The Teachers Sexual Self

Like all living things, we are inherently sexual beings. Our sexuality is rooted in how

we understand and define ourselves, how we perceive others, and how we see the world.

Sexuality is a multi-dimensional, complex mix of physiological, interpersonal, cultural,

emotional, and psychological factors. It's important for us to reflect on all these aspects of

ourselves and the role they play, as the relationship we have with our sexuality reflects our

sexual self-esteem. And just as we talk about the value of developing healthy self-esteem, so

too, should we be paying attention to developing a healthy sexual self-esteem. As a sex

therapist, this is one of the things that I am most often asked about. So, here are some key

aspects to sexual self-esteem that in my experience, are worth exploring.

When I talk about sexual self-esteem, I'm referring to the feelings you have about your body,

and your confidence level in how you relate intimately to someone else. It's what you bring of

yourself, both emotionally and physically, to sex and relationships -- what you do with that and

how you share that with someone else. Sexual self-esteem affects every sexual choice you

make -- who you choose to have sex with and when, whether you limit yourself sexually and

how, and whether you choose to use protection or not.

1. Feelings about your body: How you feel about your body affects your ability to

express yourself sexually.

Our bodies house our sexuality -- it is through the body, essentially, that sexuality finds

expression. So being aware of just how we feel about our bodies, is revealing. A client once

described her anxiety about how her stomach looked when she sat on top of her partner. She

shared that she would either suck in her stomach or try to reposition herself so that it appeared

flat. The focus on her stomach took her out of the sexual moment and instead of the pleasure

and connection she wanted with her partner, she instead felt like a spectator to her sexual

experience. Her partner sensed that she was disconnected and interpreted it as a lack of

attraction to him and a lack of interest in sex. As a result, both gradually stopped initiating sex
and they began to lose their sexual connection. So, clearly, our internal voice about our body,

echoes loudly. Of course, the way we see our body is highly influenced by magazines,

billboards, TV and web ads that offer us idealized images of what our bodies 'should' look like,

even though these images have little relationship to what most of us actually do look like.

Do a body scan: It's worth taking time to reflect on how you feel about your body --

every part of it. Think about what parts you like and dislike. Are there parts that you feel

ashamed of? Reflect on all of it, as a lack of confidence can show up in subtle ways. Don't

forget your genitals. How do you feel about them? My experience as a sex therapist has shown

me how influenced people are today by the mainstreaming of porn, so that both men and

women compare themselves to what they see -- comparing labia, breasts, penis size. Is this

something you do?

And then ask yourself: Who gets to decide how you feel about your body? Cosmopolitan?

Your co-worker, the stranger at the gym? Who owns your body? Does that billboard you drive

past every day challenge your self-acceptance. This kind of self-awareness gives you the

opportunity to think about these fixed ideas you may have about your body, and with that,

begin to do things differently.

2. Your sexual narrative: The stories we have and hold on to.

We all have sexual stories that begin in early childhood, and these stories influence our later

sexuality. The stories come out of the way sex was spoken about (or not) in the family; the

religious or cultural ideas about sex in communities; how your caregivers felt about their bodies

and showed affection to one another; the experience of touch; first experiences of

masturbation, etc. Some sexual stories generate feelings such as shame, guilt and anxiety. Is

this how it feels for you?

Here's what can help.

Get to know your sexual story: Did you talk about sex in your family or community?

When you were growing up, what attitude was communicated to you about the different parts
of your body? For example, when you were a baby and naming parts -- eye, nose etc. -- were

your genitals given a cute name or simply called "privates" and were you told that they were

not to be spoken about or touched? What kind of relationship could you expect to have with a

nameless, often ignored or just shameful body part? What kind of effect did these experiences

have on you?

Form new narratives: Challenge your ideas and beliefs about your sexuality. (Do they

continue to work for you? Are they helpful?) Becoming aware of what has influenced you,

gives you the power to develop new ways to tell your sexual story

3. Communication: Communication is the foundation of a great sex life.

We spend a lot of time worrying about technique -- we read books and magazine articles that

promise all sorts of results if only you do this or that. And then we spend most of our time in

bed worrying about whether we remembered the "right" move. People come in to my office

and ask how they can improve technique. My response is to say that they shouldn't worry

about what they think their partner thinks of their sexual skills, and should rather just

communicate! Talk to your partner. Ask, 'Does what I'm doing feel good?' or say 'I like it when

you do ...'. Because we are unique individuals, each of us has a unique sense of what feels

good for us. So you won't know for sure unless you ask! And don't assume that your partner

will know what feels good for you either. You need to communicate what you like or what turns

you on. Your primary sexual relationship is with yourself. It is not your partner's responsibility

to know what feels good for you.

Here's what can help.

Reflect on your feelings about sharing your sexual preferences: How do you feel about

communicating what you like or want? Do you judge yourself for what you like? Withholding

that information can certainly lead to a dissatisfying sexual experience. You may feel more

vulnerable talking about sex in bed, so it's worth having conversations outside of the bedroom.
And when you do, be sure to make eye contact, listen without judgement, acknowledge what

your partner is saying. And if you're not sure of something, ask.

4. Sex and Meaning. Sex means different things to different people.

Lastly, there's sex and meaning. What does sex mean to you? Sex itself is just a body part

doing something to another body part -- perhaps it's a finger doing something to an anus or

lips doing something or a tongue or maybe it's just a penis into a vagina -- there's no intrinsic

meaning to these actions, just the physical mechanism of movement. But as humans, we are

meaning makers-we make meaning out of everything and we attach a LOT of meaning

particularly to sex. Sex can mean power, connection, physical pleasure, a declaration that now

we're a couple. It can be a bargaining point or the symbol of a contract - in short, it can mean

as many different things as there are people in the world. And so of course, sex can mean

completely different things to the two people in a relationship, and people rarely discuss their

respective meanings. For example, a client of mine, eager to be in a committed relationship,

usually had sex with men on the second date. She often didn't hear back from the men she

had just slept with and this confused her. For her, sex was an expression of emotional intimacy

and she assumed it was for her sexual partner as well. It often feels too difficult or simply

doesn't occur to a couple to discuss what sex means to each of them before having it.

Here's what can help.

Take a moment to think about what sex means to you. Be clear with both yourself and

a partner before a sexual encounter, about just what exactly you're about to do, means to both

of you. It's okay to have different meanings, it's just helpful to have the information in order to

make a clear sexual decision.

What I've offered you here are some key points to consider and reflect on. They are the

fundamental ideas that repeatedly show up in my work with clients. I encourage you to use

them to really think about the way you relate to your body, your internal dialogue about sex,

and how you express your sexual needs. The more self-acceptance you have about your
sexuality -- the whole thing, every stretch mark, dimple and saggy buttocks, every fantasy and

desire -- the more engaged your sexual experience and sexual satisfaction.