April FOOLS 2001 or 02

SHOCK AS EMILE HESKEY JOINS UNITED FOR £25

MILLION
Manchester United have today completed a shock £25 million signing of Liverpool and
England striker Emile Heskey. The 23-year-old passed a medical at Old Trafford and signed a
four-and-a-half-year contract with the Red Devils on Sunday night.

The club has now broken the £20 million barrier for the second time in less than a year. The
news was announced by the United PLC via the Stock Exchange.

Reds manager Sir Alex Ferguson said of the signing: "I am delighted that Emile has agreed to
join us. We've been after him for a while now and watched him many times. I rung Gerard
Houllier yesterday and when he said he'd be interested in a deal I was immediately
interested. I think Emile has good potential, he's two good feet, he's quick and at 23
represents good value for the future.'

"His physical style has often been criticised but its exactly the sort of thing needed in the
modern game. Some limited skill is of course necessary but with enough power and
agression you can simply flatten most opponents. We've tried to play a skilled passing game
but Liverpool have shown its not really needed. Brute force and men behind the ball can bring
as much success as flair and skill ever will."

England star Heskey, who is Liverpool's second highest goalscorer, declared himself 'over the
moon' to be a United player and stated his intention to make an immediate impression.

Heskey shook off accusations he was "A blundering cart-horse" and "Could'nt hit a cows arse
with a banjo" and most damagingly that he was "Built like a tank but goes down more times
than a Bangkok whore". Heskey answered: "You have to expect this sort of criticism in
football but I'm the one getting fifty grand a week so what do I care?"

"I'll try to be useful for the team and if I can't score I'll try and help the team to score," he said.
"But I'm very happy to be here. It's something when I was a child I dreamed about. I thought
Liverpool were a big club but this place is on a different level altogether". Heskey added
mischievously: "At least I won't have to go drive through squalor ridden Scouse dumps to get
to work anymore."

Meanwhile at Anfield, acting Liverpool boss, Phil Thompson answered confused fans
questions claiming "We got rid of him because we thought his clumsy play no longer fits in
with our new attack minded philosophy. From now on we intend to ditch the boring, dour
tactics and score tonnes of goals. The £30 million will be used for buying some exciting
wingers and crazy South American dribble-kings."

Heskey could well make his United debut against Deportivo on Turesday.