Act 1 Scene 1 
Lucius: You’re late. 
Yaxley: Late? What’s it matter? Look at this morning’s 
Prophet! “The Boy Who Lived Does It Again: The Dark Lord 
Dead For Good!” I knew it! We backed the wrong side… Again! 
Lucius: Calm yourself, Yaxley. 
Yaxley: All us Deatheaters are going to Azkaban now! No! 
No, no, no, no, no! 
Lucius: Do you have what I sent you for or not? 
Yaxley: Yeah, I got it. I had break into the Ministry for 
it, but I got it. 
Lucius: Excellent 
Yaxley: But you should see the Ministry. The Dark Lord not 
dead more than a day and they’ve already got the Wizard 
Cops after us. 
Lucius: Dam those Wizard Cops! Well. None of that matters 
anymore as long as we have this 
Yaxley: Who do you think you are? We don’t stand a chance 
against the Wizard Cops, not even you Lucius Malfoy! 
 
[It’s Not Over Yet plays] 
 
Act 1 Scene 2 
King’s Cross Person: Platform 9, Platform 10. Nothing in 
between. 
Harry: Can someone tell me how to get to Platform 9 ¾ ?! 
Excuse me, sir, can you tell me how to get to Platform 9 ¾? 
King’s Cross Person: Platform 9 ¾ ? There ain’t no such 
thing. You’re the 700th kid to ask that today, and I still 
refuse to believe that it exists. 
Harry: But, sir, you gotta help me! I just ran away from 
home from my mean aunt and uncle; they keep me under some 
stairs! Listen, you gotta believe me! I got this letter 
from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and…. Sir! Listen! 
Please! A… a bird gave it to me! [sigh] Yeah right, 
Hogwarts. 
Molly Weasley: Oh, hurry kids, we’re gonna miss the train! 
Come on, Weasleys! Bill! 
Bill: Yo, yo, Ma. 
Molly: Charlie! 
Charlie: Hi Mommy! 
Molly: Percy... 
Percy: Hello Mother. 
Molly: Fred and George! 
Fred: But I’m George! 
Molly: Nice try, but you got and F on your shirt, dumbass. 
Arthur Weasley: Oh boy, real Muggles! Everybody say 
chocolate frogs! I think I got it! Oh boy, it’s so silly! 
Molly: Arthur, quit fiddling with that muggle 
picture-maker. [mumbling] George, Fred, Percy, Charlie, 
Bill… [Normal] Where’s Ron with your sister? 
Ron: Did someone say Ron? 
Molly: Ronnie, hurry, you’re gonna miss your train! 
Ron: I’m trying to go faster, but i got this idiot little 
sister 
Molly: Oh, Ronnie, apologize to your idiot sister! 
Ron: No! 
Molly: Oh! You’re gonna get it! [slap train from Molly to 
Bill to Charlie to Percy to Fred to George to Ron and 
Ginny]. Stupid kids! 
Ginny: Aahh! 
Arthur: Alight Gang, alright. It’s picture time. This is 
Ronnie’s first day at Hogwarts, so here we go! 
Molly: Oh, he’s so cute! 
Arthur: Alright, smile and…. I got it! That’s a good one! 
Harry: Um, excuse me, sir. 
Arthur: yes, my dear boy? 
Harry: I couldn’t help but overhear you say something about 
Hogwarts? Can you tell me how to get to Platform 9 ¾ ?  
Arthur: Platform 9 ¾ ? Why, it’s right through that brick 
wall! 
Harry: Wait, what?  
Molly: Oh, I think he doesn’t know. Must’ve been raised by 
muggles. 
Harry: What’s a muggle? 
ARTHUR: What's a muggle!?Why, it's a wizard who doesn't-I 
mean, its a wizard who can't...He doesn't know what a 
moogle is 
MOLLY: A muggle is a non-magical person. I'll tell you 
what. You stick with Ronnyover there. It's his first year 
at Hogwarts, too.All right, Weasleys, in you go! 
ARTHUR:All right, follow me, gang, come on.Here we go. 
MOLLY: Ginny dear, Ginny dear you come with me. Ginny! 
Leave the boys alone. Ginny you leave the boys alone! 
You'll go to Hogwarts next year.  
[baby crying] 
Ron: Yes!At last! FREEDOM!!God I hate my stupid little 
sister. Ugh!! She is just such a Ugh! Such a ... 
HARRY: Butterface? 
RON: Ha Ha Ha.You know what, kid? You're alright! I'm Ron 
Weasley. Hey, do you want a delicious Red Vine? 
HARRY: Absolutely! 
RON: Well hey, here you go, good buddy! 
HARRY: They're like, my favorite snack in the whole world. 
RON: Oh my god. Me, too. 
HARRY & RON: HEEEEEH! 
RON: Alright. Favorite Amy Mann song on three. 1,2,3. 
HARRY & RON: Red Vines 
RON: Favorite color vines other than green. 
HARRY & RON: Red Vines 
RON: Favorite way to say to say Red Wines in a German 
accent. 
HARRY & RON: Red Vines! 0h my God!! 
RON: Where have you been all my life? 
HARRY: Um, in a cupboard under some stairs. 
RON: Thats so cool. Alright, well, come on, friend. Let's 
go to Hogwarts. We just got to go through that brick wall. 
HARRY: That sounds kinda scary. 
RON: Hey, it's okay. We can do it together. Wanna hold 
hands? 
HARRY: I'd love that. 
RON: On the count of three. 
HARRY & RON: One, Two, Three! Ahhhhhhhhhhh  
RON: That's a big brick wall! 
PERCY: All aboard, gang. Hogwarts Express. 
RON: Alright, let's go get a seat, pal! 
HARRY: You got it! 
RON: Hey, pal, that's, uh, that's a pretty cool headband 
you got there. 
HARRY: Oh, thanks. I wear it to cover this gross scar I got 
when I was a baby. I was in the car with my parents when we 
crashed into a crocodile. My parents got eaten, but then 
the crocodile took out a knife and gave me this scar. At 
least, that's what my liar aunt and uncle told me. 
RON: Well, that sucks. Can I see it? 
HARRY: Uh, yeah sure. There it is. What? 
RON: Oh my God. You're H..... You're H.... H.... 
SEAMUS: Bloody hell! It's Harry Potter!! Seamus Finnigan is 
the name, Mr. Potter. Gotta say a meetin' like this is a 
right treat, a right treat Mr. Potter. 
Harry: Nice to meet ya. 
Dean: Yo, what up man? My name's Dean Thomas. You want some 
bubblegum? 
Harry: I love bubblegum! 
Neville: Will you sign my Harry Potter poster, Mr. Potter? 
Harry: Uh...sure. Who should I make it out to? 
Neville: Neville Longbottom, sir. 
Harry: Ok, Schlongbottom. 
Cho: Ni Hao, Harry Potter. My name is Cho Chang, y'all. You 
should visit the Ravenclaw house some time. 
Harry: Ron, what is going on? Everyone is treating me like 
I'm..like I'm famous or something. 
Ron: But, Harry, you are! 
[Harry Freakin’ Potter plays] 
 
Act 1 Scene 3 
Harry: Hey Ron! 
Ron: Who's this guy? 
Harry: I don't know. He was here when I got here. 
Harry: He's asleep but I think he's homeless. 
Ron: Gross! 
Um we kinda got separated at the train station. 
And uh you forgot this. 
Harry: You know man everyone in the Wizarding World loves 
my scar. 
Why don't you keep it? 
Ron: Really? 
Wow! 
Harry: Looks good man. 
Ron: Thanks! 
Damn it! Now I want to give you something. 
Harry: That's ok! 
Ron: Ooo....do you want a rat? 
It's my rat. 
Harry: Oh, your rat. Hi! 
Ron: His name is Scabbers and he's been in my family for 
like a hundred years. 
In fact I think my parents found him the same night your 
parents died. 
Harry: Weird! 
Ron: I know weird. 
Hey you want a Bertie Botts every flavor candy bean? 
Harry: Sure. 
Ron: They have every flavor in the entire world. 
They even have a poopie flavored one. 
But it's so rare...you'll never be lucky enough to get it. 
What'd you get? 
Harry: Broken computer. 
Ron: That's gross. 
I can't even remember the last time I got a candy flavored 
one. 
Harry: What'd you get? 
Ron: Defeat. 
Well I give up on these. 
Hey, why don't we wash these beans down with some of the 
greatest snacks in the entire world. 
Both: Red Vines! 
Ron: I got them right here in my bag ummmm 
(Cat screeching) (Harry and Ron screaming) 
Hermione: Crookshanks! 
Oh, bad kitty. 
Hermione: Sorry, sometimes he just crawls into the 
darndest places. 
Ron: It's ok just next time... 
Oh my god night troll! 
Hermione: I'm not a night troll. 
I'm a little girl. 
My name's Hermione Granger. 
Jiminy crickets, you're Harry Potter! 
Harry: Oh yeah, weird right? 
Hermione: I'm such a big fan 
Say uh would you sign my petition? 
Harry: Uh sure 
Ron: No, no he doesn't want to. 
Hermion: I'm...I'm collecting signatures for house elf 
suffrage. 
You see I just think its awful that some creatures in the 
wizarding world aren't treated equally. 
Just because they were born as ugly sickly little 
creatures with big, dumb noses. 
And I think that we... 
I mean the elves. 
Are just as good as anybody. 
Not to mention the world just isn't made for those little 
guys. 
Did you know over 600 house elves die in toilet related 
incidents every year? 
Harry: Can you stop talking? I'll sign it just don't send 
me any emails. 
Hermione: Oh no I won't . Thanks Harry! 
Harry: There you go. Hey, are we the first people you 
asked? 
There's only one other name on here. 
Hermione: That is my name. 
Harry: Oh, well then there you go... Her-My-One 
Hermione: So Harry Potter. Did you really grow up in the 
muggle world? 
Harry: Yeah found out I was a wizard like two minutes ago. 
Weird! 
Hermione: Yeah I grew up in the muggle world too. 
My parents are muggles. Muggle dentists. 
Candy lady: Candy from the trolley? 
Hermione: Am I ever so excited to finally go to Hogwarts! 
Ron: That's 'cause Hogwarts is the best place in the 
entire world. 
Hermione: Yeah and to be taught by so many great witches 
and wizards like Albus Dumbledore. 
Harry: Whos, who the hell is Albus Dumbledore? 
Ron: He's only the bestest most bravest 
Hermione: Most wisest, most talented 
Ron: Beautiful 
Hermione: Most beautiful wizard who ever lived. 
Candy lady: Candy from the trolley? 
Hermione: And my dream of dreams is to some day graduate 
top of my class. 
Candy lady: Candy from the troll..... 
Candy lady (suddenly deeper voice): Candy from the 
trolley? 
Ron: Yes! At last. 
Hermione: My parents say that candy is bad for your teeth. 
Candy lady: Avada... 
Lupin: Expelliarmus! 
Take that you bastard ass. 
Oh god damn it! 
At least I still have a.... 
No, what? Where'd it go? 
Oh, shit, what? 
No that's piss. 
Wait was I drinking piss? 
You must be Harry Potter. 
Harry: You just-- why did you kill the candy lady?! 
(Kids screaming) 
Lupin: Stop it, kids. Don't be afraid of me! 
I'm not dangerous and I'm not homeless anymore. 
My name is Remus Lupin 
and I'm your new defense against the dark arts teacher. 
And that so called candy lady was a death eater. 
And she was about two seconds away from killing you, your 
little friend, and his pet night troll. 
Harry: What's a death eater? What is that? 
Lupin: It's a servant of you know who. 
I figured a few of them might show up when they learned 
that Harry Potter was headed to Hogwarts. 
They can be real hard ass dickheads. 
(gasp) 
What the hell is the matter with you guys? 
Oh shit! (gasp) You guys are kids. 
I got to watch my damn mouth around you little bastards. 
I'm sorry.... 
Shoot. I got to watch my damn mouth around you little 
bastards. 
Ahh! 
Ron: Hey looks like the train stopped. 
We're here. 
Lupin: Son.. 
Come here... 
Listen this year I don't want you to be worried about 
death eaters 
or that Sirius Black or... 
werewolves or anything else that could kill you right now. 
Alright, because as long as you are at Hogwarts with me 
and headmaster Dumbledore there to protect you. 
You're perfectly safe. 
Trust me Harry no one at Hogwarts hates you. 
Snape: What the devil is going on here? What are you two 
doing here? Get off the train. 
Why Remus Lupin 
Lupin: Severus Snape 
Ron: That's Snape. He's evil. 
Snape: Get off the train. 
Not you, boy. 
You sit. 
So you must be Harry Potter. 
I can tell that just by not talking to you that you're a 
no good 
good for nothing nobody like your father. 
Lupin: You know what just leave the poor kid alone. ok? 
God, you haven't changed at all since our school days at 
Hogwarts. 
Hey Harry, don't pay any attention to Sour Grapes Snape. 
Snape: How dare you speak that name! 
Lupin: I've said it before Snape and I'll say it again. 
You always have been and you always will be 
a butt trumpet! 
You know why? Cuz you've got a trumpeting butt! 
Snape: No I haven't 
Lupin: Yes! (makes fart noises) 
Snape: Stop that 
Lupin: Hey guys I'm Snape's butt. (continues fart noises) 
Snape: No, no he's not. He doesn't sound anything like my 
butt. 
Lupin: Ha! Who looks stupid now? You do. 
Snape: Alright....we're both adults now. 
I demand you stop acting like a child or I'll tell 
Dumbledore and have you expelled. 
Lupin: I don't think so Snape because I'm a teacher now 
you can't expel me 
I'll expel you! In fact, you're expelled! I just expelled 
you!! 
Snape: What? That's absurd. 
You can't expel me, we can't expel each other. Can we? 
Lupin: I won't pretend to know. 
Snape: Well, then I will 
Snape, vanish! 
Harry: Woah! What a jerk!! 
Lupin: Yeah. But listen, Harry, don't let him bother you 
ok? 
You're finally where you belong at Hogwarts, 
the place where your parents spent the best years of their 
lives. 
So go on Harry, go and find what you were always meant to 
be. 
In the home you never knew you had. 
Harry: I'll see you Lupin 
Lupin: See you in class Harry 
 
[To Have A Home plays] 
 
Snape: Wait Potter! Your sorting isn't done yet. 
The Scarf of Sexual Preference. 
Scarfy: Metrosexual 
Harry: So does the school provide shoes to go with this 
fabulous tie or what? 
Snape: It sure does. 
Harry: I'll make it work. 
Hey guys what did you guys get sorted as? 
Ron: Bicurious. Hermione: Waiting till marriage 
Harry: What House did you get sorted in? 
Ron: Oh Gryffindor. Hermione: Gryffindor! 
Harry: Gryffindor, cool me, too! 
Seamus: Bloody ass! Dean get a load of this. We're in the 
same House as Harry Potter!! 
Why don't you just put your feet right up here, Mr. 
Potter. Right here. 
Neville: Can I shine your shoes for you, Mr. Potter? 
Harry: Go for it, man 
Dean: Yo, man, I got this mean back rub. Harry: Ah 
alright. 
Ron: Woah, woah woah woah 
Services not necessary, get out of here. 
Harry: Gryffindor House rocks I can't even imagine what 
kind of other assholes exist in other stupid Houses. 
Sorty: Slytherin! 
Draco: Well, well, well 
Isn't this cute? The rumors are true. 
You must be Harry Potter the famous bastard. 
My name is Draco Malfoy. 
I am a racist, I despise gingers and mudbloods. 
I hate Gryffindor House and my parents work for the man 
who killed your parents. 
Do you want to be my friend? 
Harry: Hate Gryffindor House?! Get out of my face Malfoy! 
Gryffindors: Gasp! 
Hermione: Harry, no! 
Draco: You are not permitted to touch 
Crabbe, Goyle! 
Goyle: Who dares disturb my slumber? 
Get over here. 
Crabbe: You too, girl! 
Goyle: It's clobberin' time! 
Malfoy: As you wish, shake them! 
Yes, yes... Harry: Stop! Stop! 
How does it feel to watch your friends being tortured? 
Harry: Leave Ron alone you assholes, leave him alone. 
Ron: Just be his friend, Harry 
Hermione: We'll miss you, Harry! 
Malfoy: Feel like being my friend yet, Potter? 
Harry: No way...yeah you can torture my friends all you 
want. 
I will never and I mean ever be your friend. 
Malfoy: You've made a grandiose mistake Potter 
No one undermines Draco Malfoy. 
Dumbledore: Oh Malfoy you little shit. 
Gryffindors: Dumbledore! 
Dumbledore: If you don't sit down right now I will spank 
your diapered tush. 
Harry: Malfoy wears a diaper? 
Dumbledore: He sure does! Draco, x-ray glasses. 
Pass 'em around kids! ALL: (laughing) 
Malfoy: This is all your fault, Potter. You wait till my 
father hears about this. 
Dumbledore: Well, well what fun! And welcome everybody to 
your very first magical year at Hogwarts. 
My name is Albus Dumbledore and I'l be your headmaster. 
Now you'll call me Dumbledore or else! 
Now by now you should have been Sorted into one of four 
Houses. 
During your time at Hogwarts your House will be like your 
family. 
Warring families who all hate each other. 
And finally compete for this .... a cup. 
Goyle: Look at that cup, I'd feed myself to Aragog's 
children for that cup. 
Ron: I'd kill for that cup. 
Harry: That cup is ours, Slytherin, you're gonna die. 
Dumbledore: Don't kill each other in the Great Hall. You 
have to wait to do that on the Quidditch field. 
Dean: Quidditch? What you talkin' 'bout, Dumbledore? 
Dumbledore: Dean, Quidditch is a magical sport just for 
wizards and boy is it silly! 
We take you little cuties and shoot you thousands of miles 
up into the air on brooms 
Where you bounce around big old balls and beat each other 
with long thick clubs. 
There's some other rules in there somewhere and you get 
points somehow. 
But the thing we all watch for is the blood. 
Isn't that right, Lupin? 
Lupin: Sure as hell is, Dumbledore 
Dumbledore: Kids, I want you to meet Remus Lupin, your new 
Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. 
He's also volunteered to coach the Gryffindor Quidditch 
team 
And let's not forget about my very good friend, 
our Potion's Master and coach of the Slytherin team, 
Professor Snape 
Snape: Yay! 
I would like to take this opportunity to announce the 
Hogwarts Astronomy club. 
This year we will be paying particularly close attention 
to the cycles of the moon. 
And their effects on certain professors. 
Remus Lupin for example. What do you enjoy doing in the 
light of a full moon? 
Lupin: That's an easy one Snape..kill! 
Lavender: (crying) 
I mean..I mean...I mean kill animals. 
Kids: (crying) 
I mean dance with animals. Sorry 
Snape: If my calculations are correct it should be a full 
moon this very evening. 
Lupin: Ah you're full of shit, Snape. 
I mean poopie. 
It was a full moon just 30 days ago. 
In fact I must be going 
Feel in the mood to kill some animals. 
OH! Ah! (groaning) 
My transformation, it's beginning. 
Sorry, kids. Speed... of a wolf! 
Snape: Bye! 
Dumbledore: Anyway on a more serious note. 
Hogwarts isn't all fun and games and trying to violently 
kill each other. 
Your lives could be in grave danger as well. 
Cho: What ever could you mean Professor Dumbledore? 
Dumbledore: It's Cho Chang. How you doing Cho? 
Well Cho, I'm sure you've all heard by now that the 
violent criminal Sirius Black has escaped from Azkaban. 
And the ministry is not taking the threat he poses to 
Hogwarts very lightly. 
Neville: Oh d-d-d-dear! Professor do you mean that Sirius 
Black could be headed here? 
Dumbledore: I sure do, Schlongbottom. 
In fact, there might be some cute little Gryffindor that's 
leading him right to our doorstep. 
Ron: Thanks, Herman! 
Harry: Ron, he said cute he could only have been talking 
about me. 
Ron: Oh yeah duh Her-Mee-One's a butt. 
Dumbledore: She sure is, Ron. 
Well anyway the ministry has sent a new security officer 
to help keep 
Harry Potter as well as everybody else as safe as can be 
So kids I want you to help me by giving a big warm 
Hogwarts welcome to 
Professor Umbridge 
(thudding footsteps) 
Severus, I was under the impression that the ministry was 
sending a woman. 
Not this handsome stud muffin. He's dreamy 
A sexy man! 
Harry: Who is that guy? 
Ron: That's no guy. That's Dolores Umbridge. My dad told 
me about her. 
He says she can't be killed. He says she drinks blood. 
Hermione: I read that she used to be the warden of 
Azkaban. 
And that the dementors that work there are only afraid of 
one thing....Her! 
Seamus: I heard one time a dementor kissed her and it 
died. 
Neville: Oh d-d-dear 
Dumbledore: Professor Snape will now escort the boys to 
their dormitories. 
And uh Professor Umbridge has asked to have a word with 
all of you young ladies 
About the girls' dorm 
Snape: Walk this way 
Dumbledore: Well if it isn't Harry f***in Potter 
I haven't seen you since you were a cute little baby. 
Didn't you grow up into a sexy little bitch like your 
father. 
Harry: You knew my dad? 
Dumbledore: I sure did and your mom too. 
Both of them were in Gryffindor house when they came to 
Hogwarts. 
I forget where the scarf put them though. 
Harry: What did you get sorted when you came to Hogwarts? 
Dumbledore: Gay as the fourth of July. 
Oh, you mean from the hat... 
Gryffindor Harry. You should be very proud because 
Gryffindor is the house of the good guys. 
Now you get that cute little tush off to bed you scamp. 
Harry: Oh alright. Bye Dumbledore. 
Dumbledore: Alright 
Scarfy: Alright Dumbledore lets go to bed. 
I'm so over sorting these little bastards. 
Dumbledore: Scarfy 
Scarfy: What? Some of them are bastards. 
That little Draco Malfoy, is he going to be a pain in the 
nose. 
Dumbledore: Oh scarfy! 
Scarfy: Oh Dumbledear. Come on lets go feng shui your 
office. 
Dumbledore: Oh yeah I feel like I'm missing a water 
element. 
Scarfy: Follow me! 
Umbridge: Uh hem! 
Now girls, I know that this is your first year at 
Hogwarts. 
And I know that some of you might be nervous or 
frightened. 
But girls I'm here to make your time at Hogwarts as... 
Totally awesome as possible. 
Because girls, I'm not just a teacher or security officer. 
In fact I like to think of all of you as my daughters. 
And that makes me your mamaaaaa. 
And a very loving and caring mama I am. 
So for all of us girls to get along in the girls dormitory 
this year.. 
There are just some very simple rules that must be obeyed. 
Rule Number one- No boys..... 
unless they're cute!! 
Rule number two- No alcohol.... 
unless there's plenty to go around! 
Stop it girls I'm bad!! 
And rule number three- No parties..... 
unless Umbridge is invited! 
Girls, girls, girls. You keep me young girls. You keep me 
young. 
Der der der der der der 
But seriously girls if I do catch you with any boys or 
alcohol 
I'm going to rip your perky little boobs off. 
That's right. From now on we going to be doing things 
around here my way 
We going to be doing things around here the UMBRIDGE way!! 
Lavender: (crying) 
(screaming) 
I'm sorry did I make you cry you chubby little f**k! 
That's all right...human tears are very natural. 
In fact when I was a young human tears would flow from my 
eyeballs all the time. 
Until one day when my mama Umbridge said to me 
Delores, girl, you put down that cheesecake, 
you throw out that fondue, 
and you get up off of that couch girl. 
Get on up! 
Sit down!! 
And from that moment forward I picked up anything that I 
could find and I hoisted it over my head. 
And I ate nothing but protein shakes, falcon eggs, and 
rocks. 
Because I'll tell you girls it's a man's world out there. 
And to get ahead you gotta be stronger than a man 
You gotta be a wo-man! 
I am wo-man hear me SMASH!! 
So get up girls.. get on up and fall in! 
Dress up that line. 
It's your mama Umbridge's job to keep her baby bears safe. 
And I'm going to do just that! 
(kissing noises) 
And to do that I'm gonna toughen you girls up. 
From this day forward you're gonna do five hundred push 
ups a day. 
Except for you Cho Chang. You don't got to do a God-damn 
thing. 
Cho: Goody! 
Umbridge: Yeah because everybody already just thinks that 
you're God-damn perfect. 
Don't they? 
Cho: Well I certainly hope I haven't given them any reason 
not to think so! 
Umbridge and Cho: (laughing) 
Umbridge: And funny too! 
Isn't she just a f***in peach girls, don't we just f***in 
love her? 
Lesson number one girls, little skanks like her are always 
going to get whatever they want. 
And the rest of you, you are going to have to eat each 
other to get ahead. 
Because that's just the way the world works for frumpy 
little turds like us. 
I mean... like you! 
Now girls get on upstairs and brush them cute little teeth 
of yours 
And if I catch you outside bed past 2100 hours 
I won't be afraid to stick a red hot curling iron up them 
cute little perky butt holes of yours. 
Because thats what my mama did to me and I won't be afraid 
to do it to my daughters. 
Lights out!! 
 
Act 1 Scene 4 
(bell ringing) 
CHO: Good morning, Gryffindors 
SEAMUS: Good morning, Miss Chang 
DEAN: Carry your books for you? 
[Seinfeld noise] 
RON: Charms sucks, Potions sucks, Transfiguration sucks 
HARRY: The best class is definitely Satanic Rituals 
HERMIONE: Hey guys! So where we headed? 
RON: Woah woah woah! No, no, no. Harry and I are going to 
Quidditch try-outs. 
HERMIONE: Quidditch! But you can't try out for Quidditch! 
My parents say that sports are bad for your teeth. 
RON: I don't care. 
HERMIONE: Why don't we try out for an extra-curricular 
activity 
that's intellectually stimulating and teeth-friendly? 
We could try out for Wizard Chess Club or Wizard Debate 
HARRY: Ok, listen, why don't you go do that lame, boring 
stuff 
Ron and I are gonna do the fun, dangerous stuff! RON: 
Yeah! 
HERMIONE: Or we could do something together! 
RON: No, Herman, we can't. 
because Harry and I want to have fun and get girlfriends 
and we can't do that with you just sagging along all the 
time 
So, why don't you go hang out with Moaning Myrtle? 
HERMIONE: Because she thinks I'm annoying 
HERMIONE: You know, maybe I'll just try out for Quidditch 
I mean, it's not like you can kick me off the field. 
LUPIN: Ugh! Puke my guts out. 
Hey guys, who invited Boo Radley? 
ALL: (laughing) 
LUPIN: Get the hell off the field, Herman! 
I'm not kidding. Beat. It. 
Alright, guys. Who's ready to win the House Cup? 
ALL: Wooo! 
LUPIN: That's what I like to hear. So... 
What have we got here? Quidditch! 
The most ancient and silliest of all Wizarding sports. 
As some of you may know, the Gryffindor pee-wee team 
hasn't won a match in 14 years. 
but I think that with me as your coach and you little 
stallions as my team, 
there's no way we're losing to Slytherin, or Ravenclaw 
or Jigglypuff. 
Alright, so! Who here has ever played Quiditch before? 
That's ok, that's ok. Uh... 
How about riding a broom? Anyone ever ridden a broom 
before? 
RON: I was just stretching 
LUPIN: Oh 
Alright... has anyone ever thrown or caught a ball? 
NEVILLE: Something was thrown at me once. 
HARRY: Yeah it was RON: Woo! 
LUPIN: Gotta work with what you got. Alright... 
Thomas, Finnegan, let's go. 
SEAMUS: Seamus, gov'nor DEAN: Yeah what up, boss? 
LUPIN: Alright, I want you guys to take these and practice 
hitting each other with them, ok? 
You guys are the Beaters. 
DEAN: Is this right? 
LUPIN: Yes Dean, that's good. That's very good. 
Ron, you're Keeper. 
Alright. 
Harry! Harry, come here 
HARRY: Yeah, coach? 
LUPIN: Listen, Harry. You're really the most important 
guy, ok? 
See this thing? It's called the Snitch. 
Now during the game, it's gonna sprout wings and fly all 
over this giant stadium. 
and it's your job to catch it. 
HARRY: That sounds easy enough. 
LUPIN: Alright. You're the Seeker, Harry. Just like your 
dad. 
HARRY: You knew my dad? 
LUPIN: Yeah, I knew him. He and I used to play Quidditch 
together. 
[Reminiscent music plays] 
I don't know if you know this Harry, but... 
I was your dad's best friend. 
HARRY: I thought the traitor, Sirius Black, was my dad's 
best friend. 
LUPIN: Nope. 
Who... who told you that? Did your dad tell you that? 
HARRY: Um, well I didn't get a chance to talk to him after 
he died. 
LUPIN: Good. It was probably just hearsay then. 
Alright, let's play some Quidditch! 
Harry, get on a broom there and make my best friend proud. 
SNAPE: Hey, who's that? Hagrid? 
LUPIN: No it's not Hagrid. Snape! What are you even doing 
here? 
Gryffindor has the field today, I reserved it weeks ago. 
SNAPE: Not according to my schedule. Slythereen has the 
field. 
So that we may train our new Seeker, Draco Malfoy. 
LUPIN: Alright. Listen, that is impossible, ok. I've got a 
slip from Dumbledore. 
Maybe... maybe he accidentally signed the field out to 
both of- 
SNAPE: That's absurd! 
LUPIN: You're absurd! 
SNAPE: What?! Say that again to my face. 
LUPIN: You're absurd! SNAPE: That's absurd! 
BOTH: AHH! 
SNAPE: Let's see this slip from Dumbledore, if it really 
does exist. 
LUPIN: Fine, I've got it right here. 
(cat meowing) (all screaming) 
LUPIN: Just keep that... keep that thing out of my thing, 
ok? 
HERMIONE: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. 
LUPIN: What was I even doing? 
SNAPE: The slip. 
LUPIN: Ugh... 
Alright, here. 
SNAPE: Why this is preposterous. I demand to see 
Dumbledore at once. 
LUPIN: Fine. Let's go. 
SNAPE: Alright, let's go. 
HARRY: Well if they're gonna be awhile, might as well take 
this time to bust out a funky tune. 
RON: Woo!  
NEVILLE: Yeah! 
Draco: Hey Potter, Hey Potter, Potter, Potter  
Harry: What, Malfoy? 
Draco: I drew a picture of you 
Harry: Okay.. 
Draco: Do you see what's happening to you in it? 
It's you getting hit in the head with a quaffle. 
Goyle: [laughs] 
Draco: Don't you feel foolish? 
Look, that's me, that one, that's me 
And I'm in the background laughing and pointing at you 
We're having a right good time, aren't we? 
Pay special attention to the shading on your sweater 
It's rather good 
It's actually quite good 
It's probably, it's probably the best I've ever done 
Actually, can I have that back? 
Wait, no I'm taking it 
What do you think of that, Potter, huh? 
I've stolen your favorite drawing 
Look, what do you think of this? 
No! 
Goyle, paste it! 
Now look at what you've done, Potter 
You wait till my father hears about this 
He'll say, Draco, you goddamn little poofer 
Why don't you stop your whining and learn how to use the 
potty like a normal human 
And then 
And then, he will pull down my diaper and scold me for the 
mess I've left in it 
And spank my cheeks as red as cherries 
Harry: That really sucks Malfoy, but I just can't believe 
you still wear a diaper 
[Kids laughing] 
Draco: All respectable wizards do 
How do you expect me to use a potty, I could fall into 
that monstrosity 
At least, I can draw 
Hermione: You know what Malfoy, leave Harry alone, I mean 
it's not like that drawing's that good 
Kids: Ohhhh 
Malfoy: Not that good? 
Let's see you try to draw something better, you little 
mudblood 
Ron: HEY! 
Yeah, Herman 
Let's see you draw something right now, in front of 
everyone 
(Everyone Shouting) 
Harry: You guys, guys stop, stop it 
This is no way to go about this, okay 
I got just the thing 
 
[Hermione Can’t Draw plays] 
 
Snape: Granger, don't you have somewhere else to be? 
Ron: Yeah 
Hermione: Do I have somewhere to be? No 
 
[Coolest Girl plays]  
 
Act 1 Scene 5 
 
Snape: Attention all Hogwarts students, 
In celebration of all Hallow's eve, 
we'll be taking a trip up to Hogsmead. 
Please gather in the courtyard with your signed Hogsmead 
permission form. 
Students without their permission form will be killed 
No! 
But they won't be allowed to go and it's going to be a 
whole lot of fun. 
Draco: You know, Goyle, using the potty's not so bad. 
I dunno why I was so afraid of it all those years 
I think I was concerned about falling in, but 
I have found if I climb on top of the potty, right 
and I put one foot on either side of the potty-hole rim 
I get a firm footing, I'm actually quite safe. 
And you know, using the potty's a great time to socialize 
You simply, you look over to the stall next to you 
And you say, have a right chat with your neighbor! 
Oh! Hello there, good sir. First time using the potty, 
too, eh? 
Good luck, my man. 
And then, simply squat 
Like so 
And I do my business 
In my diaper as usual 
And then 
I un-do the side latches 
and let the diaper simply fall into the potty! 
Yes 
Father will hear of this. 
Umbridge: Permission form to Hogsmead? 
Have fun at Hogsmead. 
Permission form to Hogsmead? 
Have fun at Hogsmead. 
Permission form to Hogsmead? 
Harry: Uh, no, I'm Harry Potter 
[Umbridge laughs] 
[Laughter increases] 
[Harry joins in the laughter] 
Umbridge: DUH DUH DUH DUH 
I'm sorry! 
I didn't realize I was in the presence of royalty. 
Harry: Aw, it's okay. 
Oh my God, everybody, look! It's Harry freaking Potter 
[Kids cheer] 
Oh my God, he is so dreamy 
And he's so rich and famous 
Mr. Potter, Mr. Potter 
Would you play me a little song on your guitar? 
Oh wait oh wait, Mr. Potter, Mr. Potter 
Will you sign my boob? 
Oh alright, right over here. 
I wonder what would happen 
if I just 
broke your fingers? 
Because then you wouldn't be able to play the guitar 
anymore 
and then all your little friends would just 
leave you alone 
and then you'd be 
just like Umbridge 
[whispering] Except Umbridge can kick yo ass 
Now you a rule breaker, Potter 
and it's time for your punishment 
Harry: What punishment? 
Umbridge: Oh it's nothing too bad 
You just gotta [sword swish] take this knife 
put it upright on a chair 
and sit on it, Potsy! 
Neville: Excuse me, miss. 
Umbridge: Who disrespecting Umbridge? 
You wanna die, Schlongbottom? 
Neville: N-n-no, ma'am! 
I just came to deliver these. 
Umbridge: What are those? 
Speak, boy! 
Neville: F-f-flowers, f-f-for you. 
Umbridge: F-f-flowers, f-f-for me? 
This must be some kind of mistake. 
Neville: N-n-no mistake, ma'am. 
I was told explicitly to bring them to you. 
Umbridge: Put them on the ground and back away quickly! 
Ron & Seamus: Whoa, whoa whoa 
They don't seem explosive 
but poisonous. 
They smell absolutely delightful. 
And they're Snapdragons! 
Oh my God, that is my favorite! 
Who could've known that? 
Neville: Why don't you read the card, ma'am? 
Umbridge: Okay, little boy! 
It says 'dear Umbridge' 
That's me! 
'I thought you might like these, cutie.' 
[Gasp] Oh my! 
Neville: May I ask who this gentleman caller is? 
Umbridge: Sure! 
It's signed big D. 
I wonder who that could be! 
Thank you, little boy! 
[Neville screams] 
Oh, Potter! 
Um. 
What was I saying again? 
Harry: You were telling me to sit on a knife. 
Umbridge: [laughing] 
That's right! 
How silly of me. 
Well it sounds like your momma got a little bit carried 
away with herself 
but she's not an unreasonable momma, 
in fact, she's pretty cool, right? 
Right! 
So what do you girls say we all go on down to Hogsmead and 
have a little bit of fun, huh? 
Hogsmead, Hogsmead, everyone! 
Kids: Wooooo! 
Have fun at Hogsmead! 
Have fun at Hogsmead 
Have fun at Hogsmead. 
Not you, Potter, you still need a permission form. 
Ron: Well I'll tell you all about it, 
it's probably gonna suck 
Harry: Bye, Ron. 
What's the matter, Malfoy, you're not going to Hogsmead? 
Draco: Certainly not, it's beneath my dignity. 
Harry: Whatever. 
[Piano music] 
Draco: Dear Pappa 
I am writing to inquire 
about my Hogsmead permission form. 
I sent it to you on the very first day of school 
and I am anxiously awaiting its return 
with your signature on it 
but but but don't rush, daddy 
missing out on trips like this allows me more time 
to write letters to you 
Yes, things at Hogwarts are going quite swimmingly 
I'm the most popular boy at school, 
why, even Harry Potter likes me 
I'm also the darling of every classroom 
and the favorite of every professor who has any sense. 
Oh, oh! 
Most importantly 
I have mastered 
the use of the potty! 
Yes, yes, I admit I was a late bloomer, but 
you can imagine my pride as I strolled into Charms class 
and said: oh, hello, gents, 
Professor Flitwick, 
Sorry for my tardiness, I was just 
learning how to use 
the potty! 
How the children laughed with me in celebration! 
I like making people laugh, 
I also like the potty. 
I know you haven't done so all year, but 
you can feel free to write me anytime. 
Hugs and butterfly kisses, 
Your Draco 
Oh, p.s., 
Tell mamma to bugger off 
Hedwig: Hoot hoot! 
Seamus Finngan! 
Letter for Seamus Finngan! 
Draco: You there, bird. 
Hedwig: Yes, Malfoy? 
Draco: Do you have anything in there for me? 
Perhaps from my daddy? 
Hedwig: Well let's see here. 
Mmmm, 
nope, sorry, kid, 
nothing from Lucius Malfoy. 
Hey, cheer up, kid! 
Do you want a Toys R Us catalog? 
Draco: No! 
I just want to know why my daddy won't write! 
Hedwig: Listen, kid 
I don't have all the answers 
I don't even know why I can talk, really 
but as another talking animal once said: 
All fathers care for their sons. 
So hang in there, okay? 
Draco: Thanks 
Goodbye, Hedwig. 
Hedwig: Goodbye 
[caws] 
[caws in the distance] 
Lupin: Hey, Harry 
Harry Potter 
Hi 
You wanna go to Hogsmead or not? 
Harry: Ugh, more than anything! 
Lupin: Well then feast your eyes on this! 
The marauder's map! 
Harry: What? 
Lupin: It shows the current location of everyone 
inside Hogwarts, and also has all the secret passages 
out of the castle. 
Here, take it. 
Harry: Wow, who made this thing? 
Lupin: Well, I certainly helped ha ha 
No, but it was me, your dad, some other guy, 
and Sirius Black. 
Harry: You mean my dad's traitor best friend? 
Lupin: No, NO! 
I am your dad's traitor best friend! 
I'm your dad's traitor 
No! 
I am your dad's best friend, okay? 
Don't forget it. 
Snape: Hey, Lupin! 
Want to go look at the full moon with me? 
Ha ha, zombie! 
Lupin: Snape! 
Alright, Harry, I gotta go 
Listen, just stay out of the Shrieking Shack, okay? 
I'm a werewolf in there. 
Harry: Wait what? 
 
Act 1 Scene 6 
Umbridge: All right, children, have fun in Hogsmead 
[Students Cheering] 
Umbridge: Oh, and don't get killed by Sirius Black 
Kid in the background: Who's Sirius Black? 
Mama sure does have some mischievous little scamps, does't 
she, big D? 
Dumbledore: In case you were wondering, 
the D 
stands for my weiner. 
Umbridge: Dumbledore, you sent me the Snapdragons didn't 
you? 
Dumbledore: Oh yeah 
Umbridge: That was so sweet. 
Dumbledore: Well I am the headmaster it's my job to make 
all the faculty at Hogwarts feel at home. 
So what do you say Umbridge, how bout we hop on the good 
foot 
Head down to The Three Broomsticks 
and I will treat you the the traditional welcome to 
Hogwarts body shot. 
Umbridge: Dumbledore! Do you really do body shots off all 
the new teachers? 
Dumbledore: Only the handsome ones. 
Umbridge: Dumbledore! 
Making me blush. 
Dumbledore: Oh yeah? 
 
[Gettin’ Along plays] 
 
Act 1 Scene 7 
 
Seamus: So, you guys ever hear the one about Sirius Black 
and Flitwick's little brother? 
So 
Flitwick's little brother is walking down the streets of 
London 
And Sirius Black 
he's in this storm drain 
dressed as a clown 
And he's like 
Yo, hey, 
Flitwick's little brother! 
Down here in this storm drain! 
It's me! 
A clown! 
And Flitwick's little brother is like 
Yeah, chap, what you want? 
And Sirius Black is like 
Ohhh! 
Flitwick's little brother! 
You gotta get down to this storm drain with me 
Because you're 
missing out! 
We've got a carnival down here! 
We've got loads of cotton candy 
and balloons! 
and the kid practically flips! 
He goes: 
I gotta get down there! 
That sounds like a right treat, that does! 
So 
He reaches down his arm, right 
but Sirius Black, he grows his mad teeth 
and he bites the kid's 
HEAD OFF!!! 
[Lavendar cries] 
And two days later 
that kid died. 
Dean: Man, 
that is the biggest piece of bullshit I ever heard. 
Cho: I think that's pretty scary, 
but have y'all ever heard of the Shrieking Shack? 
Ron: Shrieking Shack? 
My brother Fred says it's 
[gulps] 
haunted. 
Cho: That's right. 
It's the most haunted place in all of Great Britain. 
And it's right over yonder. 
Dean: Nah man, I hear they got monsters up in there 
Seamus: Yeah? 
Oliver Wood lost a quaffle in there once. 
He went in to get it 
[yelling] AND HE NEVER CAME OUT!!!! 
[Lavender cries] 
Cho: Why don't we go check it out? 
Seamus: Are you nuts? 
No! 
Cho: Come on, y'all are Gryffindors! 
Where's your sense of Halloween adventure? 
Ron: I got a right mind to stay out of that place on 
Halloween. 
Cho: Okay, how's bout this 
I will give a big fat kiss 
to whoever is brave enough to go up there 
and ring the doorbell. 
Anyone? 
Hermione: I'll do it! 
Ron: Herman? 
Hermione: I'm not afraid of the Shrieking Shack! 
Everything I've ever read tells me 
those urban legends are just old wives' tales. 
Cho: Yeah but see here's the thing, 
I'm not kissing you, Herman. 
Hermione: I don't want a kiss from you, Cho 
I want something better. 
Seamus: Better than a kiss from Cho Chang? 
Hermione: I want you to carry my books for the rest of the 
semester! 
Gryffindors: Oooooh 
Cho: Okay, well 
if we are raising the stakes, then 
ringing the doorbell just won't do. 
You have to go in there and 
DRAW us a picture of the monster! 
Hermione: What! 
But you know that I can't draw! 
..without a pad of paper. 
Neville: Well it just so happens I have a sketch pad right 
here. 
Hermione: Well this is useless without a pencil. 
Neville: Well you're lucky I came so prepared. 
Hermione: Well do I get a flash light or something? 
Cho: Lumos! 
Seamus: I know, 
she could shine it up through the back of the paper 
and trace it. 
Cho: No tracin', Herman, 
I'll be able to tell! 
Hermione: All right! 
Well, 
Here I go! 
Ron: Hermana-nana 
Hermana 
Hermana-nana-noy 
Um 
You don't have to do this, 
what's it gonna prove? 
Hermione: That maybe somebody in this school 
cares if I live or die! 
Cho: [singing] I wouldn't count on it. 
[Wolf howling] 
Seamus: Bloody shit! 
What is that? 
Dean: Let's get out of here! [Lavendar cries] 
[Kids screaming] 
Harry: Whoa, hey, whoa hey, 
what's going on, what's going on? 
Ron: Whoa, Herman went into the Shrieking Shack 
and the monster that lives in there is pissed. 
Harry: Well hey, Ron, we gotta go save her. 
Ron: But 
Harry, she's 
she's not even our friend. 
 
Act 1 Scene 8 
 
Harry: Ron, come on, man 
Harry: Uhh 
Her-her-may-nee 
Ron: Hermano 
Both: Hermano, Hermano 
Harry: Hermana 
Ron: Hermoingo-oingo-boingo 
Ron: Hermana-mana-nana 
Harry: Hermano 
Ron: Hermano nucleosis 
Ron: Hermana 
[Boys scream] 
[Hermione screams] 
Harry: Oh, it's just Herman 
Ron: Herman, you're the monster? 
[Growl] 
[Kids scream] 
Harry: Quick, we gotta get out of here. 
There's another monster in here 
and this one's probably not as friendly. 
Hermione: Oh good idea, let's go! 
Hey, what's this? 
Harry: What's that? 
Hermione: It's Lupin's broach! 
But why is it in the Shrieking Shack? 
Harry: Yeah, especially since he told me to stay out of 
here. 
Kids: Yeah.. 
[Growl] 
Ron: Harry... 
Ron: It's a... 
It's a... 
All: A VAMPIRE!!! 
[Kids scream] 
Hermione: What do we do? 
Harry: I have my wand in my bag! 
[Crookshanks screeches] 
[Kids screaming] 
Harry: You like this? You like this? 
Go get it! 
[Glass breaks] 
Hermione: No, Crookshanks! 
Ron: Quick, let's go, while it's distracted. 
Harry: Let's go hide in the woods 
Ron: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! That's the Forbidden Forest 
All sorts of creepy creatures live in there. 
Harry: Well it's either here or the Shrieking Shack. So 
let's go. 
Ron: I can't believe it! 
We're going from the scariest place in the world to the 
scariest place in the world. 
Harry: Let's take cover behind this fallen tree here. 
Are you alright, Herman? 
Hermione: Yeah, I'm alright. Are you alright, Ron? 
Ron: I will be 
after a red vine. 
Harry: Listen 
Hermano 
Why would you go in the Shrieking Shack if you knew there 
was a monster in there? 
Aren't you the one that's always telling us not to go out 
and do dangerous stuff never to have any kind of 
Hermione: Fun? 
Harry: Yeah 
Oh, yes 
Hermione: You know, I just thought that if for once if I 
did something crazy 
then maybe you guys would like me. 
Ron: Yeah, well you thought wrong. 
Harry: No, no listen, Hermione 
Hermione: You, you said my name right. 
Harry: Just now, did I? Hermione: Yeah! 
Harry: Herman Monster? 
Hermione: That is close enough. 
Harry: Listen, you don't need to pretend to be something 
you're not just to get people to like you. 
I mean just look at me. 
Hermione: Yeah, but you're Harry Potter 
Harry: Yes, but maybe in the Wizarding World that's true 
But in the Muggle World 
I'm just a 
I'm something called a douchebag. 
Hermione: A what? 
Harry: A douchebag, Herman 
I play guitar when everybody just wants to hang out 
and.... 
I make weird covers of Disney songs. Who does that? 
See, see Muggles hate that shit. 
To them I'm just a douchebag...I'm like 
I don't know, I'm like 
Jesse McCartney? 
I'm like Jesse McCartney 
I'm Jesse McCartney's douche 
Ron: I've got a confession to make, too 
Back home, around my brothers, 
I'm kind of a douchebag, too 
I'm like Shia Labeouf 
The Prince Douche 
Harry: But hey, that's okay 
Because at Hogwarts it's cool to be who you are 
It's cool to be unique 
That's alright. So, hey, 
Maybe you're not very pretty 
Like Cho Chang. 
Maybe you're not as fun, like Ron 
Ron: Or cool, like Snape 
Harry: You know what 
You are smart! 
Like 
Hermione 
And I for one 
would love to have a friend who could do my Ancient Runes 
essay 
Hermione: You mean it? 
Harry: Yup cause it's due tomorrow 
Hermione: Harry! Ron! Come here! 
Ron: Oh my God, you're so soft! Harry: Thanks 
Hermione: You guys really like me? 
Harry: Well there is just some things in life you can't go 
through 
Without becoming friends afterwards 
Namely one of them being taking on a twelve foot vampire. 
Harry: AHHHHHH!! We're dead as shit, we're dead! 
Ron: I regret nothing. Hermione: I'm in with love you 
both! 
Firenze: None shall harm Harry Potter whilst I still draw 
breath. 
Back, back you cowardly thing! 
Run, you creature of the night 
And know that these woods belong to Centaurs and their kin 
Do not worry, Harry Potter and co, the beast is gone 
Harry: Who are you? 
Firenze: Rise. Call me Firenze. 
It in the Centaur tongue means Friend. 
Harry: Thank you. How did you know-- 
Firenze: Know to save you? 
The leader of my tribe is a wise and powerful being 
He has seen the future 
and has charged the Centaurs with your protection, Harry 
For you are destined for great things. 
Hermione: I'd read that Centaurs were close to extinct but 
I never thought I'd get to see one in real life. 
Firenze: It is true, 
we Centaurs are a dying breed 
Due to a magical plague many moons ago 
All females of our kind have perished 
We have long searched for a human mate 
but none have ever survived 
Harry: Like what, what do they have to survive? 
Firenze: Survived coitus, Harry 
Harry: What's coitus? 
Oh, they died because of your giant horse dong 
Ah, that's that's funny 
Firenze: Yes, it sounds like a funny problem 
But it's actually not 
Harry: Oh, I'm so sorry. 
Firenze: It's alright. 
Listen 
We've got to get you kids back to Hogwarts castle 
Harry, unless the stars are mistaken 
You've got a Quidditch game that you must be well rested 
for. 
Harry: Wow thanks, Firenze, you're so cool. 
Firenze: I sure am! 
Well, get on my back. 
To Hogwarts! 
 
Act 1 Scene 9 
Rita: Good Morning, Wizarding World 
Rita Skeeter here 
reporting to you live from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft 
and Wizardry 
It's dawn out here on the Quidditch field 
as we prepare to bear witness 
to the epic battle 
between peewee Gryffindor 
and Slytherine teams 
Today, dear readers 
it will be decided which team deserves to be remembered as 
champions 
and who will forever be disgraced at eternal weenies 
Why, what do we have here? 
You there! 
Nerd! 
What can you tell us about this gruesome site, young man? 
Neville: Well that's our coach, Professor Lupin 
It appears he's killed a beautiful doe in some kind of 
blood lust. 
Lupin: Whoa! Oh God help me. What the? Who'd I kill? 
Rita: Good morning, Mr. Lupin my name is Rita Skeeter and 
I'm a reporter for the Daily Prophet. 
Lupin: Oh hi 
Rita: Care to explain what is going on here? 
Lupin: Well, I think everybody is just getting excited for 
a nice game of Quidditch. 
I know my team's raring to go. 
Rita: No, I'm referring to the slaughtered doe 
and the fact that your entire person is soaked in blood. 
Lupin: Uhhhh, well..... 
Well, uhhhhhh.... 
It's tradition 
Yes, it's tradition that every game 
before, before the match the Gryffindor 
peewee Quidditch team kill a defenseless doe 
And devour it 
Uhhh, in doing so 
we are able to absorb the power and ferocity 
of a doe. 
That's pretty cool. Huh, Schlongbottom? 
Nevilee: That's Bambi mom 
Lupin: Ok. Ha ha. Just eat the doe, Schlongbottom. 
Neville: I couldn't! 
Lupin: Eat it! Num num na. Na na 
That's good 
Rita: Muh muh muh Mr. Lupin 
Mr. Lupin 
It's widely rumored that you engaged in a heated quarrel 
with a one Severus Snape 
What do you make of the allegations made by Professor 
Snape that you are, and I quote 
'Unfit to teach children, are a danger to yourself and 
others 
have never graduated Hogwarts and are a washed up 
loser' 
Lupin: That's bullshit! [Neville gasps] 
I mean those are half truths 
Listen you can..you can tell Snape that he's a jerk! 
And you can quote me on that 
Rita: Why dear readers, I am starstruck 
Entering the scene is none other than Harry Freakin' 
Potter the Gryffindor Seeker 
Harry: How's it hanging, Daily Prophet? 
Rita: Harry, kid, good luck on the game. 
It's time for spectators to take their seats for what's 
shaping up to be a truly remarkable game of Qudditch 
Rita Skeeter signing out. 
Dumbledore: What's the goofiest thing you've ever done? 
Because I bet I just topped it! 
Snape: I doubt it. 
My actions led directly to the death of the only thing 
I've ever loved. 
Dumbledore: This is probably twice as funny as that, 
Severus. 
I was just at Hogsmeade treating Professor Umbridge to the 
traditional welcome to Hogwarts body shot, you know? 
Snape: Oh, of course. 
Dumbledore: And the two of us really hit it off. There was 
this little song, little dance. 
To make a long story short, 
we ended up going home together. 
Snape: Oh, headmaster! 
Dumbledore: Severus, let me finish. 
So Umbridge slips out of that hideous outfit and would you 
believe it 
Professor Umbridge, get this, 
is a woman! 
Snape: Noo Dumbledore: Oh yeah 
Snape: What did you do? 
Dumbledore: Well the first thing that came out of my mouth 
was, 
Ahhhhhhhhh 
Then I did the only thing that would make the whole 
situation less awkward for everybody. 
Snape: What's that? 
Dumbledore: I disapparated. 
Snape: No! 
Dumbledore: Yeah Snape: You didn't? Dumbledore: I did 
Snape: Oh headmaster I told you, you have to deal with 
these things. 
It's like that one time I made out with Professor 
Grubbly-Plank 
She got 
clingy 
You have to confront them, tell them they "don't have what 
you're looking for." 
Dumbledore: Severus, these things just tend to blow over. 
It was like that time when everyone was complaining... 
Hey Dumbie, you have to expel Tom Riddle from Hogwarts 
becuase he's evil. And I just told them to stuff it. 
And eventually everything just worked itself out. 
Just like that you know. 
[Phone ringing] 
God, I'm blowing up. 
Oh, god damnit 
Snape: What? 
Dumbledore: It's a text from Umbridge. 
It says 
'we need to talk' 
colon, right parenthesis 
Snape: [laughing] 
Oh I do not envy you 
[Phone ringing] 
Oh sorry that's me 
What the devil? 
Dumbledore: What? Snape: It's a BBM from Umbridge 
'Are you with Dumbledore? Did he get my text?' 
Now you drag me into this?! 
Dumbledore: If you ignore it maybe she'll just 
go away. Umbridge: Did you get my text? 
Dumbledore: Oh my god 
Hey, yes 
Umbridge: Well you didn't text me back 
And you left so quickly last night that I didn't get a 
change to say... 
Dumbledore: Yeah about that 
Umbridge:...That last night was the most amazing night of 
my life. 
Dumbledore: Oh yeah? 
Umbridge: I love you 
Dumbledore: Ahhhhhhhhhhh 
Umbridge: Me too 
Snape: Oh god I can't watch this. Listen, Umbridge 
the headmaster is terrible with confrontation 
What's he's trying to say is really he's just not that 
into you. 
Umbridge: WHAT? 
You don't know a god damn thing about our magical night 
together 
you fucking little Snape in the grass. 
He loves me, he's the only man who loves me. 
We're gonna be happy 
and you're gonna die 
Dumbledore: Umbridge Umbridge Umbridge, stop! 
He's right, he's right 
Umbridge: What? 
Dumbledore: I don't wanna be with you. 
I was only hitting on you because I thought you were a 
sexy man. 
Maybe if you were a man I 
Umbridge: No! 
Umbridge: No...I'm proud to be a woman 
I am a strong woman 
Hear me smash 
Dumbledore: Umbridge, I'm sorry. I just made a big goofy. 
I'm sorry if I got your hopes up. 
And I'm sorry if I went around telling everybody about our 
sexual exploits. 
I only did it because I thought it would make them laugh. 
I mean, they did laugh. A lot! 
I mean come on, it's funny. 
Umbridge: No. What are these? Tears. No. Umbridge you 
don't cry. 
Umbridge don't cry. 
You don't cry 
Yes, you do cry. 
You do cry you chubby little fuck. 
That's all I am is a chubby little fuck. 
Snape: Are you crying? Is she crying? 
Dumbledore: She's laughing. I mean it is pretty funny. 
[Snape and Dumbledore laughing] 
Umbridge: Wahhh...I will destroy you. 
I will grind your bones to make my bread. 
I will erase everything that you ever were. 
And I will have your job. Mark my words, Dumbledore! 
I'LL HAVE YOUR JOB!!! 
[Umbridge running off stage crying] 
Dumbledore: Uh, Severus who do you think is going to win 
the big game, huh? 
Snape: Gryffindor, sadly 
Dumbledore: Oh good 
Snape: Draco is such a little shit 
Lucius: Tell me about it 
Dumbledore: Hey Lucius  
Lucius: Hey 
Snape: Why Lucius Malfoy 
Lucius: It's been a long time, Severus. 
Snape: I didn't expect to see you here. 
I received a letter saying you would be too busy to attend 
any games this year. 
Lucius: Yes I am... in a way 
But you know how I love Quidditch, I never miss a game 
Especially one whose outcome means a great deal to me. 
Snape: Oh yes? And what's so important about this 
particular Quidditch game? 
Lucius: Well let's just say 
I've made a large wager that weighs heavily on the outcome 
of this game. 
Which is why I hope you won't object I've made some last 
minute replacements to your team. 
Snape: Replacements? 
Lucius: Yes, let me introduce you. Yaxley! 
Yaxley: Hey, coach 
Lucius: Here they are. All new transfers to Hogwarts and 
all exceptional Quidditch players. 
Snape: Hi 
Lucius: Yes, now why don't you run along and tell your 
team they'll be sitting this game out. 
Snape: As you wish, Lucius. 
Lucius: Now boys, remember, do whatever you can 
to knock Potter off his broom. 
Make sure the fall is fatal 
And don't forget that when we get on that field 
Draco: It's my daddee!!! 
Daddy, daddy you came to love me! 
Lucius: Point your toes, tuck your pelvis, chin up 
Draco: Daddy, look I drew you a picture. 
It's me on the potty. 
That's you in the background and you're saying that's my 
son 
And the potty, it says 'thank you, Draco, even potties 
need to eat' 
I like that shading on your hair. 
Yaxley: Best I've ever seen 
Lucius: Nobody asked you. 
Yaxley: You didn't trace this or nothing? 
Draco: No 
Yaxley: Wow, well take a look at this, fellows. 
Look at this right here with the paintbrush 
Masked Death Eater: Is that a cross hatching I detect? 
Lucius: SILENCE! 
Get out of here, you cretin! 
And don't forget to kill Harry Potter 
Yaxley: Can I hang onto this? 
Lucius: Keep it 
And you... 
you listen to me, you little poof 
You better not screw this up. 
Draco: I won't. I won't, Daddy, I won't. 
You'll see, you'll love me after this. I'll catch that 
snitch. 
Mark my words! 
[Singing] When I'm on the... 
Hey! 
 
Act 1 Scene 10 
Dumbledore: Let the games begin 
[Whistle] 
Dean: Ohhhhhhh Snap! Ohhhhhhh Snap! 
Dean: Y'all better watch out 
 
[Let the Games Begin plays]  
 
[Whistle] 
Draco: Ah! 
Aaahh 
[Whistle] 
Cho: That's half time, y'all 
Hedwig: Mooo moo moo! 
Package for Harry Potter! Moooooo 
Lucius: You there, bird! What've you got there? 
Urgent package sir, for HP. You seen him? 
Oh I can sign for it, I'm a family friend 
Hedwig: Thanks buddy, you're really helping me out 
Lucius: I'll make sure he gets it 
NOOOOOOOT 
Let's see, what've we got here 
OH 
I hate to ruin Christmas, Potter, but this is one package 
you won't be getting 
Hermione: Hey that belongs to Harry Potter! 
Lucius: So what if it does? 
What makes you think I'd give it to you? 
OH 
I know you 
You're that filthy little mud- 
Hermione: JELLY LEGS JINX 
Lucius: WhoooOOAAA 
Lupin: What the hell was that?! 
You guys are making me look like an idiot out there! 
Dean: Nah man, it's those Slytherin dudes. They're just 
too fast! 
Neville: I give up 
No. NO 
You are not allowed to give up 
Ron: I give up, too 
Harry: I give up three 
Lupin: Harry, no 
Harry: I'm sorry man 
If I could catch up to those asshole Slytherins for like 
maybe two seconds, maybe I could catch the snitch 
But it's like Dean said, they're just, they're too fast 
Well Imma go tell Madam Hooch that we quit 
Dean 
Sorry, Coach 
Dean, please give us another chance 
Hermione: Guys wait, Dean wait 
Look this package just came for Harry, and trust me you're 
gonna wanna look what's inside 
Harry: Gather round, chums 
Neville: Oh dear. Seamus: Bloody tits! 
Dean: I ain't seeing this! 
Harry: What is it? 
Ron: Harry! 
This is a Firebolt! 
Dean: Greatest present in all of kid-dom! 
Seamus: That's the fastest broom in the world, that is! 
Ron: They say that when it takes off, even wizard god 
himself can't follow 
Lupin: Uhhh guys 
I think we're still in this game 
Whad'ya say, Dean? 
Dean: A'righ, a'righ 
[cheers from the Gryffindors] 
Lupin: There we go, we got Dean! 
Please, this is for us 
All right, team cheer on three, ready 
One 
Two 
Three 
Hermione: Good luck Harry! 
And uh good luck to you, too, Ron 
I think you're a really great keeper 
Ok bye 
Ron: Bye. Ow. Bye. Ow. 
Harry: Alright boys, let's go 
Dean: Noooooo 
Harry: What?! What? No way! 
Death Eaters: Waugh. Whoaaaaa. Whoooooa 
Harry: Oh! The Snitch 
Lucius: [in slow motion] KILL HIM 
KILL HIM 
Yaxley: AVADAAA- 
Lucius: NOOOOOOO 
Harry: Argh get out of here! 
Draco: Ugh 
[Grunting] 
Harry: Take this! 
Draco: I'm bleeding! 
Lupin: [in slow motion] HARRY CATCH THAT SNITCH! 
[in slow motion] WHOOOOO 
Rita: Harry Potter's caught the snitch, Gryffindor wins! 
[cheers] 
[chanting] Gryffindor! Gryffindor! Gryffindor! Gryffindor! 
Gryff- 
Lupin: [rasberry noises] 
Lupin: [continues making rasberry noises] 
Who looks stupid now? You do! 
Snape: You'll rue this day Professor Lupin! 
Slytherins retreat! 
Hermione: Harry you did it! 
Lupin: Three cheers for HP ya'll! 
All: Cheers! Cheers! Cheers! 
Lupin: Ah. Harry. Harry. 
Your dad would be so proud of you. 
But more importantly his best friend is proud of you. 
Harry: You mean Sirius Black? 
Lupin: Aha! Aah! 
Just being out here with all of you kids makes me- makes 
me feel like a kid again 
Ron: Oh do you want a Bertie Bott's Every Flavor candy 
bean? 
Lupin: Yeah sure! 
This really takes me back! 
Rita: Well if it isn't the man of the hour, Mr. Remus 
Lupin? 
Lupin: Yup 
Rita: Mr. Lupin, 
how does it feel to have coached the Gryffindor team to 
their first win in 14 years? 
Lupin: Well, let me just say 
[melodic piano] 
That it hasn't been easy. 
I've had a lot of hard times. 
Some people 
have even tried to make me look like a fool. 
But it's moments like these- 
moments like these where I hear that I just- 
Bleargh 
Huck! 
What? 
Bleargh! Blaa! What is this? 
[chokes] 
Aah! It's getting worse! 
Why does it taste this way? 
[chokes some more] 
[choking intensifies] 
[even more choking] 
[one last choke] 
I JUST ATE SHIT! 
I just ate shit! 
[Kids laughing] 
Ron: Come on, party in the Gryffindor Common Room! 
[cheering] 
[chanting] Gryffindor! Gryffindor! 
Lucius: No! No! No! 
Who knew the counter curse was just Unjellify? 
Draco: Well daddy, looks like we lost. 
However I do think I would've caught the snitch 
if Yaxley hadn't landed into my path 
but I think the most important thing here is 
I've had a lot of fun! 
Lucius: How daaare- 
You couldn't stay out of the way for 20 minutes 
could you, you little poof? 
Why I ought to- 
Draco: Oh that's my- 
Lucius: Hah! 
You're not my son! 
Draco: This place has really gone to the dogs. 
 
Act 1 Scene 11 
Hermione: Hello boys! 
[Both]: Hey Hermione 
Hermione: Um, well I'm headed home for winter holiday for 
a few weeks, but 
um before I go, I..I just wanted to give this to you guys 
Happy Christmas 
Ron: Oh I wonder what it is? Harry: I wonder what this 
could be 
Ron: I hope it's a puppy. Both: Puppy, puppy, puppy, 
puppy! 
Harry: A book?! Hermione: Yeah! 
Harry: Gross, Merry Christmas, Ron. 
Hermione: What no! No wait 
It's not just any book. 
It's a scrapbook. I made it of all our memories of our 
first semester at Hogwarts. 
Both: Ohh aww 
Yeah see, here is tickets from the Hogwarts express. 
and here is a clipping from The Prophet 
about that Quidditch game that you guys won last month. 
Harry: Oh yeah, "Remus Lupin Eats Shit, Gryffindor Wins." 
Ron: Hey, Merry Christmas. 
Harry: Merry Christmas to you. 
Both: Mwah! 
Ron: Oh, wow. 
Hey, Hermione, why is there a clipping in here from The 
Prophet 
about Sirius Black? 
Hermione: Because they mentioned Harry in it. 
Ron: Oh, "Before his excape from Azkaban, 
Sirius Black went on the record saying 
'I wanna find Harry Potter,'" that's you, "'and I wanna 
drug and kill him.'" 
Hermione: Are you nervous Harry? 
He is a murderer. 
Harry: No, not really... I mean I live at Hogwarts, it's 
an impenetrable fortress. 
I really dont think any of us have to worry any old thing 
about- 
Snape [yelling]: SIRIUS BLAAAAACK! SIRIUS BLACK! 
Oh, checkmate. SIRIUS BLAAAACK! 
Dumbledore: What about him? 
Snape: He was spotted by the paintings on the third floor. 
The Dogs Playing Poker peed on the carpet! 
And the Screaming Man never looked more terrified. It took 
the entire Last Supper to calm him down! 
Sirius Black has broken into our castle! 
[Everyone screems while Dumbledore yells 'quiet' over and 
over] 
Dumbledore: When you yell, it only makes Sirius want to 
kill you faster! 
Now, Prefects, escort these kiddies to their dorms and 
tuck them in. 
The teachers and I will search the entire castle for 
Sirius Black! 
Harry: (whispering) Sirius Black. 
(normal) Sirius Black. That bastard! 
I'm gonna find him and I'm gonna throw everything, 
everything I know at him. 
I'm talking about lumos, alohamora, jelly legs jinx, 
everything! 
Hermione: Harry, you're better than that! 
Harry: Oh, Jelly legs jinx! 
Hermione: Ah! Ron: Whoa! 
Hermione: Harry, that almost hit me! 
Harry: I'M IN A RAGE! 
This is the maddest I've ever been! 
Sirius Black took everything away from me. He took my 
parents, my whole life, everything! 
And I'm gonna find him with this... 
.. the Marauder's Map. Let's go. 
[Angelic singing] 'La, la, la, la, la' 
[background] 'La, la, la, la, la' Harry: Okay. I think 
Sirius is in here, but it could be wrong. This is a very 
complicated schematic. 
Hermione: I don't know about this, Harry. This room is 
really forbidden. 
Ron: Harry, I'm frightened. 
Harry: Wait do you hear that? 
Hermione: Hear what? 
'La, la, la, la, la' 
 
[Those Voices plays] 
 
Harry: [spoken] Who are these people? Can't you see them? 
Ron: No. 
All I see is myself and I'm inside Willy Wonka's Chocolate 
Factory. 
Hermione's turning into a blueberry and I'm eating her. 
Hermione: I see myself turning into Cho Chang, y'all. 
Harry: What is this thing? 
Sirius: That is the Mirror of Erised, Harry. 
It shows you nothing more or less 
than the deepest and most desperate desire of your heart. 
Those are your parents, Harry. 
Hermione: Harry! Harry, watch out! 
That's Sirius black! 
Ron: Take this, you bastard! Alohomora! 
Sirius: Kids... 
Hermione: Jelly legs jinx! 
Sirius: Unjellify. 
Hermione: Oh! Harry, he's too much for us! 
Harry: Wait, I have one more thing: 
Lumos! 
Sirius: Expelliarmus! 
[screaming] 
Harry, just let me explain — 
Harry: What do you want to explain? 
How you betrayed my parents and killed them? 
Sirius: No! 
I didn't betray your parents and I never killed anybody. 
I was framed. 
I loved your parents, Harry. 
Your dad was my best friend! 
Harry: Why should I believe you? 
Sirius: Because, Harry, when I look in that mirror, 
I see them, too. 
 
[Those Voices continues with Sirius] 
 
Sirius: Harry 
It seems so unfair that 
I got to spend so much time with James and Lily 
and you so little. 
Hermione: I don't know, Harry 
Can we really trust Sirius Black? 
Ron: Yeah, what about that Daily Prophet article 
where you went on the record saying you wanted to find 
Harry 
and that you wanted to drug and kill him? 
Sirius: That's a lie! 
I was magically misquoted by that dumbass Rita Skeeter. 
What I actually said was: 
I want to hug and kiss him! 
Harry: I believe him, guys. 
He saw my parents in the mirror and well.. 
you can't fake that Sirius: No, you can't 
Hermione and Ron: Okay. 
Ron: What are you doing here, Sirius? 
Hermione: Yeah, I mean, if you don't want to kill Harry 
then what's the point in coming to Hogwarts at all? 
Sirius: Well, while I was rotting away in my prison cell 
in Azkaban 
I received a package. 
Attached to it was this note. It reads: 
Dear Sirius Black 
Enclosed is a tool that you can use to escape Azkaban. 
and sneak into Hogwarts 
please hurry 
Harry Potter is in grave danger 
Signed, Little D. 
Hermione: Little D? 
Little Dumbledore! 
Sirius: My thoughts exactly! 
It was nice to know the old man still believed in me 
But anyway I opened the package and inside I found this 
Kids: Whoa...! 
Sirius: It's your father's old invisibility cloak. 
Ha! Ha ha! 
We used to use it to play jokes on Snape 
Ha! And we would solve mysteries and shit, but 
but, here. Your dad wanted you to have this. 
when you were old enough 
Harry: Thanks. 
Hey, Ron! 
am I invisible? 
Ron: Who said that? 
Harry: But Sirius, I don't think I'm in any kind of grave 
danger 
Sirius: Who said that?! 
Oh, Harry, Jesus..! 
It looked like you were in danger during that Quidditch 
match. 
It's a good thing my package made it to you on time 
You really put it to good use! 
Harry: You sent the Firebolt. 
Sirius: Sure did. 
Hermione: Harry. Harry, on the map 
Someone's coming! 
Sirius: Quick, get under the cloak! 
If you guys are seen helping me, you'll all be in really 
big trouble. 
Harry: N-n-no! But if they find you they're gonna send you 
back to Azkaban! 
Sirius: It's fine. It was all worth it 
as long as you know the truth. 
Now quick! Get under the cloak! 
Harry: No, no! 
Snape: Alohomora! 
What the devil is going on here? 
Harry: Nothing. 
Snape: Lies! 
You can't do nothing! 
You must be here for something. 
Or for someone! 
Do you know what the penalty is for aiding a fugitive? 
I'll see you all expelled! Hermione: But we weren't doing 
anything! 
Snape: Shut up, Potter! 
Your arrogance is insufferable just like your deadbeat 
father. 
And like him, it's going to get you killed. 
Now until I find Black, I am going to make your life 
miserable 
You'll wish you were expelled! 
Sirius: Leave him alone! 
You butt trumpet! 
Pft! Pft! Pft! Pft! Pft! Pft! 
Snape: My butt doesn't sound anything like that! 
Sirius: This is what your butt sounds like! Na, na! 
Snape: Expelliarmus! 
Sirius Black. 
I was hoping I would be the one to find you. 
Sirius: Yeah, well, you did. 
So leave the kids out of this. 
Harry: He's innocent! 
Snape: I'll be the judge of that, Potter! 
Sirius: After all these years 
you're still a no-good weiner jacket 
You just can't stand that she picked James over you. 
Snape: Give me a reason! 
Give me a reason, I swear I'll do it! 
Hermione: I wish Dumbledore were here! 
Dumbledore: I am here, night troll! 
Umbridge: AND SO AM I! (Hermione screams) 
Sirius Black. 
Well I've been looking for you a long time. 
Snape: He broke into the castle using this 
Umbridge: What the hell is Potter doing here? 
Snape: Nothing important. 
I believe Black has confunded the children. 
Umbridge: Huh. I think maybe you're the one that's been 
confunded, Snape. 
Look at the name on the tag: 
Potter! 
[Punches Sirius] 
I knew you were guilty from the moment I laid my eyes on 
you three little turds! 
And now you and your loser friends are gonna come with me 
to Azkaban! [Hermione screams] 
Dumbledore: That's impossible! 
Harry didn't help Sirius break in, because.. 
because I did 
(All gasp) 
Snape: Headmaster! 
How could you let this criminal into the castle? 
Scarfy: Especially in that outfit! 
Dumbledore: Scarfie, my reasons are my own. 
Umbridge: Oh, this is just too good 
I told you I was gonna destroy you, Dumbledore 
and now you be dead! 
Unless... 
Dumbledore: Unless what? 
Umbridge: I'll make you a deal, Dumbledore 
You can either kiss the Dementors... 
Or you can kiss... 
Umbridge. 
Hermione: No! No, don't kiss her Dumbledore! 
Sirius: No, Dumbledore, I'm not worth it! 
Dumbledore: I choose... 
I choose neither! 
Snape, it's time to show where your true loyalty lies. 
Take care of the children for me! 
Scarfie: Well, it looks like we're out 
again! 
Dumbledore: Disapparate! 
All: Ahh, magic! 
Umbridge: What?! Where'd he go? 
Snape: He disapparated. 
Umbridge: That's bullshit Snape. You can't disapparate 
inside of Hogwarts, right? 
Right! 
Right! 
Damn it! 
[Kicks Hermione in the face] 
You got lucky, Potter. 
But I know you guilty, too. 
But I'm gonna get all of you! 
Because with Dumbledore gone 
guess who gets to be the Headmaster now? 
Snape: Me? 
Harry: Snape? 
Umbidge: No! 
Me! Your mama! 
Umbridge! 
And from now on we gonna be doing things around here my 
way! 
We gonna be doing things 
THE UMBRIDGE WAY!! 
(all screaming) 
 
 
   
 Act 2 Scene 1 
Snape: Educational Decree #28 
By order of the Ministry of Magic, Dolores Jane Umbridge 
shall replace Albus Dumbledore 
as Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and 
Wizardry. 
Teachers are hereby forbidden from giving out any 
information 
not strictly related to the subject they are paid to 
teach. 
All student teams, societies, clubs, and activities are 
henceforth disbanded. 
That's bullshit. 
Seamus: Bloody bitch! Dean, 
get a load of this month's Daily Prophet! 
Dean: Albus Dumbledore named Public Enemy #1 after it was 
discovered 
he had been aiding dangerous fugitive, Surius Black. 
Dolores Jane Umbridge has now been appointed Headmaster of 
Hogwarts to bring order to the school 
and repair the curriculum. 
Seamus: Repair the curriculum! Is that what she calls 
ruling the whole bloody school? 
Cho: Are y'all talking about the horrible things that are 
going on here since Umbridge was named Headmaster? 
It's awful! It's just awful! 
Dean: Damn straight. 
Seamus: Yeah, she's cancelled Quidditch, gotten rid of the 
trips to Hogsmeade, got rid of the feasts, painted over 
the paintings, 
and now, she's got the Ghostbusters breathing down Nearly 
Headless Nick's nearly headless neck. 
Cho: Not to mention, she has cancelled the annual 
Valentine's Day Feel 'er Up Dance and replaced it 
with a nasty ol' abstinence rally. 
How am I supposed to stay abstinent when I have got a 
reputation to maintain? 
Professor Flitwick is gonna fail me, now. 
I just wanna die! 
Neville: Yeah, and everybody takes their frustrations out 
on me! 
Goyle: Raaaaaah! 
Crabbe: Calm down, friend. 
Goyle: No one gives Goyle detention! Me hate Umbridge! 
Seamus: You guys hate Umbridge, too? I thought you guys 
would've gotten along seeing 
as she's a bitch, and you guys are dicks. 
Cho: Yeah. 
Crabbe: That's what we were hoping for, but no such luck. 
Goyle: Well, you know what I think? 
I think I need some chamomile before my slumber. 
Neville: That was too c-c-close for comfort! 
Harry: Aw, come on. Who made Cho cry? What is that? 
I don't even care who did it. 
You're gonna die, Schlongbottom! 
[Kids yelling] 
Hermione: Stop! 
Look, guys, I know things are getting bad around here, but 
we can't turn on each other. 
That's exactly what Umbridge wants. She wants us to eat 
each other to survive. 
Harry: Dean, let me see that Prophet. 
Dean: Sure thing, HP. 
Harry: Ugh, this is so bogus. Look at this: 
'Dangerous criminal, Sirius Black, apprehended. He is 
currently being held at 
Hogwarts where he awaits his sentencing. 
Heroic witch, Dolores Umbridge, recommends the maximum 
sentence: Dementor's Kiss.' 
Ron: That's rough, buddy. What are we gonna do? 
Harry: There's nothing we can do. The only other person 
that knows he's innocent is Dumbledore. 
And he's on the run, too. 
Ron: We're in a real puzzle. 
Redvine? 
Harry: For the first time in my life 
I don't want one. 
Ron: Harry, you can't mean that. Um. 
Here, just open up, and I'll put it in your mo- 
Harry: I don't want a Redvine! Okay? 
I don't want one. 
Hermione: I'll take it, Ron. We'd best leave Harry alone. 
Lupin: Alright, gang. I'll ignore that some of you are 
late 
If you ignore that I'm the latest. 
What the hell? 
Why didn't you guys laugh at my joke? 
What's going on here? Why all the long faces? 
Dean: Man, it's Umbridge. 
Cho: She is ruining our lives. 
Ron: And Hogwarts. 
Seamus: It's not a school. It's a bloomin' prison. 
Neville: Like Azkaban. 
Harry: Yeah, she's the Dementor sucking out my soul. 
Lupin: I see. Well, I'll tell you what. 
If you guys think that this place is like Azkaban and 
you're worried about Dementors, 
why don't I teach you a spell that can ward them off? 
It's called a Patronus. 
Hermione: Uh. But, Professor, the Patronus is a very 
advanced spell. 
And we're just first years. 
Lupin: Ah, bullshit. 
[Kids gasp] 
I mean baloney. 
It's easy, okay? The only thing you need to make a 
Patronus is a wonderful thought. 
Kids: Any happy little thought? 
Lupin: Not just any happy thought. Alright? 
Dementors live off fear and misery, so in order to beat 
them, you've gotta have something that's stronger than 
they are. 
The happy thought has gotta be something that when you 
think about it, you can't help but cheer up. 
So come on, guys, what makes you happiest? Cho? 
Cho: Um, well, 
Lupin: It can be a memory, a person, a fantasy, anything. 
Just as long as the emotion is real. 
Cho: I'll pretend that I'm at the Valentine's Day Feel 'er 
Up Dance, and all the boys can't keep their hands off me. 
Lupin: Good. Hey, who knows? Maybe that's a ... Maybe 
that's a thought we can make happen. 
I'm kidding. 
Or am I? 
You decide. 
And let me know. 
Neville, what do you got? 
Neville: I think I'll be an Indian Brave. 
Lupin: Sounds good. Hey, Ron, what are you thinking about? 
Maybe a snack or a frumpy little girl? 
Ron: No. No! 
No, I'm thinking about Harry. 
Harry: Oh, cool! I was thinking about me, too! 
Lupin: That's good work. Alright, now that you've got your 
happy thoughts, you got to hold onto it, okay? 
And say the magic words, "Expecto Patronum." Alright? Now, 
watch me. 
Hermione: Professor, what will you think of? 
Lupin: I'm gonna think of the man who considered me to be 
his best friend. 
Ron: Hagrid. That's a good one. 
Lupin: No, it's not Hagrid. 
It's not Hagrid. 
Expecto pa--! 
Umbridge: Hold on! 
What the spell is going on here? 
Remus Lupin, it sounds like you were about to teach this 
bunch of childrens a Patronus. 
Snaaaape! Oh. 
Tell me, Snape. Is the patronus even on the curriculum for 
chubby little first years? 
Snape: Why, no. 
Umbridge: [Gasp] Is that so? 
Lupin: What do you want, Umbridge? 
Umbridge: Well, I was just walking around the school 
observing teachers in their classroom environments, 
and I heard some pretty terrible accusations about you, 
Remus. 
Lupin: Cho, 
I said I was joking! 
Umbridge: I heard that you don't even use the proper 
textbook in your daily lessons. 
Lupin: Oh, Umbridge, that textbook's like a thousand years 
old. 
It still refers to Dementors as Ringwraiths. 
Umbridge: So..so you're smarter than whoever wrote this 
book? You're smarter than ... Merlin? 
Lupin: No, I'm- 
Umbridge: I don't approve of your hands-on approach in the 
classroom, Remus! 
Lupin: Again, Cho, I was joking! 
Umbridge: And then there's that Daily Prophet article that 
said that 
you eat shit? 
Lupin: That was a candy bean that tasted of shit! [Kids 
gasp] 
I mean poopy. Guys, please. 
Umbridge: Well, Remus. The point that I'm trying to make 
is that your ass is fired. 
Lupin: What? 
Umbridge: Dumbledore may have taken pity on you because 
you're a worthless little piece of poo, 
but there is no room in my school 
for a washed-up little toilet-turd like you! 
Now, you've got twenty minutes to get out of my castle. 
[Angry shouting] 
Who disrespecting Umbridge? 
Neville: Goodbye, professor. 
Cho: Too bad you were joking, professor, 'cause I could've 
been your greatest adventure. 
Snape: I'll get the door for you. 
Lupin: You must be happy now, Snape. 
Snape: Look at my face, Remus. Do I look happy to you? 
[Singing] Lupin got fired. Lupin got fired. Lupin got 
fired- 
Lupin: Stop! Alright, Snape! Listen. 
You win, okay? 
Just take care of the kids for me, and 
I'm sorry that we made fun of you for all those years. 
Snape: Yes, well, so am I. 
Lupin: Well, see ya. 
Snape: Bye. 
[Door slams shut] 
Umbridge: Now, girls 
now that we got rid of that no-good Lupin 
guess who gets to be your new Defense Against the Dark 
Arts teacher? 
Snape: Me? Ron: Snape? 
Umbridge: No! Me! Your Mama. 
(laughs) 
And I'm going to teach you real good 
with the help of this 
(all gasp) 
Seamus: What is that? 
Umbridge: Oh this? Well I like to call this 
"Mama's Little Love Hand" 
I use it to give tough lovin' to all my childrens. 
You childrens are gonna learn your lessons twice as fast 
with the help of Mama's Love Handle! 
Hermione: Stop! 
You can't do that, it's abuse. 
Why if you hurt anyone, I'll... 
I'll... 
Umbridge: You'll what? 
Hermione: I'll tell the wizard cops and you'll be fired! 
AH! 
Umbridge: You know what? 
You're right. 
You're right 
I'm sorry 
I'm sorry 
You know what I think? 
I think that maybe you should be the headmaster 
Is that what you think? 
You wanna be in charge? 
You wanna be the momma? 
You want my job? 
Hermione: No, I'm just a little girl. 
(screams) 
Umbridge: I don't like you, Granger. 
I don't like the way that you don't like yourself 
Because you know what I see when I look at you 
I see myself at your age. 
Hermione: Oh God! 
Umbridge: Pathetic... 
Lonely... 
Hermione: Ugly! 
Umbridge: You callin' me ugly, girl? 
Hermione: No! 
Umbridge: You're the one that's ugly! 
You're the one that's ugly, not me! 
Not me! 
But I'm gonna help you, girl. 
I'm gonna help you 
I'm gonna suck you right up into my womb 
and I'm gonna spit you back out. 
And you're gonna be a red-hot titanium baby 
with diamond teeth. 
but before I can recreate you 
I must destroy you. 
Now lift up your skirt 
So your mama can love your bottom until it bleeds! 
Ron: Leave her alone! 
Seamus: Yeah, you old turd! (Students rebel) 
Umbridge: Stop it! 
Stop it! Why are you guys being so mean to me? 
Snape: All right, all right. That's enough. 
As much as I would love to see some of these bastards 
beaten 
it's against the rules 
Besides, it's time for Potions class. 
and I've made a fun lesson we can all enjoy. 
Come on everyone 
Let's go to the dungeon. Yay! (Students: Yay!) 
Umbridge: Fine! But this whole class gets detention! 
Ron: Thanks, Hermione! God! 
Oh, Potter. You hold up a second 
Umbridge: I wanna have a word with you 
Have you gotten any letters from Big D? 
Harry: I don't even know who that is 
Umbridge: Don't toy with me, boy. It's Dumbledore! 
I know you're helping Sirius Black 
and I know you're helping Dumbledore. 
So, I'm gonna ask you one time 
Where's he hiding? 
Harry: I don't know. 
Even if I did... I wouldn't tell you 
Umbridge: Well...! You're just a Dumbledore man 
through-and-through 
aren't you? 
Harry: Yeah! 
that's right! 
Umbridge: You think this school is bad now? 
I haven't even started. 
Harry: I'm not afraid of you! 
You're a teacher. You can't hurt me 
Do your worst. 
Umbridge: Oh, I will. 
[Cracks finger] 
See you in hell, Harry Potter 
Harry: Lupin! 
Hey, Lupin.. 
Lupin: Hey, Harry... 
Harry:Hey, I"m sorry about you getting fired 
You still had so much to teach us 
Lupin: Oh, that's all right, Harry. My last lesson 
was how to get yourself fired 
Harry: Geez, Lupin have you been drinking this whole past 
two minutes? 
Lupin: Yup, 
it's part of the lesson 
Oh, god... 
Damn it. 
Harry: Oh, um... if it's any consolation 
You were always my favorite teacher 
Lupin: I know that's probably why she fired me you little 
creep 
Ah, Harry 
sorry it's not your fault 
I'm probably everybody's favorite teacher 
Alohomora 
Harry: Listen, Lupin 
This place, the whole place has just gone to the dogs 
what are we gonna do? 
Lupin: I dunno 
Oh. You want me to say something 
Um.. 
The important thing is that you always stick by your 
friends no matter what 
Harry: Well, maybe you should go visit your friend Sirius 
Black and let him explain what's been going on 
Lupin: No! No! 
Listen, Sirius Black is not a friend 
He's a traitor. 
All right? 
Well, my time's up. 
Hey, ohh 
Harry: Well, I guess you can have this old thing back. 
Lupin: Thanks, Harry. Probably use it as a blanket 
or a house 
Now that I'm unemployed and homeless 
Harry: You take care of yourself, Lupin, ok? 
Lupin: Hey, Harry, hey Harry 
Take care of yourself, too, ok? 
Oh, yeah, hey Harry 
full moon coming up, ok, so stay indoors 
all right? 
Or I'll eat ya! (laugh) 
I'll eat ya! 
See ya! 
[slow piano] 
 
Act 2 Scene 2 
Umbridge: This is my office now! 
Team Jacob headquarters complete! 
Tell me Sorting Hat, are you Team Edward? 
Or Team Jacob? 
Sorty: I'm Team Dumbledore! 
Umbridge: What?! 
Dumbledore ain't a fictional character. 
You know what you old hat, you old hat! 
You know what I'm gonna do with you? 
I'm gonna stick you in an old hat box 
cause that's what you do with an old hat! 
Sorty: No! No! No! 
Tell Scarfy, I love him! 
Umbridge: Oh I will! 
NOT! 
Hehehe hehehe 
der der der der 
Gosh! What a day. 
Being a mama sure is tough work, isn't it Jacob? 
[sighs] Especially when all your childrens are just so 
misbehavin' 
Why do they gotta be so mean to their mama? 
I'm just trying to love them. 
Now Harry Potter, he's just the worst of them all. 
Playin' that little guitar, making fun of his mama. 
Just make me so sad. 
So very, very sad- 
HUNGRY! 
[ominous music] 
Oh, a cheesecake. 
Wonder where that came from? 
Oh that's right, it's from my induction ceremony as 
headmaster of Hogwarts. 
But I thought I threw that away 
I'm not allowed to eat cheescake. 
Just protein shakes, falcon eggs, and rocks. 
Well, I guess a little bite wouldn't hurt anybody! 
[Off stage:] Dolores! 
Umbridge: Huh? 
Dolores! 
Umbridge: Who said that? 
Dolores Jane Umbridge 
Umbridge: Mama!? 
Mama Umbridge: Dolores, you put down that cheesecake! 
Umbridge: Mama, what are you doing here? I thought you 
were dead! 
Mama Umbridge: Dolores, I came down from heaven above 
to help you straighten out these chillins 
Umbridge: What? I- I don't need your help. 
This is my house now, I don't want your help! 
I hate you! 
Mama Umbridge: Hate me? You're just like me. 
Umbridge: I am nothing like you! I'm cool. 
Mama Umbridge: Oh yeah? Them little chillins don't seem to 
think so. 
I heard that Harry Potter saying behind your back 
that you was a chubby little f**k. 
Umbridge: [crying] But I am a chubby little f**k! 
Mama Umbridge: Dolores! 
You listen to your mama now. 
Get up girl! Get on up! 
Now the only way that you gonna fight these chillins 
is with love. 
Do you love them enough to scold them? 
Umbridge: Yes, I love them so much. 
Mama Umbridge: Do you love them enough to whop down their 
bottom? 
Umbridge: Yes mama anything! 
Mama Umbridge: Do you love them enough... 
to kill them? 
Umbridge: Well... 
yeah! 
I think I do. 
Mama Umbridge: Yup, it might straighten that Harry Potter 
out. 
He might even be better off. 
Umbridge: Yeah! 
You're dead and you're just fine. 
Why didn't I think of that before? 
Mama Umbridge: Because it's crazy. 
Umbridge: Yeah! Ooh. Uh oh. 
I'm crazy now, aren't I mama? 
Mama Umbridge: I wouldn't be here if you wasn't. 
Umbridge: But how do I kill the children? I don't want to 
hurt them. 
Mama Umbridge: Oh there's lots of ways. 
Umbridge: Yeah, you mean like, 
with this ax that I've been sharpening all day? 
[gasp] I don't remember doing that, but I must have. 
Yeah, I'll kill Harry Potter 
and then my boyfriend Dumbledore is gonna see how powerful 
I am 
and then we'll probably get married! 
Mama Umbridge: Atta girl, Dolores 
you make me some grandbabies and we straighten them out 
too 
Umbridge: Ok mama I will! Bye! 
I hate you! 
Mama Umbridge: [cackling] Umbridge: Der der der der 
[der der der der der der] 
Snape: What the devil is going on here!? 
Umbridge: Oh hey Snape. 
Snape: Why have you called me out of bed at this... 
Where did the poster of headmaster Zefron go? 
Umbridge: I don't care for Zac Efron. 
Taylor Lautner is my man. 
Snape What do you want, you horrid bitch 
Well, Snape... It's Potter 
I think he knows where Dumbledore's hiding 
and he's not telling me 
and there's this stupid rule that won't let me discipline 
the children 
I just wish there was some way that I could get my 
boyfriend 
and kill Harry Potter 
Snape: Are you suggesting that we kill a student? 
Umbridge: Of course not, Snape. 
That would be crazy 
We can't have crazy people running the school 
But maybe if someone who also hated Harry Potter, could 
kill him for me 
Snape: Don't look at me 
Lucius: No, look at me! 
Lucius Malfoy, what are you doing here? 
I couldn't help but overhear your conversation 
And I wanted to know if you were interested in a role in 
the evil scheme I've just choreographed? 
Umbridge: What's the part? 
Lucius: It's a meaty supporting villain role. 
Umbridge: Go on. 
Lucius: You say you want to find Dumbledore and have 
unspeakable things happen to Harry Potter 
Well, I can give you those things for a very small price 
Umbridge: I'm listening 
Lucius: First, you let my Death Eaters into Hogwarts 
Our presence here must remain an absolute secret 
Next, you lure Harry Potter some place where I can have 
him alone 
He must be alone. That is of the utmost importance 
I would have done this myself already if he went anywhere 
without that ginger and that filthy mudblood girlfriend of 
his 
Umbridge: Fine. That takes care of Potter. But what about 
Dumbledore? 
Lucius: You say Potter knows where Dumbledore is hiding 
Well, before I finish him off, I will use every torture 
imaginable to loosen his tongue 
Umbridge: Yeah, and then I'll get my boyfriend, Dumbledore 
He's probably out buying me presents. He's really sweet. 
I'm gonna find and crush that criminal 
Lucius: Yes... And once you have Dumbledore, Potter is 
mine! 
Umbridge: Fine, it's a deal. 
Snape: Oh, this is all so illegal. 
If anyone were to report this sordid business to the 
Ministry, you'd both go to Azkaban 
Umbridge: Well, that's why no one is gonna report it. 
Right, Snape? 
Lucius: Come now, Severus. 
You better than anyone know what kind of people the 
Potters are 
Their arrogance knows no bounds 
Something simply must be done about them, or there will 
always be guys like Potter 
 
[Guys Like Potter plays] 
 
Act 2 Scene 3 
Ron: No, no, no more Prophets 
Enough of that shit 
Hermione: Oh no! Ron: What is it? 
Dean: Gather around Hermione: Harry you're not gonna wanna 
see this 
Harry (reading newspaper): "Ministry of Magic sentences 
Sirius Black to death by way of the Dementor's Kiss" 
Bogus! Mondo-bummer. 
Dean: That's not the worst of it! 
Anyone read the next few sentences? 
Hermione: "To administer the kiss a force of 1000 
dementors, will be sent to Hogwarts, where 
after carrying out the execution, they will remain a new 
permanent security force 
under the direct control of Headmaster Dolores Umbridge." 
Cho: That's the absolute worst. 
Dean: Umbridge done turn the school into a prison. 
Ron: It's over. She won. 
Umbridge: Attention all Hogwarts students. 
Dis Umbridge. 
Will all those nasty little first-years who have detention 
this evening, please report immediately to the owlery. 
Your duties this evening will include restocking the bird 
seeds supply 
getting eggs from the meanest, angriest owls 
and scrubbing bird shit off the floor. 
Bring your toothbrushes. 
Failing to attend detention, will result in some serious 
tough love consequences. 
So get moving everyone. 
Everyone, except for the famous Harry Potter. 
Potter, your detention will be held with me tonight. 
So please report to my office immediately. Alone. 
All right. That's all. Byyyye, have fun. Der, der, der, 
der, der 
Hermione: Harry, I don't like the sound of this 
Why does she want to meet you alone? 
Ron: Yeah, why don't you have to clean up bird shit like 
the rest of us? 
Hermione: No, I mean, what if she does something horrible 
to you? 
Harry: She can't, she's a teacher. 
Besides, maybe I can talk to her about Sirius. 
She can't just send somebody to death who is innocent. 
Hermione: I don't think she cares if he's innocent or not. 
Harry: She has to! Any sane, reasonable person would. 
Besides, I don't know what I would do if I wouldn't be 
able to 
hug or kiss Sirius Black, my best adult friend, ever 
again. 
I have to try. I'll see you guys. 
Ron: Good luck. 
Hermione: Be careful. 
(Snape singing drunkly) 
Snape: Hey, Potter, Potter! 
Just the boy I wanted to see. 
Sit down, duuuude 
Harry: Listen, I gotta go to Umbridge's office 
Snape: Right now? Can't it wait? 
Come on, Potter, I'm a teacher. You have to listen to me 
You have to listen to me or I'll expel you. 
I'll expel you right now. 
Sit down. 
You want a beer? 
Harry: Uh, no, that's okay. 
Snape: Ah no, come on, mate. Don't make me be the only one 
drinking. 
Harry: All right. 
Snape: Hey, those are mine! 
Listen Potter... 
I hananaa Lennon 
I habba dele lemon 
I have a dilemma 
Harry: What's your dilemma? 
Snape: I promised Dumbledore that I would protect the 
school 
but the thing is, Potter, I hate you. 
I hate you so much. 
You know what I mean? 
Harry: Well yeah I hate you too- 
Snape: But it's not fair really, cause it's your dad is 
who I hated. 
And I was in love with your mum, 
but I had a butt trumpet. 
My butt went 'boop boop, boop boop, boop boop' 
And she chose him over me. 
You know how that is? 
Harry: I don't know what.... 
Snape: It pisses me off, I mean, really f*cking pisses me 
off. 
It's that I was there for her, you know? 
Like when she needed someone I was there. 
Waiting like a tool, saying "Are we gonna snog now?" 
"No, okay. Now? What about now? Well, I'll wait. I'll wait 
forever like a tool!" 
And just once, just one time 
I wanted to take your mum 
's boobies 
and put them on my face, 
and go 'blublrublrblu' 
Harry: I don't know what you're talking about 
I don't understand anything that you're saying 
So I'm just gonna let you pass out here. 
Snape: Wait, Potter. What I'm trying to say is that I'm 
torn up 
And if you go in there, you're gonna be in big trouble. 
Harry: Whatever Snape. 
Butt trumpet. 
Snape: Oh forget you... 
Harry: Professor Umbridge. It's me, HP. 
You asked for me to come here. 
I wanna talk to you about something. 
Hello? 
Lucius: Hello, boy. 
Harry: Oh, hi. 
Lucius: Stupify! 
 
Act 2 Scene 4 
Cho: All right y'all. That's good. Keep up the good work. 
Seamus: My pleasure, Miss Chang. 
Hermione: Cho, could you please help too? 
Cho: Why I am, I gave my toothbrush to Dean, and now he's 
working twice as hard. Bless his heart. 
Hermione: No, Cho, we all have to do an equal share of 
work. 
Cho: Well, that doesn't seem very fair. 
You have turned into a little Umbridge, haven't you? 
Give me that. 
Ron: Do you want a Red Vine? 
Hermione: No thanks! 
Ron: What? Does no one want a Red Vine?! 
Has the world gone insane? 
Gaaaaaah 
You're not like Umbridge, if that's what's bothering you 
Hermione: Oh yeah? We're both ugly, we're both bossy, and 
nobody likes us! 
Ron: Aaaah. So what? 
So you share some similarities, hmmm? 
That's like saying Spiderman and Venom are the same, 
because they have the same powers and the same costume 
No, no, no! But Venom let his bitternes and hatred to the 
world 
turn him into an asshole a long time ago 
But Spiderman would never do that. 
Even though the Bugle is always printing all this crap 
about him 
and Iron Man was just so mean to him 
And the Sandman killed his poor Uncle Ben 
It's like, Spiderman is so full of 
of love, that he would never let any of that ruin him 
And that redhead, Mary Jane... 
She cares a lot about him 
Even if he is just a nerdy potato faced loser 
And she knows deep down 
miles beneath those 
enormous breasts of his 
That he's something special 
Hermione: Yeah, he's like my second favorite superhero 
Ron: Second?! 
Owl: HONK HONK, meow. Message for Hermione Granger 
Hermione: Oh, birdie! I'm Hermione Granger 
Owl: Oh, here you go. 
*poops* 
You missed a spot 
Hermione: Thanks. 
Ron: What's it say? 
Hermione: It says "Harry Potter is in grave danger" 
Oh no. "Meet me by the divination class as soon as you 
can" signed Little D. 
Ron: Little D... ew, Little D. 
Little.... 
Both: Dumbledore! 
Hermione: I knew Umbridge was gonna hurt Harry. 
We have to go right now! 
Ron: Okay 
Hermione: Here we are. Professor Dumbledore? 
Ron: Dumbledore? Where is he? 
Hermione: I don't know. The note said he'd be here. 
Where are you, little D?! 
Draco: In case you were wondering... 
(Draco rolls on floor awkwardy) 
(Draco gets back awkwardly) 
The D stands for my wiener. 
Ron and Hermione: MALFOY?! 
Hermione: What are you doing here? 
Ron: Come to turn us in to Umbridge, huh? 
Draco: No, why would I do that after I went to all the 
trouble to bring you here? 
... Friends? 
Hermione: Wait, little D! Little Draco! 
No, I don't get it. 
Ron: Yeah, we're not friends... 
Draco: Maybe not 
yet? 
Listen! The Draco Malfoy you know and love 
is currently bedridden with heartache in Slytherin dorms 
The Draco Malfoy that stands before you today 
you may love, but you've hardly known 
Get ready. I'm about to blow your minds. 
I'm from... 
the future. 
*so many gasps* 
Ron and Hermione: WHAT?! 
Draco: Yes! 
The distant future of 2009 
Ron: That's one year from now! 
Hermione: But how?! And why? 
Draco: How and why indeed, Miss Granger! 
It turns out something very important happens next year 
I can't tell you what. 
But as consequence my father... 
Hermione: Lucius Malfoy? 
Draco: The very same. 
It turns out my father has travelled back in time 
with a gang of Death Eaters, and their mission? 
To kill Harry Potter. 
When I found out of their evil plot, I stowed away 
in my fathers fanny pack, so I could stop him. 
Ron: Oh yeah? Why do you wanna help Harry all of a sudden? 
Draco: Because, in the future, I'm really nice now! 
I'm the most popular boy in school 
Even Harry Potter likes me 
Haven't you noticed how I've tried to help you all year? 
I mean first, I managed to track down Harry's invisibility 
cloak, and I sent it to Sirius Black 
So he could escape Azkaban and come to Hogwarts 
Hermione: That's right, he had a note from little D! 
It looks like Dumbledore wasn't helping Sirius 
he was covering for us! 
But wait, where have you been all year? 
Draco: I've been living in the Forbidden Forest 
hiding amongst the Cen-chaurs. 
When they learned of my knowledge of the future 
they made me their leader and worshipped me as a new god. 
Hermione: You're the leader Firenze talked about 
You sent him that night to save us in the Forbidden 
Forest! 
Draco: Indeed I did. 
I've worked hard to keep my presence in the past a secret 
for fear of disrupting the space-time continuum 
But my father has captured Harry Potter, and I had to seek 
help 
I'm going to come at him with every second year spell I 
know 
We're talking squishy tushie charms, tickling hexes and 
maybe 
if I'm feeling especially cruel 
a bubble head charm. 
Hermione: Oh! Well, if Harry is in trouble we're there! 
Ron: I don't know. 
I mean, the Draco we know always has an ulterior motive 
Draco: That's strange. 
I have no ulterior motive. 
(Draco sneakily puts arm around Hermione) 
Hermione: If Harry is in trouble we have to think of a 
plan. 
(Draco sneakily touches Hermione's boob) 
I'll try to think of something. 
Come on, let's go. 
Oh, and Draco. Thank you. 
(Hermione puts face very close to Draco's face) 
You're very brave. 
(Draco turns around around like a jerk) 
Draco: Got a problem, Weasley? 
Ron: No. 
Draco: No? 
Looks like you had a little one. 
Maybe a tad jealous? 
Maybe because I'm an older, more mature man 
who can use the potty and everything. 
Or maybe... Maybe this will make you jealous. 
Yes. 
It is a crayon drawing of Hermione and mine's wedding. 
Ron: Why are you guys wearing spacesuits? 
And why is the priest a talking lion? 
Draco: Those are mature things, you wouldn't understand 
Ron: Yeah, whatever. 
Draco: Just so you know, 
in the future 
you don't get her. 
So don't even try, Weasley. 
Ron: Two things, Draco. 
One) You may be trying to help us 
but two) 
(Ron flips Draco off) 
you're still full of shit 
(Ron pretend eats Draco's nose) 
(Ron pretend poops it out and puts it back on Draco's 
face) 
You have a poop nose now. 
Draco: Get it off. Get the poo off me! 
 
Act 2 Scene 5 
Lucius: Alright, Yaxley... 
Now, when Harry Potter wakes up, 
You're going to stand in the window between these two 
And you're going to do that, um, 
Stiff arm movement that you're so fond of. 
And, you two... you're going to do this: 
Yes, it's gonna feel goofy but it's gonna look so f*cking 
good. 
So, make sure that- [Harry groans] 
Oh! Shh! Places, places, places... 
Harry: Oh, wipe out 
Where am I? 
Lucius: Hello, Potter. 
Harry: What a marvelous display, I'm very impressed, it's 
really nice. 
Deatheater: Hey, Lucius, where do you want these boxes of 
torturing supplies? 
Lucius: Ah, just stack them right in here, thanks. 
Harry: Whoa! Wait- Wait a second, what? 
Torturing supplies, who are you guys? 
Lucius: We are men who have lost a great deal because of 
you, Potter 
I am Lucius Malfoy, 
And we are the Death Eaters. 
Harry: Whoa, listen, look, 
I know I beat your "Dark Lord" or whatever when I was a 
baby, 
But, don't you think it's time you guys, uh, got over it? 
Lucius: This isn't about anything you've done, Potter. 
It's about what you're going to do. 
Harry: But that doesn't make any sense! 
Lucius: Maybe not to you, it doesn't. 
But where I come from, it makes perfect sense. 
If I had my way, I'd finish you off right here, right now, 
Potter. 
But I made a deal, and you've got information I need. 
So I'm going to use every torture imaginable 
To make sure that- [Phone ringing] 
Oh, hold on, that's me! 
Oh my god, Umbridge, stop texting me! 
Umbridge: Did you get my text? 
Lucius: Yes! 
Umbridge: Well, you didn't text me back. 
Oh! Looks like you found Potter... 
Harry: Umbridge... Of course you're behind all of this! 
Umbridge: Has he spoken yet? 
Lucius: We were just getting started. 
Umbridge: Well, hurry up. 
And make sure you keep your end of the deal. 
Because I gave you your little boyfriend 
And now I want mine. 
I gotta go. 
Oh... and Potter? 
I thought that you might like to know... 
That Umbridge has a whole army of Dementors on the way to 
the castle right now. 
And they're gonna give your friend, Sirius Black, 
A big, fat, wet kiss goodbye for you. 
And then maybe he can say hi to your parents. 
[Umbridge laughs and bumps into disguised Ron] 
-Oh! -Oh, it's alright, it was my fault. -No, excuse me. 
Hermione: Ron, I'm scared! 
Draco: This will never work, Weasley. 
Ron: Trust me! 
Lucius: Hey there! Who are you guys? 
Ron: Oh... us? 
We're the backup Death Eaters. 
The union sent us over. 
Lucius: Curious. 
What union? 
Ron: The one for Death Eaters. 
Lucius: Mhm... 
Mhm, I'm familiar. -Oh, okay. 
Ron: Well, they said before you torture Harry Potter here, 
you're required to take a ten minute break. 
Uh... so they sent over some pizza. 
Yaxley: Death Eaters work hard. 
But when we break, we break. 
Hand us some of that pizza, new guy. 
What kinda toppings have you got on that thing? 
Ron: Oh, you know, all your favorites. Mushrooms, 
artichoke hearts, red peppers, 
And a knuckle sandwich! [Ron punches Yaxley] 
[Yaxley groans] 
Yaxley: Ouch, ah... 
Look what you did. 
Lucius, the new guy punched me! 
Lucius: Oh, I have a feeling these aren't "new guys" at 
all. 
Yaxley: Hey! What happened to all the pizza? 
Did it fall through the hole? 
Lucius: More like new children! 
[Ron and Hermione gasp] 
Lucius: Come to see your friend get tortured, did you? 
Well, you'll each have your own turn, you meddling little 
stinkers. 
Ron: Well... looks like you caught us. 
And we were saving this... 
To celebrate saving Harry. 
But, I guess you guys can have the real pizza. 
Yaxley: Don't mind if I do. 
Nothing worse than getting your hopes up for pizza, 
And then you go to get the pizza and get punched in the 
face- 
[Ron punches again and Yaxley shouting] 
[Cheering] 
Phase one, complete! Now, phase two! [throws pizza box at 
Lucius] 
Lucius: Not so fast, Potter. 
Death Eaters, clean up those boxes. 
Surrender yourself, Potter, or I'll torture your friend. 
Draco: No! Daddy! 
Daddy, it's me. 
Would you really torture your own son? 
Lucius: [Mispronounced] Draco? 
Surrender yourself, Potter, or I'll KILL your friend. 
Harry: Leave Malfoy alone, Malfoy! 
I do hate Malfoy but he doesn't deserve to die. 
Looks like I've got no other choice. 
I'll turn myself in. 
Hermione: -No, Harry... 
Snape: Why, that's absurd! 
Bat-Bogey Hex! Jelly-Legs Jinx! 
Ron/Hermione/Harry: [Cheering] Snape! 
Lucius: Severus... you traitor. 
You'll pay for this. 
Snape: Put it on my tab! Stupefy! 
Lucius: Whoa! 
[Cheering] 
Harry: Snape, you came to save us! 
Snape: I sure did! 
I made a vow to Dumbledore I'd protect you kids. 
Besides, I couldn't let the last trace of Lily Evans be 
destroyed. 
You have her eyes, you know. 
Her eyes and... 
I have to go! 
Go on, kids. I'll fend them off. 
[Shouts] 
Hermione: C'mon, c'mon, we gotta get out of here! 
Ron: Alright, but, first... 
Let's take that piece of garbage down! 
[Cheering] 
Harry: Alright guys! We gotta go find where they're 
holding Sirius. 
Umbridge has a whole army of Dementors on their way to 
kill him. 
They're gonna kiss him! They're gonna find him and kiss 
him! 
Ron, c'mon, man. -C'mon Ron! 
Ron: It's- It's stuck on there with magic. 
Harry: -That's okay!  
Ron: -Don't worry about it. 
Harry: Um... we gotta- 
Wait a second, wait, hold on. Wh... what the hell is Draco 
doing here? 
Hermione: Oh! Right! Harry! 
This is Draco from... 
The future. 
Draco: -The future. 
Harry: -What? 
Draco: -Yeah. 
Hermione: He's really nice now. And you know what? We 
couldn't have saved you without his help. 
[Lucius] We mustn't lose them! 
Hermione: Quick, hide! 
Lucius: Where'd they go? 
Yaxley: I think they went that way. 
Lucius: No, you idiot, there they are! 
Harry: Jeez, what a dumbass. 
Whatever, let's go save Sirius! 
 
Act 2 Scene 6 
Kids: Sirius! 
Sirius: Kids! 
Ron: Oh, uh 
Looks like they got Taylor Lautner poster in here, too 
Ron: It's everywhere. 
Harry: It's in every single room 
Sirius: What are you kids doing here? 
Harry: We've come to break you free 
Ron: Yeah! 
Umbridge is coming with a whole army of Dementors and 
[Whispers] And they're gonna kiss you 
Hermione: Stand back! 
Alohamora! 
All: Ahhh, magic! 
Kids: Sirius! 
Sirius: But if you're seen helping me you'll all be in 
really big trouble 
Harry: We don't care! You're innocent! 
Sirius: I know, but 
Who's gonna believe a bunch of kids, 
and a no-good, washed up loser, 
like Malboy 
and me, the most wanted criminal in the world 
I mean, god, 
what kind of dumbass would believe this bunch? 
[Off stage] This dum-- 
This dumbass! 
Kids: Lupin! 
Harry: Lupin! Sirius is innocent, if you just let him 
explain-- 
Lupin: Harry, there's no need to explain, 
I know that he's innocent, and I've got proof 
Kids: What? How? 
Lupin: This! 
The Marauder's Map! 
I was on the Hogwarts Express when I began to get chilly, 
and decided to use it as a blanket 
That's when I noticed a name on there that shouldn't have 
been there 
The name of a man I believed to be long dead 
Peter Pettigrew! 
Sirius: That rat bastard! 
Harry: Who is that? 
Lupin: Harry, 
long ago, your father was friends with Sirius 
and best friends with me, but 
he had another friend 
Harry: What? That's impossible, you can't have more than 
two friends 
Sirius: It was a fatal mistake 
Peter Pettigrew betrayed your parents and killed all those 
people 
then he set me up and disappeared. 
Lupin: Until now 
'Cause he's in this room! 
All: Where?! 
Looks like... 
There! 
Ron: Me?! 
Harry: Ron, how could you, you traitor! 
Draco: I'll kill him, chaps, then she'll be all mine 
Ron: NO! No, no! 
Something's wrong, I'm not Peter Pettigrew 
Lupin: The map's never wrong, Ron 
Or should I say 'Peter' 
Hermione: No wait wait! 
If you look at the map, Peter Pettigrew's name is on top 
of Ron's. 
That must mean that Peter Pettigew 
is on top of Ron! 
All: Scabbers! 
Hermione: He must have magicked himself into a rat! 
Sirius: That totally makes sense 
Ron: Die! 
Draco: Stomp him! 
[Stomping and yelling] 
Lupin: Well he put up a fight but he's dead now 
Sirius: Nightmare is over 
Hermione: Wait, that's weird 
the map says Peter Pettigrew hasn't moved 
but it must be wrong 
Sirius: The map is never wrong 
[Moaning coming from the painting] 
Hermione: It's him! 
All: Peter Pettigrew! 
Peter: You finally figured it out! 
Expelliarmus! 
Sirius: Son of a bitch! I'm gonna drug and kill you! 
How could you betray James and Lily like that? 
Peter: I know, 
James was my best friend 
Lupin: I thought I was your best friend 
Peter: The Dark Lord, 
He can be very persuasive 
he offered me a robot hand 
and all I got was this lousy t-shirt 
Harry: You're never gonna get away with this. 
Now that we found you, Sirius is gonna be free, and you're 
gonna go to Azkaban. 
Peter: Ohhh? 
I got a better idea! 
How about I kill all of you, 
and get away scot-free? 
Draco: Oh ummm 
No, no, no, no 
You should go to jail, but 
We could vote on it 
Peter: Vote? 
Why don't you vote 
on what's gonna be on your tombstone? 
Harry and Ron: Redvines! 
Ron: That's it; redvines! 
Hey, Posterman 
Wouldn't killing us taste better with a 
redvine? 
Peter: Of course 
Everything tastes better with redvines 
Ron: Well here 
Why don't you have one? 
Peter: Alright, Weasley 
I'm gonna trust you this time 
Ron: You can 
Peter: But I don't wanna see any funny tricks 
Ron: No tricks, just treats 
Peter: I just want you to hold out that delicious 
red stick of candy 
Ron: It's gonna be right here 
Peter: And I want it to just stay right there 
so I can put my mouth around it 
Ron: Right at the level of the mouth 
Peter: Alright, here I go 
Yummy yummy yummy 
Ron: Stupefy! [Peter screams] 
Redvines: 
What the hell can't they do? 
Harry: You did it, Ron! 
Hermione: Ron, that was amazing! 
Lupin: Your posterboy days are over, Peter. You're going 
to jail. 
Crucio. 
[Piano sounds] 
Harry: Wow, Ron, I'm really sorry about your rat 
Draco and Hermione: Yeah, sorry 
Ron: It's okay 
He's been dead for years 
Lupin: Sirius, 
I'm sorry that I doubted you for all those years. 
Sirius: How could you think I would betray James and Lily 
like that? 
I mean I was his best friend! 
Lupin: What the hell am I? 
Sirius: Oooo, you thought you were his best friend? 
Lupin: Yeah 
Sirius: I tell ya what 
there's only one way to settle this: 
From this moment on, 
you, 
and me, 
we'll be the best friends! 
Lupin: That's all I ever wanted 
Sirius: Touchdown 
Come here, Lupy 
Oh it feels so good to hug and kiss you again 
Lupin: I know, but you know who deserves the kisses? These 
kids! 
Sirius: You're right! 
Oh Hermione, you did some amazing sleuthing back there 
You really are the cleverest bitch of your age 
Hermione: Thanks! That makes me feel really special 
Sirius: Good. And you, Ron 
The guy who's always helping out... 
thanks for helping out! 
Ron: No problem 
Sirius: Cool 
And you, 
little Dracula Falmoy 
You're little D, aren't you? 
Draco: I sure am 
Sirius: Get over here 
To you, I owe my freedom, 
what can I do for you, Count Chocula? 
Draco: Well, there's this girl I like 
But I'm not 100% positive she likes me back 
So should I tell her how I feel, perhaps in a letter or a 
drawing? 
Or an angry email? 
Sirius: No no no. Rule number one, boys: 
You never tell a girl that you like her 
It just makes you look like an idiot 
And you, Harry 
I was rotting away in my cell in Azkaban 
And do you know what happy thought kept me going and got 
me through it? 
It was you. 
So thanks for saving me, Harry 
Harry: I had to, Sirius. You're the only family I have 
Ron: So, what are we gonna do with Peter Pettigrew? 
Sirius: Well, we'll take his ass back to the ministry, and 
I'll get my charges dropped 
Harry: You're gonna be a free man! 
Sure will. 
Lupin: Alright gang, let's hop on some brooms and head 
back to the Ministry on the double, okay? 
We'll let the beautiful full moon light our way! 
Dammit...I mean 
Shit! 
Ah! My transformation! 
Sirius: Lupin, my best friend, did you take your potion 
tonight? 
Harry: What's happening? 
Sirius: Lupin! You know the man you truly are! 
This heart is where you live! 
This heart! 
Right here! 
Hermione: Transforming in a full moon! 
Lupin must be a...a...a... 
Kids: gremlin! 
Ahhhh! 
Peter Pettigrew: Go long and so long you pathetic 
bastards! 
Harry: No, no! He's getting away! 
Hermione: No we need him to prove that Sirius is innocent! 
Sirius: That's not gonna matter if I'm dead! 
Remus, it's Sirius 
Your best friend 
Remember--Ahhh [Remus attacks Sirius] 
[howling] 
Harry: Ohh we're done for! 
[Random Wolf] Ca cawww 
Harry: What is that? 
What's that noise? 
[Howling] 
Ron: Hey-- Hey where's he going? 
Where's he going? 
Hermione: Werewolves respond to the call of their own 
kind! 
The Forbidden Forest must be crawling with them 
Ron: Oh yeah, like the one that chased us on Halloween 
the one that stole Lupin's brooch 
Harry: That reminds me of his best friend, Sirius-- 
Sirius! 
Ron: Is he dead? 
Hermione: Almost! 
Harry: Come back to me, Sirius! 
Umbridge: You mean come back to Umbridge! 
[Kids screaming] 
Umbridge: F**king caught you red-handed, Harry Potter 
I caught you helping Sirius Black! 
and now you're not childrens no more 
you're criminals! 
and you're all gonna get the Dementor's Kiss 
Hermione: Harry, look, it's Dumbledore! 
Dumbledore: Umbridge, stop, your beef isn't with these 
sexy boys 
it's with me 
Umbridge: Dumbledore 
Did you get my texts? 
Dumbledore: Yes I got your texts 
I got all 900 of them 
you've been clogging my inbox for long enough 
Umbridge: Well you didn't text me back 
Harry: Umbridge has gone completely crazy 
Hermione: She's working with Death Eaters 
Ron: She's trying to kill Harry 
Dumbledore: I know, kids, but the buck stops here 
Umbridge, I tried to be nice 
tried to be fair, but there comes a time when you have to 
lay down the law 
this is my school and these are my chillings 
and it's time for you to leave and never come back 
Umbridge; Dumbledore, this is just our first fight 
Dumbledore: and it'll be our last 
Umbridge: Oh my god, Dumbledore! 
Why you being such a lousy boyfriend? 
Dumbledore; Don't you get it you crazy bitch? 
I'm gay! 
Umbridge: Well choose not to be gay then! 
Dumbledore: Umbridge, if you don't stop I will be forced 
to violence 
Umbridge: [Gasp] Uh huh 
No way, no how, a man does not threaten his woman 
[Snaps wand in half] 
Dumbledore: There goes the Elder Wand 
Harry: What's the Elder Wand? 
Dumbledore: Ohh it doesn't matter now Harry, 
Umbridge, maybe we can work something out 
Umbridge: No, no! It's too late! 
Dumbledore: Fine Dolores I'll be your boyfriend 
Umbridge: Noooo [echoes] 
 
[Stutter plays] 
 
Act 2 Scene 7 
Harry: Oh wipe out part two 
Hermione: Oh Harry you're alright 
Ron: We thought we lost you there for a second, good buddy 
Draco: Yeah the Dementors almost kissed you 
Harry: Where's... Sirius? Where's Sirius? 
Dumbledore: Harry, there were hundreds of Dementors 
It took all my skill to grab you kids and escape 
Harry: We gotta find him, we gotta go save Sirius! 
Dumbledore: Harry, Harry, it's too late, Umbridge is too 
powerful 
Hermione: Professor, what do we do? 
Dumbledore: You four stay here, you'll be safe here. I'm 
going to go see if I can find some help, inform the 
Ministry 
Ron: But Umbridge works for the Ministry! 
Dumbledorea: Weasley! I gotta someone who can help me save 
the school 
before Umbridge turns any more Dementors on any more kids. 
I'll be back as soon as I can. 
Disapparate! 
Hermione: He left us. He left us! 
Ron: Well we can't just let Umbridge destroy the school, 
what are we gonna do, Harry? 
Harry; There's nothing we can do 
Ron: What? 
Don't you get it? 
It's over, we lost, okay? Sirius is dead, Umbridge won, 
the school is ruined. 
It's over. 
Draco: Hey! 
The Harry Potter I know wouldn't just give up 
Harry: That's because the Harry Potter you know 
is a 12-year old super hero 
and I'm just an 11-year old child. 
How can we do anything if there's no time? 
Hermione: Time? 
Draco: Hold on to me, friends 
Hermione; What, Draco, what are you doing? 
Draco: Alright everyone, 
I hope you're wearing your diapers 
because you're gonna shit your pants 
Kids: Whooooaaa 
Harry: Draco, what did you just do? 
Hermione: Where are we? 
Ron; Why'd I shit my pants? 
Draco: It's merely a side effect of negative light speed 
travel. 
Quick, hide. 
Snape: And then go [motorboat] 
Past Harry: I don't know what you're talking about, I'm 
just going 
Harry :Oh my god, who's that? I think I'm in love 
Snape: Potter, what I'm trying to say is, I'm torn up 
and if you do in there, then you're going to be in big 
trouble 
Past Harry: Whatever Snape 
Draco: We can't be seen! 
Snape: Oh forget you 
Oh! Potter! What really pisses– 
Harry: Snape, can I say something for a second? 
Snape: Sure! 
Harry: Listen... 
I've realized something... 
You lead a pretty thankless, 
selfless, miserable life... 
and despite how much everybody hates you, 
you stick by Dumbledore, and you take care of his kids. 
[reminiscent piano] 
And I've never said this, but... 
You're a great guy, so... 
Thank you. 
Snape: Harry Potter... 
You're a hero... 
I was going to let those Death Eaters murder you. 
But now, I'm going to sober up and save you 
Thank you, Harry Potter, figment of my own guilt! 
Draco: Potter! What, were you trying to lead us straight 
to folly? 
One more hotshot move like that and 
you could have ruptured the space-time continuum! 
Harry: What're you talking about? 
Draco: Where - where were we exactly one hour ago? 
Hermione: Uh - I don't know - I think we were... 
Past Ron, off: Pretending to deliver a pizza! 
Draco: Get down! 
Past Ron: Then I'll punch him in the face! 
Past Hermione: I don't know about this, Ron... 
Ron: What –? 
Was that us?! 
Draco: In a way, that was us, from one hour ago. 
That was our PAST SELVES! 
I used my father's Time Turner to travel back in time! 
Hermione: That's why we shit our pants! 
Draco: Yes. Don't you see, Potter, 
now we have time! Time to – 
Harry: – to save Sirius! 
Ron: No, no, no, no, no – 
We can't beat Umbridge! She's still so strong! 
Hermione: She's working with a band of Dementors! 
Harry: No no, we could use the Patronus charm that Lupin 
taught us 
Draco: Yeah! 
Ron: Yeah, but when you use the Patronus, you have to have 
a happy thought. 
Okay? And every time we get near those Dementors, 
I'm just super sad. 
Ron: There is absolutely no way we can win. 
Harry: No way? You listen to me now. 
For eleven years, I was a Muggle douchebag living under 
some stairs. 
But this year, 
I found out I'm a wizard. I'm famous. 
I can fly and turn invisible, 
And I just travelled the f*ck back in time! 
So f*ck you Draco, how's that for a happy thought? 
So there is absolutely no way 
that there is no way, you hear me? 
 
[There’s No Way plays] 
 
Harry: There's absolutely nothing that can get in the way 
of us saving Sirius 
Lucius: No, you idiot, there they are! 
[Kids scream] 
Lucius: Got you, Potter. 
Harry: Holy shit 
Lucius: Forget Umbridge and her deal, 
I'm killing you right here, right now, Potter. 
Draco: No, papa 
You're not 
Lucius: [Mispronounced] Draco 
You danced! 
I finally taught you something! 
Draco: No 
The Centaurs taught me that 
Body-bind hex. 
Lucius: [Softly] Oh no 
Draco: Yaxley! 
How would you like to work for me now? 
Yaxley: Yes, sir, Mr. Malfoy! 
Ron: Alright! 
Harry: Awesome, adults. 
Lucius: So I suppose you'll audition for the Met now? 
Draco: No 
I'm auditioning for the Wizard Cops 
Lucius: Damn 
Draco: How does this sound: 
You're going to jail! 
Lucius: It sounded forced. 
Coward! 
If you were any kind of real man, 
you'd finish me off yourself. 
Draco: Come on, friends 
Let's turn in this belly-rumbling cur 
Kids: Yeahh 
Lucius: Don't you want to know who you real father is? 
Draco: What? 
Lucius: You were never my real son 
How could you be? 
You were always such a horrible disappointment to me 
Hermione: Draco, don't listen to him he's just trying to 
trick you 
Harry: -He's a liar.  
Ron: -He's an asshole! 
Yaxley: Yeah! 
Draco: Tell me who my father is or I'll hex you, 
Lucius: you weiner jacket. 
You do have some Narcissa in you, 
that tramp mother of yours. 
She choreographed an affair with someone behind my back 
Someone I trusted 
Someone I may have even loved. 
Harry: Ollivander? 
Hermione: Filch? 
Ron: Regulus Black, Sirius' brother? 
Yaxley: Me?? 
Lucius: No... 
Dobby! 
My former house-elf 
Draco: No.. 
Lucius: Oh yes 
It explains a lot, doesn't it? 
Your irrational fear of the potty. 
Hermione: Over 600 house-elves die in toilet related 
incidents every year! 
They fall in! 
Why else would you have such a little D? 
Draco: It's so small 
Lucius: IT'S 'CAUSE YOU'RE A F***ING ELF 
Draco: Oh, Dobby! 
Now I lament all those times that I 
I beat him senseless within an inch of his life 
Oh, right, yeah that one time when I drowned a litter of 
his young, my... 
brothers? 
Lucius: So now you know 
Could you imagine the scandal if that got out? 
'Lucius Malfoy's wife beds Smeagol!' 
So I had to take you in 
You should be thanking me for raising you and 
sending that treacherous creature away! 
Draco: So he's still alive? 
Lucius: Perhaps 
But now I see that banishment is far too merciful a 
penalty 
Yours shall be far steeper! 
Crrrrrr-- 
Hermione: No, he's just a poor little elf! 
Lucius cont.: --uciooo! 
[Hermione howls like a wolf] Draco: Hermione! 
Lucius: Oh, does that upset you, boy? 
Crucio! 
[Draco cries, Hermione howls] 
I'm going to finish you off 
one by one 
starting with her 
and Draco, you'll watch your friends die 
and then I'll do what I should have done 12 years ago! 
[Growling in the background] 
Avada-- [Growling intensifies] 
Harry/Ron: Lupin! 
Lucius: It's a... 
It's a robot! 
Ron: Kill him! 
[Kids shouting] 
Lucius: No! Noooo 
[Growling and yelling] 
[Kids cheering] 
Harry: Wow, well, let's go save Sirius! 
Draco: Right! 
Ron: No, Yaxley, our second best adult friend, this way! 
 
Act 2 Scene 8 
Umbridge: Yeah! Yeah! Dur dur dur dur 
Dumbledore: Umbridge, call them off! 
Umbridge: Kiss them all! 
Kiss the children! 
Harry: There we are! 
Dumbledore: Magic! 
Ah, Harry 
Let's go, boy 
Umbridge: Wait, get them, get them! 
Fine, forget them, we'll get them later 
Dementors, I order you to kiss Sirius Black. 
Harry: The only person that's gonna kiss Sirius Black 
is me. 
Ron: And me. 
Hermione: And me. 
Draco: And me. 
Yaxley: And I'll kiss him, too 
Umbridge: Potter?! 
[stutters] But I- But you just went- 
But I saw you go- 
But- 
Duuuurrrrr 
Fine! It doesn't matter 
Dementors! I order you to kiss all the childrens! 
Harry: Guys it's time to put the Patronus to the test 
Get those happy thoughts ready 
And don't cross the streams 
Everyone: Expecto Patronum! 
Umbridge: No! Nooo! Noooooooo 
Now my friends goin 
Harry: Now for you, Umbridge 
You terrible horrid bitch 
You just want everybody to be as miserable as you are 
You're so focused on your past that you can't appreciate 
your present 
That's no way to live 
How can you possibly move forward if you're always looking 
back? 
Umbridge: Oh my god 
How come I never saw it before? 
Harry: Umbridge, 
There's always time to make amends 
Umbridge: How come I never saw 
what a little fairy you are, Potter 
Weapons, now 
[wands drop] 
And the one behind your back? 
Now for you, Potter 
I think it's time for that long overdue punishment 
I'm gonna pop your head off with my bicep 
I swear to God, I am going to kill you Momma 
[Horse neighing] 
Firenze: Not if a good Firenze has anything to say about 
it 
Kids: It's Firenze, our Centaur friend! 
Firenze: It sure is 
You! You biatch. Unhand HP at once 
Umbridge: Fine 
I'm not afraid of you 
I'm gonna pwn this pony 
Kids: Go go go! Go Firenze, go Firenze 
Firenze: [umbridge punches hard on stomach] Oh! 
This must be the emotion you humans know 
as blood 
I'm bleeding 
Umbridge: Oh!! 
Bring it, motherf*cker 
Firenze: My chest! 
[yelling] 
Firenze: Silcence! 
[Head smash] 
Harry/Ron: Yeah! 
[fighting grunts] 
[Neigh] 
Umbridge: No! No! 
No this is impossible 
I'm invincible! 
Firenze: Ho ho! What marvelous strength 
Rapturous day! 
Finally I may have found someone powerful enough 
to survive coitus with the Centaurs 
Kids: Yaaaaay! 
Umbridge: What?! 
Firenze: I shall take her back to my tree village 
and tonight, the Centaurs will make celebracion 
With dancing, song, music, and much coitus with this one 
Kids: Yaaaaay! 
Firenze: Thank you, Harry Potter 
You've saved my people 
Umbridge: No! No! I can't have coitus with a bunch of 
Centaurs! 
I have a boyfriend! 
Help me! Help me! Help meee 
[Cheering] 
Harry: We did it guys! 
Dumbledore: Harry! Harry! What happened to Umbridge and 
the dementors? 
Harry: Ohh we took care of all that 
I have a funny feeling we're not gonna be seeing Umbridge 
again. 
Ever 
Cho: Well chocolate frogs! Harry Potter did it y'all! 
Everyone: YAY! 
Sirius: Oh my aching head 
Seamus: Bloody fuck! 
Dean:It's Sirius Black! 
Arthur: Quick! Somebody call the ministry! 
Molly: Oh, Arthur.. 
Arthur: Oh, that's me isn't it? 
I'm silly 
Harry: Wait wait wait! 
It's okay! Sirius is our friend 
Hermione: Yeah he's really nice now 
Dumbledore: It's true everybody, he was framed 
And he's cute too 
Everyone: Awwww 
Arthur: I'm afraid there's no proof 
Lupin: How much no proof is there now? [holds corpse 
across shoulder] 
What you're looking at is the corpse of Peter Pettigrew. 
The man thought to be killed by Sirius years ago. 
Can I get a time of death on this please? 
Neville: Well I'm no coroner but uh it looks like he was 
killed about 10 minutes and 36 seconds ago 
Lupin: Thanks, Neville 
How could Sirius have killed him years ago if he's only 
been dead for 10 and 1/2 minutes? 
Molly: Yeah, why does he look all.. freshly bloodied and 
mangled? And dirtied? 
Arthur: Yeah how did he end up like that? Lupin? 
Molly: Yeah, Lupin? 
Lupin: Yes 
Probably the work 
of that infamous Hogwarts jaguar 
Dumbledore: Makes sense to me 
Lupin: Yes! Yes the Hogwarts jaguar! 
Responsible for so much property damage to Hogwarts this 
year 
Especially in my office... 
[coughing] Lupin shouldn't have to pay for that 
Yes, who said that? 
Probably that jaguar! 
Bless his soft, adorable paws that he trips over when he 
starts running too fast 
Aruthr: Well, in light of this new evidence 
I, on behalf of the ministry of magic, 
hereby absolve Sirius Black of all crimes! 
Everyone: YAY 
Molly: Oh, Ronny! 
You're a hero! 
My son 
Sirius: Kids, come here 
You saved me 
Thank you so much 
Harry: Course, Sirius 
Hey! Listen, I was wondering maybe this summer instead of 
going back to the Dursley's 
I was wondering if maybe I could stay with you 
Sirius: Harry, I am homeless 
Can I live with you? 
Harry: I don't think the Dursley's would like that very 
much 
So where are you gonna go? 
Sirius: I don't know. I mean, uh.. 
I've been in prison for so long uh.. 
I thought I just might travel the world 
I've always wanted to see Venice 
Harry: Well if you're gonna be gone for a while 
why don't you take this with you? 
Accio Broom! 
Everyone: Woahh, magic! 
Harry: Here you go 
Sirius: Thanks, Harry 
your Firebolt! 
Harry: Listen, Sirius, do you need some money or 
something? 
Sirius: Oh no no I couldn't- How much do you have on your 
person? 
I'm just gonna take your whole wallet 
God bless you 
You coming, Lupi? 
Lupin: Sure am, Sirius 
Harry: But, Lupin, aren't you gonna stay and be our 
Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher? 
Lupin: No way, Harry. 
I've quite literally taught you 
everything that I know 
The last lesson was 'How To Get Yourself Fired' 
in fact, Dumbledore just fired me 
Dumbledore: Yep! 
Lupin: Even after my "fake" jaguar story and everything 
*winks* 
There you go 
Harry: Well man! I'm gonna miss you guys 
Hey, don't you worry, Harry 
Lupin: I'm sure we're gonna be seeing plenty of each other 
next year 
Isn't that right, Draco? 
Draco: Oh! Rather not say 
Sirius: Alright 
Hop on, Lupi! 
Lupin: I'm taking front 
Sirius: Take the captain's seat 
Sirius/Lupin: Well, BYEEEEEEE 
*door slams* 
Snape: Uhh, my head! I'm so magically hungover 
Dumbledore: What did you do last night, Severus? 
Snape: Well, I broke a couple of my own rules, I suppose 
I confessed my love for Lily Evans, 
I saved Harry Potter, 
and I made out with Grubbly Plank again 
Dumbledore: Ohh Severus, you're too cute 
Rita: Well, hot damn! 
It certainly has been a remarkable day, hasn't it HP and 
Co.? 
I'm going to write an article all about it 
Perhaps it could make the Prophet's front page? 
Everyone: YAY 
Dumbledore: Come on down to the Great Hall kids for a 
wicked party! 
Everyone: WOOOO! 
Dumbledore: A 5, 6, 7, 8 
Everyone: Hermione can't draw! Hermione can't draw! 
Hermione cannot draw! 
Dean: No she can't! 
She only reads books 
and she cannot draw 
even if she's reading a 'How To Draw' book! 
Hermione: Wait, Draco aren't you coming? 
Draco: I'd reckon I'd run into my past self there 
so, no 
Hermione: Okay, see ya 
Hey Draco! 
Draco: Yeah! 
Hermione: I was wondering 
If you and your dad really came back in time then, 
How was our first year at Hogwarts really supposed to go? 
Draco: Oh, well 
Looking back on it 
it was supposed to go exactly like this 
it just makes a lot more sense to me now 
I guess, we were always supposed to come back 
Well, I have to go into the forest and wait to catch up to 
my own time so, 
Goodbye Ms. Granger 
Hermione: Goodbye 
Draco: Ms. Granger! 
Hermione: Yes? 
Draco: I know past me might say some awful things, 
but I hope you can forgive him 
Hermione: No, I can't forgive him 
but I think it's about time that I forgave you 
Draco: Uh 
Hermione, I 
I have something to tell you 
Hermione: Yes, Draco? 
Draco: You are the prettiest girl in the entire school 
Hermione: Really? 
Draco: I'm actually quite fond of you 
Hermione: Draco, what are you saying? 
Draco: I didn't come back just to save Harry 
I guess what I'm saying is that 
everytime I look into those 
beautiful boobies of yours 
I just, 
I can't help but feel that I'm in danger of 
falling in love.. with.. Hermione 
Hermione: Oh oh oh oh oh... 
No.... 
No 
Draco: What? 
Hermione: I.. 
Draco I know that I have the lowest self-esteem 
out of anyone at Hogwarts 
But, 
but I think that I can do better 
Draco: Oh... 
Right. Sure. No problem. 
No kisses for Little D 
That's fine. 
I'm an asshole. 
Hermione: No 
No, don't feel bad you're 
listen 
you're always gonna be a stepping stone 
on my journey to feeling good about myself 
so thanks for being there 
for me to step on 
Bye! 
Draco: Yeah, no problem! 
See ya 
What a bitch 
Firenze: Why, my best friend and leader 
Little D 
Why the long face, my king? 
Draco; Oh, nothing. 
Just bitches ruining my life 
Firenze: Oh Little D 
I've seen you grow up so much 
over the course of this past year 
you're brave now 
you're courageous, 
you're artistic, 
you're heroic 
Little D 
you're cool 
*phone rings* 
Hold on, that's me 
it's a text, from Umbridge 
Draco: What'd she say? 
Where'd you go? 
I miss my little pony 
less than 3 
*laughs* 
Oh! A heart 
I rather like this human 
Well, Little D, 
we should get going back to the centaur tree village 
Draco: Alright 
No sense sticking around here 
This place has really gone to the dogs 
Luna: Well perhaps next year you'll be transferred to 
Pigfarts 
Draco: You know about Pigfarts? 
Luna: Oh yes 
There's an article all about it in this week's Quibbler 
Care to read it with me? 
Draco: Oh 
I don't need to read an article to know about Pigfarts 
Well, I can tell you all about Professor McGonagills, 
the flying fish, 
or Slitherous Snake and his vendetta against Growless 
Rumblerore 
Luna; I'd like that 
I'm Luna Lovegood 
Draco: Oh right! 
you're that girl who was mysteriously absent from our 
second year! 
Yes 
Draco: Would you like to come live in the centaur village 
with me? 
Luna: Sure! 
Good thing I brought extra diapers! 
Draco: You wear diapers too? 
Luna: All respectable wizards do 
Firenze: Neither of you are riding on my back 
Let's walk 
 
Act 2 Scene 9 
Dumbledore: Glad to know things are finally getting back 
to normal around here. It's good to have you back Zefron. 
Zefron: It's good to be back. 
Scarfy: Oh Sorty I've missed you like the Dickens. 
Sorty: Scarfy 
I've had a lot of time to think and well. 
I never want to be apart from you again. 
Will you make me the happiest hat alive.... 
....And be my magical enchanted accessory for life? 
[Gasp] 
Scarfy: You call that a proposal?! 
....Oh Sorty you're hopeless. 
But yes! 
Yes, wizard god yes. 
Dumbledore: Congratulations you two. 
Can I be the best man? 
Scarfy: Oh Dumbledear. 
Harry: Hey Professor Dumbledore. 
Dumbledore: Oh hey Harry 
Harry: I was just stopping by to say goodbye before I went 
home for the summer. 
Dumbledore: That was very sweet of you. 
While you're here I think I have something that belongs to 
you. 
Harry I don't know if I can ever thank you enough. 
Not only did you help save me but you helped save the 
entire school and Sirius Black. 
Harry we are cool, I mean it. From now on boy, you and me, 
we're tight. 
Harry: Really? 
Dumbledore: Harry I've known ever since you were a little 
baby and I left you with the Dursleys, 
One day you'd grow up to be a great Gryffindor just like 
your mom and dad 
I'm sure they are very proud of you wherever they are. 
Harry: Dumbledore, about my parents and the Dursleys. 
How come I had to grow up in the Muggle world? 
Where everything just kinda sucks. How come I couldn't 
have grown up in the wizarding world, 
where everybody is, I dunno, really cool and treats me 
like.. 
Dumbledore: Worshiped you? Treated you like an idol not 
like a little boy? 
Harry, I didn't want you to grow up in a world where all 
of this wasn't special. 
Because it's our time away from Hogwarts that makes these 
seven short years so precious. 
It's like with Ron and Herman. Sure you're not going to 
see them for awhile now 
but Harry you've got these days of summer to remind you of 
how much you really love them. 
Harry: Yeah I guess so. 
Dumbledore: It'll all makes sense when you're older. 
Now get out of here you little scab. 
Gotta go interview the new defense against the dark arts 
teacher. 
Got it down to uh, 
Gilderoy Lockhart, Mad-eye Moody, and 
some fella named Squirrel. 
I don't want anybody dangerous so I think I'm going to go 
with 
the squirrel. 
I'll see you next year, boy. 
Harry: I'm going to miss you, Dumbledore. 
Dumbledore: Gonna miss you too, kid. I love you. 
Disapparate! 
Seamus: Alright Harry, see you next year mate. 
Harry: Have a good summer, Seamus. 
Dean; Peace my brother, my brother 
Harry: Aw Dean, get outta here you crazy son of a bitch. 
Snape: Harry Potter! 
I thought you might like this. 
It's a picture of your mother. 
The last one known before she died. 
Harry: Thanks, Snape! That's really nice of you. 
You really are a great guy. 
Snape: I said you'd liked it not you can have it. 
It's going back under my pillow where it belongs. 
Harry: Geez Snape is such a dick. 
Ron: Hey! You don't have to worry about that now, Harry, 
because...well 
Because it's summer! 
Hermione: Yeah! 
 
[Days of Summer plays]