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"High Viscosity"
Based on an Actual Story

Screenplay by

Nicholas Mastro

Registered WGAw

© 2011 Nicholas Mastro

 "HIGH VISCOSITY!"

INT – DRESSING ROOM – December 21, 2012

A moustachioed Austrian man, PHILLY FILLET, sits

before his vanity. He stares deeply into his own
shallow, vapid eyes, rapt in his own contemplation.

PHILLY
Vat ze fuck haf I become?

A MAN pokes his head in the door and clears his throat.

MAN
You're on in five, sir.

Philly turns his head slightly, keeping eye contact

with himself, and the man vanishes just as he appeared.

PHILLY
Time to take it like a man.

INT – FILLET SHOW! SET – CONTINUOUS

A sodium spotlight hits a curtain backdrop.

ANNOUNCER
And now, for your viewing
pleasure, it's The Fillet Show!
With your host, Philly Fillet!

The curtain rustles as Philly comes on stage and the

crowd cheers.

PHILLY
Zank you, I hate you all und I
hope you die of dysentery. Velcome
to ze show.

A HECKLER in the audience shouts at the stage.

HECKLER
You Suck!

PHILLY
Hey meister!

Philly snaps his head sharply to look at the heckler,

then softens his tone.
"High Viscosity" 2.

PHILLY (CONT.)
Zat vas qvick, und kind of clever.
I should hire you as a writer.
Then I can reject your work for
the rest of your life.

The audience chuckles lightly.

PHILLY (CONT.)
By Gerund's balls, I vill kill von
of you mother lovers before ze
night is through.

EXT – ZOO – NOVEMBER 9, 1989

A young PHILLY nibbles at a cream filled scone. He

tours the zoo in the brisk autumnal air with his
diminutive, bespectacled father, SVEN.

PHILLY V.O.
As I sit opening my heart chakra
in ze repose of deep meditation,
it occurs to me zat zere is
only von living sing und von non-
living sing, und zey are
indistingvishable.

PHILLY
Fodder, can ve observe ze monkey
exhibit?

Sven nods and they drift towards the gibbons. They

stand, observing. Sven pulls out a pipe and stuffs
some tobacco in the bowl. One of the gibbons becomes
curious and sits on a branch near the iron bars,
peering at Philly.

SVEN
Phillip...

Philly leans in and stares back at the monkey, miming

his motions.

SVEN
...zere's something ve need to
discuss. Ze factory...it is closed.

The gibbon loses his interest in Philly, climbs back

to a higher branch and begins to masturbate. Philly
takes a bite of his scone.
"High Viscosity" 3.

PHILLY
Of course it is closed, Fodder;
othervise ve vouldn't be observing
animal behavior.

PHILLY V.O.
Fact: evolutionary heritage can
be traced because our DNA
possesses all ze genetics of
every animal ve descend from.

SVEN
No, son...vat I mean is now zat ze
vall is gone, I no longer have my
job. Ve must move, Phillip- far,
far avay.

Sven taps out his pipe and returns it to his coat

pocket. The scone deposits a dollop of cream on
Philly's hand, just as the gibbon ejaculates.

PHILLY
How far avay? Stockholm?

The monkey licks the ejaculate off his hand, and

Philly mimics the gesture.

SVEN
No; much, much farther avay.

A moment of silence overtakes them both.

PHILLY
Does Argo know?

SVEN
I spoke vith him already, yes. He
sinks ve should move to ze United
States. Oh, ze irony...But I have
alvays trusted his judgment. Come,
Phillip.

PHILLY V.O.
Life itself can be seen as ze
development of DNA across space-
time.

They walk on in silence, passing a sign that reads,

”Don't Feed The Animals”. On The sign is a sticker
that reads, “You are NOW breathing manually- No not
Rhesusitate!”
"High Viscosity" 4.

PHILLY V.O. (CONT.)

Ve are neurons; plants are
lung sacs; lizards are skin
tissue...

EXT – MARKET PLACE – 1989

ARGO and PHILLY select produce at their local farmer’s

market. Argo picks up a cucumber and tests its
firmness. Philly radiates an agitated sense of
uncertainty.

PHILLY V.O.
...all functioning together as a
single organism; a clockverk
orange, if you vill. Or a
mechanical apple.

PHILLY
Argo...I don’t know if I vant to
go to America.

ARGO
Well why not? It’s a pretty great
place.

Argo is a tall, Grecian with a strong jaw line. His

firmness-testing slowly shifts into stroking the
cucumber in a suggestive manner. Philly doesn’t seem
to notice with his eyes cast slightly downward.

PHILLY
I don’t vant to lose mein friends,
fodder.

Argo puts the cucumber back, deciding it’s a bit too

small, and picks up a larger cucumber next to it. He
compares the cucumber to his forearm.

PHILLY V.O.
Und somevon alvays has to take a
bite of zat apple. Zat's just ze
vay zat life verks; life feeds on
life.

ARGO
Well that’s the thing, little
Phillip: friends can be found
anywhere and anywhen- you simply
have to look for them.
"High Viscosity" 5.

Argo pays for the cucumber and places it into his

handbag.

PHILLY
But I don’t vant to have to make
new friends. I'm...afraid, fodder.

Argo moves on to squash.

ARGO
Tell me Phillip: what is it you
would like to do most when you
have grown up?

After a moment of thinking, Philly replies.

PHILLY
I vant to say jokes for people to
laugh.

PHILLY V.O.
I can still remember zose short,
cold days of childhood.

Argo sets the squash down and turns to Philly,

kneeling.

ARGO
Well, in America, you can do that,
or anything else you want to
do...that’s why we’re moving
there. And things like that
attract a lot of friends...

Argo smirks.

ARGO (CONT)
...even girls.

Philly nods his head in understanding and Argo returns

to his produce. He picks up another squash and
squeezes it slightly. Unconvinced, he inserts the
squash into his mouth. The MERCHANT takes offense.

MERCHANT
Hey! Don’t stick zat in your mouth!

ARGO
How else am I to form an accurate
understanding of how soft or firm
it is?
"High Viscosity" 6.

INT – PHILLY'S STUDIO APARTMENT – 2008

PHILLY sits in meditation on a pillow of folded

blanket. His apartment is bare, hardwood, with a set
of dishes, some clothes neatly folded in a pile, and a
hand recorder placed to his side.

PHILLY V.O.
Zen a most fundamental truth
occurred to me: I haven’t eaten
anything in a vile.

He rises from his meditation position, deftly picking

up his hand recorder on the way, and struts to the
“kitchen”. The counter is littered with a few scraps
of paper and rolling tobacco.

PHILLY V.O. (CONT.)

So I voke my legs and drove zem as
cattle to ze kitchen. Here I
poured a bowl of cereal into
existence.

He pours a bowl of cereal and clicks on his recorder.

PHILLY
As I sit opening my heart chakra
in ze repose of deep meditation,
it occurs to me zat zere is
only von living sing und von non-
living sing, und zey are
indistingvishable...

EXT – PHILLY'S APARTMENT PARKING LOT – CONTINUOUS

PHILLY, dressed in black slacks and a sports blazer

walks up to a black car idling in the parking lot. As
he climbs in the passenger door, LOUIS FRIEND greets
him with a nod and drives off.

LOUIS
So...What's the sermon tonight?

PHILLY
I shouldn't say.

LOUIS
Well, why the hell not? Seven
years bad luck? Don't tell me you
go for that bullshit.
"High Viscosity" 7.

They both look straight-on as Louis drives.

PHILLY
Hey, man, don't knock zat vich you
do not understand. Luck isn't as
simple as superstition; zere is a
constant flux of qvantum variables
zat keep our universe stable. Ze
slightest disturbance of vich can
cause minor inconvenience, or
vorse.

LOUIS
Psychology is fine and dandy, but
I think I'll wait on science- Real
Science- to validate the existence
of “Qvantum Variables” before I
put a dime on it.

Louis chuckles. Philly looks at him sharply as they

come to a stop light.

PHILLY
Zat isn't funny, shitstick.

They arrive at their destination and Louis drives

around back to a loading dock. He parks and they exit
the vehicle.

INT – TEMPLE OF TEUTONTOLOGY – CONTINUOUS

LOUIS walks PHILLY to his ready room to prepare for

the meeting. They traverse a long hallway with doors
lining either side.

LOUIS
Well, it certainly took a long
time to get here.

PHILLY
It took ze same amount of time it
alvays takes, give or take a few
minutes.

Louis takes a tone of amusement.

LOUIS
No, I mean all of this-
Teutontology, the Fillet Show, all
of it. I heard you start principal
photography next week, by the by.
Congratulations!
"High Viscosity" 8.

PHILLY
Yes, vell...isn't it funny how
comedy writing takes all ze humor
out of you?

They approach a door with a placard which reads:

“Quasi-Fathers Only” and pause at it's threshold.

LOUIS
Well, I'll see you in...

Louis looks at his watch.

LOUIS (CONT.)
...about 10 minutes.

Philly reaches for the doorknob, stopping short. He

looks at Louis, wearing the slightest hint of a
knowing smile.

PHILLY
I'm doing ze Sermon of ze Alt.

Philly enters the room and closes the door behind him.
Louis lingers a moment, then departs.

INT – MEETING HALL – 10 MINUTES LATER

PHILLY Stands at a lectern before the stratified

fellows filling staggered, old church pews. In the
front, fifty fellows wear black robes. Behind them,
seventeen fellows in white robes watch the fifty in
front of them. Behind even those are four more fellows
whom, along with Philly, are wearing the robes of the
purple sage, watching both the white and the black
before them.

PHILLY
Tonight, ve assemble in ze name of
our Fuh-dher; ze trickster of self
conception, und ze hermaphrodite
of self deception. It is by its
own dumb imagination zat it came
to be, und by its own clever
stupidity zat it came to perceive.

He allows a moment of weight to drip from his words.

"High Viscosity" 9.

PHILLY
As it first perceived itself, it
split in tvaine; von to observe,
und von to be observed. Zen two
became three, und so forth. Und as
ve vere created in Zeir image, ve
carry zis same ability, for our
creation is a mere extension of ze
entire fractal regress of
infinity, und zat is vat it means
to exist.

The congregation pats their hands over their mouths

while howling as in the politically incorrect days of
yore, when the gesture still meant “Indians” to school
children.

PHILLY (CONT.)
Yes, mein Bru-Dahs! As above, so
below, for now is ze time, und
here is ze place, forever und
ever-

(“Nor-Cal” accent)

awwwwwww man! Quasi-Fathers, the

offerings, please?

The four purple robed fellows at the back walk the

length of the aisles, stopping at each to pass an
offering plate of massive joints. The seated fellows
pass the plate, each taking a joint and leaving a
fiver in place of it. Philly whips out a blimp of a
joint himself.

PHILLY (CONT.)
I believe you know vat to do now,
ladies und gentlemen.

They all light their joints and puff furiously for a

few seconds, followed by about thirty seconds more of
coughing. Catching their breath, they repeat the
process, as Philly returns to sermonizing, taking a
moment now and again to puff, himself.
"High Viscosity" 10.

PHILLY (CONT.)
Your exercise for zis Sermon is
simple. [Puff] Shortly, ve vill
pass around another plate. Ve do
not ask zat you donate at zis
time; [Puff Puff] zis is an act of
ze Temple. You vill take a single,
whole mushroom each from ze
offering plate [Puff] und chew it
thoroughly before svallowing.

The hall is filled with a cacophony of coughs,

accompanied momentarily by Philly.

PHILLY (CONT.)
Ven you begin to feel it- und you
vill feel it- you vill go in your
mind, as ve have practiced, down
your personal descending path.
[Puff] Do not stop until you meet
ze master who makes ze grass
green.[Puff] Quasi-Fathers, come
forth.

The four Quasi-Fathers from the back begin to

circulate, passing out mushrooms in the same manner as
they did the joints.

PHILLY (CONT.)
Und ven you do, you must kill ze
master und become ze master. [Puff
Puff] Ven zis is accomplished, you
vill have your Persona Alternum.
[Puff] Born anew, fresh und
virginal, but still ze same und
unchanged, yet [puff] somehow
[puff] different... [puff] und,
uh...[puff] vat vas I sayink? Oh
yes: you vill be both ze observer
und ze observed, as ve transverse
ze boundaries of opposites to
arrive at ze state of opposames.
[Puff] Zis is vere ze Great Verk
begins.

The congregation of fellows pat their mouths while

hooting, again- this time through a thicket of
cacophony.
"High Viscosity" 11.

INT – TEUTONTOLOGY BUILDING ANNEX – AFTER RITUAL

PHILLY, LOUIS, COLONAL ANGUS, FRANK LEE and PANDORA

CUBENZ are sitting about, socializing in the back
still wearing their purple robes.

PANDORA
This sure is a sweet scam to be
running.

Pandora- a saucy, short, Grecian gal- picks at a bowl

of trail mix.

PHILLY
You don't have to be so oblique
about it, Pandora. Ve are doing
more than “scamming” people. Und,
ve need money fund our effort,

Philly sticks one of his hands out, fingers spread.

PHILLY (CONT.)
UND, ve need people villing to go
out und do ze thinks ve need zem
to do.

He sticks his other hand out and slowly interlocks

them.

LOUIS
He's right.

Pandora glares at Louis.

PANDORA
Shut up, Lou.

LOUIS
Well, he is. It's a necessary
near-evil, not actually evil.

FRANK
So, do you really believe that one
can brainwash others, for the side
of Good? Assuming we can even say
for sure what the dimensions of
goodness are.

Frank- a tall, lanky Brit- giggles through the last

quarter of his words. Philly pulls out another joint
and lights it up.
"High Viscosity" 12.

PHILLY
Vy don't you ask ze Colonel? Mr.
Angus, vat do you sink about Good,
und ze alternative?

COLONEL
Well, I reckon Good as a generic
ethical concept is easy to grasp,
and fairly valid. Without
significant exposure to similar
behavior, for example, it's almost
universally accepted that 'killing
a newborn baby for pleasure' is
bad, while 'kicking a bully in the
teeth' is fucking awesome, and
damn good.

Colonel- a stocky, good ol' boy- hooks his arm,

imagining he's punching a foe. Colonel and Frank
continue their conversation, while Louis moves closer
to Philly.

LOUIS
You're smoking, again?

PHILLY
Don't be a sissy Spacek.

LOUIS
Don't go smoking our profits.

PHILLY
Ze only good prophet is a smoked
prophet. Ha- you see vat I did
zere? Zat's a homophone.

LOUIS
Yes, very clever.

PHILLY
Are you homophonophobic? You know-
afraid of vords zat sound like
other vords?
"High Viscosity" 13.

LOUIS
hardly. Now... we made 1335 after
all concessions tonight, minus
materials, minus meeting hall
expenses...netting, oh, about
1030. not bad. Not great. There
has to be something we can do to
get more of the black level
initiates to cough up for the
supplemental eighths.

Philly takes it all in as he tokes away, leisurely.

PANDORA
And you were saying something
about this not being a scam?

PHILLY
Zis is some good shit, vere's it
coming from?

LOUIS
It's from some co-op just outside
of Berkley. They're calling it
“Heavenly High”- bred by career-
path botanists at a research
facility called “Cloud Nein”. What
a bunch of weirdos.

PHILLY
Vell, zose weirdos sure know vat
ze fuck zey are doing.

INT – SVEN AND ARGO'S APARTMENT – 1992

PHILLY is 19, and clean shaved. He and ARGO are

watching TV in the living room. The show cuts to
commercial and Argo turns to Philly.

ARGO
Phillip, have you preformed your
Heart Chakra meditation today?

PHILLY
No. I don't sink I vant to.

SVEN enters the living room holding a bowl of snack

food. He takes his seat next to Argo's.

ARGO
Well, you should. It's good for
mind, body and soul.
"High Viscosity" 14.

SVEN
Oh, vat are you going on about
now, Argo? Zat silly New Age
blasphemy, again?

PHILLY
I'm going to go do zat, zen.

Philly, sensing the start of another argument,

absconds to his room. The conversation resumes once
Argo feels Philly is out of earshot.

ARGO
You know what our son is up
against. He needs all the
preparation he can get.

SVEN
Vat? You don't sink zat ze Von
True Got und his only begotten Son
are enough to prepare und teach
our only begotten son?

As the commercial wraps up on the TV screen, Argo

tries to wrap up his debate with Sven.

ARGO
All I’m going to say is that
Roman Catholicism isn’t a very
original story, Sven.

Sven huffs at the notion.

SVEN
Yes? Und vat vould you know about
originality? Or ze savior of
humanity, for that?

ARGO
I could ask the same of you, I
hope you realize. But the fact
remains: the story is older than
the Judeo-Christian belief system
itself.

Triumphant, Sven pulls out his strongest circular

argument.
"High Viscosity" 15.

SVEN
You say so, but who else vas born
of a virgin, on ze vinter
solstice? Who else had tvelve
disciples und valked around
preaching ze Kingdom of God?

Argo waits patiently for Sven to rest his argument.

SVEN (CONT)
...Who else died und vas
resurrected three days later? Hmmm?

ARGO
You really want me to answer that?

Sven nibbles on his party mix.

ARGO (CONT)
Okay...there’s Krishna, Buddha,
Mithra, Zoroaster, Horus, Rami,
Heracles...I could go on for a
while, it’s only a patterns that
occurs in every major mythology,
and many, many minor mythologies.

Sven half chokes, half spits out the party mix.

SVEN
Outrageous!

ARGO
Krishna is perhaps the most
intriguing, I think. He was born
of a virgin, on the solstice; had
12 disciples, one of them his
“Right Hand”; He walked around
preaching the kingdom of the
unified Godhead; he died and was
resurrected three...

Sven is fuming, but reservedly silent.

ARGO (CONT.)
Did you know that he was even
supposed to have raised a man that
was a week dead from the grave?
That man’s name was “El Asuras.”

Sven finally bursts.

"High Viscosity" 16.

SVEN
Stop! STOP IT! Zat’s NO vay to be
comparing ze Christ to ze unvashed
pseudo-messiahs!

ARGO
But it’s such a common story, we
may as well be talking about our
own son, Phillip, and THAT’S no
way for you to speak of our son!

Sven clinches his fists.

SVEN
LIES!

ARGO
You should just accept that the
past is a mystery, the future is
history, and the present is a
grift.

SVEN
AGHHHHH!

Sven lunges out of his recliner at Argo, tackling him

to the ground and begins ferociously making out with
him.

INT – SVEN AND ARGO'S BEDROOM - LATER

ARGO and SVEN share their equivalent of “pillow talk”

as they get dressed in the privacy of their room.

ARGO
I don’t mean to say that you’re
“wrong” love; just that what you
believe isn’t meant quite so
literally. That doesn’t alter the
validity of its principals, though.

SVEN
Does zat mean you’re going
to...ressurect for me?

INT – THE FILLET SHOW! SET – DECEMBER 21, 2012

PHILLY does stand-up magic before introducing a sketch.

"High Viscosity" 17.

PHILLY
Velcome back, my tender loins!
Tonight, I promise, is a special
night. For von, ze Mayan Calendar
ends tonight. More ominous zen
zat, zis show ends tonight, as
vell.

The audience groans their sympathies toward the stage.

PHILLY(CONT.)
Now, now; It's not ze end of ze
vorld. But soon, very soon, it
could be a very new vorld. As the
Christians vould say, zis is ze
time of Revelations, and tonight,
I vill reveal some of ze most
unnerving sings you have ever
heard.

Philly starts to pace back and forth.

PHILLY (CONT.)
Chances are: you’re going to let
someone else form your opinions
for you, so vy not let my opinion
be ze cause of your follies?

He approaches the audience, continuing:

PHILLY (CONT.)
Ze facts are clear: most of ze
people zat vant to form your
opinion care so much about you,
zey vill tear your very mustache
apart just to get a vord in
edgevise. In all honesty, I don’t
give a shit about you, so I have
no reason to lie to you.

Using sleight of hand, he produces a cigarette, and

produces an already lit match with great flair to
light the cigarette. After taking a puff, he removes a
coin from his left coat pocket and rolls it across the
knuckles of his left hand, keeping the lit cigarette
between his lips.
"High Viscosity" 18.

PHILLY (CONT.)
You’ll have someone to adore,
someone to respect. Hell, I’m a
pretty straight shooter: if I
don’t know, I’ll say “I don’t
know”; if I sink you’re ugly, I
von’t compliment your personality.
I don't even care if you sink vat
I have to say is bullshit.

He grabs the coin with his right hand, and takes the
cigarette in his now empty left hand. Blowing a smoke
ring, he reveals his closed hand is empty.

HECKLER
Bullshit!

Philly reveals that his other hand holds only the

cigarette. He turns to his right slightly and reaches
into his left coat pocket to pull out an Ace of
Diamonds and handles it with his left hand, displaying
the face of the card towards the audience.

PHILLY
Even better: my actual opinion of
sings is so loose and malleable...

He passes the card to his right hand, remaining

slightly turned to his right.

PHILLY (CONT.)
I’m able to accommodate, pretty
much, any deficiency you have in
your personality.

The card vanishes from his right hand and instantly

reappears in his left hand. He repeats this a few
times.

PHILLY (CONT.)
Don’t vorry, zat’s not an insult-
everyvone’s a bit fucked up. Und
zere is a matter of personal gain
for me, of course! Tomorrow, I get
to vake up knowing zat zere is von
less douche bag out zere zat moves
me to daydreams of apocalypse
unannounced: You.

The card vanishes in a sudden flash of fire.

"High Viscosity" 19.

AUDIENCE
(Variously)

Shit! What? OH SNAP! Et cetera!

PHILLY
It’s a Change we can Believe in!

The audience cheers and Philly takes a formal bow.

PHILLY (CONT.)
Zank you! Zank you so much! Up
next: Nothing is Next, it’s Alvays
Now!

INT – SVEN AND ARGO'S APARTMENT – MONTHS LATER

PHILLY is packing clothing into a duffel bag, the

edges of a mustache starting to grow on his upper lip.
SVEN and ARGO are standing at the doorway to his room,
looking in over him.

SVEN
Son, if you valk out zat door,
don't you ever sink of coming back.

Sven speaks in a shaky monotone. Philly continues

packing his bag.

ARGO
What Sven means to say...

Argo nudges Sven briskly in the bicep with his elbow.

ARGO (CONT.)
is that you don't have to leave.
We understand that you are a man
now, and you can feel like life is
pulling you in all these
directions, but we are your
parents, and we love you, and we
just don't want to see you making
any hasty decisions.

SVEN
You ungrateful little sheisse!

Argo nudges Sven a little harder. Philly zips his

duffel bag, jerking his arm the length of the teeth.
"High Viscosity" 20.

PHILLY
I know you don't vant me to, but I
have to go. Zank you for your
kindness and all the love you've
shown me, Argo.

Philly grabs his bag and walks to the door. Argo

embraces his son warmly, then steps aside. Philly
turns his head to look at Sven.

PHILLY
Sven, I hope you shit on yourself.

Philly walks passed them and out into the world. Argo
puts his hand on Sven's shoulder.

ARGO
It's not the end of the world. Did
you think he would never grow up?

Sven storms out of the room. Argo lingers in his

sentiment for a moment.

INT – SVEN AND ARGO'S LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS

SVEN is sitting in his recliner watching the Tube when

ARGO enters and takes his adjacent recliner.

ARGO
What is this?

SVEN
Vat?

Argo gestures at the Television set.

ARGO
This; what are you watching?

Strange sounds of grinding gears and splashing water

issue from the Television.

SVEN
Oh, zis is a post-modern
adaptation of a Shakespearean
play, entitled: “Ze Best Laid
Plans of Robots und Octopodes”.

His words turn to ice mere moments after they part his
lips.
"High Viscosity" 21.

ARGO
You gobble that drivel, don’t you?

SVEN
Vat?

Sven is only slightly distracted from the program.

ARGO
You prefer to consume poor remakes
of good things that attempt to
mask a lack of creativity with the
notoriety of their original.

SVEN
Yes, I do. I mean, vat? No! No, I
do not. Zis happens to be quite
good.

Sven reasserts his intent of watching the show.

ARGO
I’m guessing there’s a robotics or
machining company backing the
production?

SVEN
Just Semantic Mechanics, LTD, but
PETA is involved, too. And
besides, I don’t “gobble” anything.

Argo spreads a devilish half grin across his lips.

ARGO
What about Dan Brown?

Sven tries to pay attention to the T.V., responding in

an overly formal tone.

SVEN
I do not know to vat you are
referring.

ARGO
You know, that collection of Dan
Brown books you keep in the study,
buried under rags so I won’t see
them?

Sven begins to lose his composition and concentration.

SVEN
Uh...but...but, but I...
"High Viscosity" 22.

ARGO
You know, the same you steal away
with for hours at a time into the
water closet? I know what you’re
doing in there.

Sven balls his fists and tries to conceal his anger.

SVEN
Are you implying zat... zat I have
homosexual fantasies while reading
“The Da Vinci Code”? I don’t! Und
even if I did, I’d be in zere
jerking it for Jesus!

Argo allows a moment of silence to pass before

speaking.

ARGO
Dan Brown isn’t clever, you know.
He’s just the sort of poor remake
that you seem to like.

SVEN
(Indignantly)

If I like poor remakes of sings so

much, zen vy do I sink so low of
Phillip?

ARGO
Because you’re a prat.

SVEN
A vat!?

ARGO
A prat. A plebe. A pinky. A prole.

SVEN
Now you listen...!

ARGO
It’s just a cheap grab, all of it:
Dan Brown, Cold Play, “Best Laid
Plans of Robots and Octopodes”...
They’re only purpose is to cajole
you into buying false realities
and useless products you don’t
need, and it’s everywhere,
everynow.

The program on the T.V. announces the commercial break.

"High Viscosity" 23.

SVEN
I sink you’re being a bit harsh...

ARGO
Am I now? What’s this commercial
all about then?

Two twenty-something women are sitting down for

coffee. The FIRST GIRL dabs a napkin at her tears
while the SECOND GIRL listens attentively.

FIRST GIRL
I’m late...again. I know, I just
know bobby is going to leave me if
he finds out.

SECOND GIRL
Don’t you have any options?

FIRST GIRL
I have a card from Planned
Parenthood that says “your fourth
abortion is free,” but I can’t
even afford my third.

SECOND GIRL
Here, try this.

The Second Girl places a box of Tampoon!™ brand birth

control on the table.

SECOND GIRL (CONT.)

This is my secret weapon. You see,
I’m allergic to the pill, and my
husband and I don't like condoms.
And really, who uses a diaphragm
anymore?

The First Girl stops sobbing quite so hard.

FIRST GIRL
Does it really work?

SECOND GIRL
Can you tell that I just had my
ninth home abortion last month?

A Tampoon is illustrated, resembling a tampon with a

six-inch, barbed needle protruding out of the tip.
"High Viscosity" 24.

VOICE OVER
Tampoon’s patented Intrauterine
Harpoon technology allows you to
abort your unwanted fetus cheaply
in the comfort and privacy of your
own home. Daddy will never know he
was one.

PIRATE V.O.
Tampoon! Here thar be fetus!

ARGO
How can that be any substitute for
a safe medical abortion?

Sven sounds his battle cry and charges at Argo,

tackling him and shoving his tongue into Argo’s mouth.

INT – SVEN AND ARGO’S BEDROOM - LATER

SVEN and ARGO make witty pillow talk after violent

sex.
SVEN
But vy San Francisco? It's so...
loud zere. Vy can't he pursue his
dreams here New York? It's just as
much in line vith vat he vants to
do vith his life!

ARGO
Because San Francisco is something
new for him. You've got to let him
spread his wings, Sven.

SVEN
I'm still mad at you for making
fun of Dan Brown.

ARGO
It’s okay to like something that’s
utterly bad. I, for one,
absolutely love Pee Wee Herman.

SVEN
So I’m not the only thing you
gobble up, then?

Sven tickles Argo and launches into round two.

"High Viscosity" 25.

INT – A KID'S THEMED RESTAURANT – 1998

Philly is making ends meet in the heart of San

Francisco. A child's birthday party is in full swing.
TIMMY is gleefully shredding through occasional gift
wrap while the other kids watch in envy. Philly is
chatting up PANDORA.

PHILLY
No, I can't really say I have;
contortion isn't really somezing
vith vich I vork. I perform
mentalism and manipulations.

He touches Pandora's left arm with his right hand.

PHILLY (CONT.)
Like, card tricks, und mind
reading, general defying of
reality.

Using his touch as misdirection and his words as

subterfuge, surreptitiously slips a card palmed in his
left hand into her right coat pocket.

PANDORA
Come on, show me then.

PHILLY
Okay.

He removes a pack of cards from his breast pocket and

gives them a quick mix.

PHILLY (CONT.)
I'll do ze sing, und you tell me
ven to stop.

He thumb-riffles the deck in his left hand.

PANDORA
Stop.

Philly takes the top half of the deck in his right

hand and holds out the bottom half to Pandora.

PHILLY
Zat is your card, please take it.

She clasps the card between her hands as Philly puts

the rest of the deck away. He gestures for her to give
him the card and she does.
"High Viscosity" 26.

PHILLY (CONT.)
Ze basic stuff..

He holds the queen of spades in his right hand, face

out and grabs it with his left hand, putting it in his
pocket.

PHILLY (CONT.)
...is just dirty tricks.

He removes his hand, obviously empty, and immediately

the card pops into his right hand. He repeats this
twice, stopping with the card in his right hand.

PHILLY (CONT.)
But ze good stuff...

Philly flicks the card with his left hand and it

dissolves into confetti which falls to the floor.

PHILLY (CONT.)
Ze good stuff is in your coat
pocket.

Pandora reaches into her pockets and pulls the queen

of spades from her right coat pocket. She drops the
card as though something were crawling on it.
Startled, she bends down to pick it up just as Timmy
is unwrapping his last gift. She looks the card over
squeaks with a sense of slight unease.

TIMMY
I WANTED “DOLL OF COOTIES:
LOLLCAUST” TO PLAY ONE MY CUBOX
GAMING SYSTEM! THIS GAME SUCKS!

Poor Timmy throws his copy of “SMALL big World” on the

ground.

PHILLY
Vell, I've got to go set up for ze
performance. It's right after
presents. I hope to see you zere.

Philly saunters off and ducks behind his impromptu

backdrop to prepare. Pandora turns the card over to
find Philly's phone number written on the back. She
lets slip a stifled, bemused giggle. Philly re-emerges
from behind his curtain pushing a black cart in front
of him. The gifts are all unwrapped and the children,
especially Timmy, are growing restless.
"High Viscosity" 27.

TIMMY
Mommy! ...MOMMY! I don't want a
crappy magician! Why couldn't you
get a Ninja? Or some pirates?

Philly sets two fire engine red balls on the table,

then faces the children from behind his cart.

PHILLY
Vell, Timmy, it's a good sing zat
I'm not a magician. You see, I
don't do ze impossible, just ze
unexpected.

Philly ironically removes a single silver cup from

beneath the cart, placing it on the table. The kids
stare blankly at Philly.

PHILLY (CONT.)
A magician vould show you ze old
Cup-Und-Balls routine, vich I am
going to do. BUT- a magician vould
tell you zat it is Magic, vich I
vill not do. It's all just tricks
und games. I can't do anysing
veird, like change you into a
frog. But sometimes, I do sings
even a magician can't do. For von,
I start ze Cup-Und-Balls trick
vith only von cup. I call zis
trick, “Two Balls, Von Cup”.

EXT – RESTAURANT PARKING LOT – AFTER TIMMY'S PARTY

PHILLY is loading his equipment into the back of his

station wagon. His tie is undone and a lit cigarette
hangs from the corner of his mouth. He loads the last
bit of it and closes the tailgate. PPANDORA exits the
restaurant and begins walking towards him. He takes a
final drag from his cigarette and flicks it across the
parking lot, almost hitting Pandora with it.

PHILLY
Oh, hey. Sorry about zat, I
thought I vas alone.

PANDORA
Yeah, you may be sooner than you
think.

Pandora giggles. Philly nervously follows suit.

"High Viscosity" 28.

PHILLY
So, uh...vat's up, cutie? Pandora,
vas it?

PANDORA
Wow and I thought that the phone
number on the playing card was
cheesy. I'm gunna be constipated
for, like, a week now.

PHILLY
I'm high in fiber, too. Just eat
some of me and you'll balance it
out.

Pandora's lips take the sultry curve of a harlequin's

smirk.

PANDORA
I think I'll stick with bran
muffins. Hey...you get high?

Pandora pulls out a joint and raises an eyebrow.

Philly raises an eyebrow back.

PHILLY
Sure, vy not?

INT – SVEN AND ARGO'S APARTMENT – MEANWHILE

SVEN and ARGO are sitting in their recliners watching

TV. Argo makes idle attempts at distracting Sven.

ARGO
You know, I spoke with Phillip
yesterday. You were out shopping,
and you came back with that
story...I had forgotten until just
now.

SVEN
Hm? Oh yes, Phillip. How is he?

ARGO
He's been performing magic at
parties, for hire. Pretty original
stuff, too. The suburbs of San
Francisco can't get enough of him,
it seems.

SVEN
Oh, really? Zat's nice.
"High Viscosity" 29.

Sven changes the channel, looking for something a

little more interesting.

ARGO
Do you recall when Phillip was
just a little squat? I would spend
hours working out bizarre methods
of giving him his allowance.

SVEN
Blessed virgin, he's talking about
magic still.

Sven flicks through the channels vigorously.

ARGO
I regurgitated it for him, once.
There was another time that I
sneezed it into his hand.

SVEN
Aren't zose ze same trick?

ARGO
Pulled it out of my eye; out of my
ear; his ear; my nose; his nose...

Sven's face begins to sour.

SVEN
Do you have any idea vere money
has been? Vat am I saying? Of
course you do; you put it zere.

ARGO
I've made it appear in my hand; in
his hand; in his pocket; in his
wallet; in his poop...

SVEN
Vat? How... Ze heil...did you...
did you do zat?

Sven turns to face Argo for the first time in,

probably, hours.
"High Viscosity" 30.

ARGO
That one was pretty clever,
actually. I thought of a way to
wake someone sleeping directly
into a hypnotic state. Then, I
just had him swallow a few
capsules with his allowance in
them. The capsules dissolve, the
money doesn't. The next day, I
slipped some laxatives into his
orange juice; viola!: the “Money-
In-Poop” trick.

Sven returns to his fully up-right, seated position.

SVEN
Talk about flushing money down ze
toilet!

Argo chuckles.

SVEN (CONT.)
Vait a minute. All zose times I
vould vake up und mein tushie vas
all sore...no! You vouldn't!

Argo stops chuckling and braces himself, fixed as the

quasi-literal deer in the fully-proverbial headlights.

SVEN (CONT.)
YOU GET OVER HERE, SEIGFRIED!

Sven lunges at Argo from his recliner, toppling the

lamp table between them, and wrestles him to the
floor. With his shoulders to the ground, Argo's face
begins to twitch with reflexive anticipation. Sven
leans his face closer to Argo's ear and whispers.

SVEN (CONT.)
You don't have to hypnotize me
into being your Roy. MY TURN TO BE
ON TOP!

Sven strip searches Argo's mouth with his tongue.

INT – A VICTORIAN HOUSE SOMEWHERE IN SF

COLONEL ANGUS- a southern gentleman- and FRANK LEE- a

snarky Englishman- are sitting around a coffee table
in the den, smoking a hookah.
"High Viscosity" 31.

FRANK
Allegedly, the man who sold
this fine smoke stuff to me
was a practicing shaman
from Brazil.

He takes a lazy puff, and blows a smoke ring.

COLONEL
Buyer beware: this item may
shrink your head with a
voodoo curse!

FRANK
Colonel, honestly, why
would you make such ghastly
and stereotypical remarks?

Colonel tears the hookah arm from Frank’s clutch.

COLONEL
Did I? Do you recall the
last time I shared with you
my caveat? Ahem...four.

FRANK
Err...well, that was a
different case altogether,
ol’ boy. We shan’t be
dredging it up again, shall
we?

COLONEL
Fer all I know, you’re
bound to make exactly the
same type of choices, so
yes; we shall.

FRANK
Good God, you’re a twit.

Colonel takes a draw from the hookah and ponders.

"High Viscosity" 32.

COLONEL
How did you come to meet
this man? Must’ve been
eight.

Frank cocks his head and joins the pondering.

FRANK
If I recall correctly, we
met at the shindig put on
by that rather squirrelly
chap wot said he was from
Vancouver. Wots his fellow?

Colonel squints for a moment.

COLONEL
...John?

FRANK
Kudos, Colonel! It’s
astounding that you could
remember the name of such a
monumental bore!

COLONEL
Libations were consumed, I
assume...twelve, by the by.

Frank shies sheepishly away.

FRANK
Moderately; I wouldn’t be
had at some boorish party
without a little fine
tuning!

COLONEL
Never the less, alcohol
parted your lips.

FRANK
Oh, dear me- you’re right!

Colonel continues puffing, now vigorously, at the pipe.

"High Viscosity" 33.

COLONEL
Perhaps I warned you about
this at the party before
last. Perhaps it still
applies. Perhaps this is
our sixteenth exchange in a
row to start with a
successive letter of our
Roman alphabet.

FRANK
Queerer and queerer, my
friend.

Frank slowly reaches for the hookah arm.

COLONEL
Right! So what have we
learned?

FRANK
Stop, stop, stop! We’ve
just kept going! “P-Q-
R”...and ye gods, I began
with “s”!

COLONEL
That’s terrific.

Frank glares at Colonel through the hazy smoke.

FRANK
Ultimately, this exercise
only proves your hatred of
me.

COLONEL
“Validation, being what you
seek, is what you get.”
Nietzsche, “Thus Spake
Zarathustra”.

FRANK
What the bleeding hell are
you on about?
"High Viscosity" 34.

COLONEL
Xenophobia and yourself- of
course, in your case, it
may well be justified not
to trust anyone, being so
gullible and wot.

FRANK
You see here, now, ol’ boy:
I’ll not be taken for one
of your rides!

Colonel moves a speck of lint from his lapel.

COLONEL
Zippletits! You already
have!

Infuriated, Frank balls his fists.

FRANK
How do you do it? I must
know! There must be a
method, you corn-fed
jackanapes, and I will find
it out, I will!

PHILLY and PANDORA walk in the front door, and the

mood of the room suddenly shifts.