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Even though there are many more out lesbian, gay and bisexual
people in today’s society, most of us still grow up in a world
where being straight or heterosexual is seen as the norm.
Whether it’s a family member asking us if we have a girlfriend
or boyfriend, or a friend expecting us to like someone off the
TV, people often make assumptions that just because you are
male or female you will be attracted to certain people and you
will look, behave and feel a certain way.
In reality, though, the way we look, act and feel varies hugely,
including to whom we are attracted. Very rarely are we told that
being attracted to people of the same gender or to both genders
is also perfectly normal for many, many people.
This guide has been written by lesbian, gay and bisexual young
people, who have drawn on their own personal experiences to
make the process of coming out as lesbian, gay or bisexual easier
for others. Whether you are certain that you are lesbian, gay or
bisexual, or are still unsure about your sexual orientation, this
guide is written to help you understand your own feelings and
how to share them with others when you feel ready.
Coming out is different for everyone, and although we hope this
guide will help with that process, it won’t provide you with a
definitive answer to all your questions or tell you the right way to
do it. What it will hopefully do is give you some useful tips,
highlight other people’s experiences and provide useful links to
further information and support.
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1. Websites
There are now a number of websites for LGBT people that offer
information and advice (see Websites on page 40).
2. Online Forums
If you don’t feel ready to talk to other people face to face,
there are a number of online forums where you can talk to
other lesbian, gay and bisexual people. This can be a safe and
anonymous way to find out more and discuss how you are
feeling. See www.lgbtyouth.org.uk/forum.
3. Support Groups
There are a number of youth groups where you can meet other
lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender young people in a safe
and confidential environment. For a list of LGBT youth groups
in Scotland see: www.lgbtyouth.org.uk/get-involved.htm.
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Benefits
– Being yourself
– Unloading the burden
– Living as you want to live
– Meeting other lesbian, gay and bisexual people
– Helping/supporting other lesbian, gay and bisexual people
– Gradually feeling at ease with yourself
– Educating others/breaking down stereotypes/myths
– Being a positive role model for others
Considerations
– Homophobia
– Safety
– Negative reactions
– Being rejected
– People not taking it seriously
– Some people might treat you differently
– People not listening/understanding (ignorance)
– People trying to talk you out of it
Coming out rarely is all good or all bad, but if you do have a
negative experience, remember that by coming out you will have
increased opportunities to meet other LGBT people, make new
friends, and receive support from others.
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Get support
– See the Support & Advice section, page 8.
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If anyone you come out to reacts negatively try and find a safe
way to remove yourself from the situation. If their response
involved verbal or physical abuse, you may want to report this to
the police. See Reporting a Hate Crime, page 27, for more
information.
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– Think about what family member to tell first; who you think
might be most supportive.
– Some parents or carers, may blame themselves, or think that
they did something wrong. Try and reassure them that this is
a part of you that no-one can change, and that it has nothing
to do with them getting it wrong.
– If they are worried about you not having children, explain
there are many options if you want to be a parent.
– Be ready to have a conversation about it with them and
be ready to answer questions.
– Remember that the first reactions you get from family
members may not be a true representation of how they’ll
feel in the long term.
– Many parents, with time, can become your biggest advocate.
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General Safety
– Always go with a friend or group of friends –
that way you can look out for each other.
– Keep money aside for a taxi home.
– Make sure your mobile phone is charged.
– Keep an eye on your drink and don’t accept
drinks from strangers.
Some people will really enjoy going out on the scene, but if you
don’t that’s OK too. There are lots of ways to make friends or meet
other LGBT people, that doesn’t involve going to an LGBT bar or club.
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If you start going out with someone, you might want to have sex.
There are lots of things you can do, like kissing and cuddling,
touching each other, mutual masturbation, or oral, vaginal or anal
sex. The key to good sex is feeling comfortable with your partner
and understanding what each other want. The best way to do this
is through talking to each other, being honest, and taking things
at your own pace. It is never OK to be pressured into doing things
you don’t want to. Another good way to find out what you like
and don’t like sexually is through masturbation and getting to
know your own body.
There are lots of leaflets, websites and other resources that are
available on safer sex. One example of these is the Healthy
Respect website: www.healthyrespect.co.uk.
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If for whatever reason you are unsure about going to the police,
then you can make a remote report (sometimes called 3rd party
reporting) via a local support agency who are linked into the
police. LGBT Youth Scotland is one of these agencies, with remote
reporting available at all its local services. LGBT Youth Scotland’s
website also has detailed information and links to each police
force area across Scotland, which lists all remote reporting
agencies.
It’s OK to let the person know that it might take you time to get
used to the idea, but that you will do your best to support them.
It’s also OK to ask questions, as this shows that you are taking
them seriously. At the same time, try and be sensitive about how
they are feeling – it’s not easy coming out to someone close to
you. Other sections of this booklet can help to answer some of
these questions or how to ask them in a sensitive way.
There have been lots of new pieces of legislation over the last
few years which give lesbian, gay, and bisexual people more
rights to be recognised, included and kept safe from harm.
This section lists a few of the key pieces of legislation and
what they mean for you.
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Gay
A man who is physically/emotionally attracted
to other men.
Lesbian/Gay
A woman who is physically/ emotionally attracted
to other women.
Bisexual
A person who is attracted to both men and women.
Transgender
Someone who identifies as a different gender to
that which they were assigned at birth.
Coming Out
Knowing and telling people who you are and who
you are attracted to.
Questioning
When someone is still unsure about their sexual orientation.
LGBT
Stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender.
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