Course Outline:

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Linguistic Definition of Tarbiyyah:

The word tarbiyyah carries several meanings

1. ‘Increase’ and ‘growth’: ؕ‫ت‬ ٰ ‫… الرِّ ٰبوا َوي ُۡر ِبى الص‬and gives increase for charities. (Sūrat al-
ِ ‫َّدَق‬
Baqarah, 2:276).
2. ‘Establish’, according to al-Fayruzabadi.
3. ‘Protecting’, ‘caring’, ‘educating’ and ‘providing’, according to Ibn Manẓur.
4. ‘Discipline’ and ‘correction’, according to Ibrahim Muṣṭafa
 Why Parenting?
If you have kids then it doesn’t make you a parent. Being a parent it requires some other
abilities too.
The Prophet Muhammad SAW said,
“When a man dies, his action discontinues from him except three things, namely, perpetual
sadaqah (charity), or the knowledge by which benefit is acquired, or a pious child who prays
for him.” [Sunan Abi Dawud]
In another Hadith, Prophet Muhammad SAW said, "Whoever is given daughters and spends
on them and treats them well - surely God will reward him in paradise."
َ
‫الرج‬
َّ ‫عيَّتِهِ َو‬
ِ ‫َن َر‬ ٌ ‫سئُو‬
ْ ‫لع‬ ْ ‫م‬ َ َ‫اع وَهُو‬ ٍ ‫اس َر‬
ِ َّ ‫ير الذِي عَلى الن‬
َ َّ ُ ‫م‬ ِ َ ‫عيَّتِهِ فَاأل‬ ِ ‫َن َر‬ ْ ‫لع‬ ٌ ‫سئُو‬ ْ ‫م‬ َ ‫م‬ْ ُ ‫اع َوكُلُّك‬ ٍ ‫م َر‬ ْ ُ ‫أال َ كُلُّك‬
‫ِي َمسْ ُئولَ ٌة َع ْن ُه ْم‬ ِ ‫علَى أَهْ ِل َب ْي ِت ِه َوه َُو َمسْ ُئو ٌل َع ْن ُه ْم َو ْال َمرْ أَةُ َراعِ َي ٌة َعلَى َب ْي‬ 
َ ‫ت َبعْ لِ َها َو َولَ ِد ِه َوه‬ َ
Beware! Every one of you is a shepherd and every one is answerable with regard to his
flock. The Caliph is a shepherd over the people and shall be questioned about his subjects
(as to how he conducted their affairs). A man is a guardian over the members of his family
and shall be questioned about them (as to how he looked after their physical and moral
well-being). A woman is a guardian over the household of her husband and his children and
shall be questioned about them (as to how she managed the household and brought up the
children)
Islam considers children one of the greatest gifts and blessings humanity is endowed with
and the prophets and messengers, from time immemorial, asked Allah for righteous
offspring.
Aʾishah raḍi’Allah ʿanha narrated,
‘Indeed, your children are Allah’s gift for you’ (al-Hakim).
Goals of Tarbiyyah:
Activity:
Think of 3 important attributes of a good parent.
1. ______________________________
2. ______________________________
3. ______________________________

How Emotionally Immature Parents Affect Their Adult Children’s Lives.

Emotionally Mature Parents
They make children feel that they always
have someone to go to.
They genuinely seeks to know their child,
without judging.
More importantly, they’re emotionally
attuned to their children, noticing their
children’s moods and welcoming their
feelings with interest.
Mature parents make their children feel
that they enjoy engaging with them and
that it’s fine to talk about emotional issues.
Emotionally Immature Parents
They are so self-preoccupied that they
don’t notice their children’s inner
experiences.
They’re uncomfortable with their own
emotional needs and therefore have no
idea how to offer support at an emotional
level.
They may even become nervous and angry
if their children get upset, punishing them
instead of comforting them.
When the children of emotionally immature
parents grow up, the core emptiness
remains, even if they have a superficially
normal adult life.

Consequences of Emotionally Immature Parenting:

1. Feeling Guilty for Being Unhappy
2. Not Trusting Your Instincts
3. Lacking Self-Confidence Due to Parental Rejection
4. Childhood Loneliness Beneath Adult Success

Children do not listen with their ears. They listen with their eyes.
- Yawar Baig
Suppose your children are given the following list. How are they likely to respond? Reflect
on each statement critically and write yes or no which you think as their response. Be
honest. You have to look at yourself through your children’s eyes.

 My parent often reacted to when something go against their will.

 My parent didn’t express much empathy or emotional awareness.
 When it came to emotional closeness and feelings, my parent seemed
uncomfortable and didn’t go there.
 My parent was often irritated by individual differences or different points of view.
 My parent often said and did things without thinking about people’s feelings.
 I didn’t get much attention or sympathy from my parent, except maybe when I was
really sick.
 My parent was inconsistent—sometimes wise, sometimes unreasonable.
 If I became upset, my parent either said something superficial and unhelpful or got
angry and sarcastic.
 Conversations mostly centered on my parent’s interests.
 Even polite disagreement could make my parent very defensive.
 It was deflating to tell my parent about my successes because it didn’t seem to
matter.
 Facts and logic were no match for my parent’s opinions.
 My parent wasn’t self-reflective and rarely looked at his or her role in a problem.
 My parent tended to be a black-and-white thinker, and unreceptive to new ideas.

Summary
Lack of emotional loneliness is challenging for both children & adults. Parental disconnect
will create emptiness in the children which results in a negative manner in one or the other
and it might create a pattern for them when they will become adults.
Things your need know about your child:
1. Who are you child’s favorite people and friends?
2. What has made them your child’s favorite?
3. What are the top 3 worries of your child?
4. What are the top 3 wishes of your child?
5. What are the five major interests of your child?
6. What does your child like about himself?
7. What does your child doesn’t like about himself?
8. What are your child’s academic anxieties/fears?
9. What are the three phrases that your child does not want to hear?
10. What does your child like about you?
How to work on your Emotions:
 Stop Expectations from Others
 Be Vigilant about your Emotional State
 Evaluate Your Desires Critically
 Identify Your Emotional Triggers*
 Use Positive Self-Talk
 Find Birds of a Feather
 Forgive Others

Emotional Triggers

 Attention  Love  Be in control

 Comfort  Safety  Be right
 Freedom  Acceptance  Be treated fairly
 Peacefulness  Respect  Predictability
 Balance  Be Liked  Included
 Consistency  Be Understood  Fun
 Order  Be Needed  New Challenges
 Variety  Be Valued  Autonomy