Trevor Schultz

FHS 2400

Unit 3 Essay #2

Divorce & Love

For this topic, I decided to interview my mother and ask her questions surrounding her
different ideas of love and how they were shaped throughout the many stages of relationships
that she has gone through. My mother is in her second marriage with my father and they have
been married for 30 years. My mother was married previously and my stepsister, Brenda*, is
from that marriage. I felt that she is the most credible source available to me.

What is your definition of love?

“Well there is a love for children, a love of a partner, a love of God, a love of humanity, etc. All
of them are different but are all the same in the end – it's about passion, sensitivity, and
unconditional giving of self to another person. It means truly wanting the best for that person
even if you need to sacrifice for them to have it. Love is a feeling that can always stay with you,
even in the worst parts of a relationship. For example, sometimes your love can affect the
person you love like in the case of addiction – instead of leaving the person because they may
be hurting you and doing things you don’t support, you may end up enabling their
addition/habit further by helping supply resources for them because you want to stay with
them. Like you don’t want to change because that means losing the person you love which can
ultimately impact their life.”

How did your definition of love change when you became engaged? How was
this different when you had children?
“My definition of love changed when I became engaged in ways that involve furthering my
understanding of my partner. When you’re dating, everything is all frills, you’re both on your
best behaviors, and your main goal is to “impress to the dress.” When you transition into
becoming engaged, you start to really learn how this person wants to live their life and you
need to start maneuvering and functioning as one which was different than how I, and many
other couples, felt when we transitioned into engagement. On top of the stresses of planning a
wedding and dealing with the combining of two families, your relationship becomes tested for
nearly the first time and you start to see and recognize that. You’re making life decisions that
you never had to make when dating. This was different when we had kids because sometimes
you just have to remember how much you love your spouse because you can be on two
different worlds at all times when raising children (she was referring to the traditional
breadwinner/stay-at-home dynamic). Just the act of raising children can create natural wedges
in your relationship, but you understand that you have created offspring with this person and
that’s how the definition changes when you have kids, you learn to love them through not just
themselves.”
This last part kind of reminded me of a statistic I read in my book and how they may be
connected. What if, in the context of traditional marital dynamics, the woman may possess
more tenacity that her husband whose primary responsibility is to hold the ‘financial’ fort down
in the house. Since ‘women earn between 75 percent and 80 percent of what men earn, are still
significantly underrepresented in many professions, and have seen many of the things women
traditionally used to bargain with in the marital exchange (children, housekeeping services,
sexuality) become devalued or increasingly available outside the relationship,” (Strong &
Cohen, 2017, p. 175) what if it was more feasible for the woman to make the money and the
man to stay home and take care of the kids? Would society in that context naturally drive a
wedge between them and bring them to a point where it could affect their love for one
another? Your spouse can’t control the ugly behaviors of society, but could that ‘shame’ and
social pressure change your mind regarding loving them and being in a relationship with them?
Food for thought I guess...

Can you still love someone after you are divorced?

“Not in the way that you did when you were married to them. My thinking is... if you still love
that person, how come you’re not still with them? But on the other hand, it’s not that easy to
answer. Sometimes, the person you divorce is the parent of one of your children. You don’t
necessarily need to “love” the person, but you would need to maintain an amicable relationship
with them for the sake of the child. For example, you’d never want to learn your former spouse
had passed away, but you wouldn’t necessarily sacrifice for them anymore like when you were
married. Both the drive and commitment aren’t there anymore.”

*Actual names have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals interviewed

References
Strong, B., & Cohen, T. F. (2017). The marriage and family experience: Intimate relationships in
a changing society. Australia: Cengage Learning