Holy Musical B@Man Script

HOLY MUSICAL B@MAN 1

__________________________________________________

HOLY MUSICAL B@MAN:
BOOK AND MUSIC BY MATT LANG, NICK LANG,

AND SCOTT LAMPS

The following material is owned by Starkid!!

Edited by Saraya Danielsen & Allyson Park

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TABLE OF CONTENTS
ACT 1
#1 - Holy Musical B@man!..................................3
Scene 1………………………………………………………….....3
Scene 2…………………………………………………………....5
Scene 3………………………………………………………..…..6
Scene 4………………………………………………………..…..6
Scene 5…………………………………………………………....8
Scene 6…………………………………………………………....8
Scene 7…………………………………………………………….10
Scene 8…………………………………………………………….10
Scene 9…………………………………………………………….12
Scene 10…………………………………………………………..20
#2 - Dark, Sad, Lonely Knight............................24
Scene 11…………………………………………………………...29
#3 - Rogues Are We...............................................35
Scene 12…………………………………………………………..38
#4 - Rogues Are We (Reprise)............................43
Scene 13…………………………………………………………..44
Scene 14…………………………………………………………..52
#5 - The Dynamic Duet .......................................54
Scene 15…………………………………………………………..55
Scene 16…………………………………………………………..57
Scene 17…………………………………………………………..60

ACT 2
#6 - Robin Sucks...................................................62
Scene 1…………………………………………………….……...63
Scene 2…………………………………………………….….….63
Scene 3…………………………………………………….……..66
Scene 4…………………………………………………….……..70
Scene 5…………………………………………………….……..73
Scene 6…………………………………………………….……..75
Scene 7…………………………………………………….……..76
Scene 8…………………………………………………….……..77
#7 - The American Way.......................................80
Scene 9…………………………………………………….……..83
Scene 10………………………………………………………....83
#8 - To Be A Man..................................................87
Scene 11…………………………………………………………..89
Scene 12………………………………………………..………..94
#9 - Super Friends...............................................101

__________________________________________________
Act 1
#1 - Holy Musical B@man!_____________________________________________

(pantomime of the shooting of THOMAS and MARTHA WAYNE as NARRATOR sings, BATMAN
watching helplessly.)

NARRATOR
ONE SHOT…
TWO SHOTS IN THE NIGHT, AND THEY’RE GONE
AND HE’S ALL LEFT ALONE.
HE’S JUST ONE BOY.
TWO DEAD AT HIS FEET, AND THEIR BLOOD STAINS THE STREET.
AND THERE’S NOTHING, NO THERE’S NOTHING HE CAN DO.

(BATMAN gets into costume, dressed by ALFRED)

EXCEPT, BE THE BADDEST MAN THAT THERE’S EVER BEEN.
HE’S GONNA CARRY THE WEIGHT,
HE’S GONNA GET REVENGE.
HE’S GOT GOTHAM, HE’LL NEVER REFUSE ‘EM,
HE’S GOT BAT NUNCHUCKS, AND BOY HE KNOWS HOW TO USE ‘EM!

ONE MAN,
ONE BAT IN A CAVE WITH A CITY TO SAVE.
HE MAKES ONE VOW.
TWO LIVES HE WILL LEAD, HE’LL PROTECT THOSE IN NEED.
AND THERE’S NOTHING, NO THERE’S NOTHING HE CAN’T DO.

(Two mobsters enter sneakily)

Scene 1

EDDIE
Alright, you’s goons! Take these here drugs, put ‘em into them there guns, and then
hand them out to those gamblin’ prostitutes!
(mobster laugh)

MATCHES
I dunno about this… should we really be doing these illegal activities? In a children’s
hospital? For orphans?

__________________________________________________

EDDIE
Why not?

MATCHES
Word on the streets is Five-Fingered Scoletti was running a speakeasy uptown, when
he got iced… by the bat.

EDDIE
Shut ya chopper, Matches! There ain’t no such thing, as a bat! Now hurry up! We gots
lots more racketeering to do tonight.
( more mobster laughing)

MATCHES
Well then it’s a good thing I brought… my racket.
( pulls out tennis racket)

EDDIE
( hysterical)
Oh Matches, you make me laugh like nobody else! Now whadya say we go grab a
delicious cold—
( sudden loud noise)
What was that!?

MATCHES
It sounded just like a bat!
( the stage goes black)

EDDIE
Damn! What happened to the lights?!

MATCHES
I cants sees nothing. It’s like I’m blind. Blind as a…
(BATMAN enters)

BATMAN
A bat!
(fight sounds)
Fractured jaw, broken ribs, ruptured spleen.

EDDIE
Agh Matches!

__________________________________________________
BATMAN
Shattered tibia.

EDDIE
What’s a tibia?!
(breaks leg)
Agh my tibia!

BATMAN
That’ll teach you to dabble in crime once. Support your families like the rest of us: be
born billionaires. Tear gas!
(BATMAN, EDDIE, and MATCHES exit, the mobsters crying out)

Scene 2

(COMMISSIONER GORDON, MERIDIAN and O’REILLY enter)

O’REILLY
Commissioner Gordon, get a load of this! Another pair of goons hanging upside down
from a lamppost!

GORDON
(shaky old person voice)
Oh- Oh my! What coulda done this?! What do you think, Doctor Meridian?
(MERIDIAN enters)

MERIDIAN
Hm… In all my years as an animal psychologist, I’ve only encountered one creature to
exhibit such behavior; a—a bat.

GORDON
Gasp!

O’REILLY
Commissioner, those goons we cut down had a note attached to them.

GORDON
Oh! Well, m-m-maybe we should read it!
(the three lean in to read)

O’REILLY
Ahah… it says, criminals of Gotham… Fear me!
(they all ‘ooh’ in fear/awe)

__________________________________________________
And then it’s signed: Bruce Wayne... But then that’s crossed out and it’s written
underneath- Batman!
(citizens run out and join in)

NARRATOR
AND HE’S CATCHING THOSE CROOKS,
WITH HIS GRAPPLING HOOKS
HE’S HERE TO SAVE THE DAY,
IT MAKES ME WANNA SAY:

ALL
HOLY MUSICAL BATMAN!

GORDON
(citizens run off stage)
Oh… bye!

Scene 3

O’REILLY
Commissioner, the bat strikes again! The whole Valtrini mob is outside, hanging
upside down from a lamppost!
(O’REILLY runs off)

GORDON
Ohh… peaches! I’m baffled… how does a bat become man? And why does he have such
a strong sense of justice? Does he want fruit or blood?!
(phone rings)
Oh—Hello, this is the Commissioner, you better have some good news.

BATMAN
Tonight will be a night of terror!

GORDON
Wha-? That’s terrible news!

Scene 4

(Four gangsters enter)

GANGSTER 1
Yo! Is yous here for the illegal deal or what?

__________________________________________________

GANGSTER 2
I sure am, you got that money?

GANGSTER 1
Yeah, if you gots the shipment of pirated DVD’s…

GANGSTER 2
I sure do… Don’t know who would want this many copies of The Emoji Movie, but it’s
the Boss’ orders.

GANGSTER 1
Alright, well let’s just load them onto the truck…
(loud bang)
What was that?!

GANGSTER 2
Sounded like some kinda sonic boom, as if something was breaking the sound barrier.
Something like… a bat…

GANGSTER 1
(red laser dots appear all over them)
Whoa! What the heck?!

GANGSTER 2
Look up there in the sky! It’s a plane, a high tech plane!

GANGSTER 1
Quick boys, shoot it down with these here vintage tommy guns!
(Gangsters make fake gun noises)

BATMAN
(visible in his plane)
Hahaha, nice try punks, but I’m three miles above the earth’s surface. You should be
more worried about your patella tendons…

GANGSTER 1
Why, what’s the matter with our patella tendons?

BATMAN
This.
(Gunfire, the gangsters start yelling)

__________________________________________________

GANGSTER 2
Oh God, I’ll never walk again!

BATMAN
God’s not up here; only Batman!
(he whooshes away)

Scene 5

SHOPKEEPER
Oh boy, whatta day! I’m plain ol’ beat! Well, lemme just lock up the ol’ store, and I’ll
head on home to my loving wife, Belinda, probably cookin up some tasty lasagne…
Well…
(reaches hand into apron)
Oh! What’s this? Huh! Well that’s… that’s a dollar bill! Well I musta taken it from the
register by accident. Should I return it now, or in the mornin? You know what? I’ll just
do it in the morning!

BATMAN
(back in plane)
Stop thief.

SHOPKEEPER
(cheerfully)
Oh hello Batma—
(gunfire)
Ahhhhhhh!

Scene 6

(CITIZENS and REPORTERS, including CLARK KENT, crowd COMMISSIONER GORDON, all yelling
over each other for answers)

GORDON
Alright—Alright! Everybody… that’s my name and you’re wearing it out. Now
everyone just calm down and I’ll take some questions!

VICKY VALE
Commissioner— Vicky Vale here from Channel 7!

GORDON

__________________________________________________
...Hey Vicky...

VICKY VALE
My viewers are dying to know what were all those terrible noises and explosions that
rocked Gotham City last night?!

GORDON
Oh, those! Well those appear to be the work of, uh, the Batman.

CROWD
Batman?! Rabble rabble rabble!

GORDON
Yup, yup, um… it appears he has a plane...

VICKY VALE
A plane!

CROWD
Ooh!

VICKY VALE
Well, what are you gonna do about it?

GORDON
Well-nothing! I’m not gonna tell Batman what to do; he’s Batman!

NARRATOR
TO FIGHT THE FIENDS AND THE FOUL
HE’LL DON THE CAPE AND THE COWL.
HE’S HERE TO SAVE THE DAY,
IT MAKES ME WANT TO SAY:

ALL

(CITIZENS and REPORTERS leave except VICKY VALE)

VICKY VALE
(reporting to the audience)
Another Mob Boss brought to justice today by the Batman, but as his crime-fighting
career continues, all of Gotham is wondering: who is the man behind the mask?

__________________________________________________
(VICKY leaves)

Scene 7

(PIZZA DELIVERER 1 and 2 enter)

PIZZA DELIVERER 1
Hey! We got another pizza to deliver, and get this: Batman ordered it!

PIZZA DELIVERER 2
Oh wow! Where we headed?

PIZZA DELIVERER 1
Uh… Wayne Manor.

PIZZA DELIVERER 2
Huh… I wonder if Bruce Wayne knows Batman lives under his house...

PIZZA DELIVERER 1
He probably does, God bless him, and God bless Batman! You know what everyone?
This pizza’s on the house!

CITIZENS
Yeah!

NARRATOR
AND HE’S BREAKING UP GANGS WITH HIS BAT BOOMERANGS
HE’S HERE TO SAVE THE DAY, IT MAKES ME WANNA SAY:

ALL

Scene 8

(CITIZENS crowd to watch news)

VICKY VALE
(reporting to the audience)
Vicky Vale here from Channel 7, and I’m sitting down with Commissioner Gordon of
the Gotham City Police Department. Now Commissioner, a lot of people are saying
that Batman is doing your job… so I gotta ask, do the GCDP and the caped crusader
work in tandem? What is the deal?

__________________________________________________

GORDON
Well, uh, Batman sent me this message and wants me to read it on the air, if you don’t
mind?

VICKY VALE
Please!

GORDON
“Dear People of Gotham…”

BATMAN
(BATMAN speaks while GORDON acts out/mouths words)
Your police force is inept and useless. Your elected officials are as corrupt as they are
stupid, and your judicial system is nothing more than an elaborate hoax run by the
very fat cat crooks it was created to destroy.
But none of that matters now, because I’m not fighting for the cops, or city hall, or
you! I’m fighting for me, this is my war now; I am vengeance; I am the night... so stay
out of my way!

GORDON
“...Love Batman.”

BATMAN
Love Batman.

PIZZA 1
Wow, he’s such a dark hero!

MAN
He’s so angsty!

SHOPKEEPER
And I wouldn’t want him any other way!

CITIZENS
HOLY MUSICAL BATMAN! VICKY VALE
HOLY MUSICAL BATMAN! Batman strikes again, once more battling
his arch nemesis: the Joker.

__________________________________________________
After their recent run-in, the Joker was

last seen falling from the greater
Gotham Bridge.
Though his body has not been found it is
unlikely the Joker survived his recent
HOLY MUSICAL BATMAN! encounter with the Batman-

This just in! Joker’s body has been found
at Gotham Pier. He is dead.

ALL
BATMAN!

Scene 9

GORDON
Alright! Oh boy. Good job everybody. Now, welcome—welcome! To the 200th birthday
of Gotham! I am pleased to announce that today, the city’s crime rates are at an all
time low!

CROWD
(they all pull out guns and shoot them excessively into the air. GORDON is the most excessive)
Yay!

GORDON
Yup! Still the highest in the world, but we’re working on it! And we owe it all to our
beloved Dark Knight, which is why we have gathered here today to honor him with the
key to the city.
(Crowd cheers)

GORDON
(still waving gun around)
Yeah! Where’s that key?
(a CITIZEN pulls out giant key)
Oh hey I’ll trade ya—
(he gives CITIZEN the loaded gun in exchange)
To present the key is a very special guest, all the way from Metropolis.

CROWD
Ooh

__________________________________________________
GORDON
Yeah! So everybody get pumped, because he should be here any minu—
(loud whoosh from above)
—what was that?

PIZZA 1
It’s an attack!

SHOPKEEPER
Protect the women and children!
(crowd falls into a panic)

BATMAN
(laughing)
Striking terror: best part of the job!

GORDON
Oh look: up there in the sky, that’s just Batman in his plane!
(crowd sighs in relief)
Oh, he got us again with another good-natured prank!

PIZZA 1
Flying his super sonic jet through the city streets, classic!

CONSTRUCTION WORKER
We love you Batman!

BATMAN
(while crowd silently celebrates)
Look at those wretched pinhead puppets of Gotham, they all look like bulls-eyes from
up here...

SHOPKEEPER
You saved my life Batman, don’t know how I could ever repay you!

BATMAN
Let my parents die, will you? Well you’re all criminals in my eyes! You just haven’t
committed any crimes... yet! But when you do, I’ll be there. I’m everywhere! I’m the
fastest thing in the—
(another whooshing sound, faster this time)
—Whassat?!

__________________________________________________
PIZZA 1
Hey, look up in the sky! It’s a bird!

BATMAN
Oh no—not here—

CONSTRUCTION WORKER
No you bonehead, that’s Batman’s plane!

BATMAN
Not now!

SHOPKEEPER
It’s… Captain Marvel!

BATMAN
Not him…

SUPERMAN
No, it’s Superman!

SHOPKEEPER
Hey guys, it’s Captain Marvel, all the way from Metropolis!

SUPERMAN
It’s… Superman.

SHOPKEEPER
That’s Captain Marvel.

SUPERMAN
(flying up to BATMAN)
Well, what do we have here? Hey! License and registration please! I’m just kidding.

BATMAN
Ugh. Eat my dust you super slow poke. Turbo drive activate.

SUPERMAN
Woah!
(crowd aw’s)
I see, you wanna race, huh?

__________________________________________________
SHOPKEEPER
(SUPERMAN flies down by )
Hey guys! Check it out! Captain Marvel is racing Batman’s plane! Go get him Batman!
(crowd cheers)

BATMAN
Ha—I’m winning.

SUPERMAN
Oh God, are my limitless powers about to run out? Ah—no!
(SUPERMAN flies offstage. Crowd makes confused sounds)

BATMAN
What the hell—where did he go?

SUPERMAN
Behind you! I just flew around the world.
(runs off and then back on again)
Back from space! Moon rock?

BATMAN
NO!

SUPERMAN
Oh, no?
(shrugs)
Alright.
(runs off again)
Hey I caught the riddler, you were looking for this guy, right?

BATMAN
Hey! Put down my villian!

SUPERMAN
Okay.

PIZZA 1
Guys, his plane’s not that scary. It lost the race!
(crowd scoffs)

SHOPKEEPER
It can’t even beat Captain Marvel!

__________________________________________________
CROWD
Ha ha ha!

GORDON
Oh okay Batman, you come down here in that cute little plane of yours and you come
get your key to the city!

PIZZA 1
Yeah, come on down here, you hero!

CONSTRUCTION WORKER
Guys maybe he’s not in there, maybe the plane is set on autopilot.

SUPERMAN
No no no, he’s in there—oh, X-ray vision—hey! Come on down here Batman!

BATMAN
Ugh!
(exit BATMAN. Then he reenters, without the plane, visibly angry. He lets out a yell and the crowd
ooh’s/aw’s and applauds after)

SUPERMAN
The caped crusader, nice to finally meet ya. Hey, I’m superman.

BATMAN
Yeah—duh. Let’s just get this over with.

GORDON
Well alright everybody, now that the honored guest is here, we can begin the
ceremony.
(voice fading as he turns to the crowd and focus goes to BATMAN/SUPERMAN)
Now when I when wrote Huckleberry Finn, I was…

SUPERMAN
Hey.
(BATMAN look away)
Hey dude. Sorry if I embarrassed you back there, I can’t always help how… powerful I
am… y’know?

BATMAN
(#bitter)
Yeah. Sure. But… you must have… some weakness?

__________________________________________________
SUPERMAN
Hm? Uhhhhhhhh… no! Nope.

BATMAN
Oh. Okay. … Not even kryptonite?!

SUPERMAN
Where’d you hear that from?

BATMAN
From Lex Luther. At golf. He also told me that you can’t see through lead, which is
why my mask is lined with it. It’s alright; some of us super heroes like having secret
identities CLARK KENT.
(crowd looks back around at them)

SUPERMAN
Who’s that? I don’t even know who that is.

BATMAN
Oh that’s funny, because it’s you.

SUPERMAN
Prove it.

BATMAN
Okay I will.
(BATMAN pulls out a pair of glasses and shoves them on SUPERMAN’s face)

SUPERMAN
Oh—I swear—
(immediately putting glasses away)
Hey did you lose a diamond ring?

BATMAN
Uh… thank you. I’ll give it to Lois Lane tonight, on our date.

SUPERMAN
Hey that’s a pretty nice plane you got over there.

BATMAN
Thanks, I built it myself.

__________________________________________________
SUPERMAN
You know, you should probably get it looked at because it’s not very fast.

BATMAN
Well—yes, of course—of course it’s not very fast, that’s because it’s … my old plane!

SUPERMAN
Old plane.

BATMAN
Yeah.

SUPERMAN
Really?

BATMAN
Uh huh.

SUPERMAN
Got another one?

BATMAN
Yeah. It’s my new plane. And I don’t bring it out during the day so you’ll probably
never see it, but it is fast!

SUPERMAN
Really?

BATMAN
Uh huh.

SUPERMAN
How fast?

BATMAN
Faster than you.

SUPERMAN
You don’t know how fast I am. I’m so fast that if I wanted to, I could fly around the
world, till, like, it started traveling in the opposite direction. And then everything
would go back in time, okay? And you’d be a little baby. And I’d spank you. Like a
little—bat—child.

__________________________________________________
BATMAN
(leaning over)
… no you couldn’t.

SUPERMAN
How do you know?

BATMAN
Because you don’t know who I am.
(giggles)

SUPERMAN
Eat my pants.

BATMAN
Wha-? Eat MY pants!
(crowd turns around, scandalized)
Forget this! I’m outta here.
(BATMAN zooms off, crowd is sad. There’s the sound of a plane taking off.)

PIZZA 1
Aw, he vanished...

GORDON
Oh he’s always like this… gotta love him.

CONSTRUCTION WORKER
Hey guys, three cheers for Batman, huh?

CROWD
Cheers, cheers, cheers!

SUPERMAN
Alright, citizens, citizens: let’s not overexert ourselves. Commissioner, I was thinking,
you know, being a hero myself—the first hero, by the way—that I can accept that key
on behalf of Batman. Or, you know, you could just give it to me. Since I’m all around
faster, and more powerful, and all around SUPERior to Batman.

PIZZA 1
Hey! Quit picking on Batman, why don’t ya?!

__________________________________________________
SUPERMAN
I’m not picking on anybody, I’m just stating facts: Batman’s not that great.
(crowd is severely scandalized)

CONSTRUCTION WORKER
Not that great?! He may not have superpowers or nothing, but he’s a Gotham boy! He
protects us, y’know?!

SHOPKEEPER
You mess with one of us, you mess with all of us!
(crowd agreement, they’re getting riled up)

PIZZA 1
Hey, take this, you super schmuck!
(PIZZA 1 pulls out a gun and points it at SUPERMAN, and the rest of the crowd follows suit)

SUPERMAN
Wha—don’t shoot me.
(SUPERMAN makes ring ting noises of bullets ricocheting off his body)
Criminy.
(SUPERMAN blows them all off stage and then takes off)

Scene 10

(enter ALFRED. There’s a sound of a plane landing. BATMAN stomps in with a grunt.)

ALFRED
Welcome home sir.
(BATMAN yells with rage)

BATMAN
Get rid of it, I never wanna see it again.

ALFRED
What are you talking about sir?

BATMAN
The plane, Alfred.

ALFRED
But Master Wayne, you love this plane.

BATMAN
No, I hate that plane, it’s a slow plane. Just destroy it!

__________________________________________________
ALFRED
It’s not just your plane, it’s your father’s plane. And it’s all that’s left of him. Don’t
destroy it.

BATMAN
Fine, then… get rid of it! I don’t know, send it to Spiderman, who cares! Just get it out
of my sight.

ALFRED
Now there’s an idea. Spiderman could use a good plane.

BATMAN
This world… it’s rotten, Alfred… rotten to the core. It’s just full of people who kill your
parents, and fly faster than your plane! You know, the one thing that made me happy,
the one thing that I liked... was being more powerful than everyone else. But if I can’t
even fly faster than Superman, I might as well die!
(BATMAN starts crying bat tears)

ALFRED
Come on, sir. Cheer up. You know, there’s more to life than senseless violence and
extravagant spending.

BATMAN
Like what.

ALFRED
Well, family, and friends. Think, sir. Who do you like spending time with?

BATMAN
The Joker. But he’s in heaven now, with mom and pops. Making them laugh, I just
know it! I guess the closest thing I have to a friend is… you. But I pay you.

ALFRED
Apples and pears. But, surely there’s somebody else. What about your work friends?

BATMAN
(BATMAN starts laughing)
I’ve never worked a goddamn day in my life—you know that, Alfred. The only person I
ever see over at Wayne Enterprises is… Lucius Fox! Yeah! He’s always making me
planes and tanks and guns and stuff! That means he’s my friend, right?!

ALFRED
Well there you go, one friend! Things aren’t as bad as they seem.

__________________________________________________
BATMAN
Yeah! I haven’t talked to him in ages, I’ll give him a call right now!

ALFRED
Right now? Well perhaps I should leave the room first.

BATMAN
No, Alfred, you stick around! You can say hi too—he’ll love it.
(BATMAN dials number)

ALFRED
Wait sir, please.
(ALFRED’s phone rings. He pulls it out and answers it.)
I have a confession to make, sir. You’re not the only one with a secret identity. Turn
around.
(BATMAN looks at the direction opposite of ALFRED)
Other way.
(BATMAN turns to ALFRED and realizes he’s on the phone)

BATMAN
Why?

ALFRED
That’s right, Lucius Fox and Alfred Pennyworth are the same person. You see, when I
was stationed in Burma with your father—this is before the war—I made a promise. I
swore that if anything ever happened to him, I would pretend to be your butler. So I,
Lucius Fox, took up the guise of Alfred Pennyworth so I could give you words of
wisdom 24/7, eight days a week, at work and at home.

BATMAN
So, all those times you cleaned the entire mansion...

ALFRED
A ruse.

BATMAN
And my laundry...

ALFRED
I just throw them out at the end of the week and buy you new clothes.

__________________________________________________

BATMAN
So, what you’re saying is that... I don’t have one friend after at all.
(BATMAN cries more bat tears)
Alfred! How could you do this to me? You got my hopes up so high, then mugged and
shot them in an alleyway. Turns out that I can’t even trust you. You’re fired you old…
fraud! Get the hell out of the Batcave!

ALFRED
Well if that’s what you bloody want, then fine!

BATMAN
Fine!

ALFRED
Good!

BATMAN
Great!

ALFRED
You won’t last a day without me!

BATMAN
Oh I will too!

ALFRED
Wanna bet?

BATMAN
Yeah?

ALFRED
Eat my pants!
(ALFRED slams door)
BATMAN
Wha-YOU eat MY pants! Yeah. Good riddance. I don’t need any stupid… Oh Alfred.
What have I done?

ALFRED/O’MALLEY
(ALFRED reenters with an Irish costume)
Top of the morning sir.

__________________________________________________

BATMAN
What? Who are you and how did you get into the Batcave?

ALFRED
Oh me? Uh, the agency just sent me over, I’m whatshisname’s replacement. My name
is O’Malley, the Irish butler.

BATMAN
Good to meet you O’Malley. I’m Batman, and I’m in a bat mood… and the cave is a
mess!

ALFRED/O’MALLEY
(while BATMAN starts to cry)
It’s a nice cave. You know, before the war, your father used these tunnels to help build
the underground railroad. Oh I’m sorry, would you like to be alone?

BATMAN
I am alone. This is what it means to be Batman. Darkness... Solitude. This is the life
that I have chosen… No—this is the life that’s chosen me!
(BATMAN runs off bat-crying)

ALFRED/O’MALLEY
Poor Master Bruce, he’s such a dark, sad, lonely knight...

#2 - Dark, Sad, Lonely Knight___________________________________________

ALFRED/O’MALLEY
POOR MASTER BRUCE, POOR MR. WAYNE
LONELY CABOOSE ON A ONE CAR TRAIN
AND IT PAINS ME TO WATCH YOU AMBLE ALONG
THIS TRACK OF LONELINESS I LAID DOWN FOR YOU

AND I REMEMBER THAT HORRIBLE NIGHT,
THE NIGHT YOU WERE SPLIT IN TWO
AND I SWORE I’D PROTECT YOU… and I haven’t.
SO I BUILT A WALL ALL AROUND YOU, BUT THE WALL WAS TOO TALL
AND IT BLOCKED OUT ALL THE BIRDS AND THE SUN

I TRIED TO RAISE YOU RIGHT, (background: do do do)
I TRIED TO RAISE YOU PROPER.
I TRIED TO BE A MENTOR AND A FRIEND,
AND A MAMA AND A PAPA TOO.

__________________________________________________
AND INSULATE YOU FROM ANY OUTSIDE SOURCE OF FRIGHT.

AND MAKE BLOODY CERTAIN YOU NEVER SEE ANOTHER
DARK, SAD, LONELY NIGHT

BATMAN
AS I LOOK AT MY LIFE,
I SEE SOMETHING’S NOT RIGHT
LIKE A THOUSAND PERCENT.
AND I WONDER WHAT IT IS,
HOW IT IS THAT IT’S ALWAYS JUST ME HERE
CRYING ALONE AT THE END OF THE NIGHT,
TEN THOUSAND PERCENT

PUT MOST OF THE BLAME ON ALFRED.
HOW COME HE COULDN’T TAKE THE BULLET INTENDED
FOR MAMA AND PAPA?
I NEVER HAD A PONY. I NEVER HAD PETS.
JUST A GARBAGE BUTLER WHO BUILDS GARBAGE JETS.

OH! I’M FALLING APART. I NEED A FRIEND. (background: la la la)
SOMEBODY TO HOLD ON TO, SOMEBODY TO CONFIDE IN.
THINK OF THE CHILDREN, NEXT TIME YOU GUN DOWN THEIR MAMA
AND PAPA. THEIR ONLY MAMA AND PAPA.
BECAUSE THEY PROBABLY DON’T HAVE ANOTHER MAMA AND PAPA.

I WAS SEEIN’ A GIRL FOR A WHILE, A COUPLE DAYS ANYWAY
AND I TOLD HER I LOVED HER (background: oh oh oh)
SHE SAID “YOU’RE SUCH A GOOD FRIEND AND THAT RASH IS BAD
YOU SHOULD REALLY GO SEE A DOCTOR”
THEN SHE JUST DISAPPEARED, SENT ME SOME TEXT ABOUT BAD
TIMING
AND MY LOVE BEING SELFISH.
THEN MY DOCTOR CALLED UP AND THE BLOOD CAME BACK AND AS IT
TURNS OUT I’M ALLERGIC TO PEANUTS AND SHELLFISH.
I LOVED PEANUTS AND SHELLFISH ONCE.

I’M FALLING APART, I’M LACKING PUNCH. (background: la la la)
I CAN BARELY EAT. THIS MORNING I BARELY TOUCHED MY BRUNCH.
TWO SPOONS OF OATMEAL, A COUPLE OF NUTS, AND HALF A BANANA
AND LIKE MY SOUL, THE BANANA WAS BRUISED AND BLACK

I’M FALLING APART, I NEED A FRIEND
SOMEBODY TO HOLD ON TO, SOMEBODY TO CONFIDE IN.

__________________________________________________
SOMEBODY TO RIDE IN THE COCKPIT

CO-CAPTAIN OF THE FRIENDSHIP SHIP.
OR MAYBE JUST THE FRIENDSHIP.
IF I HAD A BUDDY
WE COULD DISCUSS JUST WHAT WE’D CALL FRIENDSHIP

I WANT TO BE SOMEBODY’S BUDDY
SOMEBODY WHO CAN BE MY BUDDY BACK.
I WANT TO BE SOMEBODY’S BUDDY.
ANYBODY BUT A BUMBLING BUTLER.

SUPERMAN AND BATMAN

BATMAN
ANYBODY BUT A BUMBLING BUTLER.

GREEN LANTERN, SUPERMAN AND BATMAN

BATMAN GREEN LANTERN AND SUPERMAN
ANYBODY BUT A BUMBLING BUTLER. BA BA BA, BA BA BA.

GREEN LANTERN,
SUPERMAN AND
BATMAN GROUP 1
I WANT TO BE I WANNA BE, I WANNA
SOMEBODY’S BUDDY BE, I WANNA BE, I
SOMEBODY WHO CAN BE WANNA BE…
MY BUDDY BACK. SOMEBODY’S BUDDY.
I WANT TO BE I WANNA BE, I WANNA
SOMEBODY’S BUDDY. BE, I WANNA BE, I
WANNA BE.

BATMAN GREEN LANTERN AND

SUPERMAN

__________________________________________________
ANYBODY BUT A BA BA BA, BA BA BA.

BUMBLING BUTLER.

GREEN LANTERN,
SUPERMAN AND
BATMAN GROUP 1 GROUP 2
I WANT TO BE I WANNA BE, I BA BUDDY BUDDY,
SOMEBODY’S WANNA BE, I BA BUDDY BUDDY,
BUDDY WANNA BE, I BA BUDDY BUDDY,
SOMEBODY WHO WANNA BE… BA BA-DAH
CAN BE MY BUDDY SOMEBODY’S
BACK. BUDDY. BA BUDDY BUDDY,
I WANT TO BE I WANNA BE, I BA BUDDY BUDDY,
SOMEBODY’S WANNA BE, I BA BUDDY BUDDY,
BUDDY. WANNA BE, I BA BA-DAH
WANNA BE.
BATMAN GREEN LANTERN

ANYBODY BUT A AND SUPERMAN
BUMBLING BA BA BA, BA BA
BUTLER. BA.

GREEN
LANTERN,
SUPERMAN
AND BATMAN GROUP 1 GROUP 2 GROUP 3
I WANT TO BE I WANNA BE, I BA BUDDY SOMEBODY,
SOMEBODY’S WANNA BE, I BUDDY, BA SOMEBODY,
BUDDY WANNA BE, I BUDDY SOMEBODY,
SOMEBODY WANNA BE… BUDDY, BA BE MY
WHO CAN BE SOMEBODY’S BUDDY FRIEND.
MY BUDDY BUDDY. BUDDY, BA SOMEBODY,
BACK. I WANNA BE, I BA-DAH SOMEBODY,
I WANT TO BE WANNA BE, I SOMEBODY,
SOMEBODY’S WANNA BE, I BA BUDDY ANYBODY, BE
BUDDY. WANNA BE. BUDDY, BA MY FRIEND.
BUDDY
BUDDY, BA
BUDDY

__________________________________________________
BUDDY, BA
BA-DAH
BATMAN GREEN
ANYBODY BUT LANTERN
A BUMBLING AND
BUTLER. SUPERMAN
BA BA BA, BA
BA BA.

GREEN
LANTERN,
SUPERMAN
AND BATMAN GROUP 1 GROUP 2 GROUP 3
I WANT TO BE I WANNA BE, I BA BUDDY SOMEBODY,
SOMEBODY’S WANNA BE, I BUDDY, BA SOMEBODY,
BUDDY WANNA BE, I BUDDY SOMEBODY,
SOMEBODY WANNA BE… BUDDY, BA BE MY
WHO CAN BE SOMEBODY’S BUDDY FRIEND.
MY BUDDY BUDDY. BUDDY, BA SOMEBODY,
BACK. I WANNA BE, I BA-DAH SOMEBODY,
I WANT TO BE WANNA BE, I SOMEBODY,
SOMEBODY’S WANNA BE, I BA BUDDY ANYBODY, BE
BUDDY. WANNA BE. BUDDY, BA MY FRIEND.
BUDDY
BUDDY, BA
BUDDY
BUDDY, BA
BA-DAH
BATMAN GREEN
ANYBODY BUT LANTERN
A BUMBLING AND
BUTLER. SUPERMAN
BA BA BA, BA
BA BA.

GREEN LANTERN, SUPERMAN AND BATMAN

__________________________________________________

BATMAN
I WANT TO BE... SOMEBODY’S BUDDY.

(End “Dark, Sad, Lonely Knight”)

O’MALLEY/ALFRED
Master Bruce needs companionship, but where does a young handsome man gonna
meet friends in the year 1997? Oh—duh O’Malley, get with the times! The personal
ads, of course!
(O’MALLEY/ALFRED brings out a newspaper)
Let’s see here… single, white female seeking old English Butler for a good time… I’ll
keep that one, put it in my pocket… save it for a rainy day I will. Let’s see... Dogs for
sale? No. Orphans for sale?! Even better! By the luck of the Irish, O’Malley, you’ve
done it again!
(clicks heels and exits. Phone starts to ring as he leaves.)

Scene 11

VOICE MACHINE
You’ve reached the voicemail of ‘Batman’. Please leave a message after the tone.

SUPERMAN
Hey Batman! It’s Superman. Listen, I’m just calling because I feel like we kinda got off
on the wrong foot the other day. I was thinking about it: you’re a hero, I’m a
superhero, let’s be friends! Me and Aquaman and some of the other guys, we’re gonna
be fighting Solomon Grundy on Monday and I’d love it if you could be there. You could
throw a boomerang at him, or whatever it is you do. I’ll probably just punch him. You
know, it’s gonna be great! Also, Wonderwoman is gonna be there so… there you go.
This message is getting kinda long, I guess, so you can just call me back anytime.
Actually, no, call me back in the afternoon, cause all night long I’m busy partying with
my friends at the fortress… of solitude. Uh… give me a call back! Bye.
(SUPERMAN hangs up as GREEN LANTERN enters)
Hey! The GL!

GREEN LANTERN
The boy in blue!

SUPERMAN
What’s up, my dude?

GREEN LANTERN

__________________________________________________
Not too much! Were you just talking to Batman?

SUPERMAN
Yeah, yeah! Well, his machine, anyway.

GREEN LANTERN
Aw cool. You want a beer? I can make Rolling Rock or Heineken.

SUPERMAN
(while GREEN LANTERN makes it)
Oh! Sure sure. I’ll have… uh, Heineken sounds good.

GREEN LANTERN
(pulls out beer)
Here you go.

SUPERMAN
Oh. Oh, Rolling Rock is fine, I guess.

GREEN LANTERN
Cheers bud.

SUPERMAN
Cheers. Thanks.
(SUPERFAN enters)

SUPERFAN
(enters, stuttering in awe after seeing SUPERMAN/GREEN LANTERN)
Ah—uh—aw man! Aw jeez! Aw man. Aw—Superman? And the Green Lantern?! Aw
man! HEY. CAN I GET A PICTURE.

GREEN LANTERN
Aw, yeah yeah yeah.

SUPERMAN
Uh, sure.

SUPERFAN
(still stuttering)
Oh man! Here.
(shoves phone at SUPERMAN)

SUPERMAN

__________________________________________________
Oh.

SUPERFAN
(stepping next to GREEN LANTERN)
Oh man. The Green Lantern. Y-you’re like—my kid sister is gonna FREAK. You’re like
our second favorite superhero!

GREEN LANTERN
Hey, second, eh? Thanks!

SUPERFAN
Yeah! Right behind Batman. Just look right there—

SUPERMAN
Alright, smile.
(SUPERFAN kind of screams)
Got it.

SUPERFAN
Alright, yeah!!

GREEN LANTERN
Put it here—
(GREEN LANTERN starts to shake his hand)

SUPERFAN
Oh—no no no— I want a hug.

GREEN LANTERN
Aw—
(getting crushed)
GREAT. GREAT.

SUPERFAN
Thank you so much.

GREEN LANTERN
(still crushed in hug)
NAW THANK YOU.
(embrace ends)
You have a good day.

__________________________________________________

SUPERMAN
Here you go—
(SUPERFAN snatches the phone back disrespectfully and without acknowledgement; exits)
—okay.
(brief pause before SUPERFAN yells indistinctly offstage)

SUPERFAN
(reenters)
The pictures ruined! You cut my head off! You super-clutz...

GREEN LANTERN
Woah! You gonna take that?

SUPERMAN
I’m used to it…

GREEN LANTERN
Don’t worry man, I’ve got you.

SUPERMAN
Man… I hate Batman! I’m sorry!

GREEN LANTERN
Woah woah woah! What’s wrong with Batman?

SUPERMAN
I don’t know, I just feel like he’s an overrated hero. The guy doesn’t even have any
superpowers, and have you seen how many Twitter followers he has?

GREEN LANTERN
Naw man, I’m not on the Tweeter...

SUPERMAN
He’s got a lot...

GREEN LANTERN
More than you?!

SUPERMAN
Yeah! But it’s not fair because he’s got the Twitter name @Batman; someone already
took the Twitter name @Superman and all they do is tweet about how dumb I am...

__________________________________________________

GREEN LANTERN
Who would do a thing like that?

SUPERMAN
I don’t know, some asshole named—
(checks phone)
—Bruce Wayne! Anyway, my Twitter name is @TheRealSuperman, which of course
makes it sound like I’m the fake Superman.

GREEN LANTERN
That’s rough, Clark.

SUPERMAN
(pause)
Wait, you know my secret identity?!

GREEN LANTERN
It’s a secret?
(SUPERMAN gets upset, GREEN LANTERN tries to comfort)
Aw come on, no one cares who Superman is!
(pause as they both realize how not comforting that was)

SUPERMAN
You know what else is stupid about Batman? His villains.

GREEN LANTERN
Oh no no no, they’re classic!

SUPERMAN
No! No—they’re corny! It’s just a new guy in a different colored suit, wearing a thing
on his head and making puns based off of his stupid theme.

GREEN LANTERN
I guess I never really thought about it like that before—yeah, Riddler, bad puns, thing
on his head… Mad Hatter! Bad puns, thing on his head. And Two-Face, bad puns, scar
on his head…

SUPERMAN
Two-Face is the worst; his theme is just the number two! What’s he gonna do? Rob the
2nd National Bank of all of it’s two dollar bills? It’s like, I bet the next person that

__________________________________________________
Batman is gonna fight is gonna be—what’s the stupidest thing I can think of? Candy!
A candy-themed villain. Somebody who kills people with candy.

GREEN LANTERN
Yeah, but if they’re so stupid, why are they so famous?

SUPERMAN
They’re only so famous because Batman screws up all the time and lets them kill
people. You know, my villains never get that chance! It’s like, have you ever heard of
Mr. M xyzptlk?

GREEN LANTERN
No.

SUPERMAN
No. That’s right. It’s because I do my damn job. The point is, I’m the most powerful
superhero, so shouldn’t I be the most popular?

GREEN LANTERN
Yeah…
(ringing noise)
Oh hang on, my ring is ringing—
(puts ring to ear)
Yeah hello! Uh huh… Aw crap. Back to Oa? Ok I’ll see you in a little bit.
(hangs up)
I gotta go!

SUPERMAN
What’s up?

GREEN LANTERN
Sinestro’s forming a evil league—the Guardians—eh, work stuff.

SUPERMAN
All right… I’ll just see you on Monday, I guess.

GREEN LANTERN
Why?

SUPERMAN
(noticeably hurt)
Dude! Solomon Grundy thing! You’re coming right?!

__________________________________________________
GREEN LANTERN
Oh, uh—yeah… maybe.

SUPERMAN
Hey—
(GREEN LANTERN zooms off. SUPERMAN sighs, then picks up his phone and dials.)

VOICE MACHINE
You’ve reached the voicemail of: Wonder Woman. Please leave a message after the
tone.

SUPERMAN
Hey Wonder Woman! It’s Superman. So I knew you were kind of on the fence about
that whole Solomon Grundy thing, but I just wanted to tell you that Batman is gonna
be there… so there you go!

#3 - Rogues Are We___________________________________________________

VILLAINS
WOO! WOO!

SCARECROW
LINE UP, SIGN UP
IF YOU’RE LOOKING FOR SOME SIN

POISON IVY
AND A DIRTY WAY TO WIN, YEAH!

PENGUIN
GET PISSED, ENLIST
TAP INTO THE DEVIL WITHIN

MR. FREEZE
LET THE VILLAINY BEGIN

VILLAINS
WE’RE JOINING FORCES

RIDDLER
WE’RE MAKING CLEVER QUIPS

VILLAINS
WE REVEL IN MALEVOLENCE

__________________________________________________
FOUR THOUSAND HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE

MR. FREEZE
GIDDY UP, GOTHAM

CATWOMAN
GIDDY UP, UP, UP

VILLAINS
WE’RE GOING ROGUE, ROGUE, ROGUE!
ROGUES ARE WE!

CATWOMAN
WE ARE THE HARLOTS AND THE HUSSIES

VILLAINS
ROGUES ARE WE!

MR FREEZE
WE ARE THE SWINDLERS AND THE CHEATS

VILLAINS
ROGUES ARE WE!

POISON IVY
WE’RE RISING UP FROM THE UNDERGROUND

VILLAINS
ROGUES ARE WE!

PENGUIN
WE’RE TAKING OVER YOUR STREETS

VILLAINS
WOO! WOO!

RIDDLER
RIDDLE ME THIS
I’VE GOT A PUZZLE THAT’LL PUT YOU TO TEARS
I’M CRUEL BUT NEVER CRASS

PENGUIN

__________________________________________________
LOOK NO FURTHER THAN HERE

TO SEE A PENGUIN WITHOUT PEER
I’VE GOT A CERTAIN TOUCH OF CLASS
SCARECROW
I MADE A FEAR TOXIN IN THE FORM OF GAS
THEN I WEAR A SCARY MASK

MR. FREEZE
I’VE GOT ICE IN MY VEINS

POISON IVY
VENOM ON THE VINE
AND AS STURDY AS BAMBOO

CATWOMAN
I’M A PRETTY LITTLE KITTY
I WILL CLAW YOU

VILLAINS
ROGUES ARE WE!

CATWOMAN
WE ARE THE HARLOTS AND THE HUSSIES

VILLAINS
ROGUES ARE WE!

MR FREEZE
WE ARE THE SWINDLERS AND THE CHEATS

VILLAINS
ROGUES ARE WE!

POISON IVY
WE’RE RISING UP FROM THE UNDERGROUND

VILLAINS
ROGUES ARE WE!

PENGUIN
WE’RE TAKING OVER YOUR STREETS

VILLAINS

__________________________________________________
ROGUES ARE WE!

Scene 12

PENGUIN
Ah, Riddler!

FREEZE
Wow, isn’t this a cool crowd. It is so ice to see you all again.

PENGUIN
Mr. Freeze, you cold-hearted snake. Come over here and kiss my flipper! Alright, sit
down Frosty, before you melt away

CATWOMAN
Enough proCATsinating Penguin, let’s get this meeting started meow.

PENGUIN
Now ladies and gentlemen, I’m sure you all know why you’re all here—I assume
you’ve been reading my tweets! We rogues are birds of a feather, and we are getting
plucked together, by a man who dresses up like a bat!

VILLAINS
Rabble rabble rabble!

PENGUIN
He’s got his beak in our business and it is starting to… ruffle my feathers.

MR. FREEZE
Because of Batman my operations have been put on ice. My assets are frozen.

POISON IVY
I’ve been uprooted!

SCARECROW
He’s given me an awful fright!

CATWOMAN
We better catnip this guy in the bud before he sends us all to the pound.

TWO-FACE
(while entering, preferably with a musical jingle)
I second that!

__________________________________________________
(this line is so goddamn funny please pause and realize it’s a pun -Allyson)

CATWOMAN
Ugh, who invited Two-face?

TWO-FACE
Alright you weenies… let’s make this quick. I’m double part!
(every villain groans)

POISON IVY
Two-face, you deuce-bag, you didn’t get an invite.

TWO-FACE
I know, but this is the second meeting you guys haven’t invited me to, and it’s not fair!
I’m twice as villainous as the rest of you!

FREEZE
Oh yeah? What’s your latest subpar evil icecapade?

POISON IVY
What’re you gonna do, rob the second largest National Bank of all it’s two dollar bills?
(all villains laugh)

TWO-FACE
Yeah! On February 2nd!

CATWOMAN
I hate to let the cat out of the bag, but your two-theme is a cat-astrophe.

TWO-FACE
But you didn’t hear the part about the double homicide! Come on! P lease let me join
the Council of Rogues, please let me do it, please!

MR. FREEZE
No way!

POISON IVY
Leave.

PENGUIN
Fly the coop twoface! You’re a secondary villain.

__________________________________________________

TWO-FACE
Whatever, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I was gonna head over to a 2chainz
concert! Catch you on the… flipside?
(flips coin)
No, my coin! That’s okay, because I always carry…
(pulls out another coin)
Two!
(villains have been groaning this whole time)

MR. FREEZE
Get your broke ass outta here Two-face!

TWO-FACE
Aw well… deuces!
(exits, runs into a man with his face hidden on the way out)

SWEET TOOTH
Excuse me…

TWO-FACE
No it was my fault—
(turns face)
—and mine!
(now he exits)

PENGUIN
So what are we gonna do about this bird-brained dark knight, because quite frankly, I
am stumped.

SWEET TOOTH
Well, well, well, looks like you guys are up to your old Twix.

MR. FREEZE
A twix bar?

PENGUIN
Alright, alright, who’s the wise guy who thinks he’s a joker?

SWEET TOOTH
Ha, the joker? The joker was… a S ucker. You can call me…
(shows face)

__________________________________________________
Sweet Tooth, and as you can see I’m a lot tastier.

VILLAINS
(there is a phat gasp)
Sweet Tooth!

SCARECROW
Sweet Tooth is the coolest new villain in town—he’s been terrorizing Gotham with his
candy-themed crimes!

SWEET TOOTH
Yes, it’s been quite a Spree, hasn’t it? And yet, I still haven’t been invited to join the
Rogues Gallery… more like the Peanut Gallery if you ask me. I mean, what are you all
planning to do this time, kidnap the mayor and ransom him off for 1 00 Grand? How
boring. What you need, is a new leader. I nominate me!
(Sweet Tooth laughs)

PENGUIN
Quit your squawking Sweet Tooth, I’m emperor penguin around here! Chilly Willy!

CHILLY WILLY
(entering)
Yeah boss?

PENGUIN
Chilly Willy, extract this tooth from the premises posthaste.

CHILLY WILLY
With pleasure, Mr. Guin.

PENGUIN
Actually, it’s just one name, Penguin.

CHILLY WILLY
Sure thing, Mr. Pen.

PENGUIN
Okay.

SWEET TOOTH
Perhaps you need a demonstration of my villainy. Chilly Willy, I’ve got a question for
you.
(shows off a lollipop)

__________________________________________________
How many licks does it take… to kill you?

CHILLY WILLY
Uhh—

SWEET TOOTH
One… two… three!
(CHILLY WILLY is maybe stabbed by SWEET TOOTH if Allen says its not too violent. Either way
SWEET TOOTH will kill CHILLY WILLY. Villains all yell in surprise)
Three… I say, we kill the bat!

CATWOMAN
What a positively purrfect plan, Sweet Tooth.

PENGUIN
Kill the bat! If I had thought of that I’d still be the head of this henhouse. Sweet Tooth,
my top hat and monocle are off to you. Ladies and gentlemen, put your flippers
together for the new king of crime in Gotham.

SWEET TOOTH
(Villains celebrate)
Yes yes, now quit your S nickering, you Airheads. We’ve got a bat to deal with, and if we
ever want it to be Payday, we’ve got to strengthen our numbers. You see, divided we
rogues are just R unts, but together we pack a Sour punch. So, we need to recruit every
villain in Gotham. Cool themes, lame themes, themes that don’t match their powers.

EVIL KING ARTHUR
Does this mean… I can join you?

SWEET TOOTH
You are most welcome to join our round table, Evil King Arthur!

EVIL SHERLOCK HOLMES
And what about me?

SWEET TOOTH
But of course!

Finally, a chance to prove myself! When the citizens of Gotham see the might of my
heat ray there won’t be a soul alive who doesn’t fear the name… Sherlock Holmes.
(Villains applaud)

__________________________________________________

SWEET TOOTH
Excellent Sherlock! And put out the word to Evil Mother Goose and Huckleberry Finn
as well! Gotham’s been chewing on some bat casserole for far too long, but tonight,
we’re gonna give Gotham something sweet to suck on!

#4 - Rogues Are We (Reprise)____________________________________________

SWEET TOOTH (continued) VILLAINS
ROGUES! AH!
ASSEMBLE
GATHER, UNITE BEE-BOP!
AND TAKE A MENTAL SNAPSHOT
OF THIS MOST AUSPICIOUS NIGHT WOO!

WE’VE GOT STRENGTH IN
NUMBERS NOW
THE BATTLE CAN BEGIN MWAHAHA
WE’RE WAGING WAR ON BATMAN
AND THE WAR IS OURS TO WIN MWAHAHAHAHA

SWEET TOOTH AND POISON IVY VILLAINS
RISE UP! LIKE A NATURAL
DISASTER WOO!
WE TAKE THE BAT, THEN WE TAKE
BACK THE TOWN HERE HERE!
WE HARM IN HARMONY, ARM IN
ARM WE HOLD OUR STANCE
IN SOLIDARITY HE HASN’T A
CHANCE

VILLAINS
RISE UP! LIKE A NATURAL DISASTER
WE TAKE THE BAT, THEN WE TAKE BACK THE TOWN
WE HARM IN HARMONY, ARM IN ARM WE HOLD OUR STANCE
IN SOLIDARITY HE HASN’T A CHANCE

SWEET TOOTH
Let’s dance!

__________________________________________________
VILLAINS GROUP 1 VILLAINS GROUP 2 POISON IVY

ROGUES ARE WE! AH
RISE UP! LIKE A
ROGUES ARE WE! NATURAL DISASTER
WE TAKE THE BAT,
THEN WE TAKE BACK
ROGUES ARE WE! THE TOWN
WE HARM IN
HARMONY, ARM IN
ARM WE HOLD OUR
ROGUES ARE WE! STANCE
IN SOLIDARITY HE
HASN’T A CHANCE

VILLAINS
ROGUES ARE WE!

Scene 13

(BATMAN weeps eyeball sauce)

ALFRED/O’MALLEY
Sir, it’s me O’Malley. You can’t stay in your pillow fort and cry forever.

BATMAN
Yes I can.

ALFRED/O’MALLEY
But I’ve got a surprise for you.

BATMAN
(shows his face)
... What kind of surprise?

ALFRED/O’MALLEY
A visitor.
(BATMAN shuts himself away)

BATMAN
I don’t like visitors.

__________________________________________________
ALFRED/O’MALLEY
Yes I know, but this visitor is unlike any other. You see, this visitor, he’s from the
circus.
(BATMAN shows his face again)
You like the circus, don’t you?

BATMAN
… Yeah.

ALFRED/O’MALLEY
Who likes the circus?

BATMAN
Batman.

ALFRED/O’MALLEY
You like the circus!

BATMAN
Batman loves the circus.

ALFRED/O’MALLEY
Will you come out and give it a shot?

BATMAN
… I’ll try.

ALFRED/O’MALLEY
Very good sir.
(ALFRED puts a bathrobe on BATMAN)
Our guest is waiting in the drawing room. Now let’s get this tied around your little
waist, eh? So you feel nice and secure. There you are.

BATMAN
Thank you, O’Malley. You know, you remind me of two great men, that I once found
out were the same man.

ALFRED/O’MALLEY
Very good sir.
(they go to the drawing room)

__________________________________________________
BATMAN
What? A kid? O’Malley, I thought it was going to be an elephant, or a clown, at least. I
miss The Joker.

ALFRED/O’MALLEY
Give him a chance sir. He’s fallen on a patch of bad luck. You see, he’s an orphan.

BATMAN
An orphan? But… what happened to his mama? And papa?

ALFRED/O’MALLEY
Both dead, I’m afraid. And his heart is heavy with dread.

BATMAN
I know how that is. But he’s such a teeny little guy… You know what? I’m gonna go
introduce myself to him.

ALFRED/O’MALLEY
Very good, sir.

BATMAN
Hi, I’m BruceMan. I MEAN—I’m Bat Wayne. Damnit! Can I start over?

DICK GRAYSON
Sure.

BATMAN
(takes a second to recollect himself)
Hi, I’m Batman. DAMNIT. I’m Bruce Wayne.

DICK GRAYSON
Charmed, I’m sure. They call me… Dick.

BATMAN
Does that hurt your feelings?

DICK GRAYSON
No, because it’s my name. Dick Grayson.

BATMAN
What else do those little bastards call you?

__________________________________________________
DICK GRAYSON
They call me… the flying Grayson!
( Dick jumps. Parkour? A flying spin? He does something)

BATMAN
( yells)
Dazzling!

ALFRED/O’MALLEY
Well it’s nice to see you two hitting it off. Can I get you something to drink, sir?

DICK GRAYSON + BATMAN
( authoritatively)
A juicebox. And make it a Motts, goddamnit!
(both gasp and point to each other, ALFRED/O’MALLEY exits)

BATMAN
So, Dick… What do you think of my manor?

DICK GRAYSON
It’s gloomy. And old. And the floorboards are warped with tears of sorrow. I like it.

BATMAN
Really?

DICK GRAYSON
Mm-hmm.

BATMAN
Well, uh, seeing as you’re a homeless orphan, you can stay here a while. If you’d like.

DICK GRAYSON
Mr. Wayne, may I be frank with you?

BATMAN
Well sure, Frank, if you prefer it to Dick!

DICK GRAYSON
I’ve had my fair share of wealthy billionaires throughout the years, and it’s always the
same.. after the novelty has worn off, I’m back on the streets... as alone as the day my
parents were stolen from me by death’s greedy hand! So what makes you any different
from the rest of them, eh? Who is Bruce Wayne?

__________________________________________________
BATMAN
Hah. Who is Bruce Wayne? Good question, kid. Oh, I’m just your average,
run-of-the-mill, down-on-his-luck... billionaire. No—that’s not who I really am.
Bruce Wayne died the night that his parents were gunned down in front of his very
eyes. And from his ashes, I arose, to clean the streets of Gotham of it’s scum, so that
what happened to me—

DICK GRAYSON
—will never happen to anyone again!

BATMAN
Yes! Dick. I know that you’re just a teeny little boy, and we’ve only just now met, but, I
feel like we’re the same.

DICK GRAYSON
We’re the same.

BATMAN
Split, right down the middle.

DICK GRAYSON
Split, down the middle.

BATMAN
Dick, I wanna tell you something. Something that I’ve never told anyone before.
Except for a couple of my ex-girlfriends. And my last butler. And my new butler.

DICK GRAYSON
What is it, Bruce?

BATMAN
I’m Batman!

DICK GRAYSON
( high pitched yell)
I knew it!

BATMAN
What?

DICK GRAYSON
I knew you were Batman right from the moment you walked in this room! But it
wasn’t this bat symbol on your chest. Or the cape that’s carelessly dangling from

__________________________________________________
beneath your robe. No, it was the man behind the bat symbol on your chest, and in
front of the cape.

BATMAN
( BATMAN has a moment of realization)
… Me!

DICK GRAYSON
Yes. And now, I have something to tell you! It’s always been my secret dream to join in
your crusade, and fight alongside, as your sidekick!

BATMAN
Really?

DICK GRAYSON
Yes!

BATMAN
Ye-No!

DICK GRAYSON
What?

BATMAN
No Dick, I can’t.

DICK GRAYSON
Why?

BATMAN
I live a dark and gritty life of solitude. To be Batman is… is to be alone.

DICK GRAYSON
But Batman, I’m alone too. Perhaps… we could be alone… together.

BATMAN
...And so it shall be. Now Dick, are you ready to take a secret oath?
(ROBIN nods)
The secret oath, that I took many years ago. Repeat after me.

DICK GRAYSON
Repeat after me.

__________________________________________________
BATMAN
No not yet.

DICK GRAYSON
No not yet.

BATMAN
No I haven’t started-

DICK GRAYSON
No, I haven’t started-

BATMAN
( excited, catching onto ROBIN’s shenanigans)
You’re doing that on purpose!

DICK GRAYSON
You’re doing that on purpose!

BATMAN
Oh-(Batman says some excited gibberish that has the word poopy pants embedded in it)

DICK GRAYSON
Oh-(Robin repeats some excited gibberish that has the word poopy pants embedded in it)
(ROBIN and BATMAN hug)

BATMAN
Do you want to fight crime with me or what?

DICK GRAYSON
Yes, I would like that.

BATMAN
Good, then you must do as I do.
(after he says this, ROBIN starts copying his actions)
To strike terror into the hearts of the superstitious criminal scum of Gotham, you
must take on the guise of that which you fear most in order to scare them… Yeah… So
tell me Dick, what are you afraid of?

DICK GRAYSON
What am I afraid of? Years ago, when I was a humble circus boy, my parents and I
performed together in an acrobatic trio. Until one night, when performing their most

__________________________________________________
dangerous and awe inspiring feat, the Grayson dive, they were murdered… mid-air…
by a robin.

BATMAN
( with rage)
By a robber!

DICK GRAYSON
No. A robin.

BATMAN
What’s a robin? Is that like, a lizard?

DICK GRAYSON
It’s a song bird.

BATMAN
Oh. My god, it must be huge.

DICK GRAYSON
It’s quite small actually.

BATMAN
Oh. Well that’s good. Small is good. Actually, on my first night out, I was pterodactyl
man. But wouldn’t you know it, people laughed at me. And think that Batman works
really well because I’m a huge bat. But I’m a tiny pterodactyl.

DICK GRAYSON
Yes, and ever since that night, whenever I hear the cheerful chirp of a bluejay, or a
warbling dove, I’m filled with a quiet white rage.

BATMAN
Yes, use that rage. Become that songbird.

DICK GRAYSON
Yes, I can feel my transformation beginning.
( makes a bird with his hands)

BATMAN
Yes. Yes, I like that. What, uh, what are you doing with your fingers?

DICK GRAYSON
Those are my feathers.

__________________________________________________
BATMAN
Yeah.

DICK GRAYSON
From this moment forward, the rogues of Gotham shall tremble in fear before the
tweeting song of…
( rips off clothes, revealing supersuit)
The Robin!

BATMAN
It’s you! You look just like a giant bird!

DICK GRAYSON/ROBIN
I’m sorry for frightening you.

BATMAN
No, it’s good because tonight, Batman and Robin take to the streets! Tonight will be a
night—

ROBIN
—Of dancing!

BATMAN
Uh… yeah!

ALFRED/O’MALLEY
(entering)
It’s nice to see you smile again sir. I mean, for the first time.

BATMAN
O’Malley! You drunken idiot! Come here!
(BATMAN and ROBIN hug O’MALLEY)
Don’t wait up. Hey Robin, I’ll race you to the batmobile.

DICK GRAYSON
Alright!
( BATMAN and ROBIN giggle as they exit)

Scene 14

VICKY VALE
Just when it seemed as if Batman had cleaned up Gotham for good, a whole new wave
of trash has cluttered the streets. Police are baffled by what they are referring to as a

__________________________________________________
boom in the super villain population. Clock king, the Wizard and False Face. These are
just a few of the new and pitifully thought-out characters that have been crawling out
of the woodwork over the past few days. Though experts aren’t concerned about any
one villain in particular, given that they are all so stupid, some are worried that this
new army of crime will overpower the Batman in sheer numbers. Good luck Batman,
this could be your darkest night yet.
( exit VICKY VALE)

EDDIE
Finally!! Out of the slammer, and surgery. Time to get back to our life of crime.
( Mobster laughing)

MATCHES
Only this time, let’s not get caught by the bat.

EDDIE
Don’t worry, not even the Bat dares mess with our new boss...Egghead.

EGGHEAD
Alright you turkeys! Load the chickens into the trucks! Yeah, eggcelent! Let’s see what
Gotham city does without a ready supply of eggs.
( EDDIE laughs, and there is the noise of a bird)
Hey, what the devilled was that?

MATCHES
Sounded just like a bird.

EDDIE
Yeah, cause we’re standing by a truck full of chickens, ya chicken!

MATCHES
That wasn’t no cluckin chicken. Sounded more like…

ROBIN
(ROBIN enters, dramatically)
Ca-caw!

EDDIE
A giant robin!

(enter BATMAN, also dramatically)
BATMAN
We heard you were hatching a scheme, Egghead!

__________________________________________________
ROBIN
But we’ve cracked the case!

BATMAN
It’s over.

ROBIN
Yeah, over easy.

BATMAN + ROBIN
Scramble!
( fighting ensues, and then BATMAN and ROBIN turn around to look at each other)

#5 - The Dynamic Duet________________________________________________.

BATMAN
WE’RE LIKE LONG LOST BROTHERS WHO FOUND EACH OTHER.

ROBIN
AND LOVE EACH OTHER LIKE FAMILY

BATMAN
AND THOUGH WE’RE NOT RELATED

ROBIN
AND IT’S TOTALLY BELATED

BATMAN
I’M ELATED JUST TO SAY YOU ARE MY BRO

ROBIN
MI AMIGO

BATMAN
AND WHERE I GO

ROBIN
IS WHERE WE GO

BATMAN
AND IT FEELS AS THOUGH IT WAS DESTINED TO BE SO
SO VERY NICE

__________________________________________________
ROBIN
Look Batman, a dog!

BATMAN
Quick Robin, pet it!

Scene 15

CHILI’S WORKER
Hi, welcome to Chili’s! I—Oh my God, it’s Calendar Man!

CALENDAR MAN
Right! You may have thought I was waiting for a table, but now it’s time to March… to
your death.

CHILI’S WORKER
Ooh!

CALENDAR MAN
Quick! Take this pillowcase! Fill it with that old timey memorabilia and that vintage
Elvis poster!

CHILI’S WORKER
Ah! Yanno, I’m sorry, but here at TGI Friday’s, all we can offer you is lukewarm service
and a forced-fun atmosphere, so—
( enter ROBIN and BATMAN, yelling)
—Ahh!

BATMAN
Calendar Man, your days are numbered!
( BATMAN and ROBIN giggle to each other)

CALENDAR MAN
Batman! And a tiny little bird… Well, well, well. Looks like today’s not your lucky
day—Boxing Day’s coming early! I’m gonna punch you weak links into next month!
Come at me you April fools!
(another fight scene ensues until CALENDAR MAN is beaten)

CHILI’S WORKER
Thank you Batman—
( BATMAN punches CHILI’S WORKER)

__________________________________________________
BATMAN CHORUS
HOW COULD IT ALL HAVE BEEN SO OOOH

ROBIN
LONESOME AND HOPELESS, I Oooooo
KNOW

BATMAN
oOOOH
PROMISE YOU WON’T GO OUT AND
GET MUGGED AND MURDERED ON
ME

ROBIN
I cross my heart!

BATMAN
DUM!
I’LL NEVER LET THAT HAPPEN
OOOO
WE’LL HAVE EACHOTHERS BACKS
AND

ROBIN
LISTEN TO THE JACKSON 5 OOOOOh
AND DANCE THE NIGHT AWAY

BATMAN
AHHHHHHHHHHH
ROBIN YOU’VE PARTED THE

CLOUDS

ROBIN
BY THE LIGHT OF THE MOON WE AHHHHHHHH
HAVE FOUND THE SUNRISE

BATMAN
BOP BOP BOP BOP BOP
I NEVER THOUGHT I’D FIND IT

ROBIN BOP BOP BOP BOP BOP
NEARLY BLINDED BY IT

ALL
SO BRIGHT, SO BRIGHT, SO BRIGHT.

__________________________________________________
ROBIN
YOU ARE MY BRIGHT KNIGHT

BATMAN
AND YOU’RE MY MORNING BIRD

BATMAN + ROBIN
WE’RE WINGMEN
SINGING IN THIRDS

BATMAN
SPRING TO MY WINTER

BATMAN + ROBIN
FLYING IN THE FRIENDSHIP SHIP

ROBIN
Batman?

BATMAN
Robin?

ROBIN
YOU ARE MY BRIGHT KNIGHT

BATMAN
AND YOU’RE MY MORNING BIRD

BATMAN + ROBIN
WE’RE WINGMEN
MY VISION IS BLURRED

BATMAN
FROM THE TEARS OF JOY

BATMAN + ROBIN
NO MORE DARK SAD LONELY KNIGHTS

Scene 16

( BATMAN gets stuck in a giant cage, enter PENGUIN)

__________________________________________________
PENGUIN
( evil laughing)
Ah! Finally, Batman, I have you trapped! Tweet tweet. And that’s the last sound you’re
ever gonna hear. Because as soon as that birdseed fills the bottom of that birdcage, I’m
gonna release my hummingbird ostrich hybrid murder birds. And they’re gonna peck
your goddamn brains out, Batman.

BATMAN
You’re a fiend penguin.

PENGUIN
What’s the matter, Batman, not a bird lover?

BATMAN
On the contrary… there is one bird that I love. Very much.

PENGUIN
Aw, and what bird would that be, Batman?

BATMAN
A robin.

PENGUIN
A robin? Isn’t that like a lizard or-
( PENGUIN yells as he is attacked by ROBIN)

ROBIN
Ha!

PENGUIN
Ah! My butthole! Ooh! I cannot believe this is happening!

ROBIN
Oh, it’s happening, man!

BATMAN
Thanks old chum! You sure got me out of a… birdcage!

ROBIN
Don’t mention it Batman! Now, let’s get this jail bird back to the cuckoo’s nest!

__________________________________________________
PENGUIN
Ooh, high five all you want! But Gotham City still has a Sweet Tooth, and that means
no one’s safe!

BATMAN
Hmm..
( punches PENGUIN and holds him)
Gotham City still has a sweet tooth? What’s that supposed to mean? Talk, you stupid
pigeon!

PENGUIN
Sorry Batman, but I’m no… G usher.
( PENGUIN pulls out a pack of gushers and stuffs several into his mouth. He starts to seize up and
falls offstage, yelling.)

BATMAN
His head… it turned into a… rockin’ blue raspberry!
( ROBIN starts to eat one)
No Robin, don’t eat those! They’re poisoned.

ROBIN
Oh my!
( ROBIN stuffs the gushers down his pants/underwear. IDK what we’re having him wear)
Gotham City still has a sweet tooth—what could that mean, Batman? Do you think it’s
some kind of riddle?

BATMAN
I’m not sure, but regardless, we need to find this sweet tooth and pluck it before
Gotham gets a cavity.

ROBIN
Well I’m not worried. Because there’s nothing that we can’t do… together. Isn’t that
right, life long friend?

BATMAN
No. Life… partner.

BATMAN + ROBIN
BUDDIES! BROS! HOMIES! AMIGOS!

ROBIN
PIZZA!
BATMAN

__________________________________________________
NINTENDO!

BATMAN + ROBIN
WOO WOO WOO! LET’S GO!

WE’RE LIKE LONG-LOST BROTHERS
WHO FOUND EACH OTHER
AND LOVE EACH OTHER LIKE FAMILY

YOU ARE MY BRO
MI AMIGO
AND WHERE I GO
IS WHERE WE GO

AND IT FEELS LIKE IT WAS DESTINED TO BE

BATMAN ROBIN
SO, SO VERY NICE SO
OH OH OH OH!

(BATMAN and ROBIN continue to dance as SWEET TOOTH, CATWOMAN, and POISON IVY)

Scene 17

CATWOMAN
Oh, hiss and vinegar! What are we supposed to do meow?

POISON IVY
Yes, Batman was fearsome before, but now he’s got Robin.

SWEET TOOTH
Wait, say that again.

POISON IVY
Batman was fearsome before, but now—

SWEET TOOTH
But now he’s got Robin! Gasp. G odiva good plan.

POISON IVY
What is it, my candy prince of crime?
SWEET TOOTH

__________________________________________________
The bat’s got a soft spot for that bird, and another word for soft spot… is weak spot! I
think it’s time we put an end to this dynamic duet, don’t you? Say goodnight dark
knight… parting is such sweet sorrow.
( all laugh. CATWOMAN only laughs in meows)
(dance break with all the bodies on the floor, plus the villain trio)

__________________________________________________
ACT 2

#6 - Robin Sucks_____________________________________________________
VICKY VALE
It appears the caped crusader has taken on a ward. That’s right, Robin “The Boy
Wonder”, and this bird boy has all of Gotham a-flutter. We here at Channel 7 have
taken to the streets to find out what Gotham has to say about the Dark Knight’s
not-so-dark new pal.
(Scene fades to citizens talking as if being interviewed while acting out their professions)

PIZZA 1
Ah... yeah. Robin? What do I think about Robin...

CONSTRUCTION WORKER
Aw, Batman’s hanging out with some kid now, what do I think about that?

SHOPKEEPER
What can I say about Robin that hasn’t been said already?

PIZZA 1
It’s plain to me that—

CONSTRUCTION WORKER
I might be the only one that thinks this but—

SHOPKEEPER
I’m pretty sure everyone agrees that

ALL
Robin sucks!

CONSTRUCTION WORKER
Batman’s a loner, you know? But now he’s running around telling jokes with some
kid, it’s like... Don’t do that.

SHOPKEEPER
Where’s the kid’s pants?
(enter NERDS)

__________________________________________________
NERD 1
Batman should always be a solitary figure. And the concept of a child crime fighter is
ridiculous… It ruins the gritty realism of a man who fights crime dressed as a bat.

NERD 2
So say we all, Excelsior.

NERD 1
Amen to that.

NERDS
BATMAN DOESN’T NEED A SIDEKICK
UNDERMINES HIS WHOLE AESTHETIC
WHOLE THING JUST GIVES ME A HEADACHE

ALL
ROBIN SUCKS

Scene 1

VOICEMAIL
You’ve reached the voicemail of:

BATMAN’S VOICE
Bruce Man. I mean Bat Wayne. I mean Bat—UGH, F—

VOICEMAIL
Please leave a message after the tone. BEEP.

SUPERMAN
Hey Batman, it’s Superman. So I heard about your new sidekick… That’s cool, so,
you’re copying me again? I mean, everyone remembers my sidekick… Krypto the
superdog? Growing up, that superdog was a superman’s best friend. Then we moved
to Metropolis and he started chasing cars and destroying them and leaving some
super poops everywhere. Then he super humped Lois’s leg and put her in that full
body cast, and that was kinda strike three for Krypto… I miss that dog. Speaking of
missing things, where were you for the Solomon Grundy thing on Monday? Turned
out to be smaller than I expected… just a couple of cool guys… me and… Solomon
Grundy. Well anyways, just give me a call back.
( there is dog howl from off stage)
Krypto?
( SUPERMAN runs off)

__________________________________________________
Scene 2

PAPER DELIVERER
Extra, extra, read all about it! Robin sucks!

PIZZA 1
Ooh, I’ll take one of those.

CONSTRUCTION WORKER
I’ll take one of those, ma’am.
PAPER DELIVERER
There you are.
CONSTRUCTION WORKER
Thank you.
COMMISSIONER GORDON
HE MAY BE A SOLID DUDE,

PAPER DELIVERER
BUT BATMAN, HE NEEDS SOLITUDE.

CONSTRUCTION WORKER
ROBIN MAKES HIM FRICKIN’ CUTE.

ALL
ROBIN SUCKS!

PIZZA 1
TANYA SAID,

SHOPKEEPER
THAT LARRY SAID,

CONSTRUCTION WORKER
THAT SARAH SAID

PAPER DELIVERER
HE WETS THE BED

COMMISSIONER GORDON
HE PROBABLY DOES, HE’S ONLY TEN

__________________________________________________
ALL
ROBIN SUCKS!

COMMISSIONER GORDON
Now, get out of my office!
(citizens grumble and moan)
Yep, I live here.

(enter ROBIN, holding NERD 2)

ROBIN
Another criminal, Commissioner! I caught this ruffian trying to download Photoshop
onto more than one computer.

COMMISSIONER GORDON
Oh!

NERD 2
I’d like to speak my lawyer.

ROBIN
(slaps him)
Quiet, you.

COMMISSIONER GORDON
Err, thanks Robin but, uh, where are your pants?

ROBIN
Pants are a luxury; my costume is designed to be aerodynamically perfect.

COMMISSIONER GORDON
God, you suck.

ROBIN
If I were to wear pants, it would decrease my crime fighting abilities by 20%. I can’t
afford that, can you?

COMMISSIONER GORDON
Well jeez, if you can’t afford a pair of pants I’ll give you mine... Let me just get em off
here.
( COMMISSIONER GORDON removes his pants as NERD 2 escapes and ROBIN runs off after him)
Here you go—hey, where’d he go? He vanished. Oh okay...

__________________________________________________
ENSEMBLE
ROBINS AREN’T SCARY
THEY’RE COMPLETELY ORDINARY
MIGHT AS WELL CALL HIM CANARY
FREAKIN’ ROBIN SUCKS

ROBINS ARE SO COMMON
THEY’RE THE STATE BIRD OF WISCONSIN
SO WHAT ELSE DO YOU NEED TO KNOW
ROBIN SUCKS

Scene 3
RACHEL DAWES
Help! Help, somebody help me.

ROBIN
I know that sound all too well. That’s the sound of an innocent soul falling victim to
the world’s injustice… Well, it’s time for the Robin to swoop in. Grayson dive!

RACHEL DAWES
Help! Help, somebody please help me.

ROBIN
Mrs. Rachel Dawes of the D.A.’s office! Don’t worry, I’m here to help.

RACHEL DAWES
Thank god—oh. Robin… Great. I wanted help, not a babysitting gig. Just when I
thought this mugging couldn’t get any worse.

Yeah!
( attacking noises/yells?)

ROBIN
Stand down sir, or I’ll be forced to use force—Good heavens sir, you look ill.
( EVIL SHERLOCK HOLMES groans and collapses into Robin’s arms)
Oh my—heavens to Betsy! This man needs a doctor. He has to go to the hospital so he
can go to jail.

The boss said the pain would go away, that my tum tum wouldn’t hurt no more.

__________________________________________________
ROBIN
What’s the matter with your tum tum?

It’s fricken upset!
( ROBIN and RACHEL DAWES gasp)
The boss… he mades me eat...

ROBIN
What… what did he make you eat?

P-pop rocks.. And.. coke-a… cola.

ROBIN
( EVIL SHERLOCK HOLMES starts yelling and convulsing)
Pop rocks and a coke?
( picks up EVIL SHERLOCK HOLMES and shoves him offstage)
Mrs. Dawes, get down!
( ROBIN dives away from the EVIL SHERLOCK HOLMES and an explosion is heard)

SWEET TOOTH
( cackling)
I always like to enter on a bang.

ROBIN
Who are you?

SWEET TOOTH
Me? Why, I’m the one who’s been feeding Gotham’s craving for chaos. Haven’t you
and Batman enjoyed my latest batch of M &M’s? Murder and mayhem, there they are.

ROBIN
Gotham City still has a… Sweet tooth?

SWEET TOOTH
That’s me.

ROBIN
And you’re the one behind all the new villains in town.

SWEET TOOTH
Ooh, aren’t you a Smarty?

__________________________________________________
ROBIN
Ooh, I like these!
(grabs Smarties)

SWEET TOOTH
Good… good.

ROBIN
(composing himself)
Well, your sugar high is over, Sweet Tooth, and you’re right about to crash... Into
Arkham Asylum, that is. Get ready to trade your peppermint patty for a padded cell.

SWEET TOOTH
(laughing)
Oh, you’re the one that’s nutty if you think that I’m going to the nut house, my
Almond Joy wonder.

ROBIN
I don’t like these.

SWEET TOOTH
Well perhaps you’ll enjoy my next batch. Get him, my sour patch kids.

SOUR PATCH 1 (GOB)
Bout time we candy coated this robin’s breast red.

SOUR PATCH 2 (JOE)
We’re gonna tear out your jelly belly.

ROBIN
Mrs. Dawes, go. I’ll take care of the lollipop guild.

RACHEL DAWES
Thanks Robin! Now I feel bad for thinking you suck.

ROBIN
Just go.

SWEET TOOTH
Oh, you’re not going anywhere, Mrs. Dawes… G ob, stopper!

__________________________________________________
ROBIN
I’m sorry Gob, but I’m the only jawbreaker around here!
( ROBIN punches GOB)

SWEET TOOTH
Do I have to do everything around here myself? Hand me my Bazooka, Joe. Now
goddamnit, how do you work this thing?
( SWEET TOOTH pretends to shoot RACHEL DAWES, nothing actually pops outta the Bazooka.
Everyone reacts as though RACHEL is being shot.)

RACHEL
That Bazooka is shooting my legs with Bubble Gum! Mmm, I can’t move them.
They’re wrapped in bubbalicious.
( she starts eating the bubble gum)

ROBIN
Mrs. Dawes…. And I thought I was a gum-shoe.

(CANDY giggles from offstage, then enters)

CANDY
Now that’s what I call a sticky situation, huh, S.T.?
( giggles again)

SWEET TOOTH
You said it, Candy. Well, what do you think Robin? Doesn’t Candy here look good
enough to eat? She’s my little S
ugar Baby.

CANDY
Yeah, and he’s my Sweetart.

SWEET TOOTH
( SWEET TOOTH grabs CANDY)
I’m the one who makes the Candy puns around here, got it?
( SWEET TOOTH pushes CANDY and she falls)

ROBIN
Oh, miss, did he hurt you?

CANDY
No, it felt like a K
iss.

ROBIN
A kiss, what could it mean?

__________________________________________________

CANDY
Take this Bird Boy! Hiyah!

ROBIN
Noooo!

CANDY
So whaddaya say, S.T.? Should we kill him Now or Later?

SWEET TOOTH
No no no, I have plans for this little chicklet. Take 5 boys, we’ve got a long night ahead
of us.
( SOUR PATCH KIDS carry ROBIN offstage)
Candy, be a d
ove and tell my troops to advance on Gotham square. Get ready my
darling, deluded dark night. It’s gonna be a H
ot Tamale in the old town tonight.
( SWEET TOOTH and CANDY laugh maliciously)

Scene 4
(the scene begins with BATMAN typing)

ALFRED/O’MALLEY
Mail, sir.

BATMAN
Oh. Thank you O’Malley. Hmm… let’s see… what do we got here. Bills, bills, bills,
hey—what’s this? It’s a letter from Spiderman. I bet it’s about that lousy-ass slow
plane that I sent him. “Dear Bats, Thanks for the offer, but I won’t be able to take the
plane off of your hands, I don’t have anywhere to ‘stick it’.
( BATMAN laughs real hard)
Love, your friendly neighborhood spiderman. P.S., I’m a huge fan, I follow you on the
‘web’”.
(BATMAN loses it laughing again. Maybe a few snorts.)
Wow, what a sweetheart. You know what? This is going up on the bat fridge! Quick,
O’Malley! To the bat fridge! There, I put it right next to Robin’s great drawing that I
gave an A++++++++++ (kissing noises).

ALFRED/O’MALLEY
Right sir, I’ll take this rubbish away. Newspapers, most of the time, they’re a waste of
time.
BATMAN
O’Malley, I want to read the funnies.

__________________________________________________

ALFRED/O’MALLEY
Wait, let me read them for you.

BATMAN
… Okay.

ALFRED/O’MALLEY
Gilbert’s coworkers have made a quip at his expense.
( BATMAN giggles a lil)
Will that man ever iron his tie?
( BATMAN laughs)

BATMAN
That sounds funny, give it to me.

ALFRED/O’MALLEY
Wait no, sir, please.
( BATMAN grabs the newspaper)

BATMAN
What? “Robin the Boy Blunder”? What’s this? “Batman’s new sidekick is a lame
cheery cheesy fruity fruitcake”? “With no pants... And a hamburgler mask”?! “He
ruins the once beloved Dark and Gritty Batman”? Robin… ruin… Batman? But that’s
not true. Robin make Batman happy. O’Malley, why would somebody write something
like this?

ALFRED/O’MALLEY
Well I ah… I suppose they think he’s stupid.

BATMAN
That’s ridiculous, what’s stupid about a happy little boy flying around Gotham city,
spreading cheer to all of the people?

ALFRED/O’MALLEY
Well when you put it that way, you can’t blame em. I mean almost everything is stupid
at—

BATMAN
What? Robin’s not stupid. You’re stupid!

ALFRED/O’MALLEY
Hey—

__________________________________________________

BATMAN
You’ve always hated Robin, haven’t you? Don’t think I haven’t noticed. Get OUT of the
Bat Cave you drunken slob. You’re fired.

ALFRED/O’MALLEY
You’re getting lost in this crazy character of yours, but it that’s what you bloody want,
then fine.

BATMAN
Fine.

ALFRED/O’MALLEY
Good.

BATMAN
Great.

ALFRED/O’MALLEY
I’ll pack my things.

BATMAN
Don’t bother, I’ll have them burned.

ALFRED/O’MALLEY
Eat my pants.

BATMAN
Eat MY pants!
( ALFRED/O’MALLEY exits)
Hamburgler mask… this doesn’t make any sense.
( ALFRED/O’MALLEY returns with traditional Chinese clothes on)

ALFRED/O’MALLEY
Oh, hello.

BATMAN
Who are you and how did you get into the Bat Cave?

ALFRED/O’MALLEY/QWANG LI

__________________________________________________
Oh, forgive me please. The agency just sent me over. My name is Qwang Li, the Asian
American butler.

BATMAN
Ah, good to meet you, Qwang Li. I’m Batwayne. Ergh, I’m Bruceman, DAMNIT, I’m
Batman! And I’m in a bad mood.
( an alarm goes off)

Oh, the Bat Alarm sir.

BATMAN
You’re right. Put it up on the big screen.

Very good.

Scene 5

VICKY VALE
We interrupt this traditional New Year’s Eve broadcast of Notting Hill for a special
news bulletin. Less than thirty minutes ago, Gotham Square was taken hostage by a
force of heavily armed thugs. Amongst the rogues, some of Batman’s most deadly foes
have been spotted, including Catwoman, Killer Moth, Maxi Zeus, and the Steadfasting
Soldier. Police are trying desperately to rescue the 3000 plus citizens being held
hostage.
COMMISSIONER GORDON
( enters with O’REILLY)
Send in the choppers!

It’s elementary, Gordon. You’re no match for my heat ray.

COMMISSIONER GORDON
( increasing heat ray sounds and sounds of destruction)
Oh! No! Get those choppers out of here! What am I thinking?! I’m such a boob.

VICKY VALE
But up until now, police have been unable to penetrate the barricade of rogues
surrounding the square. And just ten minutes ago we here at Channel 7 received this
vlog from the rogue’s ring leader, and have been demanded to air it. I warn you… it is
disturbing.

__________________________________________________

SWEET TOOTH
( vlogging)
Who can take the sunrise... And sprinkle it with blood? Well Gotham City, it’s me,
@Sweetie949. Time for your fav—

TWO-FACE
And Two-Face!

SWEET TOOTH
Beat it, Two-Face.

TWO-FACE
Wait but… ugh.

SWEET TOOTH
Let’s try that again then, shall we? Hello, Gotham, it’s me. I’m sure you’ve noticed by
now that Gotham square is in my sticky grasp, but just like a kid in a candy store, I’ve
managed to stick a few extra goodies in my pockets while no one was looking. Let’s
take a peek at my secret stash, shall we? Oh and Batman, I sure hope you’re watching
because this is sure to make your mouth water…
( turns the camera to ROBIN)
The Boy Wonder! Poor Robin. He risks his life trying to be Gotham’s L ifesaver, and
they hate his guts… but how much? I’m dying to find out, so I devised a little,
Whatchamacall It? ...A death trap. Feast your eyes on this, my nuclear Warhead. At
exactly 5 AM tomorrow morning, I will lower the warhead into the city’s water supply.
It’s going to be quite the f un dip because the warhead will make the water so tart that
anyone who drinks from it will… hmm, perhaps I should just show you. Let’s give it a
lick, shall we, Mrs. Rachel Dawes?

RACHEL DAWES
No, no, please don’t.

SWEET TOOTH
It puts the warhead on it’s tongue…

CANDY
Or else it gets the hose again.
( RACHEL licks the warhead and then makes noises and convulses, before falling to the ground)

SWEET TOOTH

__________________________________________________
That’s right, her head imploded. Just like all of Gotham’s will unless… hmm, S kittle
me this: Will Gotham forsake its heroes, or will its heroes forsake Gotham? You see,
I’ve set up a Twitter poll, and for the next 7 hours, I will be taking votes from the
people of Gotham. The moment the sun rises, I will either lower the warhead into the
city’s water supply, or I will kill Robin. So it’s all for the people of Gotham to decide.
Do I implode your heads, or put a bullet in the Boy Wonder’s? I think I can already
guess your decision. So unless Batman betrays you all and shows up at Gotham square
to save his little Nerd, then Robin dies at dawn.
( cackles with CANDY)

TWO-FACE
( laughing, trying to join in)
Yeah, and simultaneously, while that’s happening, I, Two-Face, will be
simultaneously robbing the Second Gotham City bank of all it’s two dollar bills. So
collectors of out-of-print currency, beware!
( they all laugh)

SWEET TOOTH
You’re coming with me boy!
( picks up ROBIN)

Scene 6

BATMAN
( in a rage, tumbling things over)
NOOOO, Sweet Tooth! No, Robin. Robin! What do I do… Do I abandon Gotham City or
do I forsake my only chum? I— I—I wish Alfred was here.

ALFRED
( taking off QWANG LI hat)
I am here, sir.

BATMAN
Alfred!

ALFRED
That’s me.

BATMAN
You—you came back?!
( they hug)
Thank you.
ALFRED

__________________________________________________
I never left. I’ve always been right here.

( points to BATMAN’s heart, then flicks finger up to his nose)
Boop!
( BATMAN laughs, and they start playfully punching each other back and forth, until BATMAN
accidentally punches ALFRED so hard that he gets knocked to the ground. BATMAN is startled and
then pulls him up. ALFRED is discombobulated by the hit.)

BATMAN
So, what do I do, Al? Do I choose my city or my friend?

ALFRED
A lesson learned from your father is that a true hero, Master Wayne, finds a way to
choose both.

BATMAN
You’re right Alfred. I know what I have to do. Forget Gotham, I’m saving Robin! Now
I’ve got to get out of here, I have to save Robin and stop Sweet Tooth!

ALFRED
And I’ve got to stop Two-Face! This looks like a job for Qwang Li. Oh, goodbye sir, I’m
borrowing the batmobile.

BATMAN
Good luck Qwang Li, and prepare yourself Sweet Tooth. My most well known nemesis,
tonight you’re taking no hostages, and tonight I’m taking no prisoners.
( BATMAN zooms off)

Scene 7

SCARED 1
Hey, have you been watching the news?

SCARED 2
I sure have. That nutjob Sweet Tooth is going to poison the water supply!

SCARED 1
This is even worse than when the Joker poisoned the water supply.

SCARED 2
Or when the Scarecrow poisoned the water supply.

SCARED 1

__________________________________________________
Or when Killer Croc poisoned the water supply. That’s how he died… the poor fool.

SCARED 2
Hey, don’t worry pal. Kill Robin, or risk blowing up our own heads? It’s obvious what
we should vote for.

SCARED 1
It’s a no brainer.

STREET BUM
( leans in from offstage, ominously. Speaks in a low voice)
...You guys better get on Twitter…
( leans back off)

SCARED 1 & 2
Why?

STREET BUM
( leans back in)
...Batman just tweeted and I don’t think you’re gonna like it.
( violently leaves)

BATMAN
Citizens of Gotham, if you’re choosing to kill Robin, then hashtag we can’t be friends.
I’m saving my Dick, so say goodbye to your heads. Deal with it.

SCARED 1
I don’t believe it!

SCARED 2
Batman’s really going through with this!

VICKY VALE
Holy twit, Gotham has jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire as Batman’s
latest tweet has sent the citizenry into a state of panic. Experts are saying that if
Batman does save Robin, Sweet Tooth will undoubtedly release the warhead.

Scene 8

(OBAMA sits facing away from the audience)

SECRET SERVICE 1

__________________________________________________
Mr. President, we have a serious situation in Gotham, have you guys been watching
the news?

SECRET SERVICE 2
This is the White House, we’re always watching the news.

SECRET SERVICE 1
Well, what are we going to do? Gotham City has declared a state of emergency.

SECRET SERVICE 1
Well, we’ll send in the national guard.

SECRET SERVICE 2
There’s not enough time to send in the national guard, not enough time before
Batman rushes in there and gets everybody killed!

SECRET SERVICE 1
Well what do you expect me to do Johnson?

SECRET SERVICE 2
I don’t know! Nobody can stop Batman, that’s why he’s my favorite superhero!

OBAMA
There is one man who could stop him.

SECRET SERVICE 1
Mr. President.

OBAMA
Hand me the phone, please.

SUPERMAN
(SUPERMAN’s signature ringtone)
Hello?! Batman?! It’s Superman. I mean, uh,
(cooler voice)
This is one of Superman’s friends. I’ll get Superman for ya, hold on. Yo, Supes!
(Regular voice)
Uh, what is it Snoop Dogg?
(Snoop Dogg voice)
You’ve got a phone call, my dude.
(regular voice)

__________________________________________________
Woah, another one? Alright. Hey, hey, tell everyone to tone the party down, okay?
...And tell Wonderwoman that her eagle brassiere can be found on the floor in my
bedroom… Hey Batman, it’s Superman.

OBAMA
No, Superman, this isn’t Batman.

SUPERMAN
Then who IS IT?

OBAMA
This is the president of the United States of America, Barack Obama.

SUPERMAN
Huh, what do you want Mr. President? And make it quick, I’m expecting a phone call.

OBAMA
Superman, I don’t know if you’ve been watching the news, but I need to ask for a
super favor. You see, folks out there are scared. They’re scared of a man dressed up
like a bat.

SUPERMAN
Um, Batman?

OBAMA
You guessed it, Superman. I want you to fly over there, and I want you to bring this
Batman fella in.

SUPERMAN
You want me to arrest Batman? But he’s a hero.

OBAMA
Now I’m not so sure about that, Superman. You see, you and me? We’ve got a lot in
common. We’re both fighting for the American way the best we can. That Batman,
he’s a different breed. He don’t seem to give a hoot for the law of the country.

SUPERMAN
I dunno… I dunno Barack. I don’t think he’s gonna let me take him in alive.

OBAMA
Any means necessary Superman. Hey I knew I could count on you. I’m a huge fan, I
follow you on the tweeter and everything.

__________________________________________________
SUPERMAN
Oh, really?

OBAMA
Yeah, you should tweet at me sometime. My handle is @TheRealBarackObama,
because some smartass named Bruce Wayne took the username @BarackObama and
just tweets about how dumb I am. Well, good luck, Superman. Tell Snoop Dogg I said
hi, and then go give that Batman one for the people, by the people. Show him that our
way works.

SUPERMAN
Thanks Obama...

#7- The American Way_______________________________________________..

SUPERMAN
TRUTH AND LIBERTY AND JUSTICE
ALL ARE IN JEOPARDY TONIGHT
ALL WE CHERISH HERE,
AND ALL THE VALUES THAT WE HOLD DEAR
ARE IN THE BALANCE TONIGHT.

‘CAUSE IT’S AMERICA, AND WE’RE AMERICAN
AND IN AMERICA WE DO WHAT'S RIGHT.

THE FIRETRUCK'S HERE FOR THE KITTY IN THE TREE

CITIZENS:
OH, THE AMERICAN WAY!

SUPERMAN:
AND IF THE COPS CAN'T COME, YOU CAN ALWAYS CALL ON ME

CITIZENS:
THAT'S THE AMERICAN WAY!

SUPERMAN:
BECAUSE I CAN, THEREFORE I WILL.
I’m coming for you tonight Batman… we could’ve been friends but this is what
happens when you don’t return people’s phone calls!

__________________________________________________
BATMAN:
TONIGHT IT'S PERSONAL, I'M UNLEASHING MY ARSENAL
TO RAIN BLOOD TONIGHT.
TONIGHT, I'M GONNA SAVE MY BRO,
AND IF ALL OF GOTHAM HAS GOT TO GO
THEN SO BE IT.

‘CAUSE IT'S AMERICA, AND I'M AMERICAN,
AND IN AMERICA I DO WHAT I LIKE.

IF MONEY CAN'T FIX IT THAN I HAVEN'T FOUND IT YET

CITIZENS:

BATMAN:
BE A BORN BILLIONAIRE AND HAVE YOUR BUTLER BUILD A JET

CITIZENS:

BATMAN:
BECAUSE I CAN, SAVE MY FRIEND
I’LL DO WHAT I HAVE TO. I'M MY OWN BOSS, MAN.

SWEET TOOTH: VILLAINS:
OOH
TONIGHT WE'RE TAKING BACK
THE TOWN
WE'VE GOT A BAT TRAP SET
WE'RE GONNA CATCH THE CLOWN
IN AMERICA TONIGHT.

WE'VE GOT A WARHEAD READY IN
THE WATER SUPPLY
TONIGHT THE BAT AND HIS BULL
WON'T FLY
SO ROBIN, GOODNIGHT!

CAUSE IT'S AMERICA, AND WE'RE
AMERICAN, AND IN AMERICA
WE FIGHT!

__________________________________________________
SWEET TOOTH:
NEVER GONNA WIN ‘TIL YOUR ENEMIES ARE DEAD

VILLAINS:

SWEET TOOTH:
SPREADING DREAD AND BLOWING UP THEIR HEADS

VILLAINS:

SWEET TOOTH:
BECAUSE I CANDY DO AS I PLEASE
I'M SPREADING CHOCOLATE, BABY, ON GOTHAM'S CHEESE.

SUPERMAN:
THE LETTER OF THE LAW IS A CAPITAL "S"

CITIZENS:

AMERICAN CITIZEN:
WE'RE ALL JUST PAWNS IN A STUPID GAME OF CHESS

CITIZENS:

TWO FACE:
A BRIEFCASE FILLED WITH TWO DOLLAR BILLS

CITIZENS:

BATMAN:
INHERITANCE TRUST FUNDS, MILLION DOLLAR BILLS

CITIZENS:
THAT'S THE AMERICAN
NOT QUITE CANADIAN
MOST OF US ARE MEXICAN

AMERICAN...

__________________________________________________
AMERICAN...
AMERICAN...
AMERICAN WAY!

Scene 9

(sounds of city destruction)

O’REILLY
Commissioner, the last of the squad cars were just blown to smithereens and the
entire swat team has been rushed to intensive care.

COMMISSIONER GORDON
I feel like I’m really flubbing this one up.

O’REILLY
No sir! Don’t you beat yourself up about this.

COMMISSIONER GORDON
Well you tell those troops to fall back. Abandon Gotham square, we just can’t get
through that barricade!

Scene 10

SWEET TOOTH
(cackling)
You hear that? That’s the sound of chaos, G ood & Plenty! Batman couldn’t get here if
he tried! It’s literally impossible! I anticipated every singl—
(there’s a bang from offstage)
—what was that?

CATWOMAN
Oh no! Sweet Tooth, you’re new in town, aren’t you?

SCARECROW
Oh gasp! Well that means you don’t know about the plane!

SWEET TOOTH
Plane? What plane?
(there’s a crash, lights turn to blue to suggest darkness)

SCARECROW
Hey, what happened to the lights?

__________________________________________________

The power in the whole block’s been wiped out!

SWEET TOOTH
Wait! Batman’s got a plane? Where’d he get a plane?
(Small lights appear on stage)
Hey, what are these little d
ots?

SCARECROW
Ah, we’re being shot at with some kind of rubber bullets!

The wounds aren’t lethal but they are crippling!

SWEET TOOTH
Sherlock shoot down that plane!

( waving heat ray around)
I haven’t a clue what to do!

SOURPATCH 1 (GOB):
I can’t see nothin!

SWEET TOOTH
Do it, you dum dums! I’m taking Robin.
( SWEET TOOTH grabs ROBIN and hurries offstage)

SCARECROW
Take it down. Take down that plane!

Ahh! The bullets keep ricocheting off! They hit me in the knees! Ah, oh no! I’ll never be
able to walk Evil Watson down the aisle!

SOURPATCH 2 (JOE)
Our weapons are worthless! AH! He’s shooting missiles at us!

SCARECROW
My ribs!

SOURPATCH 1 (GOB):
My spine!

__________________________________________________

My tibia!
(shouts of pain and distress from the villains)

CANDY
(enter BATMAN)
Aw fudge, it’s Batman!

CATWOMAN
Run for your nine lives!
(CATWOMAN runs away with CANDY and JOE)

BATMAN
Come back! Come back you insects, I’m not done with you yet!
( BATMAN punches GOB, then SCARECROW)
You thought that a barricade could stop me?
( punches and kicks EVIL SHERLOCK HOLMES)
Think again! I’m the goddamn Batman!
( HOSTAGE stumbles in, coughing)
You! Where’s Sweet Tooth?!

HOSTAGE
He went that way! Into the famous fun-house candy factory of Gotham.
( chokes and coughs more)

BATMAN
Into the candy factory… how predictable. You’re getting stale Sweet Tooth.

HOSTAGE
Batman! Please don’t hurt me, because I’m one of the hostages—
( BATMAN punches her offstage)
Oh god!

SUPERMAN
That’s enough!
( SUPERMAN enters, floating and carried by SUPERMAN CARRIER)

BATMAN
You!

SUPERMAN
The national guard will take it from here, Batman.

__________________________________________________
BATMAN
Like hell they will! I’m saving Robin. And when I find Sweet Tooth, I’ll be the one to
take him down!

SUPERMAN
The authorities can handle Sweet Tooth. Who I’m here for, is you!

BATMAN
What?

SUPERMAN
I’ve been ordered by the President of the United States to place you under arrest, ever
heard of him?

BATMAN
Ugh, yeah!

SUPERMAN
It ends tonight, Batman! Or should I say, Butt man!

BATMAN
( excessively long high-pitched screaming)
You’re in my way! Now get out of it, or I’m going through you!

SUPERMAN
Ha, you wanna fight me? Well I can’t say that I won’t enjoy this! Looks like we can
finally see which one of us deserves those Twitter followers!

#8 - To Be A Man___________________________________________________..

SUPERMAN
I AM A MAN OF JUSTICE
I AM A MAN OF MIGHT

BATMAN
I AM A MAN OF VENGEANCE
I AM A MAN OF THE NIGHT

YOU'RE SUCH A SYCOPHANTIC SUCK UP
HOW CAN YOU CALL YOURSELF A MAN?
YOU SAY YOU FIGHT FOR TRUTH AND JUSTICE?
I SAY YOU'RE WORKING FOR THE MAN, MAN!

__________________________________________________
SUPERMAN
YOU LINE YOUR MASK WITH LEAD
BUT I CAN SEE INTO YOUR SOUL
I SEE A SCARED LITTLE BOY

BATMAN
Wait, what?

SUPERMAN
BEHIND THE CAPE AND THE COWL

CHORUS
I HATE YOU!

BATMAN
I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS

CHORUS
SCREW YOU!

SUPERMAN
I'M TAKING YOU DOWN

CHORUS
SCREW YOU!

SUPERMAN
YOU WANT TO BE THE MAN
YOU'VE GOT TO BEAT THE MAN
I'M GONNA SHOW YOU
WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A MAN, MAN!

BATMAN
I'VE LEARNED A LOT ABOUT LIFE
SINCE I GOT MYSELF A BRO

SUPERMAN
YOU MEAN YOUR TINY LITTLE SIDEKICK?
YOU GUYS ARE SO ADORABLE

BATMAN
YOU'RE ONLY JEALOUS MAN

__________________________________________________
BATMAN
IT'S SO OBVIOUS, SO CLEAR

SUPERMAN
COME ON… ME WITH A SIDEKICK?

BATMAN
That’s right.
I'VE GOT ONE FOR YOU, RIGHT HERE!
( kicks SUPERMAN’s side)

CHORUS
I HATE YOU!

SUPERMAN

CHORUS
SCREW YOU!

BATMAN
I'M TAKING YOU DOWN

CHORUS
SCREW YOU!

SUPERMAN
I'M GONNA SHOW YOU
( dance/fight break)

ALL OF YOUR TOYS AMUSE ME
THE BOAT, THE BATMOBILE, THE BIKE, THE PLANE
BUT YOU CAN'T GRAPPLING HOOK ME
CAN'T HIT ME WITH YOUR BOOMERANG, NAW!

BATMAN
YOU LOOK COOL IN YOUR TIGHTS

SUPERMAN
Thanks...

__________________________________________________
BATMAN
FOR AN ALIEN THOT

SUPERMAN
What?!

BATMAN
HOW BOUT SOME KRYPTONITE TONIGHT
I'M COMING IN HOT

SUPERMAN
Screw you!

CHORUS
SCREW YOU!

SUPERMAN

CHORUS
I HATE YOU!

BATMAN
I'M TAKING YOU DOWN

CHORUS
SCREW YOU!

BATMAN
I'M GONNA SHOW YOU
( dance/fight break, with kryptonite this time)

CHORUS
SCREW YOU!

Scene 11

( SWEET TOOTH giggling; BATMAN grunting from the fight)

__________________________________________________
BATMAN
Sweet Tooth! Show yourself!

SWEET TOOTH
Mama always said life was like a box a chocolates.
(appears, holding gun)
So tell me, Batman, why aren’t you eating?
( BATMAN attacks SWEET TOOTH with a bat boomerang)
How did you-oh, my god!
( runs offstage)

BATMAN
I’m coming for you, Sweet Tooth!
( chases after him)

SWEET TOOTH
(holding ROBIN, giggling)
I’ve never run so fast in my life! I’m gonna cry. Ah, hold it right there, Batman! One
more step and the Boy Plunder takes a dive right into that vat of boiling hot chocolate!
(ROBIN gasps)
BATMAN
Sweet Tooth, put Robin down! Don’t throw him into t hat vat of boiling hot chocolate!
This is between you and me!

SWEET TOOTH
You’re right, Batman. This is between you and me. It always has been. I’ll let Robin go.
Oops!
(drops ROBIN into the vat of boiling hot chocolate)
Butterfingers!

BATMAN
(ROBIN falling and yelling in semi-slow motion)
Roooobin!

ROBIN
Batman! I’m falling into that vat of melted hot chocolate! Oh no!

BATMAN
Grayson dive!
( dives to save ROBIN and misses)

__________________________________________________
ROBIN
Oh no! I’m done for!
( BATMAN dives again, this time catching ROBIN and moving him to safety. Then he goes to attack
SWEET TOOTH)

SWEET TOOTH
Now he’s red hot! Hey, what’s that?
( BATMAN looks the other way; SWEET TOOTH stabs BATMAN. Then they fight. Punches turn into a
slap fight)
Oh, you’re not coming any closer! C’mon! C’mon!

BATMAN
I’m gonna crunch you in two!

SWEET TOOTH
C’mon Batman, gimme a break!

BATMAN
I’ll give you a break!
( BATMAN knees him, he falls to the ground)

SWEET TOOTH
What are you gonna do, kill me? Do it, Batman. See if the snozzberries taste like
snozzberries.

BATMAN
Ah! No, I won’t kill you. But I don’t have to save you… from that vat of boiling hot
chocolate!

SWEET TOOTH
Which one?
( BATMAN pushes him in)
Oh no! I’m falling into t hat vat of boiling hot chocolate! Oh, I’ve got one last treat for
you Batman. And it’s a real W hopper! Computer, deploy the warhead, please.

VOICE MACHINE ACTOR
Warhead deployed. Water supply contamination initiating in 10 seconds.

BATMAN
C’mon Robin, we’re getting out of here!

COMMISSIONER GORDON
Well, it’s a good thing Batman broke through that barricade!

__________________________________________________
ROBIN
Oh, Batman, what’s happening? Where are we going?

BATMAN
We’re going to the Batplane, and then far far away from here!

ROBIN
But what about Gotham?

BATMAN
Forget Gotham Robin!

VOICE MACHINE ACTOR
Water supply contamination in 5 seconds.

ROBIN
What?

COMMISSIONER GORDON
Because for a minute there, I was worried, but it looks like everything’s taken care of.

ROBIN
Forget Gotham? No, I can’t do that. We have to do something. We have to save the
citizens.

BATMAN
Robin, you don’t understand. Those citizens. They voted to kill you, to save
themselves. They’re murderers!

ROBIN
I refuse to believe that!

VOICE MACHINE ACTOR
Water supply contaminated.

COMMISSIONER GORDON
Let’s celebrate with my favourite pastime, water shots!

O’REILLY
Water shots! Hurray!
( dancing around in celebration)

__________________________________________________
COMMISSIONER GORDON
Straight from the faucet! Okay, here I go! Yummy, yummy!
( drinks water and begins to shake)

O’REILLY
Commissioner? Commissioner? What’s wrong? Is it the water? I know! I’ll check as
well!
( drinks and begins to shake)
Oh, it was the water!
( they both collapse)

BATMAN
It’s too late, Robin. Get to the Batplane! We’ve got to get out of Gotham before we get
thirsty.

ROBIN
Batman, look!
( he shows him his phone)

BATMAN
What?

ROBIN
I pulled up the results of that Twitter poll on my iPhone. See for yourself.

BATMAN
Votes are unanimous. People of Gotham have chosen...

PIZZA 1
You know, I may think that Robin sucks, but if Batman likes him, then I’m gonna help
him out.

CONSTRUCTION WORKER
Batman saved my life and if paying him back means imploding my own head, then hell
yeah!

SHOPKEEPER
You can’t kill someone to save your own hide. Batman taught me that.

PIZZA 1
What’s so bad about Robin anyway? He’s just trying to stand up for something.

__________________________________________________
CONSTRUCTION WORKER
Yeah, he’s just a little kid like you and me.

PIZZA 1
No older than my son’s age.

SHOPKEEPER
You mess with one of us, you mess with all of us.

BATMAN
They chose the warhead. Those wretched, pinhead puppets of Gotham, I love them.

ROBIN
You see, Batman, Gotham is worth saving. This city just showed you that it’s full of
people ready to believe in good.

BATMAN
You’re right, Robin. Gotham has taught me that it’s full of people who really believe in
good. But it’s too late. It’s too late, Robin, what have I done?

ROBIN
It may be too late for us, but if you can put aside your foolish pride, there is someone
who could help us.

BATMAN
Who?

Scene 12

SUPERMAN
( SUPERMAN’s classic ringtone. SUPERMAN wakes up from where he was left knocked out)
H-hello?

BATMAN
Hi, Superman. It’s… Batman.

SUPERMAN
Hold on. This is one of Superman’s friends.

BATMAN
Oh.

__________________________________________________
SUPERMAN
I’ll get Superman for you.

BATMAN
Oh thanks.

SUPERMAN
What do you want?! This is Superman!

BATMAN
Superman… I need a super-favor. Gotham city is done for. People’s heads are
imploding all over the place. It’s all my fault. I need you to save the city.

SUPERMAN
Yeah, what am I supposed to do about it?

BATMAN
Well, I don’t know. But you can do something. You’re the only one who’s… powerful
enough...

SUPERMAN
Yeah? What does that even matter? Everyone still likes you more than me. So why
should I help you? You beat me up and you yelled at me! You’ve made this bed,
Batman, and now you’ve got to sleep in it.

BATMAN
Wow, he’s really pissed.

ROBIN
Keep going!

BATMAN
Look, Clark. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, okay? I… I forgot what it means to be a superhero.
But we’re not that different... you… me… at our hearts. Really, all superheroes are
pretty much the same. We’re all just orphans! I’m an orphan… you’re an orphan…
Robin’s an orphan…

SUPERMAN
(sniffles)
… Spiderman’s an orphan.

__________________________________________________
BATMAN
Yeah! Spiderman’s an orphan, so is Iron Man, and Cyclops, and Wolverine, and all the
X-Men! Listen, the point is that something bad happened to us once, when we were
young, so we dedicated our whole lives to doing a little bit of good. That’s why we got
into this crazy superhero business. Not to be the most popular, or even the most
powerful... Because if that were the case, hell, you’d have us all put out of a job! You
can fly! You can crush things with your bare hands! You’ve got x-ray vision, you can
see through people’s clothes!
(wink wink)
You know, Clark, I think that maybe the reason I was such an asshole to you...
(getting choked up)
I think you’re cool, man.

SUPERMAN
(kind of crying too)
I think you’re cool too!

BATMAN
Then why the damn hell aren’t we friends?

SUPERMAN
I don’t know!

BATMAN
I don’t know either! We probably should be friends.

SUPERMAN
Maybe we can hang out in your cave sometime?

BATMAN
Yeah maybe... Or maybe we can hang out in your ice fortress, in Antarctica, ugh that is
cool! And you’ve got Krypto the superdog, he’s cool! Dogs are cool.

SUPERMAN
Ugh, some people think Krypto’s stupid!

BATMAN
Forget them. You know what, some people think Robin’s stupid, but that’s only
because they’re pretentious buttheads! Because, literally, the only difference between
me and Robin is our costumes! Robin’s cool… Krypto’s cool… Antman is cool, the Atom
is cool… Plasticman? Ugh! Gloves, capes, masks! Ugh! Superheroes are cool man;
helping people is cool. And you? You’re goddamn great at helping people. So come on.
There’s an entire city full of people RIGHT NOW that needs your help. So where is that

__________________________________________________
man, Clark? Where’s that man who can jump over a building? Where’s that man that is
more powerful than a locomotive? Where is that man that’s faster than a gun? Where
is that superman?

SUPERMAN
I’m right here! I know what I have to do. I’m gonna have to fly faster than I’ve ever
flown before. Batman, I’ll see you on the other side.

BATMAN + ROBIN
Thank you, Superman!
(SUPERMAN blasts off carried by SUPERMAN CARRIER)

SUPERMAN
Aw—I made it to space! Well, here goes nothing!
(SUPERMAN flies around EARTH until it starts spinning the opposite direction. COMMISSIONER
GORDON and O’REILLY come back to life backwards, BATMAN and SWEET TOOTH’s fight happens
backwards. SUPERMAN lands in the middle of the fight)

SWEET TOOTH
I’ve got one last treat for you Batman. And it’s a real Whopper! Computer, deploy the
warhead, please.

VOICE MACHINE ACTOR
Warhead deployed. Water supply contamination initiating in 10 seconds.

SUPERMAN
Take this rogue warhead-carrying robot!
(punches it and takes warhead)
Son of a gun, what do I do with a warhead?! SON of a gun… that’s it! Back to outer
space!
(flies past planets)

EARTH
Well, goodbye!

SUPERMAN
Goodbye Earth!

VENUS
Good luck Superman!

SUPERMAN
Thanks Venus.

__________________________________________________
MERCURY
Hey, it’s Captain Marvel!

SUPERMAN
It’s... SUPERMAN!
(flies warhead into the SUN. SUN screams. Everything goes dark)

BATMAN + ROBIN
(in same position they were in when they hung up on SUPERMAN)
Thank you, Superman!
(SUPERMAN flies in)

BATMAN + ROBIN
Superman!

SUPERMAN
(tired, sputtering a little)
I did it!

BATMAN
What?!

ROBIN
How?!

SUPERMAN
I flew around the world until I went back in time,
(sounds of disbelief from BATMAN and ROBIN)
I grabbed the warhead, and threw it into the sun! And that’s why they call me
Superman!

BATMAN
Wow, that’s amazing!

SUPERMAN
Yeah, it’s a pretty neat trick. Too bad I can only use it once… Bruce.
(ROBIN gasps)

BATMAN
Hey, how’d you know my secret identity?!

SUPERMAN
I just followed you home after the first day we met.

__________________________________________________
BATMAN
Well, there ya go!
(they all laugh like bros)

COMMISSIONER GORDON
(entering with citizens)
Hey everybody, look, it’s Batman! He saved the city again!
(citizens celebrate)

BATMAN
Now calm down, I didn’t save Gotham. In fact, I nearly led you all to your doom! I
saved my friend. But it was Superman, he’s the one who saved Gotham City, he’s the
real hero today!

PIZZA 1
Well, Batman’s just being modest. Let’s hear it for that other guy!

SHOPKEEPER
Three cheers for Captain Marvel!

SUPERMAN
Guys, stop, I’m not used to this attention!

COMMISSIONER GORDON
Alright, bye!
(everyone shrugs and leaves)

BATMAN
Yanno, Clark, we should work together more often! God, that’d be cool, imagine it!
You, me, Robin, a couple of other cool guys? We’d be just like a league…. For justice!

SUPERMAN
Yeah, I like that! But what would we call ourselves? What do you call a league for
justice anyway?

BATMAN
Hmm..

ROBIN
I have the perfect name! The Super Friends.

BATMAN
Yeah! The Super Friends!

__________________________________________________
SUPERMAN
That’s great, I gotta tweet that. Where’s my phone?
(BATMAN pulls it out of his belt)

SPIDERMAN
Hey guys, got room for one more?

BATMAN + ROBIN + SUPERMAN
Spiderman!?!!
( SPIDERMAN does a really bad somersault)

SUPERMAN
Wow, he’s agile as hell!

BATMAN
He sure is!

BATMAN + ROBIN + SUPERMAN
Help him up, help him up! Help him up, help him up!

ROBIN
Spiderman, you want to join the Super Friends?!

SPIDERMAN
That’s right!
( they all get excited)

BATMAN
Hey, maybe now we can fight some of your villains for a change!
SPIDERMAN
Yeah! Not a lot of people know it, but my villains are actually pretty cool!
( enter MR. MXYZPTLK)

MR. MXYZPTLK
( evil laughing)
Now, the world shall tremble before the might of Mr. Mxyzptlk!

SPIDERMAN
( pulls down mask, revealing ALRED’s face)
Here we go again!

__________________________________________________
ALL SUPERHEROES
Yeah!
( All superheroes punch MR. MXYZPTLK, he falls offstage)

GREEN LANTERN
(enter GREEN LANTERN)
Hey guys! What’d I miss?!

ALL SUPERHEROES
( cheering)
Yeah! The Green Lantern! Nice! This guy! Now we’re talking! etc.

#9 - Super Friends ________________________________________________..

BATMAN
IT SEEMS SO FUNNY AS I LOOK BACK
ON THE FOLLY OF MY WAYS
I CLIMBED AS HIGH AS
ONE CAN CLIMB ON THEIR OWN

I SCALED THE HIGHEST MOUNTAIN
DID A PIROUETTE AT THE TIPPITY TOP
AND WHEN YOU

ALL
GOTTA GET DOWN, GOTTA GET DOWN, GOTTA GET DOWN
YOU NEED SOMEONE TO COUNT ON

GREEN LANTERN
SOME MARK THEIR FRIENDSHIP
WITH BRACELETS AND LOCKETS

SUPERMAN
SOME MEASURE THEIR FRIENDSHIP
WITH SILVER AND GOLD

SPIDERMAN
SOME MARK THEIR FRIENDSHIP
WITH MATCHING TATTOOS

__________________________________________________
ALL
WE FORGE OUR FRIENDSHIP
BY SAVING THE WORLD!

I WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND FOREVER

ROBIN
I WANT TO BE A MODERN DANCER

ALL
WHAT A SUPER WEIRD THING TO SAY
THAT CAME OUT OF NOWHERE


ROBIN
PASS ME THE CUP OF KINSHIP

SUPERMAN
MEET ME AT MY PLACE
THE FORTRESS OF FRIENDSHIP!

ALL

ROBIN
I WANT TO SEE THE EIFFEL TOWER

ALL
WITH THE POWER OF A SUPER FRIEND
YOU'RE NEVER ALONE


ROBIN
I WANT TO PLAY NINTENDO

ALL
WHO NEEDS NINTENDO
WHEN YOU'VE GOT A FRIEND? OH!

__________________________________________________
BATMAN SOLOIST
LIKE A BAT IN THE SUN
I'M LOSING MY GUANO AH
I'VE ONLY KNOWN DARKNESS
ALL MY DAYS AH AH AH

ALL
DUDE IT'S COOL, IT'S CHILL
WE'RE TOTALLY HERE FOR YOU

BATMAN OTHER HEROES
WILL THERE STILL BE SCARY LA LA LA LA LA LA
TIMES?

HAWKMAN
Yeah.

BATMAN OTHER HEROES
AND SAD TIMES? LA LA LA LA LA LA

HAWKMAN
Sure!

BATMAN
Then what?

ROBIN
THEN THERE'S TEQUILA TIMES

GREEN LANTERN
I'VE GOT THE LIMES...

ALL

ROBIN
I WANT TO MEET THE DALAI LAMA

__________________________________________________
ALL
WITH THE POWER OF A SUPER FRIEND
YOU'RE NEVER ALONE


ROBIN
I WANT TO LEARN TO PLAY THE BANJO

ALL
WHO NEEDS A BANJO
WHEN YOU'VE GOT A MAN SHOW?
(all Superheroes join in)


BATMAN
FINALLY, I FOUND A FRIEND
I FINALLY I FOUND A FRIEND

BATMAN + ROBIN
I FINALLY I FOUND A FRIEND GROUP 1
SUPERFRIEND

SUPERFRIEND

SUPERFRIEND

__________________________________________________
BATMAN + ROBIN GROUP 1 GROUP 2

FINALLY, I FOUND A SUPER FRIENDS
FRIEND SUPER
I FINALLY I FOUND A DUPER
FRIEND FRIENDS
SUPERFRIEND

SUPER FRIENDS
FINALLY, I FOUND A
SUPER
FRIEND DUPER
I FINALLY I FOUND A FRIENDS
FRIEND
SUPERFRIEND
FRIEND SUPER
FRIENDS
FRIEND
SUPERFRIEND

FRIEND SUPER
FRIEND FRIENDS

GREEN LANTERN CHORUS
ONE MAN, MANY FRIENDS OOH
GOING DOWN A ROAD THAT NEVER OOH
ENDS OOH
OOH OOH OH
OOH
SUPER FRIENDS, SUPER BROS
OOH
SUPER HEARTS WITH SUPER SOULS

__________________________________________________
LEADS
WE'RE LIKE LONG LOST
BROTHERS
WHO'VE FOUND EACH

OTHER

AND LOVE EACH OTHER
GROUP 1
LIKE FAMILY HOLY MUSICAL

BROTHERS
WHO'VE FOUND EACH NO MORE DARK SAD
OTHER LONELY KNIGHTS
AND LOVE EACH OTHER
GROUP 2
LIKE FAMILY
HOLY MUSICAL ROGUES ARE WE

BROTHERS
AND LOVE EACH OTHER
LIKE FAMILY HOLY MUSICAL
ROGUES ARE WE


BROTHERS

AND LOVE EACH OTHER
LIKE FAMILY HOLY MUSICAL ROGUES ARE WE

NO MORE DARK SAD
LONELY

ALL
BATMAN!

THE END

Holy Musical B@Man Script

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HOLY MUSICAL B@MAN 1

BOOK AND MUSIC BY MATT LANG, NICK LANG,

After their recent run-in, the Joker was

AND INSULATE YOU FROM ANY OUTSIDE SOURCE OF FRIGHT.

SOMEBODY TO RIDE IN THE COCKPIT

BATMAN GREEN LANTERN AND

ANYBODY BUT A BA BA BA, BA BA BA.

BATMAN GREEN LANTERN

SOMEBODY WHO CAN BE MY BUDDY BACK.

Not too much! Were you just talking to Batman?

FOUR THOUSAND HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE

LOOK NO FURTHER THAN HERE

ROGUES ARE WE!

Sweet Tooth, and as you can see I’m a lot tastier.

How many licks does it take… to kill you?

VILLAINS GROUP 1 VILLAINS GROUP 2 POISON IVY

(the scene begins with BATMAN typing)

I never left. I’ve always been right here.

EVIL SHERLOCK HOLMES

EVIL SHERLOCK HOLMES

BATMAN + ROBIN GROUP 1 GROUP 2

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Holy Musical B@Man Script

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HOLY MUSICAL B@MAN 1

BOOK AND MUSIC BY MATT LANG, NICK LANG,

After their recent run-in, the Joker was

AND INSULATE YOU FROM ANY OUTSIDE SOURCE OF FRIGHT.

SOMEBODY TO RIDE IN THE COCKPIT

BATMAN GREEN LANTERN AND

ANYBODY BUT A BA BA BA, BA BA BA.

BATMAN GREEN LANTERN

SOMEBODY WHO CAN BE MY BUDDY BACK.

Not too much! Were you just talking to Batman?

FOUR THOUSAND HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE

LOOK NO FURTHER THAN HERE

ROGUES ARE WE!

Sweet Tooth, and as you can see I’m a lot tastier.

How many licks does it take… to kill you?

VILLAINS GROUP 1 VILLAINS GROUP 2 POISON IVY

​(the scene begins with BATMAN typing)

I never left. I’ve always been right here.

EVIL SHERLOCK HOLMES

EVIL SHERLOCK HOLMES

BATMAN + ROBIN GROUP 1 GROUP 2

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(the scene begins with BATMAN typing)