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Madeline Betts

April 23,2020

Mrs. Gatfield

research paper

What are some main key skills that are crucial to have in a successful marriage?

Have you ever thought about getting married? Sharing your life with the love of your life,

your best friend? Everybody has that desire to share their life with someone that they trust, the

love, and have a future with them. It just seems so easy to meet the love of your life and share

your life with them. It looks like a piece of cake. It's easy to get married, and it could last a

decent amount of time, but if you don't actually put the work into the marriage, your marriage

won't have a chance of surviving. So what does it actually take to have a successful marriage?

Nowadays, marriage is just as common as divorce. Most parents have already had at least one

divorce in their past.. Why is that? What is causing all these divorces? Don't you think people

would value and protect the ones they love the most pop and do whatever they can to keep it

100%? Most people think it's easy to get married and nothing changes, that is wrong. Everything

changes and it takes a lot more work to keep it going correctly. You actually have to work for it.

You have to develop some skills that will help both your personal growth and your marriage

growth and be stable. But what are those skills? Not just any skill will help your marriage

survive, it actually takes specific skills that you have to keep working and applying to your life

and your marriage; those skills are trust, faith, vulnerability, boundaries and communication.

Marriage can go multiple ways, it just depends on the relationship between the two. A

marriage takes a lot of hard work from both sides. It will never work out if only one side puts on
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all the work. That will lead to a divorce. Do you know how common divorces are becoming

nowadays? Almost everyone has at least one divorce within the family. We all know someone

who has had a divorce before, for example, maybe your neighbors, your best friends or maybe

even one of your family members have had a divorce before. The divorce rate is a lot higher than

most think it is. Divorce is a lot more common in millennials and Gen X generations. “ In

Western cultures, more than 90 percent of people marry by age 50. Healthy marriages are good

for couples’ mental and physical health…. However, about 40 to 50 percent of married couples

in the United States divorce. The divorce rate for subsequent marriages is even higher.”

(https://www.apa.org/topics/divorce/). Here it shows that about 45% (give or take) marriages end

up in divorce. It has gone up exponentially over the past decades. Why is this? Why hasn't

anybody thought about working on decreasing this percentage? The reason is because it's a

harder question than it looks like up front. It takes conscious effort to actually make a change

within a relationship, nevertheless have a successful marriage. It takes a bunch of skills from

within the individuals to actually make a difference. But does religion change that divorce rate?

Does being a part of a religion lower the percentage of divorce?

“There are all sorts of religion; Christian, mormen, hinduism, islam etc. but about 75% of

people who are apart of a religion, are christian.”

(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christianity_in_the_United_States) That's a huge

percentage compared to other religions. Being a part of a church, teaches you some fundamentals

on how to build healthy and successful relationships with anyone you meet. The church wants to

help the people and guide them to success so they teach what is successful and that works! But

not everyone follows through on what they say they were going to do, or change or work on.

Some people never get out of their comfort zones, and that's okay but to a point because then you
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will never grow. By being in the church, and following through, and applying the skills it teaches

to your life, does that lower the divorce rate? Does being a part of a religion that actually helps

and wants you to grow, decrease the divorce rate IF the people follow through and apply the

skills that are being taught? We don't have control over people, but by being a part of

christianity, the divorce rate is a little lower, but those who apply the skills that the church is

teaching them, they are the relationships and marriages that are staying together through thick

and thin.

“Professor Bradley Wright, a sociologist at the University of Connecticut, explains from

his analysis of people who identify as Christians but rarely attend church, that 60 percent

of these have been divorced. Of those who attend church regularly, 38 percent have been

divorced.[1] Other data from additional sociologists of family and religion suggest a

substantial marital stability divide between those who take their faith seriously and those

who do not”

(https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/factchecker-divorce-rate-among-christians/).

Here it shows the percentage of divorce for people who don't attend church regularly and the

percentage of people who do attend church regularly. 60% and 38% is a big difference. Almost

half. How come nobody ever thought about why the divorce rates between the two are so

different and point out to the public that there is a possibility to save your marriage if you put

hard work into it so you and your kids don't have developed problems by going into a divorce.

Towards the bottom of the quote is says “ additional sociologists of family and religion suggest a

substantial marital stability divided between those who take their faith seriously and those who

do not.”. It shows that marriages that are strong about their faith and attend regularly, have a

better connection with one another, are trustworthy and vulnerable because of the quality time
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they get every sunday by connecting with one another. To have a successful marriage, you have

to be willing to have faith in one another. That doesn't mean you have to go to church to have

faith, faith has all different reasons. By building a connection with your spouse, and having faith

with one another, you tend to be stronger together and last longer. Maybe it'll work out, maybe it

won't, that's only if you apply this one skill. There are other skills that you have to work on in

order to have a strong, lasting, successful marriage.

We have all had arguments that soon were figured out that it was just a

miscommunication. It's normal to have some miscommunication, but it can't happen all the time

or that breaks the other person as times goes on. Communication is one of the most important

skills to have because that's where we share our thoughts, emotions, past, present and future

ideas. This skill is the one we get to know each other and become vulnerable with one another

and have trust with them. If you don't have great communication skills, that could cause more

arguments and frustration, feeling of being lost and confused, being hurt because you feel like

you aren't being heard etc. all these examples are cases of relationships that don't have any

communication skills at all. The worst of the worst. Communication skills is just like any other

skill, you have to keep working on it in order for it to start to impact and change you to become a

better person. To have a successful marriage, you have to have communication with one another.

There's not an alternative, you have to have communication. You have to keep working on it

with one another so both of you can grow together. “ marital therapists frequently see that

exercising communication skills, particularly in conflict situations, can be quite difficult,

requiring personal strengths such as self‐restraint, courage, generosity, justice, and good

judgment. These personal strengths are virtues that are presupposed in communication skills and

are necessary for their successful use.” (Crossref). In the quote that was just presented, it shows
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that you have to work on communication. Both during the easy times and difficult times. You

have to work on communication in both areas. If you don't work on communication in the

difficult times, then the easy times won't be that easy. Yes It is a challenge to work on

communication when you are arguing with your spouse,but you have to overcome that.

Everytime you work on communication skills,the easier it'll be during those challenging times.

Each time you argue, it'll become easier to say what you actually need to say without blowing

up. That's the key is to not blow up during an argument, that'll make it 10X worse. If you start

working on this communication skill, ten years down the road, you will thank yourself that you

started working on communication and that it possibly could have saved your marriage life.

Boundaries are a very important thing to have with any relationship. Either that's with

your siblings, best friend, parents and/or your spouse. If you don't have boundaries with these

relationships, you will start to feel used, anxious, won't be able to say no, can't stand up for

yourself etc. by not having boundaries, creates some big mental blockages that are very hard to

get over. It takes time to break down those walls and stand up for yourself. We all don't want to

be used at any point in our lives. That's why boundaries with your spouse is a major skill to have

in order for each side to respect each other's limits and how much happiness there will be. By

having boundaries with your spouse, you know when their limit is. We have to know our spouses

boundaries in order to respect them. We don't want to seem over controlling or over powering.

We have to be vulnerable for a few minutes with our spouses in order to say what we want to set

boundaries on. We need to listen and follow those boundaries that our spouses are wanting to put

because that'll show that we are respecting them. Down below is a quote within the book called

Boundaries in Marriage by Henry CLoud and John Townsend. This book talks specifically about

how to respect and set boundaries with your spouse and have a better relationship with them. “ A
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relationship like marriage requires each partner to have a sense of ownership of himself or

herself.” (page 18) Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. Here it shows

that we have to have a sense of ownership. We have to have respect for ourselves, confidence in

what we are doing in life, and respect for ourselves. If we are lacking in any of these, there are

more examples, we will have a harder time being committed to our relationships and setting

boundaries. If we can't set boundaries with ourselves, how can we set boundaries with your

spouse or anybody else? We have to be willing to break out of our comfort zones to set

boundaries and stand up for yourself. Every relationship will benefit from it. If you are scared

that your “friend” will leave, then they are not really your true friends because they can't handle

your boundaries. Your marriage will benefit from this too because in order to respect your

spouse, you have to already be respecting yourself and loving yourself. Marriage isn't a one way

road, it's a two way road. Both sides have to be willing and working in order to have a better and

possibly a successful marriage if they are committed enough.

We have all heard of vulnerability. She was not a good friend at first, but in the end you

thank her for everything that she has done because you wouldn’t be in the place you are today if

she wasn’t here. Vulnerability is one of those things that we personally have to accomplish. We

have to be willing to break out of our comfort zones and be out in the open by ourselves, we

have to be true ourselves and be true to others. We can’t hide all the time, the truth will come out

eventually. This applies to marriages as well. If you aren’t vulnerable and open with our spouse,

can you actually build a relationship on that? It’s almost impossible. Marriages have to be like an

open book to the couple. The outside world doesn’t have to know what is going on but each

spouse needs to know how one another is feeling and what is going on inside and outside. You

have to be transparent with each other in Order to build a relationship, a future. One book that
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covers this topic is the book called Get Married, Stay Married by Pual and Billie Kaye Tsika.

Paul and Billie have been married for many decades to this day, and they show that marriage

isn’t as simple as most people think it is. It takes hard work from each side. It can’t be one or

another. But one thing that they focus on is vulnerability within the marriage.

“ In all of that time, we have learned a simple truth -- in marriage, the heart of the

problem is the problem of the heart. In other words, when you can deal honestly and

openly with the issues of your own heart, there are virtually no obstacles you can't

overcome in your marriage.” (page 17) Get Married, Stay Married by Pual and Billie

Kaye Tsika.

This is an excellent quote to show how powerful vulnerability is within the marriage. The part of

the quote that says “when you can deal honestly and openly with the issues of your own heart,

there are virtually no obstacles you can’t overcome in your marriage”. This one is very important

because if you can’t be open with your heart, it’ll be 10X harder to overcome battles that you and

your spouse confront. Even the little conflicts will seem like the end of the world because you

won’t step outside of your comfort zone and be vulnerable with your spouse. In order to make

your marriage work, nevertheless have a successful one, you have to be willing to be vulnerable

and let someone in to help you out with your gremlins in your head. Vulnerability builds respect,

connection, trust, deeper levels of love etc, these are what define the relationship, the connection

you and your spouse have with each other. You have to be willing to let your guard down and be

100% true to yourself and your spouse if you want this marriage to work. There’s another book

that shows how important vulnerability is, the book is called Daring Greatly by Brene Brown.

Her books are amazing. So much wisdom and facts within her books that make you rethink how

you are opening up to people. Vulnerability doesn’t happen without having a strong trust with
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the person you are wanting to become vulnerable with. It takes courage to be fully vulnerable.

I'm with somebody, nevertheless being vulnerable with your spouse. “ Love is uncertain. It's

incredibly risky. And loving someone leaves us emotionally exposed. Yes, it's scary and yes,

we’re open to being hurt, but can you imagine your life without loving or being loved?” (page

34). Daring greatly by Brene Brown. This quote hits pretty hard if you really look into it.

Vulnerability is Risky, just like love. We don’t know how we will be treated in 2 or 5 years

down the road. It’s like playing in the dark, you don’t know where you are going but it feels like

it’s the right place you are supposed to be at. Love is very uncertain. You might be over the top

for the person you love, but that person doesn’t feel the same. This is the same thing with

vulnerability, we are being emotionally exposed when we become vulnerable. Anything could

happen to us. We could get hurt, angry, happy, heart broken etc. anything could happen to you

while you are being vulnerable with someone. This applies with your spouse. Being vulnerable

with your spouse can sometimes be uncertain at times too. You aren’t sure if you are ready to

share a certain part about yourself to your spouse, or you are scared about what they might say or

think about you after you share what has been bothering you for a while. You don’t want to seem

clingy or someone looking for attention. Your spouse should be willing to listen to you and take

in whatever you are feeling and be there for you, Talk you through it,help you, not attack you.

That’s the same for both sides. Vulnerability is huge for a marriage to keep moving forward and

building a strong foundation. If you aren’t vulnerable with your spouse, You will hit a dead end

and will sooner or later hit a wall, if you are not careful with your words and actions.

Trust is a very tricky skill to develop. We have to break old bad habits. Which is challenging.

You have to be committed to break the habit and not slip. It takes 21 days to break a habit and 90

days to make it into a lifestyle. You have to follow through on what you say you are going to do.
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Most people don’t have accountability, that’s why when you see them, they are still the same

person as they were before because they never followed through on what they said they would

do. Trust is also a major skill to have in a marriage. You have to trust one another In order to

build a strong foundation. A foundation is needed to keep the structure stable, so it can stand nice

and tall without worrying about breaking. That’s the same with a marriage. You want your

foundation to be sturdy and safe, so it can grow taller and stronger as time goes on. But why

don’t most marriages have a stronger foundation with trust? It’s because people are not willing to

hear the truth or be truthful to their spouse. They don’t want to admit their mistakes or past

failures, this is a different team form of vulnerability. “ you can not have a healthy relationship

when one partner is living a lie…. Say what you mean and mean what you say. If you examine

relationships that are flourishing, you will find that straight, honest talk is the bedrock of the

relationship.” (page 49). The Overcomers Edge by Paul Tsika. Here, Paul tsika is telling us that

the foundation of a true relationship is trust. You need trust within the relationship in order for it

to last. Within the marriage, you have to have honest trust and honest conversations. Honesty is

the best policy. That saying can be used for multiple different reasons and relationships within

every single relationship that we encounter. Every day. Honesty and trust are almost like best

friends. If you can’t be fully honest with yourself, then you can’t 100% trust yourself. Same goes

with relationships. to be trustworthy it takes a lot of work because it’s not an easy task. It takes

time to build that trust up with your spouse. It doesn’t just happen overnight. It takes practice,

trial and error, just pushing through the hard times and focusing on the goal, which is a

successful marriage with the foundation of trust.

Marriage is a little more difficult than thought in the beginning. It takes hard work, lots and lots

of practice, trial and error etc. nothing gets better over night, nevertheless have a successful
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marriage when you wake up. Life doesn’t work like that. Life requires actual work to get better.

Same with marriage. You can start out happy and satisfied that this person is the love of your life

and nothing will change. But that’s a fairy tale marriage. Real life marriage, are a handful,

sometimes irritating, you feel like you can never do enough to make your spouse happy. You

don’t want to give up and you never should. You got married for a reason, all you need to do is

put some work into your marriage. It needs help and the only two people that can help your

marriage are you and your spouse. Everything listed above, are all very important. The divorce

rate will always be going up, a majority of people won’t change their actions towards their

spouse. You have to choose to change to make a difference in your marriage life, your kids life if

you have kids. Communication is another highly important skill to have, if you want to have

conversations without arguing all the time, you need to learn how to have communication skills

to help you and your spouse out so you guys don’t latch out all the time. Communication can

sometimes make or break your relationship. Same goes with boundaries, we need to respect our

spouses boundaries in order to build trust and respect. Boundaries set the limits that each spouse

is willing to go for. We can push them or control them, they are an individual you makes their

own decisions in life, if you try to control them, it’ll just make things worse. Vulnerability is

another important skill that every married couple needs. To build a trust between the two, you

have to be vulnerable, you have to open up to one another In order to grow. You can keep your

walls up and still think that you are connecting and moving forward. By having the walls up, it

stops your growth with your spouse. And finally trust. Trust is another very important skill that

not only married couple should have, but everyone should have. Having trust with your spouse

builds a stronger connection while being vulnerable with one another. You can’t be vulnerable

with someone and try to trust them. It just doesn’t work like that. As you can see every single
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one of these skills work together. One is not stronger than the other or weaker, they are a team

and work together. If one doesn’t work, the rest all kind of lag. That all have to be working in

order to have the best chance at having a successful marriage. If you truly want your marriage to

last, nevertheless have a successful one, you need to put the work into it.

Work cited

“Christianity in the United States.” Wikipedia, Wikimedia Foundation, 30 Apr. 2020,

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Cloud, Henry, and John Sims Townsend. Boundaries in Marriage an 8-Session Focus on

Understanding the Boundaries That Make or Break Loving Relationships. Zondervan,

2008.
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“Marriage and Divorce.” American Psychological Association, American Psychological

Association, 2020, www.apa.org/topics/divorce/.

Maxwell, John C. Failing Forward: Turning Mistakes into Stepping Stones for Success.

BookBaby, 2014.

“Relationship Maintenance in Couple Therapy and Relationship Education (Chapter 18) -

Relationship Maintenance.” Cambridge Core, Cambridge University Press, 2019,

doi.org/10.1017/9781108304320.018.

Stanton, Glenn, et al. “FactChecker: Divorce Rate Among Christians.” The Gospel

Coalition, 25 Sept. 2012, www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/factchecker-divorce-rate-

among-christians/.

Summary, 30 Minute Expert. Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable

Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brene Brown. Callisto Media,

2012.

Tsika, Paul, and Billie Tsika. Get Married, Stay Married. Destiny Image Publishers, 2010.