Looks and Longterm Fidelity

In the second of a five-part series on love and

relationships, Tom Matlack and author Laura
Munson debate the question: How important is
physical appearance to long-term fidelity?
 MUNSON: Many of us fear this question because
many of us liked our 20-year-old bodies better than our current (44-year-old,
in my case) bodies. The beer commercials tell us we’re supposed to. But I’d
be willing to bet that even if we still had that bikini body (and some of us do,
so power to you!), we’d still look in the mirror and find something wrong. I
remember looking in the mirror and thinking my butt was big when I
weighed 25 pounds less than I do now and I was in the prime of my physical
life. I’d do anything to have that “big butt” back. But would I really? Is that
what I need in order to feel attractive? My 44-year-old mind tells me that I
know better. In longterm committed relationships, what perhaps was once
about physical attraction morphs into a seasoned love that transcends
physicality. Not always—but hopefully. Because our bodies will change and
sag and even be riddled with sickness.

My husband used to say, “You’re beautiful and you’re going to get more

beautiful with age.” That was his 20-year-old self

being caught in the beauty myth. Life becomes about a lot more than what
your butt looks like. We’ve been through death, near divorce, birth, career
changes—the regular stresses and gifts of life. And I’ve learned that the
most freedom I’ve felt is in letting go of that beauty myth. That’s not where
your power lies. It lies in forgiveness, loving kindness, going easy on your
partner in rough times, not taking things personally, being personally
responsible, and re-creating yourself in every moment. It’s about having fun
and waking up every day agreeing that you’re going to be the best married
person you can be. If it’s my butt that keeps my husband around, then I don’t
want that marriage. I think respect goes miles farther than any ass ever did—
and that the definition of beauty changes as you grow.

♦◊♦

MATLACK: I agree with you that appearance in marriage is filtered

through the eyes of “seasoned love.” I have told my wife on numerous
occasions that if she were to get plastic surgery, as many of the women in
our circle of friends have, I would be enormously disappointed. To me,
beauty isn’t about artificial perfection. It’s about the natural aging process.
My wife is more beautiful to me now than the day I met her. At 46, she
keeps herself in great shape and has the long lines, figure, blond hair, and
startling blue eyes of a shooting star. But it’s not that she looks young, it’s
that she’s mine, and we love each other. It’s the feeling of her body and all
the little things that make her uniquely her that I adore, and that make her so
beautiful.

I was at a Christmas party recently, talking to a group of guys I barely knew.

My wife walked across the room behind me in a black dress and high heels.
Every one of the guys’ eyes followed her from one doorway to the other.
Finally, one guy, Jim, said, “Who is that?” Another guy laughed. “That’s
Tom’s wife!” Jim high-fived me and then gave me a bear hug in
congratulations.

None of this is meant to say that my wife is a model or is going to be on the

front page of Glamour anytime soon (though I think she should be!).
Objectively, she is a very beautiful woman. To me, she is the most beautiful
woman on earth—because I adore her. I never think about other women
because she is everything I’ve ever wanted.

There is an important distinction here: physical appearance is not the same

thing as attraction. From a male perspective, many very beautiful women
become immediately unattractive as soon as they open their mouths.
Attraction has to do with the whole person, inside and out. And fidelity, in
the long term, has to do with an enduring attraction built on passion that
colors the way a husband looks at his wife. It is not about looking like a
Victoria’s Secret model, but about a husband feeling a pounding in his chest
when he sees the woman he has come to know over the course of years and
—despite inevitable difficulties of marriage—still has an animal attraction
that he can’t even fully explain. It simply is. She is the one. Not in a
magazine cover kind of way, but an in-the-flesh, real, three-dimensional,
human-connection kind of way.

That’s how I feel about my wife, and, I’d like to believe, why she can attract
the glances she does at a party. She is not just hot—she’s loved.

♦◊♦

MUNSON: Please tell me that you shared this response with his wife. What
a love letter. I wonder if it’s a rare one though. I’m not sure most people
would describe their spouses this way. Too many people dwell in the
“what’s wrong” with their partner instead of “what’s right.” Often, it’s about
outer appearance. And once you start doing that, you get off each other’s
team. I have always felt that my husband and I are on the same team, even
when we went through a significant marital crisis that almost led to
separation. Couples meet in a place of oneness and co-creation. I don’t
believe in the Jerry Maguire “you complete me” concept. I believe in
Rilke’s notion of being guardians of each other’s solitude, or individuality.
That kind of love brings longevity. That kind of love is not about the way a
person looks.

♦◊♦

Read the first of this series: “Great Sex or Fighting Fair?“

♦◊♦
Laura A. Munson, author of This Is Not the Story You Think It Is, wrote one
of the most widely read and talked about New York Times Modern Love
columns ever: “Those Aren’t Fighting Words, Dear.” She lives with her
family in Montana. You can visit her website, and find her on Facebook and
Twitter.

—Photo by Rachel Davies/Flickr

Filed Under: Featured Content, Good Is Good Tagged With: Fidelity, Good
Is Good, Laura Munson, looks, marriage, Modern Love, Montana, new york
times, physical appearance, relationships, sex, This Is Not The Story You
Think It Is, Tom Matlack

About Tom Matlack

Tom Matlack is just foolish enough to believe he is a decent man. He has a

16-year-old daughter and 14- and 5-year-old sons. His wife, Elena, is the
love of his life.

Comments

1. Amy Alkon says:

January 31, 2011 at 6:45 am

I find the notion that men “should” be attracted to women for what’s
within — which is just not how male sexuality works — extremely
damaging.

As I write in my recent Psychology Today piece on the truth about

beauty:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201010/the-truth-about-
beauty

No man will turn his head to ogle a woman because she looks like the
type to buy a turkey sandwich for a homeless man or read to the blind.

A man can think you’re a beautiful human being but if you let
yourself go to seed, there’s a good chance he’s not going to be
sexually attracted to you anymore, and that can prove dangerous to a
relationship.

Men’s looks matter to heterosexual women only somewhat. Most

women prefer men who are taller than they are, with symmetrical
features (a sign that a potential partner is healthy and parasite-free).
But, women across cultures are intent on finding male partners with
high status, power, and access to resources—which means a really
short guy can add maybe a foot to his height with a private jet.

Women, also, may no longer be attracted to a partner if he lets his

hygiene go or puts on a lot of weight. But, women’s looks are a far
greater priority to men than men’s are to women.

If you know how important looks are to a man, you understand that
it’s disrespectful to your partner to let yourself go. Now, I’m not
saying a woman has to be dressed to the nines at all times. But, as I
say at the end of the piece:

Too many women try to get away with a bait-and-switch approach to

appearance upkeep. If you spend three hours a day in the gym while
you’re dating a guy, don’t think that you can walk down the aisle and
say “I do…and, guess what…now I don’t anymore!” A woman needs
to come up with a workable routine for maintaining her looks
throughout her lifetime and avoid rationalizing slacking off— while
she’s seeking a man and after she has one. Yeah, you might have to
put five or ten extra minutes into prettying up just to hang around the
house. And, sure, you might be more “comfortable” in big sloppy
sweats, but how “comfortable” will you be if he leaves you for a
woman who cares enough to look hot for him?”

Reply
 o Tina says:

January 31, 2011 at 10:22 am

I’ll keep myself pretty, but I’m not putting any more work into
my appearance than my spouse does. If I have to put ten more
minutes into my appearance, than I expect him to do it, too,
regardless of what science says, which doesn’t even try to
figure out if it’s a culturally conditioned thing or not. Physical
appearance is a subjective thing. In some cultures, women don’t
have to do anything to keep up their appearance. Fat, AKA,
letting your self go in American culture, is seen as beautiful in
some cultures, because it means you have wealth and status–for
both men and women. And both sexes find this attractive.
Anthropological research in Malia will tell you that.

Reply

2. Jenniffer C. Weigel says:

January 31, 2011 at 6:47 am

Attraction in general has to be in tact- that doesn’t necessarily mean

how one “looks”.. If you have a stunning spouse yet you’ve lost
respect for them somehow- that will cause a rift that goes deeper than
how they look in a bathing suit!

Reply

3. Matthew Piepenburg says:

January 31, 2011 at 6:48 am

 Romantic love begins with the eyes and finds its duration in the chest
and mind. To deny the initial importance of physical attraction is
frankly disingenuous; however, as love deepens, what i see as “sexy”
or attractive in my lover has far less to do with the standard measures
(that admittedly have their place early on) and more to do with simple
gestures, hidden sparks, and a silent language and desire earned over
years together. Her sexy little sounds and glances turn me on– even
her scent. This kind of attraction is gained over time–because we have
grown together and moved beyond surfaces, which we all recognize
change with time. (but even as the wrinkles set in– i still see the sexy
younger woman i first met). Fidelity and attraction are only as
powerful as the people who comprise the bond–and as time teaches
it’s lessons we hopefully see that what makes a couple work truly has
less and less to do with the flesh and more and more to do with the
essential– which is invisable.

Reply

4. David Wise says:

January 31, 2011 at 8:47 am

No more mushy talk. Puleeze, I’m getting embarrassed. Hee, hee

Reply

5. Amy Alkon says:

January 31, 2011 at 8:57 am

I have not read the above piece, nor did I comment on it. Tom
Matlack asked me to respond to a question about looks and fidelity
which I thought would be used in a piece. My comment can remain
above, although I still have not read the piece, as I’m on deadline, and
was last night when I took time out to comment for what looked like a
 quote that was being requested for a piece he was writing.

Reply

o Tom Matlack says:

January 31, 2011 at 9:04 am

Apologies for the miscommunication Amy. Your comment

stands on its own and adds to the overall conversation.
@tmatlack

Reply

6. Matt says:

January 31, 2011 at 9:44 am

I think it comes down to one simple thing: if you love someone

enough, you always see them in a better light then anyone else.

Reply

7. Denis says:

January 31, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Let’s just state the obvious and say that women are often far more
superficial in their outer appearance. It’s not just men driving this
superficiality; women are their own worst enemies and are the ones
driving the market that sells them products.

“plastic surgery, as many of the women in our circle of friends have”

 As a rule of thumb, women who put such extra effort into their
superficiality are compensating for deficiencies in their
personalities…fugly on the inside and best avoided. These insecure
types will be constantly fishing for compliments to feed their fragile
egos.

“I never think about other women because she is everything I’ve ever
wanted.”

Nobody believes such obvious lies and it can even feed her
insecurities when she knows she is being lied to.

Reply

8. Mervyn Kaufman says:

January 31, 2011 at 2:24 pm

Love adheres to no specific formula. A lot of truly successful

marriages begin as intellectual attraction that morphs into physical
attraction as well. Which should come first? Who is to say? Most
important, I think, is that a man and a woman at least begin their
relationship on the same page—that their individual needs and views
overlap successfully. When my wife’s favorite cousin, a widow,
summed up the virtues of a new boyfriend she’d met online—”He’s
good in bed”—we knew the relationship would be short-lived. Tom
Matlack’s description of his relationship with his wife, as detailed
above, is really a Valentine that I feel certain she appreciates.

Reply