When A Child Dies

Podcast Content 2020

In this season – our first season – begins with the pilot that already is featuring Andy, Lisa Musser and Wendy what if we
called this season “We Are All in This Together”.

When a Child Dies – We Are All in This Together (Season One)

Episode One – Understanding Yourself - Who Am I Now? (Katie Witsoe)
1) Understanding Yourself (Part 1)
a. From Caregiver to Caring for Yourself
Who Am I Now?
What could possibly be as important as taking care of my child? Living your life to honor your child’s life.
Am I still a parent? Mom? Or Dad? YES!!
Did I fail? NO!!
b. Nothing Makes Sense
Can’t concentrate – I have lost my ability to think, read and focus
I can’t get out of bed or I find myself doing the same thing over and over (spray painting)
Food has no taste
My emotions are all over the place
*What does it mean if I laugh? What does it say to others?
c. Put on Your Oxygen Mask First Each of us have to work on ourselves – each and every day with everything that
happens to us good or bad and we have to choose how it will impact us.
What do I need? Basic Needs Food, Water, Sleep, Love
Am I a social person who needs people? Who are my people? Where did some of my people go?
Am I private person? What do I do with those that want to help me? They are suffocating me.
Is it ok to grieve alone? [This will dovetail well into our expert advice.]
Understanding Yourself (Part 2)
d. When Will these Stages of Grief End? (Blog about the stages of grief – origins and concept today)
Let’s talk about this
Grief is hard work
It helps to talk about your loss – there is healing in sharing your story [We will discuss again this in a future
episode.]
Who will understand me? Someone who has been there – like another parent. Is this a good time to talk about
Stay in Touch programs and the QoL Mentor program or even dovetail into our expert talking about who will
understand a grieving parent?
e. Expert Advice Who is the Expert?
The Impact of Grief on the body, mind (mental health) and spirit (stay tune for our next episode finding support)
Defining self-care and explaining its importance
You will become the teacher for those who wish to help you
Advice to for those who wish to help someone who is grieving [blog articles about helping and stay tune Ep 3]
Episode 2 - Finding the Help you Need/It Takes More Than Me - What Am I Looking for Now? (Christine O’Brien)
2) Finding the Help you Need/It Takes More Than Me - What Am I Looking for Now? – (Part 1)
a. Who will help me? - This was mentioned last episode, but it bears repeating. Sometimes you need to do additional
work of finding who is and who isn’t helpful. It is not fair, but it often does happen.
Who will you let help you?
Who is best for me to talk to about my grief?
Who can handle my pain and emotions?
Who will stand by me if this takes a long time?
b. When should I look for help?
When you feel the need, you should reach out for help.
When you feel that you want to talk about what happened.
When you feel that no one understands you.
When you no longer feel like you.
c. What do I need?
What is available where I live possibly from the churches, funeral home, local hospital, or hospice (if used)?
What does a support group offer?
What is available on-line? Many resources so many that it can be overwhelming and confusing.
What do I search? St. Jude webpage, words: bereaved; grief support; death of a child
d. How will I find what works best for me?
How to know that something is working for you and helping you is to try it.
However, what you need may change and you may have to continue to search for another source.
If the first thing you try works great. If not keep trying. If reading helps – read. If talking helps – find someone to
listen. If writing helps – write. If something is working for you; you will know as you will begin to look forward to it
or hopefully feel better after participating in that activity. (Lots of silence for emphasis stated by lead parent)
Finding the Help you Need/It Takes More Than Me - What Am I Looking for Now? (Part 2)
e. Where did all those I counted on go?
Where did I go? I barely recognize myself.
Where did my family go? I thought they would be here to help me.
Where did my friends go? Grief is hard work and being there for someone who is grieving is hard work too.
Where does my love for my child go now?
f. Why do I really need to deal with this when I have so many other issues to deal with now?
g. Expert Advice (Who?)
https://whatsyourgrief.com/avoidance-in-grief/
Benefits of sharing your story
Benefits in deciding to help yourself
The feelings associated with grief can be buried but they will not go away if ignored or buried. They will resurface.
Lessons learned from those who have dealt with the painful loss of their child: greater levels of compassion for
others; feelings that their child remains with them; greater purpose in life; positive new direction in life and ability
to reach out and help others.
No need to reinvent the wheel. Expert to restate from their eyes and perspective what they have learned both
within their own lives and witnessing parents in their professional lives.
Episode 3 – Tears and Longings for my Child (Tasha Ives and Lisa Musser)
3) Tears and Longings for my Child (Part 1)
a. Benefits of tears. Don’t hide them let them fall. https://psychcentral.com/blog/why-is-it-so-hard-for-men-to-cry/
Discuss how and where you cried.
How you felt during your cry and after your cry.
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/319631.php#benefits-of-crying
The science behind tears. The reason not to give someone a tissue. [Blog with articles]
Should there be a time limit for a parent’s tears? “People have said “Don’t cry” to other people for years and years,
and all it has ever meant is “I’m too uncomfortable when you show your feelings: don’t cry.” I’d rather have them
say “Go ahead and cry. I’m here to be with you.”” A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood p 116 Fred Rogers
Give yourself a safe space and time to grieve and also a safe space and time not to grieve balancing the two.
b. Longing to hear your child’s name.
Give people permission to say their child’s name.
Say your child’s name until it no longer feels like the elephant in the room.
Ask people to share with you their memories of your child. Talk to me about my child.
Preparing yourself to hear your child’s name when someone else has their name.
c. Longing to see and feel your child.
Longing to hold onto them, to see them, to experience them with your senses – sight, smell, touch, hearing.
Longing to find them as they lived in your home. Where did they leave their toys – even if it bothered you when
they were alive you treasure it now. Longing to discover them in what they left behind like their scent on the
clothes that were not washed; seeing their fingerprints on the walls and kisses on the mirror, life the way they left
it or it was left when they were still here for as long as possible. Their room, their treasures are now your
treasures.
Longing for the future your child will never have. Where do you put those hopes and dreams? How and what to
you do that as you begin to see that each milestone in the future will or can bring you right back to the day they
died?
Tears and Longings for my Child (Part 2)
d. Advice for those helping the grieving: (blog could give even more tips and should be referenced)
Sit with them and listen to them talk about their child, their pain, their sorrow and their struggles.
Invite them over to your place – if they are comfortable leaving their home.
Offer to run interference for them if they express that life is overwhelming. Organize meals for them. Organize
chores getting done – like mowing the lawn, bringing in the trash cans, grocery shopping, etc.
Don’t clean their house – wash their windows or do their laundry – you could be washing away signs of their child
their last kisses on the mirror or fingerprints on the glass door. (As we spoke of earlier in c we can’t see things as
grieving parents see things.)
Want to help? Give the grieving parent options for example I am making dinner tonight do you want to join us or
do you want me to bring dinner over to you? I am at the store in addition to milk and apples what else can I bring
home for you?
e. Expert Advice (Who?)
How to listen to the tears and sadness of others?
How to be an effective care giver for a grieving parent without having compass fatigue?
How do you know when what someone you are caring for needs professional help or intervention?
What steps to take to get professional help involved? [Utilize silence for emphasis.]
Episode 4 – Preparing Yourself for Others – Friends and Strangers (Brenda Rydell and Lisa Trumbo)
4) Preparing Yourself for Others – Friends and Strangers (Part 1)
a. You feel like you are ready to do… what? Get out of the house or something that you haven’t done since your child
died or since the funeral. Did you just walk out your door or did you have a plan? Where did you go? Who was
with you? How did it go?
Did you feel as though you changed when it came to your relationships with your friends or did, they change?
What was the change? How did you explain to your friends what you were going through?
Did you have any friends that clearly took a step back or were even absent when you needed them most? When
did that happen? How is the relationship now? What did you do, or did they do to repair or explain their absence?
What about your friends that were always there for you when you child was sick did, they stay with you through
the [blog to define the differences between Grieving and Mourning] mourning process and are they still there for
you?
Did you ever feel judged by a friend for how you were grieving? What was said? What did you do?
Did you have any hard conversations with friends if they hurt you or left you or did you just accept it as part of
what happens?
Was there a time that you noticed that your friends stopped calling or texting and checking in on you?
Did you make any “hospital friends” with children the same age as your child that died?
Do you find it difficult to talk with now that your child has died and their child is still alive?
Were any of your “hospital friends” members of the staff? When you went home did you lose that friendship?
b. Strangers – They may be a stranger to you, but you may not be a stranger to them.
Did any stranger approach you and attempt to connect with you offering you what they thought were words of
comfort? “Take comfort that your child is no longer suffering.” “Are you a believer? You will see them again.”
Did anyone you didn’t know try to share your grief as they explained how they too were grieving the loss of a pet?
Would you have preferred it if you were completely ignore d or would you rather than put up with their words?
c. Innocent Bystanders – they are the real stranger just making polite conversation asks – “so how many kids do you
have?” Has that ever happened to you? How did you react?
Did you ever unload on an innocent bystander? How did it feel afterwards? How did they react?
Preparing Yourself for Others – Friends and Strangers (Part 2)
Expert Advice: (Who?)
d. Safe people – those who may have experienced a recent loss themselves may be very safe and supporting. How do
you identify these people? What can you learn from them? They are the people that just show up and maybe not
even physically but rather they leave you a card, stop by and hug you, put a book in your mailbox, or leave you a
“happy” [blog post about the Southern tradition of a happy]. Not all friends or strangers are going to react the
same way. There will be negatives. Try to focus on the positive thoughtful people!
These safe people make eye connect. They smile. They offer no words or reasons. They acknowledge your pain
and do nothing to push you through it.
e. Suffocators and Smothers – those are people who “need” to help you for themselves rather than for what yo u may
really need or want. How can you avoid them? How can you get them to listen and really hear you? Why do you
have do be the one to help others NOT help you or teach them what will help? Why is this your new
responsibility?
Smothers often make you question am I that bad? Do I seem that helpless? Hopeless? They are too much and
many times push you through your grief to avoid them. Do not let them be your grief thief. [There is a great
children’s book about this and even though it is written for children it contains wisdom for adults who are grieving.
https://www.amazon.com/Drew-Grief-Thief-Children-Experiencing/dp/1721086803 ]
Episode 5 – When is it Time to Go back to Work, School and the World (Dean Ives and Tammy Payne)
5) When is it Time to Go Back to Work, School and the World (Part 1)
a. Work – Regardless of bereavement leave how did you know and when it was time to return to work?
How did you go back picked a day and went back, returned part time, started back on a Thursday, or where you all
in when leave was over? [I think we should reference some of the articles you read in the blog post.}
Did you speak to anyone first? Did you take all your leave? How was it?
How did people respond to you when you returned?
How did you feel at work?
How did you feel once you returned home at the end of the day?
b. School – This is a huge topic to unpack within an episode however parents can’t return to work with kids at home.
We will take a deeper dive into school and issues related to school aged children when we talk to the children in a
future episode. Stay tune for that!
How did you know when you or your child was ready?
How did you prepare yourself or your child?
Did you prepare of talk to their school or their teachers?
Did they speak to the school counselor?
What about homework – depending on their age were you ready to help?
Did you or they experience any difficulties concentrating or focusing on the schoolwork and schedule?
c. Grocery Store – First of all, this innocent place is full of potential triggers of grief and emotion because it is full of
people some that may know you and others that do not. [Refer back to Episode 4 Friends and Strangers].
Food is love for so many of us and how do you buy food without thinking about your child and what they liked or
didn’t?
Why buy and make food if no one is hungry and you can’t stand looking at the empty place at the table?
How do you look at expiration dates when you see their dates of diagnosis, birthday, the date they died?
What experiences did you have going to the grocery store? How did you overcome the challenges?
What other shopping may need to be done? Maybe not for you but for others that you love and support. Are you
ready for the birthday parties, concerts, activities that are associated with school aged children?
When is it Time to Go Back to Work, School and the World (Part 2)
Expert Advice – (Brent Powell)
d. Doctors/Dentist – What about going back to the doctor –how did you feel if you were sick and had to go to the
doctors or even to a new doctor after your child died? Remember how you felt before your child was sick, did you
mind going to the doctors then?
What about the dentist those appointments are usually made 6 months in advance – if you had an appointment
scheduled with your child knowing that the person in the waiting room has an appointment only because your
child’s death created the opening?
What do you do with your fear and anger?
What if you needed surgery – even minor surgery they ask a lot of questions?
How do you prepare yourself and overcome your fears, concerns and emotions?
e. Church – How do you return?
How do you have faith when your faith didn’t save your child?
How do you go when everyone there knows what happened to you?
How do you survive when the question WHY? constantly comes to your mind?
Will you ever get an answer that will satisfy you?
Will you ever find peace and comfort in your faith again?