1

Batting Zero
By James Hindman

James Hindman
205 West End Avenue Apt 12A
917-604-3398
Seidojim@aol.com

Abrams Artists
Charles Kopelman
275 Seventh Avenue
(646) 486-4600
Charles@dandkartists.com
 2

Batting Zero
3.12.19

CHARACTERS (2f) 20s – 30s

DIANE: A true Jekyll and Hyde baseball mom. One minute she’s a sweet-
tempered baker of lemon squares. The next, a hungry tigress who will do
anything to get her son’s team into the playoffs!

BETH: A math professor who knows nothing about baseball. She would rather
grade papers than watch the game. Until…

UMPIRE: Voice Over only.

SETTING:
Bleachers at a little league game. This can also just be a row of chairs. Diane’s
stuff is at one chair.

SFX: ambient sound of little league baseball game.
Lights up on DIANE in full baseball fan attire. She holds a
Tupperware container under her arm and is eating a lemon
square.
DIANE
Let’s hear some chatter people. Hey batter, batter, batter…
BETH enters, looking a bit lost. She carries a large book-bag.
She references some scribble on a piece of paper.
BETH
Excuse me… I’m sorry, is this The Cyclones versus The, uh…?
DIANE
The Smelly Soxs? Sure is!
BETH
Thank you.
DIANE
Your son one of the Cyclones?
BETH
He is. I don’t see his number but I’m sure he’s out there somewhere.
Beth sets herself up on a bleacher, pulls out papers to grade.
DIANE
What position does he play?
BETH
Oh. Not sure what that means.
 3

DIANE
Is he a pitcher, catcher, stort-stop…?
BETH
Keep going. Oh!...he talks a lot about being alone in a field.
DIANE
Probably an outfielder.
BETH
Yes, I’ll bet that’s it.
Diane offers her hand. They shake.
DIANE
Diane.
BETH
Beth.
DIANE
Nice day.
BETH
Sure is. Are we allowed to sit anywhere?
DIANE
Right there is perfect. Wait a minute…this isn’t your first game, is it?
BETH
It is.
DIANE
Whaat???
BETH
Usually I teach late on Tuesdays and…
DIANE
Well, this is fantastic! Welcome!
BETH
I was accused of not being a supportive mom so…
DIANE
It’s really a fun game.
BETH
I’m sure.
DIANE
You just need to open yourself up.
BETH
We’re not really an athletic family.
 4

DIANE
(looks out)
Hey, Ump?! Less talkin’ and more hittin’! Boom, boom, boom, baby! Ain’t got all
day!
(to Beth, sweetly)
What do you teach?
BETH
Math.
DIANE
A math professor…!
BETH
With too many papers to grade.
DIANE
…Wow!
BETH
(holding up papers)
Finals.
DIANE
Math is your game, huh?
BETH
(hardly looking up)
Hitting a quadratic equation over the goalpost is a homerun in my book.
(referring to paper )
Will you look at this? How do they expect to learn when they don’t listen?
(scribbling across paper)
No, no, no!
DIANE
Why don’t you let me show you how the game’s played?
BETH
(without looking up)
Sorry, I really need to….
DIANE
Come on! It’ll be fun!
BETH
I‘m just here to support him on the last game of the season, then I’m off the hook.
DIANE
Last game?! We win this, we’re headed for the playoffs!
BETH
There are playoffs?
DIANE
Of course there are playoffs.
 5

Diane is suddenly excited, looking out at the field.

Here comes my Billy! Want to see something amazing.
BETH
I wouldn’t know a triplet from a touch down.
DIANE
You’d be surprised how fast you catch on.
BETH
And I hate the whole ‘competition’ thing. It’s traumatizing. And to learn what,
how to hit a little white ball? God knows I want him to have fun but…
DIANE
(Out Front)
Come on Billy, choke up on the bat! Pretend that ball is the pitcher’s head and
knock it out of the park, baby! Kill him!
(Holding out her Tupperware container)
Lemon square?
BETH
(Taking one)
They look delicious. I feel that putting that sort of pressure on a child at such a
young age…
SFX: Bat hitting a ball.
DIANE pushes the Tupperware container into Beth’s hand.
DIANE
(Out front)
Yes! Run, Billy! Go for home! Shoulder down and cream that catcher! I wanna
see blood! Yes! Home run! You da man, Billy, you da man! We are going
straight to the top!
She turns to BETH who looks on in horror.
What do you think?
BETH pushes the lemon square in her mouth and speaks.
BETH
(Scared, with a mouthful of food)
Delicious! Moist! I love it!
DIANE
No, silly, I mean Billy. Doesn’t he have the most amazing swing for an eight year
old?
BETH
Amazing.
DIANE
I can’t take full credit. That forty thousand dollars in coaching really paid off.
BETH almost chokes on the lemon square.
 6

BETH
You spent forty thousand dollars?
DIANE
Well don’t look so surprised, Beth. He has a God given talent. Who am I to let a
second mortgage stand in his way?
BETH
That money could go toward a college education.
DIANE
(Out front)
Aw, Come on, Ump, get your head out of your butt and make a decent call for
once in your life. Yeah, I’m talkin’ to you! You want a piece of this?! You want a
piece of this?!
BETH
(a little uncomfortable)
I don’t see Bernice? I was hoping she could…
DIANE
Who, Bernie Parker? The minister’s wife? She hasn’t been allowed in this park
for weeks.
BETH
Why?
DIANE
The umpire benched her son so she ran him down with her SUV.
BETH
That’s terrible.
DIANE
Ah, he’ll be fine.
As BETH talks, DIANE’s focus remains on the game.
BETH
Parents have to learn to keep it in perspective. They’re third graders for
goodness sake! What are we teaching our children?!
DIANE
(Out Front)
What?! Bottom of the ninth, tied game, and ‘zero’ is up to bat?! ZERO?! Break
his leg and get a real athlete up there!
BETH
Zero?
DIANE
Look at him. Scrawny little nothing. Hey coach! Why don’t you hand out
shovels so we can all dig our graves now, huh?!
 7

BETH
Wait a minute, that’s my… his number isn’t zero. His number is ten! What
happened?
DIANE
The other kids hung him on the bat rack and peeled the ‘one’ off his jersey.
BETH
What?!
DIANE
Kids, it’s good to see they keep their sense of humor through all this. Why? Do
you know that kid?
BETH
Well…actually, he’s my…
Musical sting, lights change as BETH as she pleads with God.
God…please let him hit the ball! After a whole season of striking out. I know the
probability of that is…well zero! But theoretically…!
UMPIRE (VOICE OVER)
Strike One!
BETH gets an idea, grabs her calculator.
BETH
Okay…okay, let’s see…with a pitcher at…I’d say forty five feet away…and a ball
speed of… We’ll say thirty…twenty miles per hour…
DIANE
(Out Front)
Come on you little sissy. Get it over with so we can beat you up in the locker
room again!
BETH
No! No beat up in the locker...!
(calculating quicker)
With wind from the…(holds up her finger, types more)…and the barometric
pressure of…(types more) Come on, come on, come on…

UMPIRE (VOICE OVER)

Strike two!
DIANE
There goes the season!
BETH
(Screaming to Diane) A thirty five degree angle!
DIANE
What?!
 8

BETH
(to DIANE) Swing low! He needs to swing low! (to GOD) Please, God, make him
swing low!
DIANE
Swing low, Zero!
BETH
Oh, please, please, please…
SFX: a bat hitting the ball.
DIANE
He hit the ball!
BETH
What?! (to GOD) Thank you, God! Now…we need it to land on the
ground…that you so graciously bestowed upon us. So see that player out there
in right field – number seventeen! That is the most unpopular prime number of
all time! Nobody likes seventeen! (looking to field) Nobody likes you, seventeen!
(back to God) One bolt of lightning, that’s all I’m asking! (to herself, in horror)
Oh, what am I saying? I sound like Diane! (back to God) But it doesn’t have to
kill him, just spook him – shock him – knock him over!
DIANE
He dropped the ball!
BETH
What?!
DIANE
Seventeen tripped. The ball hit the ground!
BOTH
Thank you, God!
BETH
How about we sweeten the pot?! I start going to church every week and drop
twenty bucks into the basket!
DIANE
The ball is rolling to the fence!
BETH
(up to GOD)
I’ll never touch another single-use straw!
DIANE
He’s passing first. Zero’s headed for second!
BETH
I’ll only eat grass-fed cows!
DIANE
He’s headed for third…
 9

BETH
(Up to GOD)
I’ll only buy neutral-gender clothes for my kids!
DIANE
That stupid kid is heading home! Slide Zero! Slide!
BETH
Slide! Think of a scalene obtuse triangle and slide like you’re the hypotenuse!
DIANE
We won! We’re going for the pennant!
BETH
THAT’S MY SON! That zero is my son!!!!
MUSIC: Chariots of Fire. In slow motion, the mothers run to each
other, slap a ‘high five’ along with a series of bumps and slaps,
then end with a chest bump. Owe! Shake their bodies out of
control. Music out.
DIANE
Beth, you old kidder. Who’s been coaching him?
BETH
It’s a God given talent.
DIANE
It sure is. And you!...You should try out as assistant coach next year.
BETH
Oh, I don’t know…
DIANE
You just have to get the other mothers to vote for you.
BETH
How do you do that?
DIANE
Bring baked goods.
DIANE has gathered her things and is heading off.
See you next week at the playoffs?
BETH
The probability of that…is an absolute.
DIANE
Terrific.
BETH
I’ll bring a nice pound cake. Although the last one I made was a few ounces over.
DIANE
It’s all about balance.
 10

DIANE exits. BETH looks front.

BETH
Yes. I guess it is. Wow.
BETH heads off then looks back up to GOD and silently mouths.
Thank you, God!
BLACKOUT