TheYellingCure 012319 FINAL PDF

THE
YELLING
CURE
HOW TO FEEL LESS STRESSED AND
GET YOUR KIDS TO COOPERATE
WITHOUT THREATS & PUNISHMENTS
ROBBIN McMANNE
DEDICAT ION
My Loved Ones
To Parker and Aiden. I love you both more than

words can say. I’m thankful every day to be your
mom and have you in my life! You have both filled
my heart with so much love and joy. You’ve both
taught me so much and it makes me want to be a
better person, so I can be the best mom I can be for
you.
To Cory. I’ve loved you for over half my life and I

can’t think of a better man to share the highs and lows
of parenting with. Thank you for loving me when I
couldn’t love myself and for supporting me in making
the biggest life change: becoming a Parent Coach. You
are my favorite person on this earth and I feel so lucky
to be married to you.
To my beautiful tribe of friends and family, who loved

me through my darkest time, when I was less than
lovable. I have never felt so loved and supported by
you, and I’m so grateful for it. I am especially thankful
for all the support you have given me in my career as
a Parent Coach, and for coming to my events, talks,
and letting me talk endlessly about my work! I love
you all so much!
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CCHAPTER
HAPTER
1
CHAPT ER 1
The Shame Cycle is
Meant to Be Broken
I was caught in an endless shame cycle, one that I

recognized but had no way of pulling myself out of it.
My oldest son, then 6, and I were fighting nonstop. He

was prone to angry outbursts, was extremely resistant
and unwilling to cooperate with most things, even the
simplest of tasks. He was very argumentative. Every
moment felt like an exhausting tug-of-war, a battle I
lost time and time again.
I was so frustrated and overwhelmed. Most of all, I was

MAD. Downright furious, on most days.
I would lose my temper all the time in frustration, and

I would yell and scream at both of my boys. I was so
desperate for cooperation that the only thing I knew
how to do was to get mad.
After the anger subsided, the weight of my emotions

would hit me. My stomach would clench from the
guilt. I would sob and sob. I’d look at myself in the
mirror and say, “I’m a horrible mother. I’m not the
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The Shame Cycle is Meant to Be Broken
mother I thought I would be.”
Then, I’d pick myself off the floor and vow to do

something about it. Next time, I would practice
patience. Next time, I’d take a deep breath instead of
yelling. Next time, I would be the mother I always
thought I would be.
“I can do this!” I psyched myself up.
Until…
It happened again. I’d lose my temper, usually

because of the actions of my strong-willed oldest
child, and later, I would fall apart again with guilt and
regret.
I’ll share more of my story in a bit, but spoiler alert: I

did eventually break the cycle. If you are in the same
place as I was, I want you to break your cycle, too.
There is hope, and a better way. I can’t wait to share
with you the lessons I learned along the way, and how
I now parent from a place of peace and connection.
In this book I want to share with you things you

probably didn’t know about your kids and yourself. I
will guide you to understanding your kids, yourself,
and give you the tools so you don’t feel so frustrated
and overwhelmed.
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The Shame Cycle is Meant to Be Broken
The fact is, there are many reasons we yell at our

kids, from our own overwhelm, to how our kids
bring out our anger. I’ve written this book so that
you have a better understanding of the many areas
that lead you to feeling so frustrated and angry that
you resort to yelling and threatening.
By the end of this book, I will leave you feeling so

much more confident as a parent, and you will see
that there is no need to yell or threaten your kids!
Instead, there’s a much better way.
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CCHAPTER
HAPTER
2
CHAPT ER 2
Hope is Coming for
You, Too
Before I delve deeper into how I overcame my anger-

shame cycle, let me tell you a little about myself. My
name is Robbin McManne.
I have a PhD from the School of Strong Willed Boys

(x2). My boys are now 13 and 10 years old. As any good
PhD student knows, your educators make the
difference, and my boys have been my greatest
teachers, despite putting me through the ringer here
and there.
I met my wonderful husband when I was just 15 years

old when he trained me how to make Big Macs at
McDonald's. After parting ways, we reunited 10 years
later and have now been married for 14 years and
counting.
My experiences as a parent inspired me to become a

peaceful parenting coach. I received my training and
certification from the Jai Institute for Parenting and
have worked with a wide range of parents from
Canada and The United States. This work is my true
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Hope Is Coming For You, Too
calling, and I couldn’t imagine a more fulfilling and

exciting career path.
Before this, however, I juggled a full-time corporate

career in Marketing and Community Relations for
McDonald’s Restaurants in Canada for more than 12
years. Managing the stress of this job while being a
mom to my boys was, at times, totally overwhelming
and contributed to my anger escalating at times.
At the time, I was struggling so much as a mom

when I was at home that I actually preferred
working to being with my boys.
Because at work, I received the validation and success I

didn’t feel like I was getting as a mom. However, I had
always thought of myself as a warm, fun and generous
person and wanted to be a mom so badly, but the
internal struggle I told you about earlier was brewing
inside of me.
Now that you understand a bit of my backstory, let’s

pick up where we left off – when I was caught in the
vicious cycle of anger, guilt, remorse and back to
anger.
For me, things really hit a head in 2010. This was the
year Vancouver hosted the Olympics. As a corporate
marketer working for a global sponsor like
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McDonald’s, it’s an all-hands-on-deck, work-round-

the-clock season that’s difficult to describe. It’s
intense.
This was also the time that we noticed that my oldest

son was really struggling with anxiety. To make
matters more difficult, I fell into a depression.
I didn’t know this at the time, but since, my son has

been diagnosed with a lot of acronyms like ADHD,
ODD, OCD and learning disabilities. Life has been
such a struggle for him -- and for us as a family.
When 2010 rolled around, I was depressed, maxed out

at work and not the best version of myself. My son was
also not his best version, and we argued constantly.
You can probably imagine what a battleground our
household was at the time.
I also had the added shame of not wanting those

around me to see I was falling apart. I didn’t want to be
perceived as someone who didn’t know how to parent
my boys. I couldn’t bear the thought of others seeing
me struggle.
But I knew with every cell in my body that this wasn’t

what I wanted, and that was ultimately the catalyst for
change. So very slowly and carefully, I began reaching
out for help. I sought counseling, read books and
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watched any shows I could on parenting.
However, I was still struggling to get the answers I was

seeking.
When I talked to therapists, they didn’t help because

they gave me tools that didn’t make any sense and
only made him more angry. Counting 1-2-3 and then
imposing a consequence was a total fail for my oldest
son when therapists promised it could work magic. It
ended up triggering him more, as he would beg to go
back to 1 if he was on 2 or try to negotiate his way out.
Books didn’t help either. Many of them made me feel

worse, and clearly told me I was doing everything
wrong.
Even shows like Dr. Phil reinforced my feelings of

being a failure. I once heard him say to his guests who
were parents: “You are the parent or the adult. Start
acting like it!”
But I didn’t know how. Don’t get me wrong; I love Dr.

Phil, but the show did nothing for my attempts to
become a better parent. Meanwhile, my depression
deepened, and I was desperate. I often was on my
knees praying for help, begging for something to
come into my life to help me.
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At my lowest point, I stumbled across Peaceful

Parenting and the notion of hiring a Parent Coach.
Peaceful Parenting spoke to me in a way that none

of the other parenting resources did.
I tried implementing some of the principles on my

own, but then I met a wonderful mom who was a
Parent Coach and ended up hiring her.
THIS was the change for me.
This is where I started to really understand why I was

so angry. I began to learn how to communicate with
my boys in another way so that they could hear me
and cooperate. This particular set of tools have worked
especially well with my oldest son as he has been
working through his challenges.
I’m able to understand his needs so much better, talk

to him about how I can support him and work with
him to get him to cooperate.
I’m telling you all of this because whatever it is that

you’re going through, there is a way out. You don’t
have to suffer in silence and in shame. The tools I use
in my life and the lessons in this book will absolutely
help you with your kids whether they are “typical” or
have extra needs.
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I have really and truly gone from crying every day to

connecting, and it feels amazing! We are so much
happier as a family, and we have the harmony that we
always wanted. My son even says we’re like a
designer family -- the kind of family everyone wants!
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CCHAPTER
HAPTER
3
What’s Going On In
That Head Of Theirs?
Whenever we talk about anger – where it comes

from, why it bubbles up and how we feel so out of
control – we need to first talk about the brain. It all
starts with brain science.
Let’s start with our kids. Our children are born with
brains that are mostly undeveloped when they are
born, and they don’t fully mature until the age of 24.
For the entire time they live at home, we as parents
are dealing with brains that are not yet fully
developed.
Undeveloped brains (children) living in a household

with one or two adult brains (parents) alone is bound
to create some stressful situations.
Brain science is the foundation of Peaceful Parenting.

In order for me to help parents understand their
children, we start with the brain.
For this book, I’m not going to go into any great

detail on the inner workings of the brain, but I’ll give
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What's Going On In That Head Of Theirs
you some fundamentals that every parent should

know.
One way to simplify the complex workings of the

brain is to look at the brain as having three main
areas: lower, middle and higher.
The lower area of the brain is the area that is most

developed when a baby is born. We call this area of
the brain the alarm center because its main job is to
promote survival. This is where the brain tells the
body it's hungry, controls breathing, circulation and
responds to danger with the fight, flight or freeze
instinct.
The next area of the brain is the middle area, or

emotional brain. In this area, we focus primarily on
the amygdala since it’s the emotional center of the
brain. This is the place for feelings, feelings, and
more feelings! It also houses memory and a sense of
self.
Children from birth to 7 years old are living in the

middle brain, the emotional center.
This is so helpful to understand because knowing

our children are operating primarily from their
emotional center of their brain for the first seven
years of their lives allows us to understand this,
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simple truth: they are just acting their age!
The third area of the brain, the higher area of the

brain, is the rational center and is also known as the
neocortex, or frontal lobes. This is the area that
manages reason and rational thought, problem
solving, creativity, imagination, kindness, empathy
and concern. In other words, all the good stuff that
makes us kind, interesting and mature adults. This
area of the brain rapidly begins development around
7 years old and doesn’t fully develop until about the
age 24.
It’s important to note that even as adults, we don’t

always live in our higher brains. We are sometimes
triggered to be in our middle brains.
When we take this information about the three areas

of the brain, and use it to understand meltdowns (at
any age), which area of the brain do you think that
behaviour comes from? If you said the middle, you
are correct!
Since the lower brain is fight, flight or freeze, and

the middle is the emotional center of the brain, this
is where your child is in their brain.
All meltdowns occur in the middle brain. For young

children, they’re already in that brain center. For
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adults, meltdowns (like bursts of anger) mean they

have moved out of the higher brain down to the
middle brain. This is because the higher center of the
brain shuts down.
Remember, the higher brain is where reasoning and

rational thought lives. When it’s shut down, we can’t
access these valuable things. It’s no wonder we get
irrational displays of emotions from our children --
and sometimes parents!
As parents, if we keep our calm, we are able to parent

from our higher brain with calmness, empathy, and
compassion. But, when we are triggered, and angry,
where do you think we are parenting from? If you said
middle brain again, you are correct again!
Since your child is in their emotional center, their

middle brain, there is no way to reason with them
because they can’t even access the reasonable part of
their brain.
And the same goes for you: if you are triggered, you
can’t access your higher brain.
When our kids are very young, they don’t have enough
brain development to be able to consistently maintain
an emotional balance. We need to consider this, as
parents, because it means it’s that much more
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important to maintain our emotional balance to

support our children to help them regain balance.
When you, as a parent, are in your middle brain, and

you’re trying to parent your middle-brain child, is this
the time to access reasoning and empathy? No!
This isn’t the time to parent your child because there is

simply no way you will get through to them. Brain-
wise, it’s not possible for them. What happens when we
try is we ramp up the yelling and the volume and scare
our children into doing what we want. This creates
broken communication and hurts your relationship
with your child.
I remember being really frustrated at my son for not

wanting to do his homework. This is a major trigger
for me (more on triggers later).
I was getting frustrated with him because I thought he

was playing dumb and stalling. Since I was so
uncomfortable being patient for him to work through
a quick homework sheet that was taking too long, I lost
it on him. I was triggered.
Did that help him finish his work? Um, no. It just made
him upset, which meant he couldn’t do his work,
which made me even more mad. I had moved from
my higher brain down to my middle brain.
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Then, I got so mad, I grabbed his sheet and crumpled it

up and went to throw it in the garbage. My son was
crying, and I was acting like a monster.
That’s when I snapped out of my rage. What had I done?

My was totally irrational! I felt the rage
subside and embarrassment filling that space.
Why? Because now, on top of the homework not being

done, I had to explain why he was handing in a sheet of
paper that had clearly been crumpled up and smoothed
out.
I was terrified his teacher would learn the truth,

which I believed was that I was a bad mom.
What about my son? Once I calmed down, I apologized

to him. But this situation (and similar ones from times
before) had left a mark on him. To this day, he hates
homework. It’s been a big issue where his teachers have
to create workarounds for him to avoid giving him
homework because he just can’t do it.
I will say, these incidents happened before I knew he had

learning disabilities, which only makes me feel worse
now. I wish I had been able to keep my cool, be present,
and more understanding so we could get through it
peacefully.
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CCHAPTER
HAPTER
4
CHAPT ER 4
What Are These
Meltdowns About?
Let’s dig deeper and really examine meltdowns.
You may have different names for them like

tantrums, freak-outs, outbursts or breakdowns. To
me, they all mean the same thing. Whatever you call
them in your home, they are all the same because
they are NOT behaviour. Rather, they are
EMOTIONS that are out of control.
Remember that in the brain, when we are in our

emotional middle brain, we lose connection with our
higher brain where reasoning and rational thought
live.
That’s why I say, in that moment, it is not the time to

parent.
How many times have you told your child, in the

middle of a meltdown, to “use your words” or “what’s
the matter?” or “just stop?” Believe me, they can’t!
They can’t tell you or just stop; instead, the meltdown
needs to run its course. It’s not that they refuse to
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What Are These Meltdowns About?
stop the meltdown or are unwilling. They just physically

can’t.
I can’t help but think about my own meltdown over my

son’s homework. If my husband had come in and asked
me to use my words, or “just calm down,” I think I would
have raged more! In that moment, I had lost all capacity
to access rational thought! That’s why I grabbed his
paper and crumpled it up – talk about an irrational
action from the middle brain.
So if we wouldn’t behave this way toward an adult, why

do we feel we need to do it to our kids? Instead, we need
to look at meltdowns in a different way.
The single biggest piece of information that helped me

become a peaceful parent and helped me to stop yelling
is when I learned this:
Every meltdown, tantrum or angry outburst was my

child trying to get a need met.
The truth is that our kids often operate from their best
intention to get their needs met, even if it’s not liked by
the parent.
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Wait, what?
Every feeling comes from your child trying to get one of

their basic human needs met. They aren’t intentionally
trying to be bad, naughty or wrong.
Look, I know how hard it is to sit through crying and

tantrums. I totally get it. But I’m here to tell you their
meltdowns have NOTHING to do with us as parents. Our
kids are in their own space with their unique emotions,
trying to get a need met. We need to remember that our
kids have emotions that are as real to them as ours are to
us. Even if they are upset about something
inconsequential as a broken balloon, their emotions are
as real and big, just as we experience them as adults.
When I learned this, in the moment of a meltdown

from one of my boys, I stopped and recognized he
wasn’t trying to manipulate me. Rather, he needed
something he didn’t have. I’m not talking about a toy or
something external/material. An unmet need is usually
more basic: needing attention, needing affection and
needing empathy are just a few examples (more on this
later).
When a meltdown occurs in my home, I can see my

boy’s emotions are out of control, so I don’t try to stop it
(no matter how uncomfortable I may be and how many
people may be looking at me). I recognize he needs some
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space to feel his feelings, then I look for what’s missing. I

try to go about finding what he needs in that moment.
I’m not Mom during the meltdown; I’m a detective.
There is another important point to consider with our

kids and misbehaviour or meltdowns.
Our kids would much rather cooperate than be

disobedient. But the reason they don’t cooperate is
because they don’t have the skills or strategies to do what
you, as a parent, want them to do. We need to look at our
kids’ behaviour as communication, telling us what they
still need to learn. For example, we may be asking them
to tell us how they feel, but they don’t yet have the skills to
share that information. That leads to frustration, which
can lead to a meltdown.
If we look at it this way, we can parent them with so

much more compassion, patience and understanding.
This naturally shifts our focus from frustration and
looking at them as being “bad,” “annoying,”
“troublemaking,” etc., and to look at them as simply
needing help. It’s our job as a parent to find ways we can
teach, nurture and support them.
When we parent this way, we are raising kids who aren’t

shamed for their behaviour, but are embraced based on
their needs and developmental stages. This, in turn,
creates kids who grow into adults that have more
confidence and resilience and lead rich, happier lives.
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CCHAPTER
HAPTER
5
CHAPT ER 5
What is My Kid Really
Trying to Tell Me?
Our kids are always communicating with us, and we

may not even realize it. I mentioned this point in the
chapter before and used a meltdown to show how they
might be trying to express themselves.
If this is true, that our kids are always communicating

with us, how the heck do we figure out what they are
saying?
One way is to look at their “bad” behaviour as them

telling us the skills and strategies they do not yet
have, like I mentioned earlier.
I also mentioned that every meltdown is your child

trying to get one of his or her basic human needs met.
So what exactly does that mean?
When we look at human needs, let’s presume the basic

needs of food, shelter and safety have been met. From
there, we can identify eight basic human needs of a
child.
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What is My Kid Really Trying to Tell Me?
1. Unconditional love
The unconditional love kids need at this age is the

unconditional love from their parents. They need a
sense of being loved, being lovable and not having to
earn it. This is love that is theirs simpl because they
have been born. Nothing can change it, not behaviour,
grades, achievements or choices. This is the feeling
that above all else, they are loved and deserve to be
loved. All children need and crave this kind of love.
2. Connection
We all need connection with others. As humans, this is

the way we are wired. Our kids need connections with
other trusted adults from extended family, friends,
teachers and coaches. Strong connections give our
kids a sense of belonging. We all need a tribe of
people to lift us up and share our celebrations.
3. Attention
We often blame and shame our kids for “needing

attention.” But they really do need our attention! Let’s
stop blaming and shaming them for needing it. Our
kids need our physical presence, but they also need
our undivided attention. I know in our busy lives it’s
not always easy, but when you give your child your
attention, they feel loved, important, secure and
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worthy. When you give them your attention without

judging them or criticizing them, it is a game-changer
in your relationship because they can feel the
authenticity of your intention to be with them in their
world.
4. Appreciation
This is essential for all of us. We all know what it’s like
not to feel appreciated, and how much that hurts.
With this need, it’s not appreciation that needs to be
earned from external sources; it’s you, as a parent,
taking time to appreciate your child for their smile,
presence, playfulness, innocence and love. If you
think about it, there are endless ways to appreciate
your child, and it’s important that you find authentic
ways to show them that they are enough just as they
are. I’m sure most of us weren’t raised with this value,
but can you imagine what a difference that would
have made in your life if you were appreciated for just
being you?
5. Empathy
Sometimes we forget how much our kids lack in

experience, and how they look at the world in all the
newness that they see it in. Empathy is the ability for
us to put ourselves in their shoes and look at the world
the way they do. We need to remember that the world
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of ‘giants’ can be scary and confusing, and they come

into this world without a fully grown brain! Empathy
is about you being able to go to your kids and
recognize that their emotions are important to them
EVEN if it’s something as small as a broken balloon.
With empathy, we don’t try to change how they feel
or judge their feelings. We allow them to feel their
feelings (easier said than done sometimes, I know).
There is magic in empathy because when they feel
our empathy, they relax and are able to move on
much faster. How amazing is it to feel like someone
really gets you? When was the last time you felt
“gotten”? Do you remember how that felt? What a gift
to give this to your child.
6. Affection
Our kids need physical touch and hugs, kisses and

cuddles. Studies have shown that kids who receive
more cuddles are more likely to grow up to be
healthier, less depressed, kinder, more empathetic
and more productive adults. It also points to how
children who grow up with more affection have better
coping skills. Affection builds a close relationship
between you and your child where they feel safe,
loved and accepted.
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What is My Kid Really Trying to Tell Me ?
7. Growth
We need to allow our kids the space to grow and

experience new and different things. We need to
allow them to explore and not hold them back. If you
think of your child as a little scientist, testing cause
and effect, exploring and being curious about the
world around them makes it much easier to
understand this need. We need to let them figure
things out for themselves (age appropriately)
because when they do, it builds their confidence and
self esteem. Sometimes they need a little
encouragement from us to push them to grow, but
when they succeed, you will see them bursting with
excitement.
8. Independence
Ultimately our children will grow up to be adults and

move away from us. This is the plan so we need to
give them the space to be away from us. We want our
kids to have the confidence to go out into the world
without a safety net. In the early years, we see our
kids’ need for independence when they want to do
things on their own: tie their own shoes, walk on their
own or slide without you holding on to them. When
we give them independence, things will not always go
their way, but this is a part of their growth. And when
they are upset that something didn’t go their way,
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what do you do? Give them EMPATHY!
Can you see that when your child does not have their
needs met, they are going to feel more anxious, angry,
fearful, and uncooperative? When your child is
getting their needs met, they are much more calm,
happy, secure, comfortable and naturally easier to
parent and more cooperative.
I hope you can see that getting your child’s needs met
isn’t indulgent or going to spoiling them, rather, it helps
you build a strong connection and relationship with
your child that allows you to enjoy them so much
more!
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CCHAPTER
HAPTER
6
CHAPT ER 6
Where to Draw the Line
and What to Let Go?
Let’s face it. Our lives are busy and our kids’ lives are
busy! Not only are we busy, but we are stressed.
In fact, if we look at parents between the ages of 34

to 47 (Generation X), they have been identified as the
most stressed-out generation.
What happens when you have stressed out parents?

You get stressed out kids. Stress is contagious, and we
are seeing reports that depression and anxiety in
children is rising and nearly one-third of high school
students say they feel sad or hopeless.
What can we do about this, for us and for our

children?
We need to look at the stress and overwhelm as an

invitation to look at everything we have going on.
I’m not talking about making major shifts, but small
ones to start. Instead of adding another activity, what
can you take away? What is non-essential that could
be contributing to overwhelm?
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Where to Draw the Line and What to Let Go?
My kids play hockey, and I see how easy it is to fill

their schedules with extra practices, power skating
lessons, dryland training, shooting clinics, and on and
on. I see kids who are busy every night and have early
morning practices that start as early as 5:30 a.m.!
I know parents have the best intentions and want to

give their kids lots of opportunities. But the fact is, that
most of these kids are going to be eventually playing in
the same beer league as their parents do, not a
professional team.
This is not meant to be a judgement, but rather an

opportunity to look at the big picture. Clearly, sports
have the wonderful benefits of learning teamwork,
hard work, comradery and physical activity. Maybe
your child loves the practices too. The benefits,
coupled with your child loving the process, can blind
you from seeing that schedules are too jam packed.
Add our wish for them to do well in school, and this is

a lot of pressure. It’s pressure that can take a toll over
time, and one that can sneak up on your children (and
you!). After all, who’s taking them to and from all their
practices and activities? You can’t deny that you have
felt overwhelmed at times (or all the time).
The time is now to take a look at what you are doing

and make some changes.
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Start by opening up a conversation with your kids

about what they love, what they don’t and how they
Find ways to just BE together with the
intention to have quality time together.
Picking Battles
set up their family values and corresponding
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boundaries. Once those are all identified, and

everyone in the family is on board, everything else is
negotiable!
Yes! It means if you don’t have a boundary or limit

around a certain thing, it’s not an automatic no or yes.
For example, my youngest son loves shorts, and he

wants to wear them year ‘round. It makes me twitch
with discomfort when I see him walking to school in
the rain or cold weather with bare legs, but if he
doesn’t mind, why should I?
Kids are told no in so many ways, for so many things

each day, so why not say yes more often? I embrace
this in my parenting because it shows my kids that I
can be flexible, and kind. It shows I am also willing to
hear their point of view if there is something they
really want to do (or don’t).
Sometimes I have to push myself out of my comfort

zone, but that is part of my growth as a parent.
I, like many parents, have a strained relationship with

electronics and the time kids want to spend on them; it
can drive me crazy. My kids always want more
electronics time and even though we have set limits,
there are times where I’ll let them go over their limit.
36
I’m watching closely to make sure it’s not too much,

and I don’t see this as disrespecting the limit.
I do this because I know they love it, and I like being

able to surprise them with more game time. It’s not
realistic to say yes all the time, which is why limits and
boundaries are in place, but when it’s possible, I
encourage you to do it and see how it fosters closeness,
connection and cooperation between you and your
child.
37
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%*#26 '4
Why Getting Angry
Isn’t a Bad Thing
I explained earlier how I used to be a yelling,

screaming mom. I told you how angry I was all the
time and how upset I used to get.
The key that really helped me to stop feeling so angry

was to understand what my anger was all about.
Anger is natural. It’s an automatic response triggered

whenever we feel threatened. Anger is the most
powerful of all emotional experiences, and the only
emotion that activates every muscle group and
organ of the body.
Anger exists to mobilize the instinctual fight-or-flight

response meant to protect us from predators. Of
course, our children are not predators so applying
this survival-level fightŕorŕflight response to
everyday problems of family life is like using a blow
torch to light a candle. Now, s anyone really dumb
enough to light a candle this way? Well, when
angry, everybody is that dumb.

Why Getting Angry Isn’t a Bad Thing
Anger has nothing to do with intelligence, but it has

everything to do with how vulnerable we feel about
ourselves. When our self-value is low, anything can
make you irritable or angry. When self-value is high,
the insults and frustrations of life just roll off your
back. Think about it. It’s so true.
For instance, if you've had a bad day, and you're

feeling overwhelmed or disregarded or devalued,
you might come home, see your kid's backpack
discarded right at the front door and immediately
feel anger rising. "My kid is so lazy, selfish,
inconsiderate, disrespectful!“ you say to yourself or
maybe even out loud.
Or, let’s say you come home after a great day feeling
fine about yourself, and see the same backpack in the
same place. You may respond with, “Oh, that's just
Sage. She can be so forgetful!" and not think twice
about it.
The difference in your reaction to the child's

lies entirely within you. It depends
completely on what’s going on with you, and how
you feel about yourself in that moment.
In the first example, the child's

seems to
deflate you further, adds to your overwhelm and, in
anger, you punish her for doing it to you. Isn’t that a

powerful link to make? Have you ever thought about

it that way? Do you then notice the stigma when you
start saying things to yourself like, “why can’t he
listen to me”, “Why do I always have to repeat
myself?” and “she is never going to learn to do simple
things that I ask her to do?”
In the second example, when you come in the door

after a great day, the child's
does not
diminish your sense of personal importance, value,
power, or lovability. There is no need for anger. You
don't need a hammer to solve the problem of the
discarded backpack.
In the first example, you go straight to anger without

investigating why the backpack ended up in the
middle of the floor. Maybe there is a reason it was
left there (an emergency rush to the bathroom
bathroom
maybe?) and maybe there isn’t. But by reacting first,
before finding out why,
why, it isis
it’s aamissed
missedopportunity
opportunityin
your
in yourcommunication
communication with
withyour child.
your You
child. lose
You thethe
lose
opportunity to teach your child to be more
cooperative.
This lesson however, will not be learned if you react

first in anger. If you do, your child’s reaction to the
humiliation and fear will be the same as yours, an
overwhelming urge to blame and an impulse for
retaliation.

This is because anger comes with two main

motivations] avoid or attack.
When we continue to looklook at

at anger
anger and
and our
our explosive
explosive
outbursts as moms,
moms, ifit can
can be
be further
further described
described aa
buildup of feelings
feelings like
like frustration,
frustration, overwhelm,
overwhelm,
unappreciated (just
feeling and unappreciated ( justto
toname
nameaafew!).
few!).
These are the feelings I used to shove down deep

inside me that would eventually explode during my
anger spiral. I would feel so bad, try again to not get
mad, but all I was doing was bottling up my feelings
again.
Instead of feeling bad about anger, let’s look at it in

a different way. Let’s look at it as a positive thing!
Here’s why: when we feel angry, it’s usually because

of an accumulation of negative feelings over time,
and the reason is because we have unmet needs.
Instead of beating yourself up for getting mad and
yelling, use you anger as an internal compass for
what’s missing in your life.
If you look at it this way -- as needs that you have

that are unmet -- it can be a big wake-up call to help
guide you toward a more fulfilling life. You also
need to look at your anger without judgement and
shame because what you don’t acknowledge will

continue to go on without change.
Answer these questions for yourself:
How do I react when I’m angry? (Do you hold it

in, slam doors or yell?)
How do you show your anger? (The silent
treatment, pick a fight?)
When does your anger show up? (A bad day at
work, at bedtime, getting out the door?)
What makes you feel the most triggered? (talking
back, screaming, lying?)
Remember, you want to look at these answers

without judgement, embarrassment and shame. Look
at them as data.
In my own life, when I am angry and I’ve lost my

cool, I have learned to take a minute and ask myself
what I’m needing in that moment that I’m not
getting. I thought I would share an example
you
from my own life.
At the beginning of the summer, we went away to

one of my favorite places for a short little vacation.
One of my boys was doing a lot of complaining: the
drive was too long, he was getting a leg cramp, he was
hungry, he was thirsty, he had to go to the bathroom,
he was bored, his iPod died, he didn’t like the car

music, he felt sick we got to the hotel, he

wanted to go into the pool right away, but first he
wanted to eat again. And so on and so on. It felt like
it was non-stop, and the complaining was all
directed at me.
I did everything I could throughout the long drive to

get his needs met and stay calm, but I eventually lost
my cool and yelled at him. Actually, I yelled at both
boys and told them to just be quiet and give me a
minute to think.
As I was sitting there, vibrating with anger at first but

later calming down, I asked myself what I was
need in that moment.
needed moment. For
For me, I definitely needing
needed
cooperation, but I also
also needed
needed toto take
take some
some time
time
alone. It was a long drive, and I had been
been planning,
planning,
shopping, cleaning, organizing,
organizing, packing
packing and
and
unpacking, so I was tired.
I asked my husband to take the kids down to the

pool. I was able to take some time in the room by
myself where I was able to have some quiet time and
watch some mindless TV until they came back (I
could lie and say I meditated but I didn’t!).
When they got back, I was calm and refreshed! It was

at that time I was able to talk to both my boys about
why I got so mad, and talk to them about what I was
feeling and needing. Then, I was able to talk to them

about what they were feeling and needing. That

ended up being a great conversation and moment of
connection for us, and we were able to happily move
on.
When you feel the anger rise up in you, I invite you

to pause, and recognize your needs. That’s how you
invite peace in. It’s &# if you aren’t perfect. It’s &# if
you’re like me, and lose your cool. But instead of
yelling and screaming for the next 30 minutes and
then feeling bad, stop. Pause. Pay attention to what
you are feeling and needing, then attempt to get your
needs met.
Can you see how my anger ended up being a good

thing? Can you see how I was able to use it to identify
what I was needing? I know now that when I feel
anger rising up, or I am quick to yell, that something
is off with me and I need to go and look closer.
I want you to know that it’s absolutely &# for you to

show your anger. I don’t want you to get the message
that you have to avoid anger at all costs. When you
do show your anger, you teach your kids that big
emotions can be expressed and managed because
it’s all about how you handle your anger.
Like our kids, we have categories of needs as well

that we can meet or not meet at any given moment.

ņ[ Personal. These are the needs that we have for

exercise, sleep, self-care, naps, need for spiritual or
intellectual growth, and physical health.
Ň[Community. These needs are all about connection

with friends, family, your partner, date nights, girls’
nights and time with your tribe and community.
ň[Appreciation. This is such a basic human need for

us all. To be seen and acknowledged for who we are,
what we do and the efforts we put forth. When this
need is not met, we start to have feelings, like
resentment, about not having it met. If we don’t share
this need, then we will have unmet feelings and needs
and that adds to the volcano that can build inside of
us. If this need isn’t getting met for you, I invite you
to have a conversation with your partner to find ways
to acknowledge and appreciate what you do.
ŉ[Support. I know we all want to do it all. But that’s

impossible. Even if it was, you would get so
overwhelmed and none of your needs would be met.
It would be a vicious cycle of unacknowledged
feelings and unmet needs piling up until explosion!
We need push back against the resistance of asking
for and accepting help. When we
, we allow others
to see we are real and not perfect, which opens up a
space for them to be honest with us.

The best part about accepting support is that it makes

the other person happy. Not only do you bless
yourself with help, you bless the other person who is
helping you! Build yourself a support system and
invite people into your life and don’t feel bad, guilty
or ashamed for needing help.
5. Grace. We are all doing our best. If you are

reading this book, I know you are a good parent
because you care enough to want to do better. In
those times; when you are feeling overwhelmed,
frustrated, angry and defeated; I invite you to go easy
on yourself. Give yourself empathy because this
parenting journey is HARD. Treat yourself like you
would your best friend, and try not to allow shame
and judgement to creep in. Remember, you aren’t
alone and if you need to, reach out to your support
system.
It is essential to your wellbeing and the wellbeing of

your family to get your needs met. When you do,
you are able to handle the frustrations, irritations and
stress of life so much better. You will find you will
naturally yell less because you naturally have a
longer wick.
In the earlier section where I talk about what you can

let go, I talk about making small shifts. I’m talking
about the same thing here. I don’t want you to think

of this as ‘work’ or another thing to add to your ‘to

do’ list. You know how it feels when life is going well,
and you feel like you are in flow. What are the things
that make life flow for you and what’s missing when
you aren’t? Do you need to go to the gym, go for a
walk with your partner
meet up with a friend?
Small changes can make a huge difference. Take

some time right now to identify the needs you aren’t
getting met.
Personal Needs
_________________ŘŘŘŘŘŘŘŘŘŘŘŘŘ__________________
Community Needs
_____________________________________ŘŘŘŘŘŘŘŘŘŘŘ
Appreciation Needs
_____________________________________ŘŘŘŘŘŘŘŘŘŘŘ
Support Needs
_____________________________________ŘŘŘŘŘŘŘŘŘŘŘ
Grace Needs
____________ŘŘŘŘŘŘŘŘŘŘŘŘŘŘ______________________

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%*#26 '4
Getting in Touch with
Your Feelings
When I work with my clients, I spend a lot of time

talking about their emotions, and what they are
feeling in the moment of frustration or overwhelm.
When we dig further into what they are feeling, it

often doesn’t have anything to do with their kids at
all.
Anger is like an iceberg. At the top is “anger,” showing

itself above the surface, and below are all of the
feelings that build up. Emotions like hurt, rejection,
insecurity, anxiety, guilt, shame, envy, stress,
depression, disrespect, loneliness, regret, and
helplessness are all examples of below-the-surface
emotions.
When we are angry, we need to reflect on what we

are feeling.
For example, let’s say you are rushing out the door to
get to your daughter’s dance lesson, and she isn’t
listening when you call her and you know you are

Getting in Touch with Your Feelings
going to be late. You call her, nicely at first, then you call
her again, and again. Out of frustration, you yell at her,
grab her by the arm away from the show she’s watching
and drag her out the door.
In anger, you berate her for being disrespectful by not

listening to you when you called her, you call her
unreliable because she would obviously much rather
watch a show than follow through with her commitment
to dance and you may as well be throwing your money
out the window if she isn’t going to care enough to get
herself out the door on time.
All the way to the dance studio, you tell her how
disrespectful it is to be late and how badly this reflects on
you.
Let’s take this example, and break it down to find out

what you might be feeling in this moment.
When your daughter doesn’t listen to you after you call

her a couple times, how are you feeling?
Frustrated and disrespected? Are you feeling unheard?

Maybe you are feeling out of control because your kids
never seem to listen to you.
This makes you feel like you aren’t as good as every other
mom you know who is able to get HER kids to dance on

time! Maybe you feel ashamed because you just can’t

seem to get your shit together and if you are late again,
people are going to start to notice and you can’t handle
their judgement. (Remember when I said that anger is
about how vulnerable we feel?)
Your reaction to these feelings is to go to your daughter

in anger, and yank her away from what she is doing and
unload all of your anger on her. Your intention is to
‘teach’ her about the value of being on time but instead
of a lesson you accuse her of not caring, of wasting your
time and money. Now your daughter feels terrible and
you feel bad as well.
There is a lot going on in this example and I know from

my own lifeĨ and when I work with clientsĨ that this is a
common scenario. If we look at it from a slightly
different angle we could change this outcome entirely.
First, when you call your child, notice where you are in
relation to her. Are you even in the same room? Are you
even on the same floor? We have to remember that when
kids are playing or watching a show, they are completely
immersed in these worlds and cannot hear us, or even
hear us passively so when we are calling them from
another place in the house, chances are we are not going
to get their attention.
Then when we look at how her not listening affects you,

you can see that what you’re feeling is all about you. You
interpret her not listening as disrespect. Her not listening
makes YOU feel like you aren’t a good mom. It reminds
you that you are overwhelmed and YOU are embarrassed
because YOU don’t want to be judged for being late.
Instead, this could have played out totally differently.
When it’s time to leave the house for dance, you notice
your daughter is watching TV so instead of calling her
from someplace else in the house, you go to her, put your
hand on her shoulder and get her attention. Once you
have it, you tell her it’s time to go, help her turn off the
TV and take her ha and walk to the door. From there,
you are able to get into the car peacefully and get to
dance right on time.
The difference is that you took a moment to go to your

daughter, make a connection first, then request. Our kids
are, well, kids and sometimes we have to meet them
where they are in order to get their cooperation.
At one of my speaking engagements I was talking to a

group of parents and when I went through a similar
scenario with them, one of the moms said, “&#, sure, that
sounds nice but do I have to do this every time?”
In other words, she was asking how long will she have to
do this to get her kids to come when it’s time to go out.

My answer to her was yes, you probably will have to do it

each time you want their attention because that is the best
and most peaceful way to handle a request. You may be
thinking that our kids “should” listen when we call them,
right? *ħ
Ǖ Ļ
, and
it’s leading to broken communication and a breakdown in
your relationship with your child.
Do this instead. You’ll see how much better it works to get

you the cooperation you want.
One practice that can really help you in your parenting

and understanding your child is building your emotional
awareness on the whole. In order to understand your
child’s emotions better, you have to understand yours.
There are many parents who are comfortable showing

their anger and sadness, but there are those who aren’t
comfortable expressing emotions readily. I’m not
suggesting the ‘right’ way you should express your
emotions, but rather, to pay attention and be aware of
when you are feeling an emotion, identify the feeling and
be aware/sensitive to the emotions of others as well.
However you express your emotions when

Ł with
your child, the key is to express them in a way that
doesn’t damage the relationship. What you are doing is
showing your child how to express their emotions
properly and respectfully.

Why do this? Because your child’s behaviour is

important to you. Showing them that you have anger
or sadness makes it &# for them to express it as well.
There are times when I’m feeling some feelings when

I’m with my kids and because I don’t want them to
take me in the wrong way if I say something more
harshly than I mean to, I take a minute to tell them
what’s going on with me.
I’ll say something like, “I’m feeling really stressed

today. I had a horrible sleep last night, and I’m feeling
anxious. I want you to know because I might need a
little more space today, and if I say something that
sounds more harsh than normal, please know it’s not
about you. It’s because I’m having a bad day.”
My kids are older so I can talk to them in that way and

they totally get it. By doing this, I’m actively aware of
what I’m feeling but I’m making the communication
of feelings a normal part of life.
The best part of making feelings and emotions

“normal” is that when your child has some big
feelings, whether it’s about a broken balloon or feeling
rejected by a friend, their feelings create an
opportunity for you to show your child empathy and
grow your connection with your child. I know that
sometimes when our kids come to us with a

‘problem’ for us to solve, we feel like, “great, as if I

didn’t have enough to deal with today!”
However, when we have the opportunity to soothe

our child and help them feel better, it makes us feel
the most like parents, like we’ve got this parenting
thing down! Not only do we feel great, we have
created a beautiful moment of connection with our
child.

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*#26'4

%*#26 '4
The No-Yelling Fix
As a recovering frequent yeller and angry mom, there

are a few things that really helped me become a
peaceful parent and stop yelling (95% of the time).
The first was understanding that every outburst or

meltdown is my child trying to get a need met. The
second was understanding brain science and where my
child is in his brain, based on his age, and how the
brain works.
The third, was learning to pause.
Pause before I react.
Pause before I judge.
Pause before I speak.
Pause before I accuse.
Pause before I say something I can’t take back.

The No-Yelling Fix
Pause before I lash out in anger.
The simple act of pausing before I made my next

parenting move has allowed me to put space between
what has just happened and my reaction. My anger,
frustration and anxiousness are my signals to pause.
Magic happens in this space. I’m able to use the

moment to check in with myself and ask:
What am I feeling?
Is what I’m feeling related to my child’s behaviour
or my own stuff?
What is really going on with my child?
What is the most peaceful way to address this?
Do I need to address this right away or should I
wait?
Do I need to be involved or can this be resolved on
its own? (e.g. sibling rivalry or they just need to let
off some steam)
Can I just let this go and say nothing?
This is a practice I invite you to try the next time you

are faced with a meltdown, big emotions or disrespect.
When I first started practicing pausing, I remember a

day when my son had a bag of barbeque chips in his
hands. We like to have our boys eat in the kitchen
area where we have flooring and not in the family

The No-Yelling Fix
room that’s connected and has carpet.
My son was walking with his chips right on the border

of both rooms and walked over to the carpet. The
whole time, he was squeezing the chip bag, pulsing it
in his hands, and I knew it was about to pop.
I could feel my anxiety rising. We value a clean home

and the last thing I wanted was chips all over the
carpet. But instead of reacting, I observed.
Sure enough, POP! The bag popped and I saw a mist

spray
of barbeque chip dust spray out.
I was about to jump on him andand say,

say, “you shouldn’t
have been in this room with those chips.
chips, and
and you
you
shouldn’t have squeezed the bag like that. You were
just asking for it to pop and chips
chips to
to fly
fly all over the
You are
floor. You are the
the one
one who
who will
will have
have to
to clean
clean it
it up!”
up!”
Rather than saying that, I paused and asked myself if I

needed to say that. I could see my son already felt bad.
To me, that told me he knew it wasn’t the best move
on his part. I didn’t yell, or make him feel bad\ I
simply, and in a neutral voice, reminded him to eat
them in the kitchen. And that was that! No lecture, no
hard feelings and no harm done.

The No-Yelling Fix
Another thing that I learned is not everything needs to

be addressed in the moment. This is more than just a
pause. This is being in a situation with your child
where you are far too triggered to solve the situation
peacefully, so you take some time to get yourself calm
and back into your higher brain.
This is where you can add in a practice that helps you

calm down.
Find something that works for you like taking a walk

around the block, yelling into a pillow, or
use a
calming breathing technique.
technique. When
When I’m
I’m in
in this
this state,
state,
cleaning really helps me. My husband calls it it ‘rage
‘rage
cleaning’. He thinks he’s pretty funny but he is sure
not to call it out when I’m rage
rage cleaning
cleaning or
or he
he might
might be
be
my next victim (kidding of course!). II feel
feel much
much better
better
for channeling my energy into something to take my
mind off the stress and frustration of the
the situation.
situation.
timing is
Once I feel calmer, and when the timing is right,
right, II go
go
to my child resolve
to resolve
thethe situation.
situation.
In terms of waiting, the best-case scenario is to go to

your child as soon as you can. Children under the age
of 5 don’t hold memories like older children do, so
you need to do it as soon as you can. For children 5 to
7 years old, you have about one day, but you still want
to do it as soon as you can. For older children, you
have even more time, but I encourage you to act as
fast as you can.

%*#26'4

%*#26 '4
Why Threatening and
Punishments Aren’t Working
Why should we parent without using threats,

consequences and punishments? I’ll give you plenty
of reasons.
Most of us were likely parented this way, and that’s

why so many parents still do. When we use
punishments (like timeouts), rewards (including
positive enforcement), and other forms of control, we
are teaching our kids that they are loved only when
they please us or impress us.
I know that may sound extreme, but there is a lot of

research that shows the damage caused by sending
our kids the message that they must earn our
approval.
Simply put, punishments are used to make

something unpleasant happen to our child or prevent
them from experiencing something pleasant, usually
with the goal of changing their future
.
In other words, we, the punisher, make our kids

Why Threatening and Punishments Aren’t Working
suffer to teach them a lesson.
So, let me ask you. What is the likelihood that

purposely making our kids unhappy will prove to be
beneficial to them, and your relationship with them,
in the long run? And, if punishing our kids works so
well, then why do we have to keep punishing them
over and over again for the same ‘crimes’ or
threatening them with punishment?
If you are looking at changing

, there have
been studies as far back as 19ŋŎ that show
punishment proves to be counterproductive whether
parents were using i to stop aggression, excessive
dependence, bedwetting, etc. Researchers then and
now show findings that punishment is ineffectual
over the long term as a way to eliminate

.
Whether we call them punishments, or the softer

rebranded term of consequences, announcing how
we plan to punish children (remember if you do X
then I’ll do Y to you) may make you feel better
because you have given your child fair warning. All
we’ve really done, though, is told them ahead of
time, exactly how we’ll make them suffer if they
don’t do what we say.
Punishments also communicate to our kids a

message of distrust (I don’t think you'll do the right

thing without the fear of possible punishment) and
this leads kids to obey for EXTERNAL reasons. This
only serves to emphasize their powerlessness.
When I really looked at punishment and how it

wasn’t working in my parenting and how it really
doesn’t work on the whole, there were a few points
that got my attention:
1. Eventually, It Doesn’t Work Anymore. As our kids

get older, it gets more difficult to find things to do to
them that will be adequately unpleasant (and also
increasingly difficult to find rewards that are
appealing). At some point, our threats begin to
sound hollow and our kids just shrug off threats like
“you’re grounded!” or “no Xbox this week.”
This doesn’t prove that kids are tough and stubborn

or does it mean that you need to come up with
more diabolical ways to make them suffer, but it
does suggest that trying to help our kids become
good people by punishing them for doing bad things
may have been a foolish strategy from the beginning.
One of the biggest problems with relying on

punishments is that as your kids get older, your
power begins to ebb, and when it does, you’ve got
nothing left. If you have always used power to

control your kids, you never learn how to influence.

In other words, the more you rely on punishment,
the less influence you’ll have on their lives.
Ň[ It Distracts Kids from the Actual Issue.

Punishment doesn’t lead children to focus on what
they’ve done, what they did or what they should have
done instead. /, by punishing them, it turns
their focus to how mean and unfair you are because
of what you have done to them or taken away. You
miss the opportunity to find out why they acted the
way they did, and what the underlying feeling and
need is.
ň[ It Creates Disconnection in the Relationship.

When we punish our kids, we make it really hard for
them to see us as being
being on
on their
their side,
side, which
which isis
absolutely vital for their healthy development. In
their eyes, we become the people they need to avoid
and be scared of. It’s confusing
confusing forfor kids
kids that
that their
their
parents, the powerful giants who they totally depend
on, occasionally
dependent choose to make
on, occasionally choosethem miserable,
to make them
upset or inflict
miserable, upsetpain on them
or inflict onon
pain purpose.
them onOver time,
purpose.
they
Overstop coming
time, to us
they stop because
coming to we aren’t a we
us because safearen’t a
place
they can trust
safe place theywith
can their emotions
trust with their or mistakes.
emotions or
mistakes.
In short, punishment doesn’t work very well, and it’s
In short,
not punishment
realistic to expect doesn’t
that morework very well, and
punishment or a
it’s not realistic to expect that more punishment or a

different kind can turn things around.
Now I know you might be thinking. You need

to do something to get your kid’s attention because
he or she is not cooperating or listening. I
understand that, and realistically, our kids may never
understand why it’s so important to get out the door,
but this doesn’t mean they are oblivious to our words
and actions.
We are the most important people in their world,

and what we say and do to our kids carries
enormous weight just because of who we are.
Still, you might be thinking that you need threats and

kid’s attention. Yes, but the
punishments to get your kids’
way you are getting your child’s attention is
counterproductive. The very features of punishment
that make it impossible to ignore also virtually
ensure that no good can come out of it.
What’s getting their attention is pain, along with the

fact that the parents they love and depend on have
caused them that pain. This is hardly likely to
produce the effect that most of us are looking for.
A few months ago, one of my boys was having a hard

time at an event we were attending as a family. In his
boredom, he asked me for some chocolate to distract


Ĩ
said no. He responded with, “Screw YOU!”
I stood there for a second, frozen. It seemed like a

lot longer but in that second, I went from disbelief, to
anger to judgement to curiosity. Why? Why did he
say that?
The old me would have said “HOW DARE YOU

TALK TO ME LIKE THAT!” and done something
like take away his Xbox for a week. BUT, when my
son says something like that, I know it’s just what I
call ‘noise’. It’s the noise that we often react to and
punish.
For example, when our kids say:

- I hate you!
- I don’t want to go with you to the store!
- Shut up!
- You are the worst!
You get the picture. The noise is the first thing that
comes out of their mouths that is often hurtful to us
so our knee-jerk reaction is to yell at or punish them
because what they said is totally unacceptable. As a
practicing peaceful parent, if we ignore the noise, for
the moment, we will find what they are really feeling
and needing underneath.

Now to be clear, it’s not OK

&# for my son to speak like
that, but in that moment, it was not the time to
address it (remember, not everything needs to be
addressed in the moment).
moment?).
So, what did I do? I said to my son, “whoa, dude,

what is that about? Why are you so mad?”
He didn’t say anything and just looked at me, still

angry.
I went to a quiet corner with him away from

everyone else and said “hey, you seem really mad to
say something like that. What’s going on with you?”
He ended up telling me that he thinks we don’t treat

him fairly compared to his brother, and he was mad
because his brother got more chocolate than he did. I
asked him to tell me more, and he went on to say
that he was jealous because we were there with all his
brother’s friends, and he felt left out and didn’t have
anyone to talk to.
That was it! That is what was behind the noise! He

was frustrated, mad, jealous but under it all, he was
needing connection with a friend. All of that was
building when he asked me for a chocolate and I was
the one who said the thing that was the final straw for
him.

You see, if I had only reacted to the “Screw You,”

comment and yelled at him and punished him for it,
I wouldn’t have been able to see that my son was sad
and needing connection. In fact, the “Screw You”
had nothing at all to do with me.
Could I change the situation for my son? No. I

couldn’t change the fact that he had no friends there.
Should I have given him more chocolate because his

brother got more? No. But not because he told me to
screw off, but because he was allowed to have a coke
with his dinner and that was more than enough
sugar. What I learned is that I need to do a better job
making sure things are more even between him

and his brother because that wasn’t something I was
noticing so I’ll be more conscious of it.
I didn’t punish him for using that kind of language. I

opted to give him empathy and told him how hard it
must be to be the oldest kid here and not have
anyone to talk to. I asked him to tell me what could
make the situation better for him. He said he wanted
to sit with his dad to watch the rest of the game.
“Done! I can do that!” I said. I called my husband
over, quickly explained what happened, and they
went off together.

Later that night, when I tucked my son in, I asked

him how he was feeling. He saidĨ &#. I asked him if
he enjoyed the night, and he said he did.
I said, “ buddy, I understand you were

frustrated, angry and feeling bored because you
didn’t have anyone to talk to, but it’s never &# to
say, ‘screw you’ to me. Please don’t use that
language again.”
He said he knew it was wrong, apologized and told

me he loved me. And that was that! No big fight. No
yelling. No punishment. No rage (on my part). We
resolved it peacefully and everyone moved on
happily.

%*#26'4

%*#26 '4
4 Actionable Steps
We’ve covered a lot of material so far, and now it’s

time to put everything into practice.
There are four steps I would like to leave you with

that will help you end yelling, feel less stressed and
get more cooperation from your kids!
1. Practice Self Care. We hear a lot about “self care,”

these days, and it’s become somewhat of a buzzword.
But what does it really mean? I don’t think it’s spa
days, massages, facials, and wine dates with
girlfriends (although I’m down for any of that!)\ I
think self care is simpler than that. I think it’s this:
Saying no more.
Give yourself permission to skip the next birthday

party, or BBQ with friends if the thought of it
exhausts you or if you just can’t do one.more.thing.
We can fill our calendars with playdates for our kids
and countless other activities, but you don’t have to
accept every invitation. Say no to baking cookies

4 Actionable Steps

son’s class, and hold your head high when you
deliver a plate of yummy Costco cookies. Believe me, we
care a lot more than our kids do!
Online grocery shopping – and get it delivered!
We live in such a great time where the things that we

need are only a click away! Online grocery shopping is so
amazing! Take this off your plate and have what you
need delivered to your door. This also applies to those
meal programs where the food is delivered to you with all
the veggies chopped and ingredients separated and
measured. You just have to put it together! Easy peasy!
Have someone clean your house.
I used to think this was so decadent, to have someone

come in and clean for me. Well it is, and I love it and I
won’t apologize for it. And neither should you. I have
someone come in and clean my bathrooms and floors
every two weeks. We handle the rest of the cleaningĨ but
this little bit takes the stress off me. You may think it’s not
feasible for you but I have found people that are as little
as $20 an hour. Go ahead, give yourself permission to
hire some help.
Do you need help?
Accepting help is a great way to give yourself some love.

4 Actionable Steps
I’ve said it already; people feel loved when they get the
opportunity to help someone out. If you need someone
to give you a hand, it will really make a difference.
Action Step: I want you to carve out time right now

where you can take a look at all the things that
that need
need to
to get
get
done for the family. Make a list of everything. Then.
Then,
review it:
What can stay, and what can go?

What is the most stressful?
What takes the most time?
What do you love that brings you joy (then make sure
you schedule time to do it!!)?
What do your kids love that brings them joy?
How much time is dedicated to being and play versus
rushing around?
What can you do to lighten the load for the essential
items like grocery shopping and meals?
What can you say NO to?
What do you need help with?
You may have to make some hard decisions, but the

purpose is for everyone to feel less stressed and rushed.
This is truly an act of self care because when you can cut
back, you and your kids will feel more relaxed. Your kids
will be less tired as well, and this will help them pay
attention to what you are saying and requesting so they
can cooperate much better (and you yell less!)!

4 Actionable Steps
2[ Keep
2. Keep an Emotional Journal. How can can you
you understand
understand
your child’s
child’s emotions
emotionsififyou
youdon’t
don’tunderstand
understandyour
your own?
Studies have shown
own? Studies that labeling
have shown emotions
that labeling can have
emotions canahave
soothing
a soothing effect onon
effect the nervous
the nervous system, helping
systemĨ helpingyou
youand
and
your child recover faster afterbeing
faster after being upset.
upset. Giving
Giving your
your
emotion a name can help your child take an ominousominous
feeling into something that can be defined
defined and
and
understood. This helps them see that what they are are
feeling is normal and part of life.
$
/\ Throughout each day, I want you to take a
moment to check in with yourself to see how you are
feeling. Create a journal for yourself either on paper or
on your phone where you can quickly and easily log your
emotions. You can also take it a step further and jot down
what made you feel this way and why. This will help you
identify your triggers and bring your awareness to how
you react when you feel certain emotions. For example, if
you had an angry outburst, what caused it? How did you
feel after? Hurt, ashamed, relieved, justified? Don’t judge
them, notice them.
Take a look at your child’s emotions. How does it make

you feel when they are happy? When they are sad or in
the midst of a full-blown meltdown? Do you feel like you
need to release your own emotions in the face of your
child’s? If they feel sad, do you feel a strong need to
protect or do you think your child’s sadness is silly and an
overreaction?

4 Actionable Steps
As you work on your log, take time to reflect and notice

how you feel about certain emotions. Can you see
patterns? Is there anything you are doing that you would
like to change? What surprised you? How do you handle
negative emotions? What emotions are the most difficult
for you?
Parents who are able to recognize and understand their

own emotions are able to tune into their child’s emotions
with much more ease. When your child is understood,
and feels like you really get them, they are going to
come to you instead of away from you. They will feel
less frustrated and therefore act out less.
If you still need some help in this area because you don’t
know where to start, and your emotional language only
consists of a few emotionsĨ I encourage you to visit the site
www.groktheworld.com. In the product section you can
download a free list of feelings.
3. Let Go of the Image of Perfection. One of the hardest

parts of being a mom is that it wasn’t anything like I
imagined.
My start to motherhood began with my son being 10 days

late during an August heat wave. I was in labor for two
days, which ended up in a C-section and I couldn’t
breastfeed. This was such a shock to my system. It made
me feel exposed, vulnerable, helpless and like a failure.

4 Actionable Steps
Then my sweet redheaded newborn wouldn’t sleep. I was

exhausted and in such a short time, I lost myself. In my
life before kids, I thought I was killin’ it! I had the career
that I wanted, I was married to the most wonderful man
and we had a great life together. What I know now, that I
didn’t then, is that I needed time to grieve the loss of my
former self and shed the image that I had for myself of
the mom I thought I would be. It was a hard journey that
I know many other moms are facing or have faced.
Motherhood is not what you see in commercials,

magazines, on Facebook or Instagram. It can be the most
wonderful experience; you will feel boundless joy and
fierce love but you may also feel darkness and loneliness.
One of my clients asked me how other people do it. How
do they all come home to a quiet peaceful home after
work? I said, “I don’t think they do!” We don’t talk about
the hardships as much as we should. The worst part is
that when we feel we aren’t stacking up to the family next
door or your friends on Facebook, we feel ashamed.
When we feel shame, it means we believe there is
fundamentally something wrong with ‘us.’ But to be
human is to be flawed. None of us have this parenting
thing down 100%!
I want to invite you to let go of the image of the parent

you thought you would be. It’s &# if the parent you are
doesn’t fit the image you had in your mind. There is no
way to truly know what kind of a parent you will be until

4 Actionable Steps
you are one. There is peace in accepting who you are as a

parent, the kids you have and the journey you are on as a
family.
Accept who you are and most importantly, be kind to

yourself. Your self acceptance can look different for
everyone but here are some thoughts to help you start:
I accept myself for the parent I am

I accept that sometimes I feel lost and don’t know what
I’m doing
can
I accept my struggles because I am doing the best I can
I accept that my family doesn’t look like I expected it
to
I accept that being a parent is harder than I thought
I accept that I can be quick to anger
I accept that I have a need for control because being a
parent makes me feel powerless
I accept myself for _________________________ŘŘŘŘŘŘŘ
It’s powerful to have self-acceptance and it’s also

powerful to accept your child for who they are. Maybe
you have a child who is the complete opposite of you.
Maybe you were an honour student and your child
struggles in school and doesn’t seem to care about how
well they do. Maybe your child is super sensitive and it
drives you crazy.
In either of these examples, we often judge and label our

4 Actionable Steps
child for their differences from us and for what we see as

their deficiencies. They don’t fit the image of the child we
thought and dreamed we would have. That can lead us to
inadvertently punish them for being so different, for
having bad grades and not putting effort in to schoolĨ for
being sensitive and crying all the time.
The truth is that no matter how much we want a mini-

me, we often don’t get the child we want[ 2e get the
child we need. 3 he child who can teach us the
most. Let’s say you have enrolled your child in soccer
because you have always wanted her to play\ 5ou used to
enjoy playing in your youth but instead of taking after
your athletic ability, she would much rather pick the
grass than play her position\ 0 doesn’t have any killer
instinct to want to score. In fact, she is the worst player on
the team.
How do you react? Do you criticize her and tell her she
better pay attention? Do you threaten her with
punishments if she doesn’t focus next game or bribe
her with rewards if she does? You do this for various
reasons but most importantly because it feels extremely
uncomfortable to have your child be “that kid.” You see
it as a reflection of your own inadequacy and that feels
unbearable.
3

œ 1

4 Actionable Steps
\ 3
ļ

from anyone else so why do we do this to our children?
Embracing imperfection isn’t easy but it’s important to

look at because it’s often our own insecurities that we are
projecting onto our child. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not
saying that we don’t encourage our kids to do their best
but it’s important that as the parent, we keep our
intentions clear and that this isn’t you forcing them to be
something they aren’t.
The danger is that they will start to feel that they don’t
measure up and aren’t good enough. This often triggers
our child’s inbuild survival mechanism, which will cause
your child to be more determined to assert themselves
even more. This is where disconnected communication
and a breakdown in relationship starts.
Therefore, for the betterment of your relationship with

your child and for their sense of self worth, we must
accept our children for who they are. The better your
relationship, the more trust, the more cooperation!
Action Step: Practice acceptance of your child with the

statements below and fill in the blanks for what relates
best to your child.
I accept my child is different from me\

4 Actionable Steps
I accept my child is \
I accept that my child is defiant\
I accept that my child struggles in school\
I accept that my child isn’t athletic\
I accept that my child is sensitive\
I accept that my child finds it hard to be still\
I accept that my child _______________ŘŘŘŘŘŘ
When it comes to perfection, I want to offer you one last

thought and that is to release the way things should look
and unfold. For this I mean, let go of how your holiday
‘should’ go, let go of what a trip to the park ‘should’ be
like. I used to get so caught up in what I wanted a simple
trip to the playground to look like that I didn’t enjoy the
moment at all. That was such a missed opportunity.
Accepting things as they are, allows you to let go of the
‘should’.
I had always dreamed of family game nights. I had the

4 Actionable Steps

\

should take time to do this.
But guess what? We suck at family game nights! We are

all miserable because my kids fight over who turn it is.
One tries to control the game, the other tries to cheat;
it is exhausting. I finally had to let go of the dream (after
spending lots of time and money to find just the right
game!). This just isn’t something my family does and
that’s &#.
Instead, I had to recognize what I was really after was

connection and quality time. Then, I had to find other
ways to accomplish that.
By accepting the ‘as is’ and the reality of how things are
unfolding instead of fighting against it, you allow a space
for anything to happen. You can be more open and
flexible and it causes so much less stress!
4[ Practice the Pause. I have been asked what is the one

piece of advice that I feel is the most important. It’s hard
to narrow it down. +ut I have to say it’s the pause. I have
talked at length about pausing earlier in this book, but
now I want you to practice it. This one step is
transformational, but don’t take my word for it; try it for
yourself to see what I mean.

4 Actionable Steps
Action Step: This is a new practice -- emphasis on

PRACTICE -- so this doesn’t need to look perfect. Be
patient with yourself as you incorporate this into your
parenting.
Start by giving yourself a reminder to pause. I always

tell my clients to put a reminder in their phones just
before their child comes home from school so they
are in the right mindset when they are back with their
child.
Use post-it notes to remind yourself to pause. I put

notes like this on my fridge and inside the cabinet I
use the most in the kitchen. Thing always seem to go
down in the kitchen so that’s where my reminders are,
but yours might be different. Maybe you need to put
one in your car or on your mirror to remind yourself
to pause right at the start of the day.
As a reminderĨ here is when you use a pause:
Pause before I react

Pause before I judge
Pause before I speak
Pause before I accuse
Pause before I say something I can’t take back
Pause before I lash out in anger

4 Actionable Steps
In the momenĨ check in with yourself and ask:
What am I feeling?
Is what I’m feeling related to my child’s behaviour
or my own stuff?
What is really going on with my child?
What is the most peaceful way to address this?
Do I need to address this right away or should I
wait?
Do I need to be involved or can this be resolved on
its own? (e.g. sibling rivalry)
Can I just let this go and say nothing?
Here is the undeniable truth that I have learned about

parenting:

Ǖ Ǖ

ħ

Ǖ Ǖ

[
I’ve seen proof of this time and time again.
I recently helped my client Cindy better connect with

her teen daughter Megan. Cindy and I had been
working on how she sees her daughter, how to look at
her in a more positive light and how to accept her for
who she is. Previously, Cindy and Megan did not
communicate their feelings and needs to each other;
rather they had quick exchanges that were less than
friendly.
During our time together, she started to see a shift in

4 Actionable Steps
her relationship and mid-way through, Cindy sent me

creen shot of a message Megan sent her. The
message said the following:
“Sorry that I was mad and yelling at you tonight, you are a
good mom. It’s just hard for me because we rarely have a
good time together laughing, shopping or anything like that.
Most kids that I know have a relationship with their mom
and they love their mom so much and we don’t have
something like that and that’s hard for me.”
Whoa. I was floored at the rawness of the message. I

was so excited to see Cindy’s response in return]
“I would love to have an amazing relationship with you!

Why do you think I’m reading parenting books and talking
to a Parent Coach? I want us to connect and have fun
together. Let’s figure out a way to make this happen. Find
something we both love to do, I like playing cards and games
with you. How else can we connect?”
I was literally bursting with joy for this shift in their

relationship. They had gone from an estranged
relationship to both of them sharing how much they
want a strong connection with each other.
The reality is that there isn’t a quick fix when it comes

to getting more cooperation and yelling less, but in
this book, my intention was to break down what you

4 Actionable Steps
can do to get what you want from your kids in the

most real and simple way.
Start by understanding what is really going on with

your kids in terms of brain science and what
meltdowns and big emotions are all about. Tuning
into what kids are trying to tell us about their needs.
As for ending yelling, taking care of yourself is

essential for your wellbeing and the wellbeing of your
family. When you have a longer wick, things don’t get
under your skin as much. Embrace your anger and
look at what it’s telling you. Let go of how things
‘should’ look or be.
And lastly, practicing the pause will absolutely help

you to stay calm.
If I can leave you with one final thought, it would be

this: be kind to yourself. If you are struggling, you
aren’t alone. If you doubt your ability to be a good
parent, release that doubt. If you weren’t already a
good parent, you
Ļ have read this book.
3
eaceĨ

Ĩ .

Conclusion
If you are a struggling parent and think you might

need some oneŕonŕone support, please reach out
to me and book a
call with me.
Helping families find more joy, peace and
cooperation is what I do best. You can have the
family of your dreamső 4ou deserve it!
Robbin McManne
Certified Parent Coach
Founder, Parenting for Connection
www.parentingforconnection.com
Robbin@parentingforconnection.com

Easy to Read & Packed Full of Solutions
Parent Coach Robbin McManne, will open your eyes to a whole new way of parenting
and getting consistent cooperation! This book will give you the tools to see your
kids’ behavior in a new light, so you can parent them with more joy and confidence.
"This is a book every parent needs to read! At the time of

reading Robbin's book, I could have never guessed she
The No
would have transformed my own parenting style so much. Yelling,
Robbin has a way of explaining the things we go through as Peaceful Way
parents in way that's encouraging, helpful and practical. In To Parent
particular, I found her chapter about meltdowns and
parenting from the higher brain very applicable and have
been able to adjust my own expectations for these You will learn:
stressful moments. Robbin makes me feel like I'm talking The ONE single biggest piece of
to an old friend over coffee, swapping war stories about information that will help you
being a parent but still having laughs over the struggles stop yelling
and beauty of it all." ~ Jennifer L. US The good news about “bad”
behavior
Every parent needs a copy of this book! As a parent of two, Why punishments have the
I know just how easy it can be to simply repeat the opposite outcome you
parenting tactics that seem to be the social norms, even want...and what to do instead
Discover the REAL reason your
when they really don't seem to work or feel good to employ.
child doesn’t cooperate
What I LOVED most about this easy to understand and
The simple thing that’s the true
relatable book is that Robbin not only explains why the
cause of every meltdown or
standard "go to" parenting tactics simply don't work but tantrum
she gives you real life, practical solutions that are actually
And so much more!
effective, easy to implement and that even improve the
quality of your relationship with your kids. As a F.I.T.
Mindset Coach and Mentor who works with adults, I know
just how vital and important the parent/child relationship is
in shaping who we become as adults. Her philosophy on
punishments and rewards, her tools to help improve
emotional literacy and her needs assessment strategy, are
brilliant and essential for empowering your kids to grow up
to become confident and resilient adults. If your goal is to
confidently parent your kids in a way that fosters a loving
and healthy relationship with them so that everyone in the
family can thrive, then this book is a must for you!
~Andrea F. CA
ROBBIN McMANNE
Robbin is a Certified Parent Coach, author and speaker. She works with parents from all over the world to
help them build more connection and find more joy and cooperation to their parenting. Robbin is a former
‘Angry Mom’ and for over 12 years, Robbin juggled a full-time corporate career while being a mom and
wife, prior to becoming a Parenting Coach. She understands firsthand how many moms struggle to
balance work and family. It’s because of her struggles as a parent that she found the world of peaceful
parenting and has dedicated her life to teaching parents how to build a strong family, so their kids thrive.
Robbin’s work focuses on building and strengthening the parent child relationship so that children grow
up with resilience, confidence and strong emotional intelligence. She works with parents to help them
understand their own emotions and frustrations in parenting, so they can help build their children’s sense
of self without losing themselves in the the process!

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THE

To Parker and Aiden. I love you both more than

To Cory. I’ve loved you for over half my life and I

To my beautiful tribe of friends and family, who loved

I was caught in an endless shame cycle, one that I

My oldest son, then 6, and I were fighting nonstop. He

I was so frustrated and overwhelmed. Most of all, I was

I would lose my temper all the time in frustration, and

After the anger subsided, the weight of my emotions

mother I thought I would be.”

Then, I’d pick myself off the floor and vow to do

“I can do this!” I psyched myself up.

It happened again. I’d lose my temper, usually

I’ll share more of my story in a bit, but spoiler alert: I

In this book I want to share with you things you

The fact is, there are many reasons we yell at our

By the end of this book, I will leave you feeling so

Instead, there’s a much better way.

Before I delve deeper into how I overcame my anger-

I have a PhD from the School of Strong Willed Boys

I met my wonderful husband when I was just 15 years

My experiences as a parent inspired me to become a

calling, and I couldn’t imagine a more fulfilling and

Before this, however, I juggled a full-time corporate

At the time, I was struggling so much as a mom

Because at work, I received the validation and success I

Now that you understand a bit of my backstory, let’s

McDonald’s, it’s an all-hands-on-deck, work-round-

This was also the time that we noticed that my oldest

I didn’t know this at the time, but since, my son has

When 2010 rolled around, I was depressed, maxed out

I also had the added shame of not wanting those

But I knew with every cell in my body that this wasn’t

watched any shows I could on parenting.

However, I was still struggling to get the answers I was

When I talked to therapists, they didn’t help because

Books didn’t help either. Many of them made me feel

Even shows like Dr. Phil reinforced my feelings of

But I didn’t know how. Don’t get me wrong; I love Dr.

At my lowest point, I stumbled across Peaceful

Peaceful Parenting spoke to me in a way that none

I tried implementing some of the principles on my

THIS was the change for me.

This is where I started to really understand why I was

I’m able to understand his needs so much better, talk

I’m telling you all of this because whatever it is that

I have really and truly gone from crying every day to

Whenever we talk about anger – where it comes

Undeveloped brains (children) living in a household

Brain science is the foundation of Peaceful Parenting.

For this book, I’m not going to go into any great

you some fundamentals that every parent should

One way to simplify the complex workings of the

The lower area of the brain is the area that is most

The next area of the brain is the middle area, or

Children from birth to 7 years old are living in the

This is so helpful to understand because knowing

simple truth: they are just acting their age!

The third area of the brain, the higher area of the

It’s important to note that even as adults, we don’t

When we take this information about the three areas

Since the lower brain is fight, flight or freeze, and

All meltdowns occur in the middle brain. For young