Athena

I am Athena, or perhaps Minerva if

you are Roman. I am the goddess of
wisdom, weaving, and war strategy. I
was born from Zeus’ skull, split by an
axe by my (step-)brother Hephaestus.
Did I mention the fact that I’m my
father’s favorite child? Of course I am,
I am the wisest. And unlike my
brother Ares, I win the battles I fight
in. On the topic of family, you may
have heard of my uncle
Poseidon. Well, he had the nerve to
sleep with my priestess in my
temple. You’d know her as Medusa;
of course I had to curse her. I gave her
snakes hair and if any mortal man
looked her in the eyes, they’d turn to
stone. I later helped my half-brother
Perseus behead her, but that’s a story
for another day. Then, and this is
ridicules, Poseidon competed with me
to be the patron of Athens. I mean
really, a salt-water spring versus the
olive-tree, the choice was obvious, he
didn’t stand a chance. I mean you’d
think after helping a guy create the
chariot, which was totally my idea,
he’d realize you were always going to
beat him, but no. I truly think that
Cronus’ stomach acid rotted his brain on some level, if you’d met him, you’d believe me. You
ever hear of a little thing called the Trojan War? Well, the sparks notes version is this: Paris was
bribed by Aphrodite to name her the fairest out of Hera, herself and I. She promised him the
hand of the most beautiful mortal women in the world, which was Helen, a princess of Sparta.
The fact that I am the patron of Sparta has nothing to do with it, no matter what anyone says.
And yes, one of the bloodiest wars in history was fought over a girl. Now ever heard of those
nasty little things called spiders? Those, now those are my fault. You see, Arachne was a
weaving student of mine, who boasted of having greater skill then myself. Now, in a weaving
contest against me, her work was flawless, but it depicted scenes of horrible sins of the gods, I
had no choice but to curse her. To change her into a spider. Now, on the topic of dreadful
history, you all know how some mortals call me Pallas Athena? Because my best friend, a
daughter of Triton, was named Pallas, and in training, I killed her in a horrible accident as a
child, and took her name for myself as a tribute to her. My protective shield, Aegis is made
from her skin. Another symbol of mine is the owl, really why do you think they call it wise?
Now, I grow weary of speaking to mortals who haven’t a hope of remembering any of this.
Good day. May the gods not smite you.