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Self-Pity
b y W i l l i a m P. F a r l e y
Many people in India experience the seems so innocuous, so legitimate. It seems like a
nightmare of slow, undetected poisoning. Water normal reaction to disappointment or trouble.
from wells in rural areas contains trace amounts But, as Richard Smith points out,
of arsenic that is killing thousands. Since the
Self-pity can destroy you more quickly than
poison is colorless and tasteless, the villagers have
anything else and is to be resisted with every
no way of detecting it. And since the arsenic
fiber of your being. Yet you will be
comes in such minute quantities, the negative
constantly tempted. We are bombarded
effects appear gradually over many years. The
with opportunities to feel sorry for
symptoms follow a typical pattern.
ourselves. Every day we are misunderstood,
The first outward manifestation is overworked, underappreciated, and even
melanosis, or dark spots, occurring on the abused, and regularly ‘something unfair’ will
chest, back, limbs, and gums. In the more happen: we will become ill, miss a train. We
advanced stage, wart-like skin eruptions may even suspect a conspiracy: “somebody's
develop on the hands, feet, and torso, out to get me.”2
which can lead to skin cancers. Continual
That somebody who is out to get me is myself
poisoning by arsenic results in the
when I am consumed by self-pity. It comes in
enlargement of the liver, kidneys, and
many forms. Consider these examples.
spleen which often develop into malignant
tumors, lung, skin and bladder cancers, and • After twenty years of marriage, Betty’s
gangrene.1 husband left her for a younger, more
beautiful woman. Betty became
At low concentration levels, it takes between
depressed, morose, and self-obsessed.
eight and fourteen years for the physical
Most significantly, she became bitter
symptoms to emerge. By then it is often too late.
toward God.
• Jack felt dejected. He had been married
Spiritual Poison
to Joanne for thirty years. Their children
Spiritual poison works the same way. When
were finally raised, and he retired early to
persistently indulged, it destroys the soul with
enjoy the “golden years.” But those
lethal toxins that, like arsenic, go undetected for
retirement years did not prove to be
years. Such is the deadly sin of self-pity! Self-pity
_______________________________________________ golden. His doctor discovered intestinal
cancer. He faced chemotherapy, sickness,
*William Farley is Pastor, Grace Christian
and no guarantee of recovery. He
Fellowship in Spokane, Washington.
Anything short of crucifixion is infinite grace know not what they do” (Luke 23:34). Here is
bestowed by a loving God on someone utterly the glorious Good News. When we believe, God
unworthy.” The cross not only removes just imputes Christ’s lack of self-pity, His gratitude
punishment, it brings all joy. and thanksgiving, to you and me. Many people
The repentant thief spoke the truth to the stuck in the sin of self-pity do not know what they
unrepentant criminal hanging with him: are doing or how God sees it. To see self-pity
through the lens of Christ’s cross is to receive
“Don’t you fear God? We are punished both conviction and vast forgiveness.
justly, for we are getting what our deeds
deserve. But this man has done nothing Helping Betty, Jack, and Fred
wrong.” How can a counselor apply the cross to men
Then he turned to Jesus and said, “Jesus, and women like Betty, Jack, and Fred, who are
remember me when You come into Your trapped in self-pity? Hear them out, then share
kingdom.” the truth of the cross with them. Betty’s betrayal,
Jesus answered him, “I tell you the truth, Jack’s cancer, and Fred’s chronic pain are hard
today you will be with Me in paradise.” sufferings. But Christ died in their place. He took
(Luke 23:41-43) the punishment they deserve in order to give
them the reward that He deserves. But
The agonizing work of the cross offers full
remember, saying this once will not settle the
healing.
matter. You may need to wheel them many times
You are in Jesus, the Son of God, who for
into the adjoining ward where the cross stands
the joy set before Him—God’s purpose!—
tall.
some of Joe’s complaints were valid. But it gratitude that slays self-pity. He needs to see his
seemed as though he exaggerated his problems. own sin and what it deserves. He needs a fresh,
Looking at his marriage through the lens of pride, penetrating view of the cross of Christ and all
he could not see any of Mandy’s positive that it says about God’s love and his own sin.
contributions. He could not see and of Mandy’s
positive contributions to their marriage. Counseling Homework
“You have described Mandy’s deficiencies For counselees struggling with self-pity,
sincerely,” I finally said. “Tell me, what does she assignments such as the following may be helpful.
do well? Where do you see God’s grace at work in These assignments come at the problem from
her life?” many angles. They aim to help counselees build a
“God’s grace? What does that have to do whole new way of looking at the world and at
with anything? Haven’t you heard me? She is their relation with God.
making me miserable. I deserve better than this.”
1. Assign biblical character studies on men and
After a pause I said, “I want to help you, but
women who suffered: Noah, Joseph, Moses,
first God wants you to put on thanksgiving. You
Naomi, David, Jeremiah, and others. Point
should be grateful. The cross says that your
out their faithfulness to God despite their
marriage should be much worse. It says that you
suffering. Read the psalms of David and
and Mandy both deserve crucifixion. Compared
others and point out how, although they
to this, God has been gracious. Your wife loves
start out with complaints, they end up with
you. Your children are healthy. You have a good
praise for God and His faithfulness.
job. And God has given you saving faith. You
2. Assign chapters from the book of Job and
should be jumping with joy. I know Mandy is not
follow up with discussion. Job suffered