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Question

Many governments think that economic progress is their most important goal. Some people, however
think that other types of progress are equally important for a country.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

These days, many governments presume that economic progress should be the major goal for a nation Comment [AuH1]: Comma is missing
whereas other people that progress or development in fields other than economy are also equally Comment [AuH2]: People what??
important.This essay believes that countries should strive towards improving their economy alone as Comment [AuH3]: Better to place synonyms
countries would not have to depend on other countries to fulfill their monetary requirements. Comment [AuH4]: Suggested one

This essay believes that countries should strive

towards improving their economy alone which will
fulfill their monetary requirements optimally.
If the governments of countries focused on improving their economic status, then they would be self -
sufficient and the reliance for money towards other countries would decrease significantly. As a result of
this, people can stay back and work in their own home countries and would not have have to go abroad Comment [AuH5]: Comma
in search of better income, thereby enabling them to stay close with their family members. For instance, Comment [AuH6]: Misused
India is heavily dependent on other western countries for financial support and as a direct consequence Comment [AuH7]: Comma
of this; the general public are only paid a meagre income for government based jobs as the country Comment [AuH8]: Misused
simply cannot afford to pay them because of lack of adequate finances. I totally agree with the
viewpoint that the countries should focus on improving their economy. Comment [AuH9]: Specific??

On the other hand, developments in other sectors like education and transportation are also essential
for the smooth running of a nation. If the citizens of a country are well educated, then they can be
employed in sectors like research and technology. As a result, the people can come up with new or Comment [AuH10]: Misused
beneficial technology. For example, Japan primarily focused on education over the last few decades and
this is the reason why they have become technological giants of the modern world. Having good Comment [AuH11]: Due to which
transport facilities would ensure that children and adults get to school and workplace on time. This Comment [AuH12]: Repetition
essay disagrees with this view as development in this sector would not necessarily mean financial
sustenance.
In conclusion although many people argue that development in fields other than economy should go Comment [AuH13]: Comma
hand in hand, I disagree with this opinion as economic development would mean financial
independence.

Introduction
Keep introduction short and concise because
you got body paragraphs for explanation. You
can easily replace the word important with
various synonyms like essential. The second
sentence is wordy read the suggested one for
clarification.
Body paragraph 1
The example is not relevant to the topic which
will affect your score. Misuses of (the) and
(this) irritate readers so it would be better to
avoid for the sake of higher score.

Body Paragraph 2
Try to use various conjunctions in order to
avoid repetition which will help you to secure
higher band. Change sentence structure to
avoid repetition of (this).

Conclusion
Conclusion is fine

So I would say
TA 7 because of body paragraph 1
CC 7
LR 8
GRA 8
Overall 7.5
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Suggested structure
Introduction
Body paragraph 1 (one opinion + Example)
Body paragraph 2 (second opinion + Example)
Body paragraph 3 (your opinion)
Conclusion