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Communication

People organise to get more done than they can accomplish work ing alone.
Without communication, efforts cannot be combined, inputs expressed or outputs
articulated.

Communication is not the same as information, which consists mainly of patterns.

Because the way we pattern information is special to each of us, it is necessary to
tell each other the information, and also how we are putting the following together.

Use patterns to guide you in understanding. Don’t let patterns govern you.

Understand that people are different, thus their patterns are different. Reach out
to this difference. This will make understanding easier. The biggest barrier to
communication is the misconception that everybody else is exactly like us. Be
aware that patterns are being created by what others say or do. They might mean
to create these patterns or they might not. However, we are often caught in the
web of these patterns. We need to be aware of these patterns being created so
that we can avoid being victims of these patterns, or being affected by them.
Learn to be creative or responsive in Communication rather than reactive and
duplicative.

The use of symbols distinguishes humanity from other forms of life. People act
towards things in terms of the meaning these things have for them. The meanings
are derived from interaction with others. Meanings are modified by people’s
interpretation of situations, objects and events.

Awareness guidelines: You cannot not communicate. There is no opposite to

communicating. Communication occurs at two levels the level of what is said and
the level of how it is said. It is difficult sometimes to figure out the punctuation of
a communica tion transaction, when it started or ended, what was the cause and
what was the effect. Communication occurs either between two people on the same
level or between people who see each other as above or below one another.

Communication transactions depend on your taking others into account, knowing

what your relationships are, and being able to communicate according to special
rules.

Communication goes on at two levels - the content and how one should interpret
the communication. Therefore communication includes tone, gestures, facial
expressions, object language, touch and certain patterns of time and distance from
each other.

Communication transactions may be unsuccessful if you do not perform well in the

roles demanded of you and if you do not understand who you are in relations to
others.
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Building Effective Relationships

To the extent you give people what they need, they give you what vou need.
Unfortunately, the opposite is also true.

We always believe in getting before giving and this does not work. It breaks
relationships rather than build them up.

People are different. They have a right to be different. They are unique.
However, the needs of people are similar. We must look beyond their wants to
understand their needs.

People’s Needs

Acceptance : People need to be accepted as they are. Everybody has

negatives and positives. Everybody is a package deal.
They need to be accepted unconditionally.

In a relationship, it is sometimes possible to change the

situation. We often try to change the other person. It
doesn’t work. We need to change ourselves or motivate
change in others. Change begins through acceptance.

Understanding : Understanding is giving the person the right to feel. It is

giving the person the right to be different. It is coming
to conclusion after having all the facts. It is listening
and empathy.

Self - worth : People need to feel they are of worth and value. We
can give it to them by giving appreciation,
understanding them, showing them possibilities for
growth, but above all, treating them as people with
worth by treating them as we would like them to be
rather than as they are. Each person is important and
unique - reach out to and make them understand this
importance and uniqueness.

Appreciation : Give appreciation when you have the opportunity.

People need the boost. Let appreciation be genuine.
Criticize only when it is constructive and result
oriented. Critcize in private; appreciate in public.
Criticize the action, not the person. Don’t keep the past
in mind or the conversation when you criticize.

Motivation : Please need to be motivated. Emotional needs reached

out to can motivate people.
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When and How to Confront

Types of behaviour and people when they confront

The Accusers : Blame others effectively. Refuse to take the blame. If

firmly challenged, crumple after putting up token
resistance.

The Placators : Will do anything to avoid confrontation. They have a need

for approval from people and will go to any length to get
it.

The Instructors : They have a strong need to preach and to educate others.
They are usually out of touch with their deeper emotions
and are insensitive to others.

The Diverters : They either use too many words, or cloud issues in some
way, to avoid direct confrontation.

The Levelers : Open and direct and can face an issue without getting
angry or losing control.

In Confrontation

Confront the right person, at the right time, in the right place, for the right reason.

Don’t try to change other people or their way of thinking.

Accept what people think and use it to turn their way of thinking.

Make your enemy, your friend.

Don't

– Don’t expect logic or argument to wipe away deepseated fears,

values or beliefs.

– Don't try too hard to win attention, laughter or applause.

– Don’t use gossip and character assassins circles

– Don’t dominate the argument

– Avoid being negative and critical

– Don’t be afraid to admit that you are wrong

– Don’t forget the power of listening or the power of people and

relationships.
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Guidelines for Constructive Feedback

* Acknowledge the need for feedback

* Give both positive and negative feedback

* Understand the context

* Know when to give feedback

* Know how to give feedback

§ Be descriptive

§ Don’t use labels

§ Don’t exaggerate

§ Don’t be judgmental

§ Speak for yourself

§ Talk first about yourself, not, about the other person

§ Phrase the issue as a statement, not a question

§ Restrict Your feedback to things you know for certain

§ Help people hear and accept your compliments when

giving positive feedback.

* Know how to receive feedback

§ Breathe

§ Listen carefully

§ Ask questions for clarity

§ Acknowledge the feedback

§ Acknowledge valid points

§ Take time to sort out what you heard.

An Easy-to-Remember Guide for Constructive Feedback

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Sequence Explanation

1. “When you...” Start with a “When you ..." statement that

describes the behavior without judgment,
exaggeration, labeling, attribution, or
motives. Just state the facts as
specifically as possible.

2. "I feel..." Tell how their behavior affects you. If you

need more than a word or two to describe
the feeling, it’s probably just some variation
of joy, sorrow, anger, or fear.

3. “Because I ..." Now say why you are affected that way.
Describe the connection between the facts
you observed and the feelings they provoke
in you.

(4. Pause for discussion ) Let the other person respond.

5. “I would like...” Describe the change you want the other

person to consider ...

6. “Because...” . . . and why you think the change will

alleviate the problem

7. “What do you think?” Listen to the other person’s response . Be

prepared to discuss options and compromise
on a solution.

BEHAVIOUR
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At the root of people problems is the behaviour of both parties concerned.

Behaviour breeds behaviour

It is really a case of ‘do as you would be done by’, if you are angry and you let that
anger show, anyone you deal with will become angry too. If, on the other hand,
you quash your anger and behave in a friendly and helpful manner, the other party
will be friendly and helpful too.

Taking this line of thinking further, questions lead to answers, and

acknowledgement of the speaker leads to an even longer and more detailed
answer. Cutting someone short leads to silence and no information at all whereas
disagreeing generally leads to interruptions. You can choose your own behaviour.

While it is tempting to follow the behaviour pattern suggested by another party to

any conversation, you still have the choice of remaining your own person.
Responding to anger with anger only leads to an argument; responding instead with
a calm, helpful manner will take away the anger and lead to a solution to the
problem. You can use your behaviour to hinder or help each meeting

This type of behaviour is very easy to put into effect: you could decide to ignore
people to prove your superiority and hinder any discussion; on the other hand, you
could decide to be friendly and helpful, thereby ensuring that the outcome is
success. You cut smile at people to make them feel welcome, or frown to make
them feel a nuisance. You can take everything personally to make sure they calm
up, or relax and let meetings proceed smoothly.

To be convincing, visual and verbal behaviour must tell the same story

Your body language must match your words. When you say something positive, a
smile reinforces the message, a frown confuses. Avoiding eye contact makes
people suspicious; looking them in the face shows openness and interest.

BODY LANGUAGE CHECKLIST

How to appear defensive

Avoid eye contact and looking away. Cross your arms and keep your hands
clenched. Keep rubbing your nose or one eye or one ear. Lean as far as possible
from the other person; cross your legs if seated and swivel your feet towards the
door if standing. These tactics should get the other people on the defensive too
and ensure failed communication.

How to appear anxious

Blink frequently and lick your lips. Try clearing your throat regularly too. Tug at
one ear and put a hand over your mouth when speaking to make all conversation in
distinct. Open and close your hands frequently. If you are sitting down, keep
fidgeting in your chair and jig your legs up and down. Such behaviour should
ensure a total atmosphere of nervous tension, which is bound to stifle any real
communication.

How to appear aggressive

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Stare at the other person, preferably over the top of your spectacles. If you don’t
wear spectacles, try raising your eyebrows in exaggerated disbelief or amazement;
or you could always wear an 'I've heard it all before' smile. Point your finger at the
other person or thump the table. If that fails, grab the back of your neck and rub it
while frowning. Stand while the other person remains seated and then stride around
so they have to keep moving to keep you in sight. If you decide to sit, lean back in
your chair, legs splayed and hands clasped behind your head. This approach
should terrify even the strongest of individuals and ensure total communication
failure.

Of course, if you would rather encourage communication and solve people

problems, try the following three patterns of behaviour:

How to seem friendly and co-operative

the other person in the face without staring. Smile when you see them and nod
your head as they talk. Keep your hands open, occasionally moving one hand to
your face. Do not cross your arms. If you are sitting, keep your legs uncrossed
and lean forward to show interest. If you are standing, move closer to the other
person, but not so close as to be threatening.

The behaviour will ensure a relaxed and friendly response from your colleagues
and give every chance for successful communication.

How to seem confident

Look into the other person’s eyes, thrusting your chin forward and avoiding
blinking. Stand straight and at ease with your hands behind your back, or steeple
your fingers; but at all times keep them away from your face. When you are
seated, lean back with leg stretched out in front of you; at all times avoid sudden
movements.

These tactics should ensure the other party is aware of your strength of resolve
and confidence in the outcome of any negotiation.

How to seem thoughtful

When listening, tilt your head to one side and make small agreement noises
without interrupting the flow. Stroke your chin, or pinch the bridge of your nose.
Lean forward to speak and back to listen keeping your legs still.

This approach should ensure that you seem thoughtful and willing to listen to the
other person’s point of view.

POSITIVE VERSUS NEGATIVE BEHAVIOUR

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In every situation, there will be moments when your behaviour can rescue or
destroy a chance at communication. Try to take the positive behaviour path at all
times. On the following pages are pairs of statements describing the positive and
negative responses to differing situations.

Negative behaviour Positive behaviour

1. Lean away with hands clenched, Lean forwards with hands open,
arms crossed and legs crossed. arms uncrossed and legs
uncrossed.

2. Look at the other person for less Look at the other person for
than 50 per cent of the time. approximately 60 per cent of the
time

3. Listen silently with no continuity When listening nod and make

noises and/or interruptions before the listening noises such as ‘um’,
other person has had their say. ‘yes’, ‘really’.

4. Wear a blank expression Smile

5. Sit opposite the other person across Sit beside the other person or at a
a desk 90-degree angle to them

6. Don’t use the other person’s name or Use the other persons name early
use it artificially so that it jars. on in the conversation and
smile when you use it

7. Don’t ask questions or ask Ask open questions

closed questions.

8. Offer no summaries and don’t Summarise to the other person

check your understanding what you think they have said.

9. Stick rigidly to saying things Say things that refer back to what

that are routine and standard. the other person has said.

10. Don’t acknowledge the other person’s Show sympathy by saying you
expressed feelings or point of view. under stand how the other person
feels and can see things from
their point of view.

11. Never explicitly agree with the other When in agreement with the other
person. person, openly say so and why.

12. Pick holes in the other person’s Build on the other person’s ideas.
ideas.

13. Criticise the other person Be non-judgmental towards the

other person

14. Disagree first, then say why If you have to disagree with the
other person, give the reason
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first and then say that you

disagree.

15. Be defensive and never admit Admit it when you don’t know the
to any inadequacy answer or when you have made a
mistake

16. Be secretive and with hold information Openly explain what you are
from the other person, even though doing or, intend to do for the
it affects them other person.
.

17. Be inconsistent with your body Make sure your body language
language. emphasises your speech.

18. Negative Behaviour Remain aloof, Positive Behaviour. Whenever

stand back and don’t touch the other possible, touch the other persons
person. remembering the need for
personal space.

19. Don’t give the other person anything. Give the other person something,

even if it is only a name or a or

a piece of paper with notes on it.

10 WAYS TO BETTER COMMUNICATION

1. Use vocal variety

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Try to develop the characteristics of a good speaking voice so that people will want
to listen. Appealing articulation:

is pleasant in tone, conveying warmth;

is natural for the sake of sincerity;
has enthusiasm to strengthen advocacy of a point;
contains vocal variety to avoid monotony;
has volume and clarity so that the information is easily assimilated.

2. Make it persuasive
In order for people to change views or firmly held beliefs, three things must
happen. First, they need a rational appeal to logically justify this new belief.
Second, they must become motivated emotionally. Third, they must have sincere
belief in the source of the information.

1. Fact – the information must be logical and truthful.

2. Emotion – to draw people to your cause their emotions must be
aroused..
3. Credibility – to persuade, you must be manifestly knowledgeable,
authoritative and of the highest integrity.

3. Present your ideas in an orderly manner

The difference between a box of coloured glass and a stained glass window is
Organisation. Relate your points in a logical pattern so that others can follow it
easily.

4. Use 'you' appeal

Phrase your articulation to highlight the interest of the listener. Where possible
use ‘you’ rather than 'I'. Ideas that are of no ‘personal’ interest to the listener will
fall on deaf ears.

5. Use the KISS method

Avoid eclipsing the main point of your message by overcommunicating. KISS
means: ‘Keep It Short and Sweet’ or, as others would prefer, ‘Keep it Simple,
Stupid’ .

6. Be stimulating
If you can find a way to stimulate the other person's brain you are in business.
Stimulate others by getting them to use their brain: by asking questions, showing
interest in their interests, asking for their advice or opinions and making them feel
important. It really works!

7. Be conscious of bias
Avoid stereotyping, labelling or generalising about any person or group. We are all
individuals with unique beliefs, attitudes, feelings and emotions.

Similarly, the reverse is also true. The labels that people put on you can have
quite an impact on how they perceive your message. Consider the implications of
your comments on the receiver and have regard for his feelings.

8. Be a mirror of your message

Project a successful image in manner, attire and presentation.

9. Watch body language

Set aside a period of time every day to study the body languages of others. At the
same time be conscious of your own body talk. When you are talking to people
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watch out for spontaneous physical reaction and try to work out what signal is
coming across. Observe gestures, posture and expressions and check to see if the
signals are consistent with what is being said or contrary to it.

10. Empathise all the time

Only with empathy can you recognise the needs that others have. This helps to
tailor the message in a manner that promises to fulfill their needs. Consider the
listeners’ feelings and help them to relax by speaking courteously and sincerely.

An OK attitude

Demonstrating a positive attitude is crucial. The service givers’ attitudes to

themselves and to their clients are the service launch-pad. Our attitudes shape
our responses.
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The Transactional Analysis model of human behaviour provides us with a shorthand

way of understanding what happens between people. In terms of a view of
ourselves we can be anywhere on the continuum:

I’M OK ---------------------------------------------------------------- I’M NOT OK

A person with an ‘I’m OK’ attitude sees herself positively. She will be aware of her
skills and qualities, and her value as an individual, and have basic confidence in
herself. People operating from this position have no illusions about perfection.
They are aware of shortcomings and potential in themselves, but see those as
areas to work on rather than reasons to doubt oneself.

Somebody whose basic attitude is ‘I’m not OK’ lives with self-doubt and self-
criticism. His experience is consistently negative, focusing on faults and failings,
seeing little value in himself and seeing all contributions he might make to
situations as largely futile.

As well as attitudes to ourselves we subconsciously carry round attitudes relating

to other people. They also can be seen on a continuum:

YOU’RE OK ---------------------------------------------------------- YOU’RE NOT OK

A person whose basic attitude to others is ‘You’re OK’ sees other people as
worthwhile, significant and of value. She will see their talents and their qualities,
she will be aware of their skills and contributions in any transaction.

On the other hand, some people do see others as basically ‘Not OK’. This attitude
causes us to view people as not worthwhile. We will be aware of them as
nuisances, as problems, as irritants. We will see their inadequacies and failings
before we see anything else.

We can piece together these attitudes towards ourselves and others and see how
they can explain a great deal of what happens between people. The continua
combine to give us four quadrants.

Quadrant 1

I’M OK - YOU’RE NOT OK

A person operating from this quadrant might be seen as arrogant, domineering,

prejudiced, devaluing, opionionated, patronising, rigid, impersonal, not able to
listen, bureaucratic, judgmental, critical, treating people as nuisances, irritants or
stupid. People in this quadrant are often impatient, frequently negative, and can
be aggressive.

Quadrant 2

YOU’RE NOT OK - I’M NOT OK

Somebody coming from this position could be seen as low in energy, very negative,
unlikely to care or take much trouble, apathetic, contributing very little, lacking
commit ment, unresponsive, lacking initiative and quick to accept defeat.
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Quadrant 3

YOU’RE OK - I’M NOT OK

Somebody whose standpoint is from this quadrant might lack confidence, feel
inadequate, play helpless, be submissive, lack sharpness and be servile and non-
assertive.

Quadrant 4

I’M OK - YOU’RE OK

People with this standpoint are most likely to be seen as confident in themselves
and others, responsive, action-orientated, clam under pressure, rational,
energised, creative, flexible, prepared to see others’ points of view, a good
listener, interested in others and working to solve problems.

Awareness of our basic attitudes helps greatly in service situations. Quality

service always happens in quadrant 4. The provider of service acts positively and
confidently, using skills and talents for the benefit of the customer because the
customer is recognised as valuable and worthy of quality attention. In other
quadrants there could be patterns of demeaning the customer, or of servilit y, which
are very different from quality service.

The quadrants are sometimes given other labels:

Quadrant 1 = Win/Lose
Quadrant 2 = Lose/Lose
Quadrant 3 = Lose/Win
Quadrant 4 = Win/ Win

Sometimes after a transaction people emerge feeling they have won or lost. In this
context, winning can mean feeling that you got the better of somebody or gained
some advantage over another person. Losing means you come away feeling you
have been put down, taken advantage of, or you have ‘lost out’ in some way. In
quadrants 1, 2 and 3 somebody loses, be it the service provider, the customer or
both. In quadrant 4 both parties emerge feeling good about their interaction.

Quality service in fact produces a

WIN/ WIN/ WIN
result

The idea of the quadrants is not that anybody inhabits any particular quadrant
permanently. Depending on our mood, our situation and many other factors we can
occupy different quadrants at different times. The value in the idea is:

We do have a choice of quadrants - by being aware, telling ourselves the right

things, developing our skills, we can finish in quadrant 4 more often.

We can invite other people to join us in quadrant 4 - our customers as well as

ourselves will come from a variety of quadrants. By maintaining quadrant 4
behaviour ourselves, listening, being confident, responsive, l being clear and
assertive we can model a way of working that others will follow. We can change
other people’s patterns by being the shining example of how we would like them to
be!
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