We are living in an age of technology and development, so it is

natural for children to get into social media early. Most people
believe that social messaging is more of a benefit than a
consequence, but using social media can actually be harmful ,
especially teens.
There are many reasons to say social media is harmful to teens.
Having people on their phones all day long is not only
disappointing, but also damaging. Instead of talking to someone
face-to-face and hanging out, they prefer just texting or going on
a social network. Using social media can have some adverse
effects. It causes cyberbullying, it can compromise education,
and it could have an effect on social skills. In addition, early
contact with electronic devices may harm teens' eyes. A reliable
statistic shows that there are about three million children across
the country suffering from eye refractive errors, of which two
thirds are nearsighted, mostly concentrated in urban areas with
the proportion of thirty - thirty five percent. Surveyed in some
schools, classrooms in big cities, the number of children with
myopia in a class can account for more than fifty percent. This
is an alarming number.
Parents should take a soft measure with this issue, because the
ban sometimes causes reactions and the opposite effect. Instead
of spending time on social media, we should participate in
outside activities such as flying kites, riding bicycles,
swimming, etc.
1/ [ in an age of ] : this should be [in an era of….] sound more
convinced.
2/ [that social messaging is more of a benefit than a
consequence] : this sentence should be changed, because I don’t
understand it.
3/ [especially teens] = this should be [especially on teens]
4/ {Having people on their phone] = I don’t understand
This can be [ People’s eyes stick to their phones]
5/ [A reliable statistic shows that there are about three million
children across the country] – More detailed
What is the statistic? Where is it come from? What country?
How can it believed to be a reliable one?
=> you should but the name of the article, author, year and
numbers. General research could make your work boring
( that would be convinced = reliable).
6/ [near-sighted] , this word should be written with a dash.
=> change [near-sighted] into [myopic], this sounds better and
academic.
7/ [concentrated in] => [concentrated on].
8/[ effect] = this should be [ effects]
9/ [percent] = [ per cent]
(o) introduction : You should list out the thesis
(b) body : the thesis should be showed by letting them in
separated paragraphs
(c) in conclusion : You should write some related words to tell
readers when your essay comes to an end.
(-)
- You should use redundant adjective to make your work shine
- You should use transition words
- you should use consequences : First, Second, Next….
- You should use conjunctions or adverbs of emphasis like :
However, Therefore, Otherwise,…..
- Your essay is still simple, but your abilities seem to be
improved.
- I don’t understand some sentences, because its meaning sound
weird, words management still clumsy.