best

decade
evertoolkit #3
boundaries 101

@MELROBBINS #dreambigger (617) 284-0725

 W h at a r e b o u n d a r i e s ?
I bet you’ve heard the saying, “love has no boundaries.” I couldn’t disagree
more. Healthy and meaningful relationships need boundaries. While I know
you and I would do almost anything for the people we love, it doesn’t mean
you need to put up with negative treatment.

Simply put, boundaries are rules that you set for the people in your life
and how they treat you and guide how you respond when someone breaks
those rules. Every personal relationship needs some form of boundaries to
be healthy, including friends and family, work, and even with yourself.

Boundaries set the rules for:

• The way people speak to you

• How people treat you

• The types of activities you do with people

• The things you’re willing to do for others

• What you accept blame for

• How you stand up for yourself

• How much personal information you share

@MELROBBINS #DREAMBIGGER (617) 284-0725

2
 Why do you need them?
Boundaries are the ultimate form of self love, and they are incredibly important
for your sense of self worth. They’re also one of the hardest lessons to learn.
When you don’t set healthy boundaries, there’s a toxic cycle that makes you
feel like you’re trapped with low self-esteem:

When you don’t set boundaries, you’re more likely to be codependent on other
people because you’re seeking that validation. You’re also more likely to push
past other’s personal boundaries, even if you don’t mean to.

@MELROBBINS #DREAMBIGGER (617) 284-0725

2
What happens when you start setting strong personal boundaries? Amazing
things. You feel more in control of your life. You’re less resentful. You’re more
confident in your decision making. You attract more supportive friends. You
feel more comfortable speaking up. The list goes on and on and on.

Boundaries are absolutely critical for your sense of self worth and to have
healthy relationships. When you set personal boundaries, you’re proving to
yourself, through action, that you and your needs matter.

When do you need them?

You probably already have unspoken boundaries in your life already. Hope-
fully your boss doesn’t expect you to answer emails at one in the morning,
and your friends don’t pressure you to drink when you don’t want to, and
your mother doesn’t constantly criticise your clothing choices (if any of those
things are happening… keep reading!)

Some are easier and feel much more natural to set than others. It’s much
harder when someone in your life repeatedly acts in ways that make you
uncomfortable, upset, or feel pressured, especially if it’s someone you love.

I’m going to give you some tough love right now: when you don’t speak up,
and you let their behavior go, you’re allowing it.

It’s time for a powerful mindset switch: you train people how to treat you.

The only way you can change how people treat you is by speaking up. If
they treat you like crap, you need to tell them. This is where boundaries
come in.

@MELROBBINS #DREAMBIGGER (617) 284-0725

2
You need to set boundaries.

@MELROBBINS #DREAMBIGGER (617) 284-0725

2
 W h at d o b o u n d a r i e s
look like?

Having healthy boundaries means:

• You don’t compromise your values to make other people feel com-
fortable or to be liked
• You say no when you want to
• You only offer what you’re comfortable giving
• You don’t tolerate toxic behavior
• You don’t do things just because you feel guilty
• You don’t put yourself in unhealthy situations
• You know you’re the only one responsible for your happiness

Boundaries are personal and different for everyone. They’re flexible and can
change and grow over time as you do. Here’s some examples of what they
might look like:

• You don’t go to the bar with your friends anymore and suggest other
activities
• You say no when someone asks you to take on a project you don’t have
time for, even if they try to guilt you into it
• You remove yourself from the conversation when someone says something
intentionally hurtful
• You say no to lending someone money you don’t have
• You don’t overshare with people you don’t know well or don’t feel safe
around

@MELROBBINS #DREAMBIGGER (617) 284-0725

2
• You let someone know they hurt you instead of saying “No worries!”
• You prioritize your needs over your spouses
• You don’t check your work email on the weekends
• You stop blaming others for your problems, and look for solutions

Some boundaries can be more rigid, like not tolerating your spouse berating
you for forgetting to do the dishes. Some can be more flexible-- for example if
you don’t generally work on the weekends but there’s a huge project coming
up and your team needs you, you can be flexible. It comes down to what you
are comfortable with.

Though they can sometimes sound similar, boundaries are not ultimatums.

The key difference between them is that ultimatums come from a place of want-
ing to control another person, and boundaries come from a place of respecting
and loving yourself. Ultimatums tend to come from a place of anger and are
given without a conversation.

setting boundaries 101

You can’t set boundaries silently. You have two options: have a conversation,
or address it situationally. Which one you pick depends on what you’re com-
fortable with, and the nature of the person you need to set boundaries with.

However you decide to communicate, there’s a few things that are necessary
to set boundaries effectively:

• Be clear: Explain exactly what the boundary you’re setting is

• Set consequences: Effective boundaries should have consequences that
you’re willing to follow through on.

@MELROBBINS #DREAMBIGGER (617) 284-0725

2
 • Keep the focus on you: Avoiding blaming the other person or framing the
conversation around how their behavior is wrong.

f e e l i n g g u i lt y ?
Guilt can be a major side effect when you first start setting boundaries, espe-
cially if the people in your life don’t respect them. The most important thing
for you to remember is this: standing up for yourself doesn’t make you mean
or difficult or selfish.

If someone is trying to guilt trip you, you don’t have to buy a ticket. It only
works when you allow it to affect you. The truth is, it has nothing to do with
you and everything about the other person.

Saying no can also be a huge source of guilt, especially if you’re a recovering

people pleaser. Keep this in mind: when you say no to someone else you’re
saying yes to yourself.

If someone doesn’t respect

your boundaries:

Chances are, there’s going to be someone who pushes back against you set-
ting boundaries. They might say things like: “You’re too sensitive!” or “Come
on, it was just a joke!” or “You always used to do it!” or “I was just sharing my
opinion. It’s not a big deal”

@MELROBBINS #DREAMBIGGER (617) 284-0725

2
The people who get upset when you establish boundaries are always the
ones who benefited from you having none.

When someone doesn’t respect your boundaries, or continues to do things

you’ve asked them to stop, there’s two things you have to do:

• Reaffirm what your boundary is as soon as they violate it.

• Remind them of the action you said you’d take.
• Follow through on the action.

when boundaries aren’t enough

If someone repeatedly ignores your boundaries, actively makes you feel guilty
for setting them, or is so toxic that setting boundaries doesn’t help the rela-
tionship, it’s time for you to consider whether or not they deserve a place in
your life.

Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, the relationship isn’t salvageable.
This applies no matter what you’ve gone through together, how long you’ve
known each other, if you’re married, or if you’re related.

By continuing to participate in a toxic relationship, you’re robbing yourself of

the opportunity to have more positive and meaningful ones.

Signs of a toxic person:

• Your other friends and family don’t like or trust this person.
• They always talk about themselves and never ask about you.

@MELROBBINS #DREAMBIGGER (617) 284-0725

2
• They belittle you and your accomplishments.
• They gaslight you.
• They always take but never give.
• They’re jealous of your success instead of celebratory.
• You feel depleted after time together.
• You don’t look forward to your time together.
• They share things with others that you shared in confidence.

boundary planner

It’s time to think about what boundaries you want to set, who you want to set
them with, and how you want to set them. At first, setting boundaries is really
hard. You might feel guilty or have no idea where to start or feel like you’re
doing the wrong thing. That’s why you’re going to create a plan to go back to.

There’s no right or wrong amount of boundaries to set. This is all about you
and your needs. You can use this template over and over again by printing
out this sheet or using your own notebook.

First, acknowledge the areas of your life that need boundaries. They can be
general, refer to a specific relationship, or be situations you often find yourself
in. If you’re feeling lost, look back at the “when do you need them” section
and write down what makes you feel those ways.

@MELROBBINS #DREAMBIGGER (617) 284-0725

2
 boundary planner

@MELROBBINS #DREAMBIGGER (617) 284-0725

2
 boundary planner

Start small by choosing just one boundary to set. This takes practice, and by
starting small you’ll be able to build up your confidence.

s i t u at i o n :

h o w d o e s t h i s m a k e yo u f e e l?

W h at w o u l d yo u l i k e t o c h a n g e a b o u t t h i s s i t u at i o n ?

@MELROBBINS #DREAMBIGGER (617) 284-0725

2
a W h y i s i t i m p o r ta n t t o yo u ?

a W h at b o u n d a ry d o yo u n e e d t o s e t t o
c h a n g e t h e s i t u at i o n ?

a W h at c o n s e q u e n c e s a r e yo u w i l l i n g t o f o l l o w
through on if someone doesn’t respect it?

I am going to address it with

a c o n v e r s a t i o n o r s i t u a t i o n a l ly ( c i r c l e o n e ) .

Use the conversation planner on the next page using your answer above.
If you’re feeling stuck, look at two examples on the next page.

@MELROBBINS #DREAMBIGGER (617) 284-0725

2
@MELROBBINS #DREAMBIGGER (617) 284-0725
2
 example sheet
s i t u at i o n :
My mo m a lwa ys ma ke s n egative co m ments a bout my weight.
h o w d o e s t h i s m a k e yo u f e e l?
It ma ke s me feel h u rt, a sh a med, a n d e mba rra ssed.
W h at w o u l d yo u l i k e t o c h a n g e a b o u t t h i s s i t u at i o n ?
I wa nt my mo m to stop ma ki ng h u rtfu l co m ments every ti me

I see her.
W h y i s i t i m p o r ta n t t o yo u ?
I a m self consciou s a bout my weight a n d doi ng everythi ng

I ca n to ch a nge it. It ma ke s me re sentfu l a n d a ngry with my

mo m even thou gh I love her.

a W h at b o u n d a ry d o yo u n e e d t o s e t t o c h a n g e t h e
s i t u at i o n ?

My mo m is n ot a llowed to ma ke co m ment on or discu ss my weight.

a W h at c o n s e q u e n c e s a r e yo u w i l l i n g t o f o l l o w
through on if someone doesn’t respect it?

If she doe s, I will ch a nge the su bject. If th at doe sn’t work, I

will leave the conversation.

@MELROBBINS #DREAMBIGGER (617) 284-0725

2
I a m g o i n g t o a d d r e s s i t w i t h a c o n v e r s at i o n o r
s i t u a t i o n a l ly
Mo m, co m ments like th at ma ke me feel h u rt a n d e mba r-
ra ssed. I will n o longer be discu ssi ng my weight. If you conti n u e to
ma ke co m ments I will ch a nge the su bject or leave the conversation.

example
s i t u at i o n :
My frien d only rea che s out to me when they n eed so methi ng a n d
ign ore s me otherwise. She ma ke s me feel gu ilty if I ca n’t help her.
I u su a lly en d u p cavi ng.
h o w d o e s t h i s m a k e yo u f e e l?
I feel u sed, ta ken for gra nted, a n d like ou r frien dship doe sn’t
matter. I a lso feel re sentfu l.

W h at w o u l d yo u l i k e t o c h a n g e a b o u t t h i s s i t u at i o n ?
I wa nt the gu ilt trips to en d.
W h y i s i t i m p o r ta n t t o yo u ?
I de serve su pportive a n d hea lthy frien dships. I ca n sa y n o for
a ny rea son without feeli ng pre ssu red.

@MELROBBINS #DREAMBIGGER (617) 284-0725

2
 a W h at b o u n d a ry d o yo u n e e d t o s e t t o c h a n g e t h e
s i t u at i o n ?
If she a sks for help a n d I sa y n o, th at is the en d of the con-
versation. I wou ld like her to rea ch out to me to h a ng out too.

a W h at c o n s e q u e n c e s a r e yo u w i l l i n g t o f o l l o w
through on if someone doesn’t respect it?
If she keeps tryi ng to ma ke me feel gu ilty, I will n o longer enga ge
i n the conversation. If she doe sn’t ma ke a n e ffort to rea ch out to
me, I will put th at en erg y i nto other frien dships.

I a m g o i n g t o a d d r e s s i t w i t h a c o n v e r s at i o n o r
s i t u a t i o n a l ly
I wa nt to ta lk to you a bout so methi ng th at is i mporta nt to me i n
ou r frien dship. T here a re ti me s when I n eed to sa y n o when you
a sk for a favor, but I feel pre ssu red to sa y ye s. It ma ke s me feel
ta ken for gra nted a n d re sentfu l for ta ki ng on thi ngs I ca n’t. T he

n ext ti me I sa y n o, plea se a ccept th at a s my f i n a l a nswer. If you

don’t, I’ ll stop enga gi ng i n the conversation. It’s i mporta nt to me
th at we ch a nge this beca u se I ca re a bout you a s a frien d.

@MELROBBINS #DREAMBIGGER (617) 284-0725

2