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Second Revised
Edition, 2003. Third Revised Edition, 2009. All rights reserved. No portion of this
book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or
by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any other—except
for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior written permission of the
publisher.
ISBN – 0-9642845-0-2
Library of Congress Card Catalog Number – 94-72620
Table of Contents
Welcome to Top Ten Relational Needs 4
Chapter 1:
Needs: An Important Aspect of How You Are Made! 5
Chapter 2:
The Top Ten Relational Needs 18
Chapter 3:
Overcoming Hindrances to Grateful Giving 37
Chapter 4:
Which Needs Are Most Important? 57
Chapter 5:
How Needs Impact Thoughts, Feelings, and Behavior 79
Chapter 6:
Giving to Meet the Needs of Others 96
Chapter 7:
Challenges to a “Giving First” Lifestyle 120
Chapter 8:
The Journey Into Intimate Relationships 134
3
Welcome to Top Ten Relational Needs
Top Ten Relational Needs is a course of study designed to help you explore the nature
of the key relational needs that all humans share. It is our hope that this resource
will help you to gain greater insight into how your relational needs are being met, as
well as equipping you to better recognize and meet the needs of others.
The fact that God has created each of us with relational needs points to an
important principle: We were never intended to live our lives alone. Like the faithful
of old, we are to be devoted to real community, or open, honest, authentic relation-
ships with other people. Thus, this course is not intended to be a study that you
undertake on your own. Rather, it is designed to be experienced in community with
others.
As a means of facilitating meaningful interaction among those who use this
resource, each of the book’s eight chapters contain the following features:
• Gratitude for Love—An experiential exercise in which you will be
challenged to reflect on the ways in which your needs are being met, and to
respond in gratitude. It is only when we recognize how our needs are
lovingly being met that we are empowered to do the same for one another.
• Living It Out—An experiential exercise in which you will have an
opportunity to share with others the insights being discovered
concerning your relational needs and the needs of those closest to you. This
time of sharing is intended to prompt mutual support and encouragement.
• Enrichment Group Notes— “Enrichment” of relationships takes place
in community with others; these additional readings, discussion questions,
and interactions provide for a deepened experience of enriched relation-
ships.
We hope that you will be equipped and transformed by this course as you pursue a
deeper understanding of our human neediness and the joy of giving to others.
4
Chapter 1
Needs:
An Important Aspect
of How You Are Made!
“And my God will meet all your needs according
W
to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus”
(Philippians 4:19).
First, we all share certain physical needs, such as our needs for the following:
• food
• water
• sleep
• oxygen
But humans are more than merely physical bodies. We also have spiritual needs, such
as our needs for:
5
Top Ten Relational Needs
Consider the implications of being “needy” of things like air, food, water;
•Why might we have been created to need such things?
•How do you “feel” about having to depend on breating, sleeping, food, etc.?
Finally, in addition to physical and spiritual needs, we all have relational needs. Ten
of the most significant relational needs that we share are our needs for the
following things:
• acceptance • comfort
• affection • encouragement
• appreciation • respect
• approval • security
• attention • support
Think about a time recently when you may have met one of the above needs in the
life of a family member or friend.
In this resource, we will explore the nature of each of these ten relational needs,
discuss why it is so important that we understand relational needs, and learn how
love is expressed through us as we meet the relational needs of others. But first, let
us explore five general characteristics of all needs, whether physical, spiritual, or
relational.
6
Needs: An Important Aspect of How You Are Made!
We all know that our basic physical needs remain constant throughout our lives—
human beings never reach a developmental stage where food, water, sleep, or
oxygen become optional luxuries. Likewise, our core spiritual needs do not diminish
with age. But it is important that we recognize that the same also holds true for our
relational needs. The increased knowledge and confidence that come with life expe-
rience can never negate our need for intimate and loving relationships with other
people.
Relational needs are generally easy to spot in children. Even if they are comfortable,
dry, fed, and well-rested, infants may cry just because they want some attention.
Similarly, toddlers who fall down may cry even when they are not badly hurt
because of their need for comfort. Some children might hold up their arms toward
their mother or father in order to signal their desire for affection, while others try to
get their parents to notice their developing academic, artistic, or athletic abilities
because of their need for approval.
7
Top Ten Relational Needs
The relational needs of adults, by contrast, are often less readily visible. This does
not mean, however, that we gradually “grow out of ” our relational needs as we get
older, or that our relational needs can somehow be met once and for all during
childhood. Rather, it is merely indicative of the fact that adults often labor to
conceal or deny the relational needs that they expressed so freely as children. The
truth is that, just like our needs for food and air, our relational needs must be
consistently met throughout our lives.
8
Needs: An Important Aspect of How You Are Made!
Finally, we must recognize that we do not have the ability or resources to meet our
own needs. For example, we cannot meet our own relational need for comfort.
Imagine coming home after a hard day at work, wrapping your arms around your
own neck, gently patting yourself on the back, and saying to yourself, “I’m so sorry
you had a hard day. Tell me all about it.” Not only would you look and feel
ridiculous, you would probably not feel comforted in the least.
Similarly, imagine trying to meet your own spiritual need for peace of mind by look-
ing at your face in the mirror and attempting to calmly reassure yourself that there
is no need to be concerned about all of the difficulties that you are facing because
everything will work out in the end. Such methods might be advocated by some, but
they inevitably leave us feeling isolated and overcome by our problems.
While most of us do not behave in such extreme ways in our attempts to address
our neediness, we are often guilty of trying to meet our own needs by other means,
such as through our accomplishments and material possessions. But temporal, mate-
rial things can never truly satisfy our spiritual or relational needs:
• A house cannot meet our need for affection.
• A car is not a substitute for acceptance.
• Degrees and diplomas will not satisfy our need for respect.
• A position of authority is no alternative for approval.
• Successful projects will not meet our need for appreciation.
• A cigarette or bowl of ice cream does not bring genuine comfort.
By definition, our relational needs can only be met in the context of deep,
meaningful relationships. The same is true of our spiritual needs. These needs are
only effectively addressed as we live our our religious beliefs, convictions and prac-
tices in the context of our relationship with God.
9
Top Ten Relational Needs
You may be thinking to yourself, “Ah, but what about my physical needs? I can
certainly meet those for myself.” But can you? Yes, you may be able to earn money
with which to buy food, and you may be able to prepare and cook meals, but where
did the food actually come from? Who made the seed? Who created the soil in
which the seed grew, and provided the oxygen that gave it life? Who caused the sun
to shine and the rain to fall? Farmers may be able to plant, cultivate, and harvest
crops, and we may be able to purchase and prepare food, but the source of all these
good things is God!
How do you feel about possibly needing things like appreciation, respect or support
from others in your life?
10
Needs: An Important Aspect of How You Are Made!
By contrast, those who have had their own needs met are much better equipped to
meet the needs of others. But in order to have our needs met, we must first admit
that they exist. When we willingly acknowledge our neediness, we allow ourselves to
receive care and we are better able to give more freely in turn.
5. Meeting the Needs of Others Expresses Care and Produces
Togetherness.
Which of these five possible “benefits” might you enjoy more of in your life?
12
Needs: An Important Aspect of How You Are Made!
In the next chapter, we will take a closer look at the ten most significant relational
needs that we all share. But for now, complete the following assessment in order to
clarify your attitudes about neediness.
13
Top Ten Relational Needs
Personal Assessment
1. I believe that God created me with physical, spiritual, and relational needs.
1 2 3 4 5
4. I would prefer trying to meet my own needs rather than asking others for help.
1 2 3 4 5
6. I usually view my own needs as more important than the needs of others.
1 2 3 4 5
14
Needs: An Important Aspect of How You Are Made!
As I reflect on how these needs were met in my life my heart is moved with
____________________________________________________________.
As you live life in the coming days - be aware of how important relationships in
your life may be meeting important needs like support and encouragment, apprecia-
tion and respect.
As you experience family, friends and others noticing and “giving” to your needs -
express your gratitude!
15
Top Ten Relational Needs
Living It Out
As you live life in the coming days - look for opportunities to “give” to the needs of
others in your life.
1.___________________________________________________________
2.___________________________________________________________
3.___________________________________________________________
4.___________________________________________________________
5.___________________________________________________________
Explore specific ways you might “give” to the people listed above:
“ I could consider...”
1.__________________________________________________________
2.__________________________________________________________
3.__________________________________________________________
4.__________________________________________________________
5.__________________________________________________________
16
Needs: An Important Aspect of How You Are Made!
Enrichment Group
Small Group Notes
Notes
We have been created with physical, spiritual, and relational needs. In this chapter,
we have discussed five characteristics of those needs and five positive results of our
neediness. As we learn to admit our own needs, we will increasingly be able to
express gratitude for the beneficial aspects of our neediness. In addition, we will be
filled with compassion for others and begin to look for ways in which we can give
to meet their needs.
Starter Question
If you found yourself alone on a desert island without any human contact, what
would you miss most? Who would you miss most? - and why?
Discussion Questions
1. In small groups examine your responses to the Personal Assessment on p. 14,
particularly statements #4 through #7. Take turns discussing these four
statements with your group, sharing with each other which of the four you agreed
with most strongly. Meet one another’s need by giving your undivided attention and
expressing appropriate care.
2. When are you tempted to deny that you have needs?
3. When are you most challenged to give to the needs of others?
4. What kinds of selfish behaviors might lead to divisions and conflicts in relation-
ships?
17
Chapter 2
ACCEPTANCE
The need for acceptance is met by receiving others willingly and unconditionally (even
when their behavior has been imperfect) and loving them in spite of any differences
that may exist between you.
Critical to this need for acceptance is to separate a person’s worth and value from
their behavior and performance. Each person has worth and value which should be
acknowledged by each of us. For example in parenting, I can still accept and love
my child even while providing correction and discipline of their behavior. Even as
justice is sought and lived out in the affairs of men, dignity and significance of
human life remain important. To communicate acceptance is at times to value a
“person” while at the same time disapproving or even deploring their behavior.
18
Top Ten Relational Needs
2. Forgive others when they commit offenses against you. Unforgiveness short-cir-
cuits acceptance and we all need the understanding and forgiveness of others.
3. Make a special effort to help others feel accepted when they experience failure or
disappointment, as people’s relational need for acceptance is greatly accentuated
during such times.
5. Be especially sensitive to others’ need for acceptance when they enter into a new
environment. When people move to a different city, job or school, they have an
acute need to be accepted and actively received into the new group.
Take a moment to recall a time when someone looked beyond your faults and saw
your needs. When did you receive acceptance in spite of your behavior? When did
someone look past your inadequacies or failures and communicate their care?
Now, share that memory with your partner or small group. Recount both your
experience and your feelings related to the acceptance you received.
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The Top Ten Relational Needs
Make certain to give accepting responses to one another as you share. Accepting
responses might sound like: “I know that time must have been hard for you. I’m
grateful that you received his/her acceptance,” or “ I am sad that you experienced
those difficult things, yet I am happy that there was someone in your life to show
you acceptance.”
AFFECTION
The need for affection is met by expressing care and closeness through physical touch
and through words such as “I love you” or “I care about you.”
• Infants and children are born needing to be held and hugged in order to develop
in healthy ways.
• Even youth and young adults, while they may not admit it, also benefit from
family and friends who express caring affection.
Your spouse – hold, caress, hug, embrace, hold hands, kiss. Many married couples
can benefit by increasing their non-sexual expressions of affection.
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Top Ten Relational Needs
Friends – shake hands, embrace, “friendly” kiss, give a gentle pat on the
back...always being consistent with appropriate culture and customs.
(Note: Someone might indicate that they are uncomfortable receiving affection
through physical touch, be careful about persisting to offer it.)
2. Verbalize your love and care by speaking tender words of endearment. For many
people in your family it may be particularly meaningful to receive an unsolicited,
spontaneous “I love you.” If you have difficulty speaking words of love and affec-
tion, begin by writing your thoughts on cards and notes before progressing to verbal
communication.
APPRECIATION
2. Focus on the things that people do right, not just on the things that they do
wrong. Your spouse, children, employees, and friends will almost certainly be more
motivated by positive affirmation than by negative critiques.
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The Top Ten Relational Needs
22
Top Ten Relational Needs
4. When you are in a position of authority over others, your approval is especially
important to them. Affirming those over whom you have supervision brings
personal encouragement, strengthens group morale, and keeps people from
becoming “weary in doing good”.
23
The Top Ten Relational Needs
ATTENTION
The need for attention is met by conveying appropriate interest, concern, and care.
Addressing this need requires us to take notice of others and make an effort to
enter into their respective worlds.
Meeting the need for “Attention” often involves the simplest of the relational skills:
simply noticing, listening and showing interest. Even though simple, a price must
be paid and the price is to think of others more often rather than merely thinking
of ourselves.
2. Do not just spend time with groups of people; arrange for private meetings with
specific individuals. Our need for attention simply cannot be met as well in groups
as it can in a one-on-one setting. For instance, if you have three children, you might
spend private time with each child on a regular basis in order to meet their individ-
ual needs for attention.
3. Meet people where they are. Enter into their worlds. Let your child take you to
his or her favorite park. If you have a business luncheon, pick up your client at his
or her office. When your spouse, child, or friend has a performance, concert, sport-
ing event, or awards ceremony, be there. Even though it might not be your favorite
way to pass the time, invest yourself in the hobbies, activities, and pasttimes of oth-
ers.
4. Listen to people. Speak less and listen more! Do not dominate conversations,
but encourage others to talk about themselves and their feelings, plans, goals, and
dreams. Arrange to meet people in an environment where you will not be interrupt-
ed.
24
Top Ten Relational Needs
COMFORT
The need for comfort is met by caringly responding to a hurting person through
words, actions, emotional responses, and physical touch. Meeting this need requires
us to truly hurt with and for another person in the midst of their grief or pain.
A story is told of a young girl named Jane, late for dinner after playing next door at
her friend Mary’s house. Her mother inquired as to why she was late, and Jane
responded “Mary’s favorite doll broke!” So her mother continued to inquire “So
25
The Top Ten Relational Needs
you stayed to help her fix it?” “No”, said Jane, “I stayed and helped her cry.”
Comfort is to “hurt with” another person. Comfort is an emotional, heart-felt
response to another’s heart-felt sadness, pain, loss or discouragement. Comfort is
NOT facts, logic or reason, but rather it is to be moved with compassion to express
CARE to another at their point of pain.
2. When someone needs comfort, refrain from analyzing the root causes of their
misfortune (“The reason this happened was…”), giving advice (“If I were you, I
would…”), and criticizing their behavior (“If you had not _____, this would not
have happened to you.”). Instead, learn to empathize with those who are hurting,
identifying with their feelings, joining them in their mourning, and offering sensitive,
sympathetic care. Remember that comfort is an emotional response to another per-
son’s emotional pain. The need for comfort cannot be adequately met by rational
responses such as analysis, advice, or criticism.
3. Use words that convey genuine comfort, such as, “I am so sorry that you are
hurting,” “I hurt for you,” “I love you and I want to care for you” or “I am on your
side and I am committed to help you through this.” Such expressions of comfort
can be communicated both verbally and in writing.
26
Top Ten Relational Needs
6. Sincere and emotional responses such as a sad look or even tears can powerfully
convey your compassion and bring comfort.
ENCOURAGEMENT
The need for encouragement is met by urging others to persist and persevere in their
efforts to attain their goals, and by stimulating them toward love and good deeds.
1. Encourage your spouse, children, and friends to live productive lives by helping
them to develop plans and goals for the future, actively assisting them in reaching
those goals. If they are already goal-oriented, learn what their goals are and help
them to succeed.
2. Recognize when others are discouraged and give encouragement to them. Listen
closely for verbal evidence of discouragement, including statements such as, “I will
never be able to…” “I just can’t…” or “It’s no use.” Respond with caring,
comforting words such as, “It hurts me to hear you say that” or “I am sad that you
are feeling this way.” Then offer a few words that will build them up, such as: “I
believe in you” or “I know that you can do this.”
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The Top Ten Relational Needs
4. Let people know that you are thinking of them...that they have recently been on
your mind. Remember things that are important to them, asking about them often.
5. When others are discouraged, include them in a meal, invite them to join you in
an activity or spend a day out together. Often, a simple change of routine, along
with meaningful companionship, can lift a person’s spirits and encourage their heart.
RESPECT
The need for respect is met by valuing one another highly, treating one another as
important, and honoring one another with our words and actions.
Conveying Respect is to affirm the significance, value and worth that the creator
intends for each human being. Respect for individuals is one of the ways we com-
municate the unique place that people hold in God’s creative order of all things.
28
Top Ten Relational Needs
1. Before making an important decision that will impact other people, take time to
discuss the matter with them. For instance, husbands and wives should discuss
business and employment commitments, trips, guests, major expenditures, and other
significant issues before any commitments are made. Likewise, parents should dis-
cuss with each other (and even with older children) issues such as household chores
and disciplinary procedures.
2. Ask others to share their ideas and give their input and, whenever possible and
appropriate, defer to their opinions. For example, rather than telling your family
where they are going on holiday, ask them where they would like to go. Instead of
always handing down orders to your employees, allow them to be involved in the
decision- making process.
3. Respect the property, privacy, and personal preferences of those around you. If
you borrow something from a friend, return it in better shape than you received it.
When you are visiting someone’s home or office, show proper respect for his or her
preferences regarding how it is kept. Honor other people’s privacy: allow your
spouse to enjoy needed times of solitude, knock before entering your child’s room,
and ask before sitting at a co-worker’s desk or looking through another person’s
belongings.
4. Respect other people’s time by being prompt for appointments. Being late and
making others wait on us indicates a measure of disrespect for their schedule and
effectively robs them of an irreplaceable commodity--time!
5. Eliminate all prejudices related to the issues of race, ethnicity, gender, and
socio-economic standing. Any such form of cultural bias or favoritism undermines
respect and distracts from the creator’s having given unique value to every person.
29
The Top Ten Relational Needs
SECURITY
The need for security is met by establishing and maintaining harmony in our
relationships and providing freedom from fear or threat of harm. This process
involves mutual expressions of vulnerability, the deepening of trust, and the
successful resolution of conflict.
Security needs exist for our safety, and our shelter. We also need to be secure in our
finances and provision---but our relational security is also very important. Security
in relationships is found as family, friends and ever broadening circles of people can
“count on” me, my character, my integrity. Security in relationships is what brings a
good reputation, loyalty and the promise of an honorable legacy.
2. Keep your promises. Always do the things that you have committed to do.
“Simply say “Yes” when you mean ‘Yes’, and say ‘No’ when you mean ‘No’.
3. Provide financial security for those to whom you are responsible. Provide for
your family. Pay bills. Don’t live beyond your means. Act with integrity in all mat-
ters.
30
Top Ten Relational Needs
Noted below is a list of areas which need to be assessed for personal freedom in
order for us to provide relational security to those around us. Review this list and
circle those areas which may need your attention. Pause and bring to your mind
specific examples or situations that demonstrate your need for freedom in these
areas. In order for those around us to be secure, we need to be free from:
SUPPORT
The need for support is met by coming alongside others and providing gentle,
appropriate assistance with a problem or struggle.
Support is the most “practical” of all the relational needs and can be illustrated by:
1. First, notice the problems, challenges and burdens that others around
you are “under”. They are being “weighed down” by them.
2. Then, determine what practical help is needed.
3. Join them under the burden of their problem. Do not offer advice
or instruction, but your presence and support.
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The Top Ten Relational Needs
1. Anticipate and notice when people are experiencing periods of stress, and be
available to help them. High stress can be produced by busy schedules,
unemployment, illness, death in the family, divorce, financial instability, family prob-
lems, relocation, or pressures at work. Such occasions can produce more pressure
than one person can bear without the support of others.
3. Offer to use your personal resources to help support others. Not only will you
meet the practical needs of others by aiding them in this way, but they will also be
uniquely encouraged and blessed by your generosity.
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Top Ten Relational Needs
Pause to reflect on a time when you were discouraged and you were encouraged
through someone who cared. Remember a time when you were hurting and you
were comforted or when you were lonely and someone took thought of you. Then
complete the following statement:
For example:
I remember a time when I felt lonely, and love was extended to me by a friend as
he/she called me and showed me love and concern.
Pause to reflect on your gratitude for the precious, multi-faceted gift of love.
33
The Top Ten Relational Needs
Living It Out
Close relationships at home, with friends, and within your community are
deepened as relational needs are identified and met through caring involvement
in each other’s lives. As we undertake this task, it is important that we avoid two
unhelpful patterns of behavior: concealing our needs while still expecting
others to meet them (“I am not going to tell anyone what my needs are, but I am
upset, disappointed, and hurt that they are not being met”) and being unsure about
what our needs really are while still expecting others to meet them (“I do not know
what I need, but I am upset, disappointed, and hurt that no one has figured it out”).
When we vulnerably share our needs with those who are close to us, we are
exercising confidence that they want to know what we need and giving them an
opportunity to help us. Likewise, our honesty creates a setting within which others
feel safe sharing their needs and allowing us to care for them. Such an environment
of mutual transparency and concern also allows those who are unsure about the
exact nature of their needs to gradually explore them in the context of a loving
community.
Take some time to consider one of your key relational needs, and think about how
you would like those close to you to act in order to address that need; then
complete the following statement:
In groups of two or three, take turns vulnerably sharing your responses. After each
person shares, meet one another’s need for encouragement by offering words of
reassurance such as, “I want to care for you in this way” or “I will look forward to
being a part of meeting this need.”
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Top Ten Relational Needs
Now review the list of Ten Relational Needs, along with their definitions and then
note which relational need this may be meeting.
For example:
*I feel cared for when my family members help me with the chores around the
house. (support)
*I feel loved when my husband surprises me with appreciative words.
(appreciation)
2. Complete the following sentence: I feel loved, cared for, important, or special in
my friendships when.....
Now review the list of Ten Relational Needs, along with their definitions and then
note which relational need this may be meeting.
For example:
*I feel important to a friend when he/she seeks my input, advice or opinion.
(respect)
*I feel connected to a friend when he/she takes initiative to contact/check on me.
(attention)
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The Top Ten Relational Needs
Getting to know a person well involves learning about what is on the inside
(thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams, concerns, etc.) as well as what can be observed
externally (physical attributes, abilities, occupation, etc.). A good way to do this is to
engage someone in discussion using open-ended questions (ones that cannot be
answered with a simple “yes” or “no”).
3. In groups of two or three, take turns learning something new about each other
as you practice using open-ended questions.
36
Chapter 3
Overcoming Hindrances
to Grateful Giving
•Surprising a friend or family member with their favorite snack or soft drink.
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Top Ten Relational Needs
What hinders and limits our relationships, keeping them superficial and disengaged?
What tendencies do you see in yourself that have caused relationships to struggle or
be disrupted? What blocks us from expressing more of the love our family and
friends need?
“My needs are the most important!” “You owe me.” Demanding or manip-
ulating to get needs met; “taking” from others instead of patiently receiving.
A person hindered by selfishness is exalting his needs, demanding that they be met
or selfishly taking what he needs. Underlying this attitude is a belief that, “I will not
be okay unless my needs are met and I must take matters into my own hands.” We
38
Overcoming Hindrances to Grateful Giving
might see this tendency revealed by a person who talks constantly and at great
length about himself without asking about others. This behavior suggests an unmet
need for attention. Rather than trust others to inquire of him, he “demands” their
attention by dominating the conversation. In a more subtle way, selfishness may be
at work in someone who works excessively, compulsively seeking approval through a
variety of achievements. The tragedy of selfish taking is that we end up securing
only a counterfeit of that which we really need-unconditional love demonstrated
through the meeting of relational needs.
“Giving” to others brings an inner sense of joy that we have positively contributed
to the life of another. Giving also guards our heart from a destructive sense of our
own self-entitlement. Failure to recognize and put away this tendency can cause us
to miss out on the true joy of giving to meet others’ needs. In addition, we may
experience rejection as others are pushed away by our self-centered behavior.
Ironically, when we selfishly “take” to have our needs met, even when someone
meets our need, we’re not satisfied. When we “take” a hug from our spouse, our
need for affection is not satisfied. When we manipulate or make demands to get
attention, even if we get it, our need is not met. When we intimidate someone into
asking our opinion, our need for respect is not satisfied. We can’t experience grate-
fulness for the affection, attention or respect we received from others because down
deep we know that it was not freely given, but we “took” it.
Selfishness doesn’t satisfy. It actually hinders our ability to experience close and
abundant relationships. Focus exclusively on our own needs and our friends will be
few!
39
Top Ten Relational Needs
40
Overcoming Hindrances to Grateful Giving
2.
3.
4.
5.
41
Top Ten Relational Needs
2.
3.
4.
5.
“I don’t have any needs, but if I did, I would meet them myself.”
Not only does self-reliance blind us from the truth of our neediness, it also inhibits
our ability and willingness to meet the needs of others. We will often minimize the
needs of others (since we refuse to validate them in ourselves). When we begin to
understand and face our own neediness, we become more understanding, sympa-
thetic, patient, caring, and respectful.
Denying our needs seriously hinders healthy relationships. If we’re not willing to
admit that we have needs, we may be reluctant to acknowledge the needs of other
people and we’ll often tend to resist meeting them.
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Overcoming Hindrances to Grateful Giving
•If I think I don’t need comfort, I may show little empathy when someone
else needs comforting.
•If I’m unwilling to admit that I need attention, I may resist meeting even my
children’s need for attention.
•If I think everyone ought to “take care of themselves” when they are dis-
couraged, I may be reluctant to offer support or encouragement when others are
going through hard times.
When people attempt to express their needs, our attitude may be “What’s wrong
with you? I don’t have any needs, why do you?” We may impatiently resort to crit-
icism, lecturing, correcting, teaching, belittling, or just plain neglect.
Sadly, self-reliance hinders your own needs being met. When others try to comfort
us we may respond with, “I’m fine.” When someone attempts to support us we may
communicate, “I can do it myself.” In summary, two common painful outcomes
from self-reliance often are:
43
Top Ten Relational Needs
•You become prideful about how well you can take care of “everything” by yourself.
Overcoming Self-Reliance
Risking openness in “safe” relationships about our own struggles and pain is critical
to addressing the self-reliant lie.
44
Overcoming Hindrances to Grateful Giving
Example: I need to be more open and vulnerable with my small group about
my struggles with my temper.
Risking openness with family and friends about our needs, opens the way for deep-
er, closer relationships.
Take turns sharing and possibly note what each member shares:
2.
3.
4.
5.
45
Top Ten Relational Needs
B. Giving First
2.
3.
4.
5.
“I think I have needs, but I feel guilty that I do. Maybe I’m needy because
there’s something wrong with me.”
A third obstacle to health and abundance in relationships is self-condemnation.
This tendency reflects a condemnation of our neediness and reveals an underlying
belief that, “There must be something wrong with me because I am needy. I’m
either inadequate or not worth having needs met.” Here, the presence of neediness
is admitted, but condemned. It might appear in a person apologizing because she
cried in your presence. You may also see self-condemnation at work if a friend
apologizes for “making an issue” of the disappointment felt when you failed to call
or drop by for several weeks.
46
Overcoming Hindrances to Grateful Giving
Most of us are unaware that these obstacles to healthy relationships are at work
within us. Few of us awoke one day and decided to begin being self-condemning or
selfish or self-reliant. We gradually developed these tendencies without conscious
awareness. A pattern of self-condemnation may be related to having received much
criticism and blame. Self-condemnation could also be related to home environ-
ments where very few relational needs were met.
For Example:
Receiving Affirmation: “You’re really good at (computers, music, sports, etc.)”
might prompt, “I’m not nearly as good as I ought to be.”
Receiving Appreciation: “I really appreciate you for (your kindness, phone call,
help, etc).” might prompt, “Oh, it’s not that big a deal.”
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Top Ten Relational Needs
When our receiving is hindered, our gratitude is hindered and then our giving to
others is hindered! Those who struggle with self-condemnation tend not to be gen-
uinely grateful, joyful people.
•You doubt why others would want to spend time with you.
•You apologize - “I’m sorry” for an excessive number of things which are not your
fault. Or, you resist admitting when you are wrong.
Overcoming Self-Condemnation
When someone wants to rejoice and celebrate with you - let them - you’re worth it!
48
Overcoming Hindrances to Grateful Giving
When someone wants to offer care when you’re struggling - let them - you’re worth
it!
“I’m sad for that loss, struggle, rejection, etc.” (Learn to give care when someone is
struggling/hurting.)
B. Giving First
49
Top Ten Relational Needs
Consider the list of selected character qualities below and then take turns sharing
words of grateful approval with one another. Start with each person giving and
receiving at least one affirming sentence.
Summary:
Contagious, grateful giving is a key to healthy homes, workplaces, friendships, com-
munities and relationships of all kinds. Overcoming our hindrances is a lifelong
challenge but well worth the effort.
50
Overcoming Hindrances to Grateful Giving
Sharing Blessings
Take time to identify benefits you’ve experienced during this study. Consider how
you’ve been blessed through your family, friends, co-workers or other group mem-
bers.
51
Top Ten Relational Needs
Appreciation helps seal in our hearts the reality of the blessings, and when we
express appreciation, others are pleased and encouraged. Appreciation can be
shared:
Look for expressions of family member’s love, special people, events, and experi-
ences that have impacted our lives. Then privately or publicly, verbally or in writing
- express your gratefulness.
52
Overcoming Hindrances to Grateful Giving
Living It Out
Slow to speak - quick to listen! Now that you have listened, give first to their
needs!
53
Top Ten Relational Needs
Let us take the opportunity to be known and demonstrate care as we complete the
following sentences:
Prepare your own answers to these sentences and share at least one of them with
your partner or team.
Be sure to give accepting responses as each person finishes their time of sharing.
Make brief notes about the responses of other members. This will allow you to
know each person in a more meaningful way and help you remember their impor-
tant feelings and relationships.
54
Overcoming Hindrances to Grateful Giving
2. Thanks List
Begin by listing at least six areas of genuine thankfulness you have about your rela-
tionships at home, with friends and at work. Be specific. Look particularly for
things you may take for granted. (For example: “I’m grateful for my husband’s hard
work as a provider for our family.” “I’m thankful for my friend’s loyalty and faith-
fulness to our friendship.” “I’m thankful for the way my family member shows care
with words and affection.” “I appreciate my co-worker’s sensitivity to others’ feel-
ings.”)
Thanks List
1.______________________________________________________________
2.______________________________________________________________
3.______________________________________________________________
4.______________________________________________________________
5.______________________________________________________________
6.______________________________________________________________
Now share at least one of these with a partner or your small group as you receive
their celebration with you.
55
Top Ten Relational Needs
Maybe someone who has hurt us, someone with whom we have had conflict, etc.
Our “becoming” a person who “gives first” means we may want to re-consider our
attitude and actions.
56
Chapter 4
If we do not recognize this important truth, we may fall into the trap of attempting
to meet other people’s needs by providing them only what is most important to us
or what we think they need. For instance, if your greatest need is for affection, you
may sincerely inundate your spouse with affection without realizing that it may be at
the bottom of his or her needs list. You may then become upset when your spouse
is not overwhelmed with gratitude for what you perceive as your generous gift of
affection. It would be an innocent, well-meaning mistake on your part, but a mistake
nevertheless. Maybe your best friend needs encouragement but you with good
intentions consistently share appreciation; without realizing it, you have missed out
on loving them well.
Learning to love others well requires that we take the time to know them and to
discover their “high-priority” needs.
What determines the order of importance of our relational needs? Why might one
person’s greatest need be another person’s least significant one? In this chapter, we
will explore the concept of “high-priority” needs and how these possibly became so
important.
57
Top Ten Relational Needs
After you have completed both the needs assessment and the questionnaire,
compare your two sets of results. Sometimes the questionnaire reveals that our
“highest-priority” needs are different from those that we selected on the needs
assessment. It can be insightful to consider why such differences occur, and it is
particularly important to reflect on whether some of the inconsistencies are related
to the fact that certain needs are harder for us to admit that we have. Another rea-
son our “guesses” might not match the inventory is that often we may not “know
ourselves” and “be aware of ourselves” in this relational way, which is often associ-
ated with others in our life not giving priority to relational connections. We also
encourage you to use this assessment and questionnaire with others in order to gain
greater insight into their unique mix of relational needs.
58
Which Needs Are Most Important?
Instructions: Read the definitions below and select the three needs that you believe
are most important to you.
Affection: Expressing care and closeness through appropriate physical touch and
through words such as “I love you” or “I care about you.”
Respect: Valuing one another highly, treating one another as important, and hon-
oring one another with our words and actions. Valuing another’s opinion, privacy,
and properties.
60
Which Needs Are Most Important?
61
Top Ten Relational Needs
____ 46. I don’t like to be alone when experiencing hurt and trouble; it is important
for me to have a companion who will be with me.
____ 47. I don’t enjoy working on a project by myself; I prefer to have a “partner”
on important projects.
____ 48. It is important for me to know I am “part of the group”.
____ 49. I respond to someone who tries to understand me emotionally and who
shows me caring concern.
____ 50. When working on a project, I would rather work with a team of people
than by myself.
62
Which Needs Are Most Important?
63
Top Ten Relational Needs
1. What were your three highest totals? Which needs do they represent?
____________________ ____________________ ____________________
2. What were your three lowest totals? Which needs do they represent?
____________________ ____________________ ____________________
Considering the three needs I guessed from page 60, I am somewhat surprised by:
____________________________________________________.
Next, we will explore four of the most common factors that tend to “drive” our
“high-priority” needs, i.e., Why do some people tend to need more security and
encouragement, while others tend to need more respect and appreciation? The four
factors we will explore relate to:
1. How God has made us.
2. Our current life situation
3. How needs were abundantly met in childhood.
4. How needs were missed in childhood.
64
Which Needs Are Most Important?
65
Top Ten Relational Needs
Example:
My high need for security may relate to the economic times and the uncertaintly of
my current job.
2. As you were growing up, how did your father demonstrate his love for you?
______________________________________________________
66
Which Needs Are Most Important?
67
Top Ten Relational Needs
Criticism/Advice: If you would’ve been a little more outgoing, maybe your Dad might have
been more verbally affectionate with you.
Complaint: I know what you mean. You ought to hear what happened when I was a child.
Pep Talks: Oh, I’m sure he didn’t mean any harm. Besides, you said your mother gave you lots
of affection and attention.
Neglect: Let’s talk about some more positive things.
Here is what COMFORT may sound like:
I feel sad for you when I think about you missing your Dad’s loving words.
It saddens me to know that you didn’t hear “I love you” from your Dad.
I’m so sorry that you weren’t able to hear those words from your Dad. I know that must have
hurt.
Non-verbal hugs, gentle touch, even genuine tears also covey meaningful
comfort.
This same principle can apply to any of the ten relational needs we have identified.
68
Which Needs Are Most Important?
69
Top Ten Relational Needs
If your dad met this need, put a half circle ( in the blank beside that need. If your
mom met this need, put the other half circle ) in the blank beside the need. Thus
if both Mom and Dad met the need consistently and abundantly, you would end up
with a full circle () in the blank beside that need.
If someone besides your mom or dad met this need for you, write their name
beside the need.
If no one met this need for you, then place an “X” beside the need.
70
Which Needs Are Most Important?
71
Top Ten Relational Needs
Look back over your list of needs. Notice the needs by which you’ve placed an X or
only one half-circle. Write one or two of those needs here: ___________________
_________________________________________________________________
72
Which Needs Are Most Important?
Example:
During my growing up, I often missed receiving attention from my Dad, I remem-
ber feeling like his work was more important to him than me.(Or) During my grow-
ing up, I wish I had received more support from my Mom. She was good about giv-
ing hugs and encouraging words, but I remember wishing for her help with school
assignments.
Now, demonstrate that you care about each other’s sadness. Listen attentively to
each other and then share words of comfort. Words of comfort might begin with:
As your partner or group shares words of comfort, be sure to receive the words and
heart-felt care. Express your gratefulness for other’s comfort, “Thank you for your
comforting words.” or “Thank you for caring.”
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Top Ten Relational Needs
Record the names of those who have met your needs in the past and those who are
currently meeting your ongoing needs. Then make concrete plans to express your
gratitude to these individuals through a phone call, letter, gift, or other appropriate
means.
Finally, write a short message of gratefulness as you reflect on how your needs have
been provided for through other people.
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
74
Which Needs Are Most Important?
Living It Out
75
Top Ten Relational Needs
76
Which Needs Are Most Important?
sharing times.
Enrichment Group Notes
1. Consider your gratitude and then take a few moments to reflect on how those in
your group have helped to meet your relational needs. Share your responses with
your partner or small group. Then take turns meeting one another’s need for
appreciation by thanking one another for the ways in which you have met each
other’s relational needs:
“It really meant a lot to me when you ___________________________________,
because that met my need for _____________________.”
3. Reflect on your “Living It Out” time with your children, as appropriate (pg. 76).
4. Now consider how you might be more of a “Giving First” person as you share
with those nearest you. Reflect on the high-priority relational needs of your spouse,
children, family members, and friends that you identified earlier. Take time to com-
plete the following sentences:
Example: Teresa could benefit from receiving more attention from me, particularly
concerning my going on walks with her.
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Top Ten Relational Needs
Example: Luke could benefit from receiving more encouragement from me, par-
ticularly concerning his sports activities.
Example: Anthony could benefit from receiving more support from me, particu-
larly concerning help with meals and cleaning our apartment.
Share your insights with your partner or small group, encouraging one another to
express love in action.
78
Chapter 5
Billy’s mother took him to see a counselor, and after talking with him about his
school work and friends (to put him at ease), the counselor asked, “When do you
feel most loved and cared for?” The boy’s immediate response was, “When my
teacher spends time with just me, during lunch. She is not getting paid for it.”
It turned out that Billy’s father was out of town a lot, and his mother did not spend
much time with him either because she worked from 3:00–11:00 p.m. The boy had
an unmet relational need for attention, so he did something about it. By acting up in
class, he was “forced to” stay in the classroom with his teacher. The result? Billy
received personal attention from someone whom he liked and respected.
This story clearly illustrates an important truth: the degree to which our relational
needs are met can have a profound effect on our thoughts, feelings, and behavior.
When our needs are met effectively, we can expect most often the following results:
• Our thoughts—particularly concerning ourselves and our value to God and
others—will likely be healthy and beneficial.
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Top Ten Relational Needs
In contrast, when our relational needs go unmet, we are likely to experience the
following consequences:
• We will likely experience negative emotions such as hurt, anger, and fear.
These contrasting sets of outcomes are summarized clearly and succinctly in what is
sometimes referred to as the “needs principle”:
When our relational needs are met, we feel loved and react accordingly.
When our relational needs go unmet, we feel unloved and react accordingly.
The diagram on the following page illustrates in more detail how relational needs
affect thinking, feelings, and behavior.
80
How Needs Impact Thoughts, Feelings, and Behavior
Positive
The Potential Outcomes
Productive Healthy Family
Behaviors Caring Relationships
Positive Kindness Growing Faith
Feelings Giving to Others Maturing Character
Healthy Loved Considerate & Personality
Thinking Cared for Pursuing Excellence
Needs “I must be important!” Secure
Met “I am really loved!” Grateful
Attention “I can do it!”
Affection “God cares for me!”
Appreciation
Comfort
Relational Needs
Being Ignored
Disapproval
Rejection
“I can’t do it”
Criticism
“I don’t matter”
Needs Hurt
“I’ll try harder”
Anger Perfectionism
Unmet “What’s wrong with me?”
Fear
Unhealthy Condemnation “Acting Out”
Manipulative Games Conflicted Family
Thinking Destructive Activities
Painful Poor Character
Rebellion Personality Disturbances
Feelings
Unproductive Problems in Living
The Pain Behaviors
Immaturity
Painful
Outcomes
81
Top Ten Relational Needs
Let us look at two case studies as illustrations of the truth of the “needs formula”:
1. Dave has a ten-year-old son named Jeffrey. Although Dave is a busy executive,
every week he makes it a priority to spend time with his son. Instead of spending
this time doing “adult things,” they do “kid stuff ”—Dave often takes Jeffrey to the
video arcade, the playground, or his favorite “fast food” restaurant. Every child has
a need for attention, and Jeffrey’s father lovingly and consistently meets that need
for his son. As a result, Jeffrey will tend to experience the following:
Healthy Thinking: “I must be important, because I am really loved. My father
truly cares for me.”
Positive Emotions: “I feel secure, confident, worthy, and grateful.”
Productive Behaviors: Kindness, generosity, demonstrations of good character,
serving others.
Positive Outcomes: Obedience, loyalty, good self-image, ability to develop close
relationships, maturing personality.
Pause and Reflect:
Share with a partner or enrichment group:
Consider a recent example when a family member, friend, or group member met
one of your relational needs:
Recently (who)________________________ met my need for _______________
by ______________________________________________________________
What thoughts did you/do you have as you think about this? ________________
_________________________________________________________________
What feelings did you/do you have as you think about this? ________________
_________________________________________________________________
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How Needs Impact Thoughts, Feelings, and Behavior
2. Sally and Bob have been married for fifteen years. In the early years of their
marriage, mutual affection, attention, and encouragement flowed freely through
open lines of communication, and there was a significant amount of romance in
their relationship. But with each passing year, their communication decreased until it
consisted of little more than, “OK. We can talk about it later. I am too tired.”
Instead of discussing intimate, vulnerable topics, they focused only on the mundane
and practical. Eventually, Bob’s daily routine consisted of work, dinner, checking
emails, newspaper, TV, and sleep. Sally’s needs were being neglected.
Sally first began expressing her hunger for attention, affection, and security through
subtle hints. When this tactic proved ineffective, she began making more explicit
demands. When that did not work either, she resorted to complaining and then cold
indifference. Finally she just gave up—Bob refused to meet her needs and she like-
wise tended to ignore his. By this time, the unfulfilling relationship had taken a sig-
nificant emotional toll on both of them, and Sally became depressed. Her doctor
prescribed medication and suggested that she take a part-time job just to get out of
the house. Bob tended to spend even more time at work or “with the guys”.
Sally got a job working for a large insurance company. She enjoyed her work
because it made her feel needed and gave her a renewed sense of identity. One day,
while she was taking her coffee break, a divorced co-worker named Larry
approached her and said, “Sally, you look a little sad today. Is something troubling
you?” For the first time in years, Sally felt as if someone genuinely cared for her. So
she shared, from the depths of her heart, her loneliness, frustration, and despair.
During future coffee breaks, Sally’s conversations with Larry became more and
more transparent. She told him more about her struggles with Bob, he recounted
the circumstances leading to his divorce, and they empathized with one another. As
the months passed, a seemingly innocent friendship became an emotional affair.
Sally’s legitimate relational needs were now being met, but in the wrong way and by
the wrong person. Bob experienced his own set of painful results from lacking
closeness in his marriage, but analyzing Sally’s responses will help highlight the pain
of unmet needs.
83
Top Ten Relational Needs
When Bob failed to effectively give to Sally’s relational needs, her thoughts, emo-
tions, and behavior were all negatively affected:
84
How Needs Impact Thoughts, Feelings, and Behavior
85
Top Ten Relational Needs
In our study of Relational Needs impacting our thinking, feeling and behaviors,
specific added emphasis is needed in better understanding our feelings-or emotions.
Imagine needing attention-and you are ignored, or needing approval-and you are
criticized.
Now consider that over our lifetime countless disappointments and hurts, rejections
and criticisms will occur, but where does all the painful emotion go? If painful
emotions are not healed, they accumulate. Filling our “hearts” to overflowing. The
“emotional capacity” picture on the next page is a concept of how unhealed emo-
tional pain can fill our hearts to overflowing, producing many painful symptoms.
86
How Needs Impact Thoughts, Feelings, and Behavior
87
Top Ten Relational Needs
Important to healthy relationships will be learning and applying the relational princi-
ples of “healing” painful emotions. Which brings two tremendous blessings:
First, we have more “capacity” or room in our hearts for positive emotions like love,
joy, gratitude and hope!
88
How Needs Impact Thoughts, Feelings, and Behavior
Guilt is healed with confession/apology. When we’ve been wrong, done wrong,
said wrong things, our heart is troubled and tormented...until in humility we admit
our wrong: “It was wrong of me to __________________________________.”
“I reget that _____________________________________________________.”
90
How Needs Impact Thoughts, Feelings, and Behavior
Living It Out
Identifying the Connections between Unproductive Behaviors and
Unmet Needs
Write down the names of people you know (family members, co-workers, neigh-
bors, friends), list some of their behavior problems, and try to establish a link
between these behaviors and their possible unmet needs.
1. Name: _______________________________________________________
Unproductive behavior: _____________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
Neglected needs possibly related to this behavior: _________________________
________________________________________________________________
My “Giving First” plan to help meet this need: ___________________________
________________________________________________________________
2. Name: _______________________________________________________
Unproductive behavior: _____________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
Neglected needs possibly related to this behavior: _________________________
________________________________________________________________
My “Giving First” plan to help meet this need: ___________________________
________________________________________________________________
3. Name: _______________________________________________________
Unproductive behavior: _____________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
Neglected needs possibly related to this behavior: _________________________
________________________________________________________________
My “Giving First” plan to help meet this need: ___________________________
________________________________________________________________
91
Top Ten Relational Needs
92
How Needs Impact Thoughts, Feelings, and Behavior
In many ways, these feelings are simply different forms of five basic or “primary”
emotions: hurt, anger, fear, guilt, and condemnation. How might you categorize
the emotions in this list?
Beside each of the five emotions below, list the feelings from the above list
which you sense could be “grouped” with that emotion. See if this grouping
might simplify your understanding of and ability to identify your own feelings.
Then, as time allows, share with a partner or your enrichment group, personal
reflections on any of these recently experienced.
93
Top Ten Relational Needs
94
How Needs Impact Thoughts, Feelings, and Behavior
When you were a child, you had relational needs. Consider for a moment how well
your biological parents met your relational needs in your early years, from birth up
to about age twelve. As you consider the definitions of each need (Ch. 4, pg. 59) ask
yourself, “Did my mother meet this need adequately, lovingly, and consistently?”
Can you describe specific memories related to each need? If so, mark the appropri-
ate box below with an “O” to indicate met or fulfilled. Next, ask yourself the same
question about your father. If you are unable to think of specific examples of this
need being met, mark the box with an “X” to indicate unmet. Be truthful about
your perceptions and feelings. At the same time, recognize that your parents could
have sincerely loved you while still inadvertently neglecting your relational needs.
The aim of this exercise is simply to identify unmet needs, not to cast blame.
95
Chapter 6
“Now,” said the wise man, leading the king across the street, “I will show you a truly
satisfied life.” Looking into the second house, the king could again see a large table
with a bowl of delicious soup in the center of it. But here, the people were well
nourished, joyful, and talking among themselves. They, too, had long-handled
spoons, but had apparently overcome the problem. The king was confused by what
he saw. The wise man explained, “These people have learned to feed each other.”
According to this tale, the most satisfied people were flourishing in an atmosphere
marked by both giving and receiving. This story reveals a fundamental truth about
healthy relationships: “selfishly taking” in order to get needs met never satisfies.
Only gracious giving and receiving satisfies our needs. We were made in such a way
that we cannot “feed” ourselves relationally and be satisfied; we cannot meet our
own needs and be fulfilled. There’s plenty of food at the table, but we must look
not only to our own interests, but also to the needs of others.
The next time you need affection, first try hugging yourself- wrap your arms
around your neck and squeeze. Not very satisfying, is it? Then try “taking” a hug-
walk up to a family member or friend, grab him around the neck and “take.” It still
doesn’t feel right. But when a loved one or friend takes initiative to pursue you,
speaks affirming words to you and generously gives you a hug, you’re genuinely satis-
fied.
96
Top Ten Relational Needs
The next time you’re hurt, disappointed, embarrassed, or feeling rejected, try com-
forting yourself. Speak gentle words of comfort to yourself, accompanied by caring
touch. Sounds foolish doesn’t it? Demanding that others comfort you will also
leave you frustrated and unfulfilled.
The principle is simple but profound. Fulfillment in life does not come primarily
from what we acquire, accomplish, or achieve, but through abundant, enriched rela-
tionships through mutual giving and receiving; and this whole system of giving and
receiving is energized by gratefulness.
What are some important needs in your life right now? Support? Attention?
Appreciation? First, acknowledge these needs, then share your needs with a friend
or loved one, trusting that your needs will be met. Finally, begin to generously give
to meet these needs in other people’s lives.
Like the ancient tale, everything we need is available, but the only utensils available
are longer than our arms. The wrong approach is to try to feed ourselves, in which
case we may get angry and frustrated and become starved. Or, we can begin to give
to others and graciously receive from them, thereby experiencing contentment and
fulfillment.
As we have often listed ten of our key relational needs, we might immediately
think, “Which of these are my most important needs and how are they being met?”
-a legitimate question. But just as importantly, we need to see these needs as the
opportunity to experience the blessing of giving to others. How well are we
expressing an attitude of “Giving First?”
For instance:
• “I have learned that my wife likes for me to help the kids with their homework.”
(support)
• “My oldest son really wants me to knock on his bedroom door before I enter.”
(respect)
• “My wife really likes it when I express how much she means to me in front of
family and friends.” (affection)
• “My daughter loves it when I celebrate how well she plays the piano.”
(appreciation)
• Searching for approval, a teenager may make moral compromises.
• “My friend enjoys it when I make a priority of times to talk and listen.”
(attention)
Throughout this chapter we will explore practical ways we can give to others in
order to meet each relational need. After reading each group of statements, rate
yourself relative to how sensitive you are in meeting other people’s needs. Instead
of thinking of one particular person as you’re reading the statements, think in gen-
eral terms. How well do you typically meet these needs for others? (We may be
very good at meeting a particular need in our spouse’s life but neglect meeting this
same need in our friends. Or, we may be good at meeting a particular need in our
children’s lives but neglect those at work).
Instructions: Using the scale indicated below, put a number (1,2,3,4,5) on each line
that best represents how consistent you think you are in giving to meet other peo-
ple’s needs.
98
Top Ten Relational Needs
1 2 3 4 5
Acceptance (receiving others willingly and unconditionally)
____ I go out of my way to welcome those whose physical appearance, lifestyle,
and/or beliefs differ from my own.
____ When I am in a group of people, I try to spot those who seem to be uneasy
or alone and take steps to help them feel welcome.
____ I generally look beyond people’s faults and give to their needs.
____ I accept people not only when they are “up,” but also when they are “down.”
____ When others “blow it,” mess up, or offend me, I am quick to forgive them.
99
Giving to Meet the Needs of Others
Encourage one another in a growth area of “Giving First” (consider your low-
est score from above)
“I could do a better job meeting the need of affection by
____________________________________________________________.”
(feel free to share a recent example as appropriate)
Pause and Reflect:
Share with a partner or enrichment group:
Take turns sharing vulnerably and encourage one another in affection..
Examples: “I’ll look forward to hearing about your improvement.”
“I’m sure your self-awareness will bring growth in you!”
“I’ll be excited to celebrate your growth in this area.”
Rate yourself on giving APPRECIATION
Not True Somewhat True Sometimes Very True Exceptionally True
1 2 3 4 5
Appreciation (expressing thanks, praise, or commendation, particularly in recog-
nition of someone’s accomplishments or efforts; appreciation has a specific focus
on what a person “does”)
101
Giving to Meet the Needs of Others
102
Top Ten Relational Needs
____ I am quick to commend people when they have done something that is good
and honorable.
____ As I view other people, I am able to separate who they are (valuable, important
and significant)from what they do (sometimes good, sometimes bad).
____ I go out of my way to tell others how blessed I am to be in relationship with
them (husband, wife, friend, father, mother, son, daughter).
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Giving to Meet the Needs of Others
1 2 3 4 5
Attention (conveying appropriate interest, concern, and care. It requires us to take
notice of others, listen to them, and make an effort to enter into their respective
worlds.)
____ I spend time with others in order to learn about their struggles, joys, and dreams.
____ I try to enter into other people’s physical worlds by visiting their homes,
schools, and/or places of work.
____ I try to enter into other people’s emotional worlds by discerning their
emotional states, seeking understanding, and empathizing with them.
____ I am a good listener—I maintain good eye contact, seek to listen carefully
before I respond, and offer constructive feedback when appropriate.
____ I spend time doing what others enjoy doing, rather than insisting that we do
what I want to do.
Total for Attention ____
Celebrate An Area of Strength (consider your highest score from above)
“Concerning meeting the need of attention, I typically do a good job of
____________________________________________________________.”
(feel free to share a recent example as appropriate)
Take turns sharing and celebrate together as you rejoice in attention, one aspect of
“Giving First.”
Examples: “I’m glad to know that about you.”
“I’ve experienced that from you!”
“I know people are blessed as you care for them in this way.”
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Top Ten Relational Needs
Encourage one another in a growth area of “Giving First” (consider your low-
est score from above)
“I could do a better job meeting the need of attention by
____________________________________________________________.”
(feel free to share a recent example as appropriate)
Pause and Reflect:
Share with a partner or enrichment group:
Take turns sharing vulnerably and encourage one another in attention.
Examples: “I’ll look forward to hearing about your improvement.”
“I’m sure your self-awareness will bring growth in you!”
“I’ll be excited to celebrate your growth in this area.”
Rate yourself on giving COMFORT
Not True Somewhat True Sometimes Very True Exceptionally True
1 2 3 4 5
Comfort (caringly responding to a hurting person through words, actions, emo-
tional responses, and physical touch. Meeting this need requires us to truly hurt with
and for another person in the midst of their grief or pain.)
____ I notice when others are hurting, anxious, frustrated, or emotionally “down.”
____ I have compassion for others and seek to enter into their emotional pain.
____ I communicate my care and concern for others through affirming words.
____ I respond to hurting people with gentle touch when appropriate.
____ When people are hurting, I express my feelings of sadness and hurt for them
instead of giving them advice or exhortation.
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Top Ten Relational Needs
Take turns sharing and celebrate together as you rejoice in encouragement, one
aspect of “Giving First.”
Examples: “I’m glad to know that about you.”
“I’ve experienced that from you!”
“I know people are blessed as you care for them in this way.”
Encourage one another in a growth area of “Giving First” (consider your low-
est score from above)
“I could do a better job meeting the need of encouragement by
____________________________________________________________.”
(feel free to share a recent example as appropriate)
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Giving to Meet the Needs of Others
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Top Ten Relational Needs
1 2 3 4 5
____ Those whom I am closest to never have to wonder about where our relation-
ship stands. I am open and transparent in sharing my heart, care and concern.
____ I proactively attempt to maintain health in all my relationships. If a
relationship is strained, I try to reconcile it quickly.
____ I am even-tempered and not prone to moodiness or outbursts of anger; there
is consistency in how I relate to people.
____ I make decisions based on the well-being of those I love and care for, not just
my own well-being.
____ I am self controlled. Others around me don’t fear outbursts of accusations,
criticism or impulsive decisions from me.
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Giving to Meet the Needs of Others
Take turns sharing and celebrate together as you rejoice in support, one aspect of
“Giving First.”
Examples: “I’m glad to know that about you.”
“I’ve experienced that from you!”
“I know people are blessed as you care for them in this way.”
Encourage one another in a growth area of “Giving First” (consider your low-
est score from above)
“I could do a better job meeting the need of support by
____________________________________________________________.”
(feel free to share a recent example as appropriate)
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Giving to Meet the Needs of Others
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Top Ten Relational Needs
Recalling that gratitude for having received others’ care and love can prompt and
empower our giving to others. Consider again the two needs above and pause qui-
etly to recall a time when each was met in your life:
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Giving to Meet the Needs of Others
Look at the two (2) needs you scored lowest on and identified previously (page 114).
Make an action plan to address each of these needs. (Make your plans as specific as
possible, focusing on specific people to be completed in the next few weeks.) You
can use ideas from the statements for each need on pages 113.
As each person shares, celebrate the openness to grow and plan to encourage one
another in this “Giving First” journey!
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Top Ten Relational Needs
Living It Out
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Giving to Meet the Needs of Others
Now let’s consider the remaining two painful emotions of Fear and
Condemnation.
Fear is healed with Reassuring Love. When you are worried, anxious, or fearful,
it’s related to concerns about the future! (i.e. you don’t fear the past).
Realizing that “fears” dealt with “alone” actually get worse, it’s imperative to share
them in a close, secure relationship:
“Whatever the future brings, I’m going to be here to go through it with you.”
“If you’re wondering about my commitment, you don’t need to. Regardless of the
outcome, I’m here for you.”
Take turns being Vulnerable with one of your fears using the sentence above, then
share Reassuring Care.
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Top Ten Relational Needs
“I can’t do anything right” needs the truth that, “I may not be able to do ‘this’ right
now, but I do many things right.”
We often struggle to even see or believe the “truth” about us during our battle with
condemnation. We need caring truth shared with us by others who know and love
us. This challenges us to gratefully receive the truth they shared.
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Giving to Meet the Needs of Others
Vulnerable Sharing:
“From this chapter inventory, I want to be a person who gives more ___________
especially toward ___________________________________.”
Celebrate Together:
“Since our last time together I have been able to better demonstrate (which need)
_________________________ to (who) _____________________________
by ____________________________________________________________.
Expressions of Gratitude:
“I was able to recall receiving (which need) ______________________ from
(who) _______________________ when _____________________________
and I expressed my gratitude since we were last together by _______________
______________________________________________________________.”
2. Take turns sharing from the Living It Out section with a specific focus on Hurt,
Anger, and Guilt followed by overcoming fear and finding freedom from condem-
nation.
Celebrate Together:
Review your reflections on Hurt, Anger, and Guilt and “update” your group on
recent freedom you may have experienced.
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Top Ten Relational Needs
Take turns sharing, with appropriate discretion and allow others to celebrate with
you in your additional freedom.
Additional Sharing:
Vulnerable Sharing of Fears & Offering Reassuring Care:
Consider sharing common struggles with fear, anxiety, worry, as you take turns shar-
ing your reflections from page 116, offering one another words of reassuring care.
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Chapter 7
Challenges to a “Giving
First” Lifestyle
H
aving explored the foundational principles of our relational “needi-
ness,” we’re confronted with the challenge of our interdependency.
We simply cannot meet many relational needs in a self-reliant man-
ner like a person alone on an island. We have been created with the
need for close relationships, with God, and in families, marriages, friendships and
communities. Additionally, in our relational interdependency, “selfish-taking” is not
the solution to healthy, mature relationships. “Taking” from others their attention,
appreciation, or affection is both painful for others and unsatisfying for ourselves.
Therefore the principle of “Giving First” has been introduced to describe an impor-
tant aspect of healthy relationships:
k • Healthy Marriages have both husband and wife “Giving First” to one another.
• Healthy Families have mutually giving parents “Giving First” to the needs of
their children.
• Healthy Friendships involve two people, each “Giving First” to one another.
• Healthy Teams/Communities have many “Giving First” members.
In this chapter we will explore three of the most common challenges to our main-
taining a “Giving First” lifestyle.
Pause and Reflect:
Share with a partner or enrichment group:
Take turns sharing about a recent time when you have “Given First” to someone:
“Recently I was able to give to (who) _______________________by (what) ____
________________________________________________________________.
As each person shares, celebrate together in this journey of becoming a “Giving
First” person.
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Top Ten Relational Needs
As we come to grips with the challenge to “Give First”, three important issues
often rise to the surface.
One issue is this: Is it possible for someone to be “ttoo needy?” Is it possible that
someone could have needs that are so great that they can’t be satisfied?
Another issue is: Is it possible to be “ttoo giving,” even to the point of becoming
“bburned out?”
Sometimes these two issues are related: one person is becoming “burned out” or
exhausted trying to meet the needs of someone who is very difficult to satisfy!
This chapter will explore what’s going on in these situations and offer suggestions
for what to do in response.
We have all probably felt this way from time to time. Others may have felt this
way about us!
There is no one in this world that is too needy to satisfy. We all have needs, but no
one is so needy that their needs cannot be met.
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Challenges to a “Giving First”Lifestyle
Reflections: (i.e., does someone come to mind whose “target” we seem to be miss-
ing?)
_______________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________
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Top Ten Relational Needs
123
Challenges to a “Giving First” Lifestyle
Reflections: (i.e., someone you feel “pressured” to meet all of their needs?)
_______________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________
Reflections: (i.e., list 3 or 4 people in your life who regularly “Give First” to you)
_______________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________
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Challenges to a “Giving First” Lifestyle
Perhaps you could really use a generous dose of encouragement or respect. How
can you express your needs without becoming selfish or falling into the “taking”
trap?
First, affirm the clarity and validity of your need, especially give thought to what
meeting your need would “look” or “sound” like.
Second, in a gentle, non-threatening way, share your needs with your friend, family,
co-worker, etc. Maybe with a co-worker: “I would enjoy contributing to this proj-
ect and if we could plan our next meeting in advance, I will make it a priority.”
(your respect need has been shared). Maybe with your spouse: “It would mean a
lot to me if we could spend some time together tonight. I need some quiet time
with you.” (your attention need has been shared). Maybe with a friend: “I’ve real-
ly had a rough day, could I share with you some of my frustrations? I just need a
listening ear.” (your attention and comfort needs have been shared).
Finally, whatever you need, give to others. Do you need comfort? Give comfort.
Do you need respect? Give respect to others. Giving to others helps to keep us
from becoming selfish.
Pause and Reflect:
Share with a partner or enrichment group:
What insights concerning “burn-out” might be applicable to you? Review the three
“burn-out” challenges above. What might you need to remember and address in
your own life?
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
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Top Ten Relational Needs
What are some important needs in your life right now? Support? Attention?
Appreciation? First, clarify how this need could be met. Then, share your needs
with a friend or loved one, trusting that your needs will be met. Finally, begin to
generously give to meet those needs in other people’s lives.
Pause and Reflect:
Share with a partner or enrichment group:
Write out a sentence which shares a need with a family member, a friend, or a co-
worker; make it as “real” as possible and plan to “try” your sentence soon!
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
(i.e., I really appreciate hearing when my efforts to support you have been what you
needed.)
GIVING FIRST! DOING TASKS VS. IDENTITY
A third challenge in “becoming” a “Giving First” person relates to how we view this
goal:
• If increasing our “giving” to others is seen as simply adding more items to our
“things to do list,” then it will become a burden and ineffective.
• If “Giving First” becomes more of an identity issue of “becoming,” then it
becomes more natural and accompanied with joy.
Pause and Reflect:
Share with a partner or enrichment group:
Increasing our purposeful “Giving First” to others may at times take planning and
organization plus feel “awkward” or “mechanical” at first...and yet any new “habit”
works through these challenges.
Discuss what “planning” or “organization” ideas you have initiated which have
assisted your “Giving First” to others: (i.e., start the day “giving”, make notes
throughout the day, technology you use, etc.)
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
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Challenges to a “Giving First” Lifestyle
Discuss what “awkward” or “mechanical” times you have experienced as you have
increased your “Giving First” “habit”: (i.e., saying “I love you” or “I appreciate
you” was awkward; it seemed mechanical at first making “birthday” phone calls).
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
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Top Ten Relational Needs
•Accepting •Comforting
•Affectionate •Encouraging
•Appreciative •Respectful
•Approving •Supportive
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Challenges to a “Giving First” Lifestyle
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Top Ten Relational Needs
“Receiving” in Childhood
• Children do not comprehend their needs, so it is essential that parents
understand these needs, validate their importance, and focus on giving in
order to meet each child’s needs.
• Consider how you might express your gratitude (i.e., verbal expressions,
send a note, make a phone call, public expression to others)
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
“Receiving” in Adulthood
• Great love is felt when needs that went unmet in childhood are met in our
adult relationships. Healthy adults work to understand the relational needs
of others and consistently give in order to meet these needs.
• A specific positive experience of someone “giving” to me in an area of
unmet childhood need was when (who) ______________________ took
initiative to ________________________________________________.
• Consider how you might express your gratitude (i.e., verbal expressions,
send a note, make a phone call, public expression to others)
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
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Challenges to a “Giving First” Lifestyle
Living It Out
Consider someone in your life who is a challenge to give to. Who are they
___________________________ and what do you sense the hindrance may be?
(Review five areas on pages 120-122)
Recall the vulnerable sentence you might need to share with a friend, co-worker or
loved one in order to better clarify and communicate your need in a caring way (see
page 122).
Re-write it here:
“I would appreciate it if _____________________________________.”
“It would mean a lot if ______________________________________.”
“I would enjoy it if _________________________________________.”
Then reflect on your plans to share it, or on the response/outcome after you shared
it.
Reflections: _____________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________
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Top Ten Relational Needs
133
Chapter 8
I
n large part, fulfillment and “success”
in life can be assessed by the depth,
genuineness, and sincerity of our rela-
tionships, much beyond what we can acquire, accomplish, and
achieve. When the lights are out, when “things” don’t satisfy, when age brings the
reality of our mortality, relationships have the potential of abundance now and a
legacy which lives on.
Notice however, that our relationships have “potential”, but as in most other aspects
of life, their potential must be seized and pursued. In this closing chapter we will
explore these opportunites to experience:
• Deep Friendships with great meaning
• Marital Closeness with great intimacy
• Family legacy with great fulfillment
• Caring, connected Teamwork in the community and workplace.
Pause and Reflect:
Share with a partner or enrichment group:
Reflect on family members and friends in your life who seemed to give priority to
relationships over other things;
I recall (who) __________________________ giving priority to ___________
_______________________________________________________________.
Ex.: I recall my grandfather giving priority to my grandmother rather than his hob-
bies and making priority time for me on the weekend when I knew he was tired
after working a long week.
Giving priority to relationships also involves “going deep!” Shallow acquaintances
or casual “chit-chat” won’t satisfy this need to relate that we were created with.
Only close or “intimate” relationships fulfill this deep longing.
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Top Ten Relational Needs
135
The Journey Into Intimate Relationships
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Top Ten Relational Needs
137
The Journey Into Intimate Relationships
But this principle also speaks to how the truth should be spoken, how it should be
delivered. Sharing “truth in love” might sound like:
“I would enjoy it if we might __________________________________.”
“I know you did not mean to, and yet I felt disappointed by your criticism in
front of our friends.”
If we ignore either admonition in this principle, we’ll either “hide” or “attack.”
“Hiders” don’t share the truth; “Attackers” share the truth-but not in love. Both
approaches produce disastrous results. “Healers” share the truth in love.
A simple principle of “truth” and “healing” is that when someone is hurting, they at
least need your comfort:
“I’m sorry that happened.”
“I reject that for you.”
And may need your confession (apology):
“I should not have said that. Will you forgive me?”
“It was wrong of me to be so impatient. Will you forgive me?”
Pause and Reflect:
Share with a partner or enrichment group:
“I was recently able to give comfort concerning ________________________.”
“I recently apologized concerning ___________________________________.”
Gentle words are better than harsh ones
The third principle is: learn to diffuse volatile conversations by speaking gentle
words.
How do you respond to an “Attacker?” To someone who hurts with their words?
The answer is not to “hurt” back, for then you fall into the trap of “returning insult
for insult,” a battle in which there is no winner.
What will neutralize anger? A gentle answer. What does a gentle answer sound
like? Here are some examples: “I’m sorry this situation has disappointed you. Let’s
talk about it.” “I want to do everything I can to restore peace to this relationship.
Let’s talk.” “If I’ve done something to offend you, I want to know about it so I can
make it right.”
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Top Ten Relational Needs
The following statements will help you assess the true status of your relationship
priorities. Read them slowly and see if there is one of the ten statements that
prompts you to pause and consider if additional priority is needed.
1. I spend regular, quality, uninterrupted time with my spouse, friends, and family.
3. I know who my children’s friends are, what they’re doing in school, their inter-
ests, the stresses they’re under, etc.
4. My spouse, friends, and family know me. I share with them my needs, feelings,
dreams and concerns.
5. I’m “approachable” by my spouse and friends and family; they’re not hesitant to
vulnerably share their feelings or to approach me when I’ve offended them.
6. I keep up with family and friend birthdays and other special occasions/celebra-
tions.
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The Journey Into Intimate Relationships
8. I have regular contact (visit, phone, email, or letter) with my extended family (in-
laws, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc.).
9. I surprise friends/family with unexpected “Giving First” based upon truly know-
ing them.
Begin with a focus on one person. Maybe beginning with the group leaders. Write
and take turns expressing words of:
This person is challenged to “receive” and after group leaders have shared, move on
to the next person.
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Top Ten Relational Needs
7. “I’m so very much looking forward to taking what I’ve experienced and
_______________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________.”
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The Journey Into Intimate Relationships
Living it Out
First let’s discuss the wrong way to deal with hurt. Most people either suppress
their hurt and become “hiders,” or they lose control and become “attackers.” Both
approaches produce painful outcomes.
Hiding
“Hiding” pain hurts you and others. It may seem like the easy way out is to
ignore pain and to “suppress it;” but to disregard the truth of your hurt sets in
motion a damaging cycle that affects both you and your relationship with others.
“Hiding” hurt can feed anger and bitterness. You may find yourself pretending
on the outside and seething on the inside.
“Hiding” hurt can prompt subsequent retaliation and rebellion. You may find
yourself like the little school boy sent to the corner for misbehaving-he was sitting
down on the outside, but standing up on the inside! This “standing up” on the
inside can later be expressed by being uncooperative, selfish, insensitive, or can even
produce more overt actions. Periodic explosions would not be uncommon. An
attitude of “I’ll show you,” might lead to retaliation by escaping into work, sub-
stance abuse or an affair.
“Hiding” hurt can undermine your sense of worth and prompt feelings of
condemnation. Ignoring hurt can eventually damage our sense of identity and
worth. We might begin to think, “I’m not worth being treated any better than this”
or, “There’s something wrong with me or I’d have more love and less hurt.”
Furthermore, significant and long-lasting damage can occur if we think our needs,
hurts and pain seem too unimportant to mention.
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Top Ten Relational Needs
“Hiding” hurt can contribute to harmful relational and physical side effects.
Internalized or suppressed emotions like anger, bitterness, guilt and anxiety are
often associated with physical complaints such as ulcers, high blood pressure and
skin rashes. “Anger turned inward” is a common expression for certain forms of
depression. Inhibited sexual desire, particularly in women, is frequently associated
with unresolved emotional/stress issues.
“Hiding” hurt hinders others from knowing the “real” me! To hide my true
feelings is to pretend and wear a “mask” of protection. Intimacy is hindered and
relationships remain shallow. It’s often difficult for loved ones around me to sense
that I can genuinely feel love for them if they don’t see and hear that I can feel pain.
Attacking
“Attacking” hurts you and others. Attackers often want to get even, “You hurt
me-I’m going to hurt you.” They may attack with hurtful words, temper tantrums,
shouting matches or physical abuse. The result is always damaging.
“Attacking” adds feelings of guilt. Considerable research has shown that simply
“venting” anger and hurt doesn’t release it; most of the time, the anger remains and
then we feel guilty because of how we may have attacked or hurt another person.
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The Journey Into Intimate Relationships
“Attacking” focuses on a problem (or person) you can’t fix! One of the most
frustrating things about attacking others is that it rarely does any good and usually
makes matters worse. A key reason for this is that your attacking focuses on some-
one you can’t change! The focus is shifted away from the only person you really can
be responsible for-you!
“Attacking” undermines the foundation of close relationships. One of the
worst things about hurtful words and actions is that they can’t be “taken back.”
Trust is undermined as past events are used to hurt others. The emotional pain
inflicted by harsh words, even if they were not really meant will linger in the heart
of a wounded spouse, friend, or child long after the attack is over. Often, only the
bad times are remembered and hope gives way to despair and the joy of closeness is
lost.
“Hiding” feelings of anger doesn’t work, “Attacking” doesn’t work either.
The only viable solution is to be assertive in order to “heal” pain.
Healing
Finally, forgive your offender. Forgiveness is primarily a choice for your benefit.
Choose to forgive even if your offender doesn’t ask your forgiveness and even if
his/her behavior doesn’t change. Forgiveness will help you to guard your heart
from bitterness, hardness, and indifference.
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Top Ten Relational Needs
Utilize the seven reflections from your “Grateful For Love” journal as the focus of
your sharing.
After each person has shared their reflection on number 1, begin sharing your
reflections on question 2 and so forth until you have completed seven (7) rounds of
sharing.
145