the average person,

uses homely metaphors, avoiding any whiff of cultural elitism, embody an entire nation or group, where
criticizing is to betray the cause

iv. Deliverer - rise to power in times of trouble, self-confidence comforting to the public,
large and vague promises so no one cannot be held responsible if failure, more grandiose means more
faith they will inspire, requires hatred of scapegoats to tighten the group identification, creating a cult
where their name/image/slogans are everything

v. Rewrite the Rules - do without conventions and rules to gain power, present as
maverick, no science

vi. Golden Touch - create a legend they have never failed, or if failure then blames
other, believe they can easily transfer skills, magically gifted, attempts things beyond their expertise and
complexity
 vii. Invulnerable - takes risks and actions that create a splash to keep attention on them,
so many times in past got away with risky maneuvers, if setbacks always overcame them through more
audacity, godlike - until goes to far and crashes down

2. Observe Source of Grandiose Behavior

a. Lack of Proportions - is Grandiosity; believing goals are easy to reach, people are not resistant
and won't surprise or frustrate you, and you have no limits; unrealistic attitude; seeing task in front of
you as small instead of large; believe things will happen quickly and won't take long; everyone will love
your idea; you become larger and greater than anything else around, and is the lens through you view
people and tasks; not only is this deep narcissism in which everything must revolve around you but also
seeing yourself as enlarged, as superior and worthy of not only attention but of being adored; being
godlike, causes you overestimate your skills and underestimate the obstacles that you have; and so take
on tasks beyond your capacity

i. People desire to have their high self-opinion confirmed by others who admire them, to
feel powerful and inflated

b. Deep need to feel important and superior to others in something - intelligence, beauty,
charm, popularity, saintliness

c. Childhood - as baby, mother was attached but then learn she is separate; realizing we are
rather weak, small and dependent and this is painful; and so have deep need to assert ourselves, show
we are not helpless, and fantasize about powers we do not have (like imagining seeing through walls,
flying, reading minds)

i. As we age - sense of insignificance gets worse; realize we are not just 1 person in a
larger family, school or city but in an entire globe filled with billions of people; our lives are short and
have limited skills and brainpower; so much we cannot control in our career and global trends; the idea
we will die and be quickly forgotten, swallowed up in eternity is intolerable; so we want to feel
significant in some way, to protest against our natural smallness, and expand our sense of self

ii. Some children are pampered and believe they are born with a crown; they never
alternate between feelings of smallness and greatness; becomes master at manipulating others; this
pampering is more common today than ever before

d. Idealize and Worship ourselves - Lack of attachment to great causes and religions - connecting
us to something much larger than ourselves, so we felt enlarged;

e. No respect for authority - or experts of any kind, no matter their level of training and
experience; no sense that anyone is rightly above them and deserving authority, and so position
themselves as highest

f. Technology

i. Believing everything is fast and simple because of technology - belief we no longer

have to spend years learning a skill; instead a few tricks and a few hours a week of practice and one can
become proficient; believing skills can easily be transferred
 ii. Social Media - we have limitless power to expand our presence, create an illusion that
we have attention of thousands or millions of people; possess the fame and ubiquity of kinds in the past,
or even gods themselves

g. Grandiose from Success - increased attention from individual or group, a promotion, funding
for a project - may cause confidence to rise too quickly; creating an ever-growing discrepancy between
our self-opinion and reality

3. Use Practical Grandiosity

a. Can be a positive; impels us to change; push past our limits and learn; exuberance and high
self-belief can be channeled into your work and inspire you; impels us to want something more than we
have and to feel connected to something larger

i. The problem is not the energy itself, which can fuel our ambitions, but the direction is
takes; normally we feel fantastical grandiosity, and imagine we are greater and more superior than is
actually the case; instead we want practical grandiosity, which not easy to achieve and does not come
naturally but can be a tremendous source of power

ii. Practice Grandiosity - Based on reality and not fantasy; channel into work and desires
to reach goals, solve problems, or improve relationships; impels us to develop and hone our skills;
attract attention through work but the greater sense of gratification comes from work itself and from
overcoming our own weaknesses; desire for attention is under control; self-esteem tied to real
accomplishments and not fantasies; feel our presence enlarged through work and what we contribute to
society

b. Analyze Components of Success - see the element of luck, role that other people played in
your good fortune; remind yourself that with success comes complacency and so must raise your
vigilance; wipe the slate clean with each new project, starting from zero;

c. Embrace your limits Mindset - work with what you have; don’t believe bigger is better;
consolidating and concentrating is often the wiser choice; accept your limitations and work with what
you have rater than fantasize about godlike powers; simply one person among many in the world; not a
god but a flawed human like the rest of us; accept that you cannot control people and human nature is
too unpredictable; sense of proportion

i. Maintain realistic attitude - you know subjects and activities you are naturally
attracted to; cannot be skilled at everything; you need to play to your strengths and not imagine you can
be great at whatever you put your mind to; have a thorough understanding of your energy levels, of
how far you can reasonably push yourself, and how this changes with age; have a solid grasp of your
social position including allies, people with whom you have the greatest rapport, natural audience for
your work; cannot please everyone

ii. Feels Easy and Fearful

 1) Easy - when doing activities that mesh with your natural inclinations, you feel
ease of effort; learn faster; have more energy and can withstand the tedium that comes with learning
anything important; you don't feel tired and irritable by taking on too much

2) Fearful - With success comes a touch of fear, as if good fortune good

disappear; sense the dangers that can come from rising too high and feeling superior; anxiety is telling
you to come back down to earth

d. 5 Principles of Practice Grandiosity

a. Come to terms with my grandiose needs - to feel important, be center of attention,

feel superior

b. Concentrate my energy - focus deeply and completely on single project or problem,

simple goal within time frame of months and not years, broken down into mini steps, in order enter a
state of flow, completely absorbed in work where ideas come at odd hours, not multi-tasking, not the
number of hours but the intensity and consistent effort, where the project involves skills I have or in
process of developing

c. Maintain a dialogue with reality - open to feedback and criticism from people I
respect, hear about flaws of plan as way to improve, not staying too long in the imagination phase
becoming grandiose and detached from reality - maintaining a continual dialogue between reality
(feedback) and imagination in order to create something practice and powerful

d. Calibrate the challenge I can seek out - where the challenge is not so great I may
peter out, or become overwhelmed or just below my skill level creating boredom, that is just above my
skill level, calibrated to be more challenging than the last project but to a modest degree, feeling excited
and energized

e. Loosen my grandiose energy - upon occasion, letting loose like a wild animal that
need to roam free now and then or it will go mad from restlessness, entertain ideas or projects that
represent greater challenge than considered in the past, feel increasingly confident and want to test
myself, developing a new skill in an unrelated field, writing a book, or giving freer rein to imagination
when planning, allowing myself to ever so godlike because I have come so far with improving my skills
and actual achievements

e. Apply reverse grandiosity - or the oceanic feeling, or the Sublime - formation of earth and life
billions of years ago that were so improbable, how humans survived, being born and alive for just this
brief time, and being ecstatic at the sense of being a drop in the ocean

Reconnect to the Masculine or Feminine Within You (The Law of Gender Rigidity)

1. Accept the Anima/Animus

2. Observe Anima/Animus

3. Become aware of the Projecting Mechanism

4. Integrate and Relate More to the Natural Feminine or Masculine parts

1. Accept the Anima/Animus

a. Accept that our irrational side comes out when dealing with the opposite sex in love or at
work

i. We never really understand what is happening; too much of our unconscious is at

play; no rational access to its processes; exists in unconscious but comes to the surface when a person
with the opposite sex fascinates us

1. The attraction may be purely physical – but more often the person who draws
our attention bears some resemblance – physical or psychological – to parent of opposite sex

b. Source – genes and parent of opposite sex

i. As child, we adopt positive and negative traits, including the shadow side, from
parents of opposite sex; the association with the parent of the opposite of sex will be charged with
emotions

ii. At some point, these traits from the opposite sex parent will tend to become
repressed and sink to unconscious

iii. If mostly positive opposite sex parent, then find someone like them, inconsistent
attention then look for an imperfect lover, negative then rebel

2. Observe the Anima or Animus

a. Observe Intimate Relationships

b. Hypermasculine/feminine

i. Beneath the surface lurks the opposite; when people go extra far in repressing, these
will tend to leak out

3. Become aware of the Projecting Mechanism

a. Projections have a positive role to play; could not stop them if you wanted to; without then,
you would not be attracted to others; once relationship develops, must have power and awareness to
withdraw your projections and see people as they really are; once connected, you can continue to
idealize them but based on actual qualities they possess

b. See how yourself and others project to gain access to the unconscious; will help you
understand something profound about your earliest years

i. Be attentive to how others project onto you their needs and fantasies; when caught
up in other peoples projection, the temptation is to live up to their idealization of you; without realizing
it, you begin to play the role they want you to play, you become the mother or father they crave; but
you will resent it as you are not being yourself and not appreciated for your true qualities
 c. Devlish Romantic projections - Daughter addiction to attention of father, becomes goal to
recapture attention, any association with father figure sparks the projection, so she invents or
exaggerates the mans romantic nature, man may be powerful, animus is aggressive and seductive with
fathers energy

d. Elusive Woman of Perfection projections- fashioned in imagination, not who he thought she
as, young, elusive, a bit cold at the core and a blank screen upon which men can project whatever they
want, a muse to spark imagination, loosen up rigid mind.

e. The lovable Rebel projection - slightly taboo relationship, father would not approve, no job,
lazy, conventional, controlling - woman projecting strong, patriarchal father who was distant, strict,
order, rules, conventions, and critical

f. The Fallen Woman projection - different culture or cIass, less physically restrained or not
educated - but very clever and strong willed, man wants mother for a wife but much stronger attraction
to the whore/fallen woman, man repressed the playful/sensual sides of character, danger and naughty
pleasure attract the man

g. The Superior Man projection - confident, powerful, business-man/professor/guru/artist,

woman gets indirect feeling of strength and superiority, compensating for the criticism of father

h. The Woman to Worship Him - life is hard for him, finds woman who is attentive, warm,
engaging but then relationship develops and is no longer nice and attentive, male projection from
mother who adored son with attention, perhaps never quite getting what wants from her husband -
choose particular type of woman to play mother role

4. Integrate and Relate More to the Natural Feminine or Masculine parts

a. Mindset

i. Have Mindset of turning inward moving closer to my anima, bringing closer to my

unconscious, creative treasure, where the fascination I feel in relation to the feminine in others, I can
now feel in relation to my work, thought processes and life in general

ii. Return to the harder or softer sides of your character you have lost or repressed; that
assertiveness you desire in a man, or empathy in a woman, is something you need to develop within
yourself, bringing out that feminine or masculine undertone; integrate the traits that are within you but
repressed; our task is to embrace the opposite

1. Returning to your inner nature contains power – unleashes energy; mind will
recover natural fluidity; you will understand and relate better to those of opposite sex; you will rid
yourself of the defensiveness in relation to your gender role and feel secure who you are;

iii. Channel the inner shaman

1. Nearing the age of 40, a potential midlife crisis (soulless work, spiritless
relationships, new experiences, danger) stemming from identity (imbalanced, rigidly identified with our
role and mask, rebel against the traits of the opposite sex that are biologically a part of us) is possible
 2. Be the shaman - inner woman or wife he listened to closely and guide him,
return to original nature unleashing elemental power and energy

b. Must see the masculine and feminine as completely equal in potential reasoning power and
strength of action, but in different ways; these styles have been reflected in behavior of men and
women for thousands of years; some are physiological differences, some stem from culture

c. Style of thinking

i. Masculine - separating, categorizing, contrasts, takes things apart, analyze parts that
go into whole, linear, sequencing steps, outside perspective, emotional detachment)

ii. Feminine -focus on whole, how part connect, overall gestalt, organic process itself or
how one thing grows into another, meditate on several aspects, absorb patterns, and let answers come
over time as if they needed to be cooked, leads to insights when hidden connections become visible in
intuitive flashes, how different fields connect

d. Style of action

i. Masculine - move forward, explore, attack, vanquish, offensive, risk taking

ii. Feminine - withdraw from immediate problem, contemplate more deeply the options,
look for ways to avoid conflict, smooth out relations, to win without having to go to battle, nonaction as
the action, let the enemy hang itself by its aggressive actions, patience, resilience, flexibility

e. Way of relating to people and leadership

i. Masculine - requires a leader, aspire to that role or gain power by being loyal follower,
designates deputies to do their bidding, form hierarchies and punish those who fall out of line, highly
status conscious, hyperaware of their place in the group, leader uses some element of fear to keep
group cohesive, identify clear goals, puts emphasis on results

ii. Feminine - maintaining group spirit, keeping relationships smoothed out, with fewer
differences among individuals, more empathetic, consider feelings of each member, trying to involve
them more in decision-making, results are just as important as process

f. Self-assessment and learning

i. Masculine - look outward and find other people or circumstances to blame, sense of
self is deeply tied to success and so not look inward at failure, feeling completely responsible for success
in life, blinding to element of luck and other grandiose tendencies)

ii. Feminine style - if failure then blames themselves; if success then look at the role of
others in helping them

Advance with a Sense of Purpose (The Law of Aimlessness)

1. Observe Current Purpose

2. Find your sense of Purpose and Elevate It

1. Observe Current Purpose

a. Observe Purpose Type – gauge what is guiding behavior

i. False purposes like pleasure, money, attention, power for its own sake, stability; gives
illusion of purpose; real purpose comes from within like an idea or calling we feel personally connected
to and is our own; false purposes come external sources like belief systems swallowed whole or
conformity to what other people are doing; false purpose lead downward, to animal side of nature – to
addictions, loss of mental powers, mindless conformity and cynicism

1. Pursuit of Pleasure (avoiding pain, sex, stimulants, entertainment, eating,

shopping, technological fads, game, where the moments of pleasure got duller through repetition and
so needed more)

2. Causes and cults (micro causes that seem passé after 10 years, substituting
extreme conviction and hyper belief for a clear vision, enemies are the source of all that is wrong, where
the cause emerged not from an internal process in which I thought deeply about the subject)

3. Money and success (aim for biggest pay, career choice no connection to
actual inclinations, field crowded by insatiable hunters of money and success, short term thinking, feels
soulless and may become depressed )

4. Attention (dependent on applauding, size of army they command, which is

now democratized through social media which anyone can do, tie self-image and esteem to attention
received)

5. Cynicism (feeling there is no purpose or meaning in life, random, standards

of excellence are old-fashioned, all judgements are equal, all politicians are corrupt, success comes from
gaming the system, distrust all authority, everyone is selfish, reality is ugly - but really just lazy) instead
of noticing the beauty that purpose is behind everything

ii. Struggling to find purpose – perhaps you can help them or each other

iii. High Purpose – befriend them; force multiplier, incorporating the many sides to my
character, bounce back from adversity, momentum, ask more of myself, fighting for a cause instead of
money; all decisions and actions have greater power because they are guided by a central idea and
purpose

1. Real purpose leads us upward; we improve our skills and sharpen our mind;
we realize our true potential

b. Emotions from purpose or lack thereof

i. Boredom in accumulating skills, practicing vs. embrace the learning as exciting, focus
deeply, build momentum, retain what I learn because emotionally engaged, learn faster, creative, ideas
come out of nowhere with mind teeming with fresh information
 ii. Insecurity from lack of accomplishments vs. overall sense of advancing, realizing some
or all of my potential, got things done in the past, moment of doubt but only related to quality of work
than self-worth

iii. Anxiety and stress from a deadline or dream vs. not thinking too far ahead and
getting overwhelmed, focus on smaller goals along the way, retaining urgency and regulating anxiety to
come us going, develop high tolerance for stress by being mentally and physically active with adrenaline
pumping

iv. Depression from no sense of purpose vs. feel excited and above pettiness, on a
mission, realizing life's work, contributing to something larger than ourselves, even death loses it sting

1. Without belief systems or conventional thinking, we have no obvious

compass points to guide our behavior and decisions, and this can be maddening; we humans crave a
sense of direction; but the compass does exists

c. Observe Uniqueness of individual purpose

i. Path taken by greatest achievers and contributors to the advancement of human

culture; we only have to see the path to take it

ii. Uniqueness comes from one of a kind DNA, particular way our brains are wired, and
experiences as we go through life that are unlike any others; consider this uniquness as a seed planted
as birth with potential growth; our uniqueness has a purpose; it is stamped upon us by nature itself (e.g.
some are drawn to music or helping people or particular forms of knowledge); it is inherited and there
for a purpose

1. Bring uniqueness to flower through particular skills and nature of work

2. Primal Inclinations – or Uniqueness – is hard to see but is clear to us in early

childhood when we are drawn to particular subjects or activities, despite the influence of our parents;
speaks to us like a voice which may become drowned out by parents, teachers, or culture at large; we
are told what to like, what is cool or not cool and so we lose a sense of who we are, what makes us
different; we choose career paths unsuited to our nature

2. Find your sense of Purpose and Elevate it

a. Mindset

i. Contribution can come in many forms – don't have to be an entrepreneur or famous;

can do just as well as one person if group or organization, as long as you retain a strong point of view
that is your own, and you use this to gently exert your influence; could be raising a family; no calling is
superior to another; what matters is its tied to a personal need and inclination, and what your energy
move you toward improvement and continual learning from experience

ii. Young or Old

i. If young, explore the world freely, accumulate adventures but all within a
certain framework; if older and have gone astray, take the skills you have acquired and find ways to
gently channel them in the direction that will mesh with your inclinations and spirit, and avoid sudden
and drastic career changes that are impractical

iii. Uniqueness - Go as far you can in cultivating your uniqueness and originality; in a
world full of people who seem interchangeable, you cannot be replaced; you are one of a kind; your
combination of skills and experience is not replicable; that represents true freedom and the ultimate
power we humans can possess

i. Connect – we must connect to our uniqueness as strong as possible, and learn

to trust that voice; to the degree we manage to do so, we are greatly rewarded; we have a sense of
direction in the form of an overall career path that meshes with our particular inclinations; we have a
calling; we know which skills we need and want to develop; we have goals and sub-goals

iv. Commit to developing or strengthening your sense of purpose

i. This is hard; you face many enemies or obstacles; distracting voices of others
who instill doubts and your calling and uniqueness; your own boredom and frustrations with the work
itself and slow progress; burnout that comes with focused labor over long periods

b. Discover your calling in life

i. Primal inclinations - earliest years when clearest, may not be easy to remember
requiring introspection and digging, moments when unusually fascinated by a particular subject, object,
activity or form of play, like when Jobs saw electronic store or Tiger golfing at age of two was

ii. Moments of visceral attraction occurring suddenly without prodding from parents or
friends

iii. May also happen when older like MLK, realizing his mission

iv. Moments in life when certain tasks or activities felt natural and easy like swimming
with a current

v. Greater sense of tolerance for tedium of practicing, peoples criticism don't discourage
me so easily

vi. Particular forms of intelligence my brain is wired for like math/logic, physical activity,
words, music, images, social...

vii. Several Types of Knowledge – does not require we follow one simple line or narrowly
focus our inclinations; our path involves mastery of a variety of skills and combining them in highly
inventive and creative ways like da Vinci

viii. Take skills already developed and a find a way to adapt more in direction of my true
calling

ix. Often not a lightning-bolt moment, for most of us it requires continual introspection
and effort
 x. Experimenting with the skills and options related to your personality and inclinations
is not only the single most essential step in developing a high sense of purpose; it is perhaps the most
important step in life in general

c. Use Resistance and Negative Spurs

i. Embrace negative experiences, limitations, even pain as means of building skill levels
and sharpening sense of purpose .

ii. Understand importance of manageable levels of pain and discomfort (e.g. exercise
yields strength and stamina)

iii. Embracing the tedium of practice b/c frustration is a sign of progress as mind
becomes aware of higher levels of skill yet to attain

iv. Use/embrace or even manufacture deadlines to intensify purpose, urgency like killing
oneself if don't master skills

d. Absorb Purposeful Energy

i. Avoiding too much contact with those of a lower or false purpose, associate with
those of higher purpose like mentor or teacher, finding others with skills I lack who are pragmatic and
give practical advice to get things done, and not just charismatic or visionaries, not settling for virtual
associations or mentors b/c doesn't have same effect

e. Create a ladder of descending goals

i. long-term goals, 5 moves, daily micro goals to help focus, continually remind of larger
goal and not get lost in details, retain degree of flexibility to reassess progress and adjust goals as
necessary, learning from experience and adapting

f. Lose Yourself in the work

i. Peak Experience

i. Wait until further along in process, at least more than half way through a
project, or several years of study in field, when naturally filled with information and practice, ripe for a
peak experience

ii. Schedule uninterrupted time and how I can accomplish it (as many hours or
days in week as possible, eliminate usual distractions, plan on disappearing as a religious retreat or even
a bike ride

iii. Emphasis the work (never on myself or desire for recognition, fusing mind
with work itself, without doubts about myself or personally obsessions to interrupt flow

iv. Look at this as a form of religious devotion to your life's work; such devotion
will eventually yield moments of union with the work itself; a type of ecstasy that is impossible to
verbalize until you have experienced it
Resist the Downward Pull of the Group (The law of Conformity)

1. Observe yourself and Resist the downward pull of groups of any size

2. Observe Dynamics of the Groups you belong to or interact with

3. Create a positive group dynamic

1. Observe yourself and Resist the downward pull of groups of any size

a. Mindset - assume you are not nearly as much of an individual as you imagine; to a great
extent

i. Your thoughts and belief system are heavily influenced by the people who raised you,
your colleagues at work, your friends, and the culture at large; be ruthlessly frank with yourself; Look at
how your ideas and beliefs alter the longer you stay within a particular group; you are under subtle
pressure to get along and fit in, and you will respond without being aware; think of how many times you
have promoted an idea that is contrary to what the group wants and held onto for a long period, it will
probably be rare; look at bad decisions the group has taken, and how often you went along with them;
how you lose the ability to reason on your own, a prize possession of being human;

1) Must not by in denial that the automatic social force exists; don't
unconsciously follow what others say and do, losing ability to think for ourselves; when facts with a
critical decision, we imitate what others have done, leading to inappropriate decisions

ii. Accept that we are drawn to this force; we feel attracted to numbers, a sports
stadium, choirs of people singing, parades, carnivals, concerts, religious assemblies, political
conventions;

1) We are reliving what our ancestors invented and refined - the gathering of
the clan; we have a love of crowds for their own sake, they make us feel alive and vital; music and dance
epitomize this aspect of the social force, the group experiences the rhythm and melody as one

2) Accept - the social force is neither positive nor negative; it is simply a

physiological part of our nature

b. General Tasks

i. Develop the ability to detach ourselves from the group and create some mental space
for true independent thinking

1) Does this anxiety or outrage that we feel come completely from within, is it
inspired by the group?

ii. Observe the size and chemistry of the group - in general, the larger the group, the
more intense is the effect; when among a very large group of people who share the same ideas or
values, we feel quite a rush of increased strength and vitality and communal warmth; we feel the
sublime in a very large group;
 iii. As thought experiment, try entertaining an idea that is very opposite of the group
you belong to or conventional wisdom; see if there is any value in deliberately going against the grain

iv. Lower your permeability by raising your self-esteem - the less certain about our self-
worth as individuals, the more we are unconsciously drawn toward fitting in and blending ourselves into
the group spirit; if you feel strong and confident about what makes you unique - your tastes, values,
your own experience - you can more easily resist the group effect; by relying upon your work and
accomplishments to anchor your self-opinion, you won't be so tired to constantly seeking approval and
attention

1) Don't become self-absorbed or cut off from the group - outwardly you do
what you can to fit in, but inwardly subject the ideas and beliefs of the group to constant scrutiny,
comparing them with your own, adapting parts or all of those that have merit in rejecting others that go
against your experience; put focus on ideas themselves, not where they come from

c. The Individual Effect

i. Desire to Fit In - through appearances/dress, Ideas/values/beliefs, verbal expressions,

rebel and be fired, where over time the parts of my thinking that were a little different from others,
reflecting my uniqueness, are slowly trimmed away, like a shrub made to match others, so that all issues
I agree with the group

ii. Need to Perform - not just in thinking but exaggerate our agreement and show others
we belong, acting what we say and do so others accept and like us, automatically adapting performance
to size and audience like boss or friends, minimizing my flaws and acting confident

iii. Emotional Contagion - primed from early age to pickup emotions of others,
unconsciously aware moods and emotions of others, may displace my own emotions, where more
vulnerable to those we are closest with - such as anxiety, fear, joy, excitement, tiredness, apathy,
intense anger or hatred

iv. Hypercertainty - when I felt my doubting, reflective mechanism neutralized, and

instead made me feel more certain about what we are doing, making me more prone to taking risks,
feeling unusually certain and excited about a plan or idea

2. Observe Dynamics of the Groups you belong to or interact with

a. Mindset - consider yourself an anthropologist studying the strange customs of an alien tribe;
look deeply at the culture or group, how it 'feels' from within, the feeling contrasted to other groups you
have belonged to; catch the social force as it molds the group into an organism; goal is maintain as a grip
on reality as possible, groups tend to share beliefs that are one-sided, giving greater weight to
information that fits their preconceived notions; taken far enough, groups can hold beliefs that are quite
delusionary

i. Must observe the group with a degree of distance to be aware of the distorting effect
on your perception; become gifted social actors and outwardly fit in, while inwardly maintaining some
distance; enables us to make good decisions
 b. Group Culture - own group language, customs, ways of looking at the world and thinking,
more pronounced among nations with long traditions but also happens at a company, loosely structured
and easy going vs. top-down and afraid of stepping out of line, feel superior and separate with elitist
attitude vs. populism, cutting edge vs. traditionalist, open information flow vs. leadership control and
monopolize the flow, masculine/hypercompetitive vs. fluid and cooperative, dysfunction and disunity vs.
productivity and quality of work )

a. and the overall identifiable spirit and ideal (liberal, modern, progressive, ruthlessly
competitive, tasteful) that binds the group - as well as the personality of the group founder (rigid or
loose)

b. large group that has existed for a long time, and that is more conservative - desire to
hold on to what people have made or built, maintain the status quo, which may become the death of
the group because it loses the ability to adapt

c. Rules and Codes

i. Intuitively sense rules of behavior, and see them in action; why do they exist and what
do they say about the group?; will make it much easier to navigate the social space and maintain a
degree of detachment;

ii. Implicit rules and codes that are never written, rules that evolved and become set, if
violated get fired, group imposes own order with these rules without policing, regulating acceptable
appearances, how much free talk in meetings, quality of obedience in relation to bosses, expected work
ethic

i. When looking at who is rising or falling within the group success stems from -
results or political schmoozing, sacred cows of people or beliefs never to be criticized, observing rules in
action and understanding why they exist

d. Factions

i. Be unaligned with any faction and let people fight over you; you do not need to belong
to a faction; what you want in a group is strategic options and room to maneuver

ii. Group splits into factions over time, desire more immediate, forming subgroups and
cliques with those who seem like us, giving us the narcissists boost, where the splitting occurs
unconsciously like a mechanical law

iii. An Elite faction - unites when push comes to shove to preserve their elite status, clan
looking after its own, bends group rules to ensure they tilt in their favor - and covers it up that what they
are doing is for the greater good of the group

e. Enemies

i. Fear of outsiders, hatred, but also united and tightened group, real or imagined

ii. Groups tend to exaggerate qualities of rivals or enemies;

iii. Avoid the dangers of the social force

 i. Feeling deep suspicion towards outsiders to our group, and our need to
demonize them; and this evolved among our earliest ancestors because of tremendous dangers of
infectious diseases and aggressive intentions of rival hunger-gatherer, but such group reactions are no
long relevant in the 21st century; in fact in the 21st century with technology, they can be the source of
our most violent and genocidal behavior

ii. In general, to the degree that the social force tends to degrade our ability to
think independently and rationally, we can say it exerts a downward pull into more primitive ways of
behaving

f. Group Court

a. forms around CEO, head of department, sub-courts and subleaders, and keeping in
mind the more powerful the leader, the more intense the gamesmanship

b. Mindset - don't stand out too much, being seen as too brilliant or charming, stirring
up envy,

a. instead - downplay successes or listening to ideas of others, paying attention

to others insecurities, isolate and being indirect if must take action, never appearing too aggressive,
appearing civilized, knowing the best courtiers are consummate actors and their smiles and loyalty
mean very little…

c. Intriguer - intensely loyal to boss and group, no one works harder, behind mask is to
amass more power, disdain for the boss and conceals it, masters at making others dependent on them,
securing their own position

d. The Stirrer - thrives on insecurities, feels deep resentment and envy, infects group
with doubts and anxieties, stirring up trouble, becomes center of attention and may get closer to leader,
may spread rumors about another courtier and play upon envy of others, has hand in a rebellion and
creates drama and discord, may share an innocent rumor)

e. A Gatekeeper - has exclusive access to leaders, monopolizes flow of information to

them, adores and fawns over leader, keeps away irritating courtiers and buffers leader from petty
political struggles, see leaders dark sites and weaknesses which binds leaders tighter to Gatekeepers,
whom they fear alienating, such power over leader is goal

f. A Shadow Enabler - serving as protection, low character, enjoy scheming and knocking
heads, often becomes fall guy

g. A Court Jester - may be cynic, license to poke fun at everyone and everything,
including sometimes leaders, another type is domesticated rebel who is allowed to go against dress
code and unconventional opinions; not taken seriously, little actual power, make others in the group
appear a bit superior to the in-house oddball, rarely more than one

h. A Mirror - adept at charming leaders and courtiers, maintains broad base of support,
power is based on idea that everyone is a narcissist, masters at reflecting back to people their own
moods and ideas, making them feel validated without sensing manipulation, brings great power but
must be a great reader of people and nonverbal cues
 i. A Favorite - highest rung of court, often more personal and friend-like with leader,
relaxed and chummy without seeming disrespectful, but history is littered of falling hard and painfully)

a. Punching Bag -everyone feels encouraged to laugh at and feel superior to, try
to befriend

3. Create a positive group dynamic

a. Reality group - exerts an upward pull; members feel free to contribute their diverse opinions,
minds are open, whose focus is on getting work done and cooperating on high level;

a. Problems tend to repeat themselves due the group dynamic, which produces
incompetent lieutenant and grandiose leaders; instead of focusing on individuals, focus on the overall
group dynamic; fix the dynamic, create a productive culture

b. What creates a healthy dynamic is the ability maintain a tight relationship with
reality; reality for a group includes the ability to get things done, to make things, to solve problems;
draws upon its resources; the healthy group puts primary emphasis on the work itself, on getting the
most out of its resources and adapting to all of the changes; not wasting time on endless political games,
such a group can accomplish ten times more than the dysfunctional variety

c. True reality groups are rare like battalion of Napoleon, IBM under Thomas Watson,
Cabinet under Roosevelt, Team under director John Ford, Bulls under Phil Jackson

b. Mindset - must Transcend Tribalism; the social force can be used and shaped for positive
purposes, and upward pull

i. Ability to observe the group and detach is more important than ever - in the past,
people's sense of belonging to certain groups was more stable and secure; like a Baptist or Catholic or
French citizen provided one with a strong sense of identity and pride; with the diminishing power of
these large scale systems, we have lost this inner security, yet still have the profound human need to
belong;

1) So many of us are searching for groups to join; and are more permeable than
ever; makes us eager to become a member of the latest cult or political movement; makes us highly
susceptible to the influence of some unscrupulous popullist leader who preys upon this need

2) Instead of forming large-scale groups, we now form tribes of diminishing size,

to get a greater narcissistic boost; social media abets this dynamic by making it easier to spread the
narrowly focused views and values of the tribe and making them go viral; but these tribes don't last
long, and are continually disappearing or splitting apart; so the ancient need to belong is never satisfied

3) Tribalism has roots in deepest and most primitive parts of human nature;
what allowed us 1000s of years ago to bind our group tightly and survive, could not easily lead to our
extinction as a species; the tribe feels its very existence at stake by the presence of the enemy; no
middle ground; battles can be more intense and violent between tribes; the future of the human race
will likely depend on our ability to transcend tribalism and see our fate as interconnected with everyone
else's; we are all one species, all descendants of the same original humans, all brothers and sisters;
imagining differences is part of the madness of groups; we must see ourselves as one large reality group,
and experience a deep sense of belonging to it; to solve the man made problems threatening us will
require cooperation on a much higher level; reality group encourages diversity; must come to the
conclusion that the primary group we belong to is that of the human race; that is our inevitable future

ii. Think of it as a war, and the enemy is not individual but the dysfunctional group
dynamic; keep in mind, that if you inherit a culture that is firmly set and dysfunctional, your job is harder
and it will take more time; must be resolute in the changes and have patience, being careful that culture
does not slowly assimilate you

c. 5 Key strategies

a. Instill a Collective Sense of Purpose - establish and ideal and definite purpose, positive
mission that unites members, not vague or implied by clearly stated and publicized, making money is a
result of the ideal and not the goal itself, practicing what is preached with no hypocrisy, track of results
that reflect groups idea, reminding group of mission and adapting if necessary

b. Assemble the Right Team of Lieutenants - leader focuses on larger picture and overall
goals, only so much energy, greatest obstacle is fear of delegating authority, not succumbing to
micromanaging or getting clouded by details or own confusion filters down through the group, ensure
most competent and high character person gets the job, not just brilliant but poisonous, select people
for team with skills another is lacking, diverse temperament/background, and ideas, willingness to speak
up and take initiative within the framework of the groups purpose, get rid of those not living up to ideal

c. Let Information and Ideas Flow Freely - lieutenants filter information they provide, tell
you what will be pleasing, keeps out noise, distorts perspective on reality and so leaders make bad
decisions, encourage frank discussion up and down the line, lively meetings with people not overly
concerned about bruising egos, bring in experts and outsiders to broaden perspective, expansive
deliberation process and better decisions, not making hurried decisions on highly filter information,
sharing how decisions are made and for what purpose, open ability of group to criticize itself and
performance and learn

d. Infect the Group with Productive Emotions - people naturally more emotional and
permeable to moods of others in group, especially the leader, instill sense of calmness, not upset by
setbacks and keep advancing, confidence, show lack of fear and overall openness to new ideas

e. Forge A Battle-Tested Group - gauge the actual strength of team - add some stress or
pressure to see if people disconnect, become anxious, fearful - give members relatively challenging tasks
or shorter deadlines than usual to see how they respond, if they rise to the occasion or fold, opting for
people that have been through a few wars and dealt with them well, not wilting at sign of new obstacles

Make Them Want to Follow You (The Law of Fickleness)

1. Observe Authority in Others

2. Authority Mindset

3. Establish Authority
 4. Establish Inner Authority

1. Observe Authority in Others

a. As a Measuring Device – measure the degree of influence people wield without the use of
force or motivational speeches;

i. Own family and gauge which parent exercised greater authority over you and siblings

ii. Teachers and mentors – some of whom had powerful effect they had on you

iii. Bosses in action – looking at effect on you but also group as a whole

iv. Leaders in the news – determine moments then their authority waxes or wanes and
why

b. Observe Authority - or "to increase or augment", augmented presence, an increased prestige

and credibility; no need to resort to force; their every word and deed carry extra weight; greater leeway
in making hard decisions;

i. Romans has leaders who exuded Authority, a way to control combativeness, to get
things done, to maintain a degree of unity; an adherence to a higher purpose is the essential ingredient
to all true forms of authority

c. Observe Twin Pillars – Vision and Empathy:

i. Provide a far reaching vision – first and most fundamental task of a leader; to work for
the greater good of the group; this is what people crave in leaders; focusing on the future should
consume much of our thinking;

1. Based on vision, set practical goals and guide the group toward them; must
master visioning process, which results in confidence

ii. Empathy – must understand that slightest gesture has an unconscious effect on
individuals; so must pay great attention to attitude; attune to the shifting moods of the members of the
group; never assume we have their support; visceral empathy – feel members losing respect of us; show
respect towards those below us, such feelings will flow back to us, and members will open to our
influence; must engage people's will power, and make them identify with the groups mission and higher
purpose

1. Empathy must never mean becoming needlessly soft and pliant to groups will,
and only signal weakness; when it comes to vision and goals, we must be stern and immovable; yes we
can listen to ideas and incorporate the good ones; but must keep in mind we have a greater command
of overall details and global picture; must be resilient and tough in realizing vision; and merciless with
those who try to sabotage this vision or work against the greater good

iii. Failure to establish twin pillars - vision and empathy – those in the group feel
disconnect between them and leadership; see themselves as replaceable pawns; sense overall lack of
direction; losing respect; they spend more hours thinking of their own interests and future; join or form
factions; work at half speed

1. Establish the twin pillars – and the ambivalence becomes manageable, but it
never goes away; people still waver and have moments of doubt and envy, but they will quickly forgive
us; the members come to dread what could occur if we were no longer the leaders – disunity, lack of
clarity, bad decisions

2. Authority Mindset

a. Don't despise authority - don't assume authority is a relic of kings, and we are beyond that;
disdain for authority and leadership has filtered its way throughout our culture; nobody's taste of
judgement is seen as superior

i. Authority in Arts provides something to rebel against; without parents as authority

figures, there is no teenage rebellion, in which we reject ideas and discover our own identity; without
teachers and mentors whom we acknowledge as superior, we cannot learn from their experience and
wisdom or surpass them in new and better ideas

ii. Without leaders who dedicate mental energy to foreseeing trends and guiding
solutions, we are lost; and so we fall for fake authority like a strongman, panderer, chummy leader, or
authority of the group as a whole

b. To Acknowledge - people of authority is not an admission of our own inferiority but rather
acceptance of human nature; people of authority should be seen as fulfilling a necessary function and
whose style adapts with the times

i. Much of what is behind progressive ideas of consensus, the minimal leader, parent as
friend, is actually a great fear of responsibility, of the tough choices that must be made, of standing out
and taking the heat; must move in opposite direction and embrace the risks and dangers that come with
leadership and authority

ii. We so self-absorbed today; the need for authority figures has never been greater

iii. In any group, people have narrow agendas and competing interests, the members
feel insecure about their own position; without leaders who stand above competing interests and who
see the larger picture, the group would be in trouble; hard decisions would never be made, no one
would be guiding the ship; therefore, we crave leadership, and unconsciously feel disoriented without
someone fulfilling this role

1. On the other hand, we always tend to fear and despise those who are above
us; we don't feel comfortable with the inferiority and dependence that comes with serving under a
leader; we want to exercise our own will and feel our autonomy

c. Ambivalent Emotions – our emotions are rarely pure and simple; can feel love and hostility at
same time; when one emotion dominates us, another lays underneath, a continual ambivalence

i. Ambivalence happens because strong, pure emotions are frightening; represents a

loss of control; negates our willpower;
 ii. Ambivalence tips toward the negative when leaders show signs of abuse, insensitivity,
or incompetence

d. Fickleness - Those in power – will only notice smiles of their employees, and mistake support
for reality; they do not realize that people almost always show such deference to those above them;
because their personal fate is in the hands of such leaders and they cannot afford to show their true
feelings; so leaders are rarely aware of the underlying ambivalence

i. Fickleness - If leaders make mistakes or power seems shaky, members of the group or
public may quickly turn on them; underneath their obedience, lay tremendous wariness

3. Establish Authority

a. Develop strategies to give an impressive aura in the present, making it seem as if you were
destined to be powerful; to strengthen authority and connectedness to group

i. Essence of Authority is people follow your lead; they choose to adhere to your words
and advice; they want your wisdom; at times, you use force, rewards and punishments, inspiring
speeches; the less you need of such devices, the greater your authority; must think of continually
striving to engage people's willpower and overcome their natural resistance and ambivalence

b. Reflect – on the effect you have on people; are you constantly arguing, trying to impose your
will, finding much more resistance than you expect to ideas?

i. Don't people's smiles for reality; notice their tension and actions; take any grumbling
as a reflection of your authority;

ii. In general, heighten your sensitivity to others, look at those moments when you can
feel people's disrespect, or your authority on the wane; also, keep in mind there will always be bad
apples in a group, who will grumble and not be won over by you no matter what, but don't bother with
them

c. Authentic Authority style - emerges naturally from my strengths, Deliverer like MLK who has
acute dislike of injustice with conviction and a way of words, Founder who establishes new order in
politics or business with aversion to status quo and unconventional, enjoys tinkering and inventing,
Visionary Artist who turn conventions in field upside down, Trust Seeker who have no tolerance for lies,
Quiet Pragmatist who want nothing more than to fix things that are broken and have patience, Healer
who have knack for finding what will fulfill and unify people, Teacher who gets people to take action and
learn from mistakes

d. Focusing Outwardly with the right Attitude - 1-hone listening skills and absorb words and
nonverbal cues reading between the lines of what people are saying, sense what people are missing, not
taking people's smiles for reality but sense underlying tension; 2-earn peoples respect, not focusing on
my feelings or what people owe me because of position, proving working for greater good, 3- consider
leadership a tremendous responsibility, what drives you is not attention but bringing about the best
results possible for the most people; absorb yourself in the work, not your ego
 i. If you exude this attitude, people will feel it and open themselves up to your influence;
they will be drawn to you by the simple fact that it is rare to encounter a person so sensitive to people's
moods and focused on results

e. Cultivate the Third Eye and have a Vision - elevate perspective above the moment and tap
into visionary powers of the human mind, cultivating the third eye for unseen forces and trends, stand
out from the group and fulfill the true function of leadership, godlike ability to read the future

i. Overall gestalt - disconnect from emotions of group, raise vision, imagine larger
picture, entertain perspective of enemy and outsiders, open mind to various options or shape of a key
goal

ii. Think Deeply - more thinking means greater confidence, game out possible trends,
how things might play out in the future, or in particular how things might go wrong

f. Lead from the Front and set the right Tone - seen working hard, high standards for myself,
consistent and accountable, first to make sacrifices for good of group, members feel compelled to raise
themselves up to your level and gain approval, setting tone from the beginning as first impressions are
critical, show some initial toughness so people don't get impression they can out maneuver me, tone in
speaking or writing is bold

g. Stir conflicting emotions - e.g. generally kind but undertone of harshness, or prudence with
undertone of boldness, deliberate long but then show great energy and boldness in action, blend
spiritual with undertone of earthy pragmatism, or masculine with feminine, presence with absence, not
predictable, be mysterious, mixed signals that are slightly contrary causing people to pause in their
instant categorizations, think about me more making my presence larger and more authoritative, don't
mix too strong - just an undertone to make people wonder

h. Give and not Take - money, rights, privileges, time, overpromising

i. Rejuvenate my Authority and Adapt - b/c a new generation may see me as a relic, noting
moods behind peoples words and gauging my effect on newcomers, try to alter approach somewhat
with passing years

4. Establish Inner Authority

a. Higher vs. Lower Self – feel one part or the other at certain moments in life;

i. Higher self - when we accomplish things, finish what we start, we sense the outlines of
this higher self; we feel it when we think of others before ourselves, let go of our ego; instead of
reacting to events, we step back and think and strategize;

ii. Lower self – take everything personally and become petty, or escape reality through
some addictive pleasure, waste time, or when we feel confused and unmotivated

iii. We float often between these two sides – but must admit the lower half is the
stronger one, more primitive and animal part of our nature; if nothing impels us to do otherwise, we
naturally avoid activity, crave quick pleasures, turn inwards, and be petty; often takes great effort and
awareness to tame this lower half and bring out the higher side; it is not our first impulse
 iv. Inner Authority - Must Tip the scales towards higher self through inner authority;
serves as the voice of the highest self; voice is always there, just need to increase the frequency with
which we hear it and its volume; the voice dictates a code of behavior, and everyday we must listen to
it:

v. Responsibility to Contribute to the Culture and Times - not here to gratify impulses
and consume but contribute and serve a higher purpose

vi. Cultivating what is unique about you - tastes, inclinations, fields that naturally attract
me, work everyday on improving skills unique to my spirit and purpose, adding to the needed diversity
of culture by creating something that reflects my uniqueness, embracing what makes me different

vii. In a world full of endless distractions, you must focus and prioritize - long and short-
term goals, remind concentrated, exploring creatively but within an underlying purpose

viii. Adhere to the highest standards - self-discipline, proper work habits, pay attention
to details of work, place premium value on effort, thinking more deeply and thoroughly than the first
idea that comes to me which is often incomplete or inadequate, discarding some ideas, not becoming
attached to initial ideas but treat them roughly, having motivation by knowing that life is short

1. Would be depressed if at the end my life I saw the years pass by without
direction - grasping at goals that keep changing, squandering youthful energies, not channeling my inner
authority to bring a sense of cohesion and force, gnawed by anxiety from living below my potential

See the Hostility Behind the Friendly Façade (The Law of Aggression)

1. Accept Aggression

2. Observe Aggression

3. Counter Aggressive Tendencies

4. Practice Controlled Aggression

1. Accept Aggression

a. Accept - Rid yourself of the denial of the very real aggressive tendencies in human nature

i. Ancestors for back tens of thousands of years engaged in brutal warfare; they were
hardly peaceful; great power to cooperate was often used to bloody skirmishes

ii. We are not evolving away our aggression; signs of aggression just as prevalent in our
era as in the past; endless war, genocide, increasing hostility; technology has only enhanced our
destructive powers; wealth inequality because there are individuals who are simply more aggressive
than others when it comes to accumulating power and wealth, no rules or laws to stop this; corporate
aggression like Standard Oil continue in newest industries; people enjoy violence on TV; Internet
arguments can become are hostile and heated; cyberwar, criminals simply co-opt technology to become
more creative;
 1. Future - Human aggression simply to the newest media and technology
innovations, finding ways to express and vent itself through them; whatever the invention in 100 years,
it will likely suffer the same fate; aggression emerges in individuals and groups and more people are
feeling this way, expect dirtier wars, more confrontations between political groups, between cultures,
generations, men and women; and more sophisticated ways to justify aggression

iii. The denial is stronger than ever – always the other person, other side, other culture
that is more aggressive; must come to terms that it is all of us, not matter the time or culture; must own
this fact before we can consider moving beyond it

1. Aggression means "to step forward", and when we try to create or change
anything, we are tapping into this energy

iv. Born – we are born with this powerful energy – willpower, assertiveness, aggression,
and mixed with intelligence and cleverness; in childhood, this energy made us bold and adventurous
physically and mentally; made us find friends to explore together and relentless in solving problems;
made us open to new experiences; if frustrated and helpless, this same energy made us combative

v. Source

1. Unusually assertive comes from our frustration, anger, insecurity, fear,

impatience – helplessness; we then rationalize our behavior as if we had no choice;

a. Helplessness – from mortality, job/social status/money is never

secure, often beyond our control, people around us are unpredictable; we are dependent on others who
don't come through; we have innate desires for love, excitement – and often beyond our control to
satisfy these desires; insecurities from childhood

2. Control - Willful creatures who crave power; desire for power is not evil or
antisocial but natural response to the awareness of our essential weakness and vulnerability

a. What drives much of our behavior is to have control over

circumstances, to feel the connection between what we do and what we get; to feel that we can
influence people and events to some extent; this mitigates our sense of helplessness

b. Satisfy this need by developing work skills to secure our career status
and feeling of control; by developing social skills; excitement through sports, entertainment and
seduction

3. Guardrails - But to gain power in work requires patience; cannot force things;
takes time secure position and learn how to influence people; cannot force people to do our bidding

a. Guardrails – codes and laws that we carefully stay within in order to

gain power

b. But at certain moments we cannot accept these limits or guardrails

i. Hunger for money, power, love, or attention overwhelms

patience; may seek power and control in a way that violates tacit codes and even laws; such aggressive
acts can occur at moments but they do not become a pattern for mostecome a pattern for most
 c. Chronically Aggressive – sense of helplessness deep; chronically
insecure and fragile; these types do not scurry back within the guardrails, but rather continually resort
to aggressive behavior; have unusually strong will and little patience; sees people as objects to use; no
empathy, little human warmth

2. Observe Aggression

a. Spectrum - Stop Denying aggressive tendencies in myself and others; we are all on the
aggressive spectrum

i. some are lower down on spectrum and lack confidence in ability to get what they;
want or may simply have less energy; but many are in the mid-to-upper range, with strong levels of will;
this assertive energy must be expended in some way and go in 1 of 3 directions

b. Observe and Analyze how Aggressive energy is expended;

i. Aggression Types

1. Controlled Aggression – into patiently achieving work

2. Active Aggressor

a. Sophisticated - rise to top, cloak maneuvers, present distracting

façade, play upon peoples emotions, know that most people don't like confrontation or long struggles,
intimidate or wear people down; want to control your thoughts and reactions; may be charming and
charasmatic

b. Primitive - short fuses, lack self-control, doesn't go far, bullying or

hurting people

3. Passive-Aggressive Behavior

i. Afraid – most are afraid of outright confrontation; we want to appear

polite and socialable; but often impossible to get what we want without asserting ourselves in some
way, people can be stubborn and resistant to our influence; and so all of us inevitably assert ourselves
indirectly, striving influence as subtly as possible

ii. Give appearance that we are merely being ourselves, not actively
manipulating or trying to influence people; nevertheless, a message is sent that creates the effect we
desire; in the back of our minds, we are aware;

4. Internal Saboteur – self-loathing, directing our anger and aggression at our

own failings

i. As we get older, we become uncomfortable with the assertive energy

we are born with and potential aggressive behavior; could lead to some failed action, making us feel
exposed and vulnerable; if we express this behavior too much, people may not like us; we could stir up
conflict; we may come to view the aggressive part of us as dangerous; but this energy cannot disappear,
so it turns inward
 ii. Saboteur – persecutor from within, continually judging us and
attacking us; if we are about to attempt something, it reminds us of the potential for failure; tries to
tamp down any exuberance b/c they opens us up to criticism; makes us uncomfortable with strong
sensations of pleasure or deep emotion; impels us to tamp down on our ambitions, fit into the group
and not stand out;

i. Wants us to retreat inward where we can protect ourselves,

even if that leads to depression; makes us forge a fake self to the world, one that is humble and self-
effacing;

iii. In the end, the internal saboteur works to lower our energy and
constrain what we do, making our world more manageable and predictable but also quite dead; same
goal as the aggressor – gaining control over uncertainty – but through the opposite means

i. Dampens our mental powers; discourages us from being bold

and adventurous in thinking; we limit our ideas and settle for conventional opinions of the group
because it's safer; creative power display great aggressive in their thinking, aas they try out many
options and search for solution

ii. Analyze – Judge and see how you handle moments of frustrations and uncertainty,
situations where you have less control; do you tend to lash out, grow angry and tense, and do things you
later regret? Or do you internalize the anger and grow depressed?; Look at moments you have gone
passed the guardrails; you are not as peaceful and gentle as you imagine

1. Goal is not repress this assertive energy but become aware of it and channel
is productively; admit you have a deep desire to have an effect on people, to have power; need
controlled aggression

2. With those Weaker than Us – often the lion in us unconsciously emerges

i. Helping the weaker but with contempt and superiority; become

aggressive in trying to help them, ordering their live and being forceful with our advice; we have little
sympathy for them; might feel compelled to use them in some way or push them around

iii. Observe Others – e.g. at work, you can visualize the continual war between people's
different levels of will, and all the intersecting arrows of such conflicts; those who are assertive seem to
rise to the top, but they inevitably display signs of submission to those higher up

1. Chronic Aggressor Signs – unusually high number of enemies accumulated

over the years, there must be a good reason; aggressors will tend to justify their actions as crusaders or
genius who cannot help how they behave, people who get in their way are evil; they will claim the victim
or that no one has been criticized as much as they have; the louder and more extreme their narrative,
the more you can be certain you are detailing with the chronic type; focus on their actions and past
behavior

a. Subtle signs – obsessive personalities; creates meticulous habits and

predictable environment is their way of holding control; obsessing over an object or person
 2. At Work – certain people push their way forward and grab for more power;
take credit for our work; steal ideas; push off a project; ally themselves with those in power;

3. Social Media – people delight in feeling outraged, in attacking and bringing

others down; and all the while nobody admits to being aggressive

3. Counter Aggressive Tendencies

a. Be Tolerant – we have all crossed the line at some point and turned more aggressive than
usual because of circumstances; those who are powerful and successful, it is impossible in this world to
reach such heights without higher levels of aggression and some manipulation; for accomplishing great
things, we can forgive them their occasional harsh and assertive behavior;

i. But must determine of dealing with chronic aggressor, people who cannot tolerate
criticism or being challenged on any level, whose desire for control is excessive, and will swallow you up
in their relentless pursuit to have more

b. If Chronic – use every ounce of energy to disengage mentally and gain control of emotional
response; often with aggressors, you initially feel mesmerized and even paralyzed, then you become
emotional – angry, outraged frightened; once in that state, they find it easy to keep you reacting and not
thinking;

i. Detachment is only answer; see through their maneuvers; never engage directly or
challenge in some overt way; if they are sophisticated, they will use all their cunning to ruin you and
they can be relentless

ii. Look for vulnerabilities they are covering up – dirty reputation or actions, poke holes
in narrative; they greatest fear is to lose control

iii. They may go outside the guardrails more often, gives them more options, more dirty
maneuvers they can surprise you with; may spread rumors and disinformation to muddy the waters; you
must anticipate these manipulations and rob aggressors of the element of surprise

1. On occasion, you must be willing to venture outside the guardrails, knowing

this is a temporary and defensive measure; practice deception and distract them, appearing weaker
than you are, baiting them into an attack that will make them look bad, and for which you have a craft
counter-attack; you can spread rumors that will tend to imbalance their minds; you must calculate that
defeating aggressors is more important than maintaining your purity

c. Passive Aggression

i. Types

1. Low-grade – everyday version, must be tolerant of it, an irritating part of

social life; something we are all guilty of; this thrives in polite society

2. Chronic Passive Aggressors – high degree of energy and need for control, but
fear of outright confrontation; drip-drip strategies that take effect over time; masters at being
ambiguous and elusive, we can never be sure they are attacking us; if directly aggressive, we would get
angry and resist; but by being indirect, they sow confusion, and exploit such confusion for power and
control

ii. Subtle-Superiority Strategy - chronically late, logical excuse, sincere apology, forgets
about meetings/dates/deadlines, repeats behavior and irritates, root is to show superior, not really
sorry

1. best response - not getting angry or displaying irritation, staying calm, subtle
mirror their behavior, do the same back, if boss then just keep calm and remain patient and cool

iii. Sympathy Strategy - always the victim of hostility, unfair circumstances or general
society, relishing in their drama, you will feel sympathetic, they ask for favors/extra care/attention, are
after control, masters at attracting pain, willing symptoms like anxiety attack, depression, headaches,
making themselves sick

1. best response - get distance to see through them, quit relationship, not
feeling bad

iv. Dependency Strategy - unusually attentive, concerned for your welfare, want to help
and listens to your stories, you become dependent on them, they turn cold, you start trying ti please
them and the dynamic is reversed, makes promises but doesn't deliver

1. best response - be wary of those who are too solicitous too early in the
relationship, keep distance, quit relationship, be wary of peoples promises, never completely rely on
them

v. Insinuating-Doubt Strategy - commends work but says you will get attention or
money, says something harsh but then just kidding, talk negatively behind your back to sow doubts, first
to report bad news as sympathy but really delighting in your pain, makes you feel bad

1. best response - show that their insinuations have no effect on me, remain
calm, agree with their faint praise and return it, don't give them the pleasure of getting a rise out of me

vi. Blame-Shifter Strategy - know I am upset at them but they grow silent, apologizes
but conveys some disbelief they have done anything wrong, may say something in their defense that
pushes your buttons, getting you angry and accusing you of being hostile, you are left with feeling that
you were wrong all along, slightly doubt your own sanity, can't trust feelings, used to cover up bad
behavior, deflect criticism, gains power of your emotions

1. best response - remain unaffected, don't make them angry, be calm,

accepting some of the blame if it seems right, distance to disengage, write down own feelings and
realize my overreaction

vii. Passive-Tyrant Strategy - occasionally praise you but sometimes rail at you and this
sticks in mind more than the praise, never feel comfortable, you try harder to avoid these nasty
temperamental rants, perfectionists with high standard and you're notr measuring up, rack your brain to
anticipate their needs and live in terror of displeasing them, using by those in power on their underlings,
impossible to please, can't discern what behavior draws praise and what draws punishment, no power,
no independence, and so can be made to do anything like a dog

1. best response - most often is a superior and has real power over you so
difficult to have resistance or detachment, but must detach from emotionally as much as you can,
nothing will really work besides quitting

4. Practice Controlled Aggression

a. Don't Tamp Down - The problem is not that humans are assertive and aggressive; positive and
negative aspects are 2 sides of the same coin; this energy cannot be denied; it will energy in some way;
with awareness, we can control and channel it

i. To try to tamp down the negative, to give ourselves over to the internal saboteur, only
dulls the positive;

ii. Must harness this energy in an adult, productive, and prosocial manner; must
embrace this energy as potentially positive; must tame and; train it for our own purposes

iii. Instead of being chronically aggressive, passive-aggressive, or repressed, we can

make this energy focused and rational; must concentrate this energy to give it force; by following this
energy, we can recover the pure spirit we had as children, feeling bolder, more integrated and authentic

b. Ambition - revisit big dreams from in childhood and adapt to current reality, make mark in
work some way, played out in mind various scenes of future glory, natural impulse and felt no shame,
not keeping ambitions secret, acted modestly, stopped dreaming, respecting myself because of belief I
deserve to have power and recognition, being clear / specific as possible, and not vague in knowing
what constitutes enough money or success, being sure what I want, visualize the end point, ambition
not so far above that I set myself up for failure

c. Persistence - not letting doubts diminish my self-belief and reduce my energy, know that
almost nothing in the world can resist persistent human energy, that things will yield is we strike enough
blows, many great leaders succeed in this way, painstaking persistence that enabled Edison to form a
lightbulb, continual thought experiments that served Einstein, relentless persistence over 20 years,
aggressive energy that is undivided from within with laser focus on problem, want something so badly
that nothing will deter them, knows value of self-fulfilling prophecy and so summons energy and self-
belief, filled with desire to not give as easily, keep attacking from new angles, strike with full force

d. Fearlessness – not accepting mounting fears as we age/concern how people perceive

us/internalize peoples doubts/afraid of confrontation or conflict/backing down/saying what we
feel/hard to ask for a raise or promotion

i. And instead incrementally recover fearlessness - belief that I deserve good and better
things in life, speak up or even talk back if they are insensitive, defend yourself, call people on their
passive-aggression, not be so timid in expressing an opinion that they may not share or telling people
what you really think, realize you have less to fear and gain more respect

ii. Ramp up - making greater demands on people that they treat you well, honor the
quality of my work, without complaining or being defensive, make it clear to bullies I'm not as week or
as easily manipulated as others, can be relentless in defending my interests, in negotiations don't settle
for less but make bolder demands and see how far you can push other side, apply boldness to work by
creating something unique and face criticism, take reasonable risks

e. Anger - use and embrace anger as motivation, if someone blocks my advancement, fools with
power but are lazy and incompetent, not toxic anger because highly connected to reality, directed at
specific individuals and forces, not a vague enemy or scapegoat or conspiracy, really understanding the
cause of the anger and what it should be directed at, analyze the best way to channel the anger
emotion) in a controlled, realistic, and targeted at actual source by defining it as...

i. Cool my anger - bring it to simmer instead of a boil, control it to help give me the
resolve and patience for a longer struggle than imagined, letting the unfairness or injustice lie in back of
mind to keep me energized

ii. Use anger in my work - especially if allied to a cause or expressing myself through
something creative, containing my rage to make me an effective speaker like Malcolm X, like a work of
art or movie where you can feel the restrained anger behind them, feeling like a fresh wind, expressing
something real and authentic, letting it breathe life into the work and therefore finding an audience

Seize the Historical Moment (The Law of Generational Myopia)

1. Understand how deeply and profoundly your generation has influenced how you perceive the
world

2. Create a Personality Profile of your generation

3. Piece together the Zeitgeist

4. Exploit the Spirit of the Times

5. Transform My Experience of Time

1. Understand how deeply and profoundly your generation has influenced how you perceive the world

a. Accept that many of our values and ideas come from the spirit of my generation

i. See your generation without bias and emotions; understand its an outgrowth of an
organic generational process
 b. Flaws - we see flaws of our generation as virtues; e.g. interpret desire for freedom from not
owning a home or help environment from not owning a car, but unable to confront the fears really
underneath it all

c. Be an Archeologist - dig into own past and that of your generation, looking for artifacts,
observations that you can piece together to form a picture of the underlying spirit

i. Examine memories from a distance, without emotions; catch yourself making

judgements of the good and bad about your generation and let go of them

2. Create a Personality Profile of your generation

a. Create a profile so you can understand its spirit in the present and exploit it; look for common
traits

b. Determine Overall spirit - e.g. look back 20 years ago and reflect how different those times
felt, what was in the air, how people interacted; social and collective overall mood

i. Spirit can be wild and open with people hungry for interaction, or tight and cautious
with people prone to conforming and being hypercorrect; or cynical or hopeful, stale or creative; gauge
the spirit of present moment

c. Change is more apparent over years and decades - e.g. clothes, music - and reflects deeper
alteration in people's mood and values

i. Tastemakers are simply responding to signs of change within society as a whole, from
the social force, bottom-up dynamic

ii. Can also see changing styles in thinking and theorizing; 50 years ago many arguments
rooted in psychoanalysis and sociology, seeing the environment as primary influence on human
behavior; now arguments revolve around genetics and brain, with studies and statistics; sentences are
shorter, designed to communicate information; but this change in theorizing style is not new, can notice
a similar back and forth from literary and speculative to the sober and data-driven to 18th century;

iii. An interest in brighter colors or harder sound in music, have something else to say
about what is stirring in the collective minds of the people of the time

1) Can often best associate generation spirit with musical style, or artistic trend,
or film or literature

iv. This spirit will change as we age, but there is something that remains intact that
transcends passing years

v. What drives these change is the continual succession of new generations of young
people, with new values and spirit, in a different direction of the previous generation; this pattern of
change to the next is part of a larger pattern, going back 1000s of years;

vi. We tend to see ideas and values of parents not fitting well with our experience; what
they have taught us does not seem so relevant
 d. Decisive events that occurred in 22 years before entering work world that played large role in
shaping this personality

i. Consider Technological advances or inventions

ii. Map out ramifications of these decisive events and how it influenced by generation
socially when in 20s; if crisis then band together, valuing team and feeling of love, allergic to
confrontation; if stability then gravitate towards adventure

iii. How these events effect how you view success and money, whether you value status
and wealth or less material values such as creativity; how those of your generation view failure, as
badge of shame or considered part of entrepreneurial process?; when entering work world, did you feel
pressure to start making money right away or instead explore the world and have adventures until 30s

e. Parenting styles - permissive, overcontrolling, neglectful, or empathetic; if permissive then

raise wild, care free; if self-absorbed and somewhat neglectful then children feel alienated and angry; if
overprotective then children will have fear of going out of comfort zone; parenting styles come in
waves, doing something different than previous generation

f. Heroes and Icons of generation - those who act out the qualities that others secretly wish they
have; rebels, successful entrepreneurs, gurus, activists; indicating new values

i. Look at trends and fads, like digital currencies; do not take trends at face value but
look for underlying spirit, the unconscious attention towards certain values or ideals that they reveal;
nothing is too trivial for this analysis

g. Generational shadow side - style of humor, in humor people release their frustrations and
express their inhibitions; such humor could tend toward the irrational or something edgier or even
aggressive; a generation might seem prudish and correct, but its humor is raunchy; the shadow side
leaking out

i. Relationship between genders - 1920s men and women were trying to bridge
differences; 1950s sudden and rather strong split between genders

ii. Tendency toward one extreme - materialism, spirituality, adventure, safety - conceals
hidden attraction to other; 1960s seemed disinterested in material and valued spiritual and inward,
being spontaneous and authentic - but underneath, secret attraction to the material side of life like in
yuppies years needing to have the best sound systems or drugs;

3. Piece together the Zeitgeist

a. Look relationship between the two dominant generations of early adults (22-44) and midlife
(45-66); no matter how close parents and children, always an underlying tension, along with some
resentment and envy; natural differences in values and how they see the world; determine which
generation dominates and how this power dynamic might shifting in the present;

i. 1920s and 60s- the younger generation dominated; in other periods, older generations
were much more dominant and the influence of emerging adults less noticeable; when it comes to
generated between two generations, the greater part of them will come from the young, who are more
restless and attuned to the group; by the time such younger generation emerges into 30s and 40s, they
will have shaped the world with their changes

b. Notice Time Period - 4 generations alive at same time; notice the tension among them, or the
overall spirit;

c. See which part of the historical pattern your generation might fit into

i. 1st- Revolutionaries - radical break with the past, new values, chaos, great leaders

ii. 2nd - Craves some order, feeling heat of revolution, want to stabilize the world,
establish conventions and dogma

iii. 3rd- less passionate about revolution; pragmatists, solve problems, make life
comfortable, not interested in ideas but building things; in this process, they drain the spirit of the
revolution, material concerns predominate

iv. 4th - Feels society has lost vitality, but not sure what to replace it with; questions
values they have inherited, cynical - crisis emerges, then comes the revolutionary generation, unified
around some belief; painful to live through, may latch onto latest belief system of charlatans and
demagogues; look for scapegoats, nothing unifying so become tribal

1) Sub-group forms - particularly anxious and resentful, felt privileged in past,

and want to hold onto it, to return to some golden age; but they are doomed, because the cycle cannot
be stopped

2) We are living through such a crisis period, with a generation experience it in

its key phase of life; we cannot see how close we are to the end, but such time never last too long,
because the human spirit will not tolerate them; some unifying belief system and new values are being
generated that we cannot see yet

v. Silent Generation (great depression, WWII, became cautious and conservative,

valuing stability, material comforts and fitting into group)

1) Next generation of Baby Boomers - found conformity of parents stifling,

valued personal expression, adventures, idealistic

2) Generation X - marked by chaos of 1960s, and social and political scandals;

came of age in 80s and 90s, pragmatic and confrontational, valuing individualism and self-reliance;
reacted against hypocrisies of parents idealism

3) Millennial - traumatized by terrorism and financial crisis, reacted against

individualism, craving security and teamwork, dislike of conflict and confrontation

vi. Values - depend upon where we fall in this pattern and how our generation reacts
against the particular imbalances of previous generation

1) Back and forth pattern - if one generation carried forward the tendencies of
the previous one, we would have destroyed ourselves; e.g. wildness of 1920s or 60s; or conservative of
1950s; we would suffocate ourselves with too much self-expression or stagnation; the pattern leads to
imbalances but ensures we revitalize ourselves
 2) Sometimes changes in revolutionary period do not last past the cycle; but
sometimes, from a strong crisis, a revolution forges something new that lasts for centuries and
represents progress towards values that are more rational and empathetic

d. Have overall awareness, seeing beyond the Myopia

i. Myopia - Your generational perspective creates a particular kind of myopia; each

generation tends toward some imbalance as it reacts against the previous one, it views everything
according to certain values and this closes the mind to other possibilities

ii. Much can be gained by looking at the world from the perspective of your parents or
children, even adopting their views; feeling that your generation is superior is an illusion, your
awareness free you from these mental blocks, making your mind more fluid and creative; you will be
able to shape your own ideas and values and not be such a product of the times

iii. With this awareness, you will understand the historical context; have a sense of
where the world is headed, anticipate what is around the corner; with such knowledge, can bring own
individual spirit into play and help shape the future that is gestating in the present

iv. Calmness - from feeling deeply connected to the unbroken chain of history, and your
role in this grand historical drama, will make life more bearable; you do not overreact to the outrage of
the day; you are aware of the pattern that will tend to swing things in a different direction within a
period of time

e. Current zeitgeist - due to technology and social media, this means people of one generation
will have more in common with those of the same generation in other cultures than with older
generations in their own country; this means the zeitgeist is more directly globalized than ever before

i. Due to technological innovations, the pace has quickened; young people feel almost
addicted to this pace and crave more shifts; with quickening pace there are more crises, which only
speeds up the process; only a generational awareness will allow you to master the times

4. Exploit the Spirit of the Times

a. Everything is changing

i. It may not seem like things are changing, but they are below the surface, the ride is
moving; nothing stands still; power dynamics among classes, regions, industries are in a state of flux;
new symbols and myths are being formed, old ones fading; all of this can seem disconnected until there
is some crisis and the invisible is no longer so;

1) When this occurs, some people will hold on more fervently to the past, a
futile task, cling more tightly to their ideas
 ii. Instead, need power to see things from a different angle, and a fresh framework; look
for undercurrents of discontent with the status quo, which are below the surface; you will see the
commonalities and connection, slowly the flow, the tide itself, comes into focus, indicating a course, a
direction that is hidden to so many others

1) This sense of what is moving and evolving in the present, as opposed to what
is inherited from the past, is the Collective Spirit itself, its restless and searching nature

iii. Not intellectual - must feel the change in the collective mood, sense how people are
diverging from the past; once you feel it, you can begin to analyze what is behind it, why are people
dissatisfied, and what are they really craving?, what new style are people gravitating towards?

1) Once you have a feel for what is really going on, be bold in how you respond,
and give voice to what other people are feeling but not understanding; seize the opportunities in the
moment that others cannot even begin to detect; think of yourself as an enemy of the status quo,
whose proponents must view you as dangerous; this task is necessary for the revitalization of the human
spirit

2) Anticipate future trends, and understand role we play in shaping events;

brings us great social power

b. Push Against the Past - feel a deep need to create something new and more relevant to my
generation, but the past has a strong pull on me in the form of values of parents that I internalized,
feeling fearful and conflicted and hesitation, push against past values with great force, make break as
sharp and clear as possible, express what is taboo, shatter the conventions of the older generations,
excite and attracting people of my generation who will follow your lead, sparking desire

c. Adapt the Past to the Present Spirit - find some analogous moment or period in history,
leaders from the past who take on mythic hue, associate myself with those figures or times to give
added weight whatever movement or innovation I am promoting, take emotionally loaded symbols and
styles of historical period and adapt, giving impression that what you are attempting is a more perfect
and progressive version of what happened in the past

d. Resurrect the Spirit of Childhood - humor, decisive historical events, styles and products,
feeling in the air sparking emotional intensity that resonates with peers, not literal re-creation of past
but capturing its spirit, connect to some issue or problem in the present and not simply be some
mindless nostalgia

e. Create a New Social Configuration - forge a new way of interacting that appeals to my
generation, organize a group around new ideas or values or latest technology, eliminate the middlemen
who setup barriers that prevented freer associations of people, introduce rituals that bond members
with symbols to identify with, online platforms or groups, repressive elements of past that people are
yearning to shake free of, a new spirit to flourish

f. Subvert the Spirit -not condemn the spirit of the times but find a way to gently redirect it,
appear like spirit of times but only in looks and not content

g. Keep Adapting -not getting locked in values as I age, modernize my spirit, adopt some new
values of younger generation, create a hybrid of past and present
5. Transform My Experience of Time

i. We tend to see time as linear, our helplessness is a source of anxiety and depression; but if we
look more closely, the passage of time can alter depending on mood; if child then times moves slow and
all too quickly for the latter; if bored, time feels empty and grinds to a halt; if excited and enjoying
ourselves, we wish it would slow down; if calm and meditative, time might pass by slowly but seem full
and satisfying

i. Transform my experience of time - This means time is a human creation; we have the
power consciously slow it down or speed it up; our relationship to time is more malleable than we think;
can transform ageing experience into something different; can make time feel more cyclical than linear;
can even step outside the stream and experience forms of timelessness

ii. We do not have to remain locked in the hold of our generation and its perspective

ii. Phases of Life - if in youth, more intense and emotional; drop or mitigate the negative
qualities that go with certain phases of life, if young then lessen influence of group, if older regain
natural curiosity, drop know-it-all attitude, look at world through a fresh framework, question our values
and preconceptions, learn a new skill or study a new field, meditate on more intense experiences of
youth and connect more deeply to who we are, feel the youthful intensity return in present experiences,
understanding the self-fulfilling prophecy of aging where we tell ourselves we are slowing down and
cannot do as much as in past, acting on those thoughts and intensifying the ageing process

iii. Present generations - goal to be less a product of the times, active associations with people
of different generations, interact more with older and younger, cultivate mentors and role models, older
peers and pay deep attention to their values, ideas and perspective

iv. Past Generations - understand we are not superior to those in the past, moments in history
that were superior to our own such as democracy/creative thinking/cultural liveliness, knowing past is
not dead, we do not emerge in life as blank slates divorced from millions of years of evolution, our most
intimate thoughts and beliefs shaped by struggles of past generations, complete sacrifice for some cause
is from Jesus, modern love is reliving the emotions of troubadours of 12th century, we are motley
products of accumulated changes in human thinking, not divorcing who we are; re-create the spirit of a
times by reading, imagining

v. Future - influence children, our work contributions to society; as a conscious strategy to

communicate with those of the future and influence them, thinking in this way can alter what we say
and do, continually envision the future and live in it through imagination, values people might hold in
the future, predict technologies and political trends, and have a strategy of immortality by connecting to
those who are living well beyond now, they will read about us or our words, connection will go in both
directions, indicating supreme human ability to surmount one's time and finality of death itself

Meditate on Our Common Mortality (The Law of Death Denial)

1. Positive Paradoxical Mindset

 2. Make the Awareness Visceral

3. Awaken to the Shortness of Life

4. See the Mortality in Everyone

5. Embrace All Pain and Adversity

6. Open My Mind to the Sublime

7. Taste True Freedom

1. Positive Paradoxical Mindset

a. Moments brushing with death have the paradoxical result of making us feel more
awake and alive

i. With familiarity and closeness with death, the ability to confront the thought
of it has the paradoxical effect of making us feel more alive

ii. By connecting to the reality of death, we connect more profoundly to the

reality and fullness of life

iii. Must strive to create the paradoxical effect

b. When we go so far in death denial, the paradoxical effect takes hold of us in the
negative direction, making our life more constrained and deathlike

i. By denying and repressing the thought of death, we feed our anxieties and
become more deathlike; become separated from other people, thinking is habitual and repetitive, little
overall movement and change; slightest incident or uncertainty about future will stir up this anxiety;

ii. So we narrow down the scope of our thoughts and activities; if we don't
leave our comfort zones in what we think and do, then we can make life rather predictable and feel less
vulnerable to anxiety

c. Must step out from the shore of a vast ocean and explore; look at death more closely
and deeply; explore a different way of approaching life and death

2. Make the Awareness Visceral

a. Convert thought of death from fear/abstraction/repression to flesh and blood reality,

not seeing death as morbid or terrifying, see the sadness/tightness of our emotions now open up to the
world and life itself

b. Meditating on death as deeply as possible on the death for 10 minutes on the feeling
(converting it to something more real and physical, feeling life/death connection in the gut) and thinking
(envisioning the day our death arrives, where we might be, how it might come, vividly)
 c. Looking at the world - the people around us, everyday sights and sounds, hum of the
traffic, sound of the birds, view outside window - as if we are seeing things the last time and imagine
these things still going on without us, suddenly feeling ourselves brought back to life

3. Awaken to the Shortness of Life (not imagine we have more time than is the reality, know
there is a very real continual deadline to life that should wake us up, even if we live another 80 years it
goes more quickly that we can imagine, not be haunted by accomplished nothing and wasting my
potential, avoid petty squabbles) and instead focus with intensity, adrenaline pumping, filled with
energy, invigorating to feel total commitment to a single purpose

a. Clarify my tasks

b. Projects and Goals to take on and commit completely

c. Relationships I can improve

d. A pleasure or distraction from work to pursue with meaning

4. See the Mortality in Everyone - greater levels of empathy could be a natural state of mind if
we can only envision the mortality of others as not separate from our own

a. Imagine the death of those around us at home and workplace

a. This alters my perception - see their uniqueness in the present, bringing out
qualities we have taken for granted, experience their vulnerability and pain

b. Look at pedestrians in any busy city and realize that in 90 years, likely none of them
will be alive, including us

c. Think of the millions and billions who have already come and gone, buried and long
forgotten (rich and poor alike, making it hard to maintain sense of grand importance and feeling that we
are special and that the pain we suffer is not the same as others)

d. See the mortality and vulnerability in the nastiest individual (and how that helps us
cut them down to size and deal with them from a more neutral space)

e. Deepening my death awareness, love Lorraine more

5. Embrace All Pain and Adversity

a. Amor fati or love of fate, accept and embrace illness/physical pain/failures from own
mistakes/nasty people and accept these moments - not for the pain but for the opportunities to learn
and strengthen ourselves, at the core is complete acceptance of death, continually seeing events as
fateful - that everything happens for a reason and up to us to glean the lesson, if ill then see opportunity
to retreat from the world, reassess and appreciate more frequently moments of good health, if people
resist or turn against us then opportunity learn from human nature to those who are slippery and
disagreeable, if take risk and fail then welcome change to learn

b. By loving fate, I can lighten the burden I carry - and see such event as occurring for a
reason and ultimately enlightening me, no reason to feel envy when we possess something far greater -
the ultimate approach to the harsh realities in life
 6. Open My Mind to the Sublime

a. Think of a death as a threshold we must all cross, exceeds capacity for words or
concepts by being too large, too vast, to dark and mysterious, feel a touch of fear and wonder, perfect
antidote to our complacency and petty concerns

b. Imaging the infinity of space and the overwhelming smallness of Earth

c. How many billions of years ago life formed on Earth and how unlikely given 1000s of
factors that had to converge for life to begin

d. How millions of years ago humans began and branched off from ancestors, and
continually faced extinction, which was more than likely as it did for other varieties of humans, and how
differently the world would have been

e. Meeting of our own parents and by my birth - hung on a series of chance encounters
that were equally as unlikely, viewing my presence existence as a most improbably occurrence

f. Thinking about other elements that exist that we cannot perceive (science)

g. Places on the planet where normal compass points are scrambled (vastly different
culture or landscapes where the human is puny like open sea, vast expanse of snow, enormous
mountains; physically confronted with what dwarfs us, we are forced to reverse our normal perception
in which we are the center of everything

7. Taste True Freedom

a. I no longer need to restrict my thinking and doing - be more daring without feeling
afraid of the consequences, illusions or addictions I can cut loose of to numb anxiety, commit fully to
work, relationships

b. Imagining and viscerally feeling own death - creates a liberating effect, connecting us
more physically to the world around us and heightening our senses, inspiring new depths of empathy
and observational powers, feel rush of adrenaline, more focused mind, notice new details, see people's
face in new light, sense the impermanence in everything around us, deeper emotional responses