Molnar Quest

Episode 4: Citizen Casey

1.
BLACK
QUICK FADE IN:
Titlecard: Joy McBrien

ANNOUNCER
Class President Joy McBrien.

FADE OUT

ANNOUNCER
She says she cares about the students.

FADE IN:
A photo of Torby.

ANNOUNCER
But then why does she refuse to go on a date with this student? She
says she has plans,

WHITE FLASH as we
CUT TO a photo of Joy watching TV.

ANNOUNCER (cont’d)
But does this look like plans to you?

The screen flashes RED, leaving the photo a RED TINT.

CUT TO BLACK
FADE IN:
Joy’s class photo.

ANNOUNCER
Joy McBrien, why won’t you go out with me?

CUT TO:
INT – Recording Studio
Torby is at the microphone. Casey is behind him. Casey smacks Torby
upside the head.

TORBY (in announcer voice)

Ow.

CASEY
You seriously have a problem, man.

2.
Intro – The Government Totally Sucks – Tenacious D
FADE OUT
FADE IN:
Titlecard: Monday
FADE OUT
FADE IN:

3.
INT – Molin’s Classroom – Morning
Molin stands at the front of the class, holding a yellow sheet of paper.

MOLIN
Alright, announcements… The basketball team is selling candy bars…
George, you have school service during lunch today… Oh, Student Council
elections are coming up.

CASEY (OS)
Yay, plot device!

MOLIN (cont’d)
Incumbent President McBrien, would you like to make a statement?

JOY (OS)
Why, yes I would!

She walks to the front of the classroom. Molin moves to the side.

JOY
Hello, class, you all know me: your class president, Joy McBrien. I
guess I really don’t have to say anything, being that I’ve ran
unchallenged every year since sixth grade. Just vote for me, and you’ll
continue to see all the things you love, like-

TORBY (to himself, over Joy)

You, and your golden hair, and your perfect smile-

RICH (to himself, over Joy)

-and tequila, and cigars, and the smell of fresh graffiti-

CASEY (to himself, synchronous with Joy)

-and Hot Satchels in the vending machines, and Taco Tuesday, and Pajama
Day… I hate all of those things!

RICH
Gasp! You hate Taco Tuesday?

CASEY
That’s right, and it’s time someone made some changes around here!

4.
INT – MSA Hall – Day
A “Vote for Casey” poster is stapled to the wall. Joy, Kelsey, Erin,
and Christine are gathered around it.

ERIN
You’ve got to be kidding me.

JOY
Wow, now I’ll actually have to work at this position. Damn that Casey
for giving me a challenge!

KELSEY
Wouldn’t it be ironic if it turned out that you actually had no
leadership or campaigning skills and Casey won the election?

JOY
That would just be depressing. I’d have no useful abilities, and I’d
just be another piece of eye candy, like Christine.

CHRISTINE
I like candy.

JOY
But seriously, we need to get working on beating Casey.

KELSEY
“We”? Nuh-uh. I told you already, I don’t do politics. Only protesting.

JOY
Well, fine. Me and Erin and…

She hesitates as she looks at Christine.

JOY
We’ll just run this whole campaign by ourselves, I guess. See you next
episode.

Joy and Erin walk off one way, while Kelsey and Christine walk off the
other way.

FADE OUT
FADE IN:
Titlecard: Tuesday
FADE OUT
FADE IN:

5.
EXT – MSA Classroom – Day
A piece of notebook paper with “Casey’s Campaign Office” written on it
is taped to the outside of the door. SLOW ZOOM IN on the door.
CUT TO:

INT – MSA Classroom – Day

Torby, Casey, Rich, Tony, Travis, and Willie are gathered around a
table.

TORBY
Well, since I’m so smart, I call being campaign manager.

CASEY
Why don’t you want to be vice president?

TORBY
Oh, shit, I changed my mind-

CASEY
<buzzer noise> Too late! You already called campaign manager!

TORBY
Aw, poopy. Who’s going to be vice president, then? Willie? You know
stuff about politics, right?

WILLIE (leafing through a hefty law book)

Yes, but Woodbury law decrees I can’t hold two positions of office, no
matter how insignificant one may be. I’m outta here.

Willie closes the book and leaves. The guys stare bewilderedly at him.

RICH
Anyways, I think Travis should be vice president. It’ll help get the
minority vote.

TRAVIS
Minority? Voting goes by grade, and I’m one of, like, three minorities
that’s not White or Asian. And Joy already has the Asian vote, ‘cause
she funded the Math Club.

TONY (tapping on his laptop)

Yeah, I just ran the numbers on that… Non-Whites and non-Asians average
out to exactly zero percent of our grade.

CASEY
And if we multiply the number of total votes by zero percent,
everything becomes equalized! It’s foolproof! I appoint Travis as my
vice president!

RICH
If that’s everything, then, Tony and I will be taking off. We’ve got a
little something we’ve been cooking up for the election season.

TONY
Yeah, we don’t like the way the Student Council is running things, and
we’ve got a plan to stir up some chaos and make them change their
minds… Heh heh heh…

TORBY
What, are you gonna bomb the Student Council offices or something, you
freakin’ psychopaths?

TONY
What? No! We’re going to stage a peaceful protest at the debate! Jeez,
you call us psychopaths, you’re the one with the insane ideas!

TORBY
Well you were talking all creepy and ominous-like, what was I supposed
to think?

RICH
Whatever. We’re out. Let’s roll, Tony.

They get up and leave.

CASEY
Anyways, while you weren’t looking, I gathered some information on
Joy’s campaign manager. Her name is Grace, and very little is known
about her or her mysterious past. She just rolled into town a week ago,
and moved into the house where the Mafia Don was assassinated…

TORBY
What are you, stupid? She’s been going to school here for as long as we
have!

CASEY
What? Seriously?

TRAVIS
Yeah, dude. Even I know that, and I’m a dumb Fighter archetype.

CASEY (shaking his fist on the last line)

Dammit, I got faulty information! I’ll get you for this, Estevez!

TORBY
Moving on… We need to think of something attention-grabbing for your
campaign. “Vote for Casey” is descriptive and all, but we need
something the kids will eat up like oat bran cereal.

CASEY
You’re right! Kids do love oat bran cereal! How about oat bran cereal?
Kids will eat that like oat bran cereal!

He wrings his hands as he plots.

TRAVIS
How about something shiny? Everyone loves shinies!

TORBY
I like your thinking, Travis! I’ll get to work on a poster design.

6.
EXT – Casey’s Campaign Office - Day
Grace stands outside the door, forefingers pressed to her temples, eyes
closed. Some glowy effects are going on around her head. She opens her
eyes and drops her hands as the glowy stuff disappears.

GRACE
Shiny stuff, eh? We’ll just see who gets those posters printed first,
Torby… Mwahahaha!

Grace sneaks off down the hallway. She stops at a locker, opens the
lock, and steps inside.

INT – MSA – Grace’s Sweat Shop

About twenty scrappy, grubby Vietnamese kids are standing around a
printing press and graphic design studio, smoking cigarettes.
Grace steps onto the catwalk at the top of the room, grabs a whip from
hammerspace, and begins whipping the children as she shouts in
Vietnamese. They scramble to their stations and begin work on Joy’s
campaign posters.
Grace walks up to one of the drawing tables and the kid there shows her
a concept drawing, which looks somewhat like Mr. Sparkle, except it’s
Joy, not Homer Simpson. Grace cusses at him in Vietnamese and sets fire
to his drawing via pyrokinesis (complete with Psychonauts HUD).

7.
INT – MSA – Classroom – Day
Rich and Tony have acoustic guitars and are sitting on the floor with
all sorts of papers around them, as they are writing a song.

RICH
Okay, how about this:
“We want it our way / Like at Taco B-Zay”

TONY
God dammit, Rich! For the eleventh time, you can’t rhyme “way” with
“Taco BZ”!

RICH
Fine. Humph.

He takes off his guitar and tosses it aside.

RICH
This is so hard!

He grabs a copy of Feedback magazine off the table.

CLOSE UP on the magazine cover. Vincent Jones of Mephisto is on the

cover, playing his guitar with the Pick of Destiny.

RICH (cont’d)
What do these guys have that we don’t?

CUT BACK:
Tony now has a couple magazines. He shuffles through them.

TONY
Well, they all have the same guitar pick…

They slowly look at each other in a totally epic way. A brief clip of
The Metal by Tenacious D is heard.

8.
INT – MSA – Hallway – Day
Torby, Casey, and Travis are standing around one of Joy’s posters. It’s
covered in shinies.

TORBY (exasperated)
What the hell?

He holds up one of Casey’s posters from his stack of several.

TORBY
Do you know how long it took me to convince Molin to give me the keys
to the copy room?

TRAVIS
How did they end up exactly the same?

TORBY
Oh, crap. I forgot Grace is psychic. She probably stole the ideas out
of my mind!
CASEY
What are you, stupid? She’s been going to school here for as long as we
have!

TORBY
Shut up. You guys wait here for a minute; I have a solution.

The Oblivion waiting interface pops up. The cursor sets to one minute
and the wait is activated.
FADE OUT
FADE IN:
Torby returns with a box of tin foil. He rips out a sheet and slaps it
to Casey’s head. It instantly forms to his head shape. He does the same
for Travis.

TORBY
Alright, don’t look.

He steps OS. His hand passes in frame with his hat in his hand as he
sets it down. His hand passes back by again with a tin foil hat. He
walks back onscreen with his tin foil hat on.

TRAVIS
Tin foil? This is seriously going to protect us from psychic brainwaves?

In mid-sentence, we CUT TO
Grace, around the corner, telepathically eavesdropping. Suddenly,
something seems to pop in her brain. Her eyes screw up, she screams,
and blood squirts from her ears and nose. She falls over, into view of
the guys.

TORBY (OS)
See?

Grace gets up.

GRACE
Damn you, Torby! You haven’t seen the last of me!

She runs off.

TORBY
Well, I’d better get started on a new campaign.

FADE OUT
FADE IN:
Titlecard: Wednesday
FADE OUT
FADE IN:

9.
INT – MSA – Simoney’s Office – Day
The new poster reads: “Vote for Casey / Or We’ll Break Your Facey.” A
purple-clawed hand holds it.
Principal Simoney sits at his desk, the poster in his hand. Molin
stands on the opposite side of the desk.
SIMONEY
Good lord. And you let them use the school copier for this?

MOLIN
That Torby kid is very convincing, your principalship, sir.

FLASHBACK TO:
INT – Molin’s Classroom
Molin sits at her desk, typing. Torby leans on the end of the desk.

TORBY (annoying as fuck)

Can I have the keys now? How ‘bout now? Now? Nnnnnnnnnnnnow? How ‘bout
now? What about now? Now? Now? Now? Now?

MOLIN
TAKE THE GODDAMN KEYS!

She throws them at him.

RETURN TO
INT – Simoney’s Office

SIMONEY
We have to put a stop to this. If Casey is elected class president of
the one grade with more potential than any other in MSA’s history, who
knows what tragedy could befall this school and our funding, not to
mention my master plan...

MOLIN
Oh, come off it. You don’t have a master plan.

SIMONEY
You don’t know that. Regardless, this foolishness has to be stopped.
The only question is: how do we do it?

MOLIN
Mr. Simoney, don’t do anything too dangerous…

10.
INT – MSA – Dungeons – Morgan’s Cell – Day
Simoney stands by Morgan’s cell, holding a clipboard. Inside, Morgan
sits on her bench in an orange jumpsuit with the sleeves ripped off,
lifting weights.

SIMONEY (reading from the clipboard)

Morgan Hays… Found in possession of illegally printed test answers and
an ounce of Basilisk Venom. That kind of behavior could have gotten you
expelled, you know…

Morgan angrily drops her barbell and approaches the gate.

MORGAN
I told you, I thought it was Sportsade, alright?

SIMONEY
Shut up. I’m here to offer you a trade. I’ll give you a pardon from the
rest of your detentions, and all you have to do for me is a simple task:
He holds out a sniper rifle.

SIMONEY
Kill Casey Heurung.

JAKE (OS, dramatic music)

Bum bum buuuuuuuuum!

PAN TO Jake’s cell.

SIMONEY
Hey, you shut up and keep writing your sentences, curly.

JAKE
Just trying to add a little dramatic flair to the moment. Sorry that
you hate performing arts, Principal Simoney. Jeez.

CUT OUT
FADE IN:
Titlecard: Thursday
FADE OUT
FADE IN:

11.
INT – MSA – Classroom – Day
Tony and Rich walk in, dirty and tired.

RICH
Well, that plan didn’t work too well…

TONY
Yeah, way to “scope out” the Rock and Roll History Museum. How could
you not see the freakin’ guards there?

RICH
I don’t know, stop yelling at me. I’m pissed off, too.

TONY
Hey, at least we got real evidence of La Chupacabra!

He holds up his camera.

RICH
Dammit, Tony, that’s not what we need right now!

He smacks the camera out of Tony’s hands. It hits the floor and a
compartment in the back pops open. Smoke fizzles out.

TONY
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! The film!

RICH
You still have a camera that uses film?

Tony looks at him with crushed dreams in his eyes.

RICH
Anyways, these fruitless side quests aren’t getting us anywhere. What
we need is a little bit of magic inspiration, if you know what I mean…

TONY
Wait, are you talking about weed? ‘Cause I don’t smoke, you know that.

RICH
What? No! What the hell is up with people misinterpreting us lately?
Besides, I’m already pretty high; I don’t think I need any more to
think on the astral plane, know what I’m sayin’? Anyways, I was talking
about, y’know, the dark arts.

TONY
Like, Torby? Black Mage stuff?

RICH
No, the power of the underworld…

Tony looks like he’s beginning to understand.

RICH
The arcane wisdom of the unholy defiler? Come on, you’re not gonna make
me say it, are you? Alright, fine. The black blessings of… Stan.

TONY
Oh, right. Stan. Lord of Hell and all that. I know who you’re talking
about now. So how do we, uh, channel his power or whatever?

RICH
We need a virgin sacrifice, but where do we find one…?

Andrew cowers behind a bookcase and nervously looks for an exit.

RICH
Say, Tony, you’re a virgin, aren’t you?

TONY
So are you, jackass!

The quickly draw knives and leap at each other. Their fight rapidly
turns into a cloud of dust, a flurry of limbs, and a menagerie of
damage indicators.

12.
INT – MSA – Casey’s Campaign Office – Day
Casey, Travis, and Torby are gathered around a table. A few Taco BZ
bags, Pizza Shanty boxes, and cans of Cork are scattered around the
room, because they haven’t bothered to clean up.

CASEY
So, we don’t really get to break their facies?

TORBY
Only if they really deserve it. Next order of business, someone has to
clean this room.
Beat

TORBY (nodding, Amirite?)

Next order of business: matching suits. Huh? Huuuuuuuuuh?

CASEY
Make it so!

TORBY / TRAVIS
Yessss!

Torby and Travis high-five. Torby scribbles something on his piece of

paper.

TORBY
Okay, now, some actual planning. You need to get ready for your debate
against Joy on Friday. Now, Joy’s going to be talking about issues that
matter, so we need to do something so dazzling that the voters won’t
care about relevant stuff anymore.

CASEY
How about this: I come onstage… in a bikini!

TORBY
No.

They pitch dumb ideas as Morgan sneaks up behind a wall of garbage. She
moves in close enough to drop a poison pill in Casey’s cup on the edge
of the table. She hides as Casey grabs it and moves to drink.
Suddenly, Willie bursts in the room.

WILLIE
Hey, wait, don’t you need a food taster?

Willie’s tongue shoots across the room and grabs Casey’s cup out of his
hand. Willie swallows the cup whole. He quickly turns blue and gets
KO’d. Morgan curses silently. Casey, Torby, and Travis rush to Willie.

CASEY
Woah, good thing he was there to save me! I could have accidentally
swallowed that glass! I didn’t even know it was there.

TRAVIS
It looks like it was poisoned, actually…

CASEY
Wow, I haven’t even been at this for a week and already I’m having
assassination attempts! I must be doing a good job!

TORBY / TRAVIS
Yay! Success!

13.
INT – MSA – Classroom – Day
Tony and Rich have since abandoned their knives and are listlessly
strangling each other. Eventually, they both run out of energy and
collapse backwards. They lay on the ground panting.
RICH
It’s no use… We both want to live too much. We’ll have to find another
acceptable sacrifice for our dark master…

Cody walks in.

CODY
Hey, guys, what’s going on? Is it nap time?

Rich and Tony exchange evil smiles.

FADE OUT
FADE IN:
Titlecard: Friday – The Debate
FADE OUT
FADE IN:

14.
INT – MSA – Student Council Office – Day
A stage is set up in the rotunda, and both Joy and Casey are at
podiums. A large crowd is gathered.

JOY (fading in, mid-sentence)

-futures of our children, and our children’s children. But really, it’s
all hypothetical. You can rest assured that this administration will be
prepared should something of that magnitude occur.
Ruthie is seated at the moderator’s table.

RUTHIE
Thank you, President McBrien, for that unnecessarily long response.
Citizen Heurung, your response?

Casey takes a deep breath, but before he can begin…

The office hall doors fly open, revealing Rich and Tony, decked out in
Stanic armor, holding their guitars. Behind them are a legion of
protesters, including Kelsey, Jake, and Lea.

RICH (booming)
Hello, students of MSA! We have come here today to stage a peaceful
protest. Listen and tremble in awe!

Rich and Tony strap on their guitars and begin playing their song.
Their elaborately-staged protest is all about the tater tots that are
no longer a permanent fixture in the cafeteria. They finish their song
and the crowd goes wild.
Torby applauds politely. Something near the top of the room catches his
eye and he looks up.
Morgan is on a catwalk near the ceiling with her sniper rifle, aimed at
the stage.

TORBY (internal)
Holy crap! Sniper in the catwalk! Someone’s in danger! Time to leap
into action!

Morgan fires her sniper rifle in slow motion.

Torby runs towards the podiums in slow motion, screaming NOOOOOOOOO!
He leaps in front of Joy’s podium (still in slow motion) to take the
bullet. Joy looks at him confusedly.
In slow motion, Morgan’s bullet goes through Casey’s head, KO’ing him.

In regular motion again, Torby falls on the ground like a jackass.

Meanwhile, Casey is KO’d and bleeding all over the stage. Travis bends
over Casey’s body.

TRAVIS
Oh my god! Someone assassinated Casey! How will we ever know who did it?

Up on the catwalk, Morgan pumps her arm.

MORGAN
OWNED, BITCH!

She grabs a rope attached to some girders on the ceiling and swings
away through an emergency exit on ground level.
Ruthie looks around confusedly.

RUTHIE
Well, um… In that case…

She flips through a binder on the table.

RUTHIE
Since Casey is no longer able to compete in the debate, the position of
the class president goes to Joy.

TRAVIS
Wait, what about me? I’m the vice president, I should be able to take
over for him, right?

RUTHIE
Actually, no.

TRAVIS
What? What’s the point of having a vice president, then?

RUTHIE
There is no point. In fact, there isn’t actually a vice presidential
position in the Student Council. People just started picking vice
presidents out of imitation of the democratic model. I’m unsure of why
you were even onstage during the debate.

TRAVIS (mumbly)
Well, Erin was onstage…

RUTHIE
Well, she’s Joy’s vice president.

TRAVIS
WHAT!?

RUTHIE
Shush. It doesn’t matter. Joy wins by default. Again. Have a nice day,
everyone.
The crowd erupts in cheers and confetti flies everywhere. They take Joy
and Erin and carry them out. Torby, Travis, and Ruthie slowly follow
the crowd.
Once everyone is gone, Brendan leaps from the ceiling with a ticking
time bomb in his hand and lands on the stage, right next to Joy’s
podium.

BRENDAN
Alright, nobody move, or the president gets blown sky… high… Aw, Monet
damn it.

15.
Credits – Congratulations – MGMT

16.
INT – MSA – Nurse’s Office – Day
Casey is sitting in a hospital bed with a bandage wrap around his head.
Cody is in the bed next to him, covered in various bandages and
orthopedic braces.

CODY
So aside from giving Rich and Tony their song, Stan also gave me these
cool powers. See?

He summons a wave of sand from the floor and sends it crashing forward.

CASEY
He gave you the power to… control sand?

CODY
Yeah, I’m a Sand Witch! Get it?

He laughs dorkily. Casey angrily reaches over and pulls the plug from
Cody’s life support system. Cody’s laughing turns to coughing and his
EKG flatlines.

END.