A LOVE AFFAIR THAT GOT ME CLOSE TO A GREAT DOCTOR

I am blissfully married and a proud mother to three young men. My husband Leo knows that I
am also engaged in another love affair, a sweet and enduring one. And he approves, so do my
sons.

This love affair is with research, and it started during my pediatric residency training. I can still
remember vividly the excitement and the long nights, the discovery of meaningful
developments, the joy of reading medical journals, the eagerness to prepare something
thorough and relevant. The excitement I felt continued up to my postgraduate internship, my
fellowship in infectious diseases and it has lasted till now. My husband was never jealous and
my relationship with my sons never soured despite this other ongoing and never-ending love
affair. I could not ask for more. This is the best life.

So last May 23, the family accompanied me to Vigan, Ilocos Sur, to attend the 107th annual
convention hosted by the Philippine Medical Association (PMA). Being included as one of the 15
finalists for the coveted Dr. Jose P. Rizal Memorial Awards is a proud moment for my family.
With them around, I was the proudest wife, mom and doctor.

While individual citations were being read on stage for the top awardees for Community
Leadership (Dr. Purisima A. Bueno), Government Service (Dr. Maria Victoria M. Abesamis),
Clinical Practice (Dr. Bonaleth M. De Vera) and Academe (Dr. Estrella B. Paje-Villar), I never
expected that the final citation was all about the fruits of my other love affair, with research.

“Lead investigator for the much-awaited clinical trials on the multivalent dengue vaccine…”
“repeatedly cited by researchers here and abroad…” “served as the springboard for the
Expanded Program of Immunization (EPI) of the Department of Health…” “provided the
evidence and the science…” “extended her work to the communities…” “greater things to come
that will benefit science, medicine and the Filipino people…” “epitomizes the virtues of Dr. Jose
P. Rizal…” “…love of country and service to our countrymen…” All these brought me back to the
past 30 years of my medical, family and community life.

My love affair with research did not happen overnight. It was a journey that began with a case
presentation as a first-year pediatric resident, and a prospective study on how to prevent early
jaundice in newborns. My recommendation that a nursery should always be facing the direction
the sun rises so that a newborn can benefit from exposure to morning sunlight won the top
prize for the hospital’s annual research competition. This did not happen once. It was a back-to-
back win for three straight years. I got hooked. Who would not be? Year 1991 was my first
immersion in dengue research. Twenty-three years later, I am now the lead investigator of the
country’s clinical trials for dengue vaccine, in the countries where dengue is a major public
health problem. It’s a vaccine the medical community worldwide is waiting for.
In Vigan, the Philippine Medical Association (PMA) bore witness to the conferment of the
award. The title comes with a specially designed trophy in the image of Dr. Jose P. Rizal by
National Artist Napoleon V. Abueva, a gold medallion, free trip to the United States to attend
the convention of the American Academy of Family Physicians and P150,000 worth of
medicines that I can share with a civic organization of my choice. 

Was it just a coincidence or pure fate that it is also the 23rd year of the presentation of the
prestigious Dr. Jose P. Rizal Memorial Awards? If the number “23” is a coincidence, what a
joyful one. If this is destiny, let me accept it with gratitude.

This award is a fitting tribute to those who have encouraged and inspired me to continue my
love affair with research — participants and their families as well as my teams in clinical trials,
officials of the local health, school and government units, the Research Institute for Tropical
Medicine, collaborators/ partners and sponsors of my researches, Basaynon Katiguban, Inc. and
my town mates in Basey, Samar, who continue to show resiliency despite the tragedy during
the super typhoon Yolanda, the Philippine Pediatric Society and Manila Medical Society for the
recognition of my works and the nomination.

For more than three decades, I have never felt happier and accomplished than when doing
medical research. It is tiring but exciting, demanding yet humbling, intimidating but
empowering, exacting yet fulfilling. My work is my loving tribute to a great Filipino and a fellow
doctor, Jose P. Rizal, MD.
Aspect of the Self
Simply stated, an individual is composed of three basic, but very different aspects of the self. They are the
physical or tangible aspects as they relate to the body, the intellectual and conscious aspects as they
relate to the mind, and the emotional and intuitive aspects as they relate to the spirit. All three aspects of
the self work together in perfect harmony when attention is paid to all three simultaneously. 

Many individuals put a strong emphasis on the physical aspect of the self. The body is tangible, obvious,
and we respond to it easily. More time and money is spent on enhancing the physical component than
either of the other two aspects. This does not mean, however, that the body is healthy or strong. The
body provides a place to house the spirit (often experienced as feelings) and the mind (often experienced
as thought). 

It may be important to some that their mind be prominent and well educated. The mind is important, as it
is the part of the self that directs the other two aspects. The mind learns what to do and communicates
the information to the body and the feelings. What the mind believes, the body manifests or acts on, and
the emotions feel, or respond with. People store both healthy and destructive thoughts and beliefs and
responds to life's circumstances in the most prominent manner. The mind provides access creativity and
serenity which are necessary for such processes as prayer, forgiveness, acceptance, and passion. 

The human emotions are the most feared aspect of the self, as individuals are reluctant and
unprepared to manage them. Managing feelings is like trying to hold water in the palm of your hand. They
are illusive and deceptive. A decision made under emotional stress and strain usually impacts emotions
negatively. Negative emotions that are not managed are stored and repressed. Repression is destructive
to a content self since all feelings, not only negative ones are stored away. Accessing feelings when they
are needed now becomes difficult, leaving the individual numb and hopeless.
The Story of Two Wolves
An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside
me,” he said to the boy. “It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is
evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt,
resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”

 He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity,
humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and
faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather,
“Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

Whether or not it’s your first time hearing this story, it serves as an important reminder of the power
we have over our experiences and emotions.

It’s easy to feel like a victim in challenging situations and circumstances in our lives. We want to
understand our negative thoughts, feelings and experiences, so we place blame on other people,
objects, or events. We look outward to try to make sense of what’s going on inside of us. We do this
all the time. Why? It’s our way of coping, and feeling more in control of uncontrollable situations.

The problem with this approach, however, is that it takes away our personal responsibility and
freedom of choice. In our attempt to feel more in control (by faulting others for our experience) we
actually strip ourselves of our own power. That power is lost the moment we become dependent on
other people or things to make us feel a certain way. Whether that feeling is positive or negative, we
are no longer taking sole responsibility for our own emotions or experiences when we believe that
they are a result of anything other than our own choice.

By exercising your freedom of choice, you can make a life-changing decision of which wolf you want
to feed. Do you feed the wolf who is hungry for anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-
pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego? This evil wolf is also your
inner critic. The one who tells you that you are a failure, the one who says that no one will love you
or understand you for who you are. This wolf is a representation of your depression, your anxiety,
and your low self-esteem. Do you want to feed this wolf? Are you feeding him already?

By cutting off his food supply, you will be making a choice to use your energy and resources on
thoughts, feeling, and emotions that serve you in healthy ways. While you can recognize the
negative emotions occurring within you, you don’t have to attach to them or continue to give them
attention. You shifting your focus is a sign to that wolf that you are not interested in giving him food.
And while it may take some time for that wolf to lose his strength and power, eventually he will
surrender – as will your unhelpful thoughts and emotions. Once you stop fixating on them, they will
eventually drift away.
So what about the other wolf? Well it certainly isn’t going to feed itself.

Just as you would with the bad wolf, it is imperative that you exercise your freedom of choice and
decide to nourish the wolf of joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence,
empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. We often look to external objects for our
fulfillment and happiness. We develop expectations that these things (a new job, a relationship, a
lavish vacation, a brand new pair of shoes, a glass of wine, etc.) will finally make us feel the way we
want to feel. And while this may bring momentary gratification, it isn’t realistic to maintain this long-
term.

Happiness isn’t a conditional state. It’s a state of being. True lasting happiness comes from making
an active choice to be happy, rather than depending on external things to make you happy. The
more that we seek out happiness,and look for it as if it is a treasure we will find, the less we are
feeding the wolf that is inside of us. You already have everything you need to be happy because
you are whole as you are, right now. The feeling and experience of happiness comes from
feeding the wolf from within. As he becomes bigger and stronger, he will be better equipped to
handle life’s challenges. If you choose to feed only him, he will always win.