A Wife's Confession

My friend, you have asked me to

relate to you the liveliest recollections
of my life. I am very old, without rela-

tives, without children; so I am free to

make a confession to you. Promise me
one thing — ^never to reveal my name.

A WIFE'S CONFESSION

375

I have been much loved, as you know;

I have often myself loved. I was very
beautiful; I may say this to-day, when
my beauty is gone. Love was for me
the life of the soul, just as the air is the
life of the body. I would have pre-
ferred to die rather than exist without
affection, without having somebody al-
ways to care for me. Women often pre-
tend to love only once with all the
strength of their hearts; it has often
happened to be so violent in one of my
attachments that I thought it would be
impossible for my transports ever to
end. However, they always died out in
a natural fashion, like a fire when it has
no more fuel.

I will tell you to-day the first of my

adventures, in vvhich I was very inno-
cent, but which led to the others. The
horrible vengeance of that dreadful
chemist of Pecq recalls to me the shock-
ing drama of which I was, in spite of
myself, a spectator.

I had been a year married to a rich

man, Comte Herve de Ker — a Breton
of ancient family, whom I did not love,
you understand. True love needs, I
beHeve at any rate, freedom and impedi-
ments at the same time. The love which
is imposed, sanctioned by law, and
blessed by the priest — can we really call
that love? A legal kiss is never as good
as a stolen kiss. My husband was tall
in stature, elegant, and a really fine gen-
tleman in his manners. But he lacked
intelligence. He spoke in a downright
fashion, and uttered opinions that cut
like the b.ide of a knife. He created
the impression that his mind was full
of ready-m.de views instilled into him
by his father and mother, who had them-
selves got them from their ancestors.

He never hesitated, but on everj sub-

ject immediately made narrow-minded
suggestions, without showing any em-
barrassment and without realizing that
there might be other ways of looking at
things. One felt that his head was
closed up, that no ideas circulated in it,
none of those ideas which renew a man's
mind and make it sound, like a breath
of fresh air passing through an open
window into a house.

The chateau in which we lived was

situated in the midst of a desolate tract
of country. It was a large melancholy
structure, surrounded by enormous trees,
with tufts of moss on it resembling old
men's white beards. The park, a real
forest, was inclosed in a deep trench,
called the ha-ha; and at its extremity,
near the moorland, we had big ponds
full of reeds and floating grass. Be-
tween the two, at the edge of a stream
v/hich connected them, my husband had
got a little hut built for shooting wild
ducks.

We had, in addition to our ordinary

servants, a keeper, a sort of brute de-
voted to my husband to the death, and
a chambermaid, almost a friend, pas-
sionately attached to me. I had brought
her back from Spain with me five years
before. She was a deserted child. She
might have been taken for a gypsy with
her dusky skin, her dark eyes, her hair
thick as a wood and always clustering
around her forehead. She was at the
time sixteen years old, but she looked
twenty.

The autumn was beginning. We

hunted much, sometimes on neighboring
estates, sometimes on. our own; and I
noticed a young man, the Baron de C — ,
whose visits at the chateau became sin-

376

WORKS OF GUY DE MAUPASSANT

gularly frequent. Then, he ceased to

tome; I thought no more about it; but
I perceived that my husband changed
in his demeanor toward mc.

He seemed taciturn and preoccupied;

he did not kiss me; and, in spite of the
fact that he did not come into my room,
as I insisted on separate apartments in
order to live a little alone, I often at
night heard a furtive step drawing near
my door, and withdrawing a few min-
utes after.

As my window was on the ground

floor, I thought I had also often heard
some one prowling in the shadow around
the chateau. I told my husband about
it, and, having looked at me intensely
for some seconds, he answered:

"It is nothing— it is the keeper."

* * ♦

Now, one evening, just after dinner,

Herve, who appeared to be extraordi-
narily gay, with a sly sort of gaiety, said
to me:

"Would you like to spend three hours

out with the guns, in order to shoot a
fox who comes every evening to eat
my hens?'*

I was surprised. I hesitated; but, as

he kept staring at me with singular per-
sistency, I ended by replying:
"Why, certainly, my friend." I must
tell you that I hunted like a man the
wolf and the wild boar. So it v^as
quite natural that he should suggest
this shooting expedition to me.

But my husband, all of a sudden, had

a curiously nervous look; and all the
evening he s'^emed agitated, rising up
and sitting down. feverishly.

About tea o'clock he suddenly said

to me:

"Are you ready?"

I rose; and, as be was bringing me

my gun himself, i asked:

"Are we to load with bullets ci with

dforshot?"

He showed some astonishment; then

he rejoined:

"Oh! only with deershot; make your

mind easy! that will bo enough."

Then, after some seconds, he added

in a peculiar tone:

"You may boast of havmg splendid

coolness."

I burst out laughing.

"I? Why, pray? Coolness because I

go to kill a fox? What are you think-
ing of, my friend?"

And we quietly made our way across

the park. AH the household slept. The
full moon seemed to give a yellow tint
to the old gloomy building, whose slate
roof glittered brightly. The two turrets
that flanked it had two plates of light
on their summits, and no noise disturbed
the silence of this clear, sad night, sweet
and still, which seemed in a death-trance.
Not a breath of air, not a shriek from
a toad, not a hoot from an owl; a mel-
ancholy numbness lay heavy on every-
thing. When we were under the trees
in the park, a sense of freshness stole
over me, together with the odor of fallen
leaves. My husband said nothing; but
he was listening, he was watching, he
seemed to be smelling about in the shad-
ows, possessed from head to foot by
the passion for the chase.

We soon reached the edges of the

ponds.

Their tufts of rushes remained motion-

less; not a breath of air caressed them;
but movements which were scarcely
perceptible ran through the water.

A WIFE'S CONFESSION

3n

Sometimes the surface was stirred by

something, and light circles gathered
around, like luminous wrinkles enlarg-
ing indetmitely.

When we reached the hut, where we

were to lie in wait, my husband made
me go in first ; then he slowly loaded his
gun, and the dry cracking of the pow-
der produced a strange effect on me. He
saw that I was shuddering and asked:

'Does this trial happen to be quite

enough for you? If so, go back."

I was murh surprised, and I replied:

"Not ?.t all. I did not come to go

back without doing anything. You seem
queer this evening."

He murmured:

"As you wish." And we remained

there without moving.

At the end of about half an hour, as

nothing broke the oppressive stillness of
this bright autumn night, I said, in a
low tone:

"Are you quite sure he is passing this

way?"
Herve winced as if I had bitten him,
and, with his mouth close to my ear,
he said:

"Make no mistake about it! I am

quite sure."

And once more there was silence.

I believe I was beginning to get

drowsy when my husband pressed my
arm, and his voice, changed to a hiss,
said:

"Do you see him there imder the

trees?"

I looked in vain; I could distinguish

nothing. And slowly Herve now cocked
his gun, all the time fixing his eyes on
my face.

I was myself making ready to fire,

and suddenly, thirty paces in front of

us, appeared in the full light of the

moon a man who was hurrying forward
with rapid movements, his body bent, as
if he were trying to escape.

7 was so stupefied that I uttered a

loud cry; but, before I could turn
round, there was a flash before my
eyes; I heard a deafening report; and I
saw the man rolling on the ground, like
a wolf hit by a bullet.

I burst into dreadful shrieks, terrified,

almost going mad; then a furious hand
— it was Herve's — seized me by the
throat. I was flung down on the groimd,
then carried off by his strong arms. He
ran, holding me up, till he reached the
body lying on the grass, and he threw
me on top of it violently, as if he wanted
to break my head.

I thought I was lost ; he was going to

kill me; and he had just raissd his heel
up to my forehead when, in his turn, he
was gripped, ki;ocked down, before I
could yet realize wlict had happened.

I rose up abruptly, and I saw kneel-

ing on top of him Porquita, my maid,
clinging like a wild cat to him with des«
perate energy, tearing off his beard, his
mustache, and the skin of his face.

Then, as if another idea had sud-

denly taken hold of her mind, she rose
up, and, flinging herself on the corpse,
she threw her arms around the dead
man, kissing his eyes and his mouth,
opening the dead lips with her own lips,
trying to find in them a breath and the
long, long kiss of lovers.

My husband, picking himself up,

gazed at me. He understood, and, fall-
ing at my feet, said:

"Oh! forgive me, my darling, I sus-

pected you, and I killed this girl's lover.
It was my keeper that deceived me.**

378

WORKS OF GUY DE MAUPASSANT

But I was watching the strange kisses

of that dead man and that living woman,
and her sobs and her writhings of sor-

rowing love, and at that moment 1 un-

derstood that I might be unfaithful to
my husband.