Jealousy

Jealousy? Possessiveness? How does this whole thing work?

According to the Wikipedia, jealousy typically refers to the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that
occur when a person believes a valued relationship is being threatened by a rival. Jealousy is
distinct from envy; it concerns something one has and is afraid of losing, while envy concerns
something one does not have and either he wants to acquire (non-malicious envy) or he wants
the other(s) not to have (malicious envy).

Jealousy is particularly relevant to polyamory. It is one of the first things people ask about. 'How
does that work? Don't you get jealous?" or "Oh I'm too jealous, so I could never do that."

Our dominant culture has some pretty messed up ideas regarding jealousy.... that jealousy is
proof of love... that acts of violence are excusable by feelings of jealousy. There's a whole
mythology that clearly implies that control, jealousy, possessiveness and love all go hand in hand.
In the face of this monolith of negativity, how do poly people handle jealousy?

Well, you pretty much have to change the way you think of jealousy to handle it. If you think of it
as a tool instead of a wall, you're halfway there.

When you get right down to it and really dissect what jealousy is, you notice that the bad feelings
that people call jealousy are actually a whole bunch of emotions, an umbrella term for a
complicated slew of things -- insecurity, fear, anger, envy... and if you identify and address each
issue making up the jealousy, it usually goes away.

For example, let’s say for instance that Dymitrje starts dating some fictional person called Sue. I
suddenly feel very jealous. I tell Dymitrje and we sit down and talk abut it. After some discussion,
we figure out that what's bugging me is that Dymitrje is spending a whole bunch of time with Sue
that he used to spend with me. So we work out a schedule in which I get enough alone time with
Dymitrje. As soon as my needs are met, I feel better about the situation. Sorted.

The key word here is "enough". You have to have a fair amount of self knowledge to prod
yourself and figure out what your needs and boundaries are, and its up to you to assert them.

Another example. Say for instance I start dating some fictional person called Paul. Dymitrje feels
really jealous and he lets me know about it. We talk about it and figure out that Dymitrje is feeling
insecure - he has a fear that I'm going to leave him for Paul. I reassure Dymitrje that that's highly
unlikely - and I go out of my way to act consistently and responsibly so that he believes what I say
and start to feel less insecure. Sorted.

See? Its a process, and if you have a commitment to working these things out, its doable.
Jealousy is everyone’s issue. Not just the person feeling them. Everyone has a responsibility to
work through it.

So basically jealousy is not a unique emotion to itself, it is a combination of unpleasant feelings.

Jealousy is a secondary symptom - it means something else is going on.

A good example of something that causes jealousy is lack of communication. If I don't feel like I
know what's going on, I get incredibly jealous, because I imagine far more than is really
happening – fear of the unknown.

One thing to remember though.... sometimes your jealousy is actually a red flag that you _are_ in
danger of losing something... your partner _is_ about to ditch you for the new shiny, or someone
_is_ trying to "steal away" your partner from you. But this should not be the first assumption you
jump to. Never ascribe to malice what may be adequately explained by common stupidity, and
never ascribe to stupidity what may be adequately explained by thoughtlessness.

Also, don't assume "real" polyamorous people don’t feel jealousy. They probably do, but just
handle it differently.

Practical Advice:
- Try not to lump all those feelings together and simplify as one emotion, "jealous". Instead tackle
each emotion separately. The reasons why you are jealous are most likely valid.
- Once you have all your issues listed out, then go to your partner and discuss it with them.
Communicate! You may discover that your conclusions, are not in fact reality. Ask your partner to
help you through these issues because its pretty hard to do all on your own.

The bonus of all this processing is that by doing it, you strengthen your relationship. You get to
know things about each other and build each other's trust through adversity. Communication skills
are a polyamorous person's most useful thing ever.

There are a lot of useful URLS on the Internet about jealousy in polyamory. I've included a list of
some below.

URLs:

http://www.pepperminty.com/writing/jealousy.pdf
http://www.xeromag.com/fvpolyjealousy.html
http://www.xeromag.com/fvpolyrefrigerator.html
http://joe.bi.org/jealousy.html
http://www.ejhs.org/volume6/polyamory.htm (good section on jealousy)
http://www.bcholmes.org/poly/polythoughts.html
http://stason.org/TULARC/sex-relationships/polyamory/5-Polyamory-What-about-jealousy.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jealousy
http://www.polyfamilies.com/polyjealousy.html
http://www.xeromag.com/practicaljealousy.pdf
http://lacysteele.wordpress.com/2008/08/20/polyamory-jealousy/
http://www.serolynne.com/poly_jealousy.htm
http://tacit.livejournal.com/157242.html
http://primatediaries.blogspot.com/2007/11/polyamory-and-evolution-of-jealous-god.html
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Wagner_Making_Peace_with_Jealousy_Handout.pdf
http://www-personal.umich.edu/~dastony/jealousy.html
http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/Poly/Labriola/jealousy.html
http://www.theinnbetween.net/polyjealousy.html
http://cat-and-dragon.com/stef/Poly/pfeelings.html

http://ask.serolynne.com/?p=32
http://confessionsofalibertine.blog-city.com/anger_jealousy_and_nonmonogamy.htm
http://community.livejournal.com/polyamory/2747540.html
http://poundcake.wordpress.com/2009/06/18/jealousy-management/
http://practicalpolyamory.blogspot.com/2009/08/camilla-of-daily-loaf-on-jealousy-and.html
http://www.examiner.com/x-20570-Boston-Open-Relationships-Examiner~y2009m12d16-Open-
Questions-jealousy-an-epilogue
http://freaksexual.wordpress.com/2010/08/11/jealousy-monogamy-and-power/
http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2010/08/18/handling-jealousy-how-to-fuck-up/
http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2010/09/mono-poly-and-roots-of-gay-jealousy.html
Reid Mihalko's "Day of Jealousy" phone calls :
http://www.reidaboutsex.com/dayofjealousy/
found this review of what advice was in them :

---
1. Examining your jealousy gives you an opportunity to get to the root of what is making you feel
jealous and working on that emotion (feelings of abandonment, loss, anger, feeling threatened,
self-esteem issues, etc).

2. Discussing jealousy can strengthen a couples "bond".

3. Unfortunately, jealousy is socially acceptable. It's more socially acceptable for a man who
walks-in on his wife having sex with another man to murder them than to cry about it and walk
away. He's almost "expected" to act violently!

4. Jealousy is always telling you something, and you need to listen.

5. It makes you feel vulnerable to admit you're not in control of your emotions, or to admit that you
feel inferior to another person.

6. Examine your "expectations" in your relationships. All relationships are based on someone's
expectations of some sort.
Example: "We've been together for 6 months now, and he hasn't dated anyone else in that time,
so that must mean we're exclusive…and I expect him to feel the same way".
If an expectation is not being met it can bring on feelings of jealousy. Talk openly about it with
your S.O..

7. Manage and limit your negative emotions by:

a) Having a primary loyalty to your primary relationship.
b) Go for "common ground" (Be careful about dating an exclusively monogamous person if you
are already in a polyamorous dyadic relationship) .
c) Always be honest and up-front.

8. Take "ownership" of your emotions. It's not fair to say "YOU made me feel jealous when you
started dating so-and-so". Take
responsibility for your own feelings. "I felt jealous when you…" "I feel insecure when…"

9. Be as generous, open, and inclusive as you can be in all your relationships. Be fair. Don't
expect more than you can give.

10. It's OK to feel jealous. Don't try to hide or "stuff" your feelings of jealousy. Don't beat yourself
up about feeling jealous. Be willing to be vulnerable. Cry. Ask for hugs and support.