Module 1:

Crucial conversations are ones that many of us either have had in the past or need to have
currently or in the near future. Thinking back, there have been many crucial conversations that I
have had whether it being with close friends or family members. In my opinion, I don’t think that
I handled many of the conversations well as many of these conversations led to aggressive
outbursts, increased conflict, and lack of resolution. As these topics and situations were difficult
to bring up, this resulted in dialogue not being presented in a very effective or efficient manner.
With my new knowledge of the crucial conversations content, I believe that there were things
that could have been done differently in order to make the dialogue more effective. The steps to
having a crucial conversation, in order, are Start with Heart, Learn to Look, Make it Safe, Master
my Stories, STATE My Path, Explore Others’ Paths, and Move to Action (Patterson ​et al.​ pg.
214).
One specific crucial conversation that I have had in the past was with one of my closest
friends where our friendship almost ended because of the fact that we were avoiding each other
and expressing our issues with outside parties rather than to one another. At some point we both
realized that we were at the point where we needed to confront each other about the issues that
we were having as nothing was resolved from ignoring each other. Emotions were very high
once the conversation began. We both entered the conversation very aggressively and became
more and more defensive as the conversation continued as it seemed as though we were more so
attacking each other rather than trying to reach the route of the problem and finding a solution. It
was clear that this conversation wasn’t going anywhere, so we just took a step back and revisited
it when we collected our thoughts and calmed down. When we revisited the conversation, we
focused more on just getting over the issues and forgiving each other rather than actually saying
what ws on our mind. This dialogue and approach to the conversation wasn’t effective as these
issues still pop up here and there making us annoyed with each other at times. It’s even more
consistent because of the fact that we now live with each other along with some of our closest
friends.
Reflecting on the information and lessons learned from the crucial conversations content,
changes could have and should have been made to lead the conversation in a more successful
direction as well as reach successful dialogue. Let’s start with start with heart. This specific step
could have been reached by first initially figuring out what I generally wanted from this
conversation, what I want my friend to get from this conversation, and what I wanted for the
relationship. I wanted to be able to express my issues in a way that she understood, and wanted
to create an environment for her to also be comfortable with expressing her issues. For the
relationship, I wanted for us to share how we’ve been feeling, find a solution and recognize the
issues at hand, then go back to how we used to be. By focusing on these main points, it would’ve
allowed me to approach the conversation in a more calm manner in order to ensure that these
were met. Next, there’s learn to look. It was clear that our environment of the conversation
wasn’t safe as voices were getting loud, we were being aggressive towards each other, and there
was a high level of hostility. Once we reached that point, we should have taken a step back, took
a breath, realized what was going on that was preventing the conversation from flowing, and
revisited it with a more open minded and understanding attitude. Being aware of how I’m going
into the situation and conversation as well because it will allow me to be more cautious of how
I’m coming off asthe conversation progressed. After, there’s make it safe. Even at the start of the
conversation there was a lack of respect and lack of understanding as we were constantly
disregarding and dismissing each other’s feelings. We should have worked towards meeting in
the middle, and recognizing what both our purposes were to gain a better understanding of where
the other person was coming from. Rather than being so defensive, we should have taken their
feelings into account and reflect on it as each of our emotions are valid. Master my stories is up
next. This is the step where rather than trying to come at my friend for the things that have been
bothering me, I should focus more on telling her how what she’s doing makes me feel and why it
makes me feel the way it does. This relates to the concept of sharing my feelings rather than
trying to attack her character which again works to prevent that defensive and aggressive
demeanor (Patterson ​et al​. pg. 214).
Following all these steps is STATE my path. STATE my path, in my opinion, is one of
the most crucial out of all the steps as it tackles so many different areas that help to guide the
conversation in the right direction, ensure that the effective dialogue is being used, and make
sure that the overall purpose is being met successfully. It allows individuals to express their
thoughts and opinions as well as encourage the other parties to also express their thoughts and
opinions in an encouraging and empathetic manner. This step would be crucial in my
conversation with my friend as it will allow us to both discuss what our issues are with each
other along with how it makes us feel while being sure to present these points in a way that
doesn’t halt the conversation or upset one another in any way. Explore others’ paths is the step
that follows and that step serves as a focus on the other parties’ story and points. This specific
step focuses on the act of being aware of the thoughts that the other person is expressing and
placing attention on them. In a way it’s the idea of active listening to be more aware of where the
other person is coming from. This is definitely another area I lacked during my crucial
conversation with my friend as I was constantly disregarding her feelings and paid more
attention to getting my points across. By recognizing her story it will allow me to see her
perspective and gain a better understanding of it to move towards a solution that benefits both
sides. It will allow us to find ways to prevent the issues that we are both feeling from happening
again constantly and allow us to move towards rebuilding our friendship. Lastly, there’s move to
action. This is the point where decisions are made regarding the issue or situation that is being
presented. As a potential solution is being reached, we need to be sure to remain in that state
where mutual understanding and respect are still present. Going through and targeting all the
points in these past steps will also for the most beneficial decisions to be made. With that, going
through these steps with my friend regarding our situation will allow for us to both create a space
where our dialogue and communication is approached in the most effective way to discuss our
issues, gaining that understanding and perspective, which will allow us to reach a decision that
will be best for our friendship (Patterson ​et al​. pg. 214).
In regards to this situation, I took the approach of talking about what I would have done
differently with my new knowledge of these crucial conversation steps because of the fact that
this may be a potential conversation that needs to be revisited as the conversation didn’t go as
well as it should have the first time. These issues are still present here and there. Being able to
practice and master these skills to reach successful dialogue in crucial conversations is beneficial
in a variety of ways as it allows and promises better communication which can lead to personal
and relationship growth.

Patterson, K., Grenny, J., McMillian, R. and Switzler, A. (2012). ​Crucial conversations: Tools
for talking when stakes are high​ (2nd ed.).McGraw-Hill: New York.