Jasmine Glover

Communication Ethics
October 13, 2020

There are so many issues about communication ethics especially when it involves

sexuality. Recently my 16-year-old nephew, Leland, came to me seeking advice on how to talk

to his dad (my brother) Lonnie about him being gay. Growing up Leland has always been very

flamboyant. It was never a secret that he would potentially be homosexual. My brother Lonnie,

who is homophobic, but claims to have come to terms with his son being gay, has caused a lot of

chaos since a tok-tok was found of my nephew wearing a wig and makeup. It was never really a

surprise about Leland’s sexuality, most of our family had just assumed, it was only a matter of

time for him to publicly come out and be comfortable with who he is. Though most of our family

is very accepting to the LGBTQ community, my brother continues to struggle with holding

conversations with Leland about certain thing pertaining to him being gay and more feminine.

Leland stated to me that he is unable to communicate with Lonnie without it resulting in an

argument because Lonnie does not understand his point of view. The ethical question arises of

how a father goes about having a conversation with his son regarding homosexuality. The author

I chose to engage with is Paula Tompkins. I chose Tompkins because the importance of

communication and its role in relationships is emphasized in her first few chapters. In my

opinion, to have an effective conversation about sexuality one must evaluate their ethical

standard and utilize the ethical reasoning process. A situation with such sensitivity, one must also

reconsider their application of ethical values.

A personal ethical standard is values and principles that we use to make judgements and

decisions about what is right and wrong. Paula Tompkins explains that our sense of right or

wrong affects how we communicate. My brother having the preconception that being gay is

wrong influences how he approaches the conversations with Leland. “Examining your personal
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Communication Ethics
October 13, 2020

ethical standard is one way to become more mindful of how you practice ethical

communication.” (Tompkins, 22) If Lonnie were more mindful of his personal ethical standard,

he would be better prepared to hold this conversation and keep his composure. If he was more

aware of his disapproval of gay men instead of in denial, he would be able to understand the role

it is playing in the failed attempts to talk to his son. Instead of hearing Leland out Lonnie is stuck

in his ideology of “right is right and wrong is wrong” leaving no grey area for Leland to express

himself. A practice of ethical communication is to listen to what others say about an ethical issue

but to also think about your own ethical commitments in a different point of view. I think if

Lonnie could use this moment as a learning opportunity to examine his personal ethical standard

the conversation could be held without going left. Another point Tompkins mention is adult

interaction being important. How others communicate and our interpretations effect our values

and ethical commitments. I mention this because Lonnie did not have the best relationship with

our dad. Communication is an area that our father struggles with and caused some dysfunction

within relationships between him and his children. I see my brother doing the same with his own

children. “A strategy of avoidance…does not provide children and adolescents models for

practicing communication ethics- how to recognize and think critically about difficult or divisive

issues.” (Tompkins, 23) It is hard to expect my brother to be able to address the situation

properly when he did not have that influence from his father to be able to articulate and

understand personal thoughts and practice ethical communication.

When it comes to moral emotion sympathy would allow Lonnie to further understand

Leland’s perspective. “A sympathetic response recognizes there is more to you than I can

understand.” (Tompkins, 26) With such a hard topic, it requires one to promote ethical sensitivity

because Leland is different from what his dad would presume to be “normal.” It is important to
Jasmine Glover
Communication Ethics
October 13, 2020

have that ethical sensitivity because it creates room for Leland to be comfortable with these types

of conversations with his dad. Another point that resonated with Lonnie’s lack of communication

with our dad, ultimately affecting his efforts with Leland, is the idea of serve and return. On page

28 Tompkins cites, “If the adults’ response is not in sync, engaging child in responsive,

complementary behavior the child’s learning process is disrupted with negative implications for

later development.” (cited in Shonkoff and Bales 26) In my opinion I do not feel as if there was a

foundation laid out for Lonnie as a kid in regard to appropriate communication. My brother was

robbed of the opportunity to learn how to understand other people and objects that are different

from him nor how to recognize differences with positive acknowledgement. In turn, Leland is

too lacking skillset to leave openness to others. This causes Lonnie and Leland to clash when

speaking on his sexuality and his feminine portrayal. When evaluating his personal ethical

standard using reversibility would be most beneficial. I think if Lonnie put himself in Leland’s

shoes in trying to explain sexuality and femineity to his father (who is not fond of gay people)

would put his struggle to communicate efficiently into perspective. Instead of viewing Leland

being flamboyant as something unethical or wrong he could accept that his son is becoming his

own person and embracing himself/ gaining confidence. I think putting himself in Leland’s

position would also push him to make exceptions to how he is applying his ethical commitments.

Another way to reconsider how to go about conversations pertaining to sexuality would

be to utilize the steps to ethical reasoning. Ethical reasoning is determining the right thing to say

in situations that challenge your morals and values. Tompkins lists the five steps in ethical

reasoning as recognizing an ethical issue, getting the facts about the situation, thinking about

alternative ethical responses, evaluating alternative communication responses from different

viewpoints, and finally reflectively acting on your chosen response. (Tompkins 52) Applying
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Communication Ethics
October 13, 2020

these steps to the dilemma of conducting a conversation about sexuality with his son, Lonnie first

needs to discern the ethical issues. One thing he should consider is the long- and short-term

consequences that have potential to affect other stakeholders, not just Leland. Lonnie’s

argumentative approach to the situation could potentially diminish his other three sons’

confidence to want to confront him about any other serious matters. Lonnie’s failure to handle

the situation could affect his relationships with immediate family because of the conflict that

arose between him and Leland. The next step is getting the facts. Knowing my brother, he is big

on assuming. Many times, his justification for everything is that he is the parent and he know

what is right. In this case, it is important for him to understand what is relevant to the situation.

“How well you identify and understand the fact of your specific situation affects the quality of

your ethical discernment, deliberation, and decision making.” (Tompkins, 59) Determining what

is important to you will help come to a decision for the best outcome of the situation, which is

step three. I think the situation at hand is more than just either/or thinking. Having the mindset

that being homosexuality is wrong and heterosexuality is right keeps Lonnie from seeing any

alternative solutions. In order for Lonnie to be successful in this process he has to really consider

the best solution, as well as look at it from all perspectives, including Leland’s. In the fourth step

of evaluating his response Lonnie would be able to acknowledge that while his choices for

communicating may not be ethically pure, other alternatives can be more ethically fitting when it

comes to holding this conversation about Leland’s sexuality. The final step is acting and

reflecting on how your decision had impact. This step is pretty self-explanatory. Reflecting on

your decision can help future conversations. Lonnie taking initiative to learn how to

communicate ethically would help him have more positive and beneficial conversations about

serious concepts with his son.

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Communication Ethics
October 13, 2020

Understanding the sensitivity of the situation at hand Lonnie would have to reconsider

how he applies his values and principles in ethical reasoning. Lonnie has been more of an

absolutist, believing that there should be no modifying to application of values and the right is

always right. I believe that a more relativism approach would be more beneficial for his

situation. More specifically, with situationist relativism allows the values to vary based on the

unique situation. I think that my brother is entitled to his viewpoint on the LGBTQ community

but at the same time in order to keep a relationship with his son he is forced to make exceptions.

Tolerance being the practice of suspending judgement about people who are different from you

is something that is essential when applying values. “Practicing tolerance also involves

interacting or living with people whose ideas or behaviors make you uncomfortable, because

they are different.” (Tompkins 109) Initially Lonnie had a preconception that everything about

homosexuality is wrong but in order to practice ethical communication and get the most out of a

conversation he would have to push himself out of his comfort zone.

Not everything is simplistic as black and white. There are times that our morals and

values are tested causing us to reevaluate certain situations. Paula Tompkins states that we are

relationally connected through communication and our sense of right and wrong impacts how we

communicate, In the dilemma of fathers speaking about sexuality with their son it is important to

understand that we all have our own ethical communication. Especially for a person who is

against LGBTQ, having an accepting, positive conversation would require on to evaluate their

ethical standard and utilize the ethical reasoning process as well as reconsider how they apply

their own ethical values.