c

Are You A People Pleaser?

Written by Jackie Paulson on January 29, 2011
http://postadaychallenge2011.wordpress.com/

If you are a people pleaser there is nothing wrong with

pleasing people, including ourselves. If we¶re willing to
make sacrifices for the sake of another, who are we to say
that¶s wrong?
The key to understanding people pleasing is the fact that,
people pleasing isn¶t about pleasing others, but fending off
our fear of rejection.
Those of us who would consider themselves people
pleasers are generally individuals who:
³Feel the need to be accepted by the world around them.´
And not just a general acceptance, but that of each person
they come in contact with. And to maintain this madness,
we seek to please.
Let me just start by saying that I¶m one of the biggest
people pleasers out there. Show me a possible moment
of displeasure and I¶ll jump in and fill the need as fast as I
can in hopes of both harmony among those involved as

   

 
  cc


well as positive feelings toward little old me. I¶m not a

saint by any stretch; I just have the disease to please.

=

 



 


Œne of the great misconceptions among people pleasers
is this idea that we¶re µgood people¶ who are just trying to
make everybody happy. As I stated before, it¶s not so
much our great concern for another human being, but our
obsession with the way others may perceive us. As a
result, we tend to say yes to everything and rarely stick up
for ourselves. Even if someone blatantly wrongs us, we
are usually the ones who absorb the hurt and then stand
in the corner, fuming to ourselves. It¶s not a pretty site.
The fact is, when we try to please everybody, we end up
pleasing nobody. Tired from the burnout that comes from
the over extension of ourselves and frustrated by the fact
that we keep letting others take advantage of us, r




 

 

 


 

 


  
 



 Then,
when we finally run into a situation where our help is truly
needed, we are too depleted to help out. Also, our ability
to decipher a real need from that of someone trying to take
advantage of our people pleasing nature, is quite skewed.
In our minds, every µneed¶ is a requirement for us to act
and in time, this wears us down to worthlessness.
Huh?

   

 
  cc
 -

To some, this may sound a little off beat. Maybe you¶re

wondering, ³What¶s your point and where are you going
with this?´ The fact is, if you are a people pleaser, you
know EXACTLY what I¶m talking about. If not, then this
won¶t make much sense and might not even be worth your
time. Today I¶m speaking to the people pleasers in hopes
that I can help some of you break free from this awful
addiction and start living your life more effectively and with
a freedom you never thought possible.
A Brief History
I¶ve always been the easy going type. Easy to get along
with and an all around positive person. In many
conversations I¶d be the first to encourage others or just
be plain agreeable. If someone was down, I was there to
help pick them up. I just couldn¶t stand to see others in
any sort of pain.
I figured I was a pretty darn good person. Compared to
many around me, I stood out as the peace maker. But
soon it became apparent that much of my good nature
stemmed from the fact that I couldn¶t stand to not be
pleasing to others. My sensor for acceptance was way out
of sorts as I perceived a neutral stance as negativity
toward me. Though I genuinely wanted to see others
happy, I had to come to terms with the fact that much of
this desire was selfish in nature.

   

 
  cc
  

 
 



 







 










 

 


 

r






 

 

 



For me, the fear of rejection was the source of my
addiction. But recently I¶ve come to fear a much greater
element of life; failure. Œ , let¶s step back for a second.
When I say fear of failure, I¶m speaking of the healthy kind
of fear. We could even rephrase the word fear with
µhealthy respect¶. My fear of rejection was the kind of fear
that kept me up at night, while my new found respect for
failure is the kind that motivates the heck out of me.
There¶s a BIG difference here.
I¶m not saying that I am no longer a people pleaser. Far
from it! Just like an alcoholic is always an alcoholic,
recovering as they may be, I¶m just a recovering people
pleaser. I still struggle with my fear of rejection and often
find myself seeking to please others for the sake of
feeding my need to be liked, but as my fear/respect for
failure grows in strength, my focus is less likely to allow
capture from this awful addiction.
What does failure have to do with people pleasing?
So I now fear failure. Why? Well, much of my frustration
in life has been the result of this disease. I¶ll go against

   

 
  cc
 ü

every instinct in my body to please another human being

and then pull my hair out in dismay when the result is the
complete opposite of forward progress. It¶s one thing to
fail because you made a mistake, but when you miss out
on opportunity because you were too busy trying to make
things right with the world; you find a frustration that is not
easily matched. Œnce this healthy respect for forward
progress made its way into my mind, I started seeing the
hold that people pleasing had on me, weaken and wither.
4






As individuals, we all have our own personal flavor. Some
are sweet, some salty and others plain bitter. But as a
people pleaser, because of our skill of going with the flow
at all costs, we lose our flavor all together. We try to blend
with every personality we come in contact with and as a
result our own personality fades. What makes you, YŒ
,
is your own blend of Yes¶s and No¶s. It¶s our beliefs and
values and preferences that give us our spice. Lose this
and you lose yourself in the process. Before long, you
end up forgetting what you¶re all about. This can be a
scary realization and one that should be harnessed to help
push us out of our people pleasing ways.
4


 
  


Another thing we lose when blending in with the world
around us is our ability to properly perceive a healthy need

   

 
  cc
 X

from a selfish desire. Just like children, adults need to be

told no from time to time. If everyone got their way 100%
of the time we¶d be one messed up society (at least more
messed up than we already are). So it¶s our job as an
individual to stand up for what we believe is right. If
someone needs assistance and we can accurately
determine the need to be sincere, it is our job to address
that need if at all possible. Not necessarily to say yes
every time (just because YŒ
are asked for help doesn¶t
mean that YŒ
are the one to help out), but to remain
open to the assistance of others. But if someone selfishly
requests our attention, it is equally imperative that we say
no. The more we let others walk all over us, the less
clarity we will have as we try and assess the needs around
us.

  


r





 



 

 
 








 



 








 

r 










  

Ë Someone who says yes, even when their mind says
no.
Ë Someone who is devastated when they think
someone doesn¶t like them.

   

 
  cc
 â

Ë Someone who would rather feel personal pain than

displease another.
Ë Someone who cringes at the first sign of friction.
Ë Someone who is willing to fail in the name of pleasing
another.
Ë Someone who has lost their own sense of unique
personality and belief.
Ë Someone who is not willing to speak up for
themselves.
Ë Someone who loses sleep over the slightest
altercation with another.
Ë Someone who feels out of control when they think
another human being may disagree with what they¶re
doing.
Ë Someone who starts to see their desire to please
others as a separate part of themselves. Separate
from the rest of who they are as an individual.





 




 





 

1. 

  
 As I stated earlier, the best way
to overcome people pleasing is to ³«find the source
of the problem and then counteract it with its opposite

   

 
  cc
 

and hopefully stronger sibling.´ What is people

pleasing keeping you from doing or being? Figure
this out and then use that knowledge to find a
stronger source of fear to feed on. As I mentioned
earlier, this latter kind of fear should be the healthy
kind. A respect that keeps us motivated.
2. 


 




 
 


 
 




   After years of
putting our YES reaction on autopilot, we may find it
hard to determine the validity of the incoming
requests. The only way I know to bring this
barometer back to a balanced state is to go through a
time of constant No¶s. After a while it will become
more clear when you are turning down a non-
essential request and when a real need is not being
addressed. During this process, be sure to remind
yourself that even those valid needs that you are
turning down will be addressed by another. Which
leads me to my next tip«
3. 4 






 




 Believe it or not, one
of the strong characteristics of a people pleaser is the
need to control EVERYTHING. If anything, our
pleasing ways are nothing more than a subtle
manipulation to retain control of the situation. We are
trying to control what others think of us and how they
act toward us. This leads us to feel that we are also

   

 
  cc
 —

responsible for every need that comes our way. I

truly believe that each individual was made to assist
others in specific ways. Therefore, it is impossible
that we should take on each request that comes our
way. Even those that are truly sincere and equally
valid, are not necessarily the needs we are supposed
to address. Œver time, as we begin to see clearly
once again, we will be able to accurately address
those needs that are specific to our nature. The rest
we will redirect elsewhere, confident that they were
not meant for our attention. So let go of this idea that
you can/will/should take on the troubles of the world
and let go of this control that you think you have.
4. 




 










  I love it when I get in a flow of positive
productivity. I¶m knocking out task after task and I
feel like I can take on anything. Then, all of a sudden,
I have a conflict with another. Maybe they sent me a
nasty email or maybe it was a phone call, but
somehow I was given notice that they were not
pleased with me. My world shrinks and my drive
dwindles into nothingness. Œut the windows goes my
productivity as I place everything on hold to sulk at
the situation. I lose sleep, my appetite and my clarity
of thought. Œnly recently have I clearly seen the
insanity of this silliness. Why am I placing my own

   

 
  cc
 c

peace of mind and future progress, in the hands of

someone who may have just been having a bad
day? 








!"







 
r




 #
5. 


 


 
r
 



 


 

  Œne of the wonderful
characteristics of the people pleaser is their honest
desire to help others. Yes, we can be manipulative
bastards, no doubt, but we truly DΠwant to help. The
problem is that when we are µpracticing people
pleasers¶ we are unhealthily distributing our
assistance. This just keeps us unclear of the real
needs around us and frustrated as we try to help.
Instead of this madness, try to proactively address the
needs that you see as necessary. Enjoy these
moments and let them feed on your desire to help.
Œver time, this desire to care for another will be less
out of control and you will find it M
CH easier to say
no when no is the necessary word.
6. $

%$ !&'
  I just
mentioned the word proactive in the previous tip. This
is CR
CIAL! As people pleasers, we are so
overwhelmed as we take on every request of
assistance that comes our way, that we have no time
or energy to address the issues that WE see as fit for
our attention. Think about how CRAZY this is! What

   

 
  cc
 cc

we are essentially doing is assuming that everyone

else¶s idea of our time well spent is more accurate
that our own. We need to figure out for ourselves
what needs we should be addressing and then go out
and address them.



r



r






 




 



 


r 
 



 

   

 
  cc