This is not a copyright page.

This is a Creative Commons Page.

Zach Weinersmith, 2015. Some Rights Reserved.

Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 Unported
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/3.0/

Weinersmith, Zach
RELIGION: Ruining Everything Since 4004 B.C.

Designed by Michael David Johnson

To my good old friends, Angel, Chason, and James, who conveniently
won’t be offended by getting the dedication in a book mocking religion.
James may be worshipping a space-cow or something at this point,
but he has a good sense of humor about these things.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I must first thank my team of geeks - Michael, Amanda, Mark,

and Josh. They are the thin nerdy line between me and total
insanity.

I want to especially thank Michael Johnson, who is the main

reason we were able to pull off this whole project. His hand
was in everything from the topic selection to the font choice.

Although we did not collaborate with George Rohac or Christina

Xu on this project, their guidance in the past is the reason we
were able to “leave the nest” and do this project in-house.

I want to thank my daughter Ada, for not putting her finger in

anything electrical while my focus drifted to drawing another
bonus comic for this book.

Coming dead last, because I don’t want her getting any big
ideas, I want to thank my wife, Kelly. She was there for me,
disapproving of this project every step of the way. I believe her
particular response after she found out the topic was, “but
everyone in the family is getting along so well right now!”
 FOREWORD

Hello again intrepid reader. You hold in your blasphemous

little hands the second SMBC theme book. The first theme
book was on the topic of Science. Thus, in our goal of making
everyone feel more awkward with each new release, we
decided this second book would cover Religion.

This book contains two sections. The first is a selection of

the best religion jokes from the 13 lucky years of SMBC.
The second is a big pile of exclusive comics, which I was
compelled to create due to the kindness of SMBC readers.

Because of the artistic (read: ill-considered) variation in comic

size, we have broken up many comics into multiple pages.
For comics that are more than one page long, you’ll see a
yellow arrow in the corner. Then, at the end, you’ll see a
little “End!” box indicating that the comic is complete. At this
point, you should guffaw heartily while also appreciating the
cleverness of our layout system.

As always, I thank you all for helping me pull off this draw-
jokes-for-a-living scam that I’ve been running for nearly a
decade.

Zach
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After betting on the right hand, it was revealed

to me that gambling is a mortal sin.
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The human body is ninety percent water.

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Tip for seminary students #1:

Always double check the address

before performing an exorcism.
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The Devil’s cunning knows no bounds

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Life Tip: No one has ever gone to Heaven.

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Those stilts went to Jesus’ head.

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In retrospect, it was probably a mistake to put

Jesus in charge of the war crimes tribunal.
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Chen Hu had just won the World Championships

of Zen Buddhism.
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In the afterlife, you are judged

by your last words.
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Ugh. I hate when the Dalai Lama takes hostages.

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Once again, Master Cheung

got out of his gambling debts.
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God also enjoys

Freeze Tag and Hopscotch.
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It takes about six hours

to realize that you’re in Hell.
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Spiderman converted a lot of kids from Jesus.

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God doesn’t love you.

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“Where’s my fucking fire engine?”

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Yeah, it was weird. But frankly, we were just happy

she stopped using the F word for one sentence.
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It’s so rare in life that one truly

encounters a win-win situation.
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March 2, 1128:
It is concluded that the Pope
shall have the biggest hat.
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Mom disagreed with my views

on the hamster afterlife.
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We were eventually compelled to remove

the full-length mirror from the Pope’s hallway.
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Well, the good news is that we found out

Jesus is worshipped on other planets.
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Monks who failed to achieve enlightenment

were given the alternate answer to
“what is the sound of one hand clapping?”
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Atheist Hell.
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Sister Anita had a date this evening.

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Who do you think is gonna win

the war at the end of days?
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Least Awesome Scenario: Acne

Most Awesome Scenario: Headbutt from Jesus

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Jesus’ oft-forgotten sermon on passive-aggression.

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Note to self:
Next time you reveal yourself,
do it on the ground and put on underwear.
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Look, the first three things aren’t gonna happen either.

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Professor Westover explains why he’s an atheist.

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We got Jesus to fall

into an empty swimming pool
on four separate occasions.
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“The meek shall inherit the Earth.”

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This is why I don’t believe in guided evolution.

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This is why I don’t believe in Hell.

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William Paley proves that there’s a God, and that he’s a dick.
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If a tree falls and no one is present, does it make a sound?

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The quickest way to convert comic geeks

is the “Argument from Batman.”
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We lost a lot of good priests to the Ninja Turtles remake.

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So far, no one has bought my Moses horror movie.

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What if creation science were actually science?

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Turns out Jesus can’t walk on peroxide.

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I don’t know about you, but if I found

a bush that burned but was not consumed by the fire,
I would start a power plant.
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