ROCK&ROLL+WEIRDO ART+BAD IDEAS

FREE!
winter
#5

Hunx-DirtyDonny-AndyHuman-DannyJames&Pear-KingLollipop
WaxIdols-GuantanamoBaywatch-GavinMcInnes-JohnHolmstrom
 NEW YEAR’S WISHES FROM THE PORK FAMILY
the beauty of
I want pop music to get weirder and sillier! I want the 99% to recognize
banks to go fuck them-
weird pop again! Either suddenly or slowly. Also I want corporate
the consumer! Redistri-
selves for the duration of 2012. Demonstration of the power of
bution of wealth! For real this time. I love my credit union.
-Cody Blanchard (King Lollipop, Shannon & the Clams)

WINTER 2012 issue 5
2011 WAS CRAZY! IT WAS DEFINITELY THE YEAR WHEN EVERYONE FINALLY ADMITTED
THAT WE’RE FUCKED! FINALLY! I’VE BEEN SAYING THIS SINCE I WAS BORN, MAN. A LOT
OF US HAVE ONLY LIVED DURING THESE BUBBLE ECONOMY CYCLES SO IT SEEMS NOR-
MAL, BUT THIS ISN’T THE WAY IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE. THIS ISN’T A HEALTHY SOCIETY.
AMERICA DESERVES BETTER THAN STUPID ECONOMIC BUBBLES. WHAT ARE BUBBLES
FOR? POPPING! WE GOTTA BUILD OUR SHIT UP LIKE ONE OF THOSE HUGE BURGERS.
DON’T SKIMP ON ANYTHING. PUT IT ALL THERE. DOUBLE CHEESE BURGER WITH EVERY-
THING ON IT. YOU THINK THAT’S ENOUGH? YOU’RE WRONG. YOU NEED A STRAWBERRY
SHAKE & A LARGE ORDER OF FRIES. WHILE WE’RE AT IT, LET’S CHECK OUT A DRIVE-IN
MOVIE, LET’S GET A COUPLE BIG POP CORNS & A LEMONADE & SOME RED VINES. WE’RE
CHECKING OUT A LOCALLY MADE HORROR MOVIE WITH A BUNCH OF OPENING BANDS:
KING LOLLIPOP & GUANTANAMO BAYWATCH ON THIS SCREEN. THE OTHER SCREEN HAS
AN EXPERIMENTAL ART MOVIE. DANNY JAMES & PEAR & ANDY HUMAN ARE OPENING UP
FOR IT. WHEN IT’S OVER WE’RE GONNA GO TO A PARTY AT A RECLAIMED APARTMENT
BUILDING THAT’S BEEN CONVERTED INTO ARTIST STUDIOS & LIVING SPACES. THERE’S
A CAFE ON THE BOTTOM FLOOR, I’M DRINKING AN EGG CREAM & WATCHING “IT’S
CRAZY TIME” ON THE PORK INTERNET TV CHANNEL. THEN WE’RE GONNA HEAD OUT TO
THE RECLAIMED MALL WHICH HAS AN AMUSEMENT PARK INSIDE OF IT, APARTMENTS,
VENUES & COOL BOUTIQUES. IT’S OPEN 24-7! GONNA RIDE THESE MONSTER BUMPER
CARS & CRASH OUT. THAT’S WHAT WE’RE AIMING FOR IN 2012. IT’S PORK TIME KIDS!
TOMORROW BELONGS TO US! ROCK & RULE! -SEAN, Der SchweinReich Führer
WANTED! MORE READERS LIKE:
MANDEE GUSHUE!!!
Mandee is from Atlanta but she lives in
NYC now. Yo Mandee! She’s a free-
lance stylist & shop girl at Scout which
specializes in vintage Rock tour t-shirts.
She likes getting cocktails with sleazy
men & digging up cool thrift stores in
the nooks & crannies of Brooklyn &
Queens. Mandee hates bad hair days
& loves Rock&Roll & says, “You’re an
ANIMAL!” One day she hopes to live on
a real PIZZA FARM.
DEAR 2012: please bring me enough money to pay my band (for
putting up with me),
health & happiness to my loved ones, an actual door for my bedroom
IMMACULATE CONSUMPTIVE LP, a European tour, and the redistribu
, a copy of the live
tion of wealth
worldwide. -Hether Fortune (Wax Idols)
I wanna go to the
For the new year I wanna win the Mega Millions lottery!! If not that
know from the
pyramids. Pretty easy. Oh yeah I wanna meet Jimbo this year. You
Doors!! Ha -Omar “Apache” Hernandez
2012 makes me think of how Mint Records (where Cub, Neko
Case, The Smugglers are all started) will be 21 years old, and in
turn brings up thoughts of Vancouver Rock ‘n Roll! In the New
Year, I am hoping for success (What is success anyways? To me
its a review in PORK!) for Vancouver Bands like Nu Sensae, White
Lung, Weed, basically anything on the Deranged and Nominal
Record labels. Plus what about a full on Taco Bell in Vancouver?
We have been deprived for years of 7-layer action. Those deli-
cious taco-ish treats are perfect to eat while listening to the per-
fect album for eating, namely, 8-way Santa by TAD! Doot doola
doot doo ... doot doo! -Nardwuar the Human Serviette
don-ish potential.
To all PORK readers: may you have a 2012 that lives up to its Armaged
ends meet. Bounty
Here’s to the apocalypse of boredom, waiting in lines, and making
for all members of the fun generation!! -The Donnas
that we can
For 2012, which will be the 20th anniversary of Roctober, I am wishing
bizarre, sonically
continue to spread the word about unjustly obscure, beautifully
Fall music festival, a
strange rock n’ soul superheroes of yore, with our 50th issue, a
book of Roctober comix, an art show, and other strangeness. We
also wish that PORK
maintains the porkitude to last ‘til their 20th (because nothing smells
better than old,
old pork!) -Jake Austen of Roctober
it sparks a fresh new
I want people who have lost their luster to trip on a gold coin and
creative side. -Shannon Shaw (Shannon & the Clams)
NOBUNNY 2012 ABC WISH LIST: A steady place to live,
Batsignal/Bunnysignal, Cheaper drugz, Double it! (everything!),
Eat more girls, Form a new band, Genre destruction, Have this
rash checked out, Invent a time machine, Jokin & Smokin, Kill
from the heart, Love a lot, Move butts, No more banks, Orgasms
for the homeless, Punk Aliens, Queen Janelle, Ramones reunion
with zombie Joey, Johnny, and Dee Dee, Sex, Truth, Unreal
Reality, VHS, Wild Women, Xplode heads, Yippie Radicals, Zap
Comix Book collection.
rob cheese …
Robble! Rob rob robblty rob PORK robble 2012 robblations. Robble
sauce. Robble fast
more cheese … more more cheese and more more more special
Robblty rob first sign
robble young! Robble Now! Robble rob … rob robble apocalypse.
Mayan doom is LULU. -The Hamburglars

FRED MANDEE more intention.

I want to see everyone step up their game in 2012. I want less laziness,
more of it. I want to
I want to hear less “I wish I could wear/do/be/have that” and see
and longer nails,
FRED HUGHES IV!!! see girls with bigger hairstyles and brighter lipstick, tighter skirts
everyone rockin’ and rollin’ and getting shit done! I also would like
to learn how to drive
Fred is a six year old Oakland native!, great, duh! Good
in 2012 so I can take the BBQ Road Trip I’ve always dreamt of. Looks
proving that PORK is for the CHILDREN. stuff only! Drink water! -Amelia Hart
Watsupper Fred? Fred is a fan of PORK Semi-officially wishing to see and say and make and do way, way,
way more of all of
because it’s as juvenile as he is. Is it the black ribbons, 20s
these things in 2012: baroque florals, pierrot collars, black candy,
house plants, animal
Rock&Roll? The Weirdo Art? The Bad ragdolls, 30s paper party hats, whiskers on kittens, swan boats,
s, archery practice,
ghosts, tap classes, mushroom hunts, crystal caves, rock collection
Ideas? The girls? The pizza? Well, it’s mimes, neon pink sunsets, taffy hooks, olde tyme photos, boardwal
k soundtracks, boat-
Hockney glasses,
certainly not the photo of Boyd Rice er hats, chateaux/gateaux, botanical inks, paint messes, cat magic,
tiny succulents, secret
that caught his eye. At any rate, he looks ancient woods, wilderness camps, WPA lodges, stinging nettles,
preservation, feral
cactus and ephemera societies, lindnerisms, walkabouts, historic
forward to every issue and saw fit to girl scouts and wayward Persian cats, acorn berets, fox tails, fake
cakes and candy
hang the PORK & Pizza Party banners rocks -Fawn Gehweiler
since I don’t believe
on his wall. 2012 marks a presidential election and the end of the world. But
this next planetary
in either of those things, here’s what I want to see happen during
there’s someone
revolution. I wish that everyone would leave the jobs they hate because
a portable moonshine
out there who would love it. I wish that someone would build me
contact: distillery so I could spend more money on drugs. I wish that sex
would become the new
name of a good time. I
INTERNETPORK.COM religion because if we have to worship something, let it be in the
about it instead.
facebook.com/porkmagazine wish that people would stop wishing and fucking do something
twitter@PORKMAGAZINE
PUBLISHED by goblinko: -Rebecca Seung (Get Bent)
sean@internetpork.com Sean & Katie Äaberg Hiya, fellow Pork readers…Hope ya hadda good X-mas/Hanukkah/p
agan winter solstice
ificed goat’s
pobox 12044 GOBLINKO.COM celebration, and found plenty of new toys under your tree/menorah/sacr
to be the end of the
Eugene OR 97440 U$A head(?)! I hope you all have a happy 2012 (even if it does turn out
ALL CONTENT ©2011-2012 world), and spend the new year buying LOTS OF ART (wink wink,
nudge nudge)!
541*556*5778
GOBLINKO -Ben Lyon
certified kosher by: In 2012, I want a perfect body. -Seth Bogart (HUNX)
WEGRO Racial Harmony League,
The Bologna Indians, Jewish
Grandmothers of America & The Happy New Year ya fuggin turkeys! Thanks for nothin. Just
American Trash Culture Army. remember...Keep on smokin, keep on drinkin, keep on fightin, and
keep on eatin Pizza....Lotsa Pizza. See ya on the flipside ya frickin
Jabronis!!! xoxo Personal & the Pizzas P.S. Resolutions are for
sissys
secure places on a
PORK PERSONNEL: In 2012, I want to move my family to Sevastopol. There, I hope to
I want to travel to Genoa
French cargo boat that takes us to Constantinople. From there,
SEAN ÄABERG: Der SchweinReich Führer and Paris, and then to Geneva. In Geneva, I hope to be taken in
by my sister, Mme
pt of Picklesnoot
KATIE ÄABERG: PHOTOGRAPHY. $10K IDEAS. MANAGEMENT. Lowtzky and regain possession of my library and of the manuscri
devoted to George
Parade. I want to copy the end of the first part, as a separate chapter
CONTRIBUTORS: MAIYA BECKER, ALLISON DITSON, ANDREW Soros, and make a few changes and give it the provisional title Do
You People Need Any
during my lifetime,
GOLDFARB, AMELIA HART, BOBBY MADNESS, JASON McKAY, JAKE Money? I do not want to publish Do You People Need Any Money?
developed by Dos-
perhaps because some of its themes were already taken up and
RAT, DANIEL SHOUP, THE ILLAGE VIDIOT. toyevsky. I hope the second half of Picklesnoot Parade will neverthe
less be published
I worry constantly
MODELS: ALLISON DITSON, AMELIA HART, MIRANDA JENEE, nick in French and and Russian. It’s a difficult time for me and my family.
about the fate of the nation. - Charles Krafft
soracco, Athena WisotskY, THE PORK ARMY
PORK is published quarterly by GOBLINKO. SIX ISSUE SUBSCRIP-
where we met a mysti-
TIONS ARE AVAILABLE FOR $18 (more for foreigners) Happy 2012 from Bare Wires. We spent the winter time in Europe
its going to be awesome.
cal princess who told us whats going to happen in 2012. Relax,
PORK #5: 10,000 PRINT RUN We were really stoned, but it has something to do with your minds
eye and your DNA
hope it’s cool and that
SPECIAL THANKS: Nick & Danny Krause, Otto, Henry & Jimmy for being evolving or some shit?? Well, what ever you do this New Year we
you have fun doing it. PS Don’t ever change -Matthew Melton
so good, our advertisers & street soldiers!
THIS GLUTTONOUS LADY WANTS IT ALL IN 2012!!!! A MOUN-
WANNA ADVERTISE? CONTACT SEAN@INTERNETPORK.COM or TAIN OF MOOLA, A FOOT SPA, MY SEXY BOYFRIEND IN SEXY
CALL 541*556*5778 FOR PORK’S REASONABLE RATES! UNDIES, NO MORE DEBT EVER, FREEDOM , UNCONDITIONAL
PORK/GOBLINKO is available as a full-service ad agency & Fink Tank. LOOOVVVEEEEEE, MORE COOL RECORDS, LOTSA FOOT
MASSAGES, TO LIVE ON A CAT FARM IN OREGON, AND TO BE
From video games to TV spots to political strategies. HAPPY FOREVER!!!! -TINA LUCCHESI
STAND OUT FROM THE CROWD WITH GOBLINKO!
May we all bathe in endless bathtubs full of refried beans.
ALL CONTENT COPYRIGHT © 2011/2012 GOBLINKO. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. 2 OVER TEN. May there be an endless stream of rye and bellies full of
“I like comic books and anything with swastikas on it.” ~Dee Dee Ramone laughter. Here’s to another year of crispy fried optimism!
“If nobody’s getting mad, are you really being bad?” -Nelson Muntz Baaaahh!!” -Hottub
 Gewalttätigen & Zie
rlichen!

You’re about to witness the strength of sweet knowledge. by Sean Äaberg

FAMOUS DAVE’S SIGNATURE SPICY PICKLE CHIPS PEZ
DAMN! These little pickle chips are perfect! Sweet & spicy, Pez understands the concept of candy bet-
crispy & cheap. I don’t know who Dave is, so who knows about ter than most. Eating candy is one thing, you
his fame, but I’m telling you, these pickle chips are fantastic & shouldn’t eat very much of it, it’s not satisfying
they are also made in the USA. In these winter months when to eat tons of candy, it’s bad for you & it takes
the tomatoes are expensive AND nasty, Katie noted that these away from the true joy of candy which is that it
little suckers more than make up for their absence on our is novel, colorful, sweet & exciting. It is meant to
burgers. While we’re on the subject of pickles I’d like to just let be enjoyed in small amounts. PEZ emphasizes
the Universe know that pickle barrels should start showing up the ritual of eating candy, you must load up the
in corner stores & people should get really into pickles as the collectible dispenser & then eat the little candies
#1 snack food item. You can make them yourself, they have no one by one, by flipping up the dispenser’s head.
calories, they are historic, they are pickles, etc. When you’ve eaten the small amount of candy
provided, you put the dispenser up on the shelf
with the other dispensers & wait until you see
another cool PEZ up for sale!

NOVELTY PATCHES
When I was 8 or so my friend’s parents gave
me an enormous box full of 70s comics. It was
all Archie, Harvey, Dell, Key & Whitman titles
with a few war, ghost story & war ghost story
comics thrown in. I instantly understood the
comics as pop art. The colors, the drawing
style, the formulaic stories were all about the
aesthetics of comics, not about appeasing
what the audience thought it wanted, but in-
stead, expressing what comics were in a ritual-
istic fashion. I don’t really like reading comics
TOTALLY TOTE BAGS
anyhow, so it works for me. The ads were the
I don’t wear graphic t-shirts so I gotta get my flippant imagery on with tote bags & but-
really amazing part. You could order monkeys,
tons. Here’s Charlie is by rockworldeast.com. The fries tote is by Lazy Oaf. The “Fuck You!
alligators, Sea-Monkeys, banana stamps, Nazi
Punker” tote is from slashnburn.com. The Frankenstein tote is by Bold Banana & is a sick
helmets, farts & shits in a can, ventriloquist
green color. Katie got it for me & it’s my favorite tote bag.
dummies, armies in a box, stoner t-shirts &
“RACIST” CANDY novelty patches for pennies on the dollar. In
Pictured are Spanish “Conguitos” chocolate
the 80s only metal heads wore patches. I won-
covered peanuts & Finnish “Lakritsi” black
licorice. Some people would say that these are dered who wore these novelty patches? Oh,
racist, I would say that they are insensitive to weird old coolsters like me.
a small number of people’s emotional needs. PLASTIC BERTRAND
When I was a kid, these kinds of racial carica- Plastic Bertrand is the ultimate in
tures were largely washed out of public sight.
bubblegum Punk. Best known for being
When I first saw them I had to be told that
they represented black Africans. I used to go the Trojan Horse for hit song, “Ça plane
to the Ashby flea market every week & it was pour moi”, which he is not singing on
there via a black gentleman by the name of the recording he is credited with, Plas-
Professor Curtis that I gained an appreciation tic Bertrand cut a bunch of manic Pop
for racial caricature. Most of the time I was one Punk New Wave records that belong in
out of three white people at the flea market, I any weirdo artifice lover’s record col-
bought a bootleg video of “racist cartoons” &
lection!!! CONCEPT: Plastic Bertrand
Disney’s “The Song of the South” from him. I
became hooked on verboten cartoons! cereal fortified with amphetamines!
SUPER LEMON TASTE TROLL ASS ENYAS
We used to go to Oakland China I got really into TROLLS when I was
Town specifically to get OH! 10, until I got really self-conscious
SUPER LEMON candies & Haw that maybe I was playing with dolls.
flakes & now the Japanese These were tender years when I CALTROPS
are making SUPER LEMON was transitioning from listening Caltrops are little jack-like objects that are
TASTE soda which is the same to Novelty Music & Classic Rock designed to always land “point up” when
SHOCKINGLY INTENSE SOUR to Thrash Metal & Gangster Rap. thrown. The points then become an obstacle
TASTE of the candy in a soda! Part of the “crazy color hair stuck for who or whatever is after you on the
GADZOOKS! SO SOUR YOUR on ugly critter” CRAZE of the 60s, ground. These can go into people’s feet or
LIPS WILL GET SUCKED DOWN Trolls have redeemed themselves pop the tires of cars. Some caltrops are made
& OUT YOUR BOOTY-HOLE! in my mental picture of the uni- out of tubular wire so that self-sealing tires
SCREAM, “SOUR!” THEN COME verse & I’m collecting them again. cannot seal when they are punctured by the
BACK OUT FOR MORE! I LIKE Some are great, a lot of the 80s & caltrop which then becomes a shunt.
IT! 90s ones are lame.
SNOOPY THE ROYAL GUARDSMEN
Snoopy began his rivalry with the Just weeks after Snoopy began
Red Baron in 1966 in the Peanuts battling the Red Baron in the pages
comic strip. In the guise of a WWI of American newspapers, the Royal
flying ace, Snoopy imagined his Guardsmen cut the single, “Snoopy
dog house as a Sopwith Camel VS. The Red Baron” & were prompt-
type airplane & would engage ly sued by United Features Syndi-
in death defying battles with the cate. Shulz won all royalties from the
Red Baron for supremacy of the tune & the Guardsmen continued to
air. Like the other adults in the cut Snoopy songs.
Peanuts series, the Red Baron
was never shown, only leaving RED BARON MUSIC BOX
Snoopy’s dog house riddled with I am still kicking myself for pass-
bullet holes. ing this one up at the flea market.
Made by Schmid Co. in 1968, this
more than awesome wood music BARON VON
THE RED BARON box plays “Auf Wiedersehn” as the REDBERRY
Manfred von Richthofen, the Red Baron, is propeller spins. There is a matching I see something like this
the Ace of Aces, credited with 80 downed Snoopy music box. & I feel like we’re getting
planes in WWI. He was one of the “Knights of gypped. This was a nor-
the Air” when being a fighter pilot was likened mal kid’s cereal in 1972,
to being a knight during medieval times. 40 years into the future
He is famous for his bright red Fokker Dr.I the most radical you can
tri-plane emblazoned with enormous black RED BARON HOT ROD get in the cereal aisle is
Iron Crosses. Richtofen was gunned down The Red Baron hot rod was initially
Froot Loops. Baron Von
a model designed by Tom Daniel for
at 25 as he was dog-fighting Canadians. His PATCH Redberry tasted like fruit
last words were reported to be “kaputt.” The Monogram. A real roadster based on
From 1974, I have punch & he even had a
Red Baron returned in the 1960s as part of a this coolest of designs was built by
ATARI GAME this on my denim. rival cereal, “Sir Grape-
craze prompted by his rivalry with the beagle Chuck Miller & the car won the Oak-
Merchandising is going It used to be on fellow”. Redberry would
Snoopy in Charles Schulz’s “PEANUTS”. land Roadster Sweepstakes in 1968.
to happen when PEA- my red cruiser. exclaim, “Achtung! I’m der
From there the Red Baron went on to conquer Two more actual Red Barons were
NUTS are involved. berry goodest!”
everything, from hot-rods to pizza. built by Jay Orburg since then.
 GER TIM
UR E!!
B

!
by Sean Äaberg
Burgerdier General
Part of the Food Fighters se-
ries of toys from 1988-1989 by
Mattel, Burgerdier General is
the leader of the Kitchen Com-
mandos who fight the Refrig-
erator Rejects who are led by
the Mean Weener, a hot dog.
These toys were pretty rad &
absurd. I had “Private Pizza”. I
remember that they came with
guns that were originally pack-
aged with GI JOE figures but in
weird colors.

BURGER RINGS
Introduced in 1974, this Aus- SEAN: Hunx! What a great new record (HAIRDRESSER BLUES due out Frebruary 28th on
tralian snack combines the Hardly Art)! It took me a second to switch gears & expectations but I painted a new
corn-puff ring of a Funyun picture in my mind about this record, which reminds me of “bedsit rock”, the rainy day
with the essentialized essence jangly guitar pop made by England in the 80s & 90s. But, despite this being a “solo” Hunx
of burger. I had a case of these record, It’s not that wildly different than what you’ve been doing.
smuggled from the land of mul-
let-rock & spent an afternoon HUNX: Yah I dunno, I love English bands, they make the best faggy pop. I don’t think this
carefully tasting packet after record is very different either, but it’s definitely not Young Oldies or girl-group. Fuck, I
packet. Burger Rings taste like hate press releases cuz then every music critic basically just re-writes them but worse and
Funyuns, but with a strong, ask you the exact same questions. I wrote that our band “might be the first ever girl group
meaty over-current. They are fronted by a gay man” and then blah blah blah girl groups this girl groups that. I actually lied
conceptually cool, a puffy ring and told every reporter who asked that the film Sister Act got me into girl group music.
of burger flavor! It was actually my father’s faggoty taste that was to blame. Well, if you count The Pointer
Sisters as a girl group.

GUMMI BURGERS
The world of gummi burgers
has been taken over by those
Spongebob Krabby Patties
which taste & look exactly like
the original gummi burgers
by E Frutti, which is because
E Frutti makes them also. E
Frutti makes all kinds of crazy
gummi candies like gummi
pizza, gummi hot-dogs, gummi
octopi & gummi “Mother of
Pearl” which are gummy clam
shells with gummi pearls in-
side! WOW!
SEAN: I’m picturing a heart-breaking movie with Whoopie Goldberg raising you in an or-
phanage. This record is definitely less campy than the other two, or pretty much any other
project you’ve done in the past, I don’t think there’s a single burger reference in it.
HUNX: That would be the best movie! I haven’t talked about hamburgers in like I don’t
know 8 years?
SEAN: I was reading that because of people throwing songs at you & your first two records
being collaborations this solo record is a way to show people that you can do it all! BUT, for
anyone who has known you for a while or followed your work, they knew that already!
HUNX: Honestly I’m not trying to prove anything to anyone. I was just making creepy little
pop demos in my cave and didn’t wanna bother the girls in my band with them. Also it was
just fun to do my own stuff. I always turn into the organizer in all the bands I’m in so it was
nice to not have to arrange anything.

BURGER & FRIES T-SHIRT SEAN: You talked about writing some of the songs in some kind of sleeping trance-like
This t-shirt is pretty out of state! That’s amazing! I need to figure out how to work in my sleep.
control. I guess it’s being sold
at Wal-Mart because I saw it HUNX: They were really sad songs about people dying.
posted on some snarky blogs
talking shit about Wal-Mart SEAN: Have you done anything new with your art since we last talked?
shoppers & burgers & what-
ever man. I don’t like Wal-Mart HUNX: I was on tour forever and then accidentally homeless, then living on a farm in LA in
either, because it somehow the world’s tiniest bedroom. So my creativity zone hasn’t been exactly ideal.
mixes trashy & sterile which
is a losing combination in my SEAN: Describe your ideal “creativity zone”.
book. Although it describes
America today quite well: HUNX: That’s between me and it.
Trashy & Sterile.
SEAN: When will Hollywood Nails be debuting?

BURGER TIMER HUNX: SOOON.....

It’s always burger time so
what’s this burger timer really SEAN: I’m still looking forward to the H.U.N.X. record(s)!
about? Who uses a timer to
cook a burger at home? Only HUNX: I’ve been looking forward to that one too. I’ve also started a band with Jess from
nerds. This burger must be Brilliant Colors & Eric who runs Make a Mess Records. It’s called Petals. Hether from Wax
for timing other things, like Idols & I have also been talking about doing something together. I did kick her out of
mebbe timing how long it takes Hunx and His Punx like a million years ago but I like her pop sensibility and the fact that
to eat a burger? Or counting she talks a bunch of shit. I’m so fucking sick of all these shitty bands and hangers-on who
down the minutes until it’s time don’t wanna offend anyone and constantly try to meet all the right people. It’s a fucking sad
to take the tater-tots out of bullshit time in music. Who fucking cares? Everything is generic and stupid. I miss people
the oven? Or doing a burger like Courtney Love & Kathleen Hanna & even like Axl Rose and definitely Jay Reatard.
themed New Year’s count-
down? I think that’s it. SEAN: Based on the first single I thought that maybe Hether was co-writer on this record!
But then I read the press release. That’s awesome. I think it’s a great time for music, but
everything that needs to be popular isn’t popular yet. Everyone in PORK is a star & I want
BURGER YO-YO them all to say & do outrageous things!
There was a brief yo-yo trend
in the early 90s. I don’t think HUNX: The first song has sorta a Wax Idols vibe but the rest is not so much like that. I
there’s been one since be- don’t know what it sounds like.
cause kids today are so busy
VR cyber texting with their SEAN: I can imagine a record of “Seth Bogart” torch songs. Maybe when you’re 40.
autism & ADD that figuring out
how to do a yo-yo is probably HUNX: I’ll be doing the same shit when I’m 40 that I was doing at 16, so you can count on it.
beyond their ken. If you’re
going to spend time hanging SEAN: Fantastic. You described yourself as an entertainer, I’d love to see a Seth Bogart/
around with something in your Hunx morning show or evening show or all night evening show that turns into a really slop-
hands though, a burger yo-yo py morning show. Who are some of your ideal guests for ALL NITE WITH SETH BOGART?
(or cigarette) is gonna look
cooler than focusing on your hUNX: Kathleen Hanna, Courtney Love, Britney Spears, Danny Devito, Roseanne Barr,
texter like an emo turd. Ke$ha.

SEAN: It’s raining out, you are stuck in your room, what is your ideal take-out & entertain-
ment combo?

SETH: Strangers with Candy TV show + Filet Mignon... (awkward silence)

He’s a street-walking cheetah with a pock-
et full of crayons! He’s a Canadian Weirdo
Artist who relocated to San Francisco to
enjoy the American Dream by California
Dreaming. I like Donny because he comes
from the same roots as I do. He used to do
a Punk zine called “Dirty”, which gave him
his nick-name. He obsessed over weird
campy shows like the Hilarious House of
Frightenstein & other pop culture trash.
He’s obsessed with vans & denim.
SEAN: You’ve risen to the top of the quivering, pulsating heap of Weirdo Artists, how
did you come across this insanity as a kid & how has it grown with you into adulthood?

DONNY: Top of the heap! Ha ha. Thanks. Leo’s Hobby & Barber shop in the west end
of Ottawa Canada, I used to frequent that place. You could get your haircut and buy
a model kit! I would scoop up as many Roth, Weirdo and Polar lights model kits as I
could, and get my hair cut! I still love the box art from those kits! As a kid growing up in
Ottawa I collected comics, watched TV and built weird Frankenstein bikes. You know,
mixing and matching from different bikes I had found in the garbage. When I wasn’t
drawing I was listening to music or getting into trouble. In my early teens I got into
skating and that led to Punk rock. I was a shit disturber, this one time I got kicked out
of the mall. I was fishing for quarters with a horseshoe magnet i stole from school. All I
wanted was a hamburger, haha. I also played in a pile of shitty bands and later did my
own fanzine, “Dirty”. That was a blast and it was well received, but after a few issues
the art took over. I had a good circle of friends that I drew with. We would try to out
do each other with weird ideas. My buddy Trev was the best. He drew like a little kid
but did the most fucked up comics. Earwig talk, Friendly Giant Glass Tiger and Sluts
where a few of his titles, haha. So I was doing my fanzine but getting more art jobs
and that’s what I really wanted to do, so I just stopped doing the magazine and went
freelance full-time.

HOT DAMN! LOOK AT THIS THING! BEATNIKS is a Kustom one of a kind

pinball game commissioned by James Hetfield as a tribute to his car
club “the Beatniks” by Dirty Donny, Wade Krause & Tanio Klyce. Fea-
tures tunes by the Knuckle Dragger, the Demonics, the Dynotones & the
Ghastly Ones. Dirty Donny has also done Hellacopters & Metallica kus-
tom pinball games.

SEAN: You’ve become Metallica’s artist, maybe filling Pushead’s shoes. How is it
working with Metallica AFTER they became the biggest band in the world?

DONNY: Mostly I have worked for them individually. I’ve done a few things for the
band, guitar picks, T shirts and the custom pinball machine but mostly it has been
work for the members on a personal level. As a freelance artist, having Metallica as a
client is amazing, it has opened many doors
for me over the last decade. I think the
highlight for me was making their custom
pinball machine. I got to pick the music and
Hetfield did some voiceover samples, we
really went off on that thing. You can see it
on youtube as well as other weird art stuff I
did for them.

SEAN: You’re a Canadian, do the elements

of Weirdo Art & Kustom Kulture thrive in
the Great White North? You’re now in San
Francisco, how does this compare?

DONNY: Barely. I moved to Montreal

for 5 years back in the 90’s, because
the rent was so cheap and I could get
down to business. For me, personally
there was only so much I could do in
Canada. I was visiting San Francisco
quite a bit. Printings posters and taking
commissions. That’s when I got hired by
Metallica to do murals at their rehearsal
space. I basically never left. Moving to
San Francisco was the right thing to do.
Part of the reason I’m able to do what I
do is because I moved to California. It is
a lot easier to get inspired when you are
smack dab in the middle of it all. Plus,
fuck the snow bro! I still miss Ottawa
sometimes, it has a great music scene
and the people are great but California
is my home and the burritos far surpass
the ones from Canada. No poutine though. I visit quite a bit and still have lots of friends
there. I just finished a cartoon video for my old friend Luke Marin’s band the White
Wires.Dirty Donny has a solo show at Copro Nason Gallery in Santa Monica, Feb. 25th.
I also dig his blog! dirtydonnyart.blogspot.com
 The first time I met Andy “Human” Jordan, my little brother Danny James dragged him
along with my teenage Punk band “The Masked Men” to go hang out with the pre-Donnas
“Ragady Anne” in Palo Alto. He was high-energy & kinda nerdy with glasses & curly hair.
The next time I saw him was on the bus & he had gotten the Punk fashion bug. Later on
he joined the Cuts & they went on tour with the Donnas. Danny James joined the Cuts
shortly after. We’re both in the crew 2/10, we both worked for the Oakland Library, I used
to buy tapes from his dad’s record store before I knew who they were. Since then he’s
gone on to form Buzzer, the Time Flies, LENZ & Andy Human & make consistently good,
cool music.
SEAN: A long time ago, you were poised to be the singer for my crashing & burning band The Masked Men,
with Danny James playing bass. You jumped up on stage to close out the Masked Men’s “last show” to do “If
The Kids Are United” by Sham 69, which would have been a great transition if the band was to continue, but
it wasn’t. You then joined up with Chuck & the Cuts after if I remember correctly, passing out in his shower &
bonding over a common love of the Pagans. This was during all that Fin De Siecle stuff going on which really
had an effect on me, I was determined to not let the 90s close & the 2000s open with me doing the same old
thing.

ANDY: Remember when I attempted to have The Masked Men play that SF warehouse show in the late 90’s?
We ended up getting drunk (cider) outside and Dan started asking people if they were ‘emus’ because we
didn’t know what emo was. We had mohawks and spiked jackets and they had Morrissey haircuts and high wa-
ter pants. We didn’t end up playing for those people but we did do a soundcheck for some reason. Later I met
Chuck (Carlos now, and don’t you forget it!) and did indeed pass out in his shower. The next day he played me
all kinds of stolen records while we ate some stolen filet mignon. I remember hearing The Pagans, The Real
Kids and DMZ, to name but a few, for the very first time. I was into seventies British punk and New York stuff
mainly. So all that stuff combined made up The Cuts’ world. In the beginning.
SEAN: Ha ha, I remember one of the guys there apologizing to me for pussing out in his fashion & making
all these excuses for why he was an emo now. I think he wrote for MRR? He did have cool penny-loafer type
shoes though. So, I mean, Filet Mignon & cool records, what’re you gonna do? The choice was obvious. But a
lot of people were confused by the Cuts because you guys went beyond just the trappings of 70s Rock & Roll
and were writing real songs. I think this is important in understanding what you do because you could just be
one of these aesthetic rehashers & doing all of the right sounds & fashion & moves & everything, but you go
beyond that & use that vehicle for your own song-writing.

ANDY: Confused. Vexed. Baffled. Or downright pissed-off! The Cuts were indeed misunderstood by most
who had the good fortune to see us in our prime. Remember, for the first 4 or 5 years of The Cuts existence,
there was no ‘garage revival’ or ‘rock’ scene at all. That is to say, here in the Bay there were still a few older
SF folks doing sixties influenced music, but otherwise it was a wasteland of shit we didn’t understand, like
emo and pop-punk. We were really only listening to older records, for better or worse. And just writing songs
and learning to play in a band. Always the hard way, because we were insular, underage and arrogant. Also
we never learned how to self-promote in the established way. We only gained notoriety for our deeds, of
which the negative aspects were invariably exaggerated.

SEAN: Are you still working at the library? How does working at the library effect you? Most people don’t
know that most of the Cuts & 2/10 people have worked at the Oakland Public Library at one point or another.
Gene Simmons said, “I wanted to be in a band that gave bang for the buck. I wanted to be in the band who
didn’t look like a bunch of guys who, you know, should be in a library studying for their finals.”, which I read
while “working” in the library which made me quit the library.

ANDY: I would never take advice from Gene Simmons. That seems like a huge mistake. We certainly didn’t look like we worked
at the library, nor can I ever recall studying for any finals! Me and Carlos both work there still. I’d love to say that my job is a
creative influence or something but it’s really become just a way to get by, like most jobs. I’d rather work at the library than
most places, but can anyone really say they like their ‘job’? Working is great, jobs suck. ‘Duty’ sucks.

SEAN: I wrote Gene Simmons a fan letter when I was five talking shit that my tongue was longer than his (truth). So, who in the
world of rock’s advice would you take then?

ANDY: Kim Fowley always has something to say. I like what Dave Thomas from Pere Ubu has said over the years regarding
rock music. He seems like an asshole I’d like to know. I’m sure he’d piss off many PORK readers!

SEAN: I think for BUZZER & THE TIME FLIES, “Reagan Youth” was listed as a key influence. Their two records were among
the first twenty Punk records I bought & really clicked for me in terms of a certain tone for Punk, which was also there in the
movie Suburbia. Of course, I was getting into this after the fact & constructing what I thought Punk was supposed to be us-
ing media objects. This is more of an artist’s approach to the subculture & I’ve noticed the same thing with you, in terms of
research, studying, assembling & then presenting a final product based on all of this preparation.

ANDY: Reagan Youth had a great first album and I love Suburbia. So here we have Penelope Spheeris’ B-movie but neverthe-
less ‘Hollywood’ approach to Punk vs. WHAT IT WAS REALLY LIKE (MAN!) ‘Street Punks’ who run away from lower-middle
class families and squat and spange in Berkeley vs. ‘House Punks’ who stay at home with their moms and read old issues
of Flipside and MRR. Bomp. Creem. (It’s ALL spectacle, baby!) Whatever, it’s all on the internet now. Which seems to make
pop/media culture even more disposable. I’ve always been obsessive about the things I love. Reading about my obsessions
is natural. As far as ‘art’ is concerned, everyone has a different method. Artists are a necessary part of any real subculture.
I listen to older music, mostly, but I can’t tell what influences me anymore. I used to try and come up with really intricate ar-
rangements and chord progressions to avoid recycling riffs but nowadays I try not to analyze it so much and let songs grow
themselves. Simple patterns. I think spontaneity is important in writing pop or rock music. Repetition, also. Repetition. Also.
SEAN: Speaking of art, you were kind of initiated into the world of underground comics by Spain
Rodriguez right? Spain published the first underground comix paper “Zodiac Mindwarp” which would
in turn inspire sleaze rocker Zodiac Mindwarp.

ANDY: I don’t know Zodiac Mindwarp but Spain taught a cartooning class at the Mission Cultural Cen-
ter in the late-80’s/early 90’s that I went to. My dad knows him through mutual friends and that gave
him a chance to further acquaint himself and expose me to a great teacher and influence. Later, I took
private lessons at Spain’s house. I still read and love comics (and comix!), but haven’t created one for
some time.

SEAN: With Andy Human & LENZ you’re moving into this world that Glam bands like Japan & Ultravox
entered in the late 70s when they invented New Romantic music. I always felt like there was a lot of
room in that music because you’ve got prog experimentalism, disco, funk, punk, glam which embod-
ies both fifties & sixties rock & pop in general, so you can pretty much do anything & you can have the
swagger of David Johansen or Bowie as the Thin White Duke, you can still have a cool guitarist like
Thunders playing these kinds of songs. It’s also both nostalgic & futuristic at the same time, romantic
& realistic. Your Red Plastic album embodies all of this as well.

ANDY: I think I disagree here. Don’t get me wrong, I love glam, but while the music I have released
lately does have a nod to Ultravox or Japan, I think that is due to my instinct for writing succinct pop
songs, regardless of process or self-consciousness in style. However, I feel that those two bands in
particular embody a limited concept, precisely because they pay such homage to their heroes. During
a period when so many bands were experimenting so boldly, in the UK, America, Europe, etc... with
influences that include Reggae, Dance and Avant-Garde 20th Century music, listening to Japan and U-
vox can leave one a bit cold. That said, I have a fondness for a good many songs by each band, and do
not mind being compared to either. If my album is romantic, realistic, nostalgic AND futuristic, that’s
good enough for me! It’s a continual process and LENZ or Andy Human may sound quite different
soon. Or exactly the same. I’m more interested in the journey than the arrival.
If I arrive anywhere it will be by accident!
 Danny James is the youngest of the Oakland Äaberg
brothers (I am the oldest), he was previously in The Cuts
& has released an incredible solo record on Burger Re-
cords called Danny James & Pear. We exchanged words
in Oakland’s Chinatown at 3am outside of our old favorite
restaurant “Xìngyùn Fàngpì Lian Ya”. We had leftover boxes
of “Mongolian Knee” & “Happy Five Nuts”. The streets
breathed the Chinatown smells of rancid grease & laundry
steam & the weird birds from Lake Merritt lurked in the
shadows, waiting to eat the crayfish that come out of the
sewers at night.
SEAN: When GOBLINKO’s magazine GO! ceased publication I wanted to do a magazine
called APPLE. Everyone said it was too APPLE-Y & I didn’t understand, but I agreed
that maybe APPLE had already been thoroughly brand identified. So we went with OR-
ANGE, which is the color of 1974, Clockwork, Tang & soda. Tell me about Danny James
& PEAR & what you’re doing here.
DANNY: The side of the LP without the playing cards and the last supper is an obvious
riff on the old Beatles’ Apple Corps design; it IS an apple green, on a black field, and
when you pull on the stem it extends into a full bodied pear, thanks in part to the ingenu-
ity of Ivar at the Key Printing and Binding, another bunch of Two Over Tenners. Me and
him went over a half dozen ways to turn an apple into a pear. PEAR is just another way
we’re preserving the old ways, the apple to pear mechanism a continuation of the leg-
acy of arts and crafts. The name PEAR evolved out of Yoko Ono’s art exhibitions in the
sixties, from her installation of just a simple apple, to her book, Grapefruit, which later
Lennon took and gave to another great band. PEAR was originally just me and General
Luau on rhythm guitar, calling ourselves Working World, tongue in cheek, (it was gonna
be a one-off Beach Boys inspired Bubblegum group), but after brother Michael “Tiger”
Louis came into the fold, the whole concept sailed off into a crazy glam fusion dimen-
sion, with us struggling to catch up. PEAR might be the album, PEAR might be the band,
but any way you look at it, PEAR sounds like PEAR, to paraphrase Gertrude Stein... no
pear intended.
SEAN: You’re in the low-fi Rock & Roll scene, but this record is a big pop record, it’s
reminding me of a strange child of Pink Floyd & ELO & funk rock acts like Funkadelic &
the Isley Brothers. This record needs to make its way into the right hands. I can see the
English eating this thing up.
DANNY: You can? How savage. Well, maybe with some clotted cream, hot buttered
rum battered flapjacks, Baked Alaska, diet soda and Supper on a Slice. Here to meet-
cha! Some journalist misquoted me a year ago in my answer to what we sounded like;
she said: “Larry Graham and Queen on the floor with the Raspberries.” I always liked
that. Never liked anything intentionally art-damaged. Either you were a Punk and it
came naturally, or you’re a poseur. Fair enough? Hi! How are you?
SEAN: Quite well, thanks. So if this record is about your wife Lacey then what will the
next record be about?
DANNY: This: . It’s a sigil representing sigils. So, naturally, the album will be called
“Danny James and Pear presents Sigil and the Once and Future Band”. The songs, too,
will fall in line. In case you can’t tell, I am the son of Herne the Hunter; I let him pick the
subjects of my songs. Half the lyrics for PEAR were written before I had met my wife,
but they’re all about her anyway. I haven’t met the subject of the new record, yet. Maybe
they’re about Lacey, too. Dear Herne, as we speak I have another blacked-out girl in my
living room. Herne save me!
SEAN: It says on this press release that we’re brothers. “Danny James & Pear” was
produced by our brother Mike “Tiger”. Mom must be proud!
DANNY: Yeah, well my first two names ARE Daniel and James, and you would lop the
end off your name too if there was a successful weirdo artist and magazine editor out
there named Sean Aaberg. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with nepotism, either. In
my life, often times, its the only way to get anything done. It’s no different than working
with your friends. Besides, we have such high standards that when one of us is miss-
ing the plot a little we simply give him some space to get it together until that brother
or sister or rival catches up. A competitive atmosphere helps us advance. This doesn’t
mean that the village idiot (you know who you are) isn’t the best drinking buddy. Every-
body plays the runt at one point or another, can’t be bitter.
SEAN: You can’t help who you are, & indeed, this is the sort of nepotism that comes
with beatings. Let’s talk about high standards, we all have heavily involved codes &
rule-books & orders swirling around our noggins, America is a land in decline, I’ve
always thought that we are the solution to this, it feels fated.
DANNY: Why else would you have three beautiful kids? So, you’re twelve years old,
and you finally find some other friends with divorced parents and mohawks. I found
seven or eight of them in Junior High, punks, skins, even rude boys. You play music,
stud your jackets, and see who can draw the best mouse on the wall. If you lose, ac-
cording to your friends, you can’t draw, so you hate them. But you get better. And this
continues for years and years, but more collaboratively; my friends, who later became
the Cuts, Crazy Time Video, Thiefs Crew, Comic Island, the Key, Oldies Night and
finally the Two Over Ten Preservation Society all made me who I am today. Our moral
compasses might be a little screwy at times, but we’re all searching for the Holy Grail
of Altruism. And as for you pencil necked geeks rapidly inheriting the earth, it’s simple
mathematics, do your best; if you shout health benefits into the ether, health benefits
are gonna bounce around and eventually download onto your vintage copy of Leisure
Suit Larry, and vastly improve your chances of Vulcan domination. I don’t have to make
sense with a question like that.
SEAN: It has been what, six years since the Cuts broke up? How has it changed in
terms of what you were trying to express in the Cuts compared to what you’re doing
with the new record?
DANNY: I quit the Cuts because I wanted to take things further, keep pushing myself.
That’s the kind of band I thought we were, and if you listen to the records, it’s true; we
covered a lot of ground, wrote some really weird, catchy songs. But then something
happened that happens to a lot of bands six or seven years in: total chaos. I mean, if
I hadn’t got off that bus I would’ve killed myself: drugs, drugs, drugs. But if your band
was really good, you won’t stop hearing about it for six years, ahem, and so here we
are, together again, playing Chuck’s beautiful wedding and New Year’s Eve. And it’s
nice, it’s easy. But I need a band where when I say “seven-part harmony here!” they
say “sounds good, asshole, sir!” and I say “that’s what I would like a lady.” And that’s
what I’ve got!
SEAN: Leaving the vermin-filled nest as it were, I agree with that. I think that for bands
to survive all that craziness that happens six or seven years in, they do something silly
like go to America & record the Joshua Tree.
DANNY: We already went to El Paso and recorded
the Asarco Tower [“Paradise”, 2 Over Ten, The Cuts].
When they emptied the waste from that chemical
plant, it would flow down the hillside as bright and red
as magma, until it hardened into slag. Then we’d run
around the metal catwalks in the middle of a thunder
storm. Am I bugging you? Didn’t mean to BUG ya.
SEAN: We talked previously about the impact Amy
Winehouse’s death had on both of us, I could easily
see you & Michael writing, arranging & producing
records for her if she was still alive. Have you noticed
any vocalists with that level of character out there?
DANNY: Okay, we tried that. Papa Aaberg was asked
to produce this poor little sixteen-year-old Montanan
girl, but he pawned her off onto his sons, Michael and
I, and we basically gave her a complete overhaul and
tried our damnedest to create something decent. I
gave her some Marianne Faithful and Francoise Hardy
records ‘cause she spoke French; smart right? But
everyday she would come into the studio and say
things, like when we were crossing the Bay Bridge:
“Isn’t this the second biggest target for the terrorist
 in the U.S.A?” “Why, yes. Yes it is.” And she wore these
little skirts, and as the music got worse and worse,
Mike and I both started smelling shit. At one point, I did
something completely unethical: we couldn’t get a good
vocal on this song about scrambled eggs in the morning,
or something equally horrifying, so we used a program
called Beat Detective, which is only supposed to be
used to sync drums and rhythms, and I sang the vocal,
which made something in my brain snap, and then we
synced her voice to mine! It felt like I was teaching an
android how to cry. And all the time her skirts were get-
ting shorter, the music was getting worse, and the shit
was getting stronger. On the last day I had to go into the
bathroom, turn the light out and lay on the floor just to
avoid the smell of shit. No regrets.
SEAN: Did you at least sell her to an old Chinaman in
San Francisco?
DANNY: I tried, but, to be fair, she was just awful. Do
any of the Porkettes sing? They have short skirts right?
SEAN: Certain kinds of people from Oakland & thereabouts, let’s call them “neighbors”,
make up all sorts of crazy slang. There’s always been weird slang coming out of the
2/10. Tell the readers about Gurpers, Skurchers, Danglers, Tweezers & Shapsters.
DANNY: I didn’t raise you to use that word! I’m the original Gurper, Gurper Dan! With
every PEAR LP we’ve included a few collectible Gurper cards, illustrated by, er, you! A
Gurper is somebody lacking social skills, who acts inappropriately in any and all situa-
tions and is in a very uncool way in general, man. Its origins lie in the 1988 Role Playing
Game, Generic Universal Roleplaying System. Say no more. Skurchers make ono-
matopoeic sounds with their sneakers in parking lots or back alleys at 3 AM. They may
be casing your house as part of a schizophrenic, underground COINTELPRO, they may
be selling roxys out of Montclair, but they’re absolutely none of your business. A Dan-
gler is anyone from Berkeley in the music scene who’s too worthless to be a groupie or
a roadie. They can be found in free-style cyphers, telling you not to use the word “bitch”.
Tweezers are sidler crabs, clipping the tines from Captain Fender Roques, while
Shapsters are pre-pubescent hip-hop producers and rappers trying to up each other
with the brattiest beats imaginable, often just one note played in alternating octaves.
And finally, a Rick is a tagger and a leader of Danglers, often the stepson of someone
extremely hairy and pear-shaped and running for public office. Rick will stare through
you and break your knee-caps while laughing by way of farting, and he never, ever lets
his friends get cold. Collect ‘em all!

SEAN: They better not sing or they’re gonna end up in the Willamette river
wearing concrete socks! Oh, you mean, sing, well, Miranda plays in The Blimp.
We’re part of this thing called 2 over Ten, which is also the Cuts’ second
record. What is 2 over Ten?

DANNY: You know very well what the Two Over Ten Preservation Society
is. Just like that classic Kinks song: “Preserving the old ways from being
abused/Protecting the new ways for me and for you/What more can we do?”
But, these days especially, we’ve got to protect ourselves from the Secret
Skurchers who have been very busy sabotaging the Occupy Movement and

DANGLER

SKURCHER

have been destroying Oakland for over fifty years, since before the Panthers, so I can’t
divulge all of our activities, just the preservation of beautiful things that the bureau-
cratic streamlining of our culture is destroying. I can, however, throw you some Jungian
hints and red herrings, okay? Where do you put your hands on the steering wheel? Two
o’clock over Ten o’clock. Moving on, if you reduce the incorrect fraction “two tenths”,
you get one fifth, which is my drug of choice. Going the other direction, 2/10 is equal to
4/20, Hitler’s Birthday, so maybe that’s got something to do with it. I’m talking to you,
Portland, Oregon. But Two Over Ten most definitely never, ever has anything to do with
marijuana, at least when you’re talking to me. Even more cryptically, if you look at the
cover of the vinyl, it has two playing cards in the foreground over a table scene with ten
different Black-Bean Activists. It’s hobo slang. Look it up.

SEAN: Two Hands, Ten Fingers. One Ring, Three Singers. Nine Riders. Thirteen Finders.
You should record a Lord of the Rings themed record like Bo Hansson (RIP)!
SHAPSTER
DANNY: Those punks I talked about turned into artists, and when I was living with
them near the Oakland Rose Garden, listening to Bo Hansson, I came up with PEAR.
Andy Human and Ben Brown would bring their lead miniatures over and paint them by
RICK
the fire, while my friend Ellen and I would do things and make paintings. It was quite
the cozy. I also remember reading the Lord of the Rings aloud to the Cuts when there
weren’t any groupies and we slept together. My keyboard player, Joel Robinow [Drunk
Horse, Howling Rain], and I wrote a great Oxfordshire folk song for the next record
called King of all the Dead.

SEAN: You used to do this great sketch comedy show “It’s Crazy Time!” with Doug
Freedman, are we ever going to get that on DVD or online or?

DANNY: I still make Crazytime sketches, but Doug took his camera to LA, and Owen
took his camera to New York. In fact, I recently made one of the craziest sketches in
a long time, with Chris Lux, Zoe Gholson and Owen Cook, where I’m a failed business-
man, and Chris is a German Nazi ex-patriate giving me advice at an outdoor cafe. I
won’t spoil it, but it ends with us worshiping a talking deer skull over several hundreds
of years, with the grass growing around us. It is our masterpiece. Not really. A lot more
ambitious projects are in the works, feature length stuff, like an adaption of The Golden
Bough by Sir James George Frazer I’m working on with my wife Lacey, and some
original sci-fi screenplays with Ivar. They’ll all have that special incompetent Crazytime
touch. And of course, three PEAR music videos will be online soon, for Tightlipped,
Boomerang Kids and the third song’s a secret, ‘cause I haven’t decided yet. If you
wanna see It’s Crazytime online, call Doug at (510) 484-3370.

SEAN: Cool, I’ll call him right now. Do you need a ride home?
TWEEZER
DANNY: I gotta go to mom’s to do laundry.

GURPERS © 2011-2012 SEAN & DANIEL ÄABERG

 MEGA MIX - PORK REVIEW SECTION AGAINST THE GRAIN RADIO
Hey! The Mega Mix is PORK’s review I listen to a lot of talk radio while I’m working &
section. PORK only reviews stuff I like, it’s hard to find shows that are intelligent enough
because who needs bad reviews?! Not you. for me to check out. I’ve been listening to Against
the Grain for a long time & have found it to be a
Not me. That said, I’m always looking for great resource for seeing how actual leftist think-
cool shit to tell people about, that’s a big ing is developing & what the current trajectories
part of why this magazine exists! If I like it, & trends are within that political stripe. As I keep
I’ll review it & put it in the Mix or in the Street emphasizing, I don’t have a political stripe. I see
& Sweet section if it fits. If there are bands, political systems as tools for specific jobs, but
not of any inherent value or “rightness” unto
artists, books, clothing, people of note, themselves That said, I try to keep abreast of
youtubes or WHATEVER that we need to all the different types of political tools available
know about, let us know! because not only are they interesting, but they
POBOX 12044 could very well be useful in the future! Against
EUGENE OR 97440 U$A the Grain runs the leftist anarchist gamut, with a
sean@internetpork.com bit of Marx sneaking in from time to time. There’s
an archive of it on againstthegrain.org -SÄ
tweet @porkmagazine

TOXIC VISION WEIRDO ARTIST - WARE SCULPT

Take all of those broads from 80s Heavy Metal Ware is a fantastic sculptor out of Japan. His
videos & Heavy Metal magazine covers & then bread & butter seems to be these cool little
condense all of those elements into a fashion Weirdo key-chain charms which he knocks out
line & you’ve got Toxic Vision! Totally perverted for himself & also for all manner of other clients.
Heavy Metal sex nymphette gear.The motorcycle His caricatures are fantastic & his reference
style jackets have an awesome cut & her place- points impeccable. I’m trying to figure out how
ment of studs & spikes is very correct, unlike the Japanese are making cooler Weirdo refer-
a lot of people studding their gear who aren’t ences than Americans & I’m just chalking it up to
initiated into the Rock&Roll mysteries. There are a consistent ability for the Japanese to under-
correct places to put studs! Did you know that? stand aesthetics. The true Weirdo Artist has a set
Now you do. Anyhow, Toxic Vision also does of traditional reference points, but because they
these metal t-shirt onesie things, bustiers, super- are also wild, bohemian, experimental artists,
tight leather pants & all sorts of other stuff. The they bring their own cool flavors to the old stan-
models need to have weapons in the photo dards. The Japanese are doing this in amazing
shoots. Katanas & Uzis for sure, also dangerous ways. They make connections you don’t see in
animals like wolves, bats, vultures, rats, electric American Weirdo Art & cool Japanese forms ap-
eels & knives. etsy.com/shop/toxicvision. -SÄ pear also. I dig it. waredeath.exblog.jp -SÄ

WEIRDO ARTIST - MERKLEY??? VICTORIAN HOUSES

Merkley came onto my radar because someone When I’m around Victorians, I sometimes won-
posted a picture he took of Brandi Bytheway der why people built any other kinds of houses.
of Hunx entourage/Hollywood Nails fame & I What we call Victorians in the USA are actually a
was kinda blown away by this photo so I started hodge podge of architectural styles full of Gothic
snooping around on his flickr & came across flavor. The Bay Area is full of these mammer
his amazing series of photographs. Merkley??? jammers & they are full of character & class, no
shoots mostly naked ladies in fantastic staged matter WHAT kind of neighborhood they’re in.
photos with really interesting details. They feel Oakland’s poorest neighborhood “West Oak-
like neon 80s skin mags & Italian commercials land” is FULL of Victorians & they lend a dignity
mixed with Jodorowsky & John Waters movies. & history to the area that speaks to its potential.
If HALF the nudie photography out there was The Victorian style looks fantastic even if the
this interesting & smart, all the little boys & girls houses are crammed together mass housing for
looking for pictures of titties to look at would gain the working class or enormous mansions for the
mental fortitude & character, as their birthday moneyed types. Victorians lend themselves to
suited broads would be Trojan Horses carrying awesome flourishes like wrap-around porches,
secret codexes of important knowledge. For the tall ceilings & my personal favorite: TOWERS.
New Year I demand all erotica to be fortified with ONE DAY WE WILL HAVE A HOUSE WITH TOW-
additional information! -SÄ ERS. -SÄ

THE DISCONNECTS - ARE HEALTHY WEIRDO ARTIST: TOM BUNK

The Disconnects are a Punk Rock&Roll outfit I first discovered Tom Bunk’s artwork via
out of New Jersey. They do that 70s American the backs of Garbage Pail Kids. His style
Punk worship that I dig. They have an intensity always screamed Al Jaffee to me, but it
& tightness that is kinda unusual for this kind of was more underground in nature, grosser,
music which is normally played by guys who are weirder, with a little more of the schmaltz
nodding off & it’s great. Came on a red tape from of Bill Elder in it. Appropriately Tom Bunk
Baldy Longhair records. -SÄ has done work for MAD since 1990, a lot
THE CRY - THE CRY of which features Aragones-like scenes
Portland’s The Cry remind of the Jam & other crammed with hundreds of characters
English Mod revival/ Punk into Pop bands like
Elvis Costello & Joe Jackson, but with American & jokes. Tom Bunk grew up in Germany,
reference points & that’s good by me. Eugene’s trying his hand at Expressionist painting
“The Underlings” have a similar sound. I heard before turning to underground comix in
that over 50% of Americans are now “poor” so 1976. He moved to the USA in the 80s &
we’re primed for the creation of a new American hooked up with Art Spiegelman who got
working class & this kind of music is just perfect him into Topps & RAW. bunkart.blogspot.
for that sort of thing. I’ve got my jeans cuffed & com -SÄ
boots shined just for the occasion. -SÄ

MONSTER SHOES WEIRDO ARTIST - KNUCKLE LAST OF THE LEATHER AGE

In an old Weirdo Artist ad from a car I’m so stoked on all these Japa- Last of the Leather Age is a super
magazine or something they were nese Weirdo Artists. Knuckle spe- cool Rock&Roll screen printing
offering customized deck shoes with cializes in t-shirts where he uses operation out of Austin, Texas run
the example of huge, blood-shot eyes. stencils to create one-offs that are by Sarah Ostovar & Ben Tipton
My red vans were looking particularly part of thematic series. This way who also runs Burger City Rock
ratty so it seemed like a no risk kind you can get a t-shirt or sweat-shirt & Roll. They make totally cool
of deal so I got one of my larger sized that is like the one you saw, but it t-shirts like this Teenage Grease
Sharpies & went to town making half
is unique in that the number & ar- one & also tote bags with cool
rangement of the stencils can be characters like Alice Cooper &
a monster face on each shoe. Looks
whatever you or Knuckle wants. Suzi Quatro on them. I’ve had
pretty cool! It’s winter now, but come As soon as I get a minute I’m going multiple Rock&Roll characters try
Spring I declare the kustom deck shoe to start doing my own designs this to get these for free through me.
craze to be ON. Mebbe me & Bobby lastoftheleatherage.com -SÄ
way! Stoked. -SÄ
will set up a stand doin’ this. -SÄ

THE MONSTERS - POP UP YOURS GET REAL

The Monsters are a Trash Rock band You’re only on this earth in this life
from Berne, Switzerland & have been ONCE & people act like they have
going at it forever. The guy behind the nothing to do! Playing video games,
Monsters is Reverend Beat Man, who staying in bed all day, being zonked
also runs Voodoo Rhythm Records. out on drugs all the time, man, what
These days, Beat Man looks kind of the fuck is wrong with you? YOU
like a lost member of the 3 Stooges, GONNA DIE STUPID-ASS. TIME TO
which makes the band even more GET REAL. Your crisis of existence
is OVER. It’s time to make an impact!
endearing. Beat Man’s vocals rule,
When my sons come to me crying
a raspy melodic screaming that you about something stupid I say, “Do you
don’t hear too often these days served wannabe remembered as the little boy
over some super fuzzy, scummy Freak who cried because his brother took
Beat Frat Rock type tunes. -SÄ some shit from him?” NO. GET REAL!
King Lollipop is the alter-ego of Cody Blanchard of Shannon & the Clams. His record,
“Woodland Whoopee Songs of Ol’ Callowhee” is out on 1-2-3-4 GO! I met King Lollipop at
the Burger Puppet to conduct his first big interview!

months
the winter
depress ed during ween
I get real
ly forth bet
I d ri ft back and
surprise). rying to
(surprise ery and t
lf -in du lgent mis -
wallowing
in my se IC. I actu
au se IT ’S PATHET
it bec ly
lf out of not exact
snap myse /g rey skies... I’m
eat h er s this
y crisp w at explain
ally enjo Hop efully th
m is.
my proble tune
sure what ether For
ar m ix tape!(?) -H
bi-pol
extremely
.
g me most
e one that’s hurtin
th
“You ain’t
at ’s all.”
It’s me, th

AL PARTY
C U R E // THE FUNER
1. THE H
DEATHWIS
H R IS T IA N DEATH//
2. C DAY
OOMY SUN
UNCH//GL
SEAN: Hail King Lollipop , thanks for meeting me here at the BURGER PUPPET on the border 3. LYDIA L BLE )
NSPEAKA
of PORKLAND & the deranged Witch’s Wood. Can you tell all the readers out there about your G JOKE//U
4. KILLIN ONG
kingdom? OOM IS WR
L L D W A R FS//THIS R
5. TA US
KING: BURGER PUPPET is my favorite restaurant. I don’t really eat anything, but I love to VES LIKE
people watch. The food is terrible. Well, it’s not so formally my kingdom. I’m not a king through N E W OR DER//THIE
6.
LONE
election or divine lineage or anything. I’m just a wanderer, but I only ever wander within this one EWMAN//A
little place. I’m always around and I know everybody and every place and so I’m kind of a king, 7. COLIN N
WN
with no authority. Just a local hobo that everybody knows. But I can make people do things for /DOOM TO
8. WIPERS/ RING GO?
me, just because they like me so much. I can make spiders dance a jig, toads bang a rhythm /W H E R E DID THE SP
9. THE KIN
KS/ Y HEART
on crawdad shells, I can make turtles be my shoes and carry me around like the slowest roller /SIN IN M
skates ever made (it gives you time to take in the scenery). But maybe people think of me as a E &T H E BANSHEES/
king because I instigate all these delightful happenings with my whims and fancies and it seems 10. SIOUXSI UT
NOT YET O
the whole kingdom has evolved to fit my liking. Where it used to be a grey and humdrum boring DOWN BUT
11. FELT// CRY
O TIME TO
town with a typical sleepy forest, why I just wander around and ask folks to dance and do outra-
E R S O F MERCY//N E THERE IS
geous things, and then they DO and before you know it, the feeling spreads like wildfire! And 12. SIST
NA L IT IE S//THIS TIM
SO
that’s how we come to live in such a wild cartoon woodland! ISION PER
13. TELEV
SEAN: Yeah, even the bugs & flowers & trees are singing & dancing here. It’s kind of distract- ENDING
NO HAPPY YOU?
ing me. There’s a couple of Shannon & the Clams songs that scream “King Lollipop” to me, ERE WERE
KONS//WH RCURY GIR
L
“Warlock in the Woods” & “Old Man Winter.” I was terrified of Old Man Winter when I was a 14. THE ME /M E
R S F R O M VENUS/
kid, because he comes & gnaws at your belly. 15. CLEAN
E ISIS
AFTER CR
E R L A IN ES//CRISIS . VERSION
KING: O, once you spend a lil time here, you won’t even notice all the singing and dancing. 16. THE V FEEL? U.S
OW DO E S IT
In fact, YOU’LL start singing and dancing too. Those songs are what I really wanted to write EATION//H
about, but it just took me a while to figure it out. I didn’t really wanna write love songs or sad 17. THE CR ERS
OOR//SHIV
songs. I like storytelling. The only image of Old Man Winter I have is from this ancient MGM . T H E B O YS NEXT D Y GONE B
Y
Happy Harmonies cartoon that my parents bought on a VHS tape, it’s called “To Spring”. It’s
18
/DO G -EN D OF A DA
OCKETS/
one of my favorite cartoons of all time. The spring elves battle Old Man Winter from under- 19. LOVE&R OODBYE
O, WAVE G
ground, while he hovers around in the sky. They try to banish winter and bring about springtime T C E L L //SAY HELL
20. SOF R
using the gears and levers and machinery that power the seasons. OF WINTE
A M A R Y N //CHOIRS
21. T
SEAN: There’s a lot of overthrowing of dictator & king-type peoples these days, how do you
keep your subjects happy?

KING: O, I never worry about it. Worrying is like wishing for something that you don’t want to
happen. I don’t really have any OFFICIAL power or authority, just a funny kinda influence. If I
just keep doing what I do, the people will always be happy. Before I came around, everybody
was dull, serious, severe, uninspired, drained. I make the rounds and ask them to “do my bid-
ding”, which will typically involve reciting a nursery rhyme, or coming up with one on the spot,
or performing a silly dance for me and promising to teach it to 10 people. If they ever get sick of
me, well that’s no problem, I’d just keep wandering on, following the train tracks, any place is as
good as the next. As long as the toadstools blow in breeze, I’ll find my way to where I’m wanted.

SEAN: Yeah, that’s kind of hard to revolt against. Wasn’t Aragorn a wandering King? You are
maybe more like Tom Bombadil, do you have any special THINGS you give to people to help
them with their inspiration?

KING: Aragorn WAS a wandering King. But no one knew it. Nobody respected him. Well, a
couple people did. He was a lot like me. I’m a little more like Bombadil and Johnny Appleseed
and Betty Boop’s dog/boyfriend Bimbo. I’ve been wanting to read the Silmarillion for a while
now. I like to give people fruits and nuts to inspire them. Also a playful rap on the noggin.

SEAN: Tell me about Lord Licorice...

KING: Lord Licorice was a fool of a man! He always knew he needed something he couldn’t
find, and he thought he knew what it was. And in his obsession and isolation, he built himself a
junkyard land of candy and men of candy who continued to build the land bigger and bigger,
but he never found it was enough to satisfy him. Well he gorged himself on candy for years,
but it only worsened the hollow feeling in his soul. Then one day he begged his men to open
up his chest and take a look at his poor shriveled heart, and inside they found the little thing
smothered in a thick candy shell! Dulling every beat and pulse! Well he couldn’t take it anymore
and did himself in, letting some poor kid greedily eat his little candy heart until he was no more.
Well sometimes, you think you know what you want or what you need, but you’re just fooling
yourself.

SEAN: Sounds like Walt Disney! But, let’s say I’m planning on building an amusement park on
the Oregon coast to brighten up this dreary land. A huge one, the Coney Island of the West
Coast, something to cast hot dog infused sunshine into the hearts of rain-drenched Orego-
nians, what would you want to see there?

KING: I’d like there to be freeloading chimps in human clothes that run around and play pranks
on people, I’d like there to be giant toadstools for decor and for climbing around on, I’d like
there to be some old-fashioned polished wood amusements, like the spinning round turntable
platform that you have to try to walk across or wrestle with your friend on top of, I’d like more
than one ferris wheel, a haunted house, an old timey fun house with air vents in the floor and
tilted rooms, giant deep-fried broccolis, a giant slide that is also a psychedelic funhouse, anima-
tronic people everywhere and no 80s hard rock music during the rides. Also, you have to slide
down a giant candy cane to enter the park!

And with that, King Lollipop spun down into himself & disappeared in a puff of white & red
smoke.
 HEEEEY KIDS!!!

DUR DA DOOO DUR DA DOO WHAT TIME IS IT?

YOW YOW YOW YOW!!!

LET’S WATCH A CARTOON!

YEEEEAAAAAHHH!!!

EWW! THAT I’LL ASK THE

CARTOON SLOW POISONER!
MADE ME HOW CAN I FEEL
SICK! BETTER?

THE ANSWER TO YOUR QUES-

TION LIES BETWEEN YOUR
VEGETABLE STATE & YOUR
SPIRIT STATE.

THAT’S VERY INTERESTING! GOOD THING I HAVE MY TOAS- SMELLS GOOOD!

BUT I’M STILL HUNGRY! TITE! THE SANDWICH TOASTER
THAT SEALS IN THE FLAVOR!

LIKE
THIS?

OUCH!

AND NOW FOR OUR SPECIAL What’s going to happen in 2012? Piña Colada!!!!
MUSICAL GUEST!
GUANTANAMO BAYWATCH!!!

The future will definitely have more boners.

Chris wants to see more palm trees in Port-
land and maybe even some boners popping
from said palm trees. We also foresee babes
drinking beers from coconuts and more
pizza and burger throwing at our shows.

PORK TIME!!!
Hey there piggy!
You look mighty succulent!
UM! I THINK I’M JUST HUNGRY!
YEEEEAAAAAAHHH HA HA!
AND NOW IT’S TIME FOR THE
ENDING CREDITS DANCE!!!
H EL H
RT IA
A WIT
!
M
A
Aaaargh!
You foiled me
again PORKU!
HA HA HA HA HA!
The best tacos are cheap & fast,
AH! MR. TACO! eaten on the sidewalk, & made of
corn tortilla’s filled with nothing
more than meat, cilantro & onions.
OH, HELLO With tacos, the more unsafe & un-
AMELIA! savory the place looks, the better
they will taste. Trust me.
NOW IT’S TIME FOR BOOK CLUB! SHOCK VALUE IS BY JOHN WATERS! This
book showed me how to have the
most fun with the best people!
BY SEAN & KATIE ÄABERG
WITH AMELIA HART SEE YOU NEXT TIME!!!
AND THE PORK ARMY
ON PORK TIME!!!
 BAD IDEAS.
We got more BAD IDEAS for you than
ever before, dear PORK readers! I am
pleased to introduce Jake Rat’s “WINE
WINE WINE” & “Ask the Slow Poison-
er”. Jake Rat is the world’s only Punk
Rock&Roll sommelier, also a modern
dance choreographer & leader of the
NYC Rats & he is here to promote the fruit
of the vine unto ye. Street & Sweet like
a Wino! The Slow Poisoner is a genuine
snake oil salesman from foggy San Fran-
cisco! A one-man band, esoteric cartoon-
ist, novelist & Weirdo Artist of the finest
caliber & he has given me his word that
he will do his best to answer your ques-
tions, whatever they may be.
FAQ 1: Why why why?
Wine is like beer in a lot of ways, so it is therefore intrinsically awesome. It’s made with fermented
berries (basically grapes are the berries of a grapevine). The berries (grapes) are fermented
like the wheat berries in a beer (aka barley). One big historical difference is that wine has been
built over the course of about 10,000 years of human attention, possibly even up to 50,000 years,
evolving with humans the whole time, even back when we looked like half-monkeys, whereas
beer required agriculture to grow the barley, which didn’t happen until 7000 years ago. Wine pre-
dates agriculture because grape vines grow next to each other naturally in the wild, but a neatly
cultivated wheat field was far less likely to be stumbled upon by our hunter-gatherer ancestors
and the hominids that lived before us, like that big-browed bunch, Australopithecus. Fermented
grape mush being the original pet of mankind, predates agriculture, predates the domestication
of dogs and livestock, and likely predates other forms of intoxication like thc/marijuana and other
smokeables containing mind-altering alkaloids or opioids. OK, maybe we ate raw cannabis be-
fore we ate rotten grapes, but Paleolithic humans definitely had access to spoiled grapes before
they ever learned how to start a fire, and it goes without mention that sour-grape-apes pre-date
written language, recorded history and religion, and it probably even predates our evolution-
unbelievABLE!!! NEWS OF THE WORLD WITH JASON MCKAY ary leap to becoming homo-erectus aka modern man (monkeys and birds have been shown to
fight over prized pieces of fruit which have naturally fermented into alcoholic bevvies). Another
witchcraft! hoaxes! cryptoids! ufos! ghosts! cults! conspiracy theo- huge difference is the sheer variety in wine. Remember the little slide rule from 1st grade? Let’s
ries! scientific scares! the occult! & all manners of weirdness from say one side of that slide rule represents the approximated 1000 varieties of wine grapes in use
the desk of the northwests’ premier dubiologist: jason mckay! these days, and the other side represents the combinations of grapes legally allowed within the
world’s approximately 6000 grape growing communities... Hey that sums up to way over SIX MIL-
LION kinds of wine out there today. That’s an unfathomable, insane amount of variety.
FAQ 2: Why do wine people always seem weird and/or militant?
Aside from having to become a human encyclopedia of grapes, regions and soil types, your wine
waiter (aka your sommelier) usually wears that exhausted expression from worrying about the
nuances and possible defects in your wine. Check it out - Back in Europe’s feudal period, being
a king’s wine taster or cup-bearer could mean life or death. Ever see Hamlet? Folks, there was a
lot of poison hemlock and other deviltry floating through royal courts with assassination attempts
and whatnot. Well, the wine expert’s job was to taste & pour wine for the dukes, princes and
kings, and if his nose wasn’t dead-on, then someone either got poisoned or literally lost their
head. So 700 years later wine pros still carry a bit of a load on their shoulders in order to remain
a “royal taster” for whoever can afford bottle service these days.
FAQ 3: How to get the good stuff - A 13 Step Program
There are a lot of hidden bargains out there for ape-worthy wine experiences, and you don’t have
to go to a hyper-trendy yuppie den to find it. Some of my favorite bottles are found at the corner
mom & pop shops that make rent by selling Alizé and Tanqueray. Here’s how to not get gypped:
October 7: Psychic Phenomenon
1. It can be a lot like record shopping. Make it an active hunt. Know sort-of what you are
Los Angeles psychic arrested after she threatens twelve-year-old girl into stealing
looking for, but stay open minded. Some wines are labeled by their grape type, and Wikipedia is
over ten thousand dollars worth of jewelry from her family home. The psychic told her
a killer source for info on grape varieties. Is it for a hot date? Is it wine for an afterparty? Is it your
she was cursed and the curse wouldn’t be lifted until she stole MORE jewelry.
last night on earth? There’s wine for pizza and band practice, but then there’s wine for the birth
of your first pet skunk litter. Make it count.
October 11: Cryptoid
2. Have a budget, and don’t hesitate to stick to it. Almost everyone is broke these days,
An international cryptozoology research team (US, Canada and Russia) on an expedi-
and there’s no shame in getting something for $10 if it is truly tasty and makes you happy.
tion across Siberia claim they finally have found definitive proof, including
3. Notice the temperature of the store. If the bottles are dusty and the place is always
footprints, of a Yeti!
too stuffy and hot inside, it could mean that wines have been sitting in that hot room for too long.
The corks can dry out and then the wines get shitty. Likely the shop owners don’t give two rats
October 18: Cryptoid
about their stock and you might end up having to return stuff. Avoid this place.
Officers alerted to multiple witnesses claiming to see a werewolf under a full
4. If your salespeople seem OK, don’t be afraid to engage them, but keep it simple.
moon near the Virginia town of Woodbridge.
There’s a lot of room for confusion if you walk in reciting H.P. Lovecraft or obscure punk lyrics.
Just use words like dry vs. sweet, light body vs. big body... mineral taste vs. fruity vs. earthy vs.
October 21: Psychic Phenomenon
floral taste ...these terms are universal shop talk which mean pretty much just what they sound
Psychic claims he predicted the beginning of Occupy Wall Street and every
like. Anyone can do it. Just picture your dinner or event in your mind, and let your tongue and
media report to the time, day and minute!
nose talk to your brain for a minute about which liquid flavors could complete the picture. Trust
yourself.
october 26: UFOs
5. There’s nothing wrong with sulfites, unless you are among the tiny percentage of
In a recent public speech by Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan he condemned the
people who are allergic. Most people just pee them out. No harm done. Seriously.
execution of Moammar Gadhafi, which for some reason caused him to announce that
6. Don’t worry about mispronouncing stuff. We can’t help it if our education system has
he was abducted by aliens in 1985.
failed us, leaving most Americans mono-lingual. Don’t worry if you have no idea what all the bin
tags mean. If your salesperson seems at all condescending, just go shop somewhere else. No
November 1: Witchcraft
big deal.
Citizens are terrified by the growing violence in the streets of Mexico by the drug car-
7. Generally speaking, if you’re looking for a medium price range.. say $16 to $25, try to
tels, which have made them resort to embracing witchcraft and local warlocks to
get something from a specific geographic area.. Like, instead of it saying Wine of Spain, get the
protect them.
one that also lists the Sub-Region or even exact Village where the grapes were harvested. It will
increase your odds of getting a bottle which was handled with care by producers and shippers.
November 7: UFOs
8. If it tastes weird, save the remaining 4/5 of the juice in the bottle and return it. Wine is
After two petitions demanding full disclosure for UFO government cover-ups
a living thing. Sometimes it dies by the time we buy it. It can die for a lot of different reasons. The
started circulating through Washington D.C., the White House responded on the official
most common wine D.O.A. is when it is corked, and you will know by the wet cardboard taste and
White House webpage that there is no government cover-up of aliens or proof of UFOs.
its overall hollow flavor profile. Up to 5% of wine bottles arrive corked, so always ask for a receipt
just in case you get a dud.
November 11: Cults
9. Sheets to the wind.. play Russian Roulette when payday comes. Making mistakes
Egyptian antique authorities temporarily close down the Great Pyramid to
gives us first-hand memories - the best way to learn stuff. Grab 3 or 4 completely different bottles
tourists for the day, due to fears of a rumored mass occupation of Satanic or Masonic
and a bunch of take-out food and just experiment matching wine to food and food to wine, while
group ceremonies on 11/11/11.
you’re at home darning socks and watching re-runs. Also be sure to experiment tasting the differ-
ent bottles at different temperatures. Pull them in and out of the fridge randomly. Let some sit in
November 14: Miracles
contact with room temperature while others chill a bit; you will notice a TON of difference in how
Sight-seeing pilot flies near the Cliffs of Moher in Ireland and photographs a miracu-
various temperatures effect the wine’s interactions with your nose, the food, and your palate.
lous image of Jesus Christ’s face across the entire side of the mountain.
10. Take 5 minutes once a year to learn 2 or 3 white wine grapes, then a couple of red
November 15: Ghosts wine grapes and their specs. Use it like this: “Hmm... well, Pinot Noir is lighter than Merlot, and
Ex-Libertines front man Peter Doherty panics and leaves his contains less puckery sensations (tannins). I imagine it will taste better with my chicken than the
English flat for Paris, because he believes Amy Winehouse Merlot, cause too much puckery taste would seem weird with my chicken” . A little bit of info goes
is haunting his flat! a really long way with wine. And don’t forget, it’s all about you and your own tastebuds. There
really aren’t any rules when it’s your own dime.
November 22: Paranormal 11. It doesn’t have to be foreign to be good, and yeah we all know about California, but
A man patiently waiting for the train in Sweden suddenly some of the most amazing bottles and bargains are from the states of Oregon and New York.
burst into flames in front of witnesses who didn’t be- Next time you’re on the lam, on a tour or on a road trip, pencil in a few vineyard visits between
lieve it was truly happening until the man started screaming cities. Stretch those gnarly legs and soak up some local wine samples & fresh air. Quite often,
in pain. Luckily the victim of spontaneous human combustion the smaller the vineyard, the better. People who farm grapes and produce wine are usually pretty
survived. cool to talk to. You will meet some great characters.
12. Wine really only keeps for a day or two after it’s open, even in the fridge. Drink it up.
November 23: Sacred Sites They’ll make more.
Ireland’s richest man and former Quinn Group boss Sean Quinn loses his entire 4.7 13. Here are 5 pretty trustworthy producers you will find at both the fancy and the
billion dollar fortune. Town locals claim his loss isn’t due to economics but a fairy dumpy shops in any town: Catena (electric red wines via Argentina), Rothschilde (yep, ye olde
curse after removing a sacred megalithic stone from the Aughrim Wedge Tomb! Baron, kinda generic but dependable, with lots of variety and history), Coppola (for when the
Apocalypse is now, saucy savory reds, and one of the only producers to still use the term Claret),
November 28: Conspiracy Theory Jaume Serra Cristalino (an affordable yet authentic Cava, it is rich and crispy all at once, like
Lawyers representing convicted RFK assassin Sirhan Sirhan claim he is innocent, & Champagne but it comes from Spain and is great at 10 AM), and for a really wowie white ask for
believe they have proof that the assassin’s bullet was switched in the evidence Vouvray or anything made with Chenin Blanc grapes (or the South African version called Steen) -
lab!? this is not Kathy Lee’s Chardonnay, I promise.
 I CAN READ!
MAXIMUMROCKNROLL #341
by sean Äaberg
maximumrocknroll.com/
I feel like something is wrong with me because I’m always paying attention
to shit I flat out disagree with out of some notion of “giving things a fair
shake” but then I’m sitting there reading Maximumrocknroll & it’s even
worse than it used to be! Look, I’m all about making the world a better
place, helping people to reach their potential & all sorts of shit like that,
but I also feel that political correctness, social activism & critical theory
ARE NOT THE WAY TO HELP ANYONE & MAKE ME WANT TO MURDER.
Not only that, but Rock&Roll & Punk Rock should have NOTHING to do
with this nonsense. In fact, it seems deliberately fucked up to associate
not just Rock&Roll but MAXIMUM Rock&Roll with this kind of super uptight
PC bullshit. It’s like some kind of sick joke perpetuated by Tim Yohannan.
Anyhow, take someone who embodies Rock&Roll, someone like Little
Richard or Mick Jagger, then turn them up, amplify them to the MAXIMUM
LEVEL. Their hypnotic voodoo power would be pouring out of their haunt-
ingly yellow, glowing eyes, poison would be dripping from their smile, their
movements would be both sensual like a snake, but also spasmodic like a full-body orgasm, life & death,
god & the devil, animal & man, man & woman, white & black, all in one & they would exude a smell of sex,
gun powder, alcohol & syrupy sweetness. DOES MRR EQUAL THIS? NO. MRR IS MY 8th GRADE ALGEBRA
TEACHER WITH A MOHAWK TELLING ME MY JOKES ARE INAPPROPRIATE FOR CLASS & THEN LECTUR-
ING ME ABOUT MY BEHAVIOR ENDLESSLY.
ART SPIEGELMAN: CONVERSATIONS.
Edited by Joseph Witek. Published by University Press of Mississippi
There is a place where the great sea of trash washes over the middle
brow beaches & the pylons of the avant garde jut out of the water &
there is Art Spiegelman. An important figure in the worlds of trash
culture via his work with Topps Bubblegum, New Wave art via RAW
magazine & the transitional understanding by the public of what
comics are via his comic MAUS, Spiegelman has been directing the
culture that I have been absorbing since I was born. I have gone from
admiration of him for RAW & MAUS to being in awe when I found out
he had a hand in the creation of both Wacky Packages & Garbage Pail
Kids, to disappointment with his work with the New Yorker & espe-
cially his “In The Shadow of No Towers”, back to admiration of him via
this excellent book. I have come to understand Spiegelman centrally
as a Conceptual Artist & cultural manipulator/gateway.

MANSON IN HIS OWN WORDS

by Charles Manson & Nuel Emmons. Published by Grove Press
When I was first getting into cool stuff, Charles Manson seemed re-
ally played out & uninteresting to me. When I read some of his writ-
ings, I decided that he was a hippie & so my teenage suburban Punk
band “The Masked Men” wrote a song about him called “Charles
Manson is a Hippie”. As time has passed I’ve come to appreciate
Manson as a symbol of the dark side of hippie & of the failings
of the Aquarian Age, which I celebrate here in Eugene, Oregon
which hasn’t heard the news. As a child of the 70s, my world view
is informed by the failings & rot of the 60s: Altamont, heroin, child
abuse, Jonestown, serial killers, runaways, government meddling in
social movements, open relationships, the destruction of the family
& all culture, Hells Angels, Angel Dust, fisting & cultists. Manson
fits in there perfectly, the wild-eyed pyed piper with his family of
runaways. Manson holds up a mirror to America & America throws
his ass behind bars.
KICKSVILLE CONFIDENTIAL
by Avi Spivak & Billy Miller. Published by Norton Records
Kicksville Confidential is the kind of comic I wish I had found when
I was like 12, something to turn me in the right direction in a really
cool way. This Avi Spivak guy is doing some GREAT COMICS!!! So I
guess there was this magazine called KICKS put out by the soon-to-
be NORTON records people (Billy Miller & Miriam Linna) using a tax
return check (that’s how PORK started too!). They developed a rela-
tionship with Hasil Adkins & started NORTON records to release his
records in 1986. This & heaps of other obsessive Rock&Roll stories
are gloriously drawn by Spivak & written by Miller in this awesome
comic book. I especially liked a line in the intro by Tim Warren, “Either
it was Rock&Roll or it was Square.” Hey, you got my number. Spivak’s
art reminds me of a lot of that Expressionist cartooning style, which I
really dig.

AL JAFFEE’S MAD LIFE

by MARY-LOU WEISSMAN published by IT BOOKS
This is a fantastic biography of MAD magazine artist Al Jaffee which
he illustrated in order to lend the correct eau du Jaffee. Jaffee was
not one of my favorite MAD artists when I was a kid & I only really
started to appreciate his work when I was initiated into the mysteries
of the cartoonist brotherhood & then it clicked & I realized that he
is a goddamn master. Jaffee has had an insane life, born in America
to Lithuanian Jews, his mom decides to move back to the wastes
of Eastern Europe at a time when many Jews are fleeing Europe &
Russia. We discover the source of Jaffee’s gross humor: the streets
of Lithuanian shtetls. After absorbing a world of starvation, gross old
ladies, dog shit & general decay, Jaffee is moved back to America
just in time to study at the High School of Music & Art in NYC with
future Mad personnel Will Elder, Harvey Kurtzman, John Severin & Al
Feldstein. This book made me want to live in Lithuania.

HYPNO-HOG’S MOON-SHINE MONSTER JAMBOREE

by ANDREW GOLDFARB published by ERASERHEAD PRESS
Andrew Goldfarb, the Slow Poisoner, has written a masterpiece in
Weird Fiction. Goldfarb paints a hallucinatory caricature of the deep,
mutated south, applying one part carnival tropes/one part Lovecraf-
tian insanity to the willing distortions of rural, chicken fried America.
The degenerated denizens of Slogg Holler are visited by a super-
natural storm of skull-headed frogs that cause a host of wonderous
changes in the citizenry & their precious hogs. Undeterred by their
new forms, the hillbillies begin to fornicate wildly in disheveled aban-
don. Using his deranged cartoonist’s brain, Goldfarb brings all the
disgusting imagery to life giving me the feeling of a Breughel painting
raiding a Kentucky Fried Chicken.

THE SECRET HISTORY OF THE WORLD

by MARK BOOTH published by OVERLOOK
This book displays the easy formula to make me pick up & read any-
thing. Title the book, “The Secret History of the World” & then put
an all-seeing eye on it & I will automatically pick it up. Mark Booth
is actually attempting to write the Secret History of the World via
the occult perspective on things & it is a fantastic journey through
all of the weirdness that one absorbs as an initiate into the myster-
ies. Booth clarified the idea of the how human consciousness has
expanded via different prophets, philosophers & incarnated demi-
gods for me & throughout I kept on having intense “aha!” moments
& feelings of synchronicity & mojo activation. Definitely worth a
read.
Rant-Exhibit Review: Rem Koolhaas’ CRONOCAOS QADAFI MEMORIAL
by Dan Shoup Dude- has the whole world gone CRAZY? Man, didja see those dune coons dragging Quadafi’s old
ass outta that car and roughing him up? Man, I don’t care if he did brutally murder 10,000 of his
Some of you astute PORK readers might have noticed that the timeline for nostalgia has shrunk to pretty
much nothing. It’s gotten so that I start thinking about the nostalgia I’m going to feel for something before
it even happens. Popular culture is starting to pre-curate the future! Dutch starchitect Rem Koolhaas has
been on tour with an exhibition exactly about this. It’s called CRONOCAOS. I caught it at the Venice Bien-
nale last year (where it was the sole gem in a heap of turds), and it was shown this summer at the New Mu-
seum in New York. Koolhaas is a veteran architectural provocateur and the creator of some famous books
and buildings (Centre Pompidou in Paris; Delirious New York; S,M,L,XL). In CRONOCAOS he launches a
frontal assault on the ideology of preservation. What follows is a combination review and rant inspired by
the work. The quotes are from the exhibit not me.
“The interval between the now and the preserved is shrinking, and is about to disappear. From this
moment, we do not only have to look back, but also forward, we will have to decide what to preserve in
advance…”
CHAOS
“Retro” has completely consumed culture, to the point where there’s not much left of the future. Vintage
stores, historic preservation, ‘vinyl archaeologists’, the 90s revival, so many things are now getting
the preservation treatment. In California, anything built before 1966 can get official status as a historic
building. In the UK, something built YESTERDAY can be put on the ‘heritage list’ if the boffins think it’s
important! To put it mildly, the west (Europe/USA) is not in an optimistic place right now. The next decade
looks like a long slog through debt servitude under our banker overlords. Clinging to the past through
preserving places and things has been the main response to the the insane pace of political and social
change in recent decades. By Koolhaas’ calculation, 12% of the world’s surface is now under some kind
of conservation or preservation regime, whereby it is extracted from the modern world into a kind of
artificial ‘timelessness’. These are the places where things shouldn’t change. We don’t need a future if we
can hold onto the past. Right? But the result is schizophrenic.
“The map of proliferating heritage and preservation suggests a world about to be divided into areas of radical
change and areas of equally radical stasis. This is CRONOCAOS.”
PRESERVING WHAT?
The result of much ‘preservation’ activity has been the sterilization of social and economic spaces.
Just as gentrification ‘revives’ a neighborhood by removing the people who used to live there, preserva-
tion forbids normal human activities because they can ‘damage the past’. Couple that with a pervasive
historicism in new architecture (think of the shopping malls disguised as traditional main streets), and the
results are what Koolhaas calls ‘preemptive mediocrity’:
“Preemptive mediocrity has become our dominant expression of respect for history. It has become impossible to
date large sections of our urban production: a low-grade, unintended ‘timelessness’ is our contribution to the march
of civilization.”
And it’s seeping into more and more mundane activities. Take the UNESCO Intangible Heritage program,
which tries to capture social customs, art, and music for the preservation ideology. Put it on a list and
throw money at it, to make sure it doesn’t change. This is the ideology not of healing but of life support.
Now, this was never what was intended. Preserving a building, a landscape, an archaeological site was al-
ways meant to to suggest the potential for different ways of living and interacting with the world. To honor
our ancestors, to reflect on change, to resist the homogenisation that comes with capitalism. But places
and people are different; you hold space static, but time and life go on.
“We have never theorized a way to keep not only the physical substance, but, as in a time machine, also the life
that came with it…”
To make the point the CRONOCAOS exhibit had two photos of similar ancient buildings in Damascus. One
was a warehouse filled with crates of crunchy snacks and soft drinks, the other an expensive boutique
full of ‘authentic local crafts’, no doubt made by the local ‘creative class’. Which of these is more ‘real’?
Which do we need more of? In practice the second model of preservation dominates: not modern content
in ancient buildings (now+then), but making old buildings into places for rich people to live out a kind of
historical fantasy (then+then). We cannot be satisfied with this kind of preservation, because it does noth-
ing for the people.
ANTI-UTOPIANISM
CRONOCAOS also asked: what happened to the future? Do you remember when we were excited about
the 1990s? the 2000s? The miracles and wonders that progress was going to bring us? I remember.
And some of the wonders have been delivered. (Skype! YouTube!) But I don’t feel so optimistic any-
more. Somewhere around 1980 Western civilization lost its future focus: instead of images of progress,
enlightenment, and revolution it has turned importer of people, customs, and beliefs, while cannibalizing
its own past in an orgy of preservationist nostalgia. This is ultimately why many westerners would rather
see developing countries stay poor: so they can represent some kind of ‘purity’ and ‘authenticity’ on our
behalf. But yeah, it wasn’t so long ago we were excited out of our minds about the future. And a lot of that
was expressed in futuristic concrete architecture. This is the one area, as Koolhaas points out, that has
NOT been so lovingly preserved. Instead, that modernist, utopian architecture of the 50s, 60s, and 70s,
has been under attack and savagely demolished. The pervasive disillusionment of the west, with its desire
to turn back the clock, has led to a profound reaction against the utopian dreams of the 20th century. It
emerges as a near-manic desire to destroy the architectural symbols of that optimism – Koolhaas picks
the former parliament building (Palast der Republik) of East Germany as an example. A modernist mas-
terpiece, it was disassembled in 2007 and will be replaced with a replica of the 18th century palace (the
Stadtschloss) that was there before.
THE FUTURE OF THE PAST
If you believe, as I do, that the past is most useful as an inspiration for the future – as a tool for focusing
and inspiring our aspirations for good things to come – preservation as currently practiced has to stop.
But to get to the future we must be willing to stop clinging so hard to the past. CRONOCAOS offers some
ideas:
“The march of preservation necessitates the development of a theory of its opposite: not what to keep, but what
to give up, what to erase and abandon. A system of phased demolition, for instance, would drop the unconvincing
pretence of permanence for contemporary architecture, built under different economic and material assumptions. It
would reveal tabula rasa beneath the thinning crust of our civilization – ready for liberation just as we (in the West)
had given up the idea.”
Or how about preservation credits?
“The world needs a new system mediating between preservation and development. Could there be the equivalent
of carbon trading in modernization? Could one nation ‘pay’ another not to change?”
The explosion of media in the 19th and 20th centuries has inverted the traditional conservation challenge.
There is too much stuff. I’ve spent days recording the archaeology of the American 1950s: ‘archaeologi-
cal’ Coke can dumps, the concrete pads of vanished trailer parks. It’s unnecessary. There’s too much
of it. The archaeology of the 1990s will completely overwhelm the system. So the question for future
archaeologists is not deciding what to keep, but what to throw away. Koolhaas suggests a counterpart to
the World Heritage Convention: the ‘Convention Concerning the Demolition of World Cultural Junk’. If we
have ‘outstanding universal value’, why not have equivalent criteria of things that are not worth preserv-
ing? I love it.
a caveat on ARCHITECTURAL NARCISSISM
“Architects – we who change the world – have been oblivious or hostile to the manifestations of pres-
ervation.” This dictum from CRONOCAOS is true, but reminds me why I also hate architects. They are
obsessed with their own role as world-changing heroes, expressed as rapturous masturbation about the
abstract, alienating, and anti-functional buildings of overrated narcissists like Daniel Liebeskind, Zaha
Hadid, or Frank Gehry. Ayn Rand chose perfectly when she cast her laughable sociopathic protagonist
Howard Roark as an architect. Behind the brilliant analysis is Koolhaas’s desire to resurrect the figure of
the architect as heroic engineer of social change. It’s a 20th century idea that they still teach in archi-
tecture school, though it was never true. Though I suppose it’s better than the current model, where
architects make irrelevant buildings for oligarchs, who claim the credit for their vision (think of the ‘Gug-
genheim archipelago’).
So, take what Koolhaas says with a grain of salt. He’s got his own agenda, oversimplifies, has some
contradictions, and so on. Fine and dandy. But unlike a lot of architectural hand-waving, the hot mess of
CRONOCAOS contains some kernels of the future.
own people. At least give him a fake trial before you lynch his ugly old weird ass. Otherwise, you’re
no better than the Italians. That’s like the second or third ugly middle eastern lynch mob crappy
cell phone camera video lately. Can we get a high resolution despot lynching, puh-leese? I can kind
of sympathise with those psychotic drooling revolutionary freakos though - I mean, if there was a
lynch mob hauling John (sucks a) Boehner out of the House of Reprehensible, I’d be there. I don’t
know though, I still can’t really give a shit about how Muslims are treated, because honestly their
religion is so fucking stupid. Definitely as stupid as Christianity. I mean, the Muslims are always
cuttin’ on wymyn, making them wear dopey clothes, and they hate dopers and shit. Like, what are
they ,from New Hampshire? I mean, get off your high horse, religious guy with a gun that yells,
whatever your denomination. I mean, you don’t see chycks walking around waving machine guns in
the air all the time.now, THAT would be fucking scary! Do you WANT every woman you know to run
around with a loaded uzi, yelling and poppin’ off caps? HELL NO! That’d be like...coluhs, coluhs,
coluhs (insert Ice-T’s movie theme here). We’d have, like a war every 28 days! Tell you what, I’d be
a lot nicer... bitches mowing down every serial ass grabber in sight. “Mmm, mmm, mmm, must be
jelly coz jam don’t shake like...” BDDDDT!!!! Choppin’ up suckas like the grim reaper. We don’t want
that. Yeah, it’s best to be non-sexist. It helps for when you’re begging for pussy later. Really though,
let’s just get the fuck out of the Middle East. We don’t know what’s up there. Let them kill each other
in peace. It’s a great place for them to do it in. It’s got plenty of room, great views, history. Nuke it,
split, fuck the bitches. Politics shouldn’t be so complex and shit. Plus, computer hos need to get off
the dick. And I’d also like to say fuck with me week is over, officially. So is fuck with Quadafi week.
If nothing else, he was a cool villain. Remember when he had those female bodyguards with uzis?
Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about!
Kill The Rich
Rich people should all be killed. That way, everyone could eat. We could feed the world if we kill
most of the rich people. Maybe even if we just kill some of them. I bet if everyone that works in
a bank was dead, the rest of us could get health care and food. Banks wouldn’t be able to ruin
everything if it wasn’t for people working in them. If we could kill them all, including the tellers,
then we could say to the doctors, “you’re next, if you don’t give us health care.” Rich people need
to be killed. They’re killing us every day by keeping all the money people need. You could cure the
nation’s ills by killing everyone rich. Murder everyone who makes too much money. It’s that easy.
Then, take the money all those dead rich people had, cure cancer with it, feed Africa, and use the
rest to bury them. Rich people suck. Look at fucking Steve Jobs -- that guy’s a fucking piece of shit.
He profits off Chinese slave labor, off a soul destroying, boring “invention”, the computer, which
hasn’t done anything so much as make it impossible for anyone poor to get ahead. I mean, without
hundreds for a computer, and electricity to use it, you can’t function in today’s society -- basically,
marginalizing and negating anyone who doesn’t have one. All thanks to Steve Jobs’ greed. Instead
of making technology accessible to everyone, he made it expensive so he could be a millionaire
while the rest of the world starves. What an asshole! So now the world revolves around a plastic
box. Stupid. I’m glad he’s dead. I bet those poor bastards making iPods in China feel the same
way. That nerd skeleton ruined the world -- just like all rich people are ruining the world, sapping its
strength and bleeding it dry. Killing rich people would provide fertilizer for trees. Executives could
be thrown alive into chemical waste pits, and their burning bodies would absorb the chemicals. The
world would be amazingly beautiful if rich people were killed with guns or sharp metal objects. But,
alas, we can’t just go out and murder all of them, just because that’s what they’re doing to us. We
have to wait them out, letting the rotten sick disgusting rich pollute and destroy the world through
theft and deception, ruining everyones lives but theirs. Hopefully, someday soon we can at least
shoot a few of them, just like they pay the police to shoot black people.
Bullying: the Street Weapon Solution
You know what stops bullying? Switchblades. Bullying is a major problem, especially for nerds,
geeks, fags, dorks and losers. Believe me, I know! I used to get mutilated back in the day. I don’t
think the internet could properly convey the brutal humiliation I endured in high school. But, there’s
a little bit of having to become your enemy on this one. Otherwise, you’ll just be a fucking vic for the
rest of your natural days. Or, another way to look at it is, you become what they say -- I’m a pussy,
I’ll fight like a pussy. That means if you have to mace somebody, or pull a chickenshit jackmove (like
throwing flaming ash in their face and kicking them in the nuts), don’t hesitate. Believe me, I’m not a
violent person. When I’m smashing somebody’s face in, I turn away at the point of impact, because
I feel bad for sending them to the ICU all Picasso. But if I have to, hey, it’s not my fault. Street weap-
onry can easily make up for muscles. Real shit, not a smiley. Sharp, evil, quick chemicals laced
with practiced moves, and you could really even out the score. Never fight fair. There is no fair. Just
kill and run. I’ll run from a fight. I don’t care. I don’t need to save face -- I’m trying to save my face,
literally! Straight squares (jocks, alpha males, farm boys, black guys, etc.) will not expect faggy
wimps to stab them. That’s why you do it. You gotta back them fuckers up. Then jet. Oh, and don’t
fuck your hand up -- use a brick or stereo to smash a fucker’s head in. It works way better than
your hand. Wipe out the eyes. Plus, punch first and ask questions later. If you think they’re about to
punch you, they are. Otherwise, you’re going to get your ass stomped. Keep people at arm’s length.
Always -- ALWAYS -- carry a weapon. Go for the eyes or groin. Blind people. Knock them out. That
cures bullying. Bullies will never learn until they meet that one freaked out wimp who nails them. Be
that one freaked out wimp. Pay off some cats to help you. Get revenge. Destroy the oppressor. That
way you can spare future wimpy stoners the hassle of dealing with some bully with an authority
problem. You have to just get your courage up, and make an example of one, two, three bullies by
beating the motherfucking shit out of them, using street weaponry available at most Korean liquor
stores, gun shows and pawn shops. Violence, unfortunately, is the answer when dealing with bully-
ing.
Nerds Must Die
Is nerd chic over yet? It was cute at first, all those Clark Kent glasses wearing wimpy shits being
cool for half a second, but it’s getting pretty tiresome. Insecure socially retarded forced autism
(level 12) loser fucks: Your 15 minutes of fame is running out. There’s too much human flotsam drift-
ing around these days. The planet’s not big enough to support this many idiots. Nerds are stuck up,
and not really as smart as they try to portray themselves. It’s false intelligence. It fools them, but re-
ally, with no social experience, nerds’ contribution to society at large is moot. There’s nothing to it.
They’re self-centered, greedy, human pollution looking down on folks they deem unintelligent. They
are worthless, false intelligentsia -- nerds should be corralled in a huge nerd concentration camp.
They live to look down on people -- it’s pathetic. With the advent of the internet, the greedy nerd
bastards feel more empowered. They must be re-bullied back into submission, before they come
up with some evil plan to make us all eat brussels sprouts. Obama is partially to blame. America
has had a brain-dead idiot for a president ever since Kennedy ate lead. But now we have a smart
president, and nobody knows what to protest. Computa hoes be fucking up the flow of the cultural
universe. Some reverse Social Darwinism is in order. Otherwise, they’ll take over, and we’ll all be
forced to wear argyle. Plus, most of them got smart because they were so ugly to begin with. They
can’t get laid, so they have all this time on their hands. A lot of them turned gay, not out of sexual
orientation or genetics, but simply because nobody straight would fuck them because they were
so hideous. Stuck up nerds need to step the fuck back and stop being noticed, because honestly
they are too boring to listen to. They won’t say hi to people who don’t have degrees or diplomas.
They are trying to make everyone complacent. They smell weird, and don’t carry weapons. In
short, nerds must be destroyed. We need to toughen them up, so they won’t be getting their ass
kicked all the time (by me). We have to force beer and dope down their throats till they’re as dumb
as the rest of us. Otherwise, we’ll grow up in a world filled with crappy movies and shitty drugs. It’ll
be like Idaho or something, and nobody, anywhere, wants a place like Idaho to exist, ever. That’s a
nightmare that we must avoid at all costs.
Vancouverlandia
Bourgeois hippys are racist fuckwad losers, and the latest stats from Portland, Oregon prove it.
The gentrification steamroller of financial and social terrorism that decimated northeast Portland’s
black community was nothing less than a secret plan, by a white cabal of rich bisexuals and pot-
smoking sustainable eco-dipshits. Using Orwellian doublespeak to their advantage, the cocksuck-
ing bastards used a cloak of environmental, groovy, crappy art and multicultural bullshit to carry
out their racist plan, a happy hippy social eugenic whitewashing of the ‘hood. Why? So they could
dance in the streets to celebrate (last Thursday). They literally take a day off a month to whoop it
up and laugh with glee at the fact that their financial status allowed them the priviledge of living out
their racist dream for the place. Northeast used to be a pretty tame (by NY or Cali standards) ghetto.
There was crackheads and gunfights, but it wasn’t unlivable. You could get a cheap house and do
whatever you wanted. There weren’t a lot of white families there -- in other words, it actually WAS
diverse, unlike the rest of this shithole city. But, one by one, stupid honky pricks moved in, slowly
raising the rents. There was a gay ghetto, and some honky sketchers among the churches and proj-
ects. It was seedy, but normal. No real businesses existed, except for crack, 3 bars, and a couple
Mexican joints. Well, some rich white real estate dealing assholes got together and decided greedily
holding property wasn’t piggy enough. They had to sell sell sell, to get rich off other people’s sweat,
because they’re capitalist bastards who suck ass. One by one, in conjunction with corrupt, inept
neighborhood losers and twisted financial institutions, they made every rental property unafford-
able. Then, they opened uselessly worthless businesses, so cars could drive into the neighborhood,
polluting it and running over pets. Now, it’s a sickening pastel dump, filled with homo assholes you
wouldn’t waste a bullet on. Self righteous, horrible art producing, suburban shitheads who need to
be killed drink lattes on every corner. And through the haze of their medical marijuana, you can hear
the brainwashed hypocrites lie about the false diversity of their Nazi dyke braindead dump. That’s
why the scene in Portland sucks herpes infested cock, like Sam Adams did in the election. Thats
why Fred Armisen is a criminal racist psycho Nazi, and will kill us all. Or, maybe not. I’ve been wrong
before. Well, see you next time!

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Dear reader of Pork, I can see that you are

troubled. These are nefarious times we
live in, and none among us is free from the
heavy rain of sorrow and confusion that falls
down upon our heads. But my dear friend,
no longer will you need to suffer alone, for in
the coming months, I, The Slow Poisoner, will
endeavor to solve all of your problems.

Perhaps you are encountering daunting hur-

dles in your personal life… Does the object
of your affection resist your incessant pleas?

THE SLOW POISONER

Is there a large, bulbous goiter sprouting
from the middle of your forehead? I can help!
As an initiate into the occult mysteries, and
as a certified class C forklift operator, I am privy to many secrets that are kept hidden from
the layman. Are you wondering how to clean your storm cellar of possums? Do you need
assistance deciphering ancient Peruvian runes? I am your man. Perhaps you have queries
of a spiritual nature; do you gaze up at the night sky and wonder if this existence is a cruel
joke perpetrated by lunatic, squid-like demiurges? I know the answer to this and many other
riddles.

In the coming months I hope to pluck your particular plea from my mailbag, but in the mean-
time, today’s question comes from Alicia N. of Willits, California, who writes:

“Dear Slow Poisoner, For the past three years my husband and I have eaten Thanksgiving
dinner at the home of my sister-in-law and her family. Each time, we’ve brought them either flowers
or a fruitcake in order to show our appreciation. This year we hosted the meal at our own home,
and my sister-in-law and my husband’s brother dined, but did not bring us any gift. Should I feel
slighted?”

My dear Alicia, the concentric spheres that control our planetary vibrations are at
their fastest rotation between November 8th and December 14th, resulting in an increased
friction between our atmosphere and its surrounding aetheric planes. I suspect that the
trouble of which you write is attributable to this cause. In the future, a thin insulation of alu-
minum foil or other non-porous covering, if placed against all your windows during the late
Autumn weeks, should reduce this interference and minimize any future disturbance of the
kind you experienced.

Whatever your malady, I will master its mystery!

Send your questions to: Ask@TheSlowPoisoner.com
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“I’ve never understood the criticism of Olivieri Toscani’s
hard-hitting images for Benetton, just as I’ve never un-
derstood the criticism of Vice. I don’t think any of the
examples cited were using shock tactics for their own sake,
or illegitimately. I think they’re all trying to sensitize
us to moral issues rather than desensitize us to violence.
They all think that opening Pandora’s Box is useful, be-
cause they believe, finally, in the ultimate rationality
and goodness of people, and feel sure that, provoked into
thinking about difficult subjects, people will make bet-
ter moral choices. Gavin McInnes actually said this to me
in all sincerity when we met in Tokyo last year. If you
believe in human nature, you provoke in the belief that
people will rethink moral issues and come to better con-
clusions.” -Momus
“That’s written across a massive jellyfish that is hold-
ing two people in its tentacles: Chiang Kai Shek and Fidel
Castro. Those were two immigrants that came into a country,
wiped out the previous cultures and started new, prosper-
ous ones. I also have a machine gun on my arm that says ‘arm
your desires’ in Arabic. The days of the West are numbered
and I will be the impetus that destroys it. I am turning
America inside out from the outside in. Soon George Bush
will be in the tentacles’ hands and a new creed will take
over. DESTRUCTION CREATES!” -Gavin McInnes
SEAN: When I first came across
VICE Magazine in the late 90s,
I was still running off a lot of
the cultural assumptions of an
increasingly politically cor-
rect Punk scene. Then between
VICE, COLORS magazine & Irvine
Welsh’s books, I had my subcul-
tural identity cracked open
and this whole big world opened
up. I know you were heavily into
Punk, so did something similar
happen to you?
GAVIN: When I was about 18, I was at this anarchist con-
ference in Vancouver and I was arguing with a bunch of
dykes about the environment. I told them recycling coffee
cups and sorting plastic are Band-Aid solutions because
the real issue, by far, is population. Mother Nature can
take the odd kick in the cunt but when people are having
8 kids and those kids are having 8 kids, her cunt col-
lapses (I wasn’t brave enough to use that exact analogy).
She called me racist and said the only reason I have a
problem with overpopulation is non-whites are doing the
overpopulating. I knew the accusation was false because I
actually didn’t know that whites weren’t part of overpop-
ulation at that time. That’s the day I realized political
correctness has nothing to do with truth. It’s a Marxist
con used to win arguments. Like the Frankfurt School used
to parrot back in the 1940s, “Members and front organiza-
tions must continually embarrass, discredit and degrade
our critics. When obstructionists become too irritating,
label them as fascist, or Nazi or anti-Semitic. The asso-
ciation will, after enough repetition, become ‘fact’ in the
public mind.” In a lot of ways I’m still that same anarcho-
punk teenager I’ve always been but the PC shit is the
worst punk has to offer and I’m glad I’ve left that behind.
The way I see it, I didn’t leave the Left, the Left left me.
The irony is, their Stalinist little book of rules has led
them to be unable to be truly “liberal.” They can’t talk
about stoning women to
death because it criti-
cizes Arabs. They can’t
question female genital
mutilation because it’s
mean to Africans. They
can’t talk about separa-
tion of church and state
because it violates Mus-
lim traditions. They can’t
even protest government
incompetence because the
president’s black. Person-
ally, I’d rather “let a
hundred flowers blossom”
as Mao would say (albeit
in a very different con-
text) because “sunlight is
the best disinfectant.”
SEAN: The campus culture of political correctness is more
of a “Cargo Cult” phenomenon of kids mimicking what was
expressed generations ago. It’s become the same authority
it was designed to overthrow.
GAVIN: That’s what Marxism is. Like Crass said, “Their
ideas of freedom are just oppression now.” In the magazine
business, the ad buyers are usually women, especially at
record labels. We used to fuck these hideous cougars to
get ads & they lorded it over us like the mean boss in the
Dolly Parton movie 9 to 5. You also see women doing this
now that sexual harassment has become such an effective
weapon. Some girl gets fired for doing coke & all of a sud-
den she wants $40 million because she’s convinced her boss
was acting inappropriate. The sad thing is, these women
end up trivializing real victims of sexual harassment.
SEAN: I’ve been trying to isolate the central thrust of
political correctness. It’s an almost autistic take on the
intersection between language and identity. That is, the
anti-social, robotic tendencies of autism applied to iden-
tity politics. You end up arguing with people who have
philosophical formulas burned into their minds on how to
have a discussion with you. You’re guilty before you even
open your mouth. This is totally un-American, but you’re
Canadian. Is this un-Canadian?
GAVIN: It’s anti-Western really because it’s about censor-
ship. What PC is really all about is class. It’s about the
upper classes telling the lower classes how to talk. As a
punk kid, I was guilty of this too. We used to fight Nazi
skinheads every weekend but they were all white and so
were we. The Pakis and Jews and blacks we were pretend-
ing to defend had no idea this war was going on. Nor should
they. It wasn’t about them. It was about middle class punk
kids (us) getting beat up by working class skinheads (them)
for being snobs. I didn’t realize it back then. I thought
I was doing the right thing but in the end, it was about
me and my rich friends thinking we were better than poor
people. It’s all about this patronizing superiority complex
the middle class has. The Ivory Tower academics love tell-
ing the uneducated they can’t say negro anymore because
it’s become “black.” Then, when black gets popular, they say
it’s “people of color” or “African American” now. Nobody in
the real world talks like that. It’s just the elite invent-
ing a special language with rules only they are privy to.
You saw this hundreds of years ago when only the clergy
could speak Latin and the plebes had to sit there in
church wondering what the fuck everyone is talking about.
It’s ultimately all about control.
SEAN: The Church analogy in this is particularly apt
because it’s the same mentality of, “I’m going to save you
ignorant fools, but first I’m going to take your money.”
I’ve noticed that a lot of the new-left Baby Boomers I
knew growing up almost became clergy, so I quickly identi-
fied their political judg-
ments as following the same
framework as their Catholic
training.
GAVIN: The boomers think
their love of atheism was
the end of the Catholic/
Protestant beef but all
they did was shift the duo-
poly. Now it’s Republican/
Democrat. The Internet gen-
eration doesn’t adhere to
this us/them game. They make
their minds up on a case-
by-case basis depending
on what the evidence is. I
think that’s why Libertari-
anism has become so popular.
People have finally real-
ized it’s the ENTIRE gov-
ernment that’s fucked.
SEAN: Julia Kristeva, the
Structuralist philosopher
who was a key figure in political correctness, ended up
denouncing it saying her ideas were distorted by Ameri-
cans, and that identity politics and political correctness
in general were totalitarian.
GAVIN: It drives me nuts when people say PC is a 90s thing
and to bitch about it today is to rail at a paper tiger.
Brett Ratner and Eddie Murphy just quit the Oscars be-
cause Brett was caught saying, “Rehearsals are for fags.”
Hank Williams junior just got kicked off Monday Night
Football for making a Hitler analogy. I was talking to
my nigga Ann Coulter about it the other day and she was
joking about liberals eventually deciding the word “the”
was racist. Then we both realized that had just happened
in real life! Donald Trump was in shit because he had said
he was good with “the blacks.” I feel like it’s my job to
antagonize these PC censors until they fuck off for good.
Like the bully from the Simpsons said to Bart, “If no-
body’s getting mad, are you really being bad?” As far as
I’m concerned, it ain’t shit ‘til it hits the fan.
SEAN: This “kicking the hive” tactic is not unlike what’s
going on with the Occupy movement or any non-violent
protest that actually works. You go out there and provoke
your enemy to make an embarrassing decision and then
hopefully the broader society will see what’s going on.
GAVIN: I was just saying this on the Fox News show “Red
Eye.” Sure a lot of these kids are idiots and they have no
idea who they’re even fighting against but the fact that
this happened is in the history books now. So, if anyone
talks about this awesome president Obama who saved the
economy, someone can go, “Really, I remember there were
a lot of riots and shit when he was president. I wouldn’t
say it went smoothly.” The protesters in Greece were mad
about tax cuts but there was no money there. Their rage
was a little misdirected but that doesn’t matter because
when people talk about governments running out of money,
they can now say, “You want what happened in Greece to
happen here?” It doesn’t matter that the Greek protests
weren’t perfect. They will forever serve as a great exam-
ple of what happens when bureaucrats spend all our money.
SEAN: The word “hipster” has been used not unlike “nigger”
or any other pejoratives increasingly to dismiss any-
thing that is just the youth culture of the past decade.
The word started pop-
ping up at the same
time I was cracking
out of the Punk scene
& it just meant that
you were someone who
was into cool stuff.
It’s over a decade
since then which
means that “hipster”
should be over if it
was a trend, but if we
go with the idea that
I was talking about,
which is that “hip-
ster” is more about
the opening up of
youth culture & being
into whatever, not be-
ing a rigid conform-
ist, but still dedi-
cated to what is cool,
then hipster should
continue forever.
GAVIN: The term
hipster goes back to
the 1940s. It means
what it always meant,
“predominantly young
people with an en-
thusiastic interest in contemporary pop culture, specifi-
cally, music and fashion.” What goes back even farther is
old people shaking their fists in the air and bitching
about “The kids today.” It only seems different now be-
cause we didn’t used to hear old people doing this. They
were at the factory or sitting at their local bar with all
their grumpy friends. Today, old people still participate
in youth culture. They have blogs & go to clubs & write
articles for newspapers about Cerebral Ballzy. Most of
my forty-something friends are still living with room-
mates & getting STDs on the weekend. The reason you hear
more hipster-bashing than you heard punk-bashing or
beatnik-bashing or any other youth-movement-bashing is
the bashers are still in the mix & they have a much louder
complaining voice. I should say that I am guilty of a lot
of this too but at least I’m aware of it. It’s like the old
construction worker from Brooklyn using “pretty boy” as
an insult. He has to realize he’s criticizing a man for be-
ing attractive and young.
SEAN: You have championed CRASS, which is funny but
makes a lot of sense. The CRASS-hole Punks were usually
the biggest politically correct pains in the ass in the
scene, & yet, when you look at CRASS lyrics, there are
lines that fall much more into self-determination/lib-
ertarian lines. CRASS also used a modified swastika for
their logo (the PORK logo I made modifying the CRASS
logo into sausages & letter “P”s has had people up in
arms), had record plants refuse to cut their records, were
banned from the British charts & all this, so they were
into distorting Punk & popular culture to get kids to
think, which is similar to what you’ve done.
GAVIN: Crass attracted a lot of dogmatic pricks, even the
band’s own members. Pete Wright, the bass player was a
pedantic bore who was always calling Penny Rimbaud out
on his lyrics. Pete had a problem with Penny saying gui-
tars are weapons because it was too violent. Pete recently
tried to prevent the band from re-releasing their catalog
because he felt it was dishonest or some stupid shit. And
yes, there are a lot of commies in the anarchist movement
which I’ll never understand. Communism killed 100 million
people & you want more of it? You want more dumb strang-
ers with authority meddling in your life? How is that
anarchist? Overall however, Crass got it right. I visit Dial
House regularly & still strongly identify with the lyrics
to “White Punks on Hope.” I recently had the words carved
into a big piece of wood on my back porch. Crass were about
individual freedom & not getting caught up in the duopoly
of Left and Right. “There is no authority but yourself” is
about not letting people tell you what to do, especially
the government.
WHITE PUNKS ON HOPE by CRASS
“They said that we were trash / But the name is Crass not
Clash / They can stuff their punk credentials / It’s them
that take the cash
They won’t change nothing with their fashionable talk
Their RAR badges and their protest walk
Thousands of white men standing in a park
Objecting to racism like a candle in the dark
Black man’s got his problems and his way to deal with it
So don’t fool yourself you’re helping
with your white liberal shit
If you care to take a closer look
at the way things really stand
You’d see we’re all just niggers
to the rulers of this land
Punk was once an answer to years of crap
A way of saying “nope” where we’d always said “yep”
But the moment we found a way to be free
They invented a dividing line, street credibility
The qualifying factors are politics and class
Left wing macho street fighters willing to kick arse
They said because of racism
they’d come out on the street
It was just a form of fascism for the socialist elite
Bigotry and blindness, a Marxist con
Another clever trick to keep us all in line
Neat little labels to keep us all apart
To keep us all divided when the troubles start
Pogo on a Nazi, Spit upon a Jew
Vicious mindless violence that offers nothing new
Left Wing violence, Right Wing violence
all seems much the same
Bully boys out fighting, it’s just the same old game
Boring fucking politics will get us all shot
Left wing, right wing, you can stuff the lot
Keep your petty prejudice, I don’t see the point
Anarchy and Freedom is what I want.”
I was just with Gee Vaucher at Occupy Wall Street and she
was giving some kid shit for having the Communist Mani-
festo on his table. He had a Crass shirt and had no idea
who she was. I think a lot of their followers have no idea
who they are. Actually, if you’d call yourself a “follower,”
you already missed the point.
SEAN: So, it’s 2012. The world is in crisis. There are people
on the streets in major cities across the planet looking
for solutions and many of them will be clinging to Social-
ism as the Great Hope. What do you have to say to the kids
out there who are looking for a way to do things in the
future?
GAVIN: My motto is, “I don’t care if you don’t help me, just
don’t hinder me.” Big Business annoys but they don’t hin-
der. The government hinders because you go to jail if you
don’t buy their product. They’re like an overpriced store
that sells invisible stuff it’s illegal not to buy. So, I’d
like the kids today to develop a healthy hatred for gov-
ernment. After that, I would have to second the Canadian
rock band Triumph when they yelled, “Follow your heart.”
When Penny was asked if he had accomplished anything
with Crass he said he hoped he’d taught kids to ask them-
selves, “Is the life you’re leading the one that you actu-
ally want to live?” Unlike Penny, I think you are who you
are from birth but I love his idea of going with your gut
and pursuing that no matter how crazy it is. Nobody’s less
happy than the accountant who wanted to be a ballerina or
the ballerina who wanted to be an accountant. When your
gut tells you your calling, go fucking mental on it until
it pays the bills. That won’t just make you happier. That is
happiness.
 New York City in the 70s, Punk Rock&Roll, comics & magazines as
art are all core elements of the PORK thing. This guy John Holm-
strom is made up of all that; he showed me the way when I was a
kid. Holmstrom’s PUNK magazine was the bridge from the parody
& satire culture of MAD Magazine to the Punk Rock&Roll culture.
Taking the vehicle of 60s underground comix & mixing it with that
raw early Punk Rock&Roll energy as embodied by the Dictators
& the Ramones & all that grease, sleaze, slime & cheese of New
York City in the 70s, Holmstrom invented our whole enchilada: a
magazine that was like reading a record. I recently saw some hys-
terical graphic that said, “That’s Not Punk, That’s Stupid!” That’s
just it, just like the Ramones, the Dictators, PUNK magazine, PORK
magazine, the pose is right on the line. Stupidity can be a vehicle
for intelligence. Lots of people don’t get that, because they’re ac-
tually stupid instead of conceptually stupid. You get it, that’s why
you’re reading this.

SEAN: You got your start as an assistant to two legendary comics figures; Will go crazy and buy out the machine and get drunk and
Eisner & Harvey Kurtzman. In the case of Kurtzman, I’ve always felt there was a drunk drive, and there would be a national scandal and
something like a “passing of the torch” there. beer in vending machines would end. Japanese people
are just so much cooler.
JOHN: Actually, I was a published comic book writer/artist before I was a student of Cool stuff always goes over big in Japan first, it seems
theirs, I drew a thing called DomeLand that came out right before I took classes from -- everyone from the New York Dolls to the Runaways
the two of them at SVA. So that was apparently my start. But definitely, I learned to the Ramones all became popular over there, in fact
a lot from being a student and then an assistant to both of them. I like to think that PUNK magazine had a sizable following there in early
both of those guys tried to pass the torch to me. Will and Harvey both singled me 1976! That always baffled me, but it just seems that
out as someone with a lot of potential and supported everything I did. For instance, the Japanese people appreciate US culture a lot more
Will Eisner loaned his huge, beautiful office desk to PUNK magazine! Also, he was than our own people.
very enthusiastic about the potential of the underground, he was like the world’s I’m working on a comic book right now with a band
biggest supporter of underground comics. Not many people even realize that Will called Peelander-Z who work here in the US and
contributed to publications like Al Goldstein’s National Screw magazine. I have to are based in NYC. They are an amazing live act and
admit that Harv was a bigger influence on me. When I first took their classes I was everyone who sees them sees that, I never see anyone bored at their shows. I’m
leaning more towards working for Marvel and doing serious comic strips, sword and also working with an amazing Japanese band called 50 Kaitenz, they understand
sorcery or superhero stuff. But after meeting the cartoonists and caricaturists like my work better than anyone ever. These guys, and other Japanese punk rock bands,
Arnold Roth, David Levine and Robert Grossman that Harvey brought in to show us should be taking over the rock culture here, since they are fun and entertaining! But
how they worked made me realize that this kind of work actually commanded more instead, rock and roll seems to be dying. Anyhow, back to your other questions? The
respect, and money, and influence in the real world. So I decided to model myself “Punk Drink” is kind of a weak lemonade, I have to admit that it was a real thrill for
more on Jack Davis than Jack Kirby. (Although Jack Kirby is still the guy I go back to me to design the drink cans. The same Japanese company, Moussy, also made some
for inspiration.) jewelry that included the PUNK logo out of gold! Another company, Tachibana, made
six different motorbike helmet designs with my work, as well as an amazing box for
SEAN: I read that you choose to work in the “underground” as opposed to the alter- them. There has also been PUNK magazine/John Holmstrom blue jeans, belts, t-shirts,
baseball caps, coats, earplugs,
native or the mainstream. I also read that you wanted PUNK & most likely all of your
keychains... My work in Japan has
projects to be BIG SUCCESSES So what does “underground” mean?
been the most amazing experi-
ence in my life, but it’s frustrating
JOHN: Harvey and Will were both pushing the underground as the future of the
that no one here reacts to it much,
comics industry when I was taking their classes back then. You got to remember,
even die-hard punk fans just do
this was 1973 to 1974, when the most successful publications in the US were Rolling
not seem to care that this amazing
Stone, Hustler and High Times, and when Marvel Comics was publishing an under-
stuff is out there. I am just lucky to
ground comics digest called “Comix Book” and everyone was trying to figure out
work with Morrison & Co., who do
why the underground was successful while the mainstream was fading. It was a
a great job over there.
different world. This was still before the hippie underground managed to fumble the
ball out of bounds.
SEAN: So the first Dictators re-
cord led to PUNK magazine, that’s
SEAN: You’ve got a whole line of stuff in Japan, I sometimes get mad that the
probably one of the best records
Japanese seem to “get it” more than Americans do, is any of that stuff for sale in the
ever recorded, but in the Dictators
USA? Did I see a PUNK SODA? What does that taste like?
& in the RAMONES & in PUNK, there is something that the rest of the country didn’t
get. I feel like those things are all TRUE AMERICANISM, like the soul of this country
JOHN: Japan is like an alternate universe where everything I like rules. Did you
laid bare. PUNK & Bosko comics are like Rock & Roll meets MAD magazine, which to
know they sell beer in vending machines there? If they tried to do that here in the
me, is about as American as you can get. I mean, what gives?
USA, people would break into the machines and steal the beer, teenagers would
JOHN: I am glad you agree with me that the first Dictators LP is an amazing record.
It still makes me laugh when I listen to it today! And it’s frustrating to try to talk with
The Dictators about it, because they hate it! They think that first record is amateurish,
silly, and denigrates their talents as musicians and songwriters. Hello? That’s why we
love it! True, it’s not produced very well, but so much great music wasn’t produced on
a high level, in fact, most bad music was over-produced. If you have a brain, you can
see the talent behind the music. It’s approachable, funny and captures the true spirit
of real rock ‘n’ roll without being nostalgic (unlike, say, Sha Na Na, which was just
recycling 1950s stuff although
they were insanely popular in
the 1970s). But that was a big
part of the reason why punk
rock never took off in the USA.
The Dictators tried to distance
themselves from punk rock.
I remember Andy Shernoff
telling me in CBGBs how punk
was going nowhere, so the
Dictators next record would
be heavy metal. The Ramones
tried to distance themselves
from punk rock. When Rocket
to Russia came out, Sire Re-
cords put out a press release
headlined: “DON’T CALL IT
PUNK.” Blondie, who were to
me the first pop-punk band,
was pushed as a “new wave”
band. “Punk” was a dirty word.
My favorite band has always
been Alice Cooper, to me they
were pure punk rock (Johnny
Rotten, who lip-synched to “I’m
Eighteen” for his Sex Pistols
audition would agree, as would
Joey Ramone, who was a huge
The Ramones “Rocket to Russia” was the second Punk record I ever bought, half for the fan of Alice and tried to pull off
awesome back cover & lyric sheet cartoons by John Holmstrom.
 Holmstrom comic from PUNK Magazine. Notice “PORK” magazine second from the right
the theatrical thing when he was in on top! This comic itself is an homage to a classic MAD magazine gag.
Sniper, before the Ramones). Any-
how, Alice would do this thing for
his big hit “Elected,” he’d wave the
flag and “run for president” after
putting on a show of pure deprav-
ity: “Dead Babies,” “Eighteen” etc.
Alice would say something about
how the USA was sick and screwed
up, but that was WHY he loved it.
Basically, I think he was saying that
you were ALLOWED to be a fucked
up person, you were allowed to be
a sex pervert, drug addict, mis-
fit and/or screw-up in this great
country of ours. And that’s always
been my guiding principle. It’s why
I love this country. We’re tolerant
of weirdness. It wasn’t “cool” to be
patriotic in the 1970s, even though
we were, which is ironic since ap-
parently the US government spent
a lot of resources to suppress us! I
guess they we so used to the anti-
American thrust of 1960s rock mu-
sic that they just could not handle
the idea that 1970s rock music JOHN: Thanks for asking, Sean! Harper Books is publishing it under its new It Books
would be as apolitical as we were. imprint. I have to say that from the page proofs I’ve seen, I feel like a lot of material will
finally be viewed in its original quality. Even though we always strived to present mate-
SEAN: Kids in my highschool as- rial with printers who cared and on good paper and all, the quality of 1970s printing
pired to be bank tellers & insurance press technology just didn’t match the work we gave them. I like to think the rise of rock
salesmen, if they aspired to anything, & this reflected itself in the non-culture of the photography as fine art is in part due to our attempt to make rock ‘n’ roll a visual art, as
youth, if they had decided to start burger joints, run music venues, publish magazines, well an an aural experience. I always thought PUNK magazine was part art, part com-
make ice-cream, manufacture toys, make mini-golf spots or invent the next Coca- ics, part social document and part rock mag, and that we did our best with the art and
Cola, this country wouldn’t be in such a shitty situation & I think they’d understand comics part. The main reason I did the book with Harper is that I am hoping they can get
PUNK magazine & the RAMONES. John, I read in “Human Being Lawnmower” that you our best material out to the general public at a decent price. The stuff we are publish-
wanted to TAKE OVER THE WORLD, me too! How do we do this? ing really is the “Best Of PUNK magazine,” I don’t think we’re leaving anything out and
thanks to them we will have a wide distribution for the book. Plus, they allowed me a
JOHN: Hey, it’s not as if the kids I went to high school with were any cooler. If I had bunch of pages to tell the behind-the-scenes stories about what it was like to work on
done a head count and applied it across the country, I probably would have realized PUNK, like when Johnny Ramone wanted to scratch out part of every page in PUNK #3,
how small our audience would be. I do get asked this kind of thing all the time, as if or what it was like to work with Chris Stein of Blondie (who to me is the most talented
what we did was produced in some kind of Utopian universe. Look, here’s the thing: guy in the history of rock ‘n’ roll).
aside for a few years in the 1960s, rock ‘n’ roll and its associated weirdness has never
been accepted by the mainstream. PUNK sold 20,000 copies at our height, and even
the most successful fanzines in the 1980s and 1990s never seemed to be able to break
the 100,000 barrier. I didn’t know all of this when I started the magazine, but on the
other hand like I said, it seemed like all things were possible in the early 1970s. The
culture wasn’t in the huge rut it’s been in since the 1980s. We were convinced that, like
Hugh Hefner (who started Playboy with $500), or the underground comics publishers
(who sold hundreds of thousands of comic books in the late 1960s and early 1970s),
or Al Goldstein, who started Screw magazine in the early 1970s, that we could achieve
the American Dream. The last time people felt this way about being able to create a
successful business was in the 1980s and 1990s, when the home computer created
the video games industry and Websites. I know people still think they can make money
from the Internet, but no one thinks they can start a new Apple Computer company or
an Amazon.com. So, yes, it’s very sad that America is losing our dreamers and vision-
aries and believers.

SEAN: You mentioned that you’re working on a new PUNK book! What can we expect
from that & who is publishing it?

SEAN: Are the video-game reviews you did for HEAVY METAL or the stuff you did for
Scholastic reprinted anywhere? Did you do stuff for Bananas, Dynamite! or Hot Dog!
magazines? What was the deal with Jovial Bob “Goosebumps” Stine?

JOHN: Oh man, it was so great to work with Bob! He was the smartest guy I ever
worked with, he taught me more about humor than anyone else (yeah, even Harvey or
Will--but remember, I worked with Bob for over ten years). I think the fact that he be-
came such a successful horror writer (thanks to Goosebumps), underlines the relation-
ship between humor and horror. When you think about it, both rely on punchlines: one
makes you laugh, the other makes you scared. A clown, a jack-in-the-box and a zombie
eating human flash all seem to elicit different reactions from people--even Santa Claus
scares little children. Harvey Kurtzman once asked us to make the most shocking comic
strip we could come up with. I wrote and drew the most disgusting, foul, absurd, scan-
dalous and ridiculous thing I could do. He loved it! But most people didn’t find it very
funny. I think back in the day we enjoyed the humor/horror interface more: I’m watching
“Alfred Hitchcock Presents” TV show reruns as I write this, and our greatest suspense/
horror filmmaker was always aware of the fine line between the two. The HBO show
“True Blood” also seems to relish in the relationship between scary and funny. Anyhow,
the video game reviews and other material I did in the 1970s and 1980s has never been
reprinted, maybe I’ll try to publish it after the PUNK book comes out. I have to admit it
was a lot of fun to produce that stuff. You know, my job in the early 1980s was to hang
out in video arcades and play the latest video games! what could have been more fun
and interesting? The thing is, I thought (and hoped) that video games would be viewed
as a new art form and that I was covering a marriage of video and computer art. Unfor-
tunately, they still seem to be treated as an amusement--like a Ferris Wheel, pinball ma-
chine or a roller coaster--instead of an art form. Which to me is a bit weird since video
games feature content that, to me, should place them in a more literary context than
sideshows or amusements. (Especially since circus sideshows have a lot of art cred
lately.) Ironically, I was covering the early video game scene as an art form while the
“East Village Art Scene” was exploding around me, and I spent a lot more time in the
Times Square area playing games than in the Village looking at art! But I never thought
that most of the crap in the galleries was “art,” really. I always thought that the video
games dealt with concepts and themes that related to our life on Earth at the time while
most East Village “art” was decoration or worse, a scam. Hype. Garbage. It’s funny,
but a lot of fine artists agree with me that the gallery scene is a corrupt and fucked-up
scene. But damn, I was so stupid. If I had sided with the hype artists and promoters I’d
probably be a famous artist today. Instead, all I did was launch one of the most influ-
ential art/music scenes of the 20th century... I’ve read several books about the scene
and think to myself: “Damn! Why didn’t you just kiss the right ass and make money?”
I am such an idiot, really. But I guess that kind of sums up my career... I just hope that
someday people will understand what I was trying to do. Even if it wasn’t “art” to most
people, I think my work has always been creative, inventive, original and different. I am
very proud of that, since most “art” is derivative, unoriginal, uninspiring and boring.
And definitely no fun. I’ve had fun. Especially playing Donkey Kong while considering its
cultural implications.
 BLITZKRIEG BUTTONS $2 for 1.25” $2.50 for 2.25”
So many designs! The best buttons in the whole world!
You best believe! Cool Kids Know! Banana Split!

PORK BUTTON $3 for 2

You need lots of buttons! Show the
world what you read! PORK logo &
PORKU on 1.25” Blitzkrieg Button.
PORK TOTE $10
Need more tote bags! Totally cute
PORK logo tote, perfect size for the
magazine! Black tote with magenta
PORK logo.

PORK T-SHIRT $15

Super bold t-shirts with iconic
PORK logo. People will look & know
or they will wonder what the hell
your deal is. You’ll be all, “Yeah
Punkass, PORK. What now?”
WOMENS: Pink with black PORK
logo (S-L) MENS: Black with pink
PORK logo (M-XL) Pink with black
PORK logo (S-L)

BUBBLEGUM CARDS & STICKERS $2 per pack

Exciting packs of trashy entertainment! Monsters, Weirdos & Creeps II, Pizza Party &
Sticker Please! Awesome Weirdo Art by Sean Äaberg. We’ve got lots of other bubble-
gum cards for sale online so check it out! porkmagazine.bigcartel.com

COLORING BOOK & COMIC BOOKS! $3 a pop

The Sean Äaberg coloring book! You could go crazy coloring this stuff! Pipu Comics are
GOBLINKO’S longest running project! We got two newish episodes: Pipu’s Eye & Pipu’s
Detective Agency! Wacky adventures in ridiculous worlds populated by stupid people.

BOBBY MADNESS COMIX!

$5 a pop
We got five issues of REAL MAD-
NESS by BOBBY MADNESS!
Fucked up, crazy comics like
they’re supposed to be. Not for
nerds, wimps or weiner butts.
PORK STICKERS $2 for 6
At least six large color vinyl stickers
PORK POSTCARDS $2 for 6
Six postcards featuring this issue’s
cover of PORK taking over the
moon for 2012!

ORDERING: You can order online at porkmagazine.bigcartel.com. Or you can

paypal PORK by specifying what you want to gogoblinko@gmail.com or you
can send well concealed cash or check to GOBLINKO pobox 12044 Eugene OR
97440 USA. All prices for USA only & include shipping. Foreigners please get in
touch before ordering!!! QUESTIONS? SEAN@INTERNETPORK.COM

porkmagazine.bigcartel.com
 PORK’S BACK PAGE FUNNIES

DRANKEN THEMS BUBBLE GUM POP.

This is the PORK version of a New Yorker comic.
 good morneeng,
don’ buzz off you zay no, but mother
mAH zzweet nature zayzz oui!
honeyzzz! make me creep!
AH am here to zzteeng
pollinate you! you!

not
again!

FLOWER FROLIC
by Katie & Sean Äaberg costumes by Allihalla Nick, Alli & Miranda

well then
what weell i weell go
a you bee pork zee
drone! mine? queen
again!

no! you
bumbling
that bee!
bee is
never
getting
in my
petals! SEE YOU IN THE SPRING!

PLASTIC BERTRAND Faites l’amour pas la guerre au pain.

l o rs!
t a
Zu

by Katie & Sean Äaberg

hair & makeup by Amelia Hart
Ne vous laissez pas fraîche avec mon pain.
Où est l’étrangeté d’antan?
N!
PA

Miranda Amelia
Athena

costumes by Allihalla La Petite Boulangerie PORK