The Key To A

Christ-Centered
Marriage

Bill Loveless

Christ Is Life Ministries

Copyright © 2012 by Bill Loveless

All rights reserved. This book may not be copied or reprinted for a commercial gain or profit.
The use of this material for personal or group study is permitted.

Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984
International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996
by Tyndale Charitable Trust. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers.

Scripture taken from the New American Standard Bible®, copyright © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968,
1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission.

Scripture taken from the New King James Version, copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc.
Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked (GNT) are from the Good News Translation in Today’s English
Version—Second Edition, copyright ©1992 by American Bible Society. Used by permission.

Christ Is Life Ministries

Website: www.christislifeministries.com
Email: bill@christislifeministries.com

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 Table of Contents

Introduction….………………………….…................……. 4

Lesson 1 - God’s Design For Marriage………………..... 5

Lesson 2 - The Foundation For A Christ-Centered

Marriage ....................................................... 18

Lesson 3 - The Source of Marital Conflict..................... 30

Lesson 4 - What Is The Truth?………….…………………. 50

Lesson 5 - God’s Process of Transforming Your

Marriage…………………………………..…… 70

Lesson 6 – Final Truths Concerning A Christ-Centered

Marriage…………………………..…............... 84

Appendix-Additional Truths About Our True Identity…101

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 The Layout of This Study
There are six lessons, and each lesson has five daily readings. This will allow you to break
down the material into five separate parts each week. Throughout each lesson will be exercises,
questions, and scripture for you to meditate upon in an “Engaging God” section.

Engaging God

The “Engaging God” section is designed for you to seek out the Holy Spirit for personal
revelation and understanding of what you have just read. This is especially crucial when you
come to truths that contradict what you believe. If we don’t seek God to reveal the truth, then we
will never move beyond the false beliefs that we may be believing.

The Word “Meditation”

Some people struggle with the word “meditation” because of the New Age connotations.
However, it is a biblical word that we do not need to shy away from. The key is what and Who
that we are meditating on. The focus of our meditation will be on God and His truth. If you really
have a struggle with the word “meditate,” then use the word “think” instead.

The Word “Revelation”

I will be using the word “revelation” several times throughout the study. This is a key word
that simply means that God supernaturally takes His truth and makes it personal to you and to
your life situations. Revelation is God’s way of giving you understanding of what you are
reading. Revelation takes you beyond cognitive understanding in that it gives you spiritual
understanding of God’s truth.

What Do You Believe?

Remember this key truth as you go through this study:

You will not live beyond what you believe.

This is key because if you have false or lying beliefs about living the Christian life, then you
will be making choices from those false beliefs. What you believe affects what you think, how
you feel, and the choices that you make. Therefore, one of God’s objectives is to expose your
lying beliefs about God, yourself, and the Christian life. He then wants to move you from
believing the lie to believing the truth. Therefore, I would encourage you throughout the study to
ask God to expose any lying beliefs that you may have and to ask Him to renew your mind to His
truth. (Romans 12:2)

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 INTRODUCTION

I want to personally welcome you to this study. It is a foundational study of God’s

design for marriage and how God intends for His design to function. After discipling several
married couples, it is clear to me that many Christian couples do not fully understand what
it means to build their marriage on the foundation of Jesus Christ. Unfortunately, many
believers are trying in their own strength and ability to produce a Christ-centered marriage.

My wife and I fell into that category for the first ten years of our marriage. We believed
the religious lie that it was up to us (with God’s help) to produce a Christ-centered marriage.
It wasn’t until the end of the first ten years of our marriage that we discovered the biblical
truths that I will be sharing with you that are radically changing our marriage. I trust that the
Lord will do the same in your marriage as you learn these truths and allow God, in His
power, to make them an experiential reality in your life.

There will be several biblical truths presented in this booklet. Some of them you already
know, and some others will be new to you. As important as it is to gain biblical knowledge,
this is only the first step. Someone once told me that “information without transformation is
just information.” God wants to take the knowledge that you learn and use it to transform
your life and your marriage. Whether you have been married for a short time or for many
years, I believe that God is going to use this study to give you new insight into how He
intends for Christians to experience a deeper intimacy and oneness in marriage.

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 Lesson One

God’s Design For Marriage

DAY ONE

Improved or Transformed?

“Be not conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind….”
Romans 12:2
The initial question that I want to ask you concerning this study is, “Do you just want to
improve your marriage, or do you want it transformed?” If you want to know how to improve
your marriage, there are several self-help books on marriage in Christian bookstores that I
know will improve your marriage. However, in the many years I have been meeting with
married couples, I have discovered that they really want their marriages transformed and not
just improved.

The promise in Romans 12:2 for you and your spouse

as Christians is that your marriage and you personally can
be transformed. You see, God is not in the marriage
“remodeling” business. He wants to transform your
marriage as opposed to just improving it. I hope that is
truly what you want for you and your spouse. Here is a
key truth to remember about marriage:

KEY TRUTH
Without transformation from the INSIDE out, Christian couples will NEVER be
able to experience God’s design for a CHRIST-centered marriage and
experience the HAPPINESS and FULFILLMENT that they so desire.

Therefore, the focus of this study will be on internal spiritual transformation of you and
your spouse. So whether you are newly married or have been married for a number of years, I
believe that God will use His truths in this study to take your marriage to the next level of
harmony, intimacy, and oneness in Christ. I can testify that He is accomplishing that in our
marriage. Let’s begin by looking at three classifications of marriage.

Three Kinds Of Marriages For Our Study

In my years of ministry and marriage discipleship, I have found that marriages among
Christians usually fall into three categories:

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Category 1 - A CHRISTIAN Marriage is one where both spouses are Christians. Their
marriage appears to be doing well, but it is a marriage where there is no real ongoing spiritual
transformation. In this category of marriage the couples have learned to cope with each other’s
fleshly behaviors and attitudes and have learned how to cope with unresolvable conflicts and
differences instead of resolving them. In other words, they have learned how to “manage” their
flesh and their conflicts.

What Is COPING?
It is behaviors that couples use to protect or to insulate themselves
from the negative effects of their fleshly behaviors,
unmet needs, and unresolved conflicts.

Another way to simply define coping is doing whatever it takes to “go along to get along.”

Category 2 - A TROUBLED Marriage is one with ongoing conflicts that are causing a
growing emotional separation.

Category 3 - A CHRIST- CENTERED Marriage is one where you are living from Christ as the
Source, are experiencing ongoing spiritual transformation, and are continually moving into a
deeper experience of unconditional love, oneness, intimacy, and harmony with each other and
with God. It is a marriage where both spouses are being transformed into Christ-likeness. We
will discuss more in depth later in the study about the meaning of Christ-likeness. For now, let
me give you a simple definition of Christ-likeness.

Christ-Likeness
means that you will think, believe, choose, and behave like Christ.

Question: Which category do you think your marriage fits into?__________________________

Think about this: In what ways might it transform your marriage if you were thinking,
believing, choosing,and behaving like Christ?
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________

The Differences Between The Categories

Let’s look a little closer at the differences between Category 1 and 2 marriages versus a
Category 3 marriage.

Category 1 and 2 Marriages – Self-Centered Marriages

Category 1 and 2 marriages are what I call “self-centered” marriages. By this I mean that the
husband and wife are focused more on self than being focused on Christ. They are both living
independently of God with the result that they are living from their flesh. The result of living

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from the flesh will be coping and ongoing conflict which eventually could lead to separation or
divorce.

If you are involved in a troubled marriage (Category 2), then your category will be easy to
spot. However, it is the Category 1 marriage that troubles me the most. The reason is that if you
have learned how to cope with each other’s fleshly behaviors and are “managing” your conflict,
then you might be deceived into thinking that you have a Christ-centered marriage.

How Would You Evaluate Your Marriage?

To give you a better understanding of where you are in your marriage, please answer the
following questions:

• Are you both experiencing an increasing harmony, intimacy, and oneness in

your marriage?_____________

• Is your fleshly behavior being transformed into godly behavior? ______________

• Is there an ongoing desire for Christ to be the center of your marriage?_________

• Are you seeking Christ as your Source to resolve your marital conflict?________

• Are you both being transformed into Christ-likeness? ______________________

The truth is that if there is no ongoing spiritual transformation taking place, it is simply a
marriage between two Christians who have learned how to cope with each other. This does not
mean that they can’t love each other or don’t want a Christ-centered marriage.

It simply means that they are trying to produce a Christ-centered marriage

using their OWN strength and ability.

This begs the question, “Can you produce a Christ-centered marriage in your own strength and
ability?” If you have tried to do this, how is it working for you?

DAY TWO

Diagram Of Category 1 and 2 Marriages

Look at a diagram that should help you better understand a Category 1 and 2 marriage (or what
I call a self-centered marriage):

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 A SELF (Flesh)-Centered Marriage

GOD

INDEPENDENT

HUSBAND WIFE
Self-focused
SOURCE
FLESH Self-focused
SOURCE

COPING, ONGOING
CONFLICT, DIVORCE

According to this diagram what are some of the characteristics of a Category 1 and 2 (or a self-
centered) marriage.

Characteristics of A Self-Centered Marriage

1. Husband and wife are primarily focused upon themselves, which results in living
independently from God.
2. Husband and wife are trying to be the source to make a Christ-centered marriage.
2. Fleshly behaviors and attitudes are not being transformed.
3. Husband and wife have learned how to cope with one another’s fleshly behaviors.
4. There is unresolved conflict in one or more areas of the marriage.
5. There is no ongoing internal spiritual transformation taking place.

Let Me Use Our Marriage To Further Illustrate.

Our marriage was a Category 1 marriage for the first ten years. We were both Christians when
we got married. As Christians, we read our Bibles, we went to church, and we attended small
group Bible studies. We appeared to have a healthy marriage. We looked at other Christian
marriages and felt like we were doing better than most. In fact, if someone would have asked us,
we would have told them that we had a Christ-centered marriage.

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 The truth is that over those ten years of marriage we had learned how to cope with each
other’s fleshly attitudes, we were trying to change each other’s fleshly behaviors (i.e., fix each
other), and we were trying to resolve our conflicts apart from God. We were doing several of the
external things that we thought that we needed to do to experience a Christ-centered marriage,
but it was not producing the joy, the oneness, and the intimacy we wanted.

Now, let’s look at what a Christ-centered marriage looks like.

Category 3 Marriage – A Christ-Centered Marriage

In a Christ-centered marriage the husband and wife are both Christ-focused, they are living
dependently upon God as their Source, and they are experiencing Christ-life flowing between
them. The result is increasing harmony, intimacy, oneness, happiness, and transformation.
The next diagram illustrates this.

GOD
E

DE
NC

PE
DE

ND
N
PE

EN
DE

CE

HUSBAND CHRIST-LIFE WIFE

Christ-focused Christ-focused

Harmony, Intimacy
Oneness, Happiness,
Transformation

The Characteristics of A Christ-Centered Marriage

• Each spouse is living with an attitude of dependence upon God as their Source instead of
themselves as the source. John 14:6

• Each spouse is focusing on Christ more than on themselves. Romans 12:10

• Your marriage is being transformed because each spouse is experiencing ongoing
personal spiritual transformation. Romans 12:2
• You and your spouse understand your true identity in Christ. 2 Corinthians 5:17
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• You and your spouse draw on God’s supernatural power to overcome your fleshly
behaviors and to resolve your marital conflicts. Ephesians 1:19, 20
• You have a marriage that is increasing in harmony, intimacy, and oneness.
1 Peter 3:8, 9

Question: After looking at the diagrams and characteristics of a Category 1, 2, and 3 marriage,
what category most applies to your marriage? _______________________

The question that you may be asking is, “How do we know that these are characteristics of a
Christ-centered marriage?” The key to answering this question is to go back to the Garden of
Eden before the Fall of man and see God’s original design for marriage.

DAY THREE
How Do We Know God’s Design For Marriage?

“God saw everything that He had made, and indeed, it was very good.” Genesis 1:31

Let’s go back to the Garden of Eden to see what God’s design is for marriage.

#1 - Adam and Eve Were INDWELT By The Fullness of God.

“Then the LORD God formed man of dust from the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the
breath of life; and man became a living being.” Genesis 2:7

God not only breathed physical life into man, but He also breathed His life into man as well.
In other words, Adam and Eve were indwelt by the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

KEY TRUTH:
God’s indwelling LIFE and POWER were ESSENTIAL for Adam and Eve
to live according to God’s design.

We will see the reason why in the next point.

#2 - God Was Their SOURCE To Meet Their Needs.

“He is the source of your life in Christ Jesus, who became for us
wisdom from God, and righteousness and sanctification and
redemption.”1 Corinthians 1:30

God did this because His design was for Adam and Eve to live
FROM Him as the SOURCE. What does it mean that God was Adam
and Eve’s Source?
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 KEY TRUTH:
Before the Fall, God was Adam and Eve’s Source to meet their
PHYSICAL, SPIRITUAL, and EMOTIONAL needs.

#3 - For God To Be Their Source, They Had To Live DEPENDENT Upon Him.

“And the LORD God commanded the man, ‘You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; 17 but
you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will
surely die.’” Genesis 2:16-17

For Adam and Eve to experience God as their Source, they had to walk in moment-by-
moment dependence upon God. Dependence as we see in Genesis 2:16, 17 was a matter of
spiritual life or death for them. Equally important is this key truth:

God created man as a DEPENDENT creature.

Man was never designed to live INDEPENDENTLY of God.

# 4 - The OVERFLOW Of Adam and Eve’s Dependence On God

“His unchanging plan has always been to adopt us into His own family by bringing us to
Himself through Jesus Christ. And this gave Him great pleasure.” Ephesians 1:5
Most importantly, since Adam and Eve were created for intimate relationship with God, they
enjoyed perfect intimacy with God. God’s good pleasure in Ephesians 1:5 as it pertained to
Adam and Eve was that He was enjoying pouring out His unconditional love upon Adam and
Eve. They experienced the fullness of His love, and they were loving God in return.
The overflow from living from God’s design was perfect intimacy between Adam and Eve,
perfect harmony within Adam and Eve, and perfect oneness with each other and with God.

To Summarize:

Adam and Eve were experiencing God’s design for marriage in that they were:

• Indwelt by God and were living FROM His life and power within them.
• They lived from God as their SOURCE for their marriage and their life.
• They lived in total DEPENDENCE upon God.
• They got their physical, emotional and spiritual needs MET by God.
• They experienced PERFECT harmony, intimacy, and oneness in their marriage.

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The next diagram illustrates Adam’s and Eve’s condition before the Fall:

Adam and Eve’s Condition

BEFORE The Fall

GOD
Man’s Source

Harmony
Intimacy
Oneness
Adam Eve
God’s Life God’s Life

The OVERFLOW of Adam’s and Eve’s intimate and dependent

relationship with God was perfect HARMONY, INTIMACY, and ONENESS.

Question: Looking at your marriage for a moment, how does it differ from what Adam and Eve
were experiencing? How do you think it might impact your marriage if you were living
dependently upon God, and He was your Source to meet your physical, spiritual, and emotional
needs?

DAY FOUR

What Was The Fallout After The FALL?

God’s desire was that Adam and Eve would continue an intimacy with Him and have
abundant life within, in their marriage, and with God forever. However, God also built into man
free will. To have free will means that man was given the right to choose. In Adam’s and Eve’s

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 case, God gave man a choice that related to the trees in the Garden of Eden. The choice given by
God is in Genesis 2:16-17. Let’s look at the two trees and what they represent:
Tree of LIFE = DEPENDENCE = Perfect Intimacy With God, God’s
Design For Marriage, Abundant And Eternal Life
IFE “And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, ‘From any tree of the
garden you may eat freely…’” Genesis 2:16

LIFE We see from Genesis 2:16 that Adam and Eve could freely and
continuously eat from any tree of the garden. Each time they chose to eat
of these trees (represented by the tree of life), they exhibited an attitude of
dependence and obedience. The result of their ongoing decision of
dependence and obedience would be continued intimacy with God, continued
experience of God’s design for marriage, and abundant and eternal life.

The Tree of the Knowledge of GOOD and EVIL = INDEPENDENCE =

Spiritual Death, Loss of Intimacy with God, and Loss Of His Design
For Marriage

“but from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall
not eat, for in the day that you eat from it you shall surely die.”
Good Genesis 2:17
and Evil In Genesis 2:17 there was one forbidden tree - the Tree of the
Knowledge of Good and Evil from which Adam and Eve could
not eat. If Adam and Eve chose to eat from this tree, it would be
an independent and disobedient decision with the consequences
being spiritual death, loss of intimacy with God, and the loss of
experiencing God’s design for marriage. Their choice was either
to walk in dependence and to continue enjoying abundant life, or
they could choose independence and die spiritually.

For Adam and Eve To Continue Experiencing Intimate Relationship with

God, God’s Perfect Design For Marriage, and Abundant and Eternal Life, They
Had To Make A Moment-By-Moment CHOICE To
DEPEND Upon God As Their Source.

Adam and Eve Fell Because They Believed The LIE Over The TRUTH.
Before we look at Adam’s and Eve’s decision and the resulting consequences, it is critical
that we understand what was behind the choice that they made. The basis for their decision was
believing what I call “the lie.” This lie was Satan’s strategy to tempt Adam and Eve to choose
independence from God.

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“The LIE”

“For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened,
and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” Genesis 3:5

Since Adam and Eve were living dependently upon God,

Satan’s objective was to tempt them to make an independent
choice from God. That is when he came up with what I call “the
lie.” The lie is that if Adam and Eve would eat of the tree of the
knowledge of good and evil, they would become “like God.” If
you are “like God,” that means that you don’t be dependent upon
God. Therefore, I would summarize the lie as follows:

“THE LIE”
Man becoming his OWN god means that he can live INDEPENDENTLY
of God with the result that he NO longer has a NEED for God.

Question: What are some ways that you believe that man is tempted to “be like God” today?
How could some of those ways negatively impact the marriage relationship?
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________
Question: What do you think might be some of the negative effects in a husband-wife
relationship as a result of believing the second part of “the lie” that we can live independently of
God?
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

“The Truth”
“You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32

What is the truth concerning what Satan was saying to Adam and Eve? First of all, Adam and
Eve were already “like God” to the extent He wanted them to be. He says this in Genesis 1:26.

“So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he
created them.”

Part of the lie was that they could be their own god and live life independently of the one true
God. The truth is that there is only one God, and man was created to live dependently upon Him.
The following is a key truth to remember as you go through the rest of this study:

Life for man will NEVER work by man living INDEPENDENTLY of God.

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“The Line”
I want to introduce an analogy at this point in the study that hopefully will help you better
understand some of the concepts that we will be studying. I simply call it “The Line.” Above
“The Line” is the truth, and below “The Line” is the lie. Let’s insert the lie versus the truth
concerning Satan’s temptation in the Garden in the next diagram:

The Lie Versus The Truth

You were designed to live

DEPENDENT on the one
I AMtrue
YOURGod.
THE TRUTH
THE LIE

You can be your OWN

god and live life
INDEPENDENT of God.

Above “The Line” is the truth that man was created to be dependent upon God. However,
when Satan came along, the temptation was for Adam and Eve to become their own god. This is
the lie. We know the decision that Adam and Eve made when they believed Satan’s lies. We will
now explore the effects of their decision to choose independence from God.

What Were The CONSEQUENCES of Their Decision?

1. They died SPIRITUALLY.

“When the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and
that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was
desirable to make one wise, she took from its fruit and ate;
and she gave also to her husband with her, and he ate.”
Genesis 3:6

As a result of believing Satan’s lie, Adam and Eve

chose to sin against God by making an independent and
disobedient decision to eat of the Tree of the Knowledge of
Good and Evil. At that very moment, they died spiritually.
Let’s explore the meaning of spiritual death.

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 DAY FIVE

What Is Spiritual Death?

a. The Cause Of Spiritual Death

“Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, and in this
way death came to all men, because all sinned.” Romans 5:12

We see in Romans 5:12 that the cause of spiritual death is sin. It is important to understand in
this verse that Paul is not talking about the acts of sin. Rather, he is referring to sin as a force
and/or an attitude within man that produces a constant proneness toward evil. This force is the
root and origin of all acts of sin.

b. The Definition Of Spiritual Death

The key word in defining spiritual death is the word “separation.” In the original text the
word “separation” means to “sever” or “cut off.” Therefore, spiritual death is defined as being
severed or cut off from God. This separation was twofold:

• SEPARATION from the LIFE of God

“Being darkened in their understanding, separated from the life of God…”

Ephesians 4:18

At the moment when Adam and Eve chose independence from God, His life vacated their
human spirit with the result that the human spirit became dead to God but was now very much
alive to sin. Even though Adam and Eve would still be alive physically and soulically, they
would no longer possess God’s spiritual life within them.

• SEPARATION from God as the SOURCE

“But your iniquities have made a separation between you and your God, And your sins have
hidden His face from you, so that He does not hear.” Isaiah 59:2

As a result of Adam’s and Eve’s sin, God separated Himself from them with the result that He
would no longer be the provision and Source for meeting their every need.

Spiritual death is caused by SIN which results in a

SEPARATION from God’s Life and a
SEPARATION from God as the Source.

2. As a result of their SEPARATION from God:

• God was no longer their SOURCE to meet their needs.

• They lost the PERFECT harmony, intimacy, and oneness that they were
experiencing.
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 • It was now up to THEMSELVES to resolve the conflicts that they would now be
experiencing.
• It was up to them in their OWN efforts to produce a successful marriage.

The following diagram reveals Adam and Eve’s condition after the Fall:

Adam and Eve s Condition AFTER The Fall

GOD
His Life
His Power

SIN = SEPARATION

Adam Eve
Spiritually dead Spiritually dead
Self as the Self as the
source source

What Does All Of This Mean For You and Your Marriage?
1. When you were born physically, you were spiritually dead.
2. You were separated from God as your Source.
3. Before being saved, your only option was to be the source to live life.
4. In other words, it was up to you:
a. To make life work.
b. To meet your own needs.
c. To become a success.
d. To resolve all internal and external conflicts.

You may be saying at this point, “But Bill, my wife and I are saved. What does this have to
do with us and our marriage today?” We will focus on the answer to that question in the next
lesson.

Let me end this lesson with the following questions. Even though you are saved:

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1. Are you trying to make life work in your own strength and ability?
2. Are you looking to get your needs met from each other or elsewhere?
3. Is there some ongoing conflict in your marriage that you can’t resolve no matter what you
have tried?
4. Is there something you want changed about you or your spouse but nothing has changed?

Summary

The focus of this first lesson was to share:

• God’s design for marriage.

• What happened when Adam and Eve made a sinful, independent decision.
• What the consequences of their decision were.
• Prior to salvation you and your spouse were left being the only source to live life.

In the next lesson we will see the adverse effects of the Fall of man on your marriage.

Question: In what ways did the truths in this chapter shed new light on what you believe about
marriage?
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

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 Lesson Two

What Is The Foundation For Living A

Christ-Centered Marriage?

DAY ONE

Introduction

In the last lesson we saw how Adam and Eve enjoyed a Christ-centered marriage until they
ate of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and fell spiritually. Their sin had separated
them from God Himself and His life and power which meant that they were separated from God
as their Source. At that point it was up to them to try to make life work living independently of
God. In addition it was up to them to make their marriage work. The problem is that God’s
design from the beginning was for man to live in total dependence upon God as the Source for
life. How well do you think their marriage went after they were separated from God?

God knew that man could not live as He intended so let’s look at what God did to restore in
man what was lost after the Fall.

What Did God Do To Restore What Was Lost In The Garden After The
Fall?
God knew that man would be eternally separated from Him because of man’s sin if He did
not provide a solution. In addition, because of God’s design to be man’s Source, God needed to
do something to restore Himself into man. To illustrate God’s solution, I am going to use an
analogy that I call the “two sides of the cross.” The first side of the cross is the SIN side, and the
second side of the cross is the LIFE side. Let’s begin by looking at the SIN side of the cross.

The SIN Side of the Cross - Christ Died For Our SINS To Give Us Eternal Life.

First, God had to deal with man’s sins. In order to eradicate man’s sins, Jesus was sent to the
cross to bear all of the sins of mankind with the result that by believing in Him man could have
eternal life.

“and He Himself bore our sins in His body on the cross, so that we might die to sin and live to
righteousness; for by His wounds you were healed.” 1 Peter 2:24

“He is so rich in kindness that he purchased our freedom through the blood of his Son, and our
sins are forgiven.” Ephesians 1:7 (NLT)

“He who believes in the Son has eternal life…” John 3:36a

Christ dying for our sins represents the SIN side of the cross.

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Note: If you are not sure that you have received Christ for salvation, you can do that right now.
You can simply say the following prayer in faith and receive forgiveness and salvation. “Dear
Lord, I recognize that I am a sinner in need of a Savior. As a result of You dying on the cross for
my sins, I receive You by faith to be my Savior. Amen.”

The LIFE Side Of The Cross - God Put Himself Into Man To Be Man’s
SOURCE For Living Life.
Even though Christ died for man so that man could be saved, the problem still remained that
man was still separated from God as his life and Source. What God did to resolve this separation
is what I call the LIFE side of the cross. Let’s explore the meaning of the LIFE side of the cross.

1. God Put The FULLNESS of HIMSELF Back Into Man.

The reason I said that God put the fullness of Himself back into man is that Adam and Eve
contained the fullness of God before the Fall. At the moment of salvation you not only received
Jesus as your Savior, but you also received the complete Godhead (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit).
We see this in Colossians 2:9, 10:
“
For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, and you have been given
fullness in Christ, who is the head over every power and authority.”

These verses are telling us that the fullness of the Godhead is in Christ and that Christ is now
IN you with the result that you have the fullness of God within you. You no longer have a God
Who is separated from you. You now have the complete Godhead IN you!

Why was it necessary for God to put the fullness of Himself into man?

Remember that in the Garden of Eden before the Fall, Adam and Eve had the fullness of God
in them so that He would be their SOURCE to meet their physical, emotional and spiritual needs.
That is the same reason that He put Himself in you. Your design is to live FROM God as your
Source. Look at three verses that point to God being your Source:

“He is the SOURCE of YOUR life in Christ Jesus,…” 1 Corinthians 1:30 (NRSV)

“In Him we live and move and have our being.” Acts 17:28

“For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things…..” Romans 11:36

These are just three of many verses in the Bible that reveal to us that God is to be our
Source for living the Christian life. You may be wondering what it means practically that God is
your Source. Let’s look at some examples from scripture that will give you a better
understanding of this truth.

God as your Source:

• Will give you revelation of His truth. 1 Corinthians 2:10

• Will renew your mind to believe His truth. Romans 12:2
20
• Will produce the fruit of the Spirit in you. Galatians 5:22, 23
• Will work all your failures, conflicts, and struggles for good. Romans 8:28

In your marriage God is your and your spouse’s Source:

• To produce the joy and fulfillment that you want in your marriage. 1 Peter 1:8
• To meet all your and your spouse’s God-given needs in Christ. Philippians 4:19
• To transform your fleshly behavior into godly behavior. 2 Corinthians 3:18
• To produce a marriage that is increasing in harmony, intimacy, and oneness.
Philippians 1:6
• To transform you and your spouse into Christ-likeness. 2 Corinthians 3:18

Question: Are you living from God as your Source to produce a Christ-centered marriage? If so,
are you experiencing what is listed above as a result?

The next diagram illustrates the fullness of God in man and God as the husband’s and wife’s
source:

God Put The FULLNESS Of Himself Into Man

To Be His SOURCE
HUSBAND WIFE

Father Father
Jesus Jesus
Holy Spirit Holy Spirit
SOURCE SOURCE

God as your SOURCE in your marriage means that ONLY God can
produce a CHRIST- CENTERED Marriage.

Meditate: on 1 Corinthians 1:30, Acts 17:28, and Romans 11:36.

Engaging God: If you are not truly living from God as your Source, ask Him to reveal to you
what it means and how He is to be your Source.

21
 DAY TWO

2. You Now Have The Fullness Of God’s LIFE and POWER IN You.
a. Christ’s LIFE

In order for God to once again be man’s Source, He had to put His life back inside man. We
know that the life He put within us is eternal life and that life is in Christ according to the first
part of 1 John 5:12:

“God has given us eternal life, and this life is in His Son. He who has the Son has the life….”
1 John 5:12a

Why was it necessary for Christ to put His LIFE in you?

I would like to begin answering this question by quoting the words of Jesus and Paul.

Jesus says:

“…I AM the way, the truth, and THE LIFE…”

John 14:6

“…I AM the resurrection and THE LIFE.”

John 11:25

Paul says:

“..Christ who is YOUR life...” Colossians 3:4

What are Jesus and Paul saying in these passages? Jesus is saying that He Himself is THE
LIFE. Paul makes it more personal when he says that Christ is YOUR life. I trust that you know
that you have eternal life in Christ. However, Jesus is talking about more than eternal life. He
and Paul are saying that He is your life today, in this very moment. What does it mean that
Christ is THE LIFE?

Christ As Your (THE) Life

means that you have available to you supernatural, Christ-like
CHARACTERISTICS that can ONLY be supplied by Christ.

To give you examples of Christ-like characteristics, let’s look at the following verses:

22
 “But the fruit of the Spirit is (Christ’s) love, joy, peace, patience,
kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, and self-
control….” Galatians 5:22, 23a (Parenthesis mine)

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe

yourselves with (Christ’s) compassion, kindness, humility,
gentleness, and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive
whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive
as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these virtues put on
(Christ’s) love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”
Colossians 3:12-14 (Parentheses mine)

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might.” Ephesians 6:10

The fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22, 23, what we are to clothe ourselves with in
Colossians 3:12-14 (i.e., compassion, kindness, humility, etc.), and to be strong in Christ as
Ephesians 6:10 states are all examples of Christ-life characteristics. The following is an
expanded list of what is available to you with Christ as your life:

These are the Christ-like characteristics that are available to you in Christ:

Unconditional love Victory Worth Acceptance Faith

Freedom Patience Strength Peace Power
Forgiveness Understanding Security Fearlessness Wisdom
Discernment Adequacy Humility Confidence Boldness
Righteousness Selflessness Rest Compassion Courage
Hope Gentleness Control Faithfulness Joy

Example: Christ as your life means that Christ IS your forgiveness, your security, your
unconditional love, etc.

Question: If you have the fullness of Christ in you, how much of each of these characteristics do
you contain? If Christ is your life and He is in you, do you need to try to produce any of these
characteristics by your own efforts?

Exercise: Look at the list and write down two or three of the characteristics that you would like
to experience more of in your marriage.
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

Engaging God: Begin asking God to give you greater revelation and application of Christ being
your life.

Since you are the container of ALL of Christ’s LIFE, what is preventing you from
DRAWING ON these Christ-like characteristics in your marriage?

DAY THREE
23
b. God’s POWER

In addition to Christ’s life, you received all of God’s power in you at the point of salvation.

“you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you….” Acts 1:8

“But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing

greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves.”
2 Corinthians 4:7

What kind of power is God’s power?

What kind of power is God’s power? To get a better sense of God’s power
in you, look at Ephesians 1:19, 20:

“I pray that you will begin to understand the incredible greatness of His
power for us who believe him. This is the same mighty power that raised
Christ from the dead and seated him in the place of honor at God’s right hand in the heavenly
realms.”

Think of it!
The SAME power that RESURRECTED Jesus from the dead is IN YOU!

God’s power in you is the same power that:

• Created the heavens and the earth.

• Opened the Red Sea.
• Is holding the universe together.

Why was it necessary for God to put His power in us? Let me answer this question with a
series of questions:

1. Can your own willpower consistently overpower the flesh and the power of sin within
you?
2. Is your willpower a match for Satan’s power?
3. Can your willpower set you or your spouse free from a defeating sin pattern?
4. Can you transform your or your spouse’s fleshly behavior into godly behavior?
5. Can you produce God’s design and desire for your marriage?

Is it possible that God put His POWER in you to

do what you CANNOT do for yourself or your spouse?

24
 God Put His LIFE and POWER In Man

HUSBAND WIFE

GOD’S GOD’S
LIFE LIFE
POWER POWER

Questions: What is it that you are trying to do in your own willpower to change you, your
spouse, and your marriage? How is it working?

Engaging God: Begin to seek God, in His power, to accomplish those things that are in the list
of questions before the diagram above.

The next diagram illustrates the LIFE side of the cross:

God put the FULLNESS of Himself

in you. Colossians 2:9, 10

God put His LIFE & POWER in you.

Christ died for the Colossians 3:4; Ephesians 1: 19, 20
forgiveness of your sin.
Ephesians 1:7 God is now the SOURCE
FROM whom you are to live life
and produce a Christ-centered
marriage. 1 Corinthians 1:30

25
 DAY FOUR

One More Reason That Christ Put His Life In You

Jesus says that He is THE LIFE for another reason. Paul tells us this reason in the first part of
Galatians 2:20:

“I am crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ (THE LIFE) lives IN
me…” (Parenthesis mine)

Think about what Paul is saying in this verse. When Paul says that “I no longer live,” he in
effect is saying that he CANNOT be the source for living life which includes living the Christian
life. He is saying that he is depending upon Christ, THE LIFE, to live His life in Paul. This is
amazing considering all of Paul’s credentials, intellect, and ability. However, he clearly
acknowledges that none of those things qualifies him to be the source. What Paul is admitting is
this:

He NEEDS Christ as his Source to live life.

The truth is that the only way life will truly work is for us to depend on Christ to live His life
in us. In this next section, I will give you some examples of what it means for Christ to live His
life in you as it relates to God’s promises.

Questions: Have you realized before now that the Christian life is about Christ living His life in
you? If not, how might it change how that you are living your Christian life?
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

Meditate: on the first part of Galatians 2:20 above. Go through this verse and think about the
depth of what Paul is saying and the impact that this verse should have in your life and marriage.

Engaging God: Ask God to give you further revelation of what He means when He says that He
wants to live His life in you.

The Key To Living The Christian Life:

To live the Christian life means to live FROM Christ
as your Source to live HIS life in you.

What God Promises To Do As He Lives His Life In You

You may be asking, “What does it look like for God to live His life IN me?” I want to share
with you a few of God’s promises to give a clearer understanding of this.

26
As God lives His life in you, He promises:

VICTORY - He will be your victory over the power of sin, the flesh, the world, and the
power of Satan.

“but thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.”
1 Corinthians 15:57

FREEDOM - He will set you free from defeating sin patterns and ongoing inner struggles.

“So Christ has really set us free. Now make sure that you stay free, and don’t get tied up again
in slavery to the law.” Galatians 5:1

HEALING - He will heal you of your past and present woundedness.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3

SUPPLY - God will supply all your needs.

“My God shall supply all your needs…..in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:19

INTIMACY - He will draw you into a personal, intimate relationship with Himself.

“His unchanging plan has always been to adopt us into His own family by bringing us to
Himself through Jesus Christ. And this gave Him great pleasure.” Ephesians 1:5

God living His life in you results in you EXPERIENCING His promises!

Question: Are the promises in the preceeding scriptures an experiential reality in your life? Are
you experiencing the promised freedom, victory, healing, transformation, and intimacy with God
that you and your spouse desire? If not, do you desire them?
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

Meditate: on God’s promises. Think about which of the promises that you most want to
experience for yourself and your spouse.

Engaging God: If you are not experiencing these promises to the extent that you would like, ask
God to begin making these promises an experiential reality in your life.

DAY FIVE

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The Ultimate Goal Of God Living In You and Your Spouse

The ultimate goal of God living in you and your spouse is to fulfill your spiritual destiny. We
see our spiritual destiny in the following two verses:
“For those God foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son.”
Romans 8:29

“And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into His
likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.”
2 Corinthians 3:18

What do these two verses mean concerning your spiritual destiny?

Your and Your Spouse’s Spiritual Destiny:

To be transformed into the LIKENESS of CHRIST which means that you will
progressively think, feel, believe, choose, and behave LIKE Christ.

I don’t know if you have given much thought to your spiritual destiny. This is God’s overall
desire and design for your life. Can you imagine the impact on your life personally and on your
marriage if you are both thinking, believing, choosing, and behaving like Christ? God knows the
impact of this eternally more than we do. That is why His focus is to transform your life and
your marriage to fulfill that destiny. We see this in Romans 12:2:
“do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed…”

Every one of us wants to be changed in areas of our personal life as well as in our married
life. God is the Source to produce this transformation. We will see in a future lesson God’s
process of transforming our lives and our marriages.

Meditate: on the scriptures above concerning your spiritual destiny.

Question: In what ways do you think it would change your marriage if you were thinking,
feeling, choosing, believing, and behaving like Christ?
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________

Engaging God: Begin seeking God to give you further revelation of what it means to be
transformed into the likeness of Christ.

Christ Living His Life In Us Will Produce A CHRIST-CENTERED

Marriage.
“I have come that you might have life and have it ABUNDANTLY.” John 10:10b

28
 As you live from the fullness of God and His life and power, He will produce in you and your
spouse a Christ-centered marriage. If you were experiencing a Christ-centered marriage, would
you say that is part of the abundant life that Jesus promises? Having lived a Christian marriage
and who are now experiencing more of a Christ-centered marriage, Paige and I would agree that
we are experiencing greater and greater abundance in our marriage.

Part of the ABUNDANT life that Christ promises is experiencing

a CHRIST-CENTERED marriage.

To sum up what we have discussed using “The Line” analogy, look at the truth above “The
Line” versus the lie below “The Line” in the next diagram:

The Lie Versus The Truth About Living Life

Christ is Source for living life.
Christ lives His life in you and your spouse.
Results: Victory, Freedom, Healing,
Transformation, Christ-centered marriage.
I AM YOUR

THE TRUTH
THE LIE
You or your spouse trying to be the source to live
life and produce a Christ-centered marriage.
Results: Coping, frustration, conflict, no
transformation, self-centered marriage.

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 Lesson Three

The Source of Marital Conflict

DAY ONE

Introduction
If you are reading this, I trust that you have accepted Christ as your Savior. If so, the good news
is that you are saved. Even though you are saved, how are the effects of the Fall of Adam and
Eve negatively impacting your marriage?

We will be looking at six areas of conflict in marriages:

• Unmet God-given needs

• Fleshly rights
• Unmet expectations
• Unforgiveness/Unrepentance
• Not knowing your or your spouse’s true identities

What Is The SOURCE Of All Marital Conflict?

When I came into the marriage relationship, I did not realize at the time that marriage would
not be all about ME. I also quickly discovered that Paige was not all about me. She came into
marriage also thinking about herself. In other words, I came into marriage as the “lord” of my
ring, and she came into marriage as the “lord” of her ring.

How We Came Into The Marriage Relationship

HUSBAND WIFE

It is all It  is  all  

about about  
ME! ME!

The Lord Of MY Ring

So, right from the beginning we both had what I call the “It’s all about me” syndrome.
30
 “It’s All About Me” Syndrome
is about getting MY needs met, my spouse fulfilling MY expectations,
and my spouse conforming to what I believe that marriage should be about.

The Bible has a name for this syndrome: The Flesh

“For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the wishing is present in me,
but the doing of the good is not.” Romans 7:18

SELF-FOCUS in life and in marriage is called

THE FLESH!

The biblical meaning of the word “flesh” is man’s desire to live life with himself as the
source, independently or apart from God as his Source. Prior to salvation, we learned that we had
no choice but to depend upon ourselves (our flesh) as the source for solving our problems,
dealing with life, and becoming a success.

We were living life out of our own resources (such as education, IQ, personality, looks,
talents, abilities, capabilities, self-discipline, and self-strength) apart from God as our Source.
As we did this, it reinforced our desire to BE the source for life.

(Note: It is worth noting at this point that God gave every one of us IQ, talents, abilities, etc.
However, God never intended for us to live from those talents and abilities independently of
Him.)

Even though you have trusted Christ for salvation, you still have the influence of your flesh on
your life and in your marriage. There is, and will always be until the day we die, the desire
within us to live independently of God.

Let’s look at some of the characteristics of the flesh and how they apply to marriage.

Characteristics of The Flesh

“For we know that the Law is spiritual; but I am of flesh, sold into bondage to sin.”
Romans 7:14

Living from the “flesh” in marriage is an independent attitude that says:

• I need to be in control of me and my spouse.

• I must get my needs met from my spouse.
• I can handle, fix, solve, or overcome all my marital problems, conflicts, etc.
• I can change me and my spouse.
• I can have a fulfilling marriage independent of God.

31
 Do any of these fleshly attitudes apply to you? The truth is that if you live from your flesh in
your marriage, all of these are true of you. It is the nature of the flesh to want to be in control, to
get needs met, to change our spouses, etc.

Let me ask you some questions:

Have you TRIED to:

• RESOLVE your ongoing marital conflicts using your own intellect and ability?
• CHANGE or FIX your spouse?
• CONTROL your spouse?
• MAKE your marriage a success.?

The reason I use the word “tried” is that in the flesh, independently of God, you can’t
accomplish any of these things.

Question: If you have tried or are trying to do any of these things in your marriage, how is it
working for you?

Engaging God: Seek the Holy Spirit to reveal to you some of your fleshly attitudes in your
marriage.

The Result of Living From Your Flesh: CONFLICT

“For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in
opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please.” Galatians 5:17

There is no getting away from the influence

of your flesh this side of heaven, and living from your flesh will
only produce conflict in your marriage. Living from the flesh is
the foundational problem of every problem in marriage. The
flesh can never produce change, increase intimacy and harmony,
or produce a fulfilling marriage.

Continuing to live from the flesh in marriage will only produce CONFLICT.

Question: When you look at your marriage, can you see how living from your flesh is
negatively impacting your marriage?

Engaging God: Begin seeking God to reveal to you how your flesh is robbing your
marriage of the intimacy, harmony, and fulfillment that you desire.

Now that you have a better understanding of the flesh and its impact, let’s look at some of
the roadblocks to a Christ-centered marriage.

32
 DAY TWO
Fleshly Roadblocks To A Christ-Centered Marriage
There are several roadblocks in marriage that flow from the flesh, but the ones that I most
often encounter in couples that I work with are the following:

• Unmet God-given needs

• Fleshly rights
• Unmet expectations
• Unforgiveness/Unrepentance
• Your fleshly behavior and identity

Fleshly Roadblock #1 - Unmet God-Given Needs

God has built into you and your spouse the following needs:

Unconditional Love
Unconditional Acceptance
Respect
Value/Worth
Security

The interesting thing about your needs is that God has “hard-wired” you in such a way that
those needs must be met. (Look at the list above again and see if any of those needs do not need
to be met.) Since those needs are a part of your internal “wiring,” you have no choice but to try
to get those needs met.

Remember that before the Fall, Adam and Eve were getting all of these needs met from God.
He Himself was the Source for meeting every one of their needs. Without God as your Source,
you are left trying to get your needs met somewhere else apart from God. One of the first places
that we go to try to get our needs met is from our spouse.

When we got married, I expected Paige to love me unconditionally. However, on the third
day of our honeymoon I got upset with her, and I saw her love turn into anger. I realized pretty
quickly that she could not meet my need for unconditional love.

The same goes for unconditional acceptance. We are all wired to be

accepted unconditionally. However, when we or our spouse offend one
another, the tendency is to reject rather than accept.

In addition to trying to get our needs met from our spouse, we also try
to get our needs met from other sources:

Unconditional Love – from parents, family, friends, another man or

woman
Unconditional Acceptance – from friends, fellow church members, co-
workers, another man or woman

33
Value\Worth – from your job, financial worth, what you do for others, ministry for the church
Respect – from your job, accomplishments, co-workers, boss, friends
Security – finances, retirement plans, job

I think that it is worthwhile to note at this point that most extra-marital affairs begin when a
need is not being met by a spouse. Since we must get those needs met, and if our spouse is not
meeting them, then we will be tempted to go out and try to get our needs met from someone else.

However, an affair is not necessarily with another person. Other “lovers” that we can go to
when our needs are not being met are pornography, drinking, eating, working, shopping, etc.

Question: Which needs are you trying to get met from your spouse? Are these needs truly being
met by your spouse? What are your “other lovers” if your needs are not being met by your
spouse?
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________

Engaging God: Ask God to reveal to you where you are trying to get your needs met.

What Is The LIE Concerning Unmet God-Given Needs?

I will use “The Line” analogy to illustrate the lie concerning unmet God-given needs:

God-Given Needs
I AM YOUR

THE LIE
Your God-given needs can be met
by your spouse or someone else or
something else.

Fleshly Roadblock #2 - Your Fleshly “Rights”

When we come into marriage, we all come with what I call fleshly “rights.” Let me first
define fleshly rights.

FLESHLY “RIGHTS”
In marriage, fleshly rights are self-centered, sinful DEMANDS toward our
spouse that are produced by our flesh.

34
The following are some examples of fleshly rights:

1. I have the right not to forgive.

2. I have the right to be respected.
3. I have the right to be unconditionally loved.
4. I have the right to be in control.
5. I have the right to be right.
6. I have the right to have it my way.
7. I have the right to be unconditionally accepted.
8. I have the right to fix or to change you.
9. I have the right to be happy.

The flesh is very demanding. It wants what it wants when it wants it. As a result, living from
the flesh in marriage will produce fleshly “rights.” When the demands of the fleshly rights are
not met, fleshly behavior is the result. What does that look like? Let me give you a personal
example:

I was going to guest preach at a church in another town. It was the first opportunity that I had
to preach at this church, and I was looking forward to it because the pastor was a good friend. I
was also looking forward to taking Paige with me.
However, the day that we were supposed to leave, she was not feeling well. Instead of letting
her stay home, which she needed to do, I insisted that she go with me. My fleshly reasoning was
that I needed to have Paige be in attendance with me. That need turned into a fleshly “right” that
demanded that Paige go with me. Even though I did not demand her to go, I used guilt as a way
of manipulating her to go.
She ended up (under duress) going with me. Even though I had my fleshly “right” met, it
was a very long and quiet two hour drive. I realized during those two hours the misery of getting
my way.

Getting our fleshly rights met can be done overtly through such fleshly behaviors as anger,
guilt, or condemnation. However, we can also use subtle manipulation, control, and deceit to get
those rights met as well.
Question: What are some of the fleshly “rights” that you have concerning your marriage? What
are you experiencing in your marriage when you both insist on having your rights?
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________

Engaging God: Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal to you some of your fleshly “rights.”

How many fleshly “rights” do you think are JUSTIFIED if you are wanting to
experience a Christ-centered marriage?

35
What Is The LIE Concerning Fleshly “Rights” In Marriage?

Let’s use “The Line” analogy to illustrate the lie concerning fleshly rights in marriage:

Fleshly Rights
I AM YOUR

THE LIE
You have the RIGHT to have
fleshly rights and have them met
by your spouse.

Fleshly Roadblock #3 - Unmet Expectations/Desires

We all came into marriage with REALISTIC and UNREALISTIC expectations/desires about
marriage. How do we define an unrealistic expectation/desire as it pertains to marriage?

Unrealistic Expectations/Desires In Marriage are

any expectations/desires that we have of our spouse to meet or to fulfill that
they CANNOT nor were NEVER intended by God to fulfill.

Let’s look at some examples of unrealistic expectations/desires that husbands and wives
might have about each other:

My spouse:
• Will make me happy.
• Will respect me regardless of what I do.
• Will love me unconditionally.
• Will realize that I am always right.
• Will understand that I need to be in control.
• Will have sex whenever, wherever, and however I want it.

Other examples of marital expectations/desires:

For me to be happy, my spouse must help me with the yard work, play golf with me, or let me
buy what I want to buy.

36
For me to feel accepted, my spouse must always be affirming, give in when there is an
argument, and not reject me.

For me to feel respected by my spouse, my spouse must always defer to my judgment

concerning finances or realize that my way is the best way to discipline the children.

Please complete the following sentences:

• I feel accepted when my spouse__________________________________________.

• I feel loved when my spouse ____________________________________________.
• I feel respected when my spouse _________________________________________.

We all have expectations/desires about everything and everyone in life. We expect to have a
good job, a good spouse, good kids, etc. The list of expectations is endless. The question is, “Are
your expectations/desires realistic or unrealistic?” If they are unrealistic expectations and they
are not met, then fleshly behavior is the most likely outcome.

For example, a husband that I ministered to had the

expectation that he had to be in (total) control of the finances. He
wanted to control every area of their finances including his
wife’s spending. When his wife did not agree with him
controlling the spending, he became domineering, critical, and
eventually very resentful toward her. You can only imagine how
she felt.

What about REALISTIC expectations/desires in marriage?

There are also realistic expectations/desires in marriage. Let me give you an example. There
was a couple that I was ministering to, and the wife shared with me some very realistic
expectations that she had of her husband.

She shared that she desired for her husband to love her and to treat
her with respect, and to provide companionship, conversation, and
share openly with her. These are very legitimate desires/expectations.
The problem came when her husband did not meet those desires.

Her desires were unmet, and she resorted to fleshly behaviors such
as anger, self-doubt, and escape. So, even if you have realistic
expectations/desires, the flesh can manifest itself when those expectations/desires are not met.

Questions: What are some of the realistic or unrealistic expectations/desires that you have about
your marriage? What kind of fleshly behaviors are generated when these expectations are not
met?
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________

Engaging God: If you are having trouble determining what your unrealistic expectations are,
ask the Lord to reveal those to you.

37
 UNMET realistic and unrealistic expectations/desires can result in ONGOING
discord and conflict in your marriage.

The LIE Concerning Unmet Expectations/Desires

Unmet Expectations/Desires
I AM YOUR

THE LIE
Your spouse should meet your
expectations/desires whether they
are realistic or unrealistic.

DAY THREE
Roadblock #4 - Unforgiveness and Unrepentance
Another major roadblock that I see in many married couples is an attitude of unforgiveness
and unrepentance. Let’s explore these two attitudes further:

UNFORGIVENESS

Usually this process starts with an expectation. When that expectation is blocked or not met,
an offense occurs. From that offense a debt is incurred. In other words, your attitude toward the
person who offended you is, “You now owe me something.” This is the beginning of
unforgiveness. Mix this attitude with your fleshly “right” not to forgive, and an attitude of
unforgiveness sets in.

1. Reasons Why We Do Not Forgive

The following are some reasons why we don’t forgive:

• Pride - forgiving someone makes me look weak.
• If I were to forgive, I might lose control.
• Revenge - the person has to pay for it. They need to be punished and learn a lesson.
• Forgiveness seems too easy and unfair. It seems like I'm overlooking or condoning their
sin.
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 • I don't "feel" like forgiving.

Questions: Are you holding any offenses against your spouse? If so, do any of the reasons given
above apply to you?

2. What Are Some of the Results of Unforgiveness?

Let’s look at some of the results of unforgiveness:

1. Inner turmoil or struggle

2. You continue to take an inventory of offenses against your spouse.
3. Emotionally it can cause stress, anxiety, and even depression.
4. It allows Satan to gain a foothold and eventually a stronghold in your life.
5. It eventually poisons all your relationships as your unresolved anger creates a critical
and cynical spirit within you.
6. It leads to bitterness.

Question: Are you experiencing any of the above due to your unforgiveness?

3. Ultimately, Unforgiveness Imprisons Us.

When we have an attitude of unforgiveness with anyone, we have

placed ourselves in our own prison. Through unforgiveness we are
now being controlled by the person that we have not forgiven.
Unforgiveness obscures the presence of Christ’s life in you, and it
keeps you in bondage. You might keep this in mind when you are
tempted not to forgive. Just imagine the person that you have not
forgiven shackled to your leg. You are dragging this person’s body
around with you everywhere you go.

Meditate: on the paragraph above.

Engaging God: Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal to you if you have any unforgiveness in your heart
or if you are holding onto any offenses against your spouse.

UNFORGIVENESS creates a PRISON for the spouse that has not forgiven, and
it builds WALLS between a husband and wife.

UNREPENTANCE

Unrepentance is just the reverse of forgiveness. In the case of unrepentance, you are the
offender. You are the one who has committed an offense against your spouse. Once you have
committed the offense, you have a choice to repent or not.

The main reason that spouses do not repent to one another is the same reason that they do not
repent of their sin toward God. It is pride. Even though they have sinned against God and have
39
wronged another person, their pride won’t let them repent. They hang on to their fleshly “right”
not to repent.

Think about this: Why is it easier to repent toward God than to repent toward your spouse?

Engaging God: Ask the Lord to reveal areas in your marriage where you have not repented of
an offense against your spouse.

What do you believe will be the IMPACT on your marriage if you continue living
with an attitude of UNFORGIVENESS and/or UNREPENTANCE?

The LIE Concerning Unforgiveness and Unrepentance

Unforgiveness and Unrepentance

I AM YOUR

THE LIE
You have the right NOT to
forgive or repent of the offenses
you have given or received from
your spouse.

Fleshly Roadblock #5 - You (Negatively) Evaluate Your Spouse Based

On Their Fleshly Behavior
I save this roadblock for last because this is a major roadblock to
any marriage. The reason is that when couples talk about the problems
that they are having with one another, they come to (negative)
conclusions about their spouse based upon their fleshly behaviors.

For example, they may say things such as, “My spouse is a
controlling person” or “My spouse is an angry person.” The problem is
that if you don’t know your spouse’s true identity in Christ, you might
conclude that your spouse’s fleshly behavior will determine (in a
negative way) who they really are. If both spouses are focusing on each
other’s flesh and not on their true identity, it will result in ongoing
conflict.

40
 This may be a new concept because you haven’t been taught about your true identity in
Christ. We will discuss this truth in the next lesson. There is a more complete study on identity
in the Appendix.

Question: What are some of the negative conclusions that you come to about your spouse based
upon their fleshly behavior? (Example: My spouse is a controlling, demanding, passive, fearful,
or selfish person.)

My spouse is a________________________________________________________person.

Question: How does it make you feel about your spouse when he/she exhibits these fleshly
behaviors?
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________

The LIE Concerning Behavior and Identity

Identity and Behavior

I AM YOUR

THE LIE
Who your spouse really is (their
identity), is based on his or her’s
BEHAVIOR.

What Can These Fleshly Roadblocks Produce In Your Marriage?

1. FLESHLY BEHAVIORS

“Now the works of the flesh are obvious: fornication, impurity, licentiousness, idolatry,
sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, anger, quarrels, dissensions, factions, envy, drunkenness,
carousing, and things like these...” Galatians 5:19-21a

The “works of the flesh” in Galatians 5:19-21a are flesh patterns or fleshly behaviors that
flow from living from the flesh and fleshly roadblocks. The flesh can produce nothing spiritual.
All it can produce is more flesh. Flesh patterns come in two forms: positive flesh and negative
flesh.

Examples of negative flesh: anger, controlling, frustration, bitterness, unforgiveness, envy,

jealousy, manipulation.

41
Examples of positive flesh: self-confidence, self-reliance, self-sufficiency, self-righteousness,
self-depreciating.

Most Christians understand negative flesh because it is easy to spot. However, the positive
flesh looks so good that we sometimes struggle with seeing it as flesh. When you look at the
above examples of positive flesh, what is the key word? It is SELF! Any character trait that
brings us back to self is the flesh.

When you live from the flesh, when your needs and expectations are not met, when you
demand your fleshly rights, and when you don’t forgive or repent, the result will be fleshly
behaviors such as anger, controlling, frustration, and rejection. Fleshly behaviors will block the
flow of Christ’s love, grace, respect, and acceptance to name a few. If a couple continues to live
from their flesh:

• They will never experience a Christ-centered

marriage.

• They will never experience God’s design of

harmony, intimacy, and oneness in their marriage.

• They will never experience the fulfillment and joy

that God promises for their marriage.

Exercise: Look at pages 48 and 49 and write down five fleshly behaviors that are most
applicable to you in your marriage.
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
Question: How are your fleshly behaviors negatively impacting your marriage?
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________

If your needs and expectations are NOT met, and you DEMAND your
fleshly rights and LIVE in unforgiveness and unrepentance,
FLESHLY BEHAVIORS will be the result.

DAY FOUR
2. LIVING IN THE “REJECTION CYCLE”

When you are living from your flesh, and your needs and expectations are not met, you
conclude (in your flesh) that you have the “right” to reject your spouse in some way. Rejection
can come in many forms such as anger, being critical, being demanding, or withholding sexual
intimacy.

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 When your spouse receives your rejection, and their needs and expectations are not met as a
result, they (in their flesh) believe that they then have the right to reject you back. This creates
what I call the “rejection cycle.” I have illustrated the “rejection cycle” below:

The Rejection Cycle

Spouse #1:
Needs Has the
and expectations FLESH right to
are not met. reject

Spouse #2:
Has the right Needs and
FLESH
to reject expectations
back are not met.

Unforgiveness and unrepentance almost always trigger the fleshly “right” of rejection and
create the rejection cycle. The rejection cycle can be overt, or it can be very subtle.

Many couples don’t call it rejection. They like to sugar-coat it by saying, “I am frustrated” or
“I don’t understand why he/she does what they do.” The truth is that as long as you try to deal
with your unmet expectations, needs, and unforgiveness/unrepentance in the flesh, it will
inevitably result in the rejection cycle.

What do you believe will be the RESULT in your marriage if you

CONTINUE in the rejection cycle?

3. BELIEF THAT YOUR SPOUSE IS THE PROBLEM

“The man said, ‘The woman You put here with me, she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I
ate it.’” Genesis 3:12

When you look at all of the adverse effects that we have discussed, you could (and most
spouses in conflict do) conclude that the problem in your marriage is not you. Rather, the real
problem is your spouse. The blame game started with Adam right after the Fall, and it is still a
prevalent issue in marriages today.

43
 I have been told countless times that, “If I could just fix my spouse, I would then be happy.”
The problem is that I hear the same thing from the other spouse as well. Therefore, who really
needs to be fixed? The truth is that the flesh of both spouses is the real problem. Until that is
dealt with, no real change will take place.

Your spouse is NOT the ENEMY.

Question: Do you still believe that your spouse is the real reason that you do not have a
satisfying marriage?

4. COPING (Is your marriage really doing fine, or have you just learned how to
cope well?)

I mentioned early in this study that one of the characteristics of a Christian marriage as
opposed to a Christ-centered marriage is where a couple copes with one another. Let me remind
you of the definition of “coping.”

COPING

is behaviors that couples use to protect or to insulate themselves

from the negative effects of their spouse’s fleshly behaviors, unmet needs,
unforgiveness/unrepentance, and unresolved conflicts.

Coping can be a great deceiver in marriage because a couple can deceive themselves into
thinking that they have a Christ-centered marriage simply because they have learned how to cope
with each other’s flesh. Some couples, like us for the first ten years, learned how to cope very
well. However, simply coping in the marriage relationship will eventually create death in a
marriage because the fleshly behaviors are not being transformed. The key truth concerning
coping is this:

Simply learning how to cope in marriage will NEVER produce

TRANSFORMATION or a CHRIST-CENTERED marriage.
It can only produce MORE OF THE SAME.

Some examples of coping are trying to avoid conflict, trying to get the upper hand (i.e.,
controlling), or withdrawing when conflict arises. Giving in or being passive are two other
coping strategies that I often see in marriages. The truth is that the only reason non-Christians
stay married is that they learn how to cope with one another. Therefore, I also believe that
Christian couples can develop coping strategies that will see them through “till death do us part.”
However, is learning how to cope the way that you want to spend the rest of your married life.?

Question: Would you be willing to seek the Lord individually (or as a couple) and ask Him to
reveal to you whether or not you are simply coping in your marriage?

44
Engaging God: If so, ask the Holy Spirit to expose any areas where you are coping in your
marriage.

DAY FIVE
5. UNRESOLVED CONFLICT

“For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in
opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please.” Galatians 5:17

There is no getting away from the influence of your flesh

this side of heaven. The flesh is not going away, and living from
your flesh will only produce conflict in your marriage. I know that
this is not good news, but we will see in a future lesson how to
bring God’s power to bear to deal with your flesh.

The problem is that when coping does not resolve the conflict, the unresolved conflict can
eventually lead to:

• Distancing ourselves from one another.

• Self-protection or insulation from the other spouse.
• Emotional separation.
• Physical separation and divorce.

Moving to the place of physical separation or divorce usually

happens over time. It usually happens over a number of years of
living in unresolved conflict. Couples first try to cope with one
another’s fleshly behaviors. When that fails, they are locked into the
rejection cycle which produces further frustration, unforgiveness and
even bitterness. From there they move into creating emotional
distance between each other or develop ways of self-protection or
insulation from each other’s flesh. This will eventually lead to
emotional separation and can end with *physical separation and/or
divorce. The key truth to remember is:

Either a couple is moving toward CHRIST, or they learn how to COPE, or

they are moving toward DIVORCE.

*The problem with separation is that if nothing is truly resolved that caused the separation, then
the separation will be useless and divorce will usually result.

Question: Look at the next diagram. Can you identify yourself or your marriage in any of the
categories?

45
 COPING WELL

Distancing From One Another

Self-Protect or Insulate

Emotional Separation

Separation/Divorce

Engaging God: Seek God to reveal to you and your spouse if your marriage is in any of the
stages listed above.

If so, then what do you believe will be the CONSEQUENCES if

you CONTINUE down these paths?

The Lie Versus The Truth Concerning These Adverse Effects

Using “The Line” analogy, below “The Line” are the obstacles to a Christ-centered marriage
and the results of living from those obstacles:

46
 The Roadblocks and
The Results of The Roadblocks
I AM YOUR

THE LIE
The Flesh Fleshly behaviors
Unmet Needs Ongoing rejection
Fleshly Rights Spouse is the problem
Unrealistic Expectations Unresolved conflict
Unforgiveness/Unrepentance Coping
Lying Beliefs About Ourselves Separation/Divorce

Questions: From this lesson, what has the Lord revealed to you about the state of your
marriage? Did you discover that your marriage may be in some aspects below “The Line?”
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________

The Conclusion
I hope that this lesson has not been too discouraging. It is crucial to understand that if we
don’t know the lies that we are believing, then we can never be set free by the truth. Remember
this key truth:

If the TRUTH will set you FREE, then what will CONTINUING to live
from the LIE result in?

In the next lesson we will look at the truth concerning each of these lies. I think it is important
for you to answer the following question before we go on:

Do you want to continue living from these roadblocks and the

negative effects that these roadblocks are having on your marriage

or do you want to be set free?

47
 Fleshly Behavior and Coping Mechanisms
Be self-absorbed (self-consumed)
become overly introspective
feel sorry for myself (self-pity)
get depressed
beat up on myself
play the role of victim/martyr
focus on my suffering to get
attention and sympathy
be jealous of another's success
and happiness
Withdraw (isolate myself)
be aloof (pull away)
distance myself from others
avoid others (be a loner)
go into a shell
become unapproachable
give them the silent treatment
refuse to communicate
Escape (pain/pressure) by using:
promiscuity carousing
drugs and alcohol talking
staying busy school
hobbies/games reading
computers fantasy
television movies
pornography sleep
overeating religion
work/career sex
Be anxious (worry and fret)
be fearful (apprehensive)
lack peace and rest
become paralyzed (numb)
be paranoid (overly suspicious)
refuse to see the positive
(gloom and doom thinking)
assume the worst
Seek guidance from:
astrology/horoscopes,
fortune telling and/or
the occult
Be self-disciplined (self-reliant)
base acceptance of self and
others on performance
become a perfectionist
try hard so as not to fail
fear making mistakes
be legalistic:
live "by the book"
feel obligated (have to's,
should's, ought to's)
be too hard on myself/others
set unrealistic standards for
myself/others
Become obsessed with:
accomplishments
recognition/status
acquiring material things
what others think of me
how I look physically
my physical health
the past (especially past hurts
and failures)
a devotion to a cause
structure, order and regulations
Become dominant
be dictatorial (bossy)
be demanding (pushy)
be overbearing (controlling)
intimidate others
refuse to give in
Stay in control through:
blackmail (making threats)
manipulation (use of guilt, pity,
silence, flattery, etc.)
coercion (physical threats)
profanity (swearing)
passivity (playing helpless)
not eating (anorexia/bulimia)
Lack compassion, gentleness
understanding, kindness, love
become defensive
48
Be self-righteous (self-justifying)
make excuses (rationalize)
cover up and hide mistakes
have to prove my point
assume I am never the problem
blame someone or something
else as the problem
avoid taking responsibility for
failure or problems
have difficulty: apologizing,
admitting I was wrong,
asking for forgiveness,
asking for help, and/or
expressing gratitude
have a superior attitude
(saying in effect):
"I know what is best"
"My way is the right way"
Be critical (judgmental)
find fault with others, myself
and everything around me
nitpick things to death
be prejudiced (intolerant)
complain a lot (nothing is
ever good enough)
Be self-assured (self-confident)
depend on myself instead of
God or others
become proud (haughty)
be egocentric (act pompous)
brag (be boastful)
become arrogant (cocky)
become conceited (smug)
Come across as insensitive,
uncaring, unsympathetic,
indifferent or unconcerned
Be complacent (nonchalant)
say things like, "it's okay" or
"it doesn't matter"
 Fleshly Behavior and Fleshly Coping Mechanisms (Cont.)
Be pessimistic (negative)
lack confidence and optimism
be skeptical (suspicious)
distrust others, myself, God,
church and/or government
expect the worst
never be pleased with self
or others
never be satisfied or content
Become hostile
be unfriendly
be sarcastic (caustic)
be cynical (contemptuous)
be hateful (mean-spirited)
be cruel (malicious)
have a quick temper
rant and rave to vent my anger
be physically abusive
be verbally abusive
break things
Hold a grudge (be resentful)
become moody (sulk)
harbor bitterness
be unforgiving
keep a scorecard of offenses
try to get even (seek revenge)
want others to fail or get hurt
punish myself or others
Fight unfair (take cheap shots)
be slanderous
misrepresent the situation
gossip (talk behind their back)
engage in passive-aggressive
behavior: use humor to hide
real feelings, forget things,
refuse to communicate, be
late, procrastinate, etc.)
Be self-depreciating
assume I am always the problem
become overly apologetic
be too hard on myself
be uncomfortable with success
or happiness
have difficulty receiving: love,
compliments, forgiveness
be unable to forgive myself
Challenge others
resist authority
be uncooperative (inflexible)
be unteachable (close-minded)
cause dissention (strife)
be irritating (aggravate others)
be argumentative
be stubborn (unyielding)
be unreasonable
Deny reality
ignore problems and hope they
will go away
deny anything is bad or wrong
be subjective instead of objective
deceive others and myself
lie to self and others
exaggerate (overstate matters)
play games to hide real intent
Put up a front
hide what I really think and feel
pretend to be something I'm not
put on a show to impress others
and/or get attention
fake it (act like I know something
even when I don't)
be pretentious (phony, unreal)
be superficial (never let anyone
get to close)
Be passive (lack initiative)
quit too easily (give up)
don't take chances (play it safe)
wait for someone to tell me how
to think and what to do
vacillate (be too changeable)
be indecisive (let others make
decisions for me)
avoid failure at all costs
procrastinate (put things off)
be irresponsible (unreliable)
be lazy (apathetic, lethargic)
Be tense ("on guard")
find it hard to relax
be restless (feel like I have to be
doing something)
become impatient
be easily agitated
49
Become emotionally insulated
avoid intimacy
have difficulty expressing
feelings and opinions
suppress (stuff) emotions
be inhibited (restrained)
Live by my feelings
believe that truth is what I feel
be too sensitive to criticism
take things too personally
(be hypersensitive)
be touchy (irritable)
be controlled by fear, anger,
doubts and insecurities
automatically read in rejection
(think "it's about me")
Be a pleaser (be nice)
try to keep everyone happy
avoid conflict/keep the peace
say what I think others want
be overly compliant
submissive
have difficulty saying "no" and
setting boundaries
can't stand up for myself
afraid to disappoint others
give in to others too easily
Be a caretaker (rescuer)
be overprotective
be overly responsible
become too involved with
other's affairs/concerns
be possessive (too invested)
talk too much and listen poorly
make decisions for others
give unsolicited advice
Be too serious (intense)
be overly analytical
become stoical (unemotional)
not be able to have fun
be formal and businesslike
lack joy or life
 Lesson Four

What Is The Truth?

DAY ONE
Introduction
I realize that the previous lesson can be interpreted as a negative one. However, for us to move
forward in experiencing God’s promise of a Christ-centered marriage, we need to have these
obstacles and the lies associated with them exposed so that we can apply God’s truth to them in
order to be set free. That is the promise in John 8:32:
“You will know the truth, and the truth will set you FREE.”
In this lesson we will apply God’s truth to the obstacles that we discussed in the previous lesson.

#1 - Living From The Flesh Versus the Spirit

We discussed the characteristics of the flesh in the last lesson. We discovered that the main
reason why living from the flesh will never produce a Christ-centered marriage is:

Living independently of God in the FLESH is living CONTRARY to

God’s design for man to be DEPENDENT upon Him.

We discussed that the outflow of living from the flesh is fleshly behavior. If you continue to
live from the flesh, it will create what Paul calls in Romans 8:6 “death.” Look at Romans
8:6,7a below:

“For the mind set on the flesh is DEATH, but the mind set on the Spirit is LIFE and peace,
because the mind set on the flesh is hostile toward God…”

What kind of death is referred to here? It is not spiritual death

because we know that as a result of trusting Christ for salvation, we
have eternal life in Christ and can never die again. The death referred
to in Romans 8:6 is defined in Strong’s Lexicon as “the misery of the
soul as a result of sin.” In other words, if you and/or your spouse
continue to live from your flesh, the inevitable result will be internal
misery.

What are some examples of internal misery?

Condemnation Stress Rejection Unforgiveness

Anger Self-sufficiency Bitterness Guilt
Self-pity Inadequacy Fear Worry
Frustration Blame Unworthiness Insecurity

50
 When you and/or your spouse give in to your flesh, I call that going
to the “prodigal pigpen.” Remember the prodigal son who decided to
live independently and ended up in a pigpen? This is what happens to
us when we go to the flesh. We end up like the prodigal son
“wallowing” in the mud and muck of our flesh. Peter addresses this
truth in 2 Peter 2:22:

“Of them the proverbs are true: ‘A dog returns to its vomit’ and, ‘A
sow that is washed goes back to her wallowing in the mud.’”

The dog returning to its vomit or a pig returning to wallowing in the mud are great pictures of
what going back to the flesh is like. If this is the case, why do we keep going back to the flesh?
Here again, it is what we are used to. As sick as it sounds, we have learned to be at home and to
be comfortable with the misery of our flesh. This is another definition for “coping.” Does that
sound troublesome to you? I hope so.

What Is The Truth?

The truth is that God has offered us THE WAY out of living from the flesh. That WAY is
Christ. We know this from John 14:6:

“I am THE WAY, the truth, and the life.”

For Jesus to be THE WAY, you must depend upon Him.

The key word is DEPENDENCE. As we DEPEND upon Christ, He will be

THE WAY to set us free from our flesh.

There are two key points in understanding what it means that Christ is THE WAY:

1. In and of yourself you do NOT have power to overcome your flesh.

Let’s assume that you want to quit living from the flesh in your marriage. Even if you wanted
to set yourself free from your flesh, you are powerless to do that. You may have already tried
and failed. The truth is this:

When you walk DEPENDENTLY upon God, He releases His power in you to
OVERPOWER the flesh and to set you and your spouse FREE.

You, in your own strength and ability, cannot set yourself free from
your flesh. This is part of what Jesus meant when He said in John 15:5:

“apart from Me you can do NOTHING.”

Walking dependently upon the power of the Spirit will overpower

your desire to walk in the flesh. We see this in Galatians 5:16:
51
 “But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will NOT carry out the DESIRE of the flesh.”

The question that you may be asking I, “How do I do that?” I will answer that question in the
next lesson.

KEY TRUTH
APART from DEPENDING on the power of God working in your life,
you will STAY in the DEATH and BONDAGE that your fleshly behaviors create.

2. As you walk dependently upon Christ, you will live from His LIFE rather than living
from the death of your flesh.

We see in the first part of Romans 8:6 that walking in the flesh is death, but look at the
second half of this verse:

“the mind set on the Spirit is LIFE.”

What kind of life is Paul referring to? Remember our discussion of THE LIFE in Lesson Two?
That is what Paul is referring to in this verse. Christ is THE LIFE (John 14:6).

Remember that this means that you have available to you Christ’s:

Unconditional love Value/Worth Victory Harmony

Intimacy Oneness Acceptance Understanding
Freedom Patience Sacrifice Peace
Gentleness Forgiveness Security Christ-control
Righteousness Hope Courage Adequacy
Humility Christ-confidence Boldness Wisdom
Selflessness Compassion Rest Kindness
Therefore, as you choose to walk dependently upon God, you can
live from His love, peace, forgiveness, etc. In addition as you live
dependently upon God, He will produce these Christ-like
characteristics in you and in your marriage. We will look at the
practical application of this truth in the next lesson.

Therefore, let’s look at “The Line” analogy that illustrates the

difference between living from the flesh versus living from the Spirit:

52
 Living From The Spirit Versus Living From The Flesh

Living Overpowering
DEPENDENTLY the flesh
RESULTS
on God as your Developing Christ-like
Source characteristics
THE TRUTH – The Spirit
THE LIE – The Flesh
Fleshly behavior
Living From The Misery of the soul
RESULTS
FLESH Prodigal Pigpen
More Conflict

Therefore, you now have a choice to make.

Will you choose to CONTINUE walking in the flesh, or

will you choose to walk DEPENDENTLY upon God?

Meditate: on the two truths concerning Christ being THE WAY to overpower your flesh and to
produce Christ-likeness.

Meditate: on John 15:5 and ask yourself if you are trying in your own strength to overpower or
change your fleshly behavior. If so, ask yourself this question: “How is it working?”

Engaging God: Begin seeking God to move you to living above “The Line” by living
dependently upon Him.

DAY TWO

#2 - The Lie Versus The TRUTH About Fleshly “Rights”

Do you remember the fleshly “rights” that you realized that you may be experiencing from
the last lesson? Let me start by sharing this truth:

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 It is CRUCIAL to understand that as long as you and your spouse CHOOSE to
walk in the FLESH, you will DEMAND that your fleshly “rights” be met.

This does not necessarily mean that you will be overtly demanding your fleshly rights, but
your flesh has to be satisfied, and it won’t be until your fleshly “rights” are met. Please
remember this truth as you move forward through the rest of this lesson:

Trying to SATISFY the flesh will NEVER produce transformation or

a Christ-centered marriage. It will only bring DEATH to your marriage.

What Is The Truth?

What is the truth about your fleshly “rights?” Let’s begin answering that
question by reading what Paul says in Galatians 5:24:
“Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its
passions and desires.”
What Paul is telling us is that if our flesh is crucified then we are “dead” to
our flesh. If you are dead to your flesh, how many fleshly “rights” do you
have?

If you are DEAD to your flesh, then you have NO fleshly “rights.”

This does not mean that your flesh is dead. Your flesh is, and always will be, very much
alive. What it means is that when you are walking dependently upon God, you are not giving in
to your fleshly desires and behaviors.

NOT giving in to the flesh is the same thing as

walking in the death “TO” your flesh.

We will look at some practical applications in the next lesson to give you a better
understanding of what it means to walk in the death TO your fleshly “rights.” For now, it is
important to understand that you have NO fleshly “rights.”

Look at the next diagram which contrasts living from your fleshly “rights” below “The Line”
versus dying to your fleshly “rights” above “The Line.”

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 The Truth About Fleshly Rights
Reduces conflict
Dying To
Produces greater
Your Fleshly RESULTS
peace and
Rights
harmony
THE TRUTH
THE LIE

Continuing To More Rejection

Live From RESULTS
More Conflict
Fleshly Rights More Fleshly
Behavior

Question: Concerning the diagram above, do you want to live above or below “The Line?”

Meditate: on Galatians 5:24.

Engaging God: Ask the Spirit to give you greater revelation of what it means in your marriage
that you have “crucified” the flesh.

Your ONLY “right” is to DIE to your fleshly “rights.”

#3 - The Lie Versus The TRUTH About God-Given Needs

Remember the needs that God has wired us to get met:

Unconditional Love
Unconditional Acceptance
Respect
Value/Worth
Security

When we come into marriage, we tend to try to “take” or get our God-given needs met from
our spouse. When our spouse cannot meet those needs, we will either get frustrated and reject
our spouse and/or look to someone or something else to meet those needs. There is something
that you need to understand if you are tempted to commit adultery. The only reason that you are
seeking someone else is that you are under the illusion that another person will meet the needs
that your wife can’t. The truth is that you could have 100 affairs, and your needs will still never
be met.

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What Is The Truth?

The truth is that these God-given needs can ONLY be met in Christ.

We see this in Philippians 4:19:

“And my God will meet all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus.”

What this verse is telling us is that these God-given needs can only be met in Christ. “In
Christ” simply means that Christ is the ONLY ONE who can supply unconditional love,
unconditional acceptance, respect, value, worth, and security.

Therefore, if Christ is your NEED-MEETER, you NO longer have to try to

get your needs met from your SPOUSE.

Good news! You can let your spouse off the hook! The fulfillment of your needs will come
only from Christ Himself.

There are physical and sexual needs that we legitimately can look to our
spouses to meet. However, when it comes to God-given needs, we must seek
Christ to supply those needs. If you are truly getting your needs met in Christ,
then you no longer have to be a “taker.”

For example, if God is meeting your need for unconditional love, you no
longer have to try to “take” unconditional love from your spouse. Instead, you
can become a “giver” of unconditional love by trusting God to love your
spouse through you. Look at “The Line” analogy to see the difference between
the lie and the truth in the next diagram:

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 God-Given Needs

Only God Needs truly met

can meet RESULTS You become a
your needs Giver
I AM YOUR
THE TRUTH
THE LIE
Continue being a
Taker
Your Spouse Frustration, conflict,
Must Meet RESULTS rejection
Your Needs Getting your needs
met from something
or someone else

Question: Do you see yourself living above or below “The Line” when it comes to your God-
given needs being met?

Meditate: on this question, “How might it change my marriage if my needs are being met by
Christ, and I no longer have to try to get them met from my spouse or someone else?”

Engaging God: Begin seeking God to meet your God-given needs.

If your God-given needs are not met in Christ, they will NEVER be met.

We will look at how we seek Christ to meet our needs.

DAY THREE

#4 - The Lie Versus The TRUTH About Unmet Expectations

We previously discussed that we all have expectations coming into the marriage relationship.
Some of the expectations are realistic, and some are not. The problem occurs when realistic and
unrealistic expectations are not met. We saw in the last lesson that:

FLESHLY BEHAVIORS can be the result of your

UNMET unrealistic and realistic expectations.

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What Is The Truth?

When it comes to unmet realistic and unrealistic expectations, there are two key truths to
remember.

1. You must DIE to your unrealistic expectations.

“for if you are living according to the flesh, you must DIE; but if by the Spirit you are putting to
death the deeds of the body, you will live.” Romans 8:13

“ I affirm, brethren, by the boasting in you which I have in Christ Jesus our
Lord, I DIE daily.” 1 Corinthians 15:31

What does it mean to “die” to your unrealistic expectations? It simply

means to turn away from them. The problem is that in and of yourself it is
difficult if not impossible to turn away from deeply ingrained unrealistic
expectations. That is why you must walk dependently upon God and His
power to show you the “death” of trying to get your expectation met. Trust
in His power to die to or turn away from that unrealistic expectation.

For example, let’s assume that you have an unrealistic expectation that
you have to be in control of your spouse. If you continue expecting to be in
control, you will live in constant frustration and may even try harder to be in
control. If you can’t control your spouse, then you will most likely reject him or her. The truth
is that you can’t control anyone, and you can’t be in control. Therefore, seek God in His power
to first reveal to you that your expectation is unrealistic. Secondly, depend upon Him to show
you the death that your expectation is causing you and to your marriage and ask God to move
your will so that you will turn away from that unrealistic expectation.

We will talk more about the application of this truth in the next lesson.

2. Seek God to TRANSFORM your ATTITUDE when your expectations are not met.

We have a choice when it comes to our unmet realistic and unrealistic expectations. We can
respond with a fleshly attitude or with a Christ-like attitude. Where God wants to take you and
your spouse concerning your attitude is this:

“Have this attitude in yourselves which was in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 2:5

What are some examples of Christ-like attitudes in marriage?

Unconditionally loving Seeking harmony and oneness Accepting

Giving grace Seeking peace and unity Being patient
Forgiving Repentant Humility
Selflessness Sacrificial Understanding
Compassion Gentleness Trusting

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The key truth to remember concerning Christ-like attitudes is this:

Apart from the POWER of God, you CANNOT change from living from a
fleshly attitude to living from a Christ-like attitude.

Remember that apart from Christ we can do nothing. Part of what “nothing” means is that
we cannot transform our own attitudes. Only through dependence upon Christ will any real
transformation take place. You see, God’s eternal desire for you is for you to depend upon Him
to transform your fleshly behaviors into Christ-like behaviors/attitudes. As He does this, you will
find yourself responding with Christ-like attitudes or behaviors rather than fleshly behaviors. By
the way, being transformed into living from Christ-like attitudes is the fulfillment of your
spiritual destiny to be transformed into Christ-likeness (2 Corinthians 3:18).

For example, let’s assume that you expect your spouse to pray with you. This could be
thought of as a realistic and godly expectation. However, if he or she refuses, what would it look
like to respond with a Christ-like attitude? Instead of reacting in frustration or anger, you express
a Christ-like attitude of giving grace by not forcing your spouse to pray or making him or her
feel guilty for not praying. You can also pray for your spouse that God will give them a desire to
pray with you.

Let me interject one thought here:

It is okay to have realistic expectations. However, just

because you have them does NOT necessarily mean that they will be met.

In the following line diagram if you continue to believe the lie that you have the right to get in
to the flesh if your expectations are not met, the result will be fleshly behavior, rejection of your
spouse, unforgiveness, or ongoing conflict. However, if you seek God to transform you, then you
will die to your unrealistic expectations and be able to respond to your spouse with Christ-like
attitudes instead of fleshly behavior when your expectations are not met.

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 Realistic Versus Unrealistic Expectations
Die to unrealistic
You allow God expectations
to transform RESULTS Experience and
you. exhibit Christ-like
I AM YOUR attitudes/behavior
THE TRUTH
THE LIE
You have the right
to get your
Fleshly behavior
expectations met & RESULTS Reject your spouse
the right to react in Unforgiveness
the flesh when your Ongoing Conflict
expectations are not
met.

Question: Do you find yourself living more above or below “The Line” when it comes to your
unmet expectations?

Meditate: on the truth that you are to die to your unmet unrealistic expectations.

Engaging God: Seek God to transform you so that you will turn away from your unrealistic
expectations and to living from Christ-like attitudes versus fleshly attitudes.

Without being transformed to live from CHRIST-LIKE attitudes, you will

CONTINUE to respond to unmet expectations with fleshly behaviors.

#5 - The Lie Versus The Truth About Unforgiveness and

Unrepentance
As I shared with you in the previous lesson, unforgiveness and unrepentance are two of the
major factors in creating and continuing conflict in the marriage. We saw the results of both in
the last lesson. Therefore, let’s look at the truth concerning these two issues.

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What Is The Truth About Forgiveness?

Let’s begin by looking at what Jesus says about forgiveness in Matthew 18:21, 22:

“Then Peter came and said to Him, ‘Lord, how often shall my
brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?’ 22
Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up
to seventy times seven.’”

What is Jesus telling us in this verse? Is He telling us that we

are to forgive only up to 490 times? I don’t believe so. I believe
what the Lord is pointing out is that we are to live from a Christ-
like attitude of forgiveness. Let’s look at three key truths about
forgiveness.

DAY FOUR
1. Why Do We NOT Have An Excuse To NOT Forgive?

a. In the midst of our sin God forgave us.

"And when you were dead in your trangressions and the uncircumcision of your flesh, He made
you alive together with Him, having forgiven us all our trangressions” Colossians 2:13

God did not wait for us to confess and repent of our sins before we were forgiven. How does
this apply to your marriage?

You do NOT have to wait for your spouse to

repent BEFORE you forgive him or her.

b. Since God forgave you, He no longer holds any sin against you.

“having canceled out the certificate of debt consisting of decrees against us and which was
hostile to us; and He has taken it out of the way, having nailed it to the cross.” Colossians 2:14

As we talked about in the previous lesson, unforgiveness is created

when one spouse offends the other spouse, and the offended spouse
takes ownership of the offense. The analogy that I use is a card box.
Imagine that every time when you take ownership of an offense that
you write it down and put it into a card box. If not dealt with, over
time you will have a card box full of offenses. The question is, “How
many cards do you believe that you should have in your box?” You
are right. The answer is NONE! If we take ownership of the offense,
then we should forgive immediately. We don’t have to add any more
cards to our “offense” box. God wants us to not take ownership of the
offense. If we do, He wants us to forgive immediately.

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 Insure that you NEVER have any offenses in your OFFENSE box.
Forgive IMMEDIATELY when offended.

c. We have no excuse for holding an offense against our spouse.

“He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west.” Psalm 103:12

“I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins
no more.” Isaiah 43:25

When we read the passages above, we can see that God has not only removed our sins, but He
also no longer remembers them. In other words, He no longer holds the offense against us.

d. When God forgives, forgiveness is complete.

“It is finished.” John 19:30

When Jesus said on the cross “It is finished,” He was saying, “I have paid
everything in full.” Therefore, when you forgive you must TOTALLY
forgive your spouse.

2. What Are The Results of Forgiveness?

a. First and foremost it RESTORES Christ’s life flowing through you and your spouse.

“I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me, and I in him, he bears much fruit;
for apart from Me you can do nothing.” John 15:5

Without Christ’s life there is no real life. Therefore, forgiveness restores you as the branch to
the vine, and the flow of Christ’s life continues. It allows God to continue renewing your mind
and transforming your life.

b. Forgiveness is the first step in HEALING relationships.

“If therefore you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother
has something against you, 24 leave your offering there before the altar, and go your way; first
be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering.” Matthew 5:23, 24

Whether or not the person that you are forgiving wants to continue the relationship is not the
issue. All you can do is forgive and be willing to restore the relationship. Your forgiveness is
never contingent on whether they receive it or not. If you are walking in Christ’s humility and
forgive the offense, God honors that step on your part in restoring the relationship.

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c. Forgiveness allows you to UNCONDITIONALLY ACCEPT and LOVE your spouse
(and others).

“But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you” Luke 6:27

Forgiveness releases all of Christ’s unconditional love through you. No longer do you have to
be offended or angered by your spouse. You are now free to love them with the love of Christ.

d. Forgiveness allows you to walk in FREEDOM.

“It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep
standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery.”
Gal. 5:1
Remember from our last lesson that if you live with an attitude
of unforgiveness, you have only imprisoned yourself. However, if
you have an attitude of forgiveness, you can now walk in the freedom that you have in Christ.
Part of standing firm in Galatians 5:1 means to walk in Christ’s forgiveness moment by moment.

What Is The Truth About Repentance?

“Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline; therefore be zealous and repent.” Revelation 3:19

An attitude of repentance is a great sign of humility. Repentance says, “I have wronged you,
and I am sorry.” Jesus says in Revelation 3:19 above to “be zealous and repent.” In other words,
be intentional and initiate repentance. This is a struggle because your flesh wants to hold on to
it’s “right” to not repent. Hanging on to that right will only produce “death” to you and your
marriage.

Seeking God To Give You A Heart Of Forgiveness and Repentance

The problem with forgiveness and repentance is that your “will” can take you only so far. By
this I mean, that your flesh is ALWAYS UNwilling to forgive or repent. In your own strength
and willpower you may not be able to overcome your fleshly unwillingness. The truth is as well
that you, in and of yourself, cannot produce a Christ-like attitude of forgiveness or repentance.
Therefore, seek God to produce in you an attitude of forgiveness and repentance.

Here again you and your spouse have a choice. “The Line” analogy on the following page
illustrates that choice. You can live from an attitude of Christ-like forgiveness and repentance
which will result in restoration of intimacy, oneness, healing, humility, and freedom from the
bondage of unforgivesness and unrepentance. Or, you can continue to wallow in the prodigal
pigpen of unforgiveness and unrepentance which can result in rejection of your spouse, ongoing
conflict, bitterness, and emotional separation. Eventually, it can lead to divorce.

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 Unforgiveness Versus Forgiveness
Restoration
Forgiveness Healing
RESULTS
Repentance Humility
Freedom
THE TRUTH
THE LIE
Rejection
Unforgiveness Ongoing conflict
RESULTS Bitterness
Unrepentance Emotional
separation
Questions: Do you struggle with unforgiveness and unrepentance? How is that negatively
impacting your marriage?

Meditate: on the verses concerning unforgiveness and unrepentance.

Engaging God: Seek God to move you from an attitude of unforgiveness and unrepentance to
living from a Christ-like attitude of forgiveness and repentance.

5. The Lie Versus The TRUTH Concerning Your and Your Spouse’s
Identities

Remember in the last lesson that I wrote that when couples talk to me about the problems that
they are having with one another, they come to (negative) conclusions about their spouse’s
identity based upon their fleshly behaviors.

For example, they may say things such as, “My spouse is a controlling person” or “My
spouse is an angry person.” The problem is that if you don’t know your spouse’s true identity in
Christ, you might conclude that your spouse’s fleshly behavior will determine (in a negative
way) who they really are. Therefore, let’s look at the truth about your true identity in Christ.

What Is The Truth About Your and Your Spouse’s True Identities?

2 Corinthians 5:17 tells us that we receive a new identity when we trust in Christ for salvation.

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“Therefore if any man is in Christ, he is a new creation (new identity); the old things (old
identity) passed away; behold, new things (new identity) have come.” 2 Corinthians 5:17

When I disciple couples, the one truth that most of them don’t know is that they have a new
identity. That is what Paul is referring to in 2 Corinthians 5:17 when he says that you are a “new
creation.” It says in this verse that the “old things have passed away.” The “old things” is your
old identity. Let’s look for a moment at what made up your old identity.

From birth you started receiving messages about yourself. The messages usually came in two
categories, positive and negative messages. For example:

Negative messages might have been: “You are a failure.” “You will never measure up.” “Is
this the best that you can do?”

Positive messages might have been: “I am proud of you.” “You can do it.” “You are
special.”

As these messages were received and repeated enough times, you started forming beliefs
concerning yourself around those messages. What is the problem?

The problem is that everything that you believe about yourself that
CONTRADICTS the truth of the Word of God is a FALSE Belief.

Whether it is a positive or a negative message, it is a lie if it does not line up with God’s truth.

These repeated and reinforced lying negative and positive messages developed into negative
and positive “false” beliefs:

Result In
Repeated Lies False Beliefs

Let’s look at a negative and a positive false belief followed by God’s truth:

Negative false belief: “I am a failure.”

God’s truth: In Christ, you are more than a conqueror. Romans 8:37

Positive false belief: “I can do anything that I set my mind to.”

God’s truth: Jesus says in John 15:5, “Apart from Me you can do nothing.”

DAY FIVE
Choose from the list below which of these beliefs that you feel are true of you:

Unworthy Secure in self

Unacceptable Self-confident
Rejected Self-sufficient
A failure Successful
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Anxious Self-reliant
Inadequate In control
Weak Resourceful in self
Defeated Competent in self
Insecure Fearless
Fearful Strong in self

I need to let you know at this point that every one of the beliefs above are false beliefs. The
column on the left I call NEGATIVE false beliefs, and the column on the right I call POSITIVE
false beliefs. If you picked one or more of the beliefs above as being true of you, then you are
still believing lies about yourself.

Note: The positive false beliefs in the right column look very appealing. However, the focus of
what is in that column is “self.”

“For we know that the Law is spiritual; but I am of flesh, sold into bondage to sin.”
Romans 7:14

As we saw in Lesson Two on our study of the flesh, the focus of the flesh is ME. It is Me
being in control, ME trying to meet my needs, and ME trying to produce a happy marriage
independently of God. Fleshly behavior is produced as a result of our lying beliefs. Let’s look at
some examples of fleshly behaviors that result from negative and positive lying beliefs.

Example of fleshly behaviors from a NEGATIVE false belief: If you believe that you are an
inadequate person, some of the fleshly behaviors that can result are being critical and
judgmental of others, being in denial, being a people-pleaser, etc.

Example of fleshly behaviors from a POSITIVE false belief: If you believe that you are a
self-confident person, then some of the fleshly behaviors that can result are boasting, self-
serving, self-promotion, and controlling.

Therefore, we all still have lying beliefs about ourselves, and from those lying beliefs flow
fleshly behaviors. The key truth to remember is:

What you believed about yourself prior to

salvation made up your OLD IDENTITY.

God knew that you needed a new identity, and in order to give you a new one, He had to deal
with the old one. We see in Romans 6:6 that God crucified your old identity:

“knowing this, that our old self (old identity) was crucified with Him, that our body of sin might
be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin.” Romans 6:6 (Parenthesis mine)

Referring back to 2 Corinthians 5:17, we see that God removed our old identity and
exchanged it for a new one:

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“Therefore if any man is in Christ, he is a new creation (new identity); the old things (old
identity) passed away; behold, new things (new identity) have come.” 2 Corinthians 5:17
(Parentheses mine)

To me, knowing that we have a new identity is part of the “great” news of the gospel. As you
receive revelation of your true identity and see yourself and your spouse as new creations, it will
totally change the way that you see one another. Let’s look at some of the characteristics of your
and your spouse’s new identities:

Who You And Your Spouse Are In Your TRUE Identity “IN CHRIST”

1 John 4:12 In Christ, you and your spouse are unconditionally loved. (lovers)
Colossians 3:12 In Christ, you and your spouse are compassionate, humble, kind, patient.
Colosians 2:10 In Christ, you and your spouse are complete.
Colossians 3:13 In Christ, you and your spouse are forgiving persons.
Psalm 139:14 In Christ, you and your spouse are worthy.
2 Corinthians 3:5 In Christ, you and your spouse are totally adequate.
John 15:13 In Christ, you and your spouse are sacrificial.
Romans 15:7 In Christ, you and your spouse are accepted and acceptable.
Philippians 2:6 In Christ, you and your spouse are confident.
Philippians 2:3 In Christ, you and your spouse are one-another focused.
John 15:13 In Christ, you and your spouse are sacrificial.
Psalm 139:5 In Christ, you and your spouse are secure.
Psalm 56:4 In Christ, you and your spouse are fearless.
Ephesians 4:24 In Christ, you and your spouse are righteous and holy.
Ephesians 1:1 In Christ, you and your spouse are saints.
Galatians 5:1 In Christ, you and your spouse are free.
Psalm 28:7 In Christ, you and your spouse are strong.
1 Corinthians 2:16 In Christ, you and your spouse have the mind of Christ.
Romans 8:37 In Christ, you and your spouse are more than conquerors.
1 Corinthians 6:17 In Christ, you and your spouse are one in Christ.
1 Corinthians 15:57 In Christ, you and your spouse are victorious.
Colossians 3:12 In Christ, you and your spouse are chosen of God and dearly loved.
Romans 8:17 In Christ, you and your spouse are joint-heirs with Christ.
1 Peter 2:9, 10 In Christ, you and your spouse are a chosen race, a royal priesthood.
Galatians 5:22, 23 In Christ, you and your spouse are containers of all of the Spiritual fruit.
Galatians 3:26 In Christ, you and your spouse are sons and daughters of Christ.
John 15:15 In Christ, you and your spouse are friends of Christ.
Colossians 3:4 In Christ, you and your spouse are expressions of the life of Christ.
Hebrews 3:14 In Christ, you and your spouse are partakers of Christ.
.
Look at this list and mark those characteristics that you do not believe are true of you.

Any feeling or belief about yourselves that contradicts God’s

truth does not change the fact that what God says is TRUE!

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 When I take couples through these truths, they have a hard time believing how God sees
them. The reason is that their behavior does not always line up with their true identity. However,
this is the key truth when it comes to behavior and your true identity:

Your behavior does NOT determine your true identity.

Therefore, going back to our previous example, your spouse is not a controlling person. The
truth is that they have a fleshly behavior of controlling. Your spouse is not an angry person.
They have a fleshly behavior of being angry. The truth is that in their true identity they are not
controlling. The problem is that their fleshly behavior is a greater reality to them than the truth of
their true identity.

“The Line” and Your True Identity

I want to use “The Line” analogy in a little different way than I have so far. In this “Line”
analogy I will illustrate your true identity versus your fleshly behavior. Below “The Line” are the
fleshly behaviors that flow from your false beliefs about yourself, and above “The Line” is the
truth of your true identity. God’s desire is to transform you and your spouse so that you are both
living from your true identity in Christ.

Your TRUE Identity Versus Fleshly Behavior

Unconditional Love Righteous Humble
Secure Acceptable Patient
Forgiving Fearless Complete
Compassionate Discerning Wise
Adequate Thankful Confident
TRUE Sacrificial Sufficient Selfless
IDENTITY Free Victorious Strong
Joyful Peaceful Good

Fleshly
Behavior Unworthy
Self-confident
Secure in self
Rejected
Unacceptable
Self-sufficient
A failure Successful Anxious
Self-reliant Inadequate In control
Weak Defeated Competent in self
Insecure Fearless Strong in self

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 Where God is taking you as He TRANSFORMS you and your spouse is to
live above “The Line” from your true identity in Christ.

Therefore, what God wants you and your spouse to do is to seek Him to renew your mind to
the truth of your true identities. In the next lesson we will see the practical application of what
that looks like.

Meditate: on 2 Corinthians 5:17.

Question: How do you think that it might positively impact your marriage if you were both
living from your true identities?
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________

Engaging God: Ask God to begin renewing your mind to the truth of the list of the
characteristics of your true identity.

Summary
I trust that the Lord has revealed some critical truths to you that, if experienced and lived out,
can transform every Christian’s marriage. In the next lesson we are going to look at God’s part
and your part in the transformation process.

Note: If you would like to know more about the truths of your true identity, please go to the
Appendix at the end of this study.

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 Lesson Five

God’s Process of Transforming Your Marriage

DAY ONE
Introduction

Now that we understand the lies versus the truth in at least six areas of marriage let’s look at
God’s process of transforming our marriages to live from the truth. Before we begin, it is critical
that you now understand a critical principle:

The Process of Transforming Your Marriage Begins With The Words

“I CAN’T.”

We learned from God’s design in the Garden of Eden before the Fall that Adam and Eve
totally depended on God as their Source to meet their physical, emotional, and spiritual needs.
We also discussed that God put the fullness of Himself and His life and power in you so that He
could live in you to transform you and your spouse to transform both of you. Since this is true,
for true transformation to become a reality in your marriage it is necessary for you and your
spouse to come to the place of:

“I CAN’T”
What do I mean by “I Can’t?” Let me give you some examples:

• I can’t fix or transform me or my spouse.

• I can’t meet my needs or my spouse’s needs.
• I can’t set myself free from my fleshly behavior.
• I can’t move my will from unwillingness to willingness

The false belief is:

You and your spouse can take God’s truth and using your own intellect, ability,
and willpower with God’s help can have a Christ-centered marriage.

I have met with countless number of couples who have attended

conferences, read books, and heard many sermons on how to transform
their marriages. They were given a “marriage tool pouch” and were
given “tools” to use that would improve their marriage. One couple
came to me after attending a 13 week course where they were given
several tools to use to improve their marriage. They raved about the
course but when I asked why they came to see me, they confessed that
none of the tools were truly resolving the deep-seated problems in their
marriage.
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 Please don’t hear my wrong. I am all for any tool or technique that can improve your
marriage. All I am saying is that these tools, apart from depending on the life and power of God,
will never truly transform you and your spouse. The truth is that God has it rigged. Since He is
the Source, only He can produce the intimacy, harmony, and transformation that He promises.

This is why I come back to Jesus’s words in the last part of John 15:5

“…apart from Me you can do NOTHING.”

John 15:5 applies to your marriage in that NEITHER you NOR your spouse can
PRODUCE a Christ-centered marriage.

This is the foundational truth that every couple must understand. Without believing this truth,
couples are going to believe that they can read enough books, go to enough conferences, listen to
enough sermons on marriage, and then go out in their own strength and ability and produce a
Christ-centered marriage. Having said this let’s look at God’s process of transforming your
marriage.

What Is God’s Part In Transforming Your Marriage?

God Is The Initiator and The Cause and Effect of Transforming Your Marriage

“For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you…” Philippians
1:6a

What is Paul telling us in the first part of this verse? He is saying that God began the work
that He wants to accomplish in you. He began or initiated this work in you at salvation. The
Father accomplished this work by sending Jesus to die on the cross to save mankind from his
sins. However, God promises to do much more than just save you. Look at the second part of
Philippians 1:6:

“…He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ
Jesus.” Philippians 1:6b
We see in the second part of Philippians 1:6 that God not only began the work, but He also
WILL complete the work that He began in you at salvation. This verse reveals to us that God is
the initiator and the cause and effect for real change in your life and in your marriage.
What Will God Accomplish To Transform Your Marriage
• Meet your God-given needs.
• Give you a desire to live from Him as your Source.
• Transform your fleshly behavior into godly behavior.
• Give you the willingness to die to your fleshly rights.
• Transform you to be willing to forgive and repent.
• Produce Christ-likeness in you and your spouse.

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Engaging God: Ask God to begin accomplishing these things in you and your marriage.

God is not only WILLING to transform your marriage.

He is DETERMINED to transform it.

What Is Your Part In God’s Transformation Process

To understand what your part is in God’s transformation
process, let’s look at the first part of John 15:5:

“I AM the VINE, you are the branches; he who abides in Me,

and I in him, he bears much fruit…” John 15:5a

Jesus is saying that as the physical branch is designed to be

totally dependent upon the physical vine for life, you and your
spouse, as spiritual branches, are designed to live totally
dependent upon God, the spiritual Vine, for life. The word “abide”
means “to remain.” The key point to understand is that the branch receives life from the vine.
When the branch is separated from the vine it dies. So, we too as Christians are designed to live
DEPENDENTLY upon the vine for life. It is important to understand at this point a very key
truth:

Your part in living the Christian life and

EXPERIENCING a Christ-centered marriage is to
live with an ATTITUDE of DEPENDENCE upon God as your Source.

Side note: The word “bears” in John 15:5 does not mean “produce.” The word “bears” means
“to carry.” The key point is that the branch does not produce the fruit. The vine is the source for
producing the fruit while the branch is the agent through which the fruit is produced.

Questions: Have you thought up to this point that it is up to you to produce a Christ-centered
marriage? How might it change how you look at marriage if it is NOT up to you to produce a
Christ-centered marriage?
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________

Meditate: on John 15:5 and think about how an attitude of dependence is the key to a Christ-
centered marriage.

DAY TWO
Dependence = FAITH
Another word for dependence is FAITH. Why does dependence = faith?

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 Let me give you an example. When you have a dental
problem, it creates a need for a dentist. You are totally
dependent upon that dentist to deal with your problem. Another
way of saying that you are dependent is that you have faith in
your dentist’s ability to do for you what you cannot do for
yourself. Therefore, another word for dependence is faith.

Paul confirms for us in Galatians 2:20 that His part in God’s

transformation process is faith.

“I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the
life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave
Himself up for me.” Galatians 2:20

I would define faith as the following:

Faith is simply recognizing your inability to do what only God can do and seeking
Him with an attitude of DEPENDENCE in order that He will RELEASE His life and
power in you to make His promises an experiential reality in your life.

Most Christians Know That It Is A Walk of Faith, BUT……

You may be reading this saying “I know it is a walk of faith.” Most Christians know that we
must live by faith. What I have found is that many Christians don’t really understand what it
means to walk by faith.

Let me give you an example, I was discipling a couple who

had some real struggles in their marriage. As I began telling them
that to be transformed, they must put their faith in God to
transform their marriage. The husband stops me and says this: “I
know it is by faith but just tell me what to do.” Think about what
he is saying.

He is really saying that “If you will tell me what I need to do, I
will put faith in my ability to make it happen.” This is a problem
that I see in so many marriages. They want to know what to do so
that they can be the source to fix themselves or their spouses. The
main problem I see with couples is:

Instead of truly walking by faith in God, the OBJECT of many couple’s faith is
their OWN intellect, ability, and willpower.

Why is it that when it comes to living the Christian life or living a Christ-centered marriage,
we keep asking the question: “What do I need to do?” I believe it is because we live in a culture

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of “learn and do.” For the most part, all of what you can do whether it is driving a car, enjoying
your hobbies, or working at your job, you learned how to do it. Someone taught you and then
you went and did it.

This works in most areas of our lives but it will NEVER work in the Christian life. The
reason being is that the “doing” of transforming your life and marriage can only be done by God.
Therefore, this brings us to a choice of who will be the object of your faith. With each choice
come consequences. I have summed up the choice and the consequences in the following
illustration:

Faith in yourself to produce Faith in God to produce a

a Christ-centered marriage =
Ongoing conflict, no change,
coping, separation, divorce.
Christ-centered marriage =
Ongoing transformation,
increasing harmony,
intimacy and oneness

CHOICE

Moment By Moment Choice

What Choice Will You Make?

The Result of You Being The Object of Your Faith: An unchanged marriage which will
result in unmet needs, fleshly behavior, no real transformation, and continued coping which may
eventually lead to separation or divorce.

The Result Of God Being The Object Of Your Faith: A marriage in which needs are
being met, personal transformation is taking place, and where there is an increasing harmony,
intimacy, and oneness.

Engaging God: Ask God to reveal to you the truth about your walk of faith. Are you really
walking by faith in God, or is it possible that you are walking in faith in your own strength and
abilities?

What Happens At That Moment When You Take A Step of Faith?

Since you contain all of God’s life and power, what happens when you take a step of faith?

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 The moment when you take a step of faith, ALL of God’s LIFE and POWER is
RELEASED in you to transform your thinking, your beliefs, and your behavior.

Let me give you a visual image to explain this. Imagine a plastic water bottle
that is full of water, and the cap is screwed on tight. The water in the bottle
represents the fullness of the Godhead and all of God’s LIFE and POWER.
Imagine that full bottle entering into you at the point of salvation because at
salvation you received the fullness of God’s life and power in you.

However, without the cap off the bottle, you will never be able to drink from
or draw on God’s life and power. You can turn the bottle upside down and try to
pour, but with the cap on nothing flows out of the bottle. I have just described
the first thirty years of my Christian life and the first ten years of our marriage.
First of all no one told me that I had the fullness of God’s life and power within
me. Additionally, they did not tell me how to access this internal “living water.”

Therefore, I was trying to produce or manufacture a “man-made” water bottle that was
unnecessary because I already possessed “living water.” The key to accessing God’s life and
power in the bottle is faith. When you take a step of faith, God unscrews the cap of the bottle
and pours into you His life and power.

Therefore, a STEP of faith is the ACCESS to

God’s LIFE and POWER within you!

DAY THREE
Transformation Is A SUPERNATURAL Process.
I will use the fall of Jericho in Joshua 6:3-5 to make my point. God told the Israelites to:

“March around the city once with all the armed men. Do
this for six days. 4 Have seven priests carry trumpets of
rams’ horns in front of the ark. On the seventh day, march
around the city seven times, with the priests blowing the
trumpets. 5 When you hear them sound a long blast on the
trumpets, have all the people give a loud shout; then the
wall of the city will collapse and the people will go up,
every man straight in.” Joshua 6:3-5

You probably know the story of the fall of Jericho. I

would like you to read this passage again and put yourself
in the story. What if God told you to march around Jericho
for seven days and blow trumpets on the seventh day, and
the walls would fall down? (FYI - God did not tell the Jews
to bring a crane with a wrecking ball.)

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 Your part in the fall of Jericho is to simply respond to God by faith, and He will do the work.
Imagine standing there as the walls came down. Would you not be in awe of God’s supernatural
work?

Is it possible that God wants to accomplish this same supernatural work in you and in your
marriage? Does He not promise to knock down the walls of your lying beliefs, your defeating sin
patterns, and your fleshly behaviors and to set you free? As with the Jews, your part is to depend
upon God and walk by faith. He will do the rest. This is called the supernatural work of God.
How do I define a supernatural work?

Supernatural Work
A work that God accomplishes in and through you as you walk by faith for which
there is NO natural or man-made explanation.

Question: What supernatural work do you want God to accomplish in your life and in your
marriage?

Meditate: on Joshua 6:3-5 and think about this question, “If God can knock down the physical
walls of Jericho, will He not knock down the walls of your lying beliefs, sin patterns, and fleshly
behaviors if you walk by faith?”

Engaging God: Begin taking steps of faith and ask God to begin knocking down those walls.

What We Don’t Understand About God’s Supernatural Work

It is probably safe to say that most Christians

understand that God’s power is supernatural. However, when I
say that God wants to accomplish a supernatural work in them
and in their marriages, they tend to have a more difficult time
understanding that concept. So what does “supernatural” mean
when it comes to God’s power working in us?

It means that we don’t know how (and God is not telling us

how) that He will transform our lives. This can be a struggle
for us because we are always wanting to know how anything
and everything works. When it comes to God’s supernatural
work:

God working SUPERNATURALLY in your life and your marriage means that He is
not telling you His PROCESS for transforming them.

One of the greatest struggles that I have in sharing these truths is that I can’t describe to you
God’s process in transforming your life. I wish that I could. Then I could give you a formula that
you could use in your walk of faith.

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 However, since God is not going to tell you how that He is working, He simply wants you to
take steps of faith in Him and to know by faith that He is accomplishing His supernatural work
in you. We cannot formulize the Christian life because God’s work in you will be unique to you
and to no one else.

Because God’s work is a SUPERNATURAL work and is tailored individually,

we can’t make the Christian life a formula or a checklist.

Questions: Do you have a better understanding of why we can’t make formulas or checklists for
people to follow to live the Christian life? Does this present a struggle for you?

Meditate: on the truth that God is not telling us what He is doing as we walk by faith and that
our part is to trust that He is working.

One More Thing That We Need To Understand About God’s

SUPERNATURAL Work

One of the key things that we don’t understand about God’s supernatural work is:

When you take a step of faith, you may not

FEEL or EXPERIENCE God’s life and power working in you.

If you will participate with me for a moment, I think I can show you what I mean. Take a step
of faith with me right now. Simply say, “Lord, I am trusting You this moment to be my Source.”
If you did that by faith, are you feeling anything? Are you experiencing a rush of God’s power
pouring into you? For the most part you will not be feeling God’s power in you as you walk by
faith. Why is this? Look at 2 Corinthians 5:7 for the answer:

“For we walk by faith, not by sight.”

Paul is telling us in this verse that it is a walk of faith and

not one of feeling or experiencing. More often than not you
will not be feeling or experiencing either God’s life or His
power.

Why can this be frustrating? As human beings we feel and

experience life through one or more of our five senses every
moment. Since feeling and experiencing are such integral
parts of our life, it is easy to conclude that when we take a
step of faith that we will feel or experience God’s work.

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 The truth is that for the MOST part you will NOT feel or experience God’s
life and power flowing in you when you take a step of faith.

I want to use a previous example concerning my need for acceptance to make this point.
Remember that I had a great need for acceptance (like you). When I began my journey of faith, a
step of faith looked like this: “Lord, I am asking You to renew my mind to the truth that my
acceptance can only be found in You.” At that very moment, all of God’s power to renew my
mind was being released in me.

However, I was not feeling or experiencing any renewing. Even though I was not feeling God
renewing my mind, what does God’s truth tell us? Whether I felt it or not, God’s power was
pouring into me. The truth is that just because I am not experiencing God’s power does not
change the fact that God is working in that moment to renew my mind. Therefore, here is the key
truth to the walk of faith:

The Key To the Walk of Faith:

BELIEVING that God is working in you the moment that you take a step of faith
whether or not you feel or experience His life and power working in you.

Questions: Have you tried to walk by faith in the past, but you got discouraged and quit walking
because you were not feeling or experiencing God’s work in your life and therefore concluded
that He was not really working? Does it help you better understand the walk of faith by knowing
the truth that you may not feel or experience His life and power moving in you even though He
is working?

Meditate: on the truth that we are to believe that God is working even though we don’t
experience Him working.

Engaging God: Ask God to give you a deeper revelation of the truth that you may not feel or
experience His life and power in you the moment when you take a step of faith.

This Does Not Mean That You Won’t Experience Changes.

“…SEEK and you will FIND...” Matthew 7:7

Matthew 7:7 is a verse that you probably know, but do you know all of what you will find? In
relation to the walk of faith, if you walk long enough, you will find victory, freedom, healing,
and transformation. The key is to continue to seek until you find. The good news about the
walk of faith is:

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 Even though you MAY not feel or experience God’s process, you will
EVENTUALLY experience changes in your thinking, in what you believe, in your
behavior, and in the choices that you make.

“….I am overflowing with joy in the midst of all our suffering.” 2 Corinthians 7:4b

Through Paul’s walk of faith, he came to a place where he was experiencing great joy even
in the midst of his suffering. God wants you to experience the changes that He promises to bring
about in your life and your marriage. However, you may not be feeling or experiencing His work
in you prior to the actual changes taking place.

For example, you begin seeking God by faith to remove the desire to control your spouse. As
you walk by faith, God’s power is working in you to move you away from that desire, but you
may not experience the process taking place. However, as God transforms you will find your
need to control your spouse decreasing. Hopefully, you will one day find yourself not controlling
your spouse in an area of your marriage where you would always control before.

Therefore, the key question for you and your spouse in your walk of faith is:

Will you walk long enough by faith to EXPERIENCE supernatural changes

in your life and in your marriage?

Since we do not know (and God is not telling us) how long after we start walking by faith it
will take to experience change in some area, we must continue to walk by faith until we do
experience some transformation in our life. We will talk more about what to expect in our walk
of faith later in this study. What happens when you do experience supernatural changes?

DAY FOUR

Let’s Apply The Walk of Faith To The OBSTACLES To A Christ-

Centered Marriage

Let me list the six obstacles to a Christ-centered marriage from Lesson Three:

1. Fleshly Behavior
2. Fleshly “Rights”
3. Unmet Needs
4. Unmet Expectations
5. Forgiveness/Repentance
6. Your true identity

Let’s look at what the walk of faith looks like concerning these obstacles.
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1. Steps Of Faith In Dealing With FLESHLY BEHAVIOR

The Truth: Taking steps of faith in God will result in Him transforming your fleshly behavior to
godly behavior.

Example #1: Let’s assume that your fleshly behavior is needing to be in control of your
marriage. What might be some steps of faith in order to bring God’s power to deal with that
behavior?

Step of faith: “Lord, expose the lie that I need to be in control of my marriage. Reveal to me the
truth that You and You alone are in control. Set me free from my need to control.”

Step of faith: “Reveal to me the death that my controlling behavior is bringing into my
marriage. Move my will to a place where I am willing to die to my desire to control.”

Example #2: Let’s assume that you have a fleshly behavior of being
critical of your spouse.

Step of faith: “Lord, when I am being critical of my spouse, expose the death
that my criticism is causing.”

Step of faith: “Lord, move me from having a critical attitude to having an

attitude of unconditional love.”

What if you are unwilling to turn away from some fleshly behavior?

The truth is that on some level we are unwilling, apart from Christ, to turn away from our
flesh. However, we can be honest with God about our unwillingness (by the way, He has known
about your unwillingness for an eternity). We then have two choices. One choice is to come to
God in humility to acknowledge our unwillingness and to engage Him by faith to make us
willing.

However, if in your pride you are unwilling to come to God in this manner and want to
overtly resist His work in your life, then God will begin working to break down your resistance.
This process is called brokenness. Brokenness is the process where God will allow or cause
events in your life to bring you to the place where you will see the death of your flesh and will
turn from it.

Key Points To Remember About Seeking God To Deal With Your Flesh

1. Some of your fleshly behaviors are STRONGER than others. It may take more time for
God to transform your stronger fleshly behaviors.
2. Early on in your walk of faith you will go back to your fleshly behavior MANY times.
Every time you do, simply confess your sin to God, repent, and seek God to continue
transforming you in that area of fleshly behavior.
3. Remember that your flesh is your DEFAULT position. When you are not walking
dependently upon God, you will automatically go back to the flesh.
4. God is faithful in that He will continue to EXPOSE the death of your flesh in order to
help you walk in the death to your flesh.
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 5. You may have to take many steps of faith before your fleshly resistance WEAKENS.

Engaging God: Begin taking steps of faith for God to transform your fleshly behavior.

2. Steps Of Faith In Dealing With FLESHLY RIGHTS

The Truth: You must allow God to move you to a place where you die to your fleshly rights.

Example #1: You believe you have the fleshly “right” to fix or change your spouse. What
does it look like to die to your fleshly rights?

Step of faith: “Lord, You have exposed my fleshly “right” to try to change my spouse. The truth
is that only You can change my spouse. Therefore I am asking You to move my will to die to
that fleshly right.”

Step of faith: “Lord, I am unwilling to die to my fleshly right to fix my spouse. I am trusting
You to transform me so that I am willing to die to that right.”

Example #2: You have the fleshly “right” to be right.

Step of faith: “Lord, the truth is that I do not have the fleshly ‘right’ to be right. I confess my
pride associated with this right, and I am asking You in Your power to remove my unwillingness
to die to this right.”

Key Points To Remember About Seeking God To Deal With Your Fleshly Rights

1. those than to some that are not as strong.

2. You may have to be more INTENTIONAL early on in your walk of faith in engaging
God to move you to be willing to die to your fleshly “rights.”
3. If you DON’T bring the power of God to deal with the power that your fleshly “rights”
have over you, you will never be willing to give up that right.

Engaging God: Begin taking steps of faith and engage God’s power to move you to a place of
willingness to die to your fleshly “rights.”

DAY FIVE

3. Steps Of Faith In Dealing With UNMET NEEDS

The Truth: Only God can truly meet your needs of:

Unconditional Love
Unconditional Acceptance
Value/Worth
Respect
Security

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Example #1: Your spouse is not loving you unconditionally.

Step of faith: “Lord, persuade me that only You can meet my need for
unconditional love. Move me away from trying to find that need of
unconditional love from my spouse.”

Step of faith: “Lord, I can’t unconditionally love my spouse. I am asking

You to unconditionally love my spouse through me.”

Example #2: You have been trying to get your need for unconditional
acceptance met from your spouse. However, your spouse has rejected
you in many ways.

Step of faith: “The truth is, Lord, that my spouse is incapable of unconditionally accepting me.
Remind me of and renew my mind to the truth that You and You alone accept me
unconditionally.”

Step of faith: “Lord, reveal to me in a deeper way that since I am unconditionally accepted in
You that I no longer have to take ownership of my spouse’s rejection.”

Note: When you truly are finding your unconditional acceptance in Christ, you no longer have to
take ownership of your spouse’s rejection. That will be true freedom.

Key Points To Remember About Seeking God To Deal With Your Unmet Needs

As you begin taking steps of faith, remember that it may take SEVERAL steps of faith before
you experience God’s acceptance, unconditional love, security, etc.

1. If God is the ONLY One who can truly meet your needs, then you don’t need to go to
other people or things to try to get those needs met. (This may save you from having an affair.)
2. Getting your needs met in Christ will move you from being a TAKER to becoming a
GIVER.
3. As you are getting your needs met in Christ, you will be able to draw on God’s love,
acceptance, worth, etc. and to allow Him to flow those things THROUGH you to your spouse.

Engaging God: Ask God to persuade you that your God-given needs can only be met in Him
and that you no longer need to try to get those needs met in anyone or any thing.

4. Steps Of Faith In Dealing With UNMET EXPECTATIONS

The Truth: You do not have to react in the flesh when your realistic or unrealistic expectations
are not met.

Example #1: You have an unrealistic expectation that your spouse can make you happy.
You also have expectations on how he or she will make you happy. When that happens,
here are some examples of steps of faith.

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Step of faith: “Lord, my spouse is not meeting my expectations. I confess my fleshly attitude of
frustration and repent of it. I am asking You to move me to a place where I will die to my
unrealistic expectations.”

Step of faith: “Lord, persuade me of the truth that You are the real source of my happiness.
Renew my mind to that truth and move me away from believing the lie that my spouse should
make me happy.”

Example #2: You have a realistic expectation that your spouse will satisfy you sexually.
When he/she does not meet your expectation, then you choose to withhold sex.

Step of faith: “Lord, I confess my fleshly behavior of withholding sex from my spouse. I am
trusting You to transform my fleshly behavior into godly behavior so that I will love my spouse
unconditionally.”

Key Points To Remember About Seeking God To Deal With Your Expectations

1. It will be HARDER to die to your realistic expectations. However, as you continue

walking by faith, you will find yourself becoming more willing to die to them.
2. Early on in your walk of faith you will GIVE IN TO your fleshly behaviors because of
unmet expectations (realistic or unrealistic).
3. However, as you learn to walk in GREATER dependence upon God as your Source and
your “need-meeter,” you will find yourself reacting less and less when those expectations
are not met.

Engaging God: Ask God to expose the fleshly behaviors that result from your realistic and
unrealistic expectations not being met. Continue seeking Him to move you to a place where you
do not respond in the flesh when your expectations are not met.

We will continue looking at what it means to walk by faith concerning the obstacles to a Christ-
centered marriage in the next lesson.

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 Lesson Six

Final Truths Concerning A Christ-Centered Marriage

DAY ONE
Introduction

In this final lesson we will be starting with what steps of faith look like concerning
unforgiveness, unrepentance and your true identity. We will also look at more application of
these truths to issues that you face in your marriage. We will then look at some final truths
concerning this study.

Steps Of Faith To Deal With Unforgiveness and Unrepentance

The Truth: Because of Christ’s total forgiveness of you, you have no excuse not to forgive your
spouse or not repent of your fleshly behavior toward your spouse.

Example #1: Your spouse offended you, and you took ownership of that offense.
Step of faith: “Lord, forgive me for taking offense and change my heart from one of
unforgiveness to one of forgiveness.”

Step of faith: “Lord, remind me that You totally forgave me and that I have no right not to
totally forgive my spouse.”

Example #2: You made your spouse angry in some way and are unwilling to repent.

Step of faith: “Lord, reveal to me my need to repent to my spouse. Persuade me that

unrepentance only leads to death in my relationship with him/her.”

Step of faith: “Lord, I am unwilling to repent to my spouse for what I did. I am asking You to
give me a heart of willingness to repent.”

Engaging God: Begin taking steps of faith for God to transform your will so that you will be the
first to forgive and the first to repent in your marriage.

Key Points To Remember About Seeking God To Move You To

Forgiveness or Repentance

1. Remember that unforgiveness and unrepentance will impede the flow of God’s life and
power in you.
2. It is important to NOT have any offenses in your “offense card box.” Ask the Spirit to
REVEAL to you any offenses that you might have in the card box.
3. Being willing to forgive and repent may take LONGER in some areas of your marriage
because of the DEPTH of your unforgiveness.
4. Continue walking by faith until God persuades you to be the FIRST one to forgive and
the FIRST one to repent.

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Steps Of Faith To Understand and Experience Your True Identity

As you go through this part of the study, please refer to the characteristics of your true
identity on page 67.

The Truth: You are an unconditional lover in Christ. Therefore, ask the Lord to unconditionally
love your spouse through you.

Step of faith: “Lord, I am trusting You to unconditionally love my wife through me regardless
of what he or she says or does.”

The Truth: You can be used by God to set your spouse free from his/her lying beliefs through
intercessory prayer.

Step of faith: “Lord, my spouse is believing the lie that he/she is ________. I am asking You to
replace his/her lie with the truth that he/she is ___________ in Christ.”

The Truth: Feeling rejected by a spouse is one of the greatest struggles in marriage. The truth is
that you are totally accepted in Christ, and you do not have to take ownership of your spouse’s
rejection.

Step of faith: “Lord, I feel rejected by my spouse. Persuade me that I am totally accepted in You
and do not have to take ownership of that rejection. Move me away from my fleshly desire to
reject back.”

Engaging God: Begin taking steps of faith for God to transform you to believe and live from
your true identity.

Key Points To Remember About The Walk of Faith and Your True
Identity

1. Depending upon how entrenched your lying beliefs are, it may take some time before your
mind is renewed to a place where you begin to believe the truth of your true identity in
Christ.
2. During your walk of faith, you will fall prey to believing the lies about yourself many
times.
3. However, as you continue your walk of faith, you will eventually experience changes in
your thinking, feelings, and the choices that you make.
4. As you begin to walk in your true identity, you will find yourself living from Christ-like
behavior instead of fleshly behavior.

Key Points To Remember As You Allow God To Transform Your

Marriage

1. It is a process. It may take time for you to see any real changes when you begin your
walk of faith.
2. As you begin to walk in your true identity, you will find yourself living from Christ-like
behavior instead of fleshly behavior.
3. You may not feel or experience God working as you take steps of faith, but know by faith
that He is working to transform you.
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 4. You will fall back into the flesh many times during your journey. However, you don’t
have to condemn yourself when you fail. Just repent, confess your sin, and keep walking.
5. Don’t expect your spouse to be the first one to see that you are being changed. Because of
the history you have with your spouse, it may take him or her longer to see the changes.
6. Seek God to show you where He is changing your thoughts, beliefs, choices, and
behaviors.

DAY TWO

Application Of These Truths To Other Areas of Marriage

1. CHILDREN

There needs to be a complete different study to cover However, let’s look at some of the key
areas where couples struggle with their kids.

a. Decisions

Raising children is a constant decision making process. This can create tension between a
couple when they don’t agree on a course of action. The key truth to remember is that God
knows the best decision/choice for your child. In addition, you have access to all of God’s
wisdom. The real struggle is that parents depend on their intellect, or advice, or books to make
their decisions. God can certainly work through all three but many decisions have more than one
option. Rather, than trying to make those decisions on your own, seek God to give you His
decision.

Step of faith: “Lord, we desire Your will to be done and are seeking You to reveal what You
believe our decision should be.”

Key Point: The key component in knowing God’s will is a growing sensitivity to the Holy
Spirit. The Spirit is always talking to us. The problem is not the Spirit’s speaking. Rather, it is
our “spiritual” hearing. My experience as well as others is that as you grow in your dependence
on God, then you will find your spiritual hearing gets better. Another key point to remember is
that God will give you answers through your mind, other people, books, etc. It is important to
subject all of these to the Lord for Him to use or not use any of these things to convey His will.

Key Point: You may seek God for an answer but He may not necessarily give you one. In my
experience, He does that to see if we are depending on Him as we make that decision. Here is an
example of what that might look like.

Step of faith: “Lord, we have not heard from you concerning this decision. We believe that this
decision is the one we should make. However, we are depending on You to tell us otherwise.”

b. Discipline

Discipline decisions are arrived at primarily based on how a husband or wife was disciplined.
This can create conflict if one spouse wants to discipline more or less than their spouse. The
mediator in all your decisions should be the Holy Spirit. Therefore, come together in prayer and
seek how God wants you to discipline.
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Step of faith: “Lord, my spouse and I disagree on how to discipline our children. We are
seeking you to reveal to us how we should do that.”

Also, one spouse may be unwilling to discipline. However, the Bible is very clear that discipline
is an essential part of child development. If you are facing this situation, either individually or as
a couple seek God to persuade you that discipline is part of His plan.

Step of faith: “We are seeking You to persuade us that even though we don’t like the idea of
discipline that it is part of Your plan. Move us from unwillingness to be willing to discipline.”

2. SEXUAL INTIMACY

Sexual intimacy can be a source of struggle, frustration and conflict. However, God’s design
is for sexual intimacy to not only bring physical pleasure but to bring greater spiritual oneness to
the marriage as well. This is a question I often ask couples concerning sexual intimacy: “Do you
look at sexual intimacy as a spiritual experience as much as you do a physical or emotional
experience?” For the most part couples don’t understand what it means that sexual intimacy is a
spiritual experience. The key is having intimacy “in Christ.” What does that look like?

Step of Faith: “Lord, we want our sexual intimacy to be a spiritual experience as much as it is a
physical one. Therefore, we are depending on You to make it truly a spiritual experience.”

God will take your sexual intimacy to a whole new level. I promise!

Key Truth For Men: For men, sexual intimacy is more of a physical experience than for
women. For women it is as much an emotional experience as a physical experience.

Example: Let’s assume that your spouse does not have the same sexual desires that you do. Seek
God to grow that desire in your spouse. Also, be praying for yourself for God to give you a heart
of patience and grace as He grows your spouse’s desire.

Steps of faith: “Lord, I am asking You to grow my spouse’s desire for sexual intimacy. As You
BE my patience and give me a desire to give my spouse grace.”

3. COMMUNICATION

Communication is always a struggle in marriage. How we communicate verbally and non-

verbally directly impacts our oneness as a couples. The key component in learning how to
communicate is to learn God’s truth and seek Him to make it revelation and application
concerning your marriage. As God transforms you, you will communicate differently to your
spouse. What do I mean?

a. Instead of reacting verbally in the flesh, you will more and more respond in grace and
love.
b. As your patience grows, your knee-jerk fleshly responses will be less and less.
c. You will process what your spouse is saying through a Christ-focused grid.
d. If you are a talker, you will learn how to be a listener and vice-versa. (Remember
husbands that your wives typically speak several thousand more words than you do in a
typical day. So seek the Lord to make you a good listener.
e. You will not respond in the flesh to your spouse’s fleshly communication.
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There are many more areas we could discuss concerning the walk of faith and marriage. The key
thing to remember is:

As you walk in more CONSISTENT dependence on God you will find your
decision making, your sexual intimacy, your communication BECOMING
more CHRIST-LIKE.
This applies to EVERY other area of your marriage as well.

DAY THREE

What Will You Begin To Experience In Your Marriage?

Since the process of transformation is primarily incremental, how will I know that change is
taking place? In Romans 15:8 Paul tells us that God will confirm to us His promises:

“For I tell you that Christ became a servant of the circumcised on behalf of God’s truth in order
to confirm the promises given to our forefathers”

As you walk by faith, God will confirm the changes in your mind, will, emotions, and
behaviors. Therefore, I have listed some things that you might want to be aware of that could be
confirmation from God that He is transforming your marriage.

1. You will find yourself seeking God to unconditionally love your spouse through you.

2. You begin to experience a decreasing desire to have fleshly rights.

3. You will begin to seek your needs in Christ rather than trying to get them from your
spouse.

4. You will recognize sooner the “death” of your fleshly behavior caused by your unmet
expectations.

5. When you experience God working in you or your spouse, it will grow your Christ-
confidence in God’s ability and desire to transform your marriage.

6. You will begin to experience the truth of who you are in your true identity and will
begin making decisions based upon who you are in Christ.

7. You will begin to experience some degree of victory in an area of your life where
previously there was only defeat.

8. You will have a greater willingness to forgive your spouse, and you will find yourself
being the first one to forgive or repent.

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 9. You will begin to experience Christ-likeness (i.e. patience, compassion, selflessness,)
towards your spouse.

10. You will experience a greater willingness to depend upon God as your Source in
dealing with the conflicts in your marriage.

“The Line” and Transformation

Let’s look at what transformation looks like using “The Line” analogy. As long as you stay
below “The Line” in your flesh, you will continue being selfish, have fleshly rights, unmet
needs, etc. which produce fleshly behaviors, ongoing rejection, coping, etc. However, as you
begin taking steps of faith and move above “The Line,” you will find yourself becoming more
selfless, dying to your fleshly rights and unmet expectations, etc. which will produce Christ-like
behavior, unconditional love, harmony, intimacy, and oneness in marriage.

Faith Moves You Above The Line

Selfless - Christ-focused Christ-like behavior

Dying to your fleshly rights. Unconditional love
God-given needs are met in Christ. Resolving Conflict
Dying to your unrealistic expectations Harmony, Intimacy,
Living from your true identity.
Transformation

THE SPIRIT F
A
THE FLESH I
T

Selfish –Self-focused
H Fleshly behavior
Fleshly Rights
Ongoing rejection
Unmet Needs
Spouse is the problem
Unmet Expectations
Unresolved conflict
Unforgiveness/Unrepentance
Coping
False Beliefs About Marriage
Separation/Divorce

Remember that if you don’t walk by faith, nothing changes, and it can get worse.

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 FINAL THOUGHTS

I want to finish this study by looking at some other results that will come into your marriage as
you walk by faith.

1. You and Your Spouse Will Be Set Free Of The Rejection Cycle.

Remember how the rejection cycle works that we studied in a previous lesson? It starts when a
spouse is trying to get their expectations and needs met from the other spouse. When that goal is
blocked, the flesh says, “You are not meeting my needs, and I therefore have the right to reject
you.” However, if you are dying to your expectations and are getting your needs met in Christ,
you will no longer give your flesh an opportunity to demand its rights.

The Rejection Cycle

Spouse
Spouse #1:
#1 Spouse #2 takes
Needs
offends or Has the of
ownership
and expectations
rejects
FLESH right rejection
offense to
are not met.
Spouse #2 andreject
rejects back.

Spouse
Spouse #1#2:takes
Spouse #2 takes
Has the right
ownership of Needs#1
Spouse
ownership and
takes
of the
FLESH ownership of the
to reject
offense rejection FLESH expectations
rejection and
rejection and rejects
and rejects
back back. rejects
are not back.
met.
back.

What happens when one spouse gives in to the flesh and rejects the other spouse? For
example, the husband insists on having the fleshly “right” to be respected in certain ways. When
that respect does not come, he, in the flesh, tries to reject his wife. The wife does not have to take
“ownership” of her husband’s rejection if she is living out of her acceptance in Christ as part of
her true identity. In other words, the truth of her acceptance in Christ is able to block the
rejection. We see this illustrated in the next diagram.

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 Not Taking Ownership Of Rejection

T Spouse #2
Spouse #1 REJECTS R
Does NOT take
offends and rejects FLESH U ownership of
Spouse #2 T offense or
rejection.
H

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

Just because one spouse TRIES to reject the other spouse does not mean that
the other spouse has to RECEIVE or to take OWNERSHIP of that rejection.

2. There Will Be RESISTANCE To Your Walk of Faith!

There will be non-stop resistance from your flesh, the power of sin, and Satan. This will result
in the need to engage God to fight the fight of faith.

“For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in
opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please.” Galatians 5:17

If you have been walking in faith for any length of time, you know that there is a battle.
Galatians 5:17 tells us that there is a battle between the flesh and the Spirit. The battle looks like
this in a verse that we have studied before:

“For that which I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to
do, but I am doing the very thing I hate.” Romans 7:15

We have already discussed how the flesh creates resistance. However, there are two more
enemies that we will encounter on our walk of faith. They are the power of sin and
Satan/demons. These two enemies are in addition to your flesh and make up what I call the
“unholy trinity.” I have illustrated the “unholy trinity” on the next page:

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 The Unholy Trinity

SATAN -
Demons

Unholy
Trinity

FLESH POWER OF SIN

The Power of Sin

“But if I am doing the very thing I do not wish, I am no longer the one doing it, but (the power
of) sin which dwells in me.” Romans 7:20 (Parenthesis mine)

What is the power of sin?

THE POWER OF SIN is

an INTERNAL and ONGOING power in your life that seeks to DRAW you or
TEMPT you to live independently of God.

The power of sin within you is always tempting you to live life in your own intellect and
ability versus God’s life and power. This is a power that you cannot have victory over
because your willpower is no match for the power of sin. Therefore, if you do not engage
God’s power by faith, you will always give in to the power of sin.

Another key truth is that the power of sin is in “partnership” with your flesh. To give you a
picture of how they work together, imagine eating at your favorite restaurant. The server brings
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you the dessert tray with all of your favorite desserts. You can’t resist, so you take one or more
of the desserts. The power of sin is the server in this example, and the desserts are your personal
flesh patterns. The power of sin is always serving up a flesh pattern for you to choose to live
from.

DAY FOUR
Satan/Demonic

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy…” John 10:10a

“Be careful! Watch out for attacks from the Devil, your great enemy. He prowls around like a
roaring lion, looking for some victim to devour.” 1 Peter 5:8

I must be honest with you that early on in my Christian life in my church we did not talk
much about Satan. We spent even less time talking about demonic forces. However, in my
Christian walk, I have come to discover that Satan and his demonic forces are very real and have
an ONGOING strategy:

To STEAL, KILL, and DESTROY your walk with God,

your marriage, and your family.

Satan and his demons come against you and your spouse to:

• Constantly try to destroy your faith walk.

• Keep you in bondage to your fleshly behavior.
• Insert lying, condemning, and fleshly thoughts into your mind about you or your
spouse.
• Keep you focused on yourselves to try to solve your marital problems.

Satan’s/demon’s first objective was to keep you from being saved. Now that you are saved,
their next objective is to keep you from seeking God by faith as the Source to transform your life
and your marriage. Why? They know that if you seek Christ as your source for a Christ-centered
marriage, you will discover that these enemies are powerless as you walk in the life and power of
God.

Satan/demons know only too well God’s truth and the power of it to transform your life and
marriage. That is why Satan and his demonic forces will do everything in their power to keep
you and your spouse from knowing, believing, and being set free by God’s truth.

If Satan/demons can, they will INFLUENCE the flesh of one spouse to

keep the other spouse from walking by faith.

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3. You May Have To “FAITH IT” Before You Experience
Transformation.

For the most part in your walk of faith, you will NOT feel or experience God’s process of
transforming your life until you experience the results of that process (i.e., freedom, victory,
healing, etc.). You will be “faithing” it more for some period of time before you will begin to
experience or feel the change.

Faith Experiential
Freedom TIME Freedom
Victory Victory

I know that we talked about this earlier, but it is so hard to understand that I feel that we need
to explore it further because it is such a stumbling block in our walk of faith. It is a stumbling
block because we feel or experience life every moment through our senses. However, when it
comes to living by faith, we may not feel or experience God’s working in our lives.

I compare God’s work in your life to an IV. Let’s assume that you are in the hospital, and you
are given an antibiotic through an IV. As you sit and watch the drip, drip, drip of the IV, you
can’t feel the antibiotic working initially. However, you believe that it is working because you
have faith in the doctor who promised you that it would do what it was designed to do.
Eventually, as you are being healed you will feel the effects of that healing in your body.

In much the same way, when you start walking by faith, God’s work in you is like the IV in
that you may not feel Him working, but you know by faith that He is because that is what He
promises. I call this “faithing it.” As you walk by faith for a time (I wish I could tell you how
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much time), you will begin to EXPERIENCE the effects of God’s work in the form of freedom,
victory, healing, and transformation. The diagram below illustrates moving from “faithing it” to
actually experiencing the change.

The key is to KEEP taking steps of faith even

when you DON’T feel any change taking place.

Engaging God: Since this issue of faith versus feeling is so key to the Christian walk, ask God
to give you the willingness to continue taking steps of faith even though you are not
experiencing His working. Ask Him to BE your perseverance and patience until you do
experience some transformation.

4. Transformation Is A PROCESS.

I know that I have already said it several times, but I want to illustrate this using “The Line”
analogy. If you continue to live from the flesh below “The Line,” you will resist God’s
transforming work, and nothing will change. However, if you choose to live by faith from the
Holy Spirit and allow Christ to live His life in you, you will allow God’s transforming work in
your marriage with the result there will be harmony, intimacy, happiness, change, and
fulfillment.

If You Choose Living From The Truth Rather Than The Lie

Christ God’s Harmony

living His ALLOWS transforming RESULTS IN Intimacy
life in you work Oneness
Fulfillment
THE TRUTH
THE LIE

Living More conflict

from God’s
More rejection
the RESISTS transforming RESULTS IN
No change
flesh work Coping or worse

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 DAY FIVE
5. Experiencing Transformation Produces GOD-CONFIDENCE.

“For I am confident of this very thing that He who began a work in you will complete it until
the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6

What kind of confidence is Paul talking about? This is a God-produced confidence. Why?
Paul is testifying that he has experienced transformation to the point that he has confidence in
God’s ability and willingness to transform his life. He further confirms this in
2 Timothy 1:12:

“For this reason I also suffer these things; nevertheless I am not ashamed, for I know whom
I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep what I have committed to Him until
that Day.”

The same will be true of you as you walk by faith and experience God’s transforming work
in your marriage. As you begin to experience transformation in your marriage, it will increase
your God-confidence with the result that you will continue walking by faith.

As we walk by faith long enough to experience change in our lives,

our CONFIDENCE in GOD will grow.

Question: If you could experience what God promises to accomplish in your marriage, what
would that do for your confidence in God’s ability?

Engaging God: Ask God to begin persuading you in a deeper way of His ability and desire to
transform your life and your marriage.

This Brings You and Your Spouse To A Choice.

Whether you are aware of it or not, you are making a conscious or an unconscious choice to
either live from your flesh or to walk by faith in God in your marriage. My hope is that you will
become more intentional in your walk of faith to experience ongoing supernatural transformation
and a Christ-centered marriage.

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 Live from the flesh in your Walk by faith in God to
marriage = produce a Christ-centered
marriage = Ongoing
Ongoing conflict, no change,
transformation, increasing
coping, separation, divorce.
harmony, intimacy and
oneness
CHOICE

Moment By Moment Choice

What Choice Will You Make?

It is important to understand that during God’s transforming process you will be tempted to
turn back to the flesh when:

• You doubt God’s ability and willingness to transform your life.

• God is not meeting your timetable for transformation.
• Your spouse is not changing or not changing fast enough.

However, don’t let any of these things deter you and your spouse from:

Continuing to take ANOTHER step of faith.

When everything within you says, “Turn back, it is not working,” take another step of faith.
You will want answers from God, and when you don’t get them, take another step of faith. When
you are perplexed, confused, and bewildered about what is or is not going on in your marriage,
take another step of faith. That is why Paul says these words in the first part of Philippians 3:14:

“PRESS ON!”

The truth is that you really have NO other option than to

press on in your walk of faith in order to experience the INTIMACY, HARMONY,

and ONENESS you desire in your marriage.

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Final Word

I trust that you have learned by now that neither you nor your spouse can produce a Christ-
centered marriage. God does have it rigged when it comes to transforming your marriage. That is
why Jesus says: “I am THE WAY.” I trust that you will be willing to engage God by faith, and
watch Him take your marriage to places that you never thought were possible. In fact, I hope that
you will eventually come to the place where you will say with Paul concerning your marriage:

“He is able to do exceedingly abundantly beyond all we could ask or think

according to the power that works within us.”
Ephesians 3:20

Where Do I Go From Here?

I would encourage you and your spouse to continue learning these truths through a four part
study that I have written called Living A Transformed Life In Christ.

If you would like this study, please go to our ministry website which is
www.christislifeministries.com and look under the Store section. You will find the series called
Living A Transformed Life In Christ. You will see under this section the four parts of the
curriculum. You can purchase them online or email your order to our email address below. Or,
you can download these materials for free and reproduce as many copies as you would like. I
hope that through these studies you will continue to experience more of what God promises for
you.

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Marriage Through A Christ-Focused Grid Versus A Self-Focused Grid

Self-Focused Marriage Christ-Focused Marriage

(Living From The Flesh) (Living From Christ)

Self As The Source God As Source

Taking God's truth along with your own ability, Living from God's truth, ability, and power as
intellect, and willpower to try to produce a the one true Source to produce a Christ-
Christ-centered marriage centered marriage John 14:6; 1 Corinthians 1:30

Performance-Driven Life Faith-Dependent Life

Dependence upon formulas to follow, checklists to Trusting God by faith/dependence for Him to
complete and steps to take to produce a Christ- produce a Christ-centered marriage. John 15:5
centered marriage through your own ability.

God As The Cause & Effect of

Self-Transformation w/God's Help Transformation

Using God's truth plus God's help for you to be God is the cause and effect of His transforming
the cause and effect for transformation in your work in you and your spouse. Philippians 1:6
and your spouse.

Conflict Resolution In Self Conflict Resolution In Christ

Using human solutions, methods, formulas, Engaging God's truth and power as the solution to
and self-effort to resolve marital conflict. marital conflict. John 8:32; Ephesians 1:19, 20

Unmet Needs Met In Self Unmet Needs Met In Christ

Trying to get your God-given needs met from Drawing upon Christ to meet your God-given
your spouse or others. needs. Philippians 4:19

Flesh Justified Rights and Expectations Rights/Expectations In Christ

Justifying your fleshly rights and unrealistic Dying to your fleshly rights and unrealistic
expectations in your marriage. expectations. 2 Corinthians 4:11

Fleshly Behavior Determines Identity Your True Identity In Christ

Believing that your fleshly behavior determines your Living from who your really are in your true
identity and your spouse’s identity. identity in Christ . 2 Corinthians 5:17
A Christ-Focused Marriage Results In:

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 A Self-Focused Marriage Results In:
A marriage lived from the flesh.
A powerless marriage.
An unchanged marriage.
Continued fleshly behavior/internal misery.
Unresolved marital conflict.
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A marriage living from Christ as the Source.
Living out of your true identity in Christ.
A transforming marriage.
Couple functioning in their God-given roles.
Harmony, intimacy, oneness.
 APPENDIX

Additional Truths About Your True Identity

All Of These Lying Beliefs Make UP What I Call Your OLD Identity.
Before you were saved what you believed about yourself was your “old identity.” All of your
positive and negative lying beliefs made up your old identity. You had no choice but to live from
your lying beliefs and to stay in bondage to the fleshly behaviors that flowed from those lying
beliefs. However, God knew that for you to live from the truth He had to deal with your old
identity. Let’s see what God accomplished at salvation to deal with your old identity and to give
you a new identity.

What God Accomplished At Salvation To Give Us A New Identity

“IN” ADAM

As we mentioned in Lesson One, we inherited Adam’s spiritual condition and all the adverse
effects that came with it. Since we all came from Adam’s gene pool, we were all physically born
IN Adam.

Being born IN Adam means that before salvation we IDENTIFIED with Adam in his:

• Spiritual death – 1 Corinthians 15:22

• Separation from God and His Life and Power – Ephesians 4:18; Isaiah 59:2
• Condemnation – Romans 5:18
• Old Identity (Made up of our lying beliefs) – Proverbs 23:7
We see in the next diagram an illustration of what it looks like to be born IN Adam:

All Of Mankind Was Born “IN ADAM”

IN ADAM
(All of mankind)
The Result:
We were identified with Adam’s:
Spiritual death
Separation from God
Condemnation
Old Identity

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“IN” CHRIST

However, as a result of trusting Christ for salvation, we are NO longer identified with Adam
in his spiritual death, separation, condemnation, and old identity. At salvation God took us out of
being IN Adam and placed us IN Christ with the result that we are now identified with Christ.
As part of this process He crucified our old identity and exchanged it for a new identity
according to Romans 6:6 and 2 Corinthians 5:17.

“knowing this, that our old self (old identity) was crucified with Him, that our body of sin might
be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin.” Romans 6:6 (Parenthesis mine)

“Therefore if any man is in Christ, he is a new creation (new identity); the old things (old
identity) passed away; behold, new things (new identity) have come.” 2 Corinthians 5:17
(Parentneses mine)

Our old identity was crucified with Christ, and God gave us a new identity. This is what is
meant by taking us out of being IN Adam and putting us IN Christ. This is one of the great
miracles that God accomplishes for every person who trusts Christ. As a result, we have a NEW
identity.

At salvation, God CRUCIFIED our old identity and EXCHANGED it

for a NEW identity.

Question: If you have a new identity, does this mean that you still have to live out of an old
identity that was crucified?

Look at the diagram below to see what is true of you now that you are IN Christ:

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 God Took You Out Of Being IN Adam and
Put You IN Christ

IN ADAM IN CHRIST
Before salvation At Salvation
You Were Identified You Are Identified
With Adam’s: With Christ’s:
Spiritual death Spiritual life
Separation from God Union with God
Condemnation Righteousness
Old Identity New Identity

What Is Your New Condition Now That You Are “IN Christ?”
1. You are spiritually ALIVE.

God brought you from death to life. We see this is 1 Corinthians 15:22:
“For as in Adam all die, so in Christ all will be made alive.” 1 Corinthians 15:22

2. You are now in UNION with God.

You are no longer separated from God. You are in an inseparable union with God according
to John 14:20:

“In that day you shall know that I am in My Father, and you in Me, and I in you.”

3. You are now RIGHTEOUS!

There is another critical way that you became identified with Christ. When God crucified
your old unrighteous identity within you, He exchanged it for a righteous new identity. You are
no longer under condemnation. God made you RIGHTEOUS in your new identity!
Romans 8:10; 5:18-19; and 2 Corinthians 5:21 reveal this to us:

“for with the heart a person believes, resulting in righteousness…” Romans 8:10

“Consequently, just as the result of one trespass (sin) was condemnation for all men, so also the
result of one act of righteousness was justification that brings life for all men. For just as
through the disobedience of the one man (Adam) the many were made sinners, so also through
the obedience of the One man (Jesus) the many will be made righteous.” Romans 5:18-19
(Parentheses mine)

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“God made Him (Jesus) who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the
righteousness of God.” 2 Corinthians 5:21 (Parenthesis mine)

Have you believed the lie that you have to work FOR God to be righteous? Have you thought
that it was up to you to do (or not do) something to attain God’s righteousness? The above three
verses (and many others) tell us that we became righteous the moment that we were saved! In
other words, righteousness is not something that you earn. It is something that you receive at
salvation because God gave you a new righteous identity.

Your RIGHTEOUSNESS in Christ has nothing to do with what you do or don’t

do. It is the result of what God did IN you at salvation.

Questions: Have you believed up to this point that you had to do (or not do) something to earn
God’s righteousness? What difference might it make in your life if you no longer had to work or
strive to be righteous?
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

Meditate: on Romans 8:10; 5:18-19, and 2 Corinthians 5:21.

Engaging God: Ask God to persuade you that you are righteous based upon what He did at
salvation rather than something that you earn. It is part of the finished work that Jesus
accomplished on the cross.

It is also important to know that since you are now righteous in Christ, there is no more
condemnation from God. He will never condemn you again for your sins. Furthermore, you no
longer have to condemn yourself. Equally as important, you can no longer condemn your spouse.
Why? Look at the truth in Romans 8:1:

“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”

Now that you are RIGHTEOUS in Christ,

God NO longer condemns you, and you NO longer have to condemn YOURSELF.
And, you no longer should condemn your SPOUSE!

Question: If there is no more condemnation and you are righteous, do you have to continue
believing that God will condemn you or that you have to condemn yourself? If you are righteous
do you have the right to condemn your spouse?

Meditate: on Romans 8:1 and think about the areas in your life where you tend to condemn
yourself and your spouse.

Engaging God: Ask God to begin renewing your mind to the truth of Romans 8:1 and trust Him
to start moving you away from condemnation and to walking in your righteousness.

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4. You have a NEW IDENTITY.

God removed your old identity and exchanged it for a new one according to 2 Corinthians 5:17:

“Therefore if any man is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old things (old identity) passed
away; behold, new things (new identity) have come.” 2 Corinthians 5:17 (Parentheses mine)

We will spend the rest of this lesson talking about your new identity. Before we do, there is one
important truth to understand. Let’s look at that truth.

“IN Christ” Also Means That You Are A Partaker of The Divine Nature.

“For by these He has granted to us His precious and magnificent promises, in order that by them
you might become partakers of the divine nature…..” 2 Peter 1:4
God made you a partaker of His divine nature the moment when you were saved, and He gave
you a new identity. “Partaker” in the Greek means “one who shares.” Therefore, as a result of
your true identity in Christ, you share part of God’s divine nature. Another way of saying it is
that there are some “godly characteristics” that God is sharing with you. This does not mean that
you are becoming deity. It means that there is a part of God’s divine nature that He is sharing
with you or is imparting to you.

“PARTAKER” OF THE DIVINE NATURE

means that man can SHARE in Godly characteristics that God
IMPARTS to man at salvation.

Let’s look in the next section at some of the godly characteristics that make up our true identity.

Your True Identity In Christ

On the following page is a list of some of the characteristics of your and your spouse’s new
identity in Christ. When you read through this list, remember that “in Christ” refers to who you
are in your true identity. For example, you might read each characteristic like this: “In my true
identity in Christ, I am victorious.”

Who You And Your Spouse Are In Your TRUE Identity “IN CHRIST”
1 John 4:12 In Christ, you and your spouse are unconditionally loved. (lovers)
Colossians 3:12 In Christ, you and your spouse are compassionate, humble, kind, patient.
Colssians 2:10 In Christ, you and your spouse are complete.
Colossians 3:13 In Christ, you and your spouse are forgiving persons.
Psalm 139:14 In Christ, you and your spouse are worthy.
2 Corinthians 3:5 In Christ, you and your spouse are totally adequate.
John 15:13 In Christ, you and your spouse are sacrificial.
Romans 15:7 In Christ, you and your spouse are accepted and acceptable.
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Philippians 2:6 In Christ, you and your spouse are confident.
Philippians 2:3 In Christ, you and your spouse are one-another focused.
John 15:13 In Christ, you and your spouse are sacrificial.
Psalm 139:5 In Christ, you and your spouse are secure.
Psalm 56:4 In Christ, you and your spouse are fearless.
Ephesians 4:24 In Christ, you and your spouse are righteous and holy.
Ephesians 1:1 In Christ, you and your spouse are saints.
Galatians 5:1 In Christ, you and your spouse are free.
Psalm 28:7 In Christ, you and your spouse are strong.
1 Corinthians 2:16 In Christ, you and your spouse have the mind of Christ.
Romans 8:37 In Christ, you and your spouse are more than conquerors.
1 Corinthians 6:17 In Christ, you and your spouse are one in Christ.
1 Corinthians 15:57 In Christ, you and your spouse are victorious.
Colossians 3:12 In Christ, you and your spouse are chosen of God and dearly loved.
John 15:16 In Christ, you and your spouse are chosen by Christ to bear His fruit.
Romans 8:17 In Christ, you and your spouse are joint-heirs with Christ.
1 Peter 2:9, 10 In Christ, you and your spouse are a chosen race, a royal priesthood.
Galatians 5:22, 23 In Christ, you and your spouse are containers of all of the Spiritual fruit.
Galatians 3:26 In Christ, you and your spouse are sons and daughters of Christ.
John 15:15 In Christ, you and your spouse are friends of Christ.
Colossians 3:4 In Christ, you and your spouse are expressions of the life of Christ.
Hebrews 3:14 In Christ, you and your spouse are partakers of Christ.

In Christ, you and your spouse are God's MASTERPIECES.

Ephesians 2:10
List three of the above godly characteristics of your new identity that you would most like to
experience more of in your Christian life.
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

The next diagram gives you a visual perspective of some of the characteristics of God’s divine
nature that make up your new identity:

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 You and Your Spouse’s New Identity
Husband Wife

Human spirit Human spirit

(Identity)
Righteous, Worthy, Humble,
Unconditionally loved, Secure,
Acceptable, Patient, Forgiving,
Complete, Wise, Compassionate,
Discerning, Adequate, Thankful,
Confident, Selfless, Joyful,
Peaceful, Sacrificial
(Identity)
Righteous, Worthy, Humble,
Unconditionally loved, Secure,
Acceptable, Patient, Forgiving,
Complete, Wise, Compassionate,
Discerning, Adequate, Thankful,
Confident, Selfless, Joyful,
Peaceful, Sacrificial

Meditate: on the verses for the four characteristics of your new identity in this section. Ask God
to replace your lying beliefs with the truth of what His Word says about your identity in Christ.

Question: What are some of the characteristics listed above that you do not believe are true of
you?
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

Exercise: Read each of the characteristics of your true identity out loud. From that list, choose
five of the characteristics that you would most like to experience. Look up the verses for each of
those characteristics.
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

Meditate: on this list and ask God to begin renewing your mind to the truth of who you are in
your true identity.

Engaging God: Specifically ask God to persuade you of the scriptural truth of those five
characteristics that you would most like to experience.

KEY POINT TO REMEMBER:

How you FEEL or what you BELIEVE about the truth does not
change the fact that God’s truth is TRUE.

Expanding Our Understanding Of Your True Identity

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In Christ, You and Your Spouse Are UNCONDITIONALLY LOVED By God.

1 John 4:16 - “And we have come to know and have believed the love which God has for
us. God is love….”

Romans 8:38, 39 - “For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor
principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor
height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us
from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

You no longer have to believe that you are unlovable since God immeasurably, eternally, and
unconditionally loves you. It is His essence to do so (1 John 4:16)! He has no greater desire than
to love you because of Who He is. In addition Romans 8:38-39 clearly points out that nothing
can separate you from His love. There is nothing that you can possibly do that will change God’s
continuous flow of His love for you. Why? It is because God’s love does not depend upon who
you are or what you have or have not done. It is based solely upon Who He is. You not only can
receive God’s unconditional love, but you can also be an unconditional lover as you allow God’s
love to flow through you to your spouse.

How might it affect your marriage if you received God’s unconditional love for you, and you no
longer seek to get that need met from your spouse?
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

How might it change the way that you look at your marriage if you realized that the only Person
Who can unconditionally love you and your spouse (and unconditionally love your spouse
through you) is God?
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

In Christ, You and Your Spouse Are Totally ACCEPTED and ACCEPTABLE.

Romans 15:7 - “Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you…”

You are accepted by God and are acceptable to Him. You may feel rejected by your spouse or
in your job, but that does not change the truth that you are accepted by Him and in Him. As a
result, you no longer have to earn or perform for God’s acceptance or others’ acceptance.

The reason why a holy God can totally accept us is because He has made us acceptable. You
may feel or experience rejection coming from others, but that does not change the truth that you
are accepted by God unconditionally! This means that there is no sinful behavior too great to
cause God to reject you. (God does not condone sinful behavior, but He does not reject you
because of your sinful behavior.) As a result, you no longer have to earn (or perform for) God’s
acceptance or the acceptance of your spouse or others. You can receive God’s acceptance and be
free from rejection by your spouse and others. Believing that you are accepted in Christ will
give you the freedom to accept others unconditionally. Key Truth: If you truly walk in your
acceptance in Christ, you no longer have to take ownership of someone else’s rejection.

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Question: How might it change your marriage relationship if you believed that you would no
longer have to take ownership of your spouse’s rejection because you believe that you are totally
accepted and are acceptable to God?
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

In Christ, You and Your Spouse Are FORGIVING Persons.

Ephesians 4:32 - “Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in
Christ also has forgiven you.”

You may have been offended by another person, and you don’t feel that you have to forgive
them (or you believe that you have the right not to forgive). The truth is that you have no excuse
for not forgiving your spouse and others. Why? First, Christ forgave you unconditionally.
Secondly, in your new identity in Christ you and your spouse are forgiving persons. You and
your spouse can now draw on your forgiveness from Christ and allow Him to forgive each other
through you. It is important that you know that unforgiveness in marriage is one of the top issues
that over time will destroy a marriage. Key Truth: Whether or not you feel like forgiving is
not the issue. You can choose to forgive because that is your true identity in Christ.

Questions: Do you struggle with forgiving your spouse? Since you are a forgiving person in
Christ, do you still have the right not to forgive that person?

Question: How would it affect your marriage if you realized that in Christ you can forgive
yourself and your spouse whether or not they deserve to be forgiven?
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

In Christ, You and Your Spouse Are Totally ADEQUATE.

2 Corinthians 3:5 - “Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from
ourselves, but our adequacy is from God.”

Many people feel or believe that they are unworthy or inadequate. We look at ourselves, and
we don’t measure up to the world’s standards of worthiness. We may seek our worth in our
spouse, other relationships, our job, or in “things.” However, these things will never bring us the
adequacy or worthiness that we can only find in Christ. Knowing your worth in Christ relieves
you of the pressure of trying to find your worthiness in your spouse or in someone else or in
something else. This is Good News!

Question: How might it affect your marriage if you no longer tried to get your adequacy or
worth from your spouse?
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

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In Christ, You and Your Spouse Are Totally SECURE.

Psalm 91:14 - “Because he has loved Me; therefore, I will deliver him; I will set him securely on
high because he has known my name.”

What are you feeling insecure about? Is it your job, your marriage, or just those insecure
feelings that you have about yourself? You no longer have to feel that way because in Christ you
are totally secure. Are you trying to find security in something or someone else other than God?
The truth is that our only true security is in Christ. Since He is sovereign and is the only One
Who is truly in control, we can live from our security in Him. Therefore, if your spouse makes
you feel insecure, then you can live from your security in Christ.

Questions: Does your spouse make you feel insecure? What difference would it make in your
marriage if you really believe that you are secure in Christ?
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

In Christ, You and Your Spouse Are STRONG.

Ephesians 5:10 - “Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might.”

We all have an inner strength or resolve to deal with the issues of life. However, events,
circumstances, and relationships can rob us of that inner strength. God allows events into our life
to reveal to us that our inner strength is no match for the power of sin, the flesh, or Satan. He
reminds us that, unlike our human strength, the strength that He provides us in our true identity
can never be defeated or overcome.

Questions: What are some things in your marriage that can rob you of your inner strength? What
difference do you think that it would make in your life and in your marriage to live from Christ’s
strength?
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

In Christ, You and Your Spouse Are COMPLETE in Him.

Colossians 2:10 - “and in Him you have been made complete”

We are all born into this world with a sense of being incomplete. However, Christ Himself is
your completeness. All of God’s fullness dwells in Jesus with the result that you are complete in
Him. He is the One in Whom we are complete because of His finished work on the cross.

In Christ, You and Your Spouse Are More Than CONQUERORS.

Romans 8:37 “But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved
us.”

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 You may see yourself or your spouse as a failure, but in Christ you are both more than
conquerors. There is no problem, conflict, or adversity that Christ cannot conquer through both
of you. On the other hand, you may see yourselves as “self-sufficient” conquerors in life apart
from Christ. Since the truth is that apart from God you can do nothing (John 15:5), God loves
you enough that He will bring impossible circumstances to you to reveal your need for God.
Recognizing your weakness and inability to resolve a situation will turn you to dependence upon
God and will allow Him to conquer the situation through you.

Questions: If you feel like a failure in your marriage, does that change the truth that in Christ
you are more than a conqueror? Whether you see yourself as a failure or as a “self-sufficient”
Christian, how would it affect your marriage if you believed that you and/or your spouse are
conquerors in Christ?
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

In Christ, You and Your Spouse Are FREE.

Galatians 5:1 “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let
yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”

Romans 8:2 “For the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you through Jesus Christ from
the power of sin that leads to death.”

Take a close look at Galatians 5:1. It says that you have been set free. It is past tense! It is a
completed act. Your freedom was won at the cross. As a result, in Christ you are free from the
power of sin, from your fleshly behaviors, from legalism, and from your defeating sin patterns.
You are also free from the grip of the world and the power of Satan. In other words, you no
longer have to live as if you or your spouse are still enslaved to those things. The truth is that you
have been set free from them. The struggle that we have as spouses is that we don’t walk in that
freedom because we don’t really believe that we have been set free.

Question: From what fleshly behaviors or sin patterns that you chose in Lesson Two would you
most want to experience freedom? Refer back to the Fleshy Behaviors’ pages at the end of
Lesson Two.
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

In Christ, You and Your Spouse Have The MIND OF CHRIST.

1 Corinthians 2:16b “…we have the mind of Christ.”

What does it mean that you have the mind of Christ? It means that you and your spouse no
longer have to rely on your limited and finite wisdom, understanding, discernment, and intellect.
For every situation that you face, you can both draw on God’s infinite knowledge, wisdom,
understanding, and discernment. It is like having access to the “spiritual internet.”
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Question: What difficult situation(s) in your marriage are you presently in for which you need to
rely on Christ’s wisdom, understanding, discernment, and intellect?
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

Question: Could it be that God allows difficult situations into your marriage so that you will
need to draw upon Him as your Source for divine wisdom and understanding?

You and Your Spouse Are SAINTS.

Ephesians 2:19 “So then you are no longer strangers and aliens, but you are fellow citizens
with the saints, and are of God’s household.”

As a “saint” you no longer have to identify yourself as a sinner. God says that you are a saint.
This doesn’t mean that you never sin again. It means that in God’s eyes your identity is no longer
that of a sinner. You might say that in your true identity you are no longer a sinner, but rather
you are a saint who sometimes sins.

Question: How might it change the way that you see your spouse if you truly believed that
he/she is a saint? (Consider telling your spouse as many times a possible that he or she is a saint.)
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

Engaging God: Go back through these characteristics and began asking God to renew your mind
to these truths about your true identity.

Two Critical Things To Remember Concerning Your and Your

Spouse’s New Identities

1. Your Behavior Does Not Determine Your Identity In Christ.

You may be asking, “Even though God’s truth says that I am righteous, accepted, forgiving,
etc., my attitudes and/or behavior may tell me just the opposite. Which is true, what my behavior
tells me, or what God is telling me is true of me? ”

Even though your behavior may not always line up with what God says is true about you and
your spouse, does it change the truth of your identity in Christ? The answer is NO! As believers,
God has given you, in your human spirit, a new identity that is separate and apart from your
sinful behavior. Before salvation what you believed and how you behaved revealed your identity.

However, now that your new identity is part of God’s divine nature in you, your fleshly,
sinful behavior no longer determines who you really ARE. Consider this illustration. When I
was born into the Loveless family, I became a Loveless. It doesn’t make any difference if I am a
good Loveless or a bad Loveless; my behavior doesn’t change my identity as a Loveless. In the
same way, your identity in Christ remains unchanged by your behavior.

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Let’s look at some examples:

#1 - Even though you may choose fleshly behavior and commit an unrighteous act of being
critical or judgmental, it does not change the truth that in your new identity in Christ you are
righteous.

#2 - Your sinful behavior may lead you to an unforgiving attitude toward your spouse who has
offended you. This does not change the truth that since you are a forgiving person in Christ, you
can forgive.

Does the fact that your fleshly behavior does not determine your identity give you license to
live from your fleshly behavior? Of course not! God is never pleased with your sin in any form.
However, it is essential to understand that because of what God has done in giving you a new
identity, you have the choice to no longer live from your sinful behavior.

Questions: What are some of your sinful attitudes/behaviors that contradict your identity in
Christ? How do those sinful behaviors affect what you think about yourself and/or your spouse?
How do you think it might affect your marriage if you believed God’s truth about your new
identity?
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

Meditate: on the truth that your fleshly behavior does not determine your true identity.

As a Christian, your sinful, fleshly behavior

does NOT determine your identity in Christ.
What God says about you determines your TRUE identity.

2. Your Lying Beliefs And Feelings Do Not Determine Your Identity In Christ.

Your lying beliefs or feelings about you or your spouse don’t change the truth of who you are
in Christ. In other words, how you feel or what you believe about the truth does not change the
fact that IT IS TRUE!

Let’s look at some examples:

Lying Belief Or Feeling The Truth Of Your New Identity In Christ

You feel rejected. You are accepted and are acceptable in Christ.
(Romans 15:7)

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You believe that you are self-sufficient. Your sufficiency can only be found in Christ.
(2 Corinthians 9:8)

You don’t feel like forgiving. You are a forgiving person in Christ.
(Ephesians 4:32)

You don’t feel unconditionally God unconditionally loves you. (1 John 4:16)
loved by ________________.

Question: The question before you now is that even though what you believe and how you feel
about yourself contradicts God’s truth about you, will you believe God’s truth or your lies?

REMEMBER:
What you think or how you feel about God’s truth
does NOT change the fact that it is TRUE!

Perhaps up until now your lying beliefs and feelings have been the truth to you. However,
now that you at least understand intellectually that God has given you a new identity, He wants
you to believe His truth as opposed to what your negative feelings and lying beliefs are telling
you.

Question: How do you move from believing your lies to believing God’s truth about yourself?
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

Question: How do you think that the effects of your lying beliefs might change your marriage if
you truly believe the truth of your new identity?
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

Engaging God: Begin seeking God to persuade you that your behavior, your feelings, and your
lying beliefs do not determine your true identity.

Your sinful behavior, lying beliefs, or negative feelings

do NOT determine your true identity.
What God says is true of you is your TRUE identity.

The Line and Your True Identity

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 Hopefully the line analogy will illustrate the difference between living from the truth of your
true identity above the line versus living from your lying beliefs below the line.

The Lie Versus The Truth Of Your TRUE Identity

Unconditional Love Righteous Humble

Secure Acceptable Patient
Forgiving Fearless Complete
Compassionate Discerning Wise
Adequate Thankful Confident
Sacrificial Sufficient Selfless
Free Victorious Strong
Joyful Peaceful Good
THE TRUTH

THE LIE
Unworthy Secure in self Unacceptable
Self-confident Rejected Self-sufficient
A failure Successful Anxious
Self-reliant Inadequate In control
Weak Defeated Competent in self
Insecure Fearless Strong in self

Where do you want you and your spouse to live from?

Above or below the line?

Summary
I hope the truths in this lesson have been an eye-opener for you. I see very few Christians
walking in their true identity with the result that they are evaluating one another based on their
fleshly behavior. Therefore, I trust that you will start looking at yourself and your spouse in their
true identity.

Christ Is Life Ministries

Website: www.christislifeministries.com
Email: bill@christislifeministries.com

(1-28-12)

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