A Letter to My Ex-Girlfriends

Cam Adair Follow

Feb 5, 2018 · 5 min read

Credit: Jay Yeoward

“This too shall pass.”

-Unknown

Today I fly to Vancouver to speak at the Mental Health Commission of Canada.

This trip is much more than a speech though — it’s the first time I am back in Vancouver
after leaving two years ago with a broken heart, and vow to never return.
I guess it’s time to share that story.
Three years ago I was in Vancouver to obtain my U.S. Visa, and I met a girl who took my
breath away. Our energies aligned immediately, effortlessly. We went to dinner a few
times, and I shared that I was into her, but I had plans to fly to Bali the following week.

She had plans to quit her corporate job soon to travel for a few months before going back
to school in the fall, so I let her know I would be in Bali if that sounded fun. ;)

Three weeks later she was on a plane, and our first date consisted of traveling together
for seven weeks through four countries. It’s one of those things that would either really
work, or really not work, and it really worked. I can only speak for myself, but I had the
time of my life. It was magic.

At the end of the trip we flew back to Vancouver together, in love.

With the freedom to live anywhere in the world, I committed to moving to Vancouver to
be with her, I just had to complete a road trip around the U.S. I had planned for work
first.

Midway through the trip I was in Phoenix sitting in a café when I realized that all I
wanted to do in that moment was be with her, so I typed Vancouver into Google Maps
and drove straight there. Two days, and 24 hours of driving later, I arrived full of glee.

I never saw what was coming next.

Six weeks later we broke up. It wasn’t because we were fighting, or that our relationship
wasn’t “working”, it was simply that she felt called to pursue a different path in life. I felt
blindsided, confused, angry, frustrated, and so much more. I was truly devasted.

I gave her space for a few days before checking in to see if this was really what she
wanted, and to the last ounce of hope my heart had, she said it was.

The next morning I packed everything I owned back into my car, and started driving to
Boulder, Colorado, where my incredible friend and mentor, Cara Yar Khan, so graciously
opened her home to support me in beginning my healing journey.

I feel emotional in this moment being present with not only how grateful I am that she
nurtured me in such an honorable way, but also because of how intense this entire
experience has been.
I’ll never forget driving to Colorado where the first day I drove for 12 hours on the same
road I had been driving on only a few weeks earlier, but from the complete opposite side
of the emotional spectrum.

Six weeks earlier my face could barely contain my smile, and this time I was bawling my
eyes out, listening to an audiobook to try and occupy at least part of my brain from the
intensity of dark thoughts I was unable to shake.

The relief I felt walking in the door to Cara’s home 22 hours later is unable to be
described in words.

I was just happy to be safe.

Although my heart was broken and everything was still fresh, I was fiercly committed to
this experience being a catalyst of growth in my life.

And it has been. I am who I am today because of this experience, and so many others.

I went through a similar pattern in 2014 when I left Calgary. I left with a broken heart
and it took me three years to return home. Today I return to Vancouver after only two
years, so I guess that’s called progress.

To be honest, I’ve always felt a lot of shame about these experiences. It’s embarrassing to
acknowledge the intensity of my emotions, and how devastating break-ups have been for
me. I still feel this way sometimes, although to a less degree every day as I learn to love
myself fully for all of who I am.

A few weeks ago I looked up my ex from Calgary on Instagram — something I am

stubbornly good at avoiding, but it just felt right — and I saw that she is now married. I
found myself genuinely happy for her, a new experience for me and something I will
admit vulnerably I never thought would be possible. Healing really is powerful.

Last week while hiking in Joshua Tree I felt inspired to write a letter to my Ex-Girlfriends,
so as I return to Vancouver today and complete another chapter along my healing
journey, I guess there is no better time than now.

A Letter To My Ex-Girlfriends
I do not know where to begin so I will just start here.
I miss you so dearly.
I am sorry for my entitlement
and all expectations that I had.
I am sorry for not hearing you,
and not sharing my deepest truths with you.
I am sorry for wanting to keep you
all to myself,
instead of allowing the world
to bathe in your magnificence.
Thank you for your magnificence.
You are radiant.
Fierce. Passionate. Brilliant.
You have been one of my greatest teachers,
a catalyst of my growth,
a poet of my heart song.
A beautiful reflection of my soul.
My deepest inner work.
You have taught me to love,
to dance, to cry.
Oh I have cried.
And laughed. And smiled.
And felt.
Oh I have felt. Thank you.
You have let me go.
Inspired me to fly.
To be free. To be me.
Thank you for the memories.
I celebrate you. I honor you.
I am deeply humbled by you.
Eternally grateful for you.
Part of me still wants to hold on.
To wonder what if — I wish.
It wasn’t what I wanted,
but everything I needed.
You have been a true gift.
Thank you for your gift.
My love for you is everlasting.
Forever. I wish you nothing but the best.
And I am finally ready to release you.
To set your energy free.
Thank you.
You are a gift.
And with a final tear falling done my cheek,
I wish you farewell.
I bless you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.

. . .

Cam Adair is an internationally recognized speaker, entrepreneur, and pioneer on video

game addiction. Named one of Canada’s top 150 leaders in Mental Health, he’s the founder
of Game Quitters, a community platform that supports 50,000 people per month in 85
countries. Connect with Cam on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter.

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