But loving her is something I could never do (because I had you)

Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/18308999.

Rating: Not Rated

Archive Warning: Choose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Category: F/F
Fandom: TWICE (Band)
Relationship: Hirai Momo/Myoui Mina, Myoui Mina/Park Jisoo | Jihyo
Character: Hirai Momo, Minatozaki Sana, Myoui Mina, Park Jisoo | Jihyo
Additional Tags: Alternate Universe, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, this is a sad one, they really
love each other
Stats: Published: 2019-04-01 Words: 2960

But loving her is something I could never do (because I had

you)
by TocV12

Summary

Even after her engagement, Mina’s heart can only love Momo.

Notes

See the end of the work for notes

The chocolate pastry on the plate in front of her is untouched.

Mina knows nothing about that will change in the next hour.

Across from her, Jihyo gives her a worried look, a frown marring her pretty face.

“Are you okay, Mina?” The older girl asks, concern and love evident in her voice. She reaches
across the table and puts her hands on top of Mina’s.
Everything about this scene screams “perfect.” Romantic. Lovely.

Jihyo is perfect, the date they’re on is perfect, and the fact that Jihyo’s the one she’s going to be
married to in six months is perfect.

And yet, Mina can only nod once, numbly, as if a single nod could do anything to ease the
permanent ache in her heart.

Yeah, the chocolate pastry on the plate in front of her looks delicious.

Mina thinks Momo would have loved it.

She’s with her parents, sitting at the dinner table one night, hands wrapped around a steaming cup of
coffee.

“I’m glad you decided to listen to us,” her mother tells her out of the blue.

Mina blinks at her, instantly wishing for the somewhat peaceful silence to make a reappearance.

“You and Jihyo are a good match. She’s perfect for you,” her mother continues, waving a hand at
the papers on the table.

She feels the weight of a heavy hand on her shoulder. “I have no doubt that she’ll treat you well,”
her father says in his deep baritone.

Mina waits for it. Hopes she doesn’t hear it. Doesn’t know if she can handle it.

“Certainly better than that other girl ever could.” Her mother is the one who brings it up. Mina isn’t
blind to the contemptuous frown that accompanies the damning words.

“That Hirai girl was no good.” Her father concludes. Mina’s heart gives a little jump at hearing her
name. “Trying to pass off dancing as a respectable profession. The absurdity!”

Momo was everything I could have asked for and more. And turning a passion into something she
could do for a living just shows the amount of dedication and hard work she was willing to sacrifice.
She wants to protest out loud, arguing against her parents’ hateful criticism. And yet, her mouth
won’t open, and her amicable facial expressions don’t change.

Still a coward.

Mina’s father removes his hand from Mina’s shoulder. “I’m glad you found Jihyo. You two will be
beautiful together.”

Mina accepts the compliments with a lifeless smile.

Sana’s always on her phone. She picks up instantly, and Mina feels some of the weight on her chest
lifting at the sound of her best friend’s voice. Only a little bit, but still.

“Mitang,” Sana greets her. Bubbly and cheerful. The complete opposite of Mina.

“Sattang,” she indulges Sana with their customary greeting. “How are you?”

“Tired and busy. Nothing too unusual, considering everything.” There’s a pause.

“What about you?” Sana asks, and Mina reflects on the fact that Sana knows her better than anyone
else. Probably better than Mina knows herself.

“I’m… okay,” she responds with a sigh.

“Are you really?” Sana’s quick to reply. Mina lets out a breath.

“How is she?” She intentionally avoids answering Sana’s question.

It’s Sana’s turn to sigh. “She’s doing well. She just set up a new dance studio with Seulgi. It’s a
fifteen minute drive from your work.”

Mina ignores the last part of what the older girl says. “She’s happy then?”

“I don’t think happy is the right word,” Sana answers slowly. Thoughtfully. “She’s been burying
herself in her work. Perfecting her dance. You know how she is.”

And indeed, Mina knows. Knows that burying herself in her dance is one of Momo’s ways of
distracting herself. Disconnecting herself from the real world and the people that bring nothing but
suffering with them.

“You know,” Sana begins in a low voice. Serious for once. “You could just ask her yourself.”

“I could,” Mina agrees. The lie slips out of her mouth with little resistance. It was true, after all. It
would be easy for Mina to pick up her phone, dial the number of the person she wanted to see the
most in the world, and press the call button. And yet, she doesn’t. Hasn’t for the past couple of years.
Probably never will.

Sana sighs defeatedly. “You know I love you and her both, Minari.” It’s a statement, not a question.
Mina doesn’t respond. “I just hope you’re happy.”

“Thank you, unnie.” Sana hums in acknowledgement.

“Minari?” Mina waits for Sana to continue. “You know I was being serious, right?”

“I know,” she replies. “I know.” She’s reminded of the ever present weight on her chest.

Coward.

Five years ago.

Mina finds Momo outside, sitting on the edge of the curb. She looks up when Mina approaches,
smiling softly.

“Hey.” Momo gets up, covering a yawn with the back of her hand. “How did the talk go?”

Mina reaches out, finding Momo’s hand and intertwining their fingers together.

“It was fine, I guess.” Momo laughs, squeezing the younger girl’s hand. “Do they approve of me,
then?”

Mina smiles. “Of course they do. Why wouldn’t they?”

Momo visibly relaxes, and Mina can tell that her earlier nonchalant attitude had mostly been an act.
“They really don’t mind?”

“I don’t approve.” Her father wastes no time in informing her. She’s standing in the kitchen with
her mother and father, Momo waiting outside because her father had asked for a little “privacy
between family members.”

“You need to leave her. This cannot last.” It’s her mother’s turn to contribute, her words hurting as
much as her father’s words had.

“Why?” The word hangs in the air, full of frustration and anger.

Both of her parents stare at her like she’s lost her mind. Like she’s the one in the wrong. “Open your
eyes, Mina,” her mother tells her. “Someone like her doesn’t belong with someone like you.”

“Why?” She finds herself repeating, more quietly this time.

“It’s even worse that she’s a girl. If she were a boy, then maybe we could talk. You know what
everyone else will say about you having a girlfriend .” Her father attempts to mask his disgust, but
Mina can hear it, clear as crystal.
It continues.

“What kind of reputable girl plans to major in dance, of all possible things? Absolutely worthless.
Only goes to show she’s either lazy or not too bright.” Her father’s words are dripping with
contempt.

Mina flinches. She’d been expecting the matter of Momo’s chosen major to be brought up, but never
in such an angry manner. Her parents, both successful doctors, had always appraised Mina of the
importance of choosing her major wisely. As in, choosing to study to become a doctor, like them, or
an engineer, or any other well-regarded job. They had made no efforts to declare their disdain for
people who chose to major in other areas, especially the arts.

“Look at the way she carries herself,” her father continues. “Simply awful.”

Her mother chimes in her agreement. Mina feels sick.

“You can do much better than this,” her mother tells her. “You’re too good for her.”

She opens her mouth. To object. To deny. Anything.

“I’ll be damned if I let my flesh and blood, my own daughter, marry someone like that,” her father
says scornfully, his hands gripping the side of the table so hard that they’re turning white.

Mina swallows. Bows her head. Nods her head when her father tells her that Momo will never be
accepted into the Myoui household.

“Not at all,” Mina hears herself saying. Momo lets her hand go, spinning around and doing a little
victory dance. It’s the pure relief and joy that radiates off the other girl that makes Mina feel a little
less guilty.

It’s the first time she’s lied to Momo, after all.

Four years ago.

“Mina, you can’t let this go on,” Momo says seriously, dark eyes full of concern. “Don’t let them
beat you down.”

“What do you want me to do?” Her laugh is bitter and harsh.

“Talk to them,” Momo urges her, eyes not leaving her own.

“What’s the point? I already know what they’ll say,” Mina retorts. “The same nonsense they’ve been
spewing for the past few years.”

“You don’t know that,” Momo begins. Mina cuts her off. “You don’t know them like I do, Momo.”

There’s such a finality in Mina’s statement that she knows anyone else would have stopped
immediately. But it’s Momo, and Momo is different.

“You never know for sure unless you actually try,” Momo reasons. “Come on, Minari. I believe in
you.” It’s Momo’s steely gaze, powerful and reassuring, that makes Mina cave in. “All right,” she
breathes. “Fine.”

“I’ll talk to them at the next family dinner. I promise.” Momo smiles crookedly at her, pulling her in
for a hug. Mina sighs, comforted by the familiar feeling of being held by the other girl.

Another empty promise.

Three years ago

She’s crying, sprawled on the grass of the neighborhood park. Momo looks down at her, a troubled
expression on her face. Mina knows that Momo hates it when she cries.

She’s been crying a lot recently.

She feels Momo seat herself next to her, close enough for their knees to touch. A welcoming arm
wraps around her shoulders, and Mina leans into the touch, burying her head into Momo’s chest.

She sobs freely, taking solace in the fact that nobody’s at the park at this time of night, and it’s Momo
who’s holding her tightly, not letting her go.

She opens her mouth, ready to offer an explanation for why she called Momo in such a pitiful state.

“Hush, Mitang,” Momo murmurs, pressing her lips to the younger girl’s forehead. “Take your time. I
can wait.”

Through her broken sobbing, Mina wonders what she did in her past life to deserve someone like
Momo.

It takes her five minutes of Momo running a hand up and down her back and whispering comforting
words before she’s calmed down enough to talk.

“I hate them,” she finally whispers. Momo pulls her even closer in response. “Don’t say that,” the
older girl says quietly. “They’re still your family, no matter what they say or do.”

Mina sighs, sniffling. “The usual comments?” Momo’s question is too casual, and Mina can tell the
other girl already knows the answer. She nods tightly.

“I should be used to them,” she confesses. “But I’ve been so stressed recently…” She trails off,
knowing Momo will understand her.

The older girl is quiet for a while. “You shouldn’t have to deal with this.” Momo sounds angry,
resentful even. “It’s not fair.” Momo’s last statement, for some odd reason, causes Mina to give a
short chuckle.

“Nothing in life is fair, Momoring.” Momo grumbles, drawing out another watery laugh from the
younger girl.
“Still, I wish you didn’t have to deal with this.” Momo says. Mina closes her eyes, breathing deeply.
Memorizing the moment clearly. Feels safe in Momo’s arms.

“It’ll be fine, Momoring. We’ll be fine.” Another lie. Unintentional, but still a lie.

It rains the last day Mina sees Momo. The day she breaks two hopeful hearts, showing no signs of
pity as she brought the unforgiving heel of her boot on the shards of their love. The day she tries to
say goodbye to an unforgettable part of her life. The day she walks away from Momo, refusing to
look back, refusing to surrender to the other girl’s sobbing pleas to come back.

“Why?” Except there’s no anger, only desperation and dread present in Momo’s voice. The grief-
stricken brokenness of Momo’s expression, the complete opposite of the determined and cheerful girl
Mina is used to, will haunt her sleep for months.

Mina ignores the tears coursing down the older girl’s face, knowing the wetness that she feel on her
own face is proof that Momo’s grief is mirrored in her own face.

“I told you,” she hears herself saying, as if she’s reading from the script of a scene. A scene of a
tragedy that sees star-crossed lovers parting forever. “I can’t be with you anymore.”

“Why?” Momo seems to be unable to say anything else except that single word. A word Mina’s
asked herself so many times. A word that had lead to a disappointing answer.

It’s time for her to deliver, to be on the other end this time. She wills herself to stay strong,
emotionless.

“People grow and change, Momo.” She ignores the way her voice wavers. “Sometimes they fall out
of love.”

Momo laughs, a harsh sound. “Is that what happened?” Her dark eyes search Mina’s own intently,
seemingly pleading for a different explanation.

Mina forces herself to lift her shoulders in a shrug. A careless gesture that makes Momo flinch, as
though she has been struck. Mina has never hated herself more.
“After all we’ve been through, Mitang?” Momo’s shaking, her voice frail. “After all we’ve done for
each other? After everything we’ve endured together?”

Mina holds back another round of tears. Momo looks completely, utterly devastated. “People
change,” she repeats, monotonously. “And I think it’s time for us to go our separate ways. Find
someone new.”

“Mina,” the other girl begins, stepping forward. Mina steps back at the same time, and Momo
flinches again.

“I’m sorry, Momo.” And with the last of her willpower, Mina tears her eyes off of the other girl,
turning her back and walking away. She knows that a single look back would cause her to fall onto
her knees, begging Momo to forgive her. And she can’t afford to do that.

“Mina,” she hears the other girl whisper, the sound piercing her ears. “ Please.”

It rains that day, and Mina’s glad that the raindrops conceal the trail of burning tears that flow down
her cheeks.

Present.

She wakes up with a gasp, flailing blindly. She can’t make out anything in the darkness of the room.
The only thing she can see clearly is Momo’s devastated expression, forever ingrained into her mind.

A warm, familiar hand grabs her arm, and she finds herself being pulled into an embrace.

“What happened? Are you okay?” Jihyo’s voice, thick with sleep, is attentive and concerned.

Mina forces herself to relax, listening to the soothing thump of Jihyo’s heartbeat. She counts down
from twenty, taking deep breathes.

“I’m fine. Just a nightmare,” she manages to croak out. Jihyo hums. “I’m here. I’ve got you.”
Jihyo’s words become a mantra, and Mina finds her eyes closing once again, ready to drift off to an
uneasy sleep.

She falls asleep to Jihyo’s voice, in Jihyo’s arms, hearing the same repeating words in another girl’s
voice.

In the morning, Mina writes a letter.

Dear Momo,

It’s been two years now. Two years, two months, and 14 days, to be exact. I know it’s unfair for me
to contact you first, considering I was the one who broke it off, the one who ran away, but I was
always the weaker one in our relationship.

I was a coward. I know that. You gave me your everything, and I gave you only pain and misery.
You were the one who always comforted, always reassured, always gave and gave. The selfless one.
And yet, I crumbled under pressure from my parents and family and chose to leave you instead. The
only one I’ve ever been in love with.

Had you been in my footsteps, I know you would’ve fought tooth and nail for us, no matter the cost.
It would have been Momo and Mina against the world, but we would’ve been fine. Because I had
you, and you had me.

And it’s been so long since we’ve last met. Two years since that rainy night when I broke both your
heart and mine with a few horrible statements. To this day, I regret what I said. You didn’t deserve
it, and I hated myself for doing that to you.

And yet, I still can’t forget about you, no matter how hard I try. There’s an empty hole in my heart.
A hole that’s been there ever since that night, and perhaps for a little bit longer, ever since I realized
I would never be able to be with you. To love you like you deserve.

I hope you’ve moved on, even if I haven’t. You deserve better. You deserve to find someone who can
give you the entire world if you asked. And I sincerely hope you find that someone eventually.
Someone better than I ever was.

I know you’ve probably heard from Sana already, but I’m engaged. Do you remember Park Jihyo
from college? The smart one who we agreed would be at the top of the business ladder someday?
The one who always covered for us when we snuck out of the dorms?
 Yeah, Jihyo’s amazing. She takes care of me, almost as well as you did. She does everything in her
power to make me happy. In short, she’s the perfect fiancee. My parents and the rest of my horrible
family approve of her. I like to think you would, too.

Sometimes I cry at night, for you and the precious thing we had before I ruined it in the span of a
few minutes, and Jihyo’s the one who keeps me grounded. The one who makes me think that
everything is going to be okay, that the past is the past and should stay in the past. That I wasn’t the
monster who made you suffer so much.

And she might help me forget, forget about you and everything that happened between the two of us,
but loving her is something I could never do.

Because I had you.

Forever and always yours,

Myoui Mina

End Notes

This was a sad one. I promise, no more sad stories for a while.

Like always, thank you for reading. Hope you enjoy.

Please drop by the archive and comment to let the author know if you enjoyed their work!